Not a Fairytale
by Harmonic Friction
Summary: Dark, lengthy romance about Lily and Sev, age 9 til death. Lucius pops the question. Severus feels uneasy about developments. Lily and Petunia bond.
1. The Fear in the Boy, The Fire in the Man

**Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns most of the characters mentioned, and I'm only doing this for fun. Characters I have created include Hagawthe Malfoy, Abbigale Snape, Muruvi Paradigm, Diana Malfoy, Yuko Kimura, Xing Chang, and various others. These characters are only used in my fanfictions, and should be used with my permission. The way I write certain stock characters (such as Mulciber, Rosier, Mary MacDonald and Avery) is based on little canon evidence and from my own imagination. I use lyrics of songs that remind me of what's happening in the plot throughout the story to begin each chapter. I credit the artists underneath the quote. Each chapter title is based off or directly taken from a Tori Amos song. Tori Amos reminds me both of Lily and of Snape. She writes lyrics that explore women, specifically the mother/whore figure, and she's a lovely redhead (1990s era Tori is how I imagine Lily). Tori's "song men" remind me of Snape-she has a knack for exploring bitterness, wounds, cycles of family abuse and a mistrust of women. That is why I have used Tori Amos' lyrics a lot throughout this fanfiction.  
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**A/N: **I am writing this story to fill in the gaps in Lily Evans and Severus Snape's friendship during their school days. I do not think Snape's memories that Harry viewed in DH were complete—I believe them to be edited greatly. We only saw Snape and Lily's meeting, and then their breaking point. What I hope to do here is create a viable story that meshes decently with canon. That being said, it _is _Severus/Lily, but because it begins when they are age 9 and ends with their deaths, it's not specifically a romance. Actually, it will be more of a tragic love story than a romance, in general. There will be other pairings going on. Obviously, James/Lily is going to happen for a bit. The rest are sort of surprises, but James/Lily and Snape/Lily are the main ships. Also, I have gone to great lengths to try and make Severus himself extremely canon-compliant. He is abused, bitter, and cruel. Lily struck me as too-perfect and barely defined in canon- I will be trying to expand her character greatly. Severus/Lily reminds me very much of _Wuthering Heights, _and there will be certain parallels. Various details will be changed along the way, and I don't really need a reminder that I'm going A/U when this happens (however, sometimes I just go off head canon and make strange mistakes- it's always helpful to get kind reminders). For example, certain characters like Evan Rosier have changed gender. I think there are far too many stock male characters, and because Rosier has no background in canon whatsoever, I am playing with how "she" is supposed to be. I appreciate feedback and constructive criticism. I'm re-writing this note after writing chapter sixteen, and I'd like to say I will be editing the entire story starting today. Thanks to all who have reviewed so far.

**Warning:** Rated M. Trigger warning. Contains foul language, suggestive themes, child abuse, non-graphic mentions of rape and child molestation, severe bullying, lemon-grade sex scenes in later chapters, sexual harassment, graphic blood & gore, and general mischief.

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><p>"<em>And I'm so sad, like a good book, I can't put this day back. It's a (sorta) fairytale with you."<em>

_-_Tori Amos, "A Sorta Fairytale", Scarlet's Walk

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><p><strong>Not a Fairytale<strong>

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><p>Chapter One: The Fear in the Boy, The Fire in the Man<p>

_Age nine until beginning of First Year at Hogwarts_

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><p>"Wish me luck, Severus," Lily Evans whispered into Severus Snape's ear as the Sorting Hat finished up its song.<p>

"You won't need it," he said back. But his insides were twisted with nervousness as well, which Lily did not need to know. She'd been worried again on the train ride that perhaps her Hogwarts letter had been a mistake, until Severus plainly told her to shut up, and that Muggles couldn't do any of the magical spells she was capable of. This made Lily laugh, which was one of the reasons he liked her—most people got horribly offended when he snapped at them. But Lily mostly found his way of talking amusing.

He wondered if his mum would even care if he didn't make Slytherin. His mother's side of the family had mostly been sorted there, save for a few Ravenclaws. Severus had spent the past year reading up on all of the houses, and scouring his mother's old yearbooks that she'd hidden in his parents' closet. The houses all had merit, he supposed, desperate for a world beyond Spinner's End where he'd been living for his eleven years. He had the house traits memorized, and he even had asked Mum repeatedly to rate his personality based on them—she'd told him he was driving her loony so he'd begun just worrying about it internally.

Many Hufflepuffs went on to work with other wizards as hard-working helpers, brilliant at communication and making peace. Ravenclaws were highly curious, smart, and sensible. Many invented spells, created elixirs, and wrote books. Gryffindors were adventure-chasing, and not as concerned with learning as they were with bold acts of solidarity. Many were later aurors or worked for the Ministry. Mum had told him about Slytherin and Gryffindor rivalry—Gryffindors were so pleased with themselves that they'd show off courageously for just about every reason possible. Severus had little respect for that kind of empty-headed hero work, and hoped he would not end up there (though there was hardly a question—he did not consider himself to be very good at standing up for things). As history had it, Slytherin was where you went to achieve academically while forging deep and long-lasting friendships with people. Slytherins came up with new ideas, specialized in knowing about the dark arts and how to counter curses, and many became driven leaders, concerned with making a name for themselves.

_"In astute Slytherin you will fit in if you keep your eye upon the prize," _the hat had said, _"no goal or dream will look to you to be too great in size!" _Ravenclaw wouldn't be bad, but his mum explained it as though they were all know-it-alls who tended toward book smarts without much ambition. Severus definitely hungered for ambition, for power. After all, he'd had very little. He'd been particularly obsessed with changing his self-image, which he felt was too openly loser-like. He had little pride in his family, his looks, and his social status, but he knew that with a few little tweaks, he could make some definite changes. Perhaps in Slytherin, he'd be seen for his intellect, which he felt was superior to most other children, who he saw playing stupid games or screaming at their parents for sweets at the market. He knew better than to do either of those things. He had daydreams about how well he'd fit into the wizarding world, where he'd be far from his father's abuse and his mother's tepid way of existing. In Slytherin, he'd meet loads of people who accepted him for his good aspects and who overlooked the bad. At least, that was the plan.

Yes, Slytherin was the most suitable house for Severus and he had daft fantasies that Lily would be sorted there, too. She was a Mudblood, but she was talented and dedicated. Salazar Slytherin founded the Slytherin House based on the fact that Mudbloods would not be accepted but—Lily was _different_.

Then again, Severus hadn't really socialized with many other children besides Lily and her obnoxious older sister Petunia. He had dropped out of Muggle school almost instantly as a small boy of five, after mistakenly blowing up a desk. Mum had to come to the school and obliviate several people after little Severus was suspected of pocketing explosives. The way he'd learned he was a wizard was from one of his father's angry lectures (Dad didn't want him to be a wizard and took it personally). After Dad had passed out drunk, Mum filled him in on what it actually meant to be a wizard. She explained she was a witch from a Pureblood family. She'd never explained why they had no relatives but now she hinted that she'd been cast out at a young age. Magic was their bond, their shared trait. She told him outright he was an outcast and that many would never accept him, just as she'd spent half her life trying to prove herself. Furthermore, his father was a Muggle, which she explained briefly. It was evident that this embarrassed her and she did not want to say much. She went on to tell him about Hogwarts, which was the best news he'd ever had in his life. Until then, she said, she'd have to teach him how to read, write, and practice maths at home. She lowered her voice to a whisper and said that when she could, she'd also try to help him expand his familiarity with magic. Things changed for a while. Life became exciting.

Mum let him tag along on trips to Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley, while his father was at work or away. These little trips were the closest he and his mother had ever gotten and Severus came to savor them. She put on black robes and wore her black hair back, her slight form looking mightier than it ever had. Mum was quiet and morose as usual but actually fitting in somewhere for once, pouring over copies of _The Pureblood Periodical_, dryly encouraging Severus to pet the owls at Eyelops ("Go on—if she bites it won't hurt _too_ much"), and occasionally splurging on small bags of sweeties that they made sure to eat before returning home. He'd never seen her smile much in all his life, but in the wizarding world, she did. She even carried herself differently. When an aging witch greeted his mother, asking what she'd been up to since her studies at Hogwarts, she'd introduced him with a small smile (_"My son, Severus— Severus, Professor- er, I mean, Magnolia Snapjacket. She was my Runes professor at Hogwarts. Severus just showed his first signs of magic last month, strong magic!"). _He'd never been spoken about with such pride by either of his parents. Finding out he was a wizard was what was missing—it was the thing that made him special.

Going home was when the fun ended. If Father was there, she'd make excuses for their absence and have to deal with his screaming. If Father wasn't there, Mum was a nervous wreck thinking he'd show up any minute, or not show up at all. Severus crossed his fingers for the latter but Tobias Snape always seemed to show up, however late, reeking of the pub and looking mean. He was tall, with slick black hair and a large crooked nose he'd apparently damaged in a fight as a youth, one of the only stories he ever told Severus that didn't have an obvious moral. _"He wasn't always like this," _Mum would say defensively, as if Severus were an adult, a friend she was confiding in. He'd sit in the corner of the den, which doubled as his bedroom, pretending to read. He'd check the windows, knowing the old Buick would clatter home eventually. He made the photographs on the walls switch slowly from side to side.

Magic was like a language he wasn't supposed to speak in front of his father, but one that he heavily indulged in otherwise, reading books and practicing small charms by himself in the nearby woods. Mum had soon forgotten her pride in his magical ability and the visits to Knockturn Alley and Diagon Alley grew less and less frequent. The fights between Mum and Dad happened more and more though, an unfortunate trade. Dad screamed about lots of things—money, the state of the house, Mum's worthless background, Mum's looks, and _"all this rubbish you forgot to tell me before you got yourself knocked up with that runt"_. Severus wasn't certain what a lot of the subject matter really meant but it scared him. He wished Dad would get stuck somewhere, be too drunk to ever find his way home…

For a while, Severus got his wish. For reasons unbeknownst to him, his father didn't come home for nearly two years. Severus was seven at the time he left and although Mum was a wreck for half of it she seemed calmed by the silence of the house. Together, they ate beans on toast and she taught him how to play Exploding Snap and Gobstones, actually laughing while doing so. They perused an old used bookstore in Knockturn Alley, and she let Severus pick a book out to buy. He chose a battered book on curses and countercurses. She showed off her wand for the first time since introducing him to magic, and this time, she showed him actual jinxes. He practiced by memorizing spells and taking heavy notes for himself. He began making objects move. Pictures on the walls swung harder from side to side, rocks shot up in the air and flowers sucked themselves back in the ground. He experimented with insects, pulling the legs off of spiders and then willing them back on. Out of boredom he willed sticks and pebbles to fall over the heads of children on the playground while he hid in bushes, watching them. He skipped stones on the dirty river that bounced and spun in circles. _"Severus, watch this!" _Mum would say, and he'd laugh delightedly as she made all their laundry whir around them.

Mum was the quiet and stern sort. Mostly she quietly encouraged him, nodding when he got something right and looking down when he didn't. She told him stories about Hogwarts that made him yearn so hard to be eleven that he spent many nights tossing and turning in excitement. She told him about the best wizard families, the professors, the subjects he'd learn (_"I was brilliant in Divinations, I read everyone's futures. It was the one thing I was popular for, all the girls in my dorm would ask me to predict who they'd marry. Right pack of babbling idiots. If I didn't like them, I'd predict they'd go off with a mountain troll…")_. She spoke to him at length about Muggles and Muggle-borns, advising him that he was luckily a Halfblood. Muggles would never quite understand magic, like his father, and Muggle-borns were fortunate to even be allowed at Hogwarts. _"Some of them are brilliant at magic, but it is not the same. It's not the way that it used to be. There used to be more of a respect for the old wizarding families, like ours," _she said, almost smugly, although Severus had never met their relatives and had a feeling he never would. This made so much sense to Severus—his father was a Muggle, an idiot Muggle who would never understand the world of magic. He'd been hoping to be somehow different from his father; after all, he used to pretend to be adopted. _"How did you and Dad meet?" _Severus asked, at once craving more of his history, needing to know how his mother had met this _Muggle. _His mother's black eyes flickered and her cheeks flushed. _"I thought he was someone else," _she said, and that was all she was willing to discuss.

Severus hung upside down from the monkey bars on the local playground, letting go sometimes and then trying to stop himself from hitting the ground. Once, it worked. But mostly he just got dirty.

And as soon as things were feeling good, Dad was back. The magic went away, but not quickly enough and not completely. _"What bullshit have you been teaching that boy?"_ grunted Dad, kicking a pile of library books on hexes and elixirs down the floor. _"I told you if we were going to make this work, none of that blasted paranormal shit could go on anymore!"_ Mum shrugged helplessly, _"You went away—I wanted him to know-" _Without thinking, Severus willed the books back and off they went, zooming right back to where Dad had kicked them from, neatly piling up as though nothing had happened. _"Severus!"_ shouted Mum, _"Don't!"_ Dad rounded on him, clearly not amused. He grabbed Severus by the shirt collar and lifted him in the air, shaking him. _"STOP THAT!"_ he screamed. Severus was afraid to think; he was afraid to breathe. Mum watched from the doorway, wringing her hands. Dad suddenly dropped him to the ground, and screamed at Mum: _"How dare you get in my head like that!" _Mum stared hard, and replied, _"You were going to hurt him!" _Severus looked between them, not understanding, and shrunk into the background, tears running down his face.

That year, it was arguing and more arguing. His mum would be talking and Dad would cut her off, call her names, call Severus things he did not understand _("that bastard boy!")._ Once or twice Severus saw him strike Mum. Severus would watch from the corner until he felt completely beside himself with uselessness and he would cry with his face covered, hating his tears. This only encouraged Dad to mock him (_"What, you're a nancy boy now, too?")_, so Severus spent most of his time outside, practicing his magical powers and playing by himself. When he played with the Muggle kids in the neighborhood, he had little tolerance for imaginative games and tended to like making up harsh rules for their play. The children began to think he was odd. Some of them wore tatty clothes, but they still poked fun at him for the same reason. Severus did not follow in his father's footsteps as a brawler, so he relied on insults, and when those did not work, he'd slip away. It wasn't worth his time to try and impress people he didn't care for. But then a new family moved into the nice neighborhood across the river and beyond the old mill—The Evans family. They had two little girls who looked about Severus' age, and he watched them with negligent interest as he did with the rest of the neighborhood characters until he began to notice that the redhead one was special.

The first time he noticed, she and her sister were playing by the dirty river down the road from his home, the one that divided Spinner's End from the more suburban homes. He was reading a book on the history of Slytherin house, hidden behind an oak tree. He only looked when one of the girls, the blond, shrieked. _"Lily!" _she screamed, _"How are you doing that?" _Severus peered around the tree in time to catch the redhead girl floating across the river, and then falling down on the other side, his side, only meters away from his tree. Severus hid back behind the tree, but his heart was beating terribly hard. Had he really just seen that? Was this girl like him? _"Lily, get back here! Lily! How did you—Lily! GET BACK—WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO TO SPINNER'S END!" _Severus carefully turned around the tree, to watch Lily float back, laughing. _"I feel so light!" _she kept saying, _"Come on, Tuney, you do it!" _But "Tuney" snatched her hand, and off they ran, home. Severus made it his personal quest to determine whether this girl was a witch. Severus watched Lily and Petunia for weeks, peering out of bushes and trees at them, or walking past pretending he wasn't interested. Lily was not simply magical, she was extremely magical. Her way of doing magic was so carefree, so lovely—she made flowers open, she conjured leaves up to twirl around she and her sister, she floated carelessly off the swing set in the park. Severus was half jealous of her joyful, pretty magic—here she was, a Muggle-born, just like his mother had said, _"brilliant at magic". _But more than that, he was determined to woo her as a friend. When he finally made an appearance, he blundered the situation royally. She thought that he was calling her a witch as an insult, and Petunia was no help either. Lily had left thinking he was merely insulting her, but the next day she came searching for him at Spinner's End. She found him sitting cross-legged outside of his house, reading.

"_Hi there. I've been looking for you—we met yesterday. Sorry to bother you," _she said in a polite yet assertive manner, _"but what exactly did you mean when you said I'm a witch? You weren't being rude, were you? Tuney said you were. She said her friends at school know you, that you're mean …"_

At once, Severus dropped the book, shocked at first to have someone speaking to him and then mortified that it was her, and here he was looking ordinary, sitting in front of his old house with the dirty paint job and the unkempt grass! _"Oh, hello," _he said, his mouth dry. He cleared his throat, and tried to sound confident. _"I wasn't being rude at all. If they think I'm mean, it's their own fault. Like I said, I'm a wizard and my mum—" _he heard the unmistakable groan of Dad's Buick growing louder as it clanked down the lane. _"Look, let's go somewhere more private, we can't talk here!" _With that, he took off running out in front of her, his winter coat flapping in the summer breeze. He half-expected her to go away. But, behind him, he heard her following. He led her to the woods by the river and finally stopped, trying to catch his breath. Lily giggled, almost nervously. _"We can't talk in front of Muggles. Non-magic people," _he explained importantly, watching her expression shift from being nervous to being intrigued. _"They don't get us, people like you and me and my mum. I'm like you. Watch this." _This time, he was completely focused on not screwing up the picked up a rock and threw it. It ricocheted off five trees before falling to the ground and rolling back to them. Lily stared in awe and then beamed at Severus; despite himself, he gave a little smile in return, being careful not to show his uneven teeth.

"_You weren't lying! Do something else! Please?" _

Heart pounding in his chest, he focused on her. It was like a great wind had rolled in—her hair swirled around her, rippling in an invisible vortex. She laughed delightedly, her hair falling back around her face. _"I'm Lily," _she said, sticking out her hand.

"_I know," _he said and then went red. _"I heard your sister calling you. Severus," _he said and they shook hands cordially. _"How long have you been doing magic?"_

"_I guess about a year, off and on. My family is getting worried."_

"_They needn't be. You're not doing anything bad. My dad hates magic, too. He's a Muggle and he forbids Mum and I from doing it when he's around," _Severus said, almost out of breath from trying to convey everything he wanted Lily to know right away. Lily looked overwhelmed. He was afraid he was going to make her leave again, and was desperately trying to find a hook._ "But it doesn't really matter what they think anyhow! Muggles, I mean. You and me are going to go to wizarding school! I've known for ages. I started doing magic when I was five," _he boasted, but Lily's eyes had lit up when he mentioned school.

"_What's wizard school? How do you go there? Are you sure I'm a… a witch?" _Lily's green eyes were alight with wonder. It was clear she was regarding Severus much differently then the day before.

Severus' dark eyes glinted, knowing he had her. _"You're not a Muggle, that's for sure. Muggles don't have magical powers. The school we'll go to is called Hogwarts. We'll get wands, and get trained, and learn more and more spells. There's lots of wizards and witches—you'll see." _Severus spent what seemed like hours explaining as much as he could to Lily, as quickly as he could. She asked him question after question, her pretty eyes lighting up with every response. Severus had never felt so cool before.

They started meeting nearly every day, conversing in the clearing. He'd never had a friend to confide in before, let alone someone he could discuss magic with. They had become close rather fast, given that they were the only two magical kids in the neighborhood, as far as Severus could see. This was good, because even as it was he had a difficult time enough sharing Lily with her family and other friends. Severus made a habit of looping endlessly around the neighborhood, in hopes to catch a glance of the redheaded girl. Lily lapped up his knowledge of everything magic with a longing he'd never seen. No one he had ever met had regarded him with such interest, such undivided attention. Lily loved to laugh, and she laughed at Severus when no one else had, finding humor in his bitter comments and poking fun at his unwillingness to let loose and play. At first Snape thought she was making fun of him, but soon he saw that she actually seemed to enjoy his quirks. This made him vaguely jovial.

Lily had no way to learn on her own, and so Severus got to tell her all about the wizarding world, about what Mum had said to do with Hogwarts, about the shops in Diagon Alley, the broomsticks, everything. He and Lily had big plans—they'd already decided they wanted to be the best at every subject and that they would learn absolutely everything they could. He even told her about his dad, and how his mum and dad often fought. Lily seemed to know even less about this sort of situation then she did about magic. Severus wondered what it was like inside her head. He regarded her as perfect. Unlike her sister and other children he met, she seemed unconcerned with his shabby clothes and awkward, almost pedantic way of conversing that he'd picked up from his shy, sullen mother.

They made water from the river spray up and spiral, and Severus taught Lily to skip stones that bounced. She showed him how she floated in the air. Weeks went by, and then months. After her read her a passage on Dementors from one of his books, she was delightfully afraid of the moving pictures and urged him to play "Azkaban Prison" with her. Severus, who usually wasn't one for pretend play, found himself getting into his roles quite beautifully. _"I saw you performing that spell! Don't you know underage witches can't do that outside of school?" _Severus cried out, and Lily half-giggled, half-shrieked hysterically as he dragged her by her arm and shoved her into the sand box in the playground. _"This is the prison," _he explained in a whisper. _"Oh no! I'm in Azkaban!" _Lily yelled, _"I'll never get out! I hope the Dementors won't come!" _Severus watched her with his arms at his side, smiling his crooked smile. _"Severus," _she whispered urgently, _"be a Dementor!" _Severus blinked, trying to figure out what to do. In a rare moment of frivolous creativity, he pulled his coat over his head like a hood and made his arms dangle in front of him.

"_I'm here… for your SOUL!" _he yelled, and Lily broke into a run, howling with laughter as Severus chased after her. _"Hey!" _he said in his normal voice, _"you can't just break out of Azkaban, you know. I was guarding it and it's really secure—" "Well, I used magic to get out and I broke out and now I'm really in trouble and you have to track me," _Lily retorted and watched as Severus put his coat back up over his face. She broke anew into giggles. She dove behind the swings, and they circled around the swing set. Severus changed direction suddenly and swooped through the swings, grabbing Lily by the shoulders. They toppled into the gravel, Severus on top of her. Lily was beside herself. _"No, don't take my soul!" _she screamed. _"Dementor's kiss! Dementor's kiss!" _Severus shouted, holding her down, and it was then that it dawned on him. He wasn't really sure how to mime a Dementor's Kiss, was he really supposed to kiss her soul out of her—

Another voice cut in. _"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" _screamed Petunia, charging toward them. Instantly, Severus jumped up, covered in sand and bright red in the face. His too- long hair hid the guilt in his black eyes. _"STEALING HER SOUL?" _she screeched, dropping in at Lily's side and helping her up, pale. _"No, stupid," _Severus spat, but his voice was wavering from being caught in such an embarrassing position, _"it's just a game we were playing." _Lily nodded, dusting herself off. _"She's not stupid. We were just playing, Tuney. It's like I told you, the Dementors suck the souls out of prisoners—" "And I told you that was GROSS!" _Petunia yelled, but it was clear she felt silly for assuming he was actually taking her sister's soul. _"Anyway, it's suppertime and you're in trouble for staying out all day without telling Mummy and Daddy. I told them I knew where you'd be. I can't believe you're still playing with him, Lily. He's entirely awful." _She stuck her tongue out at Snape and led Lily, who gave a sheepish wave, away. Severus kept blushing until long after they were gone.

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><p>Soon, Severus got his letter from Hogwarts, and Lily's parents were informed of her invitation to school by way of a professor of magic and a Ministry of Magic official. Dad said he'd be glad to see Severus go, even if he would come back "half crazy". Mum took him out to Diagon for second hand books, robes, and his very own wand. Severus had almost asked if Lily could come along, but he wasn't certain his mother would like it. Mum had already expressed concern that the Evanses would out her as a witch, even after Severus informed her that Lily knew just about as much magic as he did. Lily's parents ended up taking her, and she and Severus compared their goods. Severus was most proud of his wand, which was the only new thing he remembered owning, save for the donated Christmas toys he had gotten a few times from the local church. Lily had a wand, too, and an owl that she named Atticus who was very temperamental and quickly got into the habit of hissing at Severus if he thought the boy was getting too close to his master. They took their new schoolbooks to the clearing and read one of their history of magic text aloud, Lily reading in silly voices as though performing in a play. Despite himself, Severus was driven to small giggles. At the end of the chapter, Lily fell to Severus' side, Atticus hissing from his perch atop Lily's new book bag.<p>

"Atticus, shh," Lily said. "Severus, it's two days before we actually get to go! Aren't you excited?"

Severus gave a rapid nod. "Are your Mugg—er-parents dropping you off? If they don't want to, my mum might." He wasn't sure why he was offering something he didn't really even want to do.

"Of course they want to! They loved Diagon Alley." She was quiet for a second. "Tuney didn't want to go, and she hasn't been speaking to me much."

"I told you, she wishes she were like us. She's just being stupid."

"Severus," Lily said firmly," she's my sister. Don't talk about her that way. I've told you."

Snape's ears turned pink and he shrugged, ripping up a handful of grass. "I can not like her, can't I? She hates me, all right. I bet she sits in her room and tries to do magic." The thought of this made him smile unpleasantly. "I wonder what would happen if she actually did. She'd probably wet herself and cry."

Lily smiled slightly and then frowned. "Shut it, Severus! Leave her alone!" She gave him a little shove.

He flinched and then collected himself. "You thought it was funny," he said. "Admit it."

"No!" Lily snapped. "She's my sister—"

"You did, you liar," Severus said darkly, and tossed the grass he had picked into her lap.

"Severus!" she yelped, making him laugh his rare, panting laugh. She grabbed up more grass and tossed it at him. He tried to slap her away and then spied a spider they had rustled up from all the grass. Lily noticed at precisely the same time and said one firm word: _"Don't."_

But Severus had already snatched up the creature, holding it by its fat body and dangling it in front of her face with a smirk.

Lily was half-screaming and half-laughing. "Don't! Don't! Don't!" she repeated again and again. Atticus bobbed his head and hissed, finally swooping at Snape, who dropped the spider inside his own coat and spent the next few minutes scrambling to get it out with one hand and fighting off Atticus with the other. Lily dissolved into giggles. When he fished out the spider, he put it in his hand and let it walk around, trying to demonstrate that there was really nothing to be fearful of.

"It's not going to hurt you, see?"

Lily hesitated and then opened her hand. The spider walked across Severus' to hers and crawled up her arm. "Augh! It feels like little pinpricks! You're right, though, it's not so bad."

After Severus scooped up the spider, Lily grabbed their books. "It's time for tea. Want to come over?"

Severus nodded that he would, and still flushed and smirking, he flapped off behind her, careful to avoid Atticus' beak. When they entered the Evans' home, Severus felt as out of place as ever. Their home was not enormous, but each girl had her own room and their parlor was very much in order, with a neat bookshelf and a spot for Lily's father to do his office work. Lily's mother greeted them pleasantly, though he got the distinct feeling she thought little of him. Lily told him that her parents had forbade her from ever going to Spinner's End, but that suited him fine. He didn't care to have her come to his house anyway. It was embarrassing.

"Hello, dear," she said, kissing Lily's forehead. "Hello, Severus. Your father's not quite home yet, busy day at work. And Tuney's been upstairs for ages, I'm not quite sure what she's up to. I'll bring up some biscuits in a moment. If you chose a board game, perhaps you all could play?" she urged. Severus did not hide his sour expression. He wasn't here to hang out with Petunia, after all. Mrs. Evans raised her eyebrows at him. He stared back.

"Maybe," said Lily faintly. "Come on, Severus." They walked up the stairs to the second story of the home, Atticus flying up to Lily's room ahead of them. Petunia's room was silent when they passed by.

"Told you," Severus said, feeling like being particularly obnoxious. "She's in there practicing."

"No, she isn't," said Lily impatiently. "Tuney!" she said. "Tuney!" There was no answer.

"Of course she's not going to reply. Open the door, and you'll see."

"I don't want to snoop—"

"Go, on. Just peek in." Severus wasn't sure why he was acting like this today. It may have been partly because of the reaction it was sparking in Lily. He wouldn't have normally cared so much, but Lily was considering him with so much awe that it was inspiring. "I'll do it."

"Severus!" urged Lily, but she did not pull him away when he cracked open the door.

"She's not here," he said. And then, "Yikes! Her room is so pink!" With that, he walked in, Lily following him.

"We shouldn't be here," she whispered tersely.

"But look!" Severus whispered back, holding up a bright pink journal, his eyes shining greedily. "Her _diary."_

"Severus—stop!" Lily said, but there was a similar hunger in her eyes. As though on a cord, she tiptoed over and fell in beside him, peering over his shoulder as he opened it.

"'_Dear diary,'"_ he whispered, leaning into Lily, _"'Lily can make things move, at first it was only a little but now she does it all the time. It's scary and very unnatural. Today I saw her actually make a vase fall off the table without pushing it. I don't know what to think and I'm very upset with her!' _Doesn't think about much, does she?"

"What else does she say?" Lily pressed him.

Severus flipped a page. _"'..and now Lily won't stop hanging out with that boy I wrote about in my last entry. He doesn't look normal, it's like his parents don't care much about him, he has no sense of rules and is always dirty…'"_ Severus trailed off, his face burning.

"Oh, she doesn't mean it," Lily said, her own face pink. "She's just—"

"I don't care about anything she says," Severus said stiffly, and flipped the page. An envelope fluttered out onto the floor. "What's this?"

Lily picked it up. "It's… for Hogwarts! For the headmaster—"

Severus snatched it and opened it at once. _"'Dearest Miss Petunia Evans, I regret to inform you that I cannot enroll you into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.'" _Severus' face twisted into surprise. "What?" He read on. _"'Although judging by your letter you seem to be a very intelligent and level-headed sort of girl, Hogwarts students are sought out based on their affinity for magical talent'—_Intelligent!_" _He snorted.

"Let me see!" Lily grabbed the letter away and read. "Tuney tried to get into to Hogwarts—"

Severus gave a sardonic laugh, fully satisfied. "Told you, told you! I told you, didn't I? She's so jealous—I can't believe a Muggle actually wrote a letter to Dumbledore. I wonder if there are wizards at the post office, how else could she have sent it? She can't have known how-"

"HELLO ALL!" came the pleasant yell of Lily's father entering the front door.

Lily slipped the letter back in the journal and pried it out of Severus' hands, tossing it on her sister's dresser. "Let's get out of here."

* * *

><p>Today was the day. Severus had packed his new belongings and his clothing into an old suitcase, had choked down some cereal that seemed to be a bit moldy, and was now facing his father for the first time in weeks. When he'd awoken in the den, Tobias had been sitting at the kitchen table, glaring at him blearily. He'd been silent, but now, he addressed Severus with a small, simpering smile.<p>

"When you come back," he said," there won't be a place for you." His dark eyes stared into Severus'. "Are you listening to me?" He'd started drinking early in the morning; there was a whiskey bottle next to the milk on the kitchen counter.

Severus paused for a moment with his head drooped down, his sheet of uneven hair hiding his face. He nodded slowly.

"Is he an idiot?" Dad asked Mum. "A mute, like you?" He raised his hand like he was going to thrash Severus across the face and Severus flinched. Dad let out a laugh. "Little bastard."

"Come along, Severus," Mum said stiffly. "You've dawdled long enough."

Severus grabbed his bag and followed her out the door to the bus stop. They didn't speak at all until they got to King's Cross. "He's just upset," Mum said with a shrug. Compared to the other mothers and fathers in the station, Severus thought she looked very small and tired. "You're welcome to come home for break, although they do keep the school open if you want to stay back. "

"I'll think about it," Severus said, though his eyes were on Lily and her family, who had just come onto the platform.

Mum turned to track his gaze. "Is that your Mudblood friend?"

Severus nodded.

"You can join them, if you wish." She hesitated. "You can write... They supply owls, though I know you will be busy with class work. If you send them infrequently, your father won't care too much, if he's even around. At least let me know what house you get into. I know you're dying to see." On her thin mouth formed a hint of a smile that fell away as quickly as it came. "So long, Severus." Without even a backwards glance, his mother swooped out of the station, her black handbag swinging at her side.

Around Severus, hoards of people chattered and yelled, sparks flew up, parents kissed and hugged children, cats wove in and out of people's legs, howling. He felt a rise of excitement in his chest as he turned toward Lily. But she was gone. All that was left was her parents, who seemed to be comforting a crying Petunia. Irritated, Severus passed through the crowd, and boarded the Hogwarts Express. The first thing he did was put on his dress robes, hiding away his mismatched clothing. No one had to know where he lived and he suspected many of them wouldn't have even heard of it. Severus felt his fortune changing immediately. When he'd changed, he wandered from compartment to compartment, looking for Lily.

He finally spotted her in one near the end. She was crying and gazing out the window and when he greeted her, she was mad at him. Petunia had discovered that her letter had been found, and was apparently very cross with Lily. In a matter of minutes though, Lily settled down and they chattered happily about how wonderful it was to finally be going. At that point, the other boys in the compartment started poking fun at them. One was slight and black-haired, with robes that looked like they'd been pressed. The other had long, dark hair and was wearing hip trainers that Severus had seen in Diagon Alley—they were dragon hide. Severus and Lily decided to leave—rather, Lily, looking aggravated had ushered them out of there, the boys hooting with laughter behind them. "What did they just call me?" Severus asked, as they dipped into another compartment across the way.

"I don't know," Lily said angrily, her green eyes flashing in a way that Snape found sort of disturbing. "Just forget it. They had no business acting so rotten. Your Mum was in Slytherin, and so I'm sure it's quite good!"

"My mother's a professor, one of Slytherin's alumni," piped up a small, dignified looking black boy wearing fresh robes and reading a book on fortune telling. "Madame Zabini. And I'm Rainworth. Rain, for short. What are your names?"

"I'm Severus," he said. "This is Lily. Are you a first year, too?"

"_No,_" said the boy shortly. "I'm a fourth year."

Severus and Lily cast sideways glances of amusement at each other.

"Do you think you'll be in Slytherin?" the little boy asked.

Severus nodded. "Yes," he said forcefully. "Probably the both of us."

"Mother's tough, but very fair. She always gives me the best marks," he said, all of which Severus thought was ridiculous coming from someone who was her son. He glared, and Lily, sensing his annoyance, gave his foot a nudge with her toe. Luckily, Zabini seemed to not want to be bothered, and Lily and Severus were free to chat for the rest of the train ride.

* * *

><p>And now, here he was, standing in the Great Hall, which was even better than he could have imagined. He was taking it all in, but it was too much—it was all too much.<p>

Severus shook himself out of his nervous thoughts. The line was moving forward. Soon it was Lily's turn, and she squeezed Severus' shoulder before running up to the chair. The hat took a fair time with Lily, and Severus kept his fingers crossed behind his back. But it was to no avail—the hat shouted "GRYFFINDOR!" and in an instant, off she went. Severus stared as she scooted in easily at the Gryffindor table. He was shocked, though he did not know why. It should have been obvious that they wouldn't be sorted in the same house. It was typical of Severus' luck.

Still. Lily in the thrill-seeking Gryffindor house? As if sensing his gaze, she turned to him and made a sad smile, shrugging. Severus finally sat down to be sorted; he was one of the last. _"Ah, very interesting," _the hat whispered in his ear, making him jump. _"You've got plenty of brains but there's something else—you'd love to be noticed, wouldn't you? You're brave, even though you might not think you are. You're observant, self-reliant, and calculating…Well, it's quite obvious. You'll prosper greatly in—" _"SLYTHERIN!" it screamed, hurting Severus' ears. He put the hat down and wandered over to the banquet table with the green satin tablecloth where his new housemates were clapping.

"Welcome," said a tall older blonde boy with gleaming teeth, patting Severus on the back. He stuck out his hand to shake Severus'. He had a very firm grip and an intense stare. "My name is Lucius Malfoy. I'm the head prefect in Slytherin. If you need anything or have any questions, you can ask me—"

"Basically, if you miss your Mummy, it's his job to give you a teddy bear," cackled a pretty black haired older girl with hard eyes.

"Do you _have_ to say that to every new first year, Bellatrix?" another girl, poised and blonde, asked. She was staring at her nails intently, making them change colors.

"I like the silver, 'Cissa," Bellatrix said. "And I'm merely helping Lucius. I know he wants to do well on his first day." She cuffed Lucius on the shoulder.

Lucius, scowling darkly, looked a bit put out. "It's _not _my job to give you a teddy bear," he said, sort of ferociously, in Severus' opinion. Severus tried to put on an expression that conveyed he that he very much did not need or want a teddy bear. "Narcissa and Bellatrix Black," Lucius gestured to the girls. Severus knew the surname from his mother, who had gone to school with the previous generation of Blacks. "And that's Dolores—" a small prim girl in pink with a flat nose giggled and waved—" this here is Xia Marks, Selden Parkinson, Caulworth Jones, and Rita Skeeter." They waved. "This is Rain Zabini—his mother is a—"

"We've met," said Rain shrilly, waving Lucius away, still buried in his book.

"Balls still haven't dropped," muttered Parkinson into his napkin. Caulworth Jones sniggered.

"And these three are new like you…" Lucius paused. "Forgive me- you'll have to introduce yourselves, I've been learning too many new names."

"Mulciber. Vincent Mulciber," said a high-voiced prim looking boy with thick brown curls and a chin that seemed too big for his small face. He waved with the tips of his fingers. "Samuel Avery," said a slight red haired boy with blue eyes like slits. "Evan Rosier," grunted a tan girl whose face was framed with dark bangs, offering her hand. Severus shook it, his heart racing. He wasn't enjoying being around so many people.

"Severus Snape," he said to everyone after a few moments. There was a thick pause.

"Excited?" Lucius loudly asked all the first years in earshot as though he were addressing two year olds, smiling widely. He gave Severus the distinct impression that he wasn't always this nice. "I remember when I first came to Hogwarts… It seems quite long ago—"

"Yes, because you're so grown up now and everything," Bellatrix said, her heavily lidded eyes filled with amusement.

Lucius went on in a patronizing tone, apparently liking the sound of his own voice. "I have high hopes for all of you. As you should know, Slytherin is the best Hogwarts house. Salazaar Slytherin, the founder, was a man well known for his—"

"Penchant for snogging the wives of his best friends?" Bellatrix offered.

"Really?" Rita asked. "Which friends? Godric Gryffindor? Was _that _why they broke apart?" She and Dolores twittered together.

His face turning red, Lucius breathed in slowly as though he might momentarily burst into a fit of rage. Watching him made Severus sort of nervous, so he looked behind him at the Gryffindor table, where Lily was talking to a crowd of people. "NO," Lucius continued," and you should bite your tongue. Slytherin was a keen mind; he wrote several books and is responsible for creating some of the most effective curses, which will come in handy to learn about when you are all much older. Of course, no one here will teach you." He fell silent, as though daring people to ask who would teach them, and how he was smart enough to know.

"It's true that he was a philanderer," Bellatrix said rather bleakly, obviously upset that Lucius would question her loyalty to Slytherin. "I read it somewhere. Anyway, I'm just angry that Sirius got sorted into Gryffindor. He's such a little show off. Probably begged the hat to go there so he'd look rebellious."

Narcissa nodded. "Always has to stand out. Auntie will absolutely die when she hears the news."

"Ahem, hem," coughed the Dolores girl. "Girls, I think Dumbledore's about to start the beginning of term speech!"

Severus and the others turned toward the front of the hall, where the bearded Headmaster was shooting stars out of his wand and smiling. Dumbledore had been head of Hogwarts since before Snape's mum was there. She'd said very little about him, but seemed to think favorably of him. Despite feeling bad about Lily, Snape was excited and more than a little hungry. This would be the first full meal he'd had in about a week.

After the meal, Severus was feeling upset. It was a travesty. Severus knew Lily well enough to be sure that she'd be a much better Slytherin. Hogwarts was going to be the improvement Severus' life had needed, but now he was certain everything was going to go terribly wrong. He'd tried to get her attention after the feast, and off she went with the Gryffindors, happy as anything! What if she forgot they were friends? What if she realized that he really _was _weird, and that she was—well, she was _Lily? _Severus' brow furrowed. In the time they had spent together, Severus had been Lily's only link to the wizarding world. But now that they were at Hogwarts, anyone could help her out. This horrified Severus. Why had he not thought about it before? Lily was the best thing that had happened to him… It was stupid even in his head, it sounded so soppy and ridiculous. But he realized it was true. He knew he should be conversing with his new classmates, but instead, Severus yearned for his best friend. His best friend who was in stupid _Gryffindor._

"All right, Snape? It's Snape, isn't it?" came Lucius' drawling voice.

Severus, who had been hunched over the common room fire, turned around to face the Slytherin Prefect. "It is," he said quietly. "And yes, I'm all right. My friend got sorted into the wrong house, that's all." He tried to hide the fact that he was rather upset about this news.

Lucius smiled pleasantly, but a couple other boys sniggered. Snape narrowed his eyes, wondering if Lucius was really being friendly or if he was having some fun with him. "Pity for him," Lucius said. "Slytherin is incomparable to the other houses—"

"Her," corrected Snape instantly. "She's stuck in Gryffindor."

"Oh, _her," _Lucius grinned even wider, flipping his wavy blond hair out of his face. "Tut, tut, bad luck." The older boy sat up and patted the spot on the couch next to him. "I don't bite," he said laughingly when Snape hung back.

Snape breathed in nervously. Lucius hadn't directly spoken to him since greeting him at the feast, and in his experience, older boys did not normally like him. Girls at least either left him alone, pitied him, or weren't half as cruel to him. He sat down next to Lucius crisply.

"Aren't you hot in those robes?" Lucius asked suddenly. The others had all changed into different clothes. "They look like the old velvet kind."

Severus shook his head slowly, though he was sweating bullets. The fact was, all of his clothing had been donated to his home from a local organization for poor families. Severus' clothes were all too big, too small, or strange looking. His shoes made clapping sounds when he walked, and the underpants he had were all faded and baggy, some sort of factory rejects. He was determined not to look like a total fool during his first week at Hogwarts. The robe, though second-hand, was better than all of his Muggle clothes put together.

Lucius stared at him through his bright grey eyes. "Snape," he said, as though deep in thought. "I'll have to ask my parents if they knew yours at school. What was your mother's maiden name? Perhaps they knew both your parents. "

"Prince," he said softly. His mother hadn't told him, but he'd seen it in her old yearbooks.

Lucius clapped him around the shoulder suddenly, making him jump. "You'll find a new girlfriend, I'm sure."

Instantly, Snape went red and clenched his teeth. "NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" he all but screamed, thoroughly annoyed.

Lucius dissolved into hearty laughter, which inspired the entire common room to follow suit. "That's rich," Lucius said," that's _so _rich. You are too much, Snape!"

Severus was almost halfway down the common room stairs to get to bed. In his dorm room, he was unhappy to see that Mulciber, Avery and Ethan Middleton were all awake, chatting animatedly. For a brief instant, he missed his solitude at home but that was instantly pushed out of his mind. He'd rather be surrounded by hundreds of idiots than be stuck alone with his father.

"Hi there, Snape," said Mulciber in a prissy tone of obvious high breeding. "We're all just getting to know each other, being that we'll be stuck together for the next seven years. I'm rather looking forward to Hogwarts. Where are you from, anyway?"

Severus sat on his bed and pulled off his shoes. "Cokeworth," he said. The boys watched him. "I live with my mum?" he offered meekly.

"Is your father dead?" Middleton asked in an unsympathetic tone. It was clear he was both trying to gauge Severus' blood status and whether he was from a broken home.

Severus nodded without thinking about it. "I don't know much about him. And I'm really tired." With that, he settled in his canopy bed and closed the curtains around him, not caring that he hadn't changed to pajamas, not caring he'd turned away his dorm mates. They were quiet for a few minutes and then kept talking, exchanging information about the size of their estates, their Pureblood lineage, and how early they'd produced magic.


	2. Strange Little Girl

Chapter Two: Strange Little Girl

* * *

><p><em>First Year- Start of term until December<em>

* * *

><p><em>"I did it all just for her<br>I did it all just for her  
>And love wants us dead<br>Just me and my poison girl."_

-HIS INFERNAL MAJESTY, "Poison Girl", Razorblade Romance

* * *

><p>Lily Evans looked around the Great Hall at Hogwarts, absolutely captivated. Everywhere, there was something to take in. The sorting hat, for one, actually sang, opening its brim wide. A singing hat! The annoying boys from the train were bobbing along as the Sorting Hat sang, waving their arms. At the staff table, a gigantic man with a black beard was sloshing around a goblet, bantering with a squat young woman in coveralls. The house tables were beautiful, with green, red, blue and yellow tablecloths brightening the hall. Several ghosts floated in through the side wall, complaining that they were late for yet another sorting. "I always do like to hear the songs that hat cooks up, "said a little friar ghost disappointedly. Candles floated in midair. There was so much to take in! Lily heard her name being called a few moments later, and snapped out of her observations. Lily ran up to the stool and hopped on, swinging her feet nervously as the professor leading the sorting ceremony placed the sorting hat upon her head. Her thoughts were riddled with all kinds of thoughts—what if she couldn't be sorted? What if none of the houses suited her? She knew Severus had his heart set on Slytherin for the pair of them, but she would be happy enough just to be accepted. Although Severus kept reassuring her that Dumbledore wouldn't have made a mistake, Lily wasn't so sure. After all, Petunia hadn't been accepted. Who was to say that Lily's magical talents were only fleeting? But all of these thoughts halted when the hat began to whisper into her ear.<p>

_"First generation witch!" _the hat mused. "_Welcome, welcome. Your head is brimming with knowledge! Yes sir, you'd do quite well anywhere you are placed. You're very loyal and trustworthy—that's clear… ah, but a clever and perceptive girl, too. Pleasant but also very aware. You've a strong talent for acceptance, and you're not afraid to do what's right. Yes—headstrong and bold when it comes to standing up for others. Well then, it's clear as glass!" _There was a pause. "GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the hat. Lily grinned, and leapt off the stool but then it struck her that she was going to the precise house that Severus thought the lowest of. Still, it was better than nothing. Wasn't it?

Lily had Severus to thank for telling her she was a witch. She would have never imagined it in her wildest daydreams, even when she _was _doing peculiar things that she could not explain…

Lily had grown up first in London with her mother, father and sister Petunia who was one year older, whom they all lovingly called "Tuney" since Lily hadn't been able to pronounce her full name as a toddler. Life in London was much different. Lily and Petunia shared the same friends, girls who were their neighbors in the pretty apartment house they lived in with their parents. Petunia included Lily in activities with the older girls. Bike riding, painting their nails, playing with balls, that was the order of the day. _"She's my little sister, but she's also my best friend so don't mess with her," _Petunia once told a group of neighborhood boys haughtily. Petunia was more of a tomboy and a serious girl, playing sports and competing since she was a little girl while Lily preferred reading, playing pretend and inventing things. Lily's father encouraged her free spirit, helping her to create concoctions in the kitchen that no one wanted to eat. Their father was a banker with kind eyes and a wry sense of humor, who often complained about people on welfare and the state of the economy. Their mother stayed at home, though she volunteered with several women's organizations in town. Mother, looking flawless, would entertain ladies during her luncheons and teas. Petunia loved these gatherings, while Lily was happier outside jumping in mud puddles. _"Tuney," _Mother would say, _"you should have been watching her, she's gone and ruined her best skirt." _Petunia absolutely loved school, and brought home good grades, though teachers often complained about her being serious and too head strong. Lily, on the other hand, charmed her teachers with her creativity and bright smile.

For Christmas one year, the girls got matching doll sets. Petunia at once went to work pretending to change the baby's diaper, informing Lily that her husband was a very important man. Lily, who liked to play pretend but was at an age where this seemed like a very boring game, held her baby outside the window by its ankle and dropped it into the busy street. _"Look," _she said, _"my baby can fly!" _Petunia ran for Mother. Sometimes it was odd for their parents to see how they got on so well together. Their birthdays were a few days apart, so they had joint parties, always a strawberry cake for Lily and a vanilla one for Petunia, and they would link arms and blow their candles out. Their friends brought them presents in gorgeous boxes adorned with bows and ribbons. The family got along well—there were frequent vacations to Spain and the seaside, picnic lunches, play dates, homework help from tutors, and toys… Everything seemed perfect until bizarre things began to happen around their house.

Around age eight, Lily began realizing that if she thought long and hard enough about something, it happened. Her mother denied her ice cream since she hadn't eaten her vegetables, but the ice cream floated out of Mother's hands and was halfway to Lily when it fell on the floor with a thud. Petunia, Mother and Lily all screamed, and spent the evening gathered together in the kitchen, watching the ice cream melt on the floor until Father came home. _"Oh, poppycock," _he said,_" that can't have happened." _But it was obvious to Lily and Petunia that he was concerned, too. The next day Lily was mad about Petunia using up her favorite markers, and the picture that Petunia had drawn ripped in half. _"What in the blazes?" _Dad cursed, turning white.

"_It's obvious, isn't it, Albert?" _their mother said later that night when they thought both girls were asleep in bed. _"Our house—it's haunted—" _Father sighed. _"I never believed in all that rubbish," _he said,_ "but you know, I'm not so sure. This flat was built over one hundred years ago, so maybe there's some bad energy here?" _The waver in their voices scared the girls out of sleep for a few weeks. When Father got offered a job at a bank opening in Cokeworth, he took it immediately. The house that had given them so many happy memories now gave them all the chills. Crying, Lily and Petunia told their friends goodbye, and promised they'd visit as often as they could. Father was sure to find a newer home, and it ended up being a bargain because it was quite close to Spinner's End, a notoriously poverty-stricken neighborhood. Mother and Father made Tuney and Lily promise they'd never cross into Spinner's End. _"And don't play in that river—it's filthy, and no doubt filled with trash, glass and I don't know what else!" _Lily and Petunia always played just close enough to the river to catch glimpses of Spinner's End. Petunia seemed mortally offended by the way it looked, but Lily, ever fearless, was almost transfixed by the danger of it. Most of the houses had holes in the windows, and a dank smell hung in the air, no doubt a combination of the old deserted mill and the river, which often had rats swimming in it. Fights broke out that echoed across into the girls' neighborhood, men saying words that made Mother purse her lips and cover their ears.

It wasn't very long before strange things started happening at the new house, too. Lily began to have control over objects she touched. She couldn't explain how or why—she just did. She felt a sort of light, funny feeling when this happened, like a tickle. When she realized she could jump in the air and hold herself stationary, she showed her mother, who cried out before putting a hand over her mouth. Petunia watched in disbelief from the chaise lounge. _"Albert," _Mother cried into the phone, _"We need you at home!" _But when he got there, Lily could no longer do it. The ability had passed. Other things happened, though. A vase fell off the table, or more accurately, it slid itself quite a few centimeters before finally crashing off the side. Forks and spoons floated at the dinner table. Petunia shrieked, and their parents gazed, mystified. At the park, Lily jumped off the swing and floated in midair. _"How are you doing that?" _Mother called from the ground. _"Stop it! Please, stop it!" _She held out her arms, expecting her daughter to crash, but Lily floated back down as easily as she went up. The family was horrified. Lily tried to stop doing those things but it was becoming harder and harder. _"The ghost followed us," _Mother said to Father one late night in the parlor. _"I wonder if it's your father, he never did want for us to get married…" _

One night, Petunia snuck into her sister's room. She patted Lily's hair, telling her she'd be okay. _"It isn't your fault, Lily-Lou," _Petunia said affectionately. _"Maybe it is, Tuney," _Lily shrugged. Petunia stared. _"It can't be." "Well, it's not a ghost," _Lily told her. _"What is it, then?" _Lily was quiet for a while. _"Something nice," _she said. She wanted Petunia's dolls to float in the air, and they did. Petunia hid under the sheets, screaming. In ran their parents, and the dolls stayed where they were, floating above the dresser. _"Good lord," _Dad said and then facing the supposed phantom, he yelled, _"Who are you? What are you? Get away from my daughters!" _

Lily focused hard on the dolls, and made them sway from side to side. She giggled. _"What's funny?" _Mummy demanded, her face white. _"Do you see the ghost? Oh, Albert, it said in the book I got that children can see them more easily—" _

But Lily shook her head. _"Mummy, it's me doing it! See!" _She pointed at the dolls and dragged her finger down. The dolls followed, and fell onto the dresser. _"I wanted them to fall and they did," _she said.

The entire family stared in shock. Immediately, Lily's mother and father began bantering. Petunia stayed under the covers. Lily began to sob. It was a family emergency.

"_Now sweetheart," _Mother said the next morning, pouring orange juice into the girls' cereal bowls instead of porridge, her drooping eyelids a sign that she hadn't slept all night. _"Daddy's gone and made you an appointment with a very nice doctor who we think might be able to help—"_

"_Help what?" _Lily asked innocently.

"_Your ah—your—problem," _Mother said. _"Now, there's nothing wrong with you. But if you can help it, please try your very hardest not to make anymore… Ah… Things happen…"_

Lily nodded solemnly, but she had no intention of stopping the levitating. That was much too fun.

* * *

><p>Around the house, Lily tried her best to contain her thoughts. But outside playing alone or with Petunia, she floated over the river, did tricks on the monkey bars and flew off the swings, much to Petunia's dismay. Petunia, ever the rule follower, was severely rattled by Lily's disobedience. But even more so, she wanted to learn how to do the same things as well so she promised not to tell their parents. Lily tried to teach her. <em>"It's like… a good feeling you get, and when you can believe it will happen, it will!" <em>Lily told her optimistically, but Petunia kept jumping off the swings or the monkey bars and scraping her knees. It was a week before Lily was supposed to meet with the "doctor", and she and Petunia were playing in the park by their house. Lily was trying to demonstrate to Petunia how she was making a flower open and close by simply focusing on it and "believing it would happen", when a very strange figure appeared out of the bushes.

Petunia screamed out loud, caught by surprise and no doubt afraid that a neighborhood child would spread around Lily's secret (they'd been trying to keep to themselves mostly for their parents' benefit). Lily jumped, not expecting him, but then stared at him quizzically. He was absolutely the weirdest child Lily had ever seen. He had to have been about Tuney's age—he was taller than Lily but was stooped over. She wondered if it was his eyes that made him look so weird—big like saucers and black as oil. He was wearing the most unsightly clothes: tattered, too-small trousers and a coat that Lily figured he'd borrowed from his father to play "grown-ups". He didn't seem to think it was weird that Lily had been making a flower move, _and _he admitted he'd been watching her for a while! His hair was black and long as a girl's, but very unkempt as though he did not brush it. Instinctively, Lily wrinkled her nose as he spoke. Lily looked back at Petunia, who seemed to be thinking the same thing: '_Ew.' _

The sisters were joined in distaste for him, especially when he referred to Lily as a witch. But when he said that his own mother was a witch and he was a _wizard_, Lily began to regard him with more interest than dislike. Who was he? Was he lying? He didn't seem like he was telling a fib, but he also seemed suspiciously haughty, a funny thing for such a ridiculous-looking boy. He seemed like he was trying to appeal to her, but there was nothing polite or friendly about his tone as though he didn't know how to speak properly. He almost seemed desperate. He called Petunia a name Lily had never heard before, but it sounded silly and hateful. Lily wondered if it was an adult bad word she hadn't heard yet. Before Lily could figure out what he was even talking about, Petunia led her off.

"_Don't pay him any mind, Lily. He won't tell anyone what you can do. He doesn't have any friends. Gloria told me he doesn't even go to regular school—his Mum teaches him at home because he's too…"_she paused dramatically recalling the exact details of the neighborhood lore. _"Creepy." _Lily raised her eyebrows, throwing an interested glance back at the playground.

"_What's creepy about him?" _Lily asked in a whisper, her eyes wide. If there was one thing Lily loved, it was an unsavory story. She loved getting shivers down her spine.

"_Don't look back at him!" _Petunia hissed. She waited until they were far from the playground. _"Gloria sees him when he's playing alone. He plays with rats and spiders. She says he chops them up and brings them home for his Mum to make dinner. And he's really mean and they told me he throws rocks at them except they can never prove it."_

Lily breathed in slowly. _"He chops up rats?"_

"_That's what they say."_

"_What does he mean, he's a wizard? Did Gloria tell you about that?"_

Petunia snorted. _"He's just being stupid. Wizards don't exist."_

Lily nodded, though she was deep in thought. She decided that the first chance she got she needed to find that Snape boy and ask him why he wasn't shocked by her strange ability to make the flower move. She also wanted to ask if he really chopped up rats and ate them. Maybe that was what the poor people that lived in Spinner's End all ate for dinner… Or maybe his mum really _was _a witch. Lily wanted to see her.

* * *

><p>Naturally, Lily set out to find the creepy Snape boy the very next afternoon. Father was at work, Tuney had a piano lesson, and Mother needed to run errands. Lily made up an excuse that she wanted to stay behind and rest because she felt sick, and explained that <em>Tuney<em> was old enough to stay by herself, so why shouldn't she be able to? Mother seemed to think that rest was a good idea—after all, it might cure whatever weirdness was going around, and for the first time, Lily was permitted to stay back at the house. She waited a few minutes before hurrying toward Spinner's End. She took the long way around the river, found the cobblestone road, and began to explore the neighborhood. It really was a ghastly sight compared to what she was used to. From windows, televisions blared and babies screamed. Litter lined the yellow grass in front of each house. She peered into the dirty side alleys behind each cluster of houses, but there was no sign of the Snape boy. She kept on down the road until she reached the very last house. The two windows were covered up with black, tattered curtains and the mailbox was broken and sitting in the yard. Lily perked up at the sight of the boy: he was sitting cross-legged in the yard reading a big book. His boots looked too-big for his feet and he had on mismatched socks that bulged over the shoes. He was mumbling to himself and flicking his fingers absent-mindedly. At once, Lily asked him about the day before, and what he had meant about her being a witch.

He told her to follow him, and once they were safe within the privacy of a small gathering of trees past his house, he showed her that he could make things move, too. Lily was delighted but also nervous. He introduced himself as Severus, a strange name Lily had never heard. He spoke in a quiet, stilted voice that contrasted heavily with his accent that was a bit more common than hers. She was unsure about being in his company until he told her about Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He knew things that she needed to know. That is, as long as he wasn't lying.

Lily snuck out to meet Severus that entire weekend, even though she was still unsure about him. He asked her to meet him in the clearing, or the playground. Lily had decided she would tell her parents about him as soon she was certain she was a witch. In the meantime, she had a lot to learn from Severus. He was weird, all right, and very somber. But there was something mysterious and captivating about his knowledge of witches and wizards. If he was lying, he was very good at it. Within a few days of their budding friendship, Lily decided to see if Petunia was right about him.

"_Severus," _she said, twirling a twig between her fingers. She stopped twirling it, but it still spun around.

He eyed her hands as he spoke. _"What?" _

"_Tuney heard from some of her friends that you do weird things."_

"_Who? What did they say?" _he sat up, tearing his eyes away from her hands. _"I told you, if they think I'm mean, it's their own fault. They hardly know me."_

Lily nodded, flushing at his defensiveness. Her curiosity got the best of her. _"She said that they said that you play with rats… Rats and spiders… And that you chop them up?"_

Severus' eyes widened. _"They say that, really? They're not completely right but…"_

"_But what?" _Now Lily's eyes widened. _"You don't, do you?" _But it was obvious that she was highly interested. He gave a small smile.

"_If you scream like your sister does," _he said, _"I'll laugh." _And with that, he put out his hand and made a strange, whispering sound. He glanced up. _"Sometimes if I focus really hard, animals will do what I want." _Sure enough, a fat sewer rat ambled out from the path to the river.

Lily put her hand over her mouth—not out of fear, but of amazement. There was something thrilling about Severus' bleak appearance combined with his outstretched hand, beckoning the rat to them. The rat wandered over and when it was just several meters away, sniffing the air with its pointed nose, Severus mumbled a mixture of jumbled words. With a squeak, the rat fell on its side. _"It's surprised," _he explained, _"not hurt. My mum taught me this one. It's useful for getting the fur of animals for potions, or anything, really. Sometimes it's just good fun to look at them close up. Come on." _He crawled toward the immobilized rat, his oversized shirt rippling in a small breeze. Lily, thoroughly amazed, followed suit. Severus ran his fingers over the rat, and pulled at its tail. The tail fell right off, like a rubbery piece of pink yarn.

Lily gasped and Severus snickered. _"How did you do that? Are you hurting him?"_

"_I told you I'm not." _He muttered something else, and the tail reaffixed itself. _"See? Good as new. It works when animals break their legs. Also if you need parts of them for potions and stuff—"_

"_So you DO cut them up!" _

"_No," _Severus said stuffily_, "we don't need to. We don't make potions much. At all, really. Dad doesn't want us to. I'd like to see his face if I brought a rat like this home." _Severus' face warped into a far-off gaze. _"Just imagine if someone bad were chasing you and you could just wish for their legs to fall off." _He mumbled again, and the rat ran off, squeaking. _"What if people who were mean to you could just disappear?" _He smiled to himself.

Lily was silent, feeling a bit uncomfortable. It was the first time he had talked like this—the most personal he had gotten. She felt like changing the subject, and so she picked up the twig she'd dropped and practiced willing it to twirl.

Severus snapped out of his strange trance and scooted closer to her. After a second of silence like he was thinking hard about something, he reached for her hand and grabbed it gingerly. His fingernails were jagged like he'd bitten them. He held out her hand in his and moved her fingers apart. _"Like this," _he said, _"give it more room." _She followed his advice and the twig whirled in her open hand.

"_Thanks, Severus!" _Lily said, beaming.

He smiled, and then scooted back away from her at once.

* * *

><p>After a bit of time had passed, Lily spilled everything to her parents. She did not want to see the doctor, after all, and after she had armed herself with knowledge from her new friend she felt more confident in talking to them. They seemed amused at first but when they saw that she had so much information, they were skeptical and annoyed.<p>

"_Who told you all of this?" _asked Daddy.

Lily looked away from Petunia who was sitting, horrified, between their parents on the couch. _"My new friend, Severus."_

Petunia made a choking noise. _"No! Lily! I told you not to speak with him! He's bad!"_

Mother looked concerned. _"A boy? You've been seeing a boy?"_

"_The WORST boy!" _Petunia wailed. _"He called her a witch on the playground—oh Lily, he was just fooling you about the magic, he's awful! He said he was watching you! Oh nooo… I didn't know, Mummy, I really didn't! I told her not to go—"_

"_Is that where you've been going? Meeting a boy?" _Daddy asked, his voice raised.

"_He lives in SPINNER'S END!" _shouted Petunia, beside herself with emotion.

"_Tuney, please stop screaming," _Mother said. _"Lily, you really should have told us. I'd rather we had met this boy—Petunia Evans, stop screaming, you're overreacting!"_

"_How old is he?" _Dad asked.

"_My age!" _Lily said defiantly. _"You can meet him, though there's nothing to worry about—" _

"_Don't tell us what to worry about and what to not worry about!" _Mother said. _"It's fine if you have a little friend, but I really would like to meet him—"_

"_He doesn't exactly like meeting most people. He says non-magical people are Muggles. He says I'm different and that I'm not stupid like other girls in this place—"_

Petunia made a noise like she might scream again, but instead clapped her hand over her mouth.

"_Muggles," _chortled Daddy. _"Interesting. This boy has a vivid imagination."_

"_It's real," _Lily said, insulted. _"He wouldn't lie."_

Petunia laughed coldly. _"He's wrong about you, Lily. I think you're being quite stupid." _With that, she left the room.

That week, Lily invited Severus over for tea, where he was coerced into explaining Hogwarts and magic to Lily's parents. After much persuasion, Severus made a tea cup float in the air. Mother and Father did not have much to say after that.

* * *

><p>Petunia was not impressed. She claimed that Severus was still lying. Lily tried to convince her sister, but nothing helped—especially the fact that Severus was just as rude to Tuney as she was to him. It was clear that at this point, Severus was the only person who really saw Lily for what she was. Slowly, Lily began to really look forward to seeing him, even if he had odd habits. It may have had to do something with deprivation from another social circle, but then it became quite real that she enjoyed Severus' dark humor and cynical way of viewing the world around them. There was something very right about it.<p>

"_Severus," _Lily began, hesitating to ask what she figured might come off as an insulting question. But Lily's inquisitive nature usually trumped her desire to appear respectful. She had her hand over her face, shielding the light that was pouring through the trees. _"If wizards and witches can do so many amazing spells, and your mother's a full witch, then why doesn't your mother just make you some more money and buy you a better house?"_

She felt Severus shift by her side. He readjusted himself, his shoulder grazing her arm and then resting there, touching her lightly. _"It doesn't work that way. Remember I told you about Gringotts? The bank? Wizards have their own money, and it's illegal to make money, just like it is for Muggles. It's an exception to some transfiguration law Mum told me about…" _He paused. _"Yes, I asked her the same question." _

"_I'm sorry, Severus," _Lily said. _"I shouldn't have asked—"_

"_Why not?" _he said bluntly and she looked up to see him staring at her with a serious look on his face. _"I like that you want to know about me." _He suddenly became very red about the ears and settled back on his elbows.

"_You're blushing," _Lily said, laughing. _"Why are you blushing?"_

"_No, I'm not. I never blush," _he said dryly, and then promptly got up and ran off.

"_Severus!" _she called, and tried to chase after him but he was already way down the lane.

* * *

><p>As soon as Lily turned eleven, she received a letter in the mail that explained to both her and her parents how she had been accepted to Hogwarts, and that both a professor and an official representative of the Ministry of Magic would come to her residence at a convenient time to have a sit down with her family. This visit happened a week later, and felt to Lily like being starving and having an appetizer but no dinner. Professor Flitwick, a tiny man with spectacles in a striped suit arrived and explained the school, its houses, the coursework, and what Lily's parents could expect in the seven years of her education.<p>

Father and Mother were both apprehensive about the lack of maths and English, but Flitwick explained, to Lily's dismay, that all Hogwarts students would be expected to learn arithmetic and writing through their core courses. This would be monitored and would be vital to their magical learning. Once Flitwick explained that there were exams, finals, pop quizzes, reports, papers, a heavy reading load and severe rules at Hogwarts, Lily's parents were looking a lot merrier. Lily felt a bit glummer, in contrast.

A witch by the name of Raphody Quibblemott arrived late, apologizing profusely that her portkey had been misplaced. The Evans family blinked and gawked at her. She rattled off an explanation of portkeys until she realized she was only baffling them further, so she stopped and instead discussed the laws of the wizarding world with them. This, she said, was mostly for Lily's parents' benefit. _"After all," _she snickered, reminding Lily of Severus when he didn't really think something was very funny, _"what parent would want their child to be bending rules they did not even know existed?" _She gave the Evanses a pamphlet of information, had them sign security and secrecy forms, plugged their information into a Muggle tracking device, and informed them of how to get Lily's school things and safely send her off to Hogwarts. Lily was so caught up in it all that she didn't notice Petunia, who was hiding the entire time behind the kitchen door.

"_You think you're so much better than me. You and your gross new friend," _Petunia spat as soon as the meeting was over, pointing her finger at Lily.

"_Severus isn't gross!" _Lily squawked.

"_Oh yeah? Well, then, why doesn't he ever wash his hair?"_

Lily stared her sister down. _"Don't be silly. Of course he washes his hair. And I don't think I'm better than you!"_

"_You and your special school!" _Petunia yelled, cornering her between the dining room table and the kitchen counter. _"You think you're so great that you get to go off and do magic! Well, see if I care!"_

"_Severus says you're jealous—"_

"_You can pass him a message from me. Tell him to get his big nose out of my business!"_

"_I will NOT say that! You're being so mean, Tuney—"_

"_Perfect Lily," _simpered Petunia. _"Perfect Lily with her special powers!"_

"_SHUT UP!" _Lily yelled, and their mother's porcelain tea set fell off the counter and shattered.

* * *

><p>Lily shook herself out of her thoughts. Her head was swimming with new information. She was a Gryffindor, she was at Hogwarts, she was surrounded by new people, she was in the biggest fight she'd ever had with her sister whom she loved dearly, and she was very far from her family. She felt excited and tired as she bounded over to the Gryffindor table, where the long haired annoying boy from the train made room for her. She made a face at him and turned the other way.<p>

"Hi there, I'm Rosie Bagman," said a friendly, athletic looking girl with dark ringlets pulled back from her face. "I'm head girl and—" she looked Lily up and down. "You look graceful. Are you graceful? I need to train a new seeker at the end of this year… Ingrid's graduating."

"A what?" Lily asked.

"She's just told us how she's Quidditch captain as well," explained the long-haired boy from behind Lily. "The _end _of this year?" he inquired, raising his eyebrows. "Blimey, and I thought my mother was a perfectionist. I'm Sirius Black, though you seem to not care. Honestly, have a sense of humor! You do know what Quidditch is, don't you?"

"Oh yes, Severus leant me a magazine on it. And I'm Lily Evans," she said shortly, not wanting to be _too _rude but also showing no warmth to the boy.

"A magazine? You've never ridden a broom? You're Muggle born, aren't you!" Sirius exclaimed. "When did you find out you were magical?"

Lily watched his face to see if he was making fun of her, but he looked earnest. "I could fly off the swings, make my clothes change colors… My mum said there was something the matter with our house. She thought it was haunted. Then I met my friend Severus, and he told me about being a wizard. He already knew he was one."

"I found out by accident," squeaked a small, wiry dark-haired boy, peering over a collar that nearly covered the bottom half of his face to speak. "I made my pet fish float in the air! I was so scared! My name's Xing Chang. I'm still kind of scared… I've never met anyone else magical." Lily nodded knowingly, liking him instantly. They shook hands, and a toad crawled out of Xing's sleeve. "This is Mortimer," he explained. "I picked a toad because my brother's afraid of them—"

Xing was interrupted by a great burst of applause from all around them. A new Gryffindor, a flaxen haired fat boy, ran up and chose the seat next to Sirius, falling into it and nearly knocking the long-haired boy out of his seat. Sirius barked with laughter. "Talk about a crash landing!" he said appreciatively.

"S-sorry, oh dear, I'm P-peter Pettigrew," the little boy stuttered. "Hello everyone!" He seemed a little twitchy as he looked around at his fellow housemates.

"Gryffindor! WHOOPEE!" shouted the boy with glasses from the train who'd been cruel to Severus, sliding in on the other side of Lily. "Oh, _you_," he said, looking at her with a mischievous grin. "Why aren't you over there in _Slytherin_? Just kidding! WELCOME!" he boomed, pounding his fist in the air and then slamming Sirius on the back. Sirius put him in a headlock and Peter squeaked with laughter. Lily reddened in the face. If Petunia hated boys like Severus, then Lily was horrified to think about what Tuney's opinion on this lot would be.

Rosie threw back her head and laughed. "House pride all ready, I love it! A better welcome than I could give—"

"I'm James Potter," greeted the loud boy, grinning. "Everyone in my family's been a Gryffindor, save for my mum's Slytherin cousin Pandora but you can't hold that against me!"

"Welcome, James," said Rosie, introducing herself. They immediately got into a discussion about Quidditch, which James seemed quite keen on.

Thinking of Severus, Lily glanced back to the sorting ceremony. He was still waiting, and they caught eyes. She gave him a shrug. Who knew? Maybe he'd get into Gryffindor, though that would probably make him upset. Severus got grouchy over the smallest of things sometimes, though Lily supposed this house stuff wasn't small at all. Severus would snap at her if she ever suggested that. This would be where they'd live, the people they'd spend the next seven years with. She took in the faces excitedly. A lanky boy named Frank Longbottom settled in next to Rosie, immediately writing a note to his mother about how he'd made it into Gryffindor. "She worries," was his explanation. A tall boy with shaggy hair and dark circles underneath his eyes sat across from Lily and introduced himself as Remus Lupin. He kept glancing around at everyone and then staring down at his hands, apparently nervous.

"Snape, Severus!" called out the woman professor who was leading the ceremony. Snape flapped forward in his too-big robes and sat, stooped over. The hat fell over his face. It wasn't very long before—"SLYTHERIN!"

Lily clapped for him, though a few people at the Gryffindor table jeered, including Potter. Lily gave him an angry look and he grinned again.

"House duties," he said lightly. "Have a bit of fun."

Dinner was fantastic, and Lily loved the Headmaster at once. He was an old and kind man with an eccentric sense of humor. She instantly felt at home in Gryffindor. The common room was cheery, painted red and adorned with many moving paintings and banners. She sat as far away as possible from James Potter and his little crew of boys, and instead got to know her dorm mates: Mary Macdonald, Muruvi Paradigm, and Scarlet Abbott. Mary was a black-haired Halfblood from Leeds who seemed at once to enjoy gossiping, as she asked the girls quietly if they knew whether Sirius Black was single. Muruvi was a Pureblood with a quiet way of speaking whose long dark hair flowed past her bottom. She was the first person in her family to be sorted into a house other than Slytherin and she was worried about how they would react. Scarlet had dark brown ringlets, big teeth, and bright blue eyes, and came from an old Pureblood family in Scotland. All of the girls encouraged Lily that being Muggle-born meant nothing about her magical ability. Even Muruvi said that her family was accepting of Muggle-borns and that it was old-fashioned not to be.

Around three AM, the girls realized that they needed to be up by nine for breakfast in the Great Hall, and that they should probably get to sleep. The fears Lily had expressed to Severus prior to coming here were quickly subsiding when she discovered how easy it was to get along with everyone at Hogwarts. She almost felt silly that she'd been so worried.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Severus was overjoyed to be able to hang out with Lily after their first class. She seemed to feel the same way, judging by the hug she gave him that nearly rendered him speechless. He patted her shoulder awkwardly and then broke away from her, his pale skin tinged with pink.<p>

"Severus! I've been thinking about you! It's all so exciting! I just had my first class- Transfigurations! It was so great! I'm worried I won't understand quickly enough, but I turned my quill into a matchstick on the third try, still, I think that was nerves…" She paused. "And the common room has fire places and a spiral staircase, and everything is so amazing! This morning, my bed made itself! My roommates all told me it's all right to be a Muggle-born! Just like you said! And everyone is very nice, it's so… it's exciting! How is Slytherin?"

It irritated Severus that Lily was having a better time than he was so far, but he was happy that she was so bubbly. Anyone else acting like this would drive him insane but he truly enjoyed seeing how thrilled she was. "It's… it's all right. My common room is in the dungeons. It's really far beneath the main school. My bed is really comfortable, but all my roommates talked all night. I think I'll like my house a great deal, but being around so many people is hard to get used to."

Lily nodded empathetically. Nothing would spoil her good spirits, not even Severus' negativity. "I'm sure everything will get better. How are they? Your housemates?"

"The Slytherin Prefect Malfoy went on and on about his money for hours last night. Hardly anyone else can get a word in edgewise in the common room. Finally, this other prefect, Andromeda, asked him to please shut up. She was very polite about it. " He wore a hint of a smile but quickly frowned.

Lily giggled. "That sounds awful, Sev! Everyone in my house is fairly easy to get along with, save for those stupid boys in our year we met on the train."

"Well, it's fine," Severus huffed. "I'd rather have more time to spend on my homework than getting into stupid conversations with people I don't like."

"There's no one okay in Slytherin?" Lily raised her eyebrows at him.

He finally gave in. "Oh, yes, they're _okay _but some of them are kind of cracked. I had History of Magic this morning, which was all right. I think my hand is cramped from all the notes… " Snape trailed off, staring behind Lily's head where the two boys from the train were approaching. Severus had not been looking forward to interacting any more with them. He set his jaw and looked at the ground. Lily turned behind her to see what was wrong.

"Oy! Evans! EVANS!" called Sirius.

Lily rolled her eyes, immediately crossing her arms over her chest, the telltale sign she was annoyed beyond belief. "What?"

"Didn't you know it's a Hogwarts rule that you can't talk to people of other houses during break?" cried out James Potter. Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew followed behind the other two. Snape already had low expectations for Pettigrew. He'd had to instruct him on how to open the loo stall that morning after breakfast.

Lily suddenly got concerned, looking from Severus to James. "That's not true, is it, Sev? Are we going to get into trouble?"

"NO, it's not true," Snape snarled. "Stop trying to fool her!"

"Relax, mate, just having a bit of fun!" said Sirius boorishly.

"I'm not your mate, and I think it's rude of you to mess with Lily, just 'cause she's—" Snape stopped talking for a second, trying to find a better way of putting things. He wasn't keen on letting Lily know how wizards regarded Muggle-borns—it might break her spirit. Someone else could do it. "Anyway," he said gawkily," just quit it."

"Who asked you, Snivellus?" James snapped, his cheeks flushed, evidently irritated that neither Severus nor Lily found him amusing. "Honestly, don't you ever stop whining?"

"I _don't _whine!" Severus bellowed, his hands balled into fists at his sides. "You're just being—you're being—"

"_You're b-b-being, you're b-b-being," _mocked Sirius. James dissolved into laughter.

Lily frowned deeply. "Keep away from us," she said. "We didn't ask for you to come over here and act so rude!"

"Ooh," James said. "We're _rude._ Nice insult, Evans._" _

"Get out of here," Lily spat.

"You're definitely losing cool points," said Sirius. "Why are you even hanging out with that Snivelrin?" He broke out laughing, causing his mates to do so as well. "I tried to say Snivellus and Slytherin at the same time!"

"We're best friends," said Lily hotly, not amused. "We've been friends for two years and we're not going to stop because some silly boys want us to! COME ON, Severus!" With that, she pulled Snape away by his robes and they charged off across the walkway. Behind them, Sirius and James were making catcalls.

"Ugh!" Lily exclaimed, as they descended deeper into the courtyard. "I don't know what makes them think—"

"It's not your fault," Severus said quickly, embarrassed that yet again he'd been insulted in front of her. It really wasn't fair. "I'm sorrier for you having to put up with them more than I will!"

"Not if I can help it," Lily said, and they walked toward the lake, continuing their chat about Hogwarts.

* * *

><p>"I asked my mother and father about your family," Lucius said to Severus a month into first term in the Great Hall over breakfast.<p>

Severus stopped looking at the Gryffindor table, where James Potter was bewitching Sirius Black to make milk come out of his nose. "Oh," he said, instantly worried Lucius was going to spread all sorts of rumors around. He'd also done some digging—the Malfoys were an old Pureblood wizarding family with tons of Galleons and a grand estate in Wiltshire who traced back to Slytherin himself. Lucius' father Abraxas was a regular fixture in _Warlock Times, _a business paper.

"My father was too old to even know the name," Lucius snorted, as though it was sinful to be over a certain age," but Mother said my aunt was in the same class as your mother. Eileen Prince? She said your mother was quiet. Keen. How young is your Mum anyway?"

"Dunno!" Severus said. It was true. He didn't know. She was an adult.

"Did she get pregnant with you while she was at Hogwarts?" Lucius asked.

"Who's pregnant?" piped in Rita Skeeter. Dolores Umbridge made a little gesture at Bellatrix who glowered and made a slicing motion in the air with her butter knife.

Snape was confused. "What? I don't- why?"

Lucius smirked and shrugged. "Do the math. Maybe your mother needs to tell you something over next break. It's only a guess, though. Don't look so disturbed. She graduated, didn't she? Wipe that weird look off your face." Before Severus could even think about it, Lucius went on. "Who's your father anyway? When did he go to Hogwarts? If he's older than mine, I'll die."

"I have to go to the bathroom," Severus said. "Goodbye!"

As usual, this prompted Lucius and the others in earshot to laugh as Snape's awkward way of communicating. He heard of his dorm mates explain loudly that his father was dead. It was better that way, having them do it. That way, everyone would think he was simply awkward because he was upset about his dad, not that he was socially spastic.

He stood in the toilet wondering if what Malfoy said was true. He wished that his housemates didn't have such big mouths. And what was he supposed to do? Write an owl? Right. Severus glared at his reflection. He wasn't sure if he _wanted _to know.

* * *

><p>"Double potions!" shouted Lily eagerly, waving her schedule. Severus nodded and beamed, forgetting he didn't like to show his crooked teeth. "Save me a seat, okay?" she said.<p>

"_Save me a seat!" _mocked Sirius in a high-pitched tone to James as they strutted past.

"_Of course, darling. I'll try not to get grease on it," _James said back. They linked arms and skipped away. But because they were staring behind them to gauge Severus' reaction, they skipped straight into Lucius Malfoy, who was patrolling the hallway.

Lucius wheeled around, his grey eyes slits. "Potter. Black. What in the hell are you doing?" he hissed, and one calculating glance told him everything. "I don't take kindly to those who harass my residents. I'll be seeing Professor McGonagall about you. Expect points to be taken."

For once, James and Sirius actually looked scared. They scampered away in the opposite direction. Lucius smiled at Severus in that patronizing way, and then marched off to tell off some Ravenclaw boys.

"He's taking points just for that?" Lily said. "Isn't that sort of unfair?"

But Severus did not care. From then on, he saw Lucius Malfoy as a sort of mentor, albeit an annoying one.

* * *

><p>"I got a letter!" Lily enthused, ripping open the envelope as Atticus nipped at the sleeve of her cloak. Mary stared over her shoulder. It was from her parents, sending their love and musing over the way Atticus had delivered a message from Lily. They were overjoyed she was having such a good time, they sent twenty pounds (which they must have forgotten was worthless to Lily during the school year but it was kind all the same), and they updated her that Petunia had gone out for sports in school and was doing well. Lily was sorry to see that this was the only information about Petunia. Her sister had not written any message. She hadn't even signed the letter.<p>

* * *

><p>Severus was walking toward the Slytherin common room after charms with his head buried in a book, when he realized that he was being taunted from behind.<p>

"Hey Snivelly! Where's your Prefect hero now?"

"We lost ten points for nothing! You little snitch!"

Snape turned back to see James, Sirius, and Peter trailing after him. Peter seemed to be there mostly to carry the others' bags, but he was laughing greatly.

"Look at his robes! They're so oversized, he's like a flapping bird—"

"A _bat_," Peter said triumphantly," he's like a big black bat!"

"Good one, Peter, you're right!" Sirius said.

"A great greasy bat," James added. "Hey Snivelly! I thought bats were nocturnal! You should probably go to bed!"

"Ha ha," said Severus dryly. "You're so hilarious."

"_Lassio," _Sirius said, pointing his wand at Snape's feet. At once, his laces tied together and he tripped over his too-big shoes, falling on his face. The boys behind him shouted with laughter, as did several others who were watching. Mortified, Severus realized that they were the boys from his dormitory—Vincent Mulciber and Samuel Avery.

"Brilliant," James complimented Sirius, "you'll have to teach me that one."

Severus had no idea what the counter curse was, so he simply pulled off his shoes and carried them with his books, running down the hallway.

* * *

><p>"Hello James," said Lily curtly, standing behind him at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. James nearly spat out his steak in surprise.<p>

"Hey Lily, all right? Peter, make room for Evans."

"Oh. That's okay. I was just coming to say that my friend told me what you did to him and I think you owe him an apology."

"Friend?" James thought for a second and then his brow furrowed. "Oh, Snivellus? It's only a laugh."

"I think you're mean," Lily said, "and you too, Sirius."

Sirius mockingly wiped a tear from his eye but then smiled in a friendly way. "Calm down, Evans and sit with us. What do you see in that Snape anyway?"

But Lily stayed rooted to the spot. "He taught me about magic and told me all about going to Hogwarts when I had no idea it existed. He told me I was normal—" (to this Sirius chortled "Hardly!") "and he's quite clever. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have known about Hogwarts until much later. He took a lot of time telling me all about it and answering my questions. His mum is a witch so he knew all of it all ready and we like to study and help each other-"

"Sounds like loads of fun," James said, but on the contrary he was looking sort of irritated. "_Now _can you sit?"

"Well… all right. But only if you all promise to be nice about Severus," said Lily cautiously. She knew that Snape would be outraged, so she only spoke directly to Remus the entire meal. He was all right, anyway though looking a little pale in the face. "You should get some rest," she told him cheerfully and he looked doubtful.

The boys' promise only lasted throughout that evening, for the next day was double Potions and they spent the entire class hooting about the way Snape held his quill ("like he's going to break it!"), the amount of notes he took ("Is he writing a novel? Bloody show-off!"), the size of his nose ("Gigantic!"), and his "weird shirt" that was visible when he leant over his chemistry set. Lily was nearly shaking with rage and refused to look at them or speak to them, so they began to mock her haughty expressions ("I think her knickers are too tight!"), the way she and Snape bantered agreeably ("Wacky, the two of them!") , and her bright red hair ("Oy! Evans! I think you've got something on your head!"). Luckily, Professor Slughorn, the head of Slytherin house, was a jolly buffer between the two camps. He took time to shake each student's hand and was quite good at remembering their names, even better at recognizing if they had talent.

For their first assignment, they set off to brew up a cure for dandruff that was supposed to smell like mint and glow white when properly mixed. Severus waited for Lily to be distracted, and while James was talking to a Gryffindor named Frank Longbottom, he dropped an extra handful of stinging nettles into the boy's cauldron. As his own potion bubbled up, smelling fresh, James' exploded into a stinking cloud of smog.

"Ho ho ho!" Slughorn chuckled. "So glad I didn't put that on my head! Not that I'd need to, of course! Careful there, er—Potter, wasn't it? Snape, yours is looking quite fit, quite fit."

James caught Severus sneering, but said nothing.

* * *

><p>"All good marks so far!" cried Lily, skipping over to Severus and joining him at their usual meeting place in the library, the good couches near the books on Alchemy.<p>

"What'd you think?" Severus said, a little smile on his face. "Of course you got good marks, they'd be mad not to give you a good grade." He held out his own winter term report, where he also had almost all Outstandings, save for a Meets Expectations in broom flying. "I never really cared for it much, anyway," he said disdainfully," I can get around okay."

Lily didn't react much to his negative comment for she was still beaming over her excellent grades. "I'm just so happy," she said, grabbing his hand. He instantly reddened and his shoulders gave a little jolt. She released his hand, sensing his discomfort. "All right, I've brought Slughorn's prompt for our winter final. Let's get going on it, shall we?" Severus nodded slowly, his face still red. He wasn't used to being touched in this way, and every time Lily hugged him, squeezed his hand or poked him, he felt warm and a bit lightheaded. But Lily's family hugged all the time; Severus had seen them. He figured he could get used to it, as funny as it felt.

"Hello Lily!" greeted Remus, the quiet friend of Sirius and James who always had dark circles under his eyes. "Hi Sni—" he caught himself. "Snape." Giving a little wave, he sat down across from them in an armchair. "How did you do on your grades, Lily?"

She smiled. "Really well! Did you? You can't gotten any bad marks—you're always studying-"

Remus shrugged. "I did fine, I think, though grades make me nervous. I really need to work on Potions. I don't really get it naturally, like you two seem to do."

Lily looked over at Severus, who was sitting in silence. "Well… you could always study with us! That's okay, right Severus?"

He was gritting his teeth, not sure why he was so annoyed. Lupin seemed all right, despite keeping terrible company. But Snape found himself suddenly judging the boy. Was he really as nice as he acted? What if behind Severus' back, he was making fun just like the others were? He probably was, Severus decided. And he didn't like the way Lily had praised Remus for studying all the time- _Severus _studied all the time, but she'd never praised _him_ for it. Severus did not know why he was thinking all of these things, so he merely shrugged that it was okay, though the glower on his face said otherwise.

Remus Lupin studied with them a few times over the course of the year before he stopped. Whether this was because he sensed tension from Snape, or he just didn't want to meet with them anymore Severus never knew but he was secretly glad.

* * *

><p>"What are you looking at?" snapped Bellatrix, who was smashing ornaments from the Slytherin house Christmas tree in the common room by tossing them up in the air and hexing them.<p>

Snape wondered why it wasn't obvious but merely shrugged and kept reading, knowing that Bellatrix was a time bomb he did not want to tempt.

"Snape," she began, "Isn't that little Gryffindor witch you're always hurrying to hang out with a _Mudblood?" _She drew out the last word like she was writing on a blackboard with chalk.

He grimaced, although he had expected someone would find out sooner or later. Several people turned to look. Lucius watched, sneering, from the best armchair by the fire. Snape searched his mind for a viable excuse. If there was one thing that would distance him any more from his peers, this was it. Being a halfblood was bad enough but at least Snape had sense enough to know that Muggles and Muggle-borns were lesser human beings. He'd seen enough from his father and the people in town. Lily was different, but her hoity, distrustful sister and snobby awestruck parents were ordinary as the others he'd seen. Severus spoke quietly. "Yes… but she didn't tell me she was when we first met. When we became friends I had the impression that she was—" he struggled for the right words—"like us." It was a lie, but a necessary one. "I've tried to shake her, but I can't."

Bellatrix looked at him as though she thought it sounded a little fishy. "Well, if you need any help _shaking her_…" she said darkly.

"Now, now," Lucius said with a smile that reminded Snape distinctly of a hungry crocodile. "Let's not talk that way, shall we? Hate speech among students is not allowed—that's straight from Headmaster _Dumbledore_."

"Oh right. Sorry," said Bellatrix, to the amusement of the others in the room. She eyed Snape skeptically but said nothing more.

Later, Lucius took Severus aside. "Bellatrix is right, you know? It's a bit strange you're so connected to a dirty blood like her. It may start making you look bad." He gave Severus a look that clearly said, _And you don't need any more help in that area._

"I—" Snape protested and then fell silent for a moment. Beyond all things, Severus did not want to "look bad" and lose any chance of ever being at least a little well-regarded in Slytherin. He needed Lucius as his ally; that much was obvious. Lucius made fun of everyone, not only Snape, and he often sought out Potter and Black to take points away from them. And although several Slytherins were picking up on the nickname "Snivellus", Lucius refused to use it, saying in his hoity voice that he "preferred to use people's proper names". "I really didn't know!" Severus cried out defensively, and he suddenly felt very upset.

A strange sort of expression took hold of Lucius' normally cool gaze, and he patted Severus on the shoulder tentatively as though touching a small animal rather than an eleven year old child. "I don't know what the story is, Severus, but I really must discourage it. Sure, some of us make errors in judgment, but it's not something that Salazar Slytherin would readily forgive. Next you'll be having house elves down for tea," Lucius said with a smirk.

Severus did not laugh. "It's just—when I go back for holidays, she'll be the only witch I know, save for my Mum. The rest of the people in town, they're Muggles—I don't get along with non-magic people, I don't like them and, it's just—I thought she was a Pureblood, so—"

"A Mudblood is hardly anything more than a Muggle, Severus. You'll come to find that your little friend is just about as magical as a doorknob. She got lucky, that's all. Lucky that she was allowed into Hogwarts, lucky that she was gifted with—" he sneered contemptuously—" whatever mediocre talent for magic she so accidentally possesses."

Severus was torn. He wanted Lucius and the other purebloods to accept him into their crowd, but he couldn't stand hearing Lily bashed like that when he knew she was such a great student. Severus thought about what to say. He wondered if he should just outright defend Lily, but that might make him into Lucius' mortal enemy, being that no matter what the issue, the prefect always wanted to be right. He thought about saying nothing, and simply meeting with Lily anyway. But before he could really decide, he spoke: "She and I really aren't that close. It's more like she depends on me for answers and stuff." His pale face tinged with pink.

Lucius nodded. "They tend to act like that," he said. "Tripping over themselves trying desperately to make up for what they obviously lack." His nostrils flared as though smelling something rank. "You'd do yourself well to put that girl in her place, Severus. But I can understand if you want to have some fun with her in the meantime. Personally, I always tell the Mudbloods I meet first off that there's a seventh year course of study in which Muggle-borns are used as curse practice. If they don't drop out before then, they certainly live in fear for a few years." Lucius winked.

Severus excused himself to go work on Charms, but back in his room he simply stared at the ceiling until he fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

><p>Lily read along in her <em>1,000 Magical Herbs and Fungi <em>guide, taking notes in her Potions handbook. "I think we should take the advice here, and gnash these pellets instead of cutting them, don't you? Severus—don't you?" She nudged Snape, who had been pointing his wand behind them at Sirius and James' work station. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Snape went a little pale and turned around. "Nothing," he said. But a nasty spark shot out of James' cauldron like a firework—it snapped in mid-air, making quite a few students scream.

"YOU!" shouted James, pointing at Severus. "I ought to melt your ancient cauldron to the ground, Snivellus!"

"I didn't do anything," sulked Snape, balling his hands into fists. Slughorn intervened, doing a charm to clean up the mess.

"Just because you're all careful-like to look like teacher's pet doesn't mean we don't know it's you!" James continued, obviously upset.

"Is this true, Snape?" Slughorn asked nervously. He hated conflict, particularly when the students he felt were promising got involved. He clearly wanted Snape to be in the right. "You know, in Slytherin, though competition is one of our favorite pastimes, cheating is heavily discouraged."

"I wouldn't cheat," Severus retorted instantly. "I _wouldn't. _Ask Potter to prove it!"

"Prove it?" James yelled. "PROVE it? You're always snaking around, it's obvious you've been messing with my work nearly every day!"

"Prove it," repeated Severus, curling his lip. James opened his mouth and then shut it.

Slughorn seemed satisfied.

"Severus," Lily whispered in his ear, "did you really do that? You can tell me." It wouldn't be the first time Severus had done something spiteful. She had sworn he'd made Petunia's favorite sweater shrink, though he denied it. Once he'd made a branch fall that cracked Petunia on the shoulder. He told her how he used to will pebbles to hit the neighborhood kids on the face. And nearly every Potions class, something happened odd happened at James and Sirius' station, either making them late for the deadline or failing them. She wasn't sure though because James didn't really study, preferring to hound Rosie Bagman about when he could get on the team, shadowing her at every Quidditch practice and meet.

As usual, Severus shook his head, stooping over to write a note in his own Potions handbook.

"Good, because if you did I'd be really upset," Lily said, studying him. He finished his notes, an ink mark clearly visible where he'd paused to listen to her warning.

"People keep asking me why we hang out," said Lily, looking up from a study sheet she and Severus had made. "Honestly, can't wizards make friends with different types of people?"

Severus wanted to explain that lineage, the history of Gryffindor and Slytherin, and magical background was very important but he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Instead, he merely shrugged.

"When people ask me, I say it's because you're smart and we get along great. Do you get asked?"

"Sometimes," said Snape slowly, thinking of Lucius and Bellatrix.

"What do you say?" asked Lily.

"I say the same thing as you do," Snape said. "That you're smart and we're good mates." He hoped Lily couldn't read his guilty facial expression.


	3. There Be Things That My Posse Can Do

AN: The set up is making this story go a bit slower than I would like. It's still first year, but it will pick up with chapter four. Severus begins to acknowledge his developing sexuality, and Lily discovers a cruel reality about the wizarding world… And… I know J.K. Rowling probably would say that Severus wanted to be Lucius Malfoy's friend only to win over Pureblood friends and learn more dark arts stuff. But Severus and Lucius are teenage boys both interested in women and so I beg to differ…

* * *

><p>Chapter Three: There Be Things That My Posse Can Do<p>

_December of first year to summer before second year_

* * *

><p><em>She can flip her hair. <em>

_I can flip you off. _

_You've got talent. But, baby, _

_I'm thinking_

_that's not enough._

-Tori Amos

* * *

><p>It was three days away from Christmas holiday and Hogwarts was bursting with the energy of a thousand students who were ready to go back home for a bit of rest and relaxation, with the exception of a few. Severus Snape, Lily Evans, and Sirius Black were the most vocal about their annoyance at having to return back home for the holiday. Severus had sent his mum post about his being picked for Slytherin house, and how he'd been doing in classes, but he'd never heard back. The only reason he was going back to Spinner's End was because he knew Lily would be there, and the promise of having Lily to himself for a full two weeks was incentive enough to go home.<p>

Lily was apprehensive about seeing Petunia. She'd written Tuney several letters since the start of term, and had never heard back. In addition, her parents were throwing a big Christmas Eve party for all of their London friends, and Lily knew she'd have to make up enough lies to satisfy all of the crowd into thinking she'd been at a normal boarding school instead of Hogwarts. Sirius wouldn't say much about his negative attitude toward going home, but Lily and Severus weren't too interested in what he thought, anyway.

It seemed like there was a lot to do and very little time to do it in. Both Lily and Severus found their dorm mates lack of apprehension for the winter finals to be completely "ridiculous". Avery, Middleton, and Mulciber spent their time complaining about the professors instead of actually doing the homework for class, while Severus poured over every book and paper. The boys would bash McGonagall or Flitwick for an hour and a half and then asked Severus for help on their essays at the last minute.

The Slytherin common room had been, to Severus' dismay, full of raucous parties led by Bellatrix that ended with older students touching each other's bottoms and cursing each other drunkenly, while Rita took photos that she used as blackmail. Severus had attended once and had deeply regretted it. No matter how amusing it was to see Lucius putting the moves on multiple girls and then making fun of them loudly, or Parkinson getting a third ear, it wasn't worth it. Severus abhorred the thought of drinking alcohol and had vowed to never touch it. Ever. Not to mention the nickname "Snivellus" was spreading throughout houses like wildfire and even the students in his year were throwing it around whenever they thought he was being particularly ornery or bossy. Severus spent a good chunk of study time up in his dorm room alone, trying desperately to find a spell that would muffle the sounds around him so that he could better do his homework, but he couldn't locate one. Finally he found a spell that would stuff his ears full of earwax, which worked to deaden the noise but was a real bother to get out later. Severus sought to make his own muffling-sound spell but was unable to think much about that, given all the work. He'd been using his book of curses and counter curses to try and perfect spells on his own, and after reading about the merits of having your own curses, had even invented one simple spell—the _Langlock _curse_. _The point of the curse was to stick the recipient's tongue to the roof of their mouth. He got the idea one evening when Lucius Malfoy kept talking on and on about a particularly good date he'd had that night with some buxom Ravenclaw girl while Severus was facing the other way, attempting to read his History of Magic notes. Severus wouldn't dare practice it on a Prefect (though it _did _take drastic measures to shut Lucius Malfoy up most of the time), but once he used it on himself, and it worked. He figured it would come in handy with Potter, who was becoming worse and worse daily. Severus was hoping to be top in every subject, and nothing else was really too important at the moment. Although he was quite jealous of how much time Lily was spending with the girls she lived with. He thought Lily should at least have the sense to study more often. That was all.

Of course, Severus wasn't studying _all _the time. He'd discovered a new hobby that involved imagining the sorts of things that Bellatrix Black did when she was with blokes. This was no creative exercise—he'd seen enough in the common room to put the ideas in his mind. It seemed like every night, she was at work snogging different boys as soon as the other Slytherins went to bed. Severus would watch them over his schoolbooks, pretending to be reading.

Once, he was hidden so well in the biggest armchair that Lucius and Bellatrix did not even notice he was there. Afraid he'd be heard, Severus refrained from turning the pages of his book. He even stopped breathing. Lucius whispered something in Bellatrix's ear, scanned the room and then slipped his hand into her robes, thrusting his hand out and in. Bellatrix bit her lip and moaned, her black ringlets bouncing as she leaned backward on the green dragon leather couch. She wrapped her legs around Lucius' back, and he kissed her neck. There was a deep ache of longing in Severus as he watched this, mixed with something else—perhaps something depraved, like the time at age five or six when he had heard his parents in what was, at the time, their bedroom, alternating between moaning and screaming at each other. Severus watched intently, as Lucius continued to thrust his hand inside her robes and massaged her breast with the other hand. Severus' ears went red, but he could not look away. Bellatrix moaned and then grabbed Lucius' hand, pushed him off of her and bit his mouth, said something to him in a quiet but demanding voice, and they walked off to the dorm rooms, laughing together like they'd just exchanged a secret joke. Severus sunk low into the armchair, his insides feeling like they were on fire, and with one hand he touched the front of his groin through his robes. It was not the first time, but it was different, he knew that whatever Lucius had done to Bellatrix was what he wanted to do… He began to imagine what kind of things Bellatrix got up to once she and Lucius went down to her room, and that kept him almost as busy as studying did. Severus decided that Lucius was actually pretty cool, despite his rambling and bragging.

Lily, also leaps and bounds ahead on her class work, was finding her house to be a really fun place to be before the holidays. There were parties too, with kegs of Butterbeer and lots of off key singing, but Rosie the Head Girl made all of the first years go to bed before things got "too silly" (in her own words). James and Sirius kept trying to infiltrate the parties, but even they were trying hard to catch up in schoolwork. Lily and her dorm mates spent time outside of classes building snowmen, challenging the Gryffindor boys to snowball fights and quizzing each other on homework questions. There wasn't much time to see Severus, as Lily was busy with her own housemates. She felt a little guilty, since she knew that he was still struggling to make friends in Slytherin, but he always said he'd rather be alone anyway. Professor Slughorn was particularly impressed with Lily's final potion assignment. The students were told to brew a potion that could possibly be used in the hospital wing, if it was brewed accurately enough. Lily's was one for acne and Slughorn told her the very next day that it had cured away the first layer of Hufflepuff fifth year Armando Midgen's spotty pimples.

With a merry wink, Slughorn assured Lily that she would certainly be getting top marks from him. Slughhorn, with his happy nature and appreciation for hard work, was quickly becoming Lily's favorite professor. She spent a lot of her time telling Sirius and James to bugger off when they asked her for help in Potions. "Come on Evans!" Potter would say. "It's partly your fault I'm failing. Your kind friend Snivellus is the reason I got such low marks on our last exam, and old Slughorn's not quite the fairest person, is he? Go figure that he'd be head of Slytherin house! They're all in it together!" But Lily would not assist them. She liked that she was a better student than them, and saw no reason to help them to become better until they stopped being so stupid. The only people she helped were her roommates, and only because they honestly cared about working hard. They weren't lazy or idiotic like a lot of the other students in first year. Lily had a difficult time tolerating laziness. Only a few more exams to go, and it would be break…

* * *

><p>"Hi Sirius!" called out Mary, waving with her entire arm raised up in the air like she was declaring war and swinging England's flag around madly. Lily followed her out of the library and cringed. Lately, all Mary had been talking about was who was flirting with whom. Lily quickly realized that study sessions with Mary, especially for the important holiday exams, were worthless.<p>

Sirius grinned and gave a nod, James pushed him over, Peter pushed James, and they all began punching each other. Remus, engrossed in a book, walked around them and continued on down the hallway.

Lily seethed with annoyance. "I don't know _how _you can speak to him, Mary. No offense, but they're all really terrible. So immature. Save for Remus. He's a bit quiet but at least he's smart."

"Oh Lily, come on…" Mary paused to flash a grin back at Sirius, who was now on the floor being tackled by James as Peter howled with laughter. "He's so cute, though! I really want to ask him out, but I'm afraid he's too experienced." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "_Adriana _said he's all ready kissed two girls—"

Despite herself, Lily blushed. "That's ridiculous," she said. "We're only eleven." She realized she sounded like Petunia, who had made a habit in London of busting kids on the playground holding hands. Petunia would never allow Lily to hang out with a girl who was fixated on asking boys out—after all, Mother had taught Lily and Petunia that this was quite unladylike. "If you asked him out, what could you even do? Walk around the halls?" She forced her voice to sound confident and loud, for fear of otherwise sounding babyish.

"We could sneak into the Forbidden Forest and _snog_… He's _so_ dreamy," warbled Mary, ignoring Lily's snappish tone.

Lily was about to comment snarkily on what a grand idea _that _would be when Muruvi and Scarlet fell in beside them, linking arms. Those two had become closer and closer over the course of the school year; they were practically at Best Friend Forever status by this time (which left Lily with Mary), and even the once-shy Muruvi was actually opening up. Scarlet was quite funny, and kept the girls entertained at night with her pig-nose charm. "What are you talking about?" Scarlet asked. "Who's dreamy?"

"_Sirius Black," _sighed Mary, pressing her hand to her heart. The other girls giggled. Lily couldn't relate to Mary's awestruck attitude about boys. In fact, she found Mary to be a bit experienced herself, at least in the way she boldly spoke about dating, snogging and carrying on with boys. The only boy Lily had spent extensive time with was Severus, and he was about as opposite Sirius Black as you could get. Not that it was a bad thing. Lily found Sirius to be overly charismatic and cool, always at it for a laugh, and Potter wasn't much better. In fact, Potter was worse. He had none of Black's charm and was even more big-headed than the former. In the common room, Potter went on and on about the expensive racing broom he had at home, and what a shame it was that he couldn't bring it to Hogwarts. He was opinionated and argumentative, always willing to debate those around him or call people out on things he felt were unfair, such as Professor McGonagall's homework load, or Slughorn's praises for Lily and Severus. Of course, there were times when he did do funny things, but in Lily's opinion his reputation overshadowed these moments. Lily realized she had been drifting in her own thoughts, and she snapped out of them to find that the subject had not changed.

"Evan Rosier said that Jasmeet Patil says that Sirius Black is a good kisser. But she didn't kiss him—Rosmerta Devany kissed him, and she told Adriana to tell Colleen Stamppipe to tell Jasmeet that Sirius was really good," Muruvi explained. Given her pureblood family name and composed nature, Muruvi had managed to keep fairly good relationships with some of the Slytherins in their year and thus was a sort of ambassador of gossip between the two houses for all the girls. So far, Muruvi was the only one out of Lily's three dorm mates who could tolerate Severus.

"When did they kiss?" demanded Lily, irritated. She was very aware that her face was reddening more and more by the second.

"I heard it was after the Halloween feast," Scarlet put in. "Potter dared him to do it."

"What stupid thing has Potter done now?" asked a morose little voice behind them. Lily flushed even deeper at the sound of the familiar voice, and sure enough it was Severus, his arms stacked high with books, hurrying to catch up with the gaggle of girls.

Muruvi turned as rosy as Lily, while Scarlet and Mary screamed with laughter.

"_Hello, _Severus," greeted Mary with a huge grin. Scarlet couldn't stop laughing. Muruvi gave a little wave. Lily grimaced. Severus was her friend, her _bloke _friend—she did not want for him to see her conversing this way with her mischievous lot of girlfriends, even if she _was _being sensible. There was something embarrassing about having Severus, _a boy, _walk into a conversation all about the things that Lily's friends wanted to do with males. Not to mention Mary and Scarlet found Severus to be just as laughable as James and Sirius did. Lily had to endlessly explain to them why they shouldn't call him "Snivellus", and they did not understand what would make Lily want to be his friend.

Severus did not look amused. He stared around at all of them and scowled, readjusting his books in his arms. "What? What's he done?" His gaze darkened. "Is it something about me? What did he say about me?" He looked directly at Lily, desperately. "What's he daring someone to do to me?"

Mary couldn't help herself—she burst anew into laughter. "_No!" _she wailed, "it most certainly is _not _about you_—_unless you've snogged Sirius Black, too!"

"What?" Severus said shortly. "I wouldn't—I—_what?" _ He looked at Lily again, sheer horror painted on his thin face, no doubt thinking he was the center of another rumor. The girls dissolved into mean laughter. He looked so disturbed that Lily would have laughed too, except it was all very mortifying.

"Potter dared Black to snog Rosmerta Devany, and Black did it. Or so Mary says," put in Lily quickly, staring at Mary, who twittered and nodded. "Isn't that stupid? I was just telling them how stupid it sounds to me."

But Severus had an unclear expression on his face that Lily could not read. "Are they going out?" he asked. Lily's mouth dropped open.

"Not yet," explained Muruvi instantly, coming forward with a serious look on her face as though she were the translator for anyone in Slytherin house," because Starla said that Sirius also likes Margatina Slipfoot, but she's all ready going with Flaversham Flint. Sirius knows Margatina from _before _school, but —"

Severus sneered. "I figured she and Flint were together. Always holding hands. Yuck! Margatina wouldn't want to see Black, anyway. She's friends with Narcissa, too. And Bellatrix. They think he's a prat. You should know, Paradigm. Sirius Black is seen for what he is in Slytherin—"

"Amazing?" giggled Mary. Lily elbowed her, knowing that this could get dangerous. Severus deplored when people did not take him seriously, which was a fact many of their peers knew—a fact that too many of them had started rudely exploiting.

"An idiot! And besides…" he lowered his voice. "She's a _second _year."

Mary beamed. "So I have a chance!" she squealed.

"Not necessarily," Severus said darkly, picking something out of his hair. Mary glared at him and he glared back, just as dangerously. Lily rolled her eyes. They really didn't get on well, those two. "I mean, if you like that sort of thing, go ahead… Don't know why you would, though."

"Why, because you're a better choice, Snape?" Mary hooted. "Like anyone's kissing you!"

Peeves the Poltergeist, who had been zooming by, paused to bounce in midair and cackle at Snape, making kissy noises.

Severus' wan face went red. "Shut up," he snarled, looking to Lily briefly for support," no one's kissing you either, MacDonald, probably because your fat mouth would get in the way!" He balled his fists.

Peeves blew a raspberry and hooted with nasty laughter.

Mary glowered. "Get away, Peeves." She pointed at Snape. "No one wants to be your friend. And NO ONE wants to kiss you, Snivellus! NO ONE!"

Even Peeves understood the seriousness of her tone, and so he zoomed off to bother Professor Flitwick.

Lily's eyes flashed. "His name is SEVERUS! I'm not kissing anyone either, Mary! We're only first years and some of us aren't obsessed with those things! And just because Severus isn't kissing anyone—"

"You are by far the ugliest boy in our year," Mary interrupted, clearly uninterested in any of Lily's defending statements. "I mean, your robes are shabby, your hair is always slimy looking, and you smell like—"

But they did not get to hear what Mary MacDonald thought Severus smelled like, because Snape pulled out his wand, yelled out, _"Langlock!_" And an amazing thing happened: wordy Mary stopped talking. In fact, she started choking and swallowing fervently, as though parched and gulping for air.

"Big mouth," Severus said, his black eyes narrowed.

"Oo doopid doy!" Mary said, as though her mouth was full of peanut butter. "Tad id ot! Tad id ot!"

The girls started murmuring amongst themselves. Scarlet spoke first. "What have you done to her?"

Matter-of-factly, Severus shrugged. "I stuck her tongue to the roof of her mouth. Though it seems I need to perfect my spell, she's not supposed to be able to keep talking, must be a bit loose-"

Lily couldn't help herself. She laughed. And laughed. Scarlet shoved her, and Muruvi "shushed" her, but it did no good—the sight of Mary unable to keep blathering on was extremely hilarious.

Mary's eyes widened. "TAD ID OT!" she bellowed, waving her arms.

"ALL RIGHT!" shouted Severus, as though it was a great nuisance that someone should want you to unstick their tongue from the roof of their mouth. He muttered a counter curse and then walked away, bobbing along with his enormous stack of books, though looking quite more formidable than he did when he arrived.

"You really shouldn't have said those things," Lily said to Mary, shrugging," Severus knows loads more curses than you ever will! Besides, you haven't kissed anyone yet either. So don't act so big." Mary opened her mouth to say something, but Lily jogged after Severus. After all, Mary was a dunderhead for blabbering on and on like she always did, and Lily was getting quite tired of it. "Lily!" called Muruvi, but Lily did not turn back.

"Severus!" she cried, and when they were halfway to the Great Hall he finally whipped around, looking irritated.

"Don't lecture me. That lot's got mush for brains," he said.

"I don't want to lecture you! They're not so bad-I mean, Mary is annoying a lot of the time but that's not what I wanted to say, I wanted to say—" she paused to catch her breath. "Brilliant spell, where did you get it?"

Severus' expression changed instantly from annoyance to discomfiture. He gave a small smile, shuffled his feet and muttered, "You liked it?"

Lily found this to be a very odd reaction. It was as though he'd picked out the perfect gift for her rather than cursing one of her friends. "For sure. It was a little mean but also quite practical," she nodded. "Where did you learn it, then?"

He looked to be quietly debating something and then replied that he'd gotten it from a book his mother had bought for him. "Like I said, it's supposed to completely silence the person. When I—well, it's meant for times when you don't want to hear what the other person has to say, or if they're lying and there's no other way to make them stop."

Lily smiled. "Neat!" she said. Severus beamed. They walked down the hallway together, making fun of Mary's face all the way to Herbology class.

* * *

><p>Severus' skinny body was shaking with rage inside his robes. Professor McGonagall had just returned everyone's final exams, with comments and corrections. He had gotten an Outstanding, which was all well and good, but McGonagall had urged him work harder on his technique—not to mention she'd called his grasp of the spells they had learned so far "ordinary", and had written that given his work ethic, she expected great improvement from him. <em>"I look forward to seeing you develop your talents," <em>she had written. But James Potter was sitting in the front row, his feet up on his desk reading his comments aloud, and McGonagall had apparently given _him _an Outstanding as well, not to mention she had praised his efforts highly, naming him the best transfigurator in the class! James Potter! So what if he could turn sickles into mice on the first try! So what if that was impressive for a first year! Severus knew for a fact he never studied. It just wasn't fair! He hated Potter—he hated Potter so much he wanted to set his exam on fire or turn it into sludge, and then McGonagall would see who was best! It was only because Potter was a Gryffindor, thought Snape angrily. Immediately, he mentally pushed McGonagall down from her place at the top of his favorite professors list. He decided she was the worst teacher ever.

* * *

><p>Lily was on her way to Charms from the Great Hall, eager for her test results and ready at last for a good, long vacation. She walked swiftly down the corridor, and to the stairway. "Hello there," purred a lazy, deep voice. It was Lucius Malfoy, his long blonde hair pulled back from his face, his lip twitching into a friendly smile.<p>

"Hello," Lily said, a bit apprehensively. Malfoy took his Prefect duties so seriously that he was known to report anyone who so much as coughed the wrong way.

"You're… er… Evans, right?" Malfoy inquired, standing firmly in place between Lily and the stairs. His voice was strangely warm as he annunciated every syllable.

"Yes," Lily said.

"Malfoy," he replied," Lucius Malfoy. Not that you would know my family's name or its importance." He held out a hand to shake hers. His fingers were long and white, adorned with a few silver rings.

She slowly put out her hand to shake his.

As though her hand was covered in puss, Lucius quickly jerked his hand away and stepped back. "I almost forgot!" he said loudly. "You're a Mudblood! I'm sorry, but I really can't have any of your germs on me—"

Lily had a horrid feeling inside, although she did not know what Malfoy meant by "Mudblood". It was like when Severus called Tuney a "Muggle" the first time they had met. It sounded like a dirty grownup word that Lily was not supposed to know. "I'm what?" she asked, a waver in her voice.

"No one's told you?" he said, gasping mockingly, his eyes twinkling. "Well, then, I suppose I'll have to deliver the unhappy news. You are a Mudblood. It's what we real wizards call someone from a Muggle background. It means you're second best. It means your magical blood runs dirty and faint in your veins. It means you're a big joke."

Lily took a step backward, but stared into Malfoy's piercing grey gaze, not wanting to admit defeat. "But I'm _not _a big joke," she said firmly. "I'm magical—I'm getting high marks in everything, you can ask anyone in my class—"

"You may be magical, but you'll never amount to a real witch. Your people, _Muggles," _he clarified disdainfully, taking a step forward, "were the reason my people had to go into hiding. Muggles tortured my ancestors, tortured innocent wizards and witches… Muggles are the reason why our world is hidden, why we have to be so secretive about our talents. Your family was part of the problem, Evans."

Lily stepped back again, still staring at Lucius. "Yes, we learned that from Professor Binns. It's dreadful but it was a long time ago—"

"Professor Binns?" Lucius laughed, an intrusive, harsh sound. "Wizarding families learn about it when they discover how their ancestors were persecuted—hanged, staked, chopped into pieces." His face suddenly became very solemn. "You're a Mudblood, Evans. You're a mistake in this world. And the high marks you're getting in everything, as you so proudly put it, are probably a result of badgering actual Purebloods for answers. You do, I believe, spend a great deal of time hounding Severus Snape for homework help?" Lucius was just centimeters from Lily now—she could smell his cologne, she could have reached out and touched his face.

Lily's face contorted into confusion and dislike, her heart pounding. "What do you mean? Purebloods? Severus and I are friends! We—"

"Malfoy!" called out Andromeda Black, "Dumbledore's just called a Prefect meeting in the Great Hall, and I've been looking for you everywhere." She rolled her eyes, as though having to locate Lucius was something that happened daily.

"Run along to class now, Evans, or like I said, I'm going to have to write you up for loitering in the hallway," said Lucius smoothly, and walked past her.

Tears burned in Lily's eyes, though she was still unsure of why Lucius was acting so cruel toward her. She headed off to Charms, the spring gone from her step. She didn't even smile when she learned she'd gotten yet another Outstanding.

* * *

><p>Christmas break was off to a rocky start when Severus got off the train to find Mum there all ready, scowling and checking her watch. "You said you left Hogwarts at ten this morning?" was her cold greeting, tugging her black sweater over her long skirt.<p>

Severus mouthed a goodbye to Lily, who made a sympathetic face at him. He ran up to his mother and nodded. "We did," he replied, feeling like he hadn't seen her in years rather than months. She apparently did not feel the same, being that she hardly looked at him.

"I don't remember it ever taking that long. Well, you're here now. Let's be off to catch the bus. Your father will want to see you before he goes to work." She rushed along ahead of him and went through the wall, Severus following.

His heart sunk into his chest, envisioning his father at home every day of break. "He has a job?"

Mum shot him a nasty face. "Your father has been trying very hard to find one, you should be happier for him, Severus. And don't look so incredulous—it's not like your father _wants _to live the way we do, he's been very upset to have been unemployed for so long—"

"What's incred—incred—?"

"Incredulous, it means you looked as though you couldn't believe he had one or that he'd been trying to find one, which is completely unfair of you. Anyway, how was school so far?"

Severus hurried to catch up with her, clasping his suitcase tightly as it rolled and bumped along the ground. "Good, really good. I got Outstandings in most everything."

"You said that in your letter. Well done, Severus." She glanced behind her and managed a little smile. He bowed his head, slightly embarrassed. She lowered her voice, being that they were now outside King's Cross. "Your father is really trying hard to make everything work."

"I didn't mean to be incredulous," Severus said hastily. "Are you back together?" His mother turned around sharply.

"We were never apart," she replied in a terse tone that Severus took to mean she wanted to say nothing else on the matter. There were definite positive factors during Christmas break, though. Severus' father had finally cleared out the second bedroom free of his belongings, which meant two things: Mum and Dad were sleeping in the same room, and Severus finally had his space to be. It was a small room, but it still looked rather depressing with only a few schoolbooks, toys and small pile of clothes next to the old iron bed. Still, Severus was happy for a space of his own, especially since his nighttime thoughts about Bellatrix Black and other pretty girls was getting to be one of his secret favorite activities. Part of him felt ashamed and weird for the way he felt, but the other half did not care—as long as he kept it secret, it was all right. And in his own room, he was able to think about Bellatrix's cleavage peeking out of her robes and touch himself to his heart's content.

This new phase in Mum and Dad's relationship seemed to be one of few words, which Severus felt was a little annoying but perhaps better than the alternative. Dad was only drinking once a day, given that he had to go off to his job laying bricks, and so there had been no screaming. Neither of them were addressing Severus much either, which was lonely but not enough to make him complain. However, Lily was rather busy over this break. Severus tramped through the snow every day to visit her, but she was often gone for the day. There were relatives and friends from London visiting the Evanses, and Christmas-related family time that Lily had to attend to. Regretting his choice to come home for the holiday, Severus spent most of his time slumped on the couch, reading and re-reading the book of curses and counter-curses, and attempting to get ahead on all of the upcoming class assignments. By the end of January, he decided, he would be the best in _every _class—he would leave James Potter in his dust.

* * *

><p>"So," said Petunia slowly, looking Lily up and down. "How has it been at your freaky school?"<p>

Lily and her parents had just walked through the door, to find Petunia waiting, arms crossed over her chest.

"_Tuney," _Mother warned. "Be nice." She patted Lily's shoulder. "Tuney's actually been looking very forward to seeing you—"

Petunia laughed. "Not really. So how is it, anyway? Still as special there as ever?"

"For your information, yes! I got the highest marks of anyone in my house, and I love it there!" Lily glared at her sister and pushed past her, running up to her room and slamming the door. Downstairs, their parents were telling Petunia, who had started crying, to be nice. Nearly every interaction between Lily and her sister began and ended this way over Christmas break.

Lily spent her break getting whisked off on errands by her Mother, Father and Aunt Karen while Petunia opted to stay behind and gossip about Lily with her new best friends in the neighborhood. They went on shopping trips and came home with bundles of packages—an enormous turkey, a duck, loaves of fruitcake, nuts, lumps of expensive cheeses, and wine. Since Petunia was unable to handle being in the same room as Lily, Mother appointed Lily to be Helper. They baked cookies and appetizers together, talked about Lily's school and about the different classes, and the different people. Lily expressed annoyance about Mary MacDonald, and her big mouth, and told Mother about the spell Severus had done. Mother did not find it quite as hilarious as Lily, saying only that Lily's time would come, and that she'd be surprised how quickly she would start talking about boys just like Mary was. This offended Lily a bit—it was the kind of thing Mother was always telling Petunia, and Lily did not want to hear any of it. Father had taken quite a few days off work, and he took Lily on drives to the library, and to get cups of hot cocoa.

At the end of the first week, Petunia cornered Lily, much like she had before Lily had left. "You have everything else, and now you're stealing away our parents, too? I'm _always _Mother's helper in the kitchen! You always had Daddy but Mother and I get along best, and now you're taking her, too?"

"Shut up, Petunia. Leave me alone," said Lily, surprised at how satisfying it was to tell her sister off. Petunia glared, but turned on her heel and left.

"_See what I mean? Lily's changed since she had to go to that school for bad girls," _Lily overheard Petunia telling her friends that weekend. _"She used to be my best friend."_

Lily threw the door open and scowled. "I do _not _go to a school for BAD GIRLS!" she shouted.

Petunia blanched. "Lily, get out of here! Don't bother me!" Her friends, three prudish looking girls in pastel dresses, made faces at Lily as though she were hideously ugly.

"Stop lying, Petunia Evans! You're only jealous of me!" Lily shouted.

"JEALOUS OF A FREAK?" Petunia squawked, her face quickly turning from pale to dark pink, matching her frock. Her friends twittered.

The tears that had been trying to pull through Lily's eyes since Lucius Malfoy's name-calling and Petunia's relentless insults finally came through. Tears spilled out down Lily's cheeks and she ran downstairs and outside into the snow, her patent leather Mary Janes getting soaked. She ran past the playground and across the bridge, over the black river that was solid with chunks of ice and evil-smelling. She ran past overflowing dumpsters, and hopped over refuse until she got to the last house on Spinner's End. She ran up onto the front terrace and, tears still streaming down her face, she pounded on the door.

It took several minutes of knocking before Severus' mother appeared, first opening the door only a few inches so she could see who was there, and then opening it fully. Lily had never gotten a full look at his mother until now. She was the thinnest woman Lily had ever seen, and she had a washed-out look like she had never seen sunlight. Her long black hair could have been pretty but it drooped down her back like she'd washed it and not let it dry. Her big, black eyes reminded Lily distinctly of Severus', and it was easy to spot their likeness. Severus' mother stared at Lily like she'd never seen a visitor before and then said in a soft voice: "You live past the river."

Lily wiped her eyes and nodded. "I came to see Severus. Is he here?"

The woman looked behind her carelessly. "He might be. Come in," she said, as though she was unsure of what else to say. Lily followed Severus' mother and looked around the small house, horrified at its conditions. There was a small couch and a table, and a few paintings that hung uneven on the walls. The walls were in desperate need of painting, and a smell hung in the air, like unwashed laundry. Severus' mother led her down a small hallway and knocked on a door. There was a distinct sound of someone jumping up and moving around.

"Severus, your friend is here," his mother said quietly, and then walked back down the hallway, leaving Lily at the door.

The door slowly opened, and there stood Severus, looking eccentric in a furry black sweater and what appeared to be gray pajama pants. "What are you doing here?" he hissed through the gap in the door, surveying Lily in the same way his mother had done moments earlier. "Why are you here?"

The tears dripped through Lily's eyes again. "Great!" she said, "Now you don't even want to talk to me!"

"Don't be stupid," Severus said. "Come in." He let her into his room and closed the door. "Why are you crying?" he demanded.

Lily looked around the small, barren room. "Petunia keeps calling me a freak. I don't know what to do—all I want is for us to be friends again!" She sat down on the edge of Severus' bed, while he watched her with an expression she could not decipher.

"Petunia is a big idiot," he said. "Why do you even care? And besides, she's your sister. She isn't your friend."

Lily gave him a dirty look. "You hate her, Severus, so I don't expect you to know what I mean. But all I want is to be normal—and I don't fit in anywhere."

Severus snorted, sitting down beside Lily. "You fit in quite well at Hogwarts, from what I've seen. Everyone loves you. You have millions of friends, and you're always busy—" he stopped talking and stared at the wall, swinging his feet.

"Everyone does _not _love me," she snapped, wiping her tears on her sleeve. "All James Potter and Sirius Black do is make fun of me and pester me for homework answers—"

"Well, they're the worst people at school," said Severus.

"—and my friends from my dormitory are all right, but you've seen them, they can be rather annoying. And I don't really feel like I fit in with them—"

"Why would you want to?" asked Severus bitterly. "All they do is giggle."

"—AND on the last day of classes, that Prefect in Slytherin, Lucius Malfoy, called me a name and told me I was a big joke. He called me a Mudlbood, Severus. Do you know what that means?"

Severus stared at her. "Well… Yeah… I know what it means. You said _Malfoy _called you that?"

Lily nodded. "What is it? It's bad, isn't it?"

"It just means you're from a Muggle family," Severus said.

"But you said that it didn't matter I was."

"It doesn't." Severus' black eyes looked everywhere but at Lily's face.

"So why was Malfoy picking on me about it? He seemed like he hated me, and I've never spoken to him before." Lily looked at Severus, who was acting like he was lost in thought.

"Well…" Severus said. "I suppose it's kind of a strong word. You wouldn't just throw it around. But for some people, like my Mum, they grew up using it just to be Muggle-born people… anyway, don't take it too seriously." He scooted toward her a little, and opened his mouth, as though he was going to change the subject, but Lily interjected.

"Lucius Malfoy seemed so angry at me. He came up to me like he was going to hurt me, or something—"

Severus looked away again, and his voice had an edge to it, as though he was annoyed. "Don't be crazy, he's a Prefect. He probably just did it for a laugh, he's kind of—"

Lily narrowed her eyes. "_I'm_ not laughing, Severus!"

"I'm not either!" Severus said. "I'm just saying that maybe you shouldn't be crying about such stupid things. Malfoy is Malfoy, and your sister is dumb. Big deal."

Lily jumped off his bed with a frown. "I came all the way here to—and you're just—you're just being mean!"

Severus sprang up, the too-small sweater riding up his skinny middle. "No! I'm just saying, you don't have anything to be sad about. You're smart, and you don't need Petunia or Mary MacDonald or any of them—you're too good for them— I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with you, and we're friends, right?"

"Best friends," Lily said, "I just wish you wouldn't say such mean things sometimes."

"You like it, though, really," Severus replied, a small smile on his thin face. "You couldn't stop laughing forever when I cursed old Mary."

Lily had to smile back. Her parents thought she was so sweet_. "Perfect Lily",_ as Petunia had called her. But Severus was right, sometimes she did enjoy the way he sarcastically insulted the people around them who deserved it. And really, when it came down to it, Lily was not innocent in those situations, either. So, yes, maybe she did like it. Severus was quick to voice his negative opinion on most everything, but they were friends, and he had just said it: He didn't think there was anything wrong with her. There was something Lily liked about that.

Lily and Severus opted to go to their old clearing and play in the woods, attempting to make snow creatures. Lily didn't even care when Severus made disparaging remarks about Petunia, because in a way, Petunia deserved it. They mocked James Potter together, trying to come up with reasons why McGonagall had given him such a good grade. When Lily suggested it was probably because his head was so fat that McGonagall felt sorry for him, Severus got the giggles and couldn't stop laughing for several minutes.

* * *

><p>For Christmas, Lily got a set of new clothes, a gold locket necklace, a stack of money that she could either spend over break or change in Diagon Alley, a book on owl care, and new boots. She spent the morning eating breakfast with her family and then went to church for the local service. She and Petunia had taken a vow of silence, which suited Lily fine. Mother made a big dinner of roasted duck, peas, boiled cabbage, mashers and steak and kidney pie and they invited several of Father's work friends over for dinner and drinks.<p>

For Christmas, Severus got a book on deadly curses that his Mum gave him in private. From his father he got a pair of new shoes, which was a first. The church delivered a box of clothing and canned food donations, which sent his father into a fit of rage. "Those damned people, thinking they're better than us just because they haven't had to work a day in their fucking lives!" he cursed, kicking the box angrily. Severus' mum and Dad drank brandy and sat in silence, so Severus retreated to his room, where he read his new book.

* * *

><p>Before they knew it, Lily and Severus had returned to Hogwarts. They made a decision to always meet at least once a week to study, and at least once on the weekend. Severus especially wanted to study Transfigurations, and Lily needed help in History of Magic, given that she was not as good of a note taker as Severus was. Lily's Gryffindor friends began to notice her absence and more and more, and they pressed her more than ever about why she counted Snape as such a good friend. Mary had told everyone about the Langlock incident, and everyone agreed that what Snape had done was awful (although the very same people began to use the curse on anyone they could). No one in Slytherin asked Snape any more questions about Lily— Even Lucius Malfoy seemed to still be convinced by Severus' lie.<p>

* * *

><p>"Get stuffed, you pompous peacock!" came a shout from the Slytherin bath, and there was a flash of red light. Someone yelled out.<p>

Severus looked up from his notebook and watched as Bellatrix Black ran out, only wearing a slip. Lucius followed her and held her by the wrists.

"How dare you try to curse me!" he yowled. "Go on, find yourself another Pureblood to toy with, it won't be that difficult—"

"You're impossible," Bellatrix retorted. "It's obvious you fancy her, and she's just a baby— I won't let you throw her away—"

"You don't care for her, you only care about yourself—"

"HA!" screamed Bellatrix. "Look at you! You vain, preening, piece of—" she turned around suddenly, spying Severus on the common room couch. "Snivellus!"

Severus picked up his books and jumped up, feeling like he'd been caught in the act of spying and, considering his new favorite activity, he felt decidedly dirty. "I was just leaving!"

"Don't call him that," Lucius spat, and then said in a calm tone, "Severus, you really should be in bed…"

"You don't own me, Lucius. I can talk how I want, and Snape is a sniveling, slithering little perfectionist! Just because he's got tons of curses doesn't mean he's like us, he's just a weird little boy—"

"He's got more drive for it than you do, Bellatrix!"

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you're defending a little blood traitor. Even if he _does _do well in dark magic. GOOD. NIGHT." She glared evilly and then flounced downstairs.

Lucius snorted and walked over to the couch, flopping down on it and sighing. "I thought older girls would be more normal. Wrong. Bellatrix is insane." Severus noticed that Lucius' trousers were halfway unzipped, and Lucius seemed to notice him looking. Coolly, he zipped them and shrugged. "I'm sorry you had to see that, Severus."

"What?" asked Snape, deadpan. "Your trousers being open?"

Lucius' eyebrows raised, and then he grinned. "Did you just make a joke?"

"Something like that," said Severus. He wanted to say more, but wondered if it was a bad idea. He decided he didn't care, and sat next to Lucius on the couch, unconsciously sitting the same way. "So, why is Bellatrix crazy?" he wanted to know.

Lucius' lips curled into a small smile. "I do not know if I should get into it… you're so young."

Severus rolled his eyes. "I just turned twelve!" he said.

"Well," said Lucius delicately," all I'll reveal is that she has some weird interests when it comes to making out. She made me bite her so hard she bled."

Severus was unable to hide his reaction, his eyes widened and he stared. "Whoa," he said, almost appreciatively.

"You _are _a weird little boy, Severus," said Lucius. "But I like you all right, despite what other people say. Is there anything else you want to know about Bellatrix?"

From then on, Lucius wasn't just an annoying mentor or slightly cool. He was someone Severus full-on idolized.

* * *

><p>"I don't think it's odd you hang out with Slytherins, Lily," said Frank Longbottom. It was finally spring, and a small group of Gryffindors were pretending to study by the lake. The day was so beautiful that it had turned into an outdoor Exploding Snap session, and then after that, a wizard's chess match against the winner. "In fact, I think it's nice. I wish I knew more Slytherins."<p>

"Well, you should spend time studying with Severus and me sometime!" said Lily, knocking Frank's bishop out of the way.

Frank cleared his throat and focused on the game for a bit. "It's just… I mean, I think it's good you don't buy into all the house rivalry stuff. And it's not that I don't believe you… But it's just that you're the only person I've really ever seen Severus act nice to."

"You probably say that because you don't understand him," Lily explained. "He gets annoyed easily, especially when people make fun of him—"

"I've never made fun of him," Frank said. "Anyway, I'm not trying to fight you, I'm just saying… you're a different sort of Gryffindor."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're a weirdo," said James Potter, who suddenly appeared and sat down between them. "'lo Longbottom! 'lo Evans! What's going on?"

Lily glowered. "Quit it, Potter!"

James winced, as though she'd cursed him. "_What? _ What'd I do?"

Frank snickered, and made his move. "Hello, James!"

"I said, quit it!" Lily exclaimed, continuing to glare at James. "I'm not a weirdo!"

"Ease up, Evans, I'm only joking. Though you are a bit strange, being that you seem to actually like Potions and I heard you say you don't care for Quidditch—"

"I never said that! I just said that if I had to choose between a Quidditch meet and—"

-"And a day of class, you'd want to be in class," James finished and rolled his eyes. "That is so boring! If you really understood Quidditch, then you'd be on my side, Evans. Trust me, if you saw me on my Comet, WOOOOSH! You'd be so impressed!"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Look, Potter, I know Quidditch is everyone's favorite thing around here and maybe I am weird for not liking it as much as you. Maybe I'll get to liking it. I'm just not used to it… It's probably because I'm a Mudblood."

As soon as the word had left Lily's lips, the group's energy shifted. James made a horrified face, Frank gasped, Alice actually screamed, and Sirius, who had just arrived to hang out with the group, stared at Lily and asked: "Why would you call yourself that?"

"What do you mean?" Lily said. "It's just a word for Muggle-born people."

"Noooo," James moaned, shaking his head back and forth vigorously. "It's a bad word, my dad told me the only people who use it are total scumheads—"

Sirius' eyes flashed. "My mother uses it in nearly every other sentence—"

"Sorry, mate, but I stand by what I said," James shrugged.

"No… I'm realizing it _is _a horrible word," said Sirius. "Evans, you shouldn't say it—not even for yourself… Especially not for yourself."

"My mother told me if I ever said it, she would set my behind on fire," said Frank. "I don't think she was joking."

Lily's face was red. "I didn't know—I really thought it was just… a word." She trailed off, thinking of what Severus had said. Why had he pretended it wasn't?

"Who called you that?" James wanted to know.

"Lucius Malfoy," Lily replied. "But… it was odd, Severus said that he didn't mean it in the bad way, he said some wizarding families just use it as a word to describe people like me—"

James looked like he might spit fire. "_Severus _said? Lily, when are you going to stop listening to that creep?"

Frank nudged him, but it was Sirius who spoke. "Actually, Snivelly may have been telling the truth as far as he knows it. My mother throws it around, same with my cousins and their parents… to them it _is _just a word. To a lot of Purebloods, it is—"

James made a face. "Not to my family!"

"You're lucky," Sirius snapped. "I've told you that, mate. You don't know how lucky you are!"

"Lily, most Purebloods don't use it. It's super awful to call someone that. You could report Malfoy to Dumbledore," said Alice. "I'd even go with you."

Lost in thought, Lily slowly shook her head. "That's okay. I don't want Lucius Malfoy to know I told on him. Maybe Severus can speak to him about it…"

"Good luck with that," James snapped. "Listen. Here's a better idea. I'll tell Lucius Malfoy to shut his face!"

Sirius shoved him. "Like that would go over well."

"I could take him," James said, shrugging. "He's only a fifth year."

"Big man," Sirius grinned. "Anyway, you're probably right, Evans. Malfoy can be pretty nasty. You should probably just steer clear of him."

* * *

><p>At the end of the school year, Severus and Lily boarded the Hogwarts Express together, loaded with extra work to do over the summer. Lily's Christmas and birthday money had gone toward, among other things, purchasing a very well designed chemistry kit, which was a popular buy because using it over the summer wouldn't get you expelled or in trouble. She and Severus were quite looking forward to taking advantage of the extra practice.<p>

"See ya later, nerds!" James called as they got off the train, but Remus actually waved kindly, calling a sincere goodbye to Lily and Severus. Sirius was too busy trying to give Peter a real mustache with a joke kit he'd bought off an older student. Lily didn't even notice when Bellatrix Black tried to trip her, all the while grinning at Severus slyly. Lucius Malfoy wrote his address down on a slip of parchment and told Snape to write anytime, giving Snape one of his infamous cold around-the-shoulder hugs, complete with a frigid little pat on the back. When they got onto the platform, they found Lily's mum and dad straight away but Snape's Mum was nowhere to be found. Lily's father insisted they give Severus a ride since they lived so close but when they got to Spinner's End, both his mum and dad were out. Severus explained that they must have forgotten about him returning today, though he'd written an owl twice this week. Lily's parents looked absolutely shocked that something like this could happen, and Lily's mum, a wistful look in her eyes, let him stay for dinner.

During the summer, Severus and Lily became inseparable, even more than before going to Hogwarts. It was clear now that they could only speak to each other about Hogwarts and really understand, save for the friends that they owled once in awhile. They'd quizzed each other on History of Magic with flash cards, they hung out on the swings in the park while discussing their favorite and least favorite professors, they played Muggle board games at Lily's house, and they complained about not being able to use magic endlessly. Severus became a regular fixture in Lily's home, to the rest of her family's chagrin, or at least Petunia's. Lily's mother and father liked him okay—they asked him tons of questions about being from a wizarding family. He wouldn't say so, but Lily was amused to see that he liked the attention. Still, her parents were skeptical of his gloominess and worried about the general effect it would have on Lily. At least that was what they said openly. Lily overheard them whispering in the living room one night that summer while they thought she and Tuney should be sleeping.

"…_not quite sure she's ready to deal with that sort of situation. She's so positive and cheery about life, it will surely bring her down. It can't be long before he starts opening up about it—perhaps he all ready has and she hasn't told us? Oh, Albert, I don't want her to grow up yet… That poor odd boy! But I don't want our Lily to be negatively affected." _Her mother sighed.

"_I saw them at the market today," _said her father quietly. _"Severus and his dad. I've seen him come round to the pub, always sits alone. Today was the first time I'd seen them together. He dragged Severus across the store by his shirt collar and yelled at him to pick up the pace. Would have hit him, too, if not for me watching. I made sure he saw me watching. Children their age are _supposed _to dawdle." _Her father gave a sad little laugh. _"I think what really set me off was that his father almost looked put together. I mean, definitely not a sharp dresser but his clothing matched and there were no holes to speak of. It made me sick, thinking of how they let that kid walk about in rags." _

"_I've only spoken to his mother once. A little too young, if you ask me. She talked to me like she wasn't used to having small talk. Kind of like her son, I suppose…"_

Lily brushed the wall and made a small sound. Her parents stopped talking instantly. Before she could get in trouble, Lily turned for her door and leapt in bed. She wasn't sure what to think about all of this information. She knew that Severus' family did not get on very well. He'd let on as much when they first started hanging out, on a day when he was late. He'd explained that they argued a lot at his house and that his father despised magic. Apparently, he hadn't known that Snape's mum was a witch when they first met. But that was all Severus had really said. He didn't like to talk about it much. Now all she could think about was the image of his father dragging him across the store. She did not want to ask Severus about it because she was sure he wouldn't want to talk about it. That was the last she heard about his home life that summer. Severus was very quiet about how his summer was going at home, and he'd made her promise to never come pick him up at Spinner's End ever again.


	4. In the Springtime of His Voodoo

**AN:** Annd, the pace is picking up, though I am realizing I have my work cut out for me (I'm excited though). Expect a rating change soon. I also want to make sure that I give a trigger warning for abuse and sexual harassment. I could have posted this earlier, but I've been adding little details and tweaking all week. Please review and let me know how you're liking it.

* * *

><p>Chapter Four: In the Springtime of His Voodoo<p>

_Second Year- Start of term until January_

"_Out on the wild and windy moors,_

_We'd roll and fall in green._

_You had a temper, like my jealousy—_

_too hot, too greedy, How could you leave me,_

_when I needed to,_

_possess you?_

_I hated you. I loved you, too." _

_-_Kate Bush

* * *

><p>All summer, Lily and Severus practiced their potion making skills, played games at Lily's house, spent time talking in their clearing and avoided Petunia's glares and insults. Much to Severus' mum's dismay, he grew quite a bit over the summer and looked even more ridiculous than usual in his clothing. His voice had also begun to do a really annoying thing where it alternated between a high, squeaky tone and a deep register, which Petunia was the first to point out (<em>"Ooh! Somebody's going through puberty!")<em>. Severus was really dreading going back to school, and had decided that speaking was wholly unimportant (of course, that would change as soon as he actually got to Hogwarts). The only thing that kept Severus excited for Hogwarts was, as usual, his home life. His father had only kept the brick-laying job for a few months before losing it due to his poor attendance and temper, and had picked up his old drinking habits. Although Severus was able to keep the second bedroom, his father and mother slept together less and less. In fact, it seemed as though his father never slept. Tobias would sit at the kitchen table at all times of night and day, smoking cigarettes and drinking. Mum was gone a lot this summer. She had another job now that she wasn't speaking much about. Severus wondered if her job was in Diagon Alley or some other place she wouldn't want Tobias to know about. Not that it mattered. They were so hard up for money that Severus wondered if Tobias would dare criticizing anything that would bring in revenue. Severus wished she would bring him along.

While she was gone, Severus tried to keep to his room or outside, but he had to face Tobias at least twice a day now. Tobias would question him drunkenly and he'd give the shortest answers possible. Once a week he heard Tobias beating up his Mum, and each time he got angrier with his mother for not breaking down and using magic. She could probably kill him—she probably knew how. When he was little, he hadn't really thought about it, but now it all seemed ridiculous. While he spoke to Tobias, he would fantasize about using the curses he'd been learning on him—any of them. All of them. Severus had usually refrained from talking to Tobias out of fear, but this summer he became sarcastic several times. Once, when Tobias commanded him to get the whiskey bottle out of the cupboard, Severus made a noise of disapproval. Tobias got up and slapped Severus across the face, hard. _"You shit head," _he said.

Severus spent time in his room writing to Lucius and asking him advice on classes, and then borrowing Atticus to send the letters. Lucius would write back in neat block print, recommending Runes instead of Muggle Studies, or detailing what he had termed _"yet another summer from Hell." _ Lucius' older brother was visiting, and apparently they did not like each other—from what Lucius would say, there was a lot of arguing and familial dueling. His brother was getting married and wouldn't stop talking about it, and if what Lucius was saying was correct, Lucius' father and mother had picked their favorite son long ago. Lucius seemed to be spending his summer lazing about his parent's manor and plotting his brother's demise (_"I asked the house elves to poison him but he beat me to talking to them and made them swear upon their lives that they would not take orders from me concerning his food. This made them all feel very guilty and awful for not taking orders from me and there was quite a lot of groveling and maiming of themselves. My mother started crying and asked why her sons always have to try and kill each other and he played the family hero as usual and gave her lots of hugs and apologies. It was disgusting. I hope his soon-to-be wife is very ugly and that all of his children will have harelips and mustaches. Hope you are well. Sincerely, Lucius PS: I saw Bellatrix, met for a decidedly awkward coffee in Knockturn Alley—mad as ever, says she apparates all over the place now and pops up to frighten her relatives when they are using the toilet, very immature but you must admit it is a bit amusing. Her new boyfriend met up with us at the end of it. He looked fit for St Mungo's, so maybe it's true love. " _).

Severus' replies were much more frequent than Lucius', but much less detailed (_"Dear Lucius, Do you do well in Runes? Is it useful? Also, do you know any subject where I can get better at curses and dueling? I wish I had siblings who would duel with me, but being attacked while unable to do magic sounds no fun at all. Maybe you could help me? Your brother sounds annoying. My dad and I don't get on. I guess you could say he hates me. I wish I was at Hogwarts. There are so many Muggles around and no one here to really talk to. Been reading a book on cursing enemies and very interested in practicing on Potter and Black when returned to school, I've practiced on several spiders but it's not the same and __Lil__ my friend won't let me hurt them too much. Lucky you to have seen Bellatrix. Why did she have to graduate? Hope to hear from you soon, YOUR FRIEND, Severus"). _

Lily was taller, too, and had to be fitted for new robes. She'd taken to asking Petunia whether she wanted to see the frog eggs she'd brought home and would pat her pockets while her sister would run off, screaming her head off. It was a great tactic for keeping her at bay. Lily kept in touch with Muruvi, Remus, Mary, Scarlet, Alice and Frank over the summer. Muruvi's distant relatives who were visiting from northern England were extremely disappointed that she'd been sorted into Gryffindor and kept suggesting she try on the Sorting Hat again (_"They keep hugging me and screaming, "it's not too late!" It's dreadful here!"_). Remus, from the sound of it, was keeping busy by reading all sorts of books. His letters were the best—he drew diagrams of the things he was learning with an enchanted pen that made the pictures move (_"Dear Lily, how is the studying? I've been reading about Hogwarts in these old books I found. Did you know how many trapdoors and secret passages there are? TONS! I drew you a map of Hogwarts according to the book I just finished. I copied it out for myself, too. Maybe there's a trap door we can use when we get tested for the OWL. Just joking, I'd be too afraid to get caught. I'd better not tell James and Sirius that idea, they're crazy enough to try it! See you soon, Remus")_. Mary's letters, written in her loopy cursive, detailed her escapades of trying to hunt down Sirius. She'd been mailing him letters and asking if they could meet up in Diagon Alley—but he kept saying he was too busy watching his younger brother and avoiding being cursed by his cousins, who were visiting for holiday. Mary did not seem disillusioned by these excuses, however. As the summer went on, she simply added more and more boys to her list of interest (_"He says that Bellatrix, Narcissa and Andromeda come around every once in a while, and that things are really terrible since that nasty Bellatrix can apparate. He said no one can have a pee in peace, because she'll come out of nowhere and scream or something else scary. Though I wish _I _could apparate, I would do it while Sirius was in the shower! Hee hee! How is everything at your house? How is SEVERE-YUCK? I know that will make you mad but it made me laugh to write! Is he still just as yucky? Tell me everything! I got a new neighbor who is sooo cute! I may have to make him my boyfriend. He might be younger than us though, I have never seen him at Hogwarts. I hope not! Oh, Sirius—my love, reply! Reply! Ha ha! Your friend, Mary")_.

Lily wrote back to her right away (_"… I still think that you need to forget about the Langlock. You have to admit you were being rude. Severus isn't 'yucky', he might be a bit weird sometimes but not yucky. I have had fun with him this summer reading aloud and practicing Potions, as for Sirius, if he hasn't asked you out by now don't you think you should spend your time doing better things? My sister is being so mean this summer. It's gotten even worse. It's always silent treatment or calling me 'freaky', I don't know what's worse. My mother seems to want to tell me every second about boys and getting older, and PUBERTY. Aaaargh. I mostly just ignore her. I really do miss you, even if you can be annoying. Lots of love, Lily")_. Scarlet was being taken around all of Great Britain for holiday by her aunt and uncle who were very well off, and her short letters were written with such disdain and sarcasm that Lily read and re-read them, laughing aloud each time (_"Lily, Aunt says we may meet the Minister of Magic, as she gets on very well with him. Uncle, lots of wine, wants to know whether maybe she's still got a chance with the Minister, and says then he'll finally be free of her. I'm ready for homework again and that's saying something! XO, Scarlet"_) . Alice had a "boring" summer with her mother and father, who worked in an exotic plant shop where normal plants were sold to Muggles in the front and plants used for Potions were in a secret room upstairs ("_I've been very bored here. They've made me babysit the Man-Eating one, and it won't stop spitting out the dead rats I have to feed it. I am covered in guts every day. Sometimes I read to it and it makes a terrible grunting sound. Perhaps it doesn't like comic books. If I die this summer, give everyone my goodbyes."_). Frank spent his summer apparently being tortured by his older brother Algernon, who lost no time in taking advantage of the fact that wizards under seventeen could not legally perform magic over the summer (_"I guess I understand the law, but it should only pertain to Muggle-borns or people without older siblings. If you were here you'd know why…")_.

Lily still hadn't grown out of her fondness for pretend games, and although Severus voiced openly how absurd he found them to be, he still usually played along. Her anomalous affinity for Dementors and ghouls still drove her interests and she read to Severus from _The True Diaries of Convicted Azkaban Prisoners- A Collection, _a book she'd gotten with her money at Flourish and Blotts (a book that, were Lily not Muggle-born, her parents would have no doubt taken away). Putting the book down for a moment, Lily looked up at Severus, who was hanging upside down from a tree branch in the clearing, She shaded her eyes with the book and smiled. "What do you reckon you'd think of if you saw a Dementor?" she asked.

"That's a pretty depressing question to ask while smiling," Severus replied, and then pulled himself up so that he was sitting on the branch, nestled against the trunk. "Maybe I'd…" he trailed off. _Hear mum crying, _he thought. _Dad yelling, Dad throwing me on the wall, lonely house, no friends, kids making up rumors. _ He shrugged. "Nothing," he said boldly.

"That's impossible," said Lily.

"Yeah, well, what would you think about?"

"If you don't have to answer, neither do I," said Lily. _Petunia calling me names, _she thought. _Family dying, bad things, bad people. _

"It's not that I didn't have to. It's that I didn't _want _to," said Snape. He squinted down at her. "Your hair looks cool in the light like that, it looks like gold," he said appreciatively.

Lily stared up at him and made a face. "Being nice won't work. I still want to know what you'd see. I'll find out when you least expect it!" she said playfully.

Severus scaled to the next branch down and then jumped out of the tree, landing right beside her on the grass.

"Severus," she began, stretching out on the grass, "how is everything at home—"

The words were barely out of her mouth when Severus said quickly, "I don't wanna talk about that anymore, all right? So stop asking me!"

"You don't have to be so grumpy," she said. "I just wondered."

"S'okay," he said, and lay next to her, closing his eyes and trying to block out any thoughts of his home life.

"Is it bad, then?" she asked worriedly.

He nudged her. "Shut it, nosy."

"Severus," Lily said, and he opened his eyes to see her looking at him, her green eyes wide and inquisitive. "After the Dementors suck out your soul, are you as good as dead or are you just sorta soulless?"

He closed his eyes again and snorted. "You and your Dementors."

"I can't help it! I want to see one! I'll bet they're so creepy," Lily said hopefully, giving a wistful sigh.

"You'd never do anything bad enough to get into Azakaban," Severus said. "You won't even let me say the word 'hell' around you."

"My mother says it's not a nice word," she replied.

"Ha ha, you'll really never go to Azkaban now!" Severus teased.

"Like you will."

"If I did," said Snape dangerously, "it would be for a really bad reason."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Like what?"

He rolled onto his stomach and looked at her through a layer of black hair. "Like say I killed someone—"

"You never would," Lily said, but she was watching him with heightened interest. There was a strange, sinister expression on his face. "You couldn't."

"Sure I could. There are curses to do it, it's something they won't ever teach us at Hogwarts," he said hungrily. "But I know about them."

"It's good they won't teach us," Lily said disapprovingly, but she was leaning toward him. "How do you kill someone with a curse?"

Severus smirked darkly, his voice a dry whisper. "Different ways, some more gross than others. I read in one of my books that there's a simply killing curse. I mean, simple because it's only a spell but it's really hard to master it—really dark magic. You say one spell, _Avada kedavra, _and the person just falls down. Dead. No blood, no wounds. Just _dead._" He licked his chapped lips.

Lily's eyes widened. "You'd never do that," she whispered.

Severus flipped his hair out of his face. "Say I did. Say I killed someone just because I wanted to. And say I got taken to Azkaban, and I tell everyone goodbye. I'll tell you goodbye and tell you I'm never coming back. And then…" Severus got closer to Lily's face. She was watching him intently. "BOO!" he shouted.

Lily jumped up as Severus started laughing quietly. "You shouldn't always be reading that stupid book, you scare so easy!" Snape grinned.

"Don't DO that! Don't scare me! It wasn't even scary, it was stupid!" she yelled, and pushed him over on his back, pretending like she was going to start boxing his ears. He grabbed her hands to push her away, and she held down his arms. The two of them stopped laughing. They stared at each other for quite awhile before Lily turned red and lay back beside him. Severus' heart was pounding in his chest, and Lily was breathing hard.

* * *

><p>Second year started so quickly that it was difficult to imagine what summer break had been like. Straight away, McGonagall informed them that they would all do well to practice their spells outside of class, because, as she put it, "You're no longer novices at Transfigurations and so I will hear no excuses about perhaps having bought the wrong wand at Ollivander's!" She was referring mostly to Peter Pettigrew, who seemed to be under the impression that he'd be loads better at magic if it weren't for Ollivander sending him off with the wrong package as a first year. Professor Binns greeted them with a three hour lecture on Aldo Prod, the first wizard to successfully animate a tree stump (Lily had to keep pinching Remus, who was snoring on her shoulder). Professor Slughorn gave them all excited handshakes and happily informed them that he felt it was time he lectured less and let them work more, and that the quality of their physical potions would make up their grade this year. This irritated people like Remus, Xing and Jasmeet Patil, who were both very good at writing essays but awful at actual potion-making. Suddenly, Severus and Lily were sought after instead of made fun of, particularly Lily. Severus found himself mixing potions with partners like Mary and Frank Longbottom, who previously had sat as far away from him as possible (Mary for obvious reasons, and Frank because Severus lost no opportunities to draw attention to the fact that he was poor in Potions). Whenever Lily and Severus paired themselves together, half the class would whine that it "wasn't fair".<p>

Slughorn began paying more attention to the two of them, greedily eying their perfect potions and singing their praises every class period. Lily was his prize, indefinitely. Slughorn had been talking up his Slug Club to Lily and Severus lately. From what he said, it was a sort of student group he ran for "extraordinarily gifted students" (Lucius said it was a good excuse to do nothing, which was why he joined). Slughorn seemed keener on Lily going, but he mentioned he'd enjoy it if Severus were involved, since "I'd be barmey not to take the set of you". Professor Sprout had them all working so hard in the green houses that every lesson, all of her students were caked in dirt and smelled like plant food. Lily had to go to the hospital wing three times in a row because a Fanged Flower kept biting her hand. Flitwick was as kind as ever, and so his class was a welcome distraction from the loads of work everywhere else.

But Severus' absolute favorite subject was, more than ever, Defense Against the Dark Arts. Lucius had begun to teach Severus dueling lessons on Friday evenings, which Severus greatly looked forward to. He'd arranged it to be Fridays because the Gryffindors had a late night Astronomy lesson and thus he would not be missing an opportunity to see Lily. Lucius was a skilled dueler—he made his wand flicking look effortless, and he knew all kinds of flowery gestures and tricks. He was extremely helpful in teaching Severus delivery of his spells. He encouraged Severus to speak louder and more clearly, and adjusted Severus' arm by holding it from behind to give him the proper idea of how to carry himself. He praised Severus often but lost no opportunity to make fun of him. It was almost like having an older brother.

In class, Severus began to have more confidence. The instructor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, Professor Rughvaught, was an energetic and sarcastic man in his forties who wore a matching velvet cloak and top hat and had previous experience working in the Ministry of Magic as a decoder of cursed objects. He had also worked at Saint Mungo's, where he had treated people harmed by dark magic. In first year, Rughvaught had taught basic self-defense spells and had assigned a lot of detailed readings but this year, they were becoming more versed in small curses that they were taught to block. Severus had Defense Against the Dark Arts with Ravenclaw, which disappointed him because he wanted to show off how well he was at blocking spells to the Gryffindors (particularly Lily, and also James Potter). The professor had picked up on Snape's interest, and often challenged him during the class, which gave Snape an opportunity to show off. He would rattle off information from his notebook, and whenever Rughvaught asked a question, Snape's was the first hand in the air.

"Snape, you are exceptionally keen—though I believe you've been reading ahead," Rughvaught declared, after the class had finished a seminar on werewolves. As Severus gloated, he noticed several of his Slytherin housemates eying him with newfound interest, and perhaps even respect. When Rughvaught taught a brief course on the formalities of dueling, he picked Severus as a volunteer. Rughvaught was surprised at the amount of curses Snape knew, and although he blocked them all without trouble as they were very weak, he awarded Slytherin fifteen extra points for Snape's skills in memorization. After class, Rughvaught praised him, and told him he too had been in Slytherin. Rughvaught told him if he ever wanted extra work, to ask for it. Mulciber, Avery and Rosier waited for Snape outside the classroom door that day, and when he emerged, they called out to him as he ran along with his trademark stack of books and too-big billowing robes.

"Snape! SNAPE!" Mulciber shouted.

"Don't bother me, I have to get to the library," was Snape's answer, turning around and juggling his books. He was all ready late enough for a study session with Lily.

Mulciber gave a strained sort of laugh at Snape's blunt reply. "We just want to know how you've learned all of those spells. Why haven't you shown us before?"

"You don't really ever speak to me, do you? Anyway, I have a lot of books from my Mum, and I like to read everything on curses I can get from the library," Snape replied.

_"From the library," _mouthed Avery in a haughty imitation, but Rosier nudged him.

"Well, it's definitely neat," said Rosier, her eyes fixated on Snape's stack of books, which looked dangerously close to toppling out of his arms. "Could you teach us sometime?"

Snape gave her a pained expression. "Maybe _sometime_," he said hesitantly. "But I gotta get going."

Rosier, Mulciber and Avery glanced at one another, each with the same smirk. "I've seen you hanging out with Lucius Malfoy sometimes. Did you learn all of that from him? Bet you did," Avery said, and the look in the others' eyes showed that they had wanted to say the same thing.

But Severus shook his head. "Malfoy? No way. I actually taught him some of those the other day. I mean, sure he knows _some _good ones. He's a good dueler, he's been helping me there. But I'm way more into Defense Against the Dark Arts than him. He's always skipping class, pretending he's sick and things like that." He glared at them like they were the stupidest people on the planet.

Mulciber stared right back at Snape. "Lucius Malfoy won't be happy about you saying that. If you're lying, I'll find out. Snivellus," he added, as an afterthought. Mulciber, Avery and Rosier walked off together, making fun of the quiet but abrupt way that Snape spoke.

"Lucius is my friend! So what if you think I'm lying! You'll see I'm not!" Snape called after them. "But I don't care anyway, so don't think I do!" He wondered as they walked away if maybe he should have agreed to teach them some spells… Maybe even just one. Perhaps they were trying to be his friend. Of that he had absolutely no idea.

Later, at the library, Severus told Lily all about the praises Rughvaught had given him, and he even told Lily about all the curses he'd been learning.

Her eyes lit up at his excitement and she leaned closer to him. "When can I see them?" she asked.

"Oh, you'll see them at the right moment," he said cockily, confused at how confident he sounded.

"Maybe we can practice spells on each other," she said brightly, going back to her drawing of a human transforming into a werewolf.

Severus thought about it. "You should get better at blocking curses, then," he said.

She shoved him playfully. "You're that good at it? This I have to see!"

He smiled mysteriously.

"Can I borrow your quill for a sec, Sev?" she asked. "Mine's gotten too short—"

Wordlessly, Snape handed it to her. Their fingers grazed each other's, and Severus felt butterflies in his stomach. Lily pulled it out of his hand and finished her notes as Severus kept his fingers in mid-air.

* * *

><p>About a month into first term, Lily was studying in the common room when she was let in on an interesting new development…<p>

"Hey, uhm, Lily?"

Lily looked away from her Charms homework and smiled. "Hello, Frank! How're you?"

The broad, touseled haired boy gave a forced smile. "Doing okay, how's it with you?"

Lily went on for a while about how frustrating the homework was until she realized that Frank obviously was waiting to talk to her about something specific. "Sorry—did you have something to say?"

Frank nodded and shuffled his feet a bit. "I was wondering if… I was wondering if you could maybe speak to Severus Snape about not… er… not hexing me, even if it's just an accident…"

Lily's eyebrows raised. "What do you mean _hexing _you?"

Frank blushed. "It's just—sometimes I hang around James and Sirius, and today I was sort of well… caught by a spell that wasn't meant for me. So maybe if you could just asked him not to hex people in the halls? Because I don't want anyone else to be cursed either."

"He's _hexing _you? And James? _And _Sirius?" Lily wanted to know.

"Please don't tell him I said anything, I don't think he likes me too much," said Frank, and then ducked away. Lily noticed that he was walking rather funny.

Dreading it, Lily walked to the other side of the common room, where James, Sirius, Remus and Peter were playing an involved card game that seemed to be bewitched to burn your fingers if you held your cards too long—at least, that was what Lily guessed from the obnoxious shouts. "Hey, Potter, Black, can I speak to you?" Lily asked.

Potter threw down his cards at once, but Black continued to play, feigning deafness. "Does this have to do with Snivelly?" James asked. "I just saw poor Longbottom hobbling to our room."

Lily nodded, feeling her face turn red. She wasn't sure why this was embarrassing her, but Severus was her friend and she didn't really enjoy hearing that he was messing with her housemates. "What happened?"

James shrugged coolly, and Sirius stared at him, waiting for him to respond. "He was leaving last period, and we round the corner, and Snivellus just goes crazy, mutters this weirdo spell I've never heard and I think he was aiming for me, so I get out of the way and well, Longbottom took the brunt of it, you see. I didn't mean for that to happen, of course. And Longbottom's feet turned to jelly and he sort of fell to the floor."

"BOOM!" added Sirius over his cards, for emphasis. Remus rolled his eyes and tossed down his deck. Peter was laughing so fast and so hard that he sounded like a bleating sheep. Sirius continued the story flawlessly, as though he and James were some sort of two-headed creature that shared one brain. "So, I jinxed Slytherus with a leg locker curse, he falls over, but that git Malfoy jumps out of nowhere and puts Snape right, and starts saying he's going to take away all these bloody points from Gryffindor, which he can't even do, foul git—"

"—So we show him Longbottom, who's lying there, can't move his feet or legs, and he just laughs!" James put in. "He just laughs like it's the funniest joke ever! Which considering his sense of humor, it could have been to him. Then he took Longbottom to the hospital wing, which considering how Lucius usually acts was, well, saint-like."

Sirius nodded. "I thought for a minute he was going to give us hugs and start passing out sweets—"

"So no offense, Evans," James went on. "I know you're hung up on Snivelly and think he's just the greatest buddy you could ask for, but this really does mean war. He can't just go around cursing anyone he pleases so that he can test out his creepy ideas. I hope you don't hold it against us." James smiled sadly and shrugged.

"Now, wait," Lily said shortly, and Sirius whistled at her tone. "I need to find out if this is the real story. I can't say I trust you enough to believe that it is! You always make fun of him—how do I know you aren't making this up?"

"Evans! I can't believe you!" James replied, looking mockingly horrified. "You'd really believe Snivellus over me?"

"Well, he _is_ my friend, and you _are _a lazy class clown!" Lily snapped.

James raised his hand up. "Forget you, Evans. Class clown. I'm not a class clown!"

Remus sighed. "She has a point, James. And Lily, for the record, they were sort of talking about Sniv—Severus before he hexed Frank…" He trailed off as though he hadn't realized what he was saying until it was too late. He stared at James sheepishly. "Sorry, mate, but you were."

Sirius laughed. "So what? Poor Longbottom shouldn't have—"

"What did you say to Severus?" Lily snapped, her blood pressure rising.

"Just things," James said quickly. "Nothing to make him that mad, I promise. Just that his uh… Just that his hair was looking so oily today that I wondered whether or not he'd showered in chicken grease, that's all. Oh, and I asked him where he got his robes—they fit so terribly that they almost show his knees. I wanted to know if that was a new fashion."

Sirius, Peter, Mary and Xing all laughed at James' nonchalant way of repeating the insults. James grinned and shrugged again.

"Well, I'm sorry Frank was the one that got hit," Lily hissed. "You could have done with a trip to the hospital wing instead."

Alice and Remus snickered at this, but Lily wasn't looking for support. She gathered up her school supplies and went off to send Severus an owl.

* * *

><p>"They're not worth it," Lily said. They were sitting in the student study room near the library, which was open all night and monitored by Binns, who did not need to sleep anyway and floated along the perimeter of the room, reading. It had taken her some time to summon Severus out of his dorm room, but he finally showed, wearing gray pajama pants under his robes.<p>

"That's what Lucius said," Severus replied, and then pretended to be fascinated with his hand. "I don't like them, Lily. They make fun of me for everything."

Lily nodded. "I know. I heard what James said to you. He tried to pass it off at first like it was nothing, and then I asked him what he-"

Severus' cheeks darkened. "I wish you wouldn't have asked! It was bad enough all ready!"

Lily looked at him strangely. "It's not like I agree. He's stupid and the things he says don't even make sense," she said quickly.

"Still… it's humiliating," Severus said, his voice breaking. He cleared his throat. "And don't think I'm going to leave them alone. If they're mean to me, I have a right to defend myself—"

"You hit Frank, and he wasn't even being mean to you, in fact, he's defended you several times—"

"Defended me? Longbottom doesn't laugh when Potter's mean but he never _defends _me! He sits back and lets it happen, same with your beloved Lupin!" Severus' voice was breaking rapidly, going from a high trill to a deep register but that did not stop him from looking dangerous. Binns shook a finger at him and shushed him.

"Beloved?" Lily wrinkled her nose. "How is he my beloved?"

"Writing those letters to him all summer," Snape whispered loudly, "those drawings he sent you—"

"You _read _my letters?"

"Well, it wasn't hard to! You were carrying his around everywhere with you! I bet you sleep with them under your pillow!" he snapped.

Lily laughed. "What are you playing at, stupid? Remus is my friend!"

"Yeah? Well, why did you sign your letter to him _"lots of love"_?" Snape demanded.

"I write that to everyone!" Lily replied, annoyed. "If I liked Remus, I would tell you—"

"I hope not!" snapped Severus, pulling away from her.

"Why not? We're best friends! We talk about everything!" Lily said, and for some reason, her eyes were filling with tears, for the second time in front of Severus. Lily _never _cried—this was getting unfair. She hated crying.

"Not about that," Snape said, wrinkling his nose. "You'd be mad, Lupin's a weirdo. There's something off about him."

"STOP IT! Everyone calls you weird, too, Severus! Everyone tells me how creepy you are!" Lily burst out, and tears were flowing down her face. "Lupin hasn't done anything to you—you just—he-". With that, she got up and fled from the room.

"They can go get stuffed—he can too!" shouted Snape, following her.

"Young Snap, I must ask you to _hush_!" Binns pleaded, floated after them and slamming the door behind them.

"LILY!" Snape yelled, grabbing her by the back of her robes. She turned around, shoving him off. Her face was red. "Oh, why are you crying? This is so god damned stupid," said Severus, still following behind her. "Shit, Lily—I'm sorry, I didn't think you would _cry_ about it…"

She wiped her eyes on her sleeve, wheeled around and glared at him menacingly. "_Don't _swear at me! God! And I'm _not _interested in Remus, we're just friends and he writes nice letters! I'm not interested! Why does everyone have to talk about boyfriends?"

Severus let out an irritated groan. "_'Lots of love'_!" he said scornfully.

Lily grabbed his wrists and shook them. "Shut up!" she yelled.

His eyes widened, and she let him free. "You're acting funny," he said.

"You're acting stupid," she said, and then gave him a hug. "If I ever write you a letter, I'll sign it _lots of love _and then you'll be sorry," she said darkly, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

"Gross," Severus said, but smiled.

* * *

><p>"I DID IT!" James screamed, practically jumping through the portrait of the Fat Lady. He dove into the common room, knocking Xing to the side. In a swoop, he lifted the smaller boy up and hugged him. "YOU'RE ALL LOOKING AT YOUR NEW SEEKER!"<p>

Xing laughed and hugged him back. "Well done, James! So, Rosie put in a good word for you, then?"

Other Gryffindors headed over to James, making a circle around him and giving him hugs and high fives. James gesticulated wildly, telling a long story about how he'd stunned Rosie's replacement captain with his thirty second capture of the snitch.

Lily glared from her perch near the fire. _He is so annoying! _she thought bitterly. _Severus is right to dislike him. I've never met someone more in love with himself! _

The first Quidditch meet of the year was that weekend, and James lost no opportunity to mention it. At the match, Lily and Severus sat together. Severus spent the entire time reading a book for History of Magic, and only looked up occasionally to root for Slytherin by clapping quietly. James made a huge show of catching the snitch. He basically rolled off his broom onto the grass and then stood up, doing jumping jacks with the snitch in his hand.

Lily and Severus looked at each other and burst into sniggers.

"I hope he dies from a bludger wound," said Severus.

"You shouldn't wish for people to die," said Lily, but she was smirking.

"There you go, lecturing me and then laughing at what I say anyway 'cause you know it's right," said Severus.

Lily poked him. "I wasn't laughing."

"Whatever," he said, and went back to his book.

* * *

><p>"Rita's driving me mad. Every opportunity she gets, she tries to ask me if I've had sex with anyone," said Lucius casually to Severus as they walked around the lake. It was early December, and there was a distinct chill in the air. "She and Dolores are definitely trouble. Anyone who tries to make Secret Keepers out of those two is a goner. Everyone knows they spread rumors all over this damn school."<p>

Severus nodded, wrapping his robes around him to keep out the cold. They'd drank a warming draught but even that was wearing off in the cold air. "Have you?" asked Severus.

"Have I what?" Lucius replied, sounding cooler than the weather, tightening his black scarf.

Severus cleared his throat. "Had sex?"

Lucius looked around them dramatically and then said, "Almost. Once with Bellatrix, but she was out of control, and then after a few dates with Camilla, that Ravenclaw I was seeing last year."

"How do you almost have sex?" Severus wanted to know.

"Well, everything led up to it but it just—ah—it just did not happen. I felt like I could do better," said Lucius smoothly. "Anyway, I've done most everything else. I am a very accomplished snogger."

Severus sneered. "Do you have a trophy somewhere?"

Lucius gave him a haughty look. "What? I am. I'm very proud of the responses I have gotten. And Gilderoy hasn't even gone below the waist with a girl. Of course, he says he has but I can spot a liar when I see one."

Gilderoy Lockhart was a Ravenclaw fifth year with whom Lucius had struck up a very competitive friendship, being that Lockhart got just as much attention from girls as he did. Their companionship was as opposite as possible from Severus' and Lucius' bond. It was very non-cerebral and mostly revolved around mocking each other, bragging, and showing off. Gilderoy Lockhart had obnoxious golden ringlets and chiseled features that made the girls swoon. Lucius' long, perfectly kempt white blonde hair and piercing gray eyes won him just as many admirers, but his fan base was definitely darker. Severus had gotten stuck hanging out with them together once so far, and hoped it never happened again. The two of them spent the entire time preening and exchanging stories of conquests argumentatively, while Severus made revolted faces to Lucius behind Lockhart's back. Not to mention it was annoying to get astonished looks from girls who obviously thought Severus stuck out horribly between the two notably handsome boys. Every time Severus spied Gilderoy in the hall, he made himself look very busy because Lockhart was even more prone to droning on and on about himself than Lucius was.

"I don't see why you have to hang out with Lockhart—he's such a prat."

Lucius smirked. "I have to keep him in check and make certain he knows his place. Oh, in the name of Merlin, don't turn around whatever you do-"

"Lucius Malfoy, I have been looking for you _everywhere!" _Andromeda Black yelled, charging toward the two boys, her long dark hair pulled back into a bun that made her look much older than sixteen. Her sister Narcissa was following her, in a handsome wool cloak that brought out her blue eyes.

_Apparently looks skip a generation in the Black family, _thought Severus, checking out Narcissa's legs.

"Lucius, if we're going to be partners in Advanced Divinations, you at least need to show up! Professor Zabini is not pleased with your attendance, and you know how tough she is! She's taking it all out on me! Your father may be rising to the top of certain circles, but you can't rely on your family being rich and popular to get ahead in class! My family is more well-known, and at least I have the decency to take responsibility for my actions and admit when I'm wrong!" Andromeda yelled. She paused and then turned to Snape. "Hello, Severus."

"Hi," said Severus quietly. "Hi, Narcissa."

Narcissa nodded formally.

"Hello Andromeda. Hello Narcissa," said Lucius, smiling.

"Oh," said Narcissa, blushing and wiping imaginary dirt off her cloak. "Hello, Lucius!"

Severus sighed.

Andromeda tapped her foot impatiently. "_So?"_

"What do you want me to say? I enjoyed your little rehearsed speech. It was predictable, like everything else about you. And now allow me to say my piece." Lucius' eyes flashed maliciously. "I did not choose you as my partner. It is regretful that it happened that way, as I believe we have virtually nothing in common, and I feel like the less I know about you, the better I like you. Being a fellow prefect with you was, dare I say, quite enough time for us to spend together, wouldn't you say so? It is unfortunate that I fell sick the day we picked partners, but it is not my fault. If you need me to take care of the way Zabini is handling the situation, then I will. But do not come to me when I am taking leisure, and especially not when you have to have your little sister come along with you! And if you need any predictions from me, I'll wager to say that tonight you'll be hanging out with Mudbloods and Gryffindor scum in Hogsmede, shaming your, ah—_well known _family."

Severus looked at the two older students, his black eyes wide. He'd had no idea that hard-working, goody two shoes Andromeda was friends with Gryffindors, let alone that she was friends with any Mudbloods. This was certainly a more interesting side of Andromeda, who otherwise did not stand out very much in Severus' mind. Andromeda, a friend of Gryffindors and Mudbloods, with sisters like Bellatrix and Narcissa? Strange. Very strange.

Andromeda stared at Lucius furiously, but stood her ground. Narcissa, on the other hand, was suddenly finding it easier to make eye contact with Severus instead of Malfoy. She stared, expressionless, into Severus' face. He stared back intensely until she looked away, embarrassed.

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear for you, Malfoy. You do not know me, and you do not know my friends. You do not know anything about my life. You do not know my family, and although you may think you know my sisters, particularly Bellatrix, you don't know shit. You don't even know where you stand. You are so caught up in your appearance that you don't know much of anything. So don't make any judgments about me, Malfoy, unless you take a look at yourself," Andromeda said.

"Another well-rehearsed speech. Dear, dear, you must have been positively dreading speaking to me," Lucius smirked. "I'll see what I can do about Zabini."

Her face burning red, Andromeda turned around and began to walk away, but then turned back. "Narcissa! Come on!"

The blonde girl stared at the ground, and then looked up, casting her gaze somewhere between Severus and Lucius. She looked like she was going to say something, but then she ran off after her sister.

"Andromeda's a bitch," simpered Lucius.

"Definitely," said Severus, nodding. The way Lucius had handled the situation astounded Severus. He had not raised his voice, had not lost his temper, and had gotten his way. Severus wondered if he could ever be that composed.

Later that night, Severus stood in the Slytherin bathroom after his shower and looked into the steamy mirror. Wiping a circle clean so that he could better see himself, he stared. He stared at his dripping wet hair that touched his shoulders, and his too-thin face, and the awful acne that had recently made patches of red that stood out horribly on his pale cheeks. He stared at his thin shoulders, and hairless chest, and below at his groin. He wondered if he looked normal, because he didn't feel normal. He hated how his voice kept squeaking, and the humiliating way he constantly got erect if a girl so much as asked him for a quill, let alone had a nice body. He was taller than almost every other boy in second year, save for Mulciber and Longbottom, but people liked them well enough. And besides, they weren't tall with changing voices _and _acne!

Severus stared hard into the mirror and tried to imitate Lucius' cool facial expressions, one long black eyebrow arched higher than the other, nose up in the air. _"Andromeda's a bitch,"_ he said, but it came out all wrong.

* * *

><p>At the dining room table in the Great Hall, Mary was talking loudly about her new Hufflepuff boyfriend. "And he always answers my owls straight away! He sends the greatest love letters!" she practically yelled, glaring in the direction of James and Sirius.<p>

"How many owls are you sending him, exactly?" Lily asked sardonically. "Can't you just talk to him in Charms?"

"Lily," hissed Mary through her teeth, "Play along with me!"

"I'm not going to lie just so you can try to make Sirius jealous. Look at him. He's _not jealous," _Lily said, pointing to Sirius, who was whacking James over the head with what appeared to be a baguette.

Mary glared at Lily. "It's no wonder why you and Snivellus are friends," she said. "You're just as mean!"

"I'm not mean," Lily said hotly. "You're being pathetic."

"You sound just like him, you know," Mary said. "You think you're something special, Lily. Just because you're a good student and Slughorn loves you, and you always defend Snivellus no matter what nasty thing he's done, and—why don't you just go over to the Slytherin table and sit? It's where you belong!"

"The hat put Lily in Gryffindor," said Muruvi. "Don't—"

"Don't tell me what to do, Muruvi! You're almost as bad! I know for a fact that you spent your summer with the Rosier family, and everyone knows they're a pack of dark wizards!" Mary snapped.

"My family has known their family for decades," Muruvi said quickly, "and not all Slytherins are dark, you'd be insulting _my _family—"

"Well, maybe I am!" Mary said. "I'm tired of you and Lily acting like there shouldn't be rivalry, Slytherin's part of it too—they're worse!"

"If you weren't bad before you got into Slytherin, you'll definitely be by graduation," chimed in James. "For example, Snivelly may smell bad now, but he'll smell worse in a few years…"

"Shut up, Potter," Lily snarled. "You don't even know what we're talking about—"

James made a face at Sirius and shrugged.

Mary rolled her eyes. "He knows more than _you_, Lily. You're a Muggle-born, you couldn't possibly—"

"Oy," said Frank, "now that's a bit unfair, Mary."

"I wasn't being bloodist, I'm a Halfblood!" Mary cried. "I'm just saying, James' family has probably all told him about the history of Hogwarts, and Slytherins—"

"I'm a Muggle-born and I think Slytherins are the worst," piped in Xing. "Mulciber was my partner in Potions the other day and he tried to poison me, I know he did!"

"It's not that they're Slytherins, though—you're just talking about mean people who could be in any house!" Muruvi said, a waver in her voice. "My mother and father and all my sisters have been in Slytherin, and everyone else in my family—and they're not dark wizards! They're quite nice people!"

"All my family are messed up and they've all been in Slytherin," Sirius said.

"Yes, but you're a Black. No offense," Muruvi said.

"None taken," Sirius replied.

"Your cousin Andromeda helps me with my homework," Alice said.

"Well, she's all right," Sirius replied.

"Avery and Mulciber draw naked ladies in class!" Xing exclaimed.

James roared with laughter. "See, Evans! Proof they're all evil!"

Lily stared at all of them. "This is the silliest argument I've ever heard."

"Well, you started it," Mary said huffily. "I just think you shouldn't try to act so sweet all the time. You really aren't that innocent, Lily Evans. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see my boyfriend." She stormed off, leaving her dinner untouched.

Sirius took her place and ate the rest of her bangers and mash in under ten seconds. The people around him stared. "What?" he asked everyone, his mouth full.

* * *

><p>Christmas break came and went. Severus opted to stay at Hogwarts, while Lily went back to Cokeworth. Severus spent his break practicing spells. He now knew a stunning spell, a spell that made warts grow on the nose of the opponent, a spell for causing a person immense stomach pain, and two spells to disarm an opponent. His mother sent him her old copy of Advanced Potions, and a very short letter asking about school. Lucius sent a long letter about his holiday with his family and how his brother's new wife looked remarkably like a cat the family once owned. Lily sent him a Christmas card and to his dismay, she signed it "your friend" (but he told himself that this could very much be Lily's idea of a joke). Severus took a lot of walks around the castle and often had to put up with the overly kind gamekeeper Hagrid, who seemed very eager to show anyone at all his very ugly new puppy. Finally Severus told Hagrid that he hated animals, and Hagrid seemed a lot less happy to see him after that.<p>

Lily spent half of her holiday in London, shopping with her family and visiting old friends. Petunia had stopped fighting with her and merely gave her the silent treatment. Lily got a load of gifts, and kept in touch with Frank, Alice, Muruvi, Remus and Severus. She and Mary still were not speaking and truth be told, she liked it better that way. From what Muruvi said, Mary continued to talk non-stop about Sirius. Lily passed by Severus' house several times during break. It was odd to know he was not there. Lily had become quite used to Severus' eager face showing up at her doorstep every day of break. The house at the end of Spinner's End was always dark, as though it was abandoned. Once, though, Lily caught a glimpse of a man she took to be Severus' father. He was staring out of the window, holding back the dirty curtains. He was tall and thin with a hooked nose and wore a contemptuous sort of expression on a face that could have been gloomily interesting were it not so mean-looking. On that occasion, Lily hurried home.

When she returned from break, she made sure to send Severus an owl before she departed for Hogwarts. She asked for him to meet her in the student lounge on the second floor, and when he entered the room, she flung her arms around him. He gave her a funny sort of smile and pushed her away instantly. "Hey you," he said.

"Afraid I'll give you the cooties?" she teased, although she was a bit hurt at his reaction. "Happy Christmas then. Late," she added.

"Happy Christmas," he said, adjusting his robes. "How were things?"

"They were okay but I missed you," she replied.

"Come off it," he said, his eyes darting back and forth.

"You're acting kind of off," she said.

"Thanks a lot," he said dryly. "Missed me, have you? More like you missed making fun of me."

"Shut up, Sev," she said.

"Oh good," came a voice behind them. "The lovebirds are back together!"

They turned around to see James and Sirius grinning. "Oh, Sevy!" Sirius shouted. "I'm nothing without you! Why don't you two go steady all ready?"

"DON'T!" Severus yelled, and blasted Sirius with a curse. Sirius doubled over, moaning.

"Oh my Godric—what've you _done _to me?" Sirius groaned, and tears of pain rolled down his face.

Lily looked from Severus to Sirius. James did the same, and opted to go to Sirius' aid instead. "What's he done, mate? What's wrong?"

"My stomach," Sirius wailed. "Aaaaarrrghhh—"

"Severus, put him right!" Lily pleaded, standing precisely between the two boys and Severus, looking back and forth.

"I—I don't know how," Severus said, cringing.

"What kind of dolt uses spells he doesn't know how to fix!" James said loudly.

"Think, Severus!" Lily yelled.

"Wait—I'm remembering something—_Abdomin—Abdomina? Abdomino!" _Severus yelled, pointing his wand.

Sirius stopped screaming in pain, and breathed out heavily. A small group of students returning from holidays gathered around them.

"What's all this?" asked Professor McGonagall curtly.

"Professor, Sn—Snape just used a curse on Sirius, he fixed him but only after Evans made him!" James was speaking very fast, and pointing at Severus.

"Snape. Is this true?" McGonagall asked.

Severus did not even hesitate this time. McGonagall was a million times more observant than Slughorn. He nodded his head, and then hung it.

"Come along, Snape. I expected better of you. Twenty points will be taken from Slytherin, as this is not the first time I have heard of you hallway dueling."

"But Professor," Lily said, "Severus _did_ do it, but Sirius was making fun—"

"Miss Evans, I admire your concern, but hallway dueling is against the rules and given that Black could have been hurt, I must do this. For everyone's safety. Now will you and Mr. Potter take Mr. Black to the hospital wing, just in case?"

James made an obvious sound of triumph and shot Snape a dirty look.

"And if you think for one instant that this means you are innocent, Potter, you would do best to think again. I may not know the full situation but I know you well enough to understand that there is more to this than meets the eye," said McGonagall.

James sighed. "Yes, Professor." Lily and James glared at each other, but Lily finally made her way toward her fellow Gryffindors. Severus was so stooped over that his curtains of hair were hiding his face as he followed McGonagall.

"How dare you stick up for him!" James hissed.

"Black wasn't innocent," Lily said.

"Yeah, but Snivellus shouldn't have cursed him!"

"Black was being a jerk!"

"That's right," said Sirius, giving a huge fake grin. "Carry on your conversation. I'm not here to speak for myself anyway."

* * *

><p>"You're Lucius' friend," said Narcissa one weekend morning as Severus and nearly every book he owned were splayed out on the common room couch. She was wearing only a silk robe. Her legs were long, thin, and very white. Her toenails were painted a pale gold.<p>

Severus looked up and stared. Narcissa looked uncomfortable, and cast her gaze downward. "Is that a question?" Severus asked quietly, unable to take his eyes off her legs.

Narcissa shook her head slowly from side to side. "Does he say anything about me?" she wanted to know.

Severus rolled his eyes and looked back at his Potions notes. "I don't know," he said. "Not that I remember."

"Oh," said Narcissa, looking crestfallen. "Never?"

"Never," Severus snapped.

Narcissa did not seem put off by Severus' rude tone of voice, for she pushed his books to the side and sat next to him on the couch, wrapping her arms around her legs. Severus wondered if her robe would ride up over her pants… Or if she was wearing any pants at all. "Bellatrix says I shouldn't waste my time with him. But Bellatrix can be a little odd."

Severus looked up, making eye contact with her. Her eyes were dark blue and sad. He looked at her, forgetting her legs and body, and wondering why she was acting so peculiar. "You know about them," he said.

"Yes," Narcissa nodded.

"And you're still interested in Lucius?" Severus asked. It was a silly question. Of course she was.

Narcissa did not say anything for quite awhile, and then she spoke again: "There aren't many Purebloods, which I'm sure you know. Families talk. I'm surprised you haven't been promised someone yet. Or have you?" Her expression clouded over, as though she'd just thought of something terrible.

"Promised someone?" Severus asked.

Narcissa nodded, giving him a strange look. "For marriage. Usually the families of pure-blooded boys look early—"

"Oh yes," Severus said stupidly. "Well… I suppose it's because there aren't many left, like you said."

"I'm not promised," Narcissa went on, and Snape was wondering whether she was only talking to hear the sound of her own voice. "Neither is Andromeda, although that's not a surprise. My parents say I'm too young. But now they think Bella is too old. She doesn't keep any men for very long."

Severus wondered what would happen if he was a Pureblood and he and Narcissa Black were promised to each other. She was only a year his senior after all. He thought about her disrobing, her body bright white like the moon, her blonde hair hanging down her back. His ears turned pink and he disappeared behind his book. _There are better times for that. _

"Well, I'm sorry to bother you," said Narcissa. Her tone was gentle.

"You didn't," Severus said, but he said it so quietly that he hardly believed she could hear him. After all, she was all ready heading back to the dormitories.

* * *

><p>"Mary's just jealous of you, Lily," said Muruvi during Charms. Mary was sitting next to Lancelot Abbott and giggling loudly at everything he said.<p>

"Why would she be?" Lily asked.

Muruvi's bronze complexion became rosy. "She says she thinks you're hoity toity. And a bossy boots. But I know it's because she's jealous."

"I don't really want to know what kinds of things she thinks about me. I think she's daft," Lily said.

"But she wishes her body was like yours," said Muruvi, turning more and more scarlet.

"Like what?" Lily snapped.

"She said she didn't mean to see you, but she saw you changing in our room last month and you've got… well, she _said _you've got boobs and she said she wished she had more of a chest," Muruvi said quickly into Lily's ear.

Lily turned scarlet. "I do not! Anyway, that's a dumb thing to be mad at me for!"

Muruvi nudged Lily, as Flitwick approached their table to check on how their expanding charm was going. Lily was incensed and embarrassed for the entire period. Mary had a chest, which she was always bringing up to their group of Gryffindor girls. And Lily had been wearing the bra her mother had gotten her before start of term but she hadn't really _thought _about it since her mother brought up. She stared down at the two breasts that made small lumps in the front of her robes. If Mary had noticed, then who else had?

There had been whispers lately, whispers about things even more awkward than the romantic slop Mary was so obsessed with. James and Sirius often whispered and laughed when they saw any older students necking in the halls, and Scarlet said she swore that she'd seen Peter checking out Jasmeet's bum in the hallway. Severus was mostly the same, save for his funny voice and accusations like the one about her liking Remus. Lily had simply decided that all of the boys were going crazy but now she was not so sure what was really happening. She thought back, terrified, to Mother's discussion with her about dating and sex. _No matter what, don't listen to the boys. Wizard boys are probably no different. You are much too young for dates, so if a boy asks you, say politely 'No thank you.' _Lily had been mortified at the thought—what kind of loser said 'No thank you' to a date, just because their mum made them promise to? There had to be a better way of dealing with things. And the thought of sex was even more baffling. The way Lily's mother described it, it was an uncomfortable act only suitable for married couples. It sounded enigmatic and odd.

That evening, Lily looked at herself in the bathroom mirror after brushing her teeth. She made a fake smile. It was nice she'd been born with good teeth, and she had always liked her eyes. Her dark red hair was sometimes obnoxious, being that she'd been made fun for it of in elementary school but it was manageable—not too straight or curly, and it was long now. It went past her shoulders and curled up at the ends. She studied her face. _Am I pretty? _she thought. There were pretty older girls, like the Ravenclaw beater Yuko Kimura and Sirius' cousin Narcissa. Lily did not look like them at all. Knowing what she was leading up to, she blushed but did it anyway: she cupped each of her breasts in her small hands. She could hold each comfortably in her hands but now that she thought about it, they had gotten bigger and in a short amount of time too. She pulled off her top and studied her whole body in the mirror. So, Mary was jealous of her? Lily felt accomplished, in an odd way. She blew a kiss at herself and laughed.

That weekend, Lily was hyper aware of how she looked and whether or not anyone else was noticing her. She wore a sweater that had fit perfectly last fall, a green cardigan that matched her eyes. Now, it pulled tight across the chest. She looked at people as she walked by, gauging their reactions, both apprehensive and interested in getting a response. Part of her felt absolutely foolish for caring. The other part she did not completely understand yet. Older students she'd never met stared back at her dubiously, uninterested in her. James and Sirius had no reaction toward her that was out of the ordinary, and Remus only spoke to her to ask about homework. After dinner though, Mulciber and Avery walked past her laughing.

"Nice tits, Evans," Mulciber said through clenched teeth, as his eyes wandered down her front.

Lily glared at him and pushed through the crowd, wrapping her arms around her chest.

* * *

><p>"Think it's fair to attack me, do you? Think you can get away with it, you slimeball?" Sirius said to Severus in the dungeons.<p>

Snape threw a glance over his shoulder at the Potions classroom. It was far enough away that everything Black was saying was out of earshot of Slughorn. "I didn't get away with anything. They took away points and I had a talking to. So leave me alone," Severus said quietly, his black eyes narrowed.

Black looked around, and then said, _"Petrif—"_

But Snape cut him off: _"Expelliarmus!" _

Black's wand flew out of his hands.

"_Scarifio," _Snape said. It was another new one, one he'd only picked up the day before.

Sirius pawed at his arms. "Ouch! What _is _this? OW!"

"It's mimicking the feeling of scratches," said Severus proudly.

"What kind of freak are you anyway? JAMES!" Sirius yelped, "Grab my wand!"

Potter had appeared in the hallway, and at once did what he was told, handing it to Sirius. "Do the laughing one, Sirius! Do it!"

Peter popped up. It was unclear at first where he'd been hidden but he was awfully small compared to James and Sirius, and had been behind them. "Do it!"

_"Chuckalphia," _Sirius barked, and Severus doubled over, hooting with laughter, which was so uncharacteristic of him that both Sirius and James also burst out laughing.

"Ha ha ha ha ha, _scourgify, _ha ha—" Snape managed to get out.

Soap bubbles floated out of Sirius' mouth. James actually laughed at first, but then the bubbles thickened into a soapy paste. Sirius was choking.

"Uh—er—_rigerrightus," _James shouted, and Snape's right arm felt like it was burning.

Through the pain, Severus made a note to remember that one—he was impressed with Potter for knowing it. "Damn it! _Langlok!" _Snape yelled, and James was unable to speak, unable to curse him anymore.

Peter raised up his wand to Snape's face.

"I dare you, Pettigrew," Snape said, rubbing his arm. Peter lowered his wand and whimpered.

Sirius was on the floor, still choking. Fat bubbles spewed out of his mouth.

Severus stood there for a few minutes, and then muttered the countercurses calmly. Sirius spat out pink soapy bile and wiped his face on his sleeve.

Something shifted in James' face. He was breathing hard. "You knew the reverse all along, and you just wanted to watch him suffer for awhile," he said.

"Don't mess with me." Severus glared at him, and walked away briskly, past Mulciber and Avery who were watching in awe.

"Snape! Come back," Mulciber called and the two boys caught up to him, falling in step with his quick pace. "You really do know some good spells!"

"I told you I wasn't lying." Snape's tone was cold.

"Teach me," Mulciber said hungrily, his prim voice high. "Please teach me."

"Me too," said Avery. "I want to be better at dueling. Rosier does, too. We've wanted to start a dueling club for ages. We could join you and Lucius, maybe? And I'm awful at Defense Against the Dark Arts—"

"Yes, it would be nice to study with you," said Mulciber.

Snape halted, and considered this prospect. He was sure that all they wanted out of him was a few lessons, hoping that they'd quickly surpass him and not need him anymore. Would offering his services lower him? Would he be weak to do so? And furthermore, what if they actually wanted to be friends? Severus felt embarrassed for thinking it. _Stupid, _he thought, _but if they did… It would be different. _ Not that he cared for them very much (Mulciber was spoiled and demanding, Avery was bold and boasting and Rosier was tactless and selfish) but it was pathetic to have his housemates laughing at him along with everyone else in the school. Still, this could be a golden opportunity.

"The dueling's a maybe. I'll have to ask Lucius. I will help you on your homework," Severus said, "but I'll charge you a Galleon per hour."

The other boys nodded rapidly. _Manors, house elves, new robes and sweets, _thought Severus. _They hardly blinked when I asked for payment. Shit heads. _


	5. Way Down

**Author's Note:** Lots of thanks for the reviews so far, especially to ConquererWorm and Silver Sailor Ganymede for the constructive and detailed things they've said. I recommend their stories to anyone who is interested in Slytherins and well-written fic- I have enjoyed reading their stories within this month. Also thank you to those of you who are favorite-ing and adding to alerts, though I wish I could know your thoughts. This chapter was especially difficult to write and edit, because I want to make certain that the timeline of events in Snape and Lily's friendship matches up enough to events revealed in DH while still accomplishing the more adult themes I wish to present. To be safe, I've changed the rating to mature, but this chapter is quite innocent in the grand scheme of this fic. It's a very relationship-oriented chapter—Severus and Lily have both just turned thirteen, and their bond is quickly changing. I think I'll mention here that there are a few things in my fics that have always been my "head canon". For one, Lucius has always had an elder brother who outshines him, and Severus a teenage sister (originally, I based this on his memory from OotP where a girl is laughing at him as he rides a bucking broomstick, but in this fic, the situation will be much different). You'll see both of them soon. I hope that these long chapters are not too annoying. Give me feedback if they are—maybe I can find a way to better break up the events. I was going to put in more Marauders, but it makes sense to me that their sparring with Snape will _really _get bad come third year when they are all a bit more mature, which will be next.

* * *

><p>Chapter Five: Way Down<p>

_Second Year: January—End of term_

"_Getting off, getting off_

_while they're all downstairs,_

_singing prayers, sing away_

_He's in my pumpkin p.j.s."_

-TORI AMOS

* * *

><p>"…And you saw Flint, right? I mean, obviously it was a mistake on his part, but it definitely bought me some time—and Lucius Malfoy! Blimey! I would have thought he'd been tougher on the field but it's just like Rosie coached me—his temper gets in the way of his playing! I can't believe he stopped blocking me all because Brown beat him to that point…" James Potter was giving a play-by-play to all of the second year Gryffindors as they marched up the staircase to their evening Astronomy lesson.<p>

"Bloody hell, Potter, what a great way to win the game!" congratulated a passing Hufflepuff boy, giving James a thumbs-up.

"Slytherin ate dirt, Potter!" agreed Sampson Garfield, a Ravenclaw sixth year.

James grinned at them brightly. "Thanks!" he said, and pushed his bangs out of his face. He turned back to his peers. "So as I was saying, Malfoy—"

"…plays like a Bludger-throwing pansy?" Sirius filled in, laughing amusedly. "Look, James, we were all there, we all saw it. Well, those of us with lives…" He looked at Lily playfully.

"I can't help it if I've been loaded down with work," she said, shrugging. "But it's not like I have to actually _be _at the games, with the way you babble on and on, Potter—"

"Evans, I can't _believe _you weren't there," James yelled, shaking his fists at the sky, for what was about the tenth time that week. "You need to be at the next match! You _need _to! I'll write to Snivelly and ask permission for you to leave his company for a day. Then will you go?"

"I can do what I want to do," Lily replied, "I don't need his permission to do anything." It was true; Severus was always available, and seemed to be free to do anything that Lily wanted.

Mary whispered something to Scarlet and the other girl giggled.

"If you have something to say, Mary, then I think you should just say it to me," Lily snapped. Things had gotten worse between the girls. Lily wondered if Mary was still jealous of her. Lily had begun to spend just a touch more time on her appearance, brushing her hair out and keeping it straight rather than braiding it or sticking it back into a ponytail. And from what Lily had heard, Mary's very brief relationship with Lance Abbott had ended abruptly after he'd noticed her writing _Mrs. Sirius Black _in the corner of her Defense Against the Dark Arts essay. Whatever the case was, life in the dorm rooms had gotten much more difficult since winter break. Muruvi was Lily's number one ally now, but even she had her doubts about Snape.

"It _was_ quite a good game, James!" said Peter awkwardly, clearly not really aware of what was going on.

Scarlet cast Lily a sideways glance. "Mary thinks Snivellus _does _own you. She says you've been brainwashed by him—"

"Brainwashed?" scoffed Lily. "Just because he's not—"

"Oh shut up, you lot," said Alice, hurrying ahead of Peter and linking arms with Lily, creating a space between her and Mary. Alice was quite good to have in a tight situation—she was direct but sunny enough that no one seemed to be offended by her. "You all should just forgive each other and stop this fight! If you can even call it a fight! Snape's a little odd, Lily doesn't mind—end of story!"

"Well, when you put it that way, it almost makes sense!" said Sirius. James laughed.

"I'll forgive her when she forgives me," said Mary.

"I've nothing to be forgiven for!" said Lily.

Sirius and James both made faces at each other. "Riiight," said James slowly. "So anyway, about my Quidditch game—"

The other Gryffindors laughed while Mary and Lily walked in angry silence. _Who does she think she is?_ thought Lily. _She doesn't know Severus like I do. And he hasn't brainwashed me! I even asked him about the Mudblood thing, and he said he went to Lucius about it! I may be Muggle-born but I'm not stupid, and Mary has just as much said I was! How is that being a friend? At least Severus doesn't treat me like I'm daft…_

Astronomy took place on the top most tower of Hogwarts castle, and was taught by Professor Silvania Lovegood, an old witch who bragged about being one hundred and fifteen and _"still able to hop on and off me broom!"._ There was a large flat balcony capable of accommodating several dozen students, as well as telescopes on the perimeter that, when twisted and pulled, gave detailed information on the solar system. Beginning Astronomy was simply getting to know the stars, drawing the solar system and being tested on which constellations were which. Many students attempted to sleep during the night lesson, that is, if they could drown out the sound of Lovegood's peg leg that cracked against the stone floor as she hobbled in and out of the clusters of students, asking questions and initiating conversation.

Lily lay next to Muruvi and Alice, rolling her eyes at Mary and Scarlet, who were giggling at something Sirius was saying. And judging by the way Sirius was hunched over with his dark hair falling in his face, he was doing one of his Gryffindor-famous impersonations of Snape.

"They're so cruel," Lily whispered to Muruvi and Alice. "Severus wouldn't like it if he knew they were doing that—"

"Well, Severus doesn't like much of anything, Lily," said Alice politely.

Muruvi's brown eyes were wide and she shrugged. "I don't want to be involved in this tonight," she said.

Lily sighed, irritated at all of them. "Look, I think what we need to do is start all hanging out together. We could sit next together at the Quidditch matches, or work on Potions together, or—"

Professor Lovegood clomped past them, beginning her lecture.

"Thank Godric," whispered Alice. "No offense, Lily, but these little plans you make up always sound too good to be true."

Lily crossed her arms and stared up at the night sky. She figured that all she needed to do was get everyone together, and they could all try to be friends. Severus could do with some more friends. _Better _friends. Lily was worried that Severus was beginning to fall into a sort of rotten crowd. He was often hanging out with Lucius. Although Lucius had not spoken directly to her since the "Mudblood" situation, he often sneered widely and waved his fingers at her mockingly. Besides, he was downright snotty to her friends and seemed to go out of his way to catch non-Slytherin students doing things wrong. Severus had also told her he'd been helping Mulciber, Avery and Rosier on their homework, and after the incident with Mulciber referring to her "nice tits", Lily had been embarrassed to even see him in classes, let alone know her best friend was spending more time with him than he had to. Mulciber was Severus' dorm mate all ready. Lily wondered if they ever spoke about girls the way Lily's dorm mates spoke about boys. If Severus was interested in anyone, he did not say though with the way he constantly referred to romantic interaction as "gross", she doubted he would. Still, there were quite a few nice looking girls in Slytherin. Astrid Greengrass was a raven-haired beauty in fourth year who led study sessions on Runes on Saturdays—was _that_ why Severus insisted on going? Rosier was a little bit uncouth but had short, stylish hair and wore pressed designer robes that she bragged had been hand-tailored by elves. Lily wondered if perhaps that was why Severus had offered her lessons in Defense Against the Dark Arts. She felt a little pang of envy. Severus wouldn't teach her dueling and hadn't shown her how to do any curses—and Rosier was as much of a girl as she was (with that annoying little giggle, maybe moreso!), so _that _couldn't be the issue (and if gender _was_ the issue, Severus should have known by now that Lily was not faint-hearted). Yes, she'd definitely need to press this matter. After all, if Severus was interested in someone, Lily wanted to be the first to know about it.

She tried to clear her mind and listen to Lovegood's lecture, which focused on the full moon (it was out that night) and the importance of reading and tracking moon patterns, in general. The moon looked enormous from the tower, silver and bright. After class, Lily stared after Sirius and Mary who were walking side-by-side and chatting. James was skipping around them singing an obnoxious song he'd made up while Peter laughed.

"I hope Remus gets better," Lily heard Mary say. "He told me he wasn't doing too well…"

* * *

><p>"What's that you've got?" Severus asked Mulciber in Charms class, trying to be included. Mulciber was bent over a piece of parchment snickering, and Avery was red in the face from trying not to laugh.<p>

Since the dueling incident with James and Sirius, Severus had been approached by his dorm mates quite a bit more. Though they were far more interested in his knowledge than him, it had felt good to have a group to be part of. Severus edited their work, critiqued their ideas, and often made at least six Galleons a week that he was saving in an old pouch under his mattress. He was hoping that by the end of the year, he could purchase his own Potions set so he wouldn't always have to borrow Lily's—or perhaps his very own owl, although that might be expensive. Rosier drove Severus insane most of the time. She asked a lot of questions and was set on proving that she was one of the boys so much that her jokes always got vulgar quickly and she postured a lot to act tough. Avery was loud-mouthed and obnoxious but could be sort of interesting at times and Mulciber was the most palatable. His prim voice reminded Severus of Lucius, and he was rather intelligent. Still, Severus had found that even Mulciber's sense of humor bordered on boorish much of the time. Today was no exception.

"Lily Evans got a little Christmas gift over break so this is a picture I'm drawing for her to celebrate," explained Mulciber quietly. He pushed over a crude drawing of a girl with huge breasts that had great pink nipples the size of sickles. It did not remotely resemble Lily, except for some carelessly drawn red hair.

Severus stared at the drawing, half-affronted and half-intrigued. "She has green eyes," he managed to say. "Not blue."

Mulciber gave him a very pained look. "What about the boobs?" he asked.

"Yes, what about the boobs?" asked Avery. "I drew the nipples!" he added, as though it were a crowning achievement in the world of grotesque doodles.

"I didn't expect for you lot to have an interest in drawing such things. That's all," Severus said, clearing his throat, but his ears went red. He'd noticed Lily's newly developed breasts, yes, but the obscene drawing made her look much more mature and really did not remind him of her at all. Still, he kept staring at it. "You've made her face much too round," he said.

"Art critic," scowled Mulciber.

"Why are you drawing this anyway?" Severus asked, and his tone was decidedly more annoyed. "Do you fancy her or something?"

Mulciber chortled, rolling his eyes. "No. I like her breasts, though—"

"And you?" snapped Severus to Avery.

Avery made a rude sound like a balloon deflating. "No way! Isn't she a Muggle-born?" he asked.

"It's a shame she is," Mulciber said. "She's quite good to look at."

Severus glared.

"Why are _you _acting so touchy, Snape?" Avery asked. "You're the one who hangs around her the most! Have a thing for Mudbloods, do you?"

Severus paled, but it was Mulciber who spoke: "More like he wants to get a good long peek at those tits. Right, Snape? I mean, it's not like I blame you. My father said Mudbloods are _good for looking, but not for booking_."

"We just study together," Severus said, his face a little more wan than usual. "She lives near me at home… I didn't know she was a Mud—"

"We _know, _Snape," said Avery. "Don't get your knickers in a twist. But don't play innocent. We know you like girls, we've heard you in the dorm—"

"What?" Snape asked.

Avery made an obscene gesture by shaking his fist up and down vertically. "Don't worry. I mean… everyone does it."

"I—I—er—don't," Snape sputtered, vaguely mortified.

"Actually, I've never heard you, but now I know for _certain_ that you like to wank off," Avery said, dissolving into loud laughter.

Severus' ears turned so red that they looked to be on fire. "That was unfair—"

"Who cares?" asked Mulciber. "We all do it."

"All do what?" Rosier wanted to know, having just returned from the loo. She plopped back down between Snape and Avery. "What do you do?"

"Masturbate," hooted Avery.

Severus put his hood over his head and cradled his face in his hands.

Rosier let out her signature high-pitched cackle and shoved Snape's shoulder.

"Don't touch me," he hissed.

"You boys are such perverts," she said appreciatively, ignoring his bitter tone. "Ah, what's this?" She snatched the parchment out of Severus' hands. "_Oooh, _Evans is looking _good!" _She laughed delightedly. "This must be your artwork, Vincent."

Mulciber gave a little bow.

"Everything about her looks wrong," Snape said.

"I've an idea," Rosier said, ignoring Snape again, taking out her quill and adding with a flourish, '_To Evans, with love from Longbottom'._

Avery and Mulciber laughed, and Severus had to at least applaud Rosier for picking Frank as the sender. It was ridiculous enough to be slightly funny. Longbottom was practically the nicest bloke in their year. It made Severus a little sick.

"I'll deliver it," Rosier said, and headed toward the group of Gryffindor girls, swinging her hips.

"Wait!" Severus choked out in a whisper. He turned to Mulciber. "If she's going to deliver it, it's obvious it's not from Longbottom!"

"Don't look so panicked, Snape. That isn't the point," grinned Mulciber, leaning back in his chair and watching the scene play out.

Rosier placed the drawing between the two girls, saying loudly," Frank wanted for you to have this." She walked back over to the table of Slytherin boys, her hand over her mouth suppressing giggles.

Muruvi buried her face in her hands, and Lily's shoulders scrunched up. She elbowed Remus, whose head had been lolling back like he was nodding off. Remus snapped awake and she whispered something to him. He rubbed his eyes, turned around and poked Frank Longbottom, who started shaking his head rapidly. Mary MacDonald grabbed the drawing and stared at it. Lily snatched it back, her eyes wide. Xing Chang made a dramatic show of waving his arms and pointing back to where the Slytherins sat. Rosier's laugh rang out, like an obnoxious tolling bell. Mulciber and Avery began to snicker. Lily wheeled around, and the two Slytherin boys tried hard to pull straight faces, but failed, continuing to laugh. Lily's furious gaze shifted to Severus, who hunched his shoulders and feigned ignorance. But then Lily stood up and made her way to their table, her red hair swaying and her feet stomping.

Severus, Mulciber and Avery all gave each other wide-eyed glances, and Avery continued to laugh nervously.

"Which one of you made the drawing?" Lily snapped.

Mulciber's tone was cool and calm. "Ask Longbottom. He's been on about you all morning." His expression widened into a toothy sneer.

"You and your new boobies," said Avery, giggling.

Lily's eyes flashed. "Frank wouldn't draw that! I know it was you, Mulciber!"

"Do you like it?" Mulciber asked innocently, waggling his eyebrows.

Lily's cheeks flushed, and turned to Severus. "And what part did _you _have in this?"

"None," muttered Severus. "None at all."

"Thanks a lot," mouthed Avery, nudging Snape hard in the ribs.

"Actually," Mulciber said, "Snape checked for accuracy. He said the boobs weren't big enough so I fixed them. Really couldn't have done it without him."

"Shut up," Snape whispered loudly. "No, I didn't! I didn't, Lily!" His black eyes were wide and pleading. He did not care in that moment how he looked to his Slytherin classmates. He just did not want Lily blaming him for the crude drawing.

Lily glared at them. "If you don't leave me alone, Vincent Mulciber, I'm going to report you to Dumbledore! And Slughorn!"

"Be sure to show them the drawing," said Rosier. "I'll bet they'll like it, too!"

Lily's face became extremely red, clashing with her hair. She held up the drawing and flicked her wand at it so that it ripped into a million tiny shreds. "I can't believe you, Severus," she said. "I thought we were friends." She stomped out of the room, her arms folded tightly across her chest.

Professor Flitwick made a motion to go check on her but then got distracted because Peter Pettigrew had just started a small fire.

Mary stood up and seemed to hesitate, and marched across the classroom. _"You lot_," she said, glaring daggers at the table of Slytherins, "are a bunch of complete and utter berks! How dare you draw that picture! Especially you, Rosier! I'm sure you're just jealous because you're flat-chested!"

Rosier's mouth hung open as Mary left the classroom. "What a cow!" she said, but Severus noticed how she tugged on the front of her robes a bit. Feeling torn, he looked toward the door and then back to the Slytherins. Wordlessly, he got up and walked out of the classroom.

When he got into the hallway, he heard Lily talking angrily from the girls' bathroom. He took a deep breath and then walked right in. Mary had her arm around Lily, whose face was still rather red.

"_Ew!" _shrieked a voice, and a little ghost girl hopped out of the sink. "A boy!" Severus frowned at her and she dove back down the sink.

Mary and Lily turned to face Severus, both glaring at him, too. "What do you want?" snapped Mary. "You are really worse than I thought—"

"Mary," said Severus, his voice insistent, "it wasn't me, I tried to stop them, I really did." That wasn't quite true, but he _had _stalled them. He walked toward the girls and Mary held Lily a little closer, waggling her finger at Snape.

"You'd do best to go away," she said dangerously.

"I want to hear what he has to say," Lily told the other girl, and her face was solemn.

Relieved, Severus faced the girls, his eyebrows raised. "I couldn't stop them. It was Mulciber, he's a bit of a pervert it seems, and Rosier—she's the one who wanted to give it to you, and she signed Frank's name." Severus was speaking very quickly, his eyes wide, his hands flailing around to gesture his seriousness.

"How can we really know he's telling the truth?" Mary asked, shooting Severus a glower. "You just said it yourself, Lil, he's been hanging around them more and more—"

"You don't know me, MacDonald—I'm not lying. I see Lily _way _more than you do, in fact I thought the two of you weren't speaking!" Severus snapped.

"We just made up," said Lily and Mary nodded, smiling.

_Girls, _Severus thought. "Still, I'm not lying! I was saying what really happened. Anyway, you saw me—I wasn't laughing at all, Lily. I didn't think it was funny! Please believe me-"

"I guess he does seem like it," said Mary, but her tone still carried a note of skepticism.

"I believe you, Severus," nodded Lily. "I'm just… well, I'm just embarrassed, I guess." Her face went red again. "I can't believe they drew that—"

"It didn't look like you, anyway," said Severus.

Mary patted Lily's shoulder. "He's right. It didn't. You're much prettier."

"Much more clothed," added Severus.

Mary raised her eyebrows at him. "Okay… You can go now, Snape."

"Thanks, Sev," said Lily. "Just… just try and forget you ever saw that drawing, all right?"

Severus nodded and backed out of the bathroom. When he got back to class, he lied and told his housemates that he had convinced Lily and Mary that Frank Longbottom had done the drawing.

That night, Severus tried to respect Lily's wishes for him to forget Mulciber's depiction of her but poorly drawn as it was, he couldn't get it out of his head. And even worse, he mentally moved past the scribble and began to imagine the _actual _Lily naked, something he'd done before in privacy but had not ever been so aware of. Lily was his best friend, and it felt very odd to think of her in this fashion, but Severus could not stop himself. She wasn't Bellatrix or Narcissa, but she was more within his reach in terms of imagining touching her. _She would kill you if she found out, _he thought guiltily, _kill you and then give you a good telling off. I guess Mulciber has a point though. She is good looking, and yes, I do quite like her chest. _ He stared up at the green canopy that covered his bed, very aware of the erection he was getting. He adjusted his pajama bottoms, and flipped over on his side. _Ugh. Not again. And now everyone knows I wank—though I guess it's like Mulciber said, they do it too—I wonder if everyone _does _do it. I'd ask Lucius but… No, he'd laugh at me. Why is this happening? Lily's my friend. _

The breasts kept popping up in his mind though, and he thought about being close to Lily—the times when they played and pushed each other, in the summer when she'd tackled him for scaring her… He imagined her doing that now, with her new breasts filling out her shirt, the nipples the size of sickles, pert. At this mental image, his hand quickly moved inside his pajamas, and he took his member in his hand, quickly pulling it up and down. _"Severus, tell me about Azkaban," she'd say, and I'd say, "You're way too pretty for Azkaban." And she'd say, "Thanks for sticking up for me in class today, Severus. You really showed them." And I'd say, "Anything for you, Lily." And, studying Potions after class, and holding my hand, and she says "Well done, Severus" and I touch her down there, whatever's down there I touch… _ He released and felt the end result, wet and warm, in his palm.

_She's _definitely _going to kill me, _was his last thought before crumpling into a disconsolate ball and falling asleep.

* * *

><p>"Mary, it was really nice of you to help me today even after we'd been rowing," said Lily after dinner. Her Gryffindor housemates had done a lot that day to make her feel better: Alice had let Lily borrow her special quill, Muruvi had asked Rosier for her piece of their friendship bracelet back, Sirius made a doodle of Mulciber with a small sausage for a member (this did not make Lily feel better, but it was quite humorous to look at), and Frank had "accidentally" dumped liquid warts down Avery's front in Potions. But the best was Mary, who had really come around and stood up for Lily despite their differences.<p>

The black-haired girl smiled. "You're my best mate, even if you do have terrible taste when it comes to Severus. I guess I'll just try to put up with him. But if he so much as looks at you shifty, I'm not going to trust him."

Lily gave her a hug and grinned. "Thanks, Mary. I'm glad we're talking again."

"Me too," Mary said. "I have sooo much to update you on! Sirius and I have been hanging out, mostly we talk about Quidditch. We like the same team—the Harpees! And he's rubbish in History of Magic because he always falls asleep so I trade him my notes for his Defense Against the Dark Arts essays, and then we go over our work to make it look like we didn't copy each other! And he and James are so funny, and Remus is the sweetest, and Peter… Well, he's Peter—_oh, _and I never got to tell you about Lance! Well, we had a good run but he got awfully jealous that I hang round so many blokes, and I just don't like jealousy, it's no good for a relationship, and so I binned him, but _before _I binned him…" Mary paused dramatically and smiled. "We _kissed," _she said so loudly in Lily's ear that Lily's shoulders tensed up.

"Really?" asked Lily, despite herself. "How was it?"

"It was good. I mean, he was very nervous and extremely sweet. It kind of annoyed me, really. I had to basically grab his face and force my tongue in his mouth!" Mary said loudly.

"You kissed with _tongues?" _Lily asked.

"Well, yes," said Mary. "It was really, really interesting. I miss the kissing, but I don't miss him so much. I think Sirius and I are on a good path, and if we're not, there's always Remus, ooh—he's _mysterious—"_

"Severus thought Remus fancied me," Lily said without thinking.

"What?" Mary yelled, grabbing Lily's hand. "When? Why?"

Lily thought for a moment. "Erm… Before Christmas break? Severus saw some letters Remus wrote me over last summer and he got all weird about them-"

"YOU NEVER TOLD ME!" squealed Mary. "Ooh! This is so exciting! You two should definitely go together! Oh, it would be ever so cute! What did his letters say? I want to see them! Please Lily! Show me!" And then more dangerously, "SHOW ME!"

Lily shook her head. "The letters are just letters… Sev wasn't thinking right. And anyway, I don't fancy him like that. It's like I told Severus, we're only friends. Remus is very smart and kind but I'm not interested, so if you are, you should—"

But Mary cut her off. "Oh, but you'd be such a good couple! I can ask Sirius, he spends a lot of time with Remus—and… Wait. What does _Snape_ care if you fancy him or not?"

"Severus gets like that about things sometimes. It's just who he is. We're best friends—I mean, he's my best _bloke _friend," she corrected, at Mary's obviously wary expression, "and I think he was worried he'd be replaced…"

"Sounds like someone _fancies _you, Lily," Mary said, and giggled. "I'll have to tell Sirius, that's too funny—"

"Who?" Lily asked, and then, "_Severus? _No! Severus doesn't like me." She looked at Mary pointedly. "And don't tell Sirius anything."

"If he doesn't fancy you," said Mary," he sure does do a good job of acting like it. _Lily, it wasn't me! Lily, I didn't do it! Lily, Lily! Oh Lily!" _ She furrowed her brow and puckered her lips.

Lily rolled her eyes and laughed. "Ha! Severus doesn't fancy me. I know that for a fact."

"For your sake, I hope not. Can you imagine snogging Severus Snape?" Mary said, and pretended to choke herself.

Lily _did _imagine it for a second, and she blushed. Mary was right. It was rather a bizarre mental image. She wondered if he'd put his tongue in her mouth. And what would he do with it once it got there? Would he keep his hands awkwardly at his side? Would he keep his eyes open? "No," Lily said instantly, and laughed. "I can't."

* * *

><p><em>"Arachumanchala," <em>bellowed Lucius, pointing his wand with a flourish at Severus' feet. They were dueling in the community study room in the dungeons, which Lucius had been reserving for them weekly. Although Mulciber and the others had asked about joining, Severus pretended like he did not understand their inquiry. The time spent dueling with Lucius was something Severus had come to savor—Lucius was _his _friend and he did not particularly want to share him with Mulciber, Avery and Rosier, who were all ready much cooler in the Slytherin social circle than he. He hated to think what might happen if Lucius ended up liking them more than him. Particularly Vincent Mulciber.

Severus' skin began to crawl, as though a million tiny spiders were crawling up his body and biting him. His neck, legs, feet, and neck tingled with pain. He pulled up his left sleeve, scratching with pain, and realized that there were thousands of teeny, tiny welts.

"Lucius!" yelled Severus, breaking the flow of dueling for a moment. "This is awful—it's so _bloody great_!"

"Learned it from my brother. He used to use it on me while I was sleeping. I had nightmares about getting eaten alive and would wake up to him laughing," Lucius said with a dark grin, posed with one foot in front of the other, his dark robes billowing around him. "So, how are you going to get me back? Quickly, Severus, come on—"

_"Proboscis mizzulus," _Severus said, gritting his teeth—the little pinpricks were aching, he felt feverish.

Lucius wiggled his nose and then covered it. "Damn it, Severus," he said, although he was sneering. "This is disgusting!" Yellow mucus leaked out of his nose as if he were in the midst of a terrible cold. His voice became nasally and he cleared his throat, pulling a handkerchief out of his robes and blowing his nose, disgusted. _"Ugh, ugh, ugh!"_ he exclaimed.

Severus snickered—the spider curse had worn off and his body had quit tingling. "You don't look so smart with bogies running all over your face," he said triumphantly.

Lucius' eyes flashed, the last of the snot dribbling down his otherwise dapper profile. Clearly he did not find that remark amusing. "I'll show you—_proboscis vino spurtus—"_

Out of Severus' hooked nose flowed a steady stream of dark blood. Severus leaned his head back; blood was dripping out of his nose, drenching his front, dribbling down his chin as though he'd been punched repeatedly. Through the blood, Severus' crooked teeth formed into a wide, appreciative leer, his coal eyes wide. "Whoa," he said, pinching his nose. "You must teach me how to get this one perfect, I wanna practice..."

Lucius conjured him a small towel and helped him clean up his robes. "I cannot believe you made snot run out of my nose. You really are a little arse."

Severus kept grinning. The door flung open.

"Helloooo, fellows!" exclaimed a merry voice, and then, much less cheerfully, "dear, dear, Snape, you look an ugly mess! Were you two brawling? Oh my!" Gilderoy Lockhart sashayed into the room, dressed in the school uniform of black robes but wearing a flashy royal blue scarf and matching blue dragon hide boots.

"No," snapped Severus, grimacing.

Lucius quickly patted his face again with the handkerchief, obviously making certain that he had gotten all of the bogies off. "Hello, Gilderoy," he simpered. "I daresay, if you had chosen a scarf one shade brighter, I'd be forced to think you were begging for attention."

Lockhart either misunderstood Lucius' tone or was a moron, because he threw back his head and gave a charming laugh that made Severus recoil in annoyance. "I thank you for that backwards compliment, Lucius. If you should like to borrow it sometime, you need only ask, though it may wash out your pale features. So tell me, if you weren't engaging in a fight, why is Snape all covered in blood?"

"Because I like blood," was Severus' retort as he glared at Lockhart.

Lockhart gave a dramatic shudder and forced a laugh. "How entirely gothic—how Slytherin! How sweet! Ha ha ha!"

Severus glowered and rolled his eyes. _Will nothing shut this bastard up?_

"I am teaching Severus how to properly duel," said Lucius, stepping toward Lockhart and patting Severus' shoulder," he is having some trouble with a few Gryffindor bullies."

Severus kicked Lucius lightly in the shin; he did not want Lockhart of all people knowing about their dueling, let alone the fact that Severus was getting picked on, although it really wasn't a secret. Lucius began to squeeze Severus' shoulder a bit _too _tightly.

Lockhart strode over, his blue eyes wide with concern. "Oh Snape! How abysmal. No wonder you clad yourself in such gloomy attire and slump your shoulders so! I also know how to duel. I could help, being that I've been dueling since I was quite young—my mother was ever _so _proud of me, I know hundreds of classic curses—"

"How young?" Lucius snapped, stepping in front of Severus, who peeked out from behind the blonde boy's shoulder.

"Four or five, I believe," Lockhart said, a finger on his chin as though in serious deep thought. "There are photographs, though they were possibly destroyed in the house fire that happened whilst I was living—"

"Four or five?" cut in Lucius softly, and then smiled, his tone syrupy and thick. "It's impressive you knew wandless magic that young, Gilderoy. Some _adult _wizards cannot master that! Isn't that amazing, Severus?"

Snape kept the same angry expression and said nothing. Lucius was so bent on proving Lockhart wrong but it really made no difference to Severus whether or not it was the truth. Lockhart was just an irritating bore.

Lockhart looked composed, but Snape noticed that his cheeks were a little bit pink. _Liar, liar, _thought Severus. Lockhart cleared his throat. "Well, you know, I was quite a smart child—"

"What do you want, anyway?" Snape interrupted, and he did not hide his impatience.

"Right, right, right!" Lockhart proclaimed, grinning widely again and turning to Lucius. "I was sent down here to find you by Astrid. She was wondering if you would like to meet up with us for a double date in Hogsmede this weekend, and I said, _Lucius has no girlfriend and it would pain me to remind him of that fact, but I shall ask anyway to appease you_—"

Lucius nodded abruptly. "That sounds quite good. I will be there."

Lockhart looked amused. "With whom, friend?" he paused and then guffawed. "With Snape?"

Severus glared up at them both. "Fuck you, Lockhart," he said.

"Who taught you that word?" said Lockhart, looking horrorstruck.

"Severus, you sound so common," Lucius said snootily. "Anyway, _Gilderoy,_ it should not surprise you to know that someone has been catching my fancy, and I hers. I shall go ask her right away. And we'll be going to Siren's Pointe," he added, referencing a very classy restaurant on the border of Hogsmede," I trust you can afford that?"

Lockhart beamed, and adjusted his scarf. "Oh, Lucius. You are positively too much. I cannot wait—that is, if you can convince the girl—"

"Well, come on then," Lucius said, and strode out of the door. Lockhart and Snape exchanged glances, and both followed after him. Severus had to see where Lucius was going with this, and he also was not keen on Lockhart moving in on his friendship with Lucius. Lockhart may have been debonair, but he was foolish when it came to dark magic. _Lucius and I actually have important things in common, _Severus thought bitterly, jogging after the older boys, _and besides, Lucius doesn't trust Lockhart enough to tell him stuff. _ He wanted to keep it that way.

They took the spiral staircase that led deeper into the dungeons, toward the Slytherin common room. Lucius gave the password, and then said, "Wait here." Severus crossed his arms; he wanted to be in on what was going on, but instead he was stuck standing outside of the common room with Gilderoy.

"Lucius really should not have taken up the reputation of lady killer last year," said Lockhart sadly. "He'll never date in this school again. Reputation is very important, Snape. Remember that."

Severus rolled his eyes and folded his arms.

Lucius emerged, and behind him was none other than Narcissa Black, her blue eyes wide with uncertainty.

She closed the portrait and looked, confused, at the three boys. "Why is Snape covered in blood?" she asked.

"Never mind that," said Lucius, and then, sort of menacingly," I brought you out here to ask you a question."

Severus watched Narcissa wince at Lucius' harsh tone. "Did I… am I in trouble?"

"No, I am here to ask you to accompany me on a date tomorrow to Siren's Pointe with Astrid and Gilderoy." It was more of a threat than an invitation, in Severus' opinion. Lucius nearly towered over the small girl, and she stared up at him as though he was going to reprimand her.

But suddenly, his tone seemed not to bother her so much. Her fair, pretty face lit up into a girlish smile. "Oh, Lucius!" she said seriously. "I—I—I'd absolutely _love _to!"

Severus stared at the way she was looking at Lucius; he was more than a little envious of Lucius' commanding and effortless way of speaking to her. Gilderoy wore an expression that was difficult to read, but it quickly formed into a toothy grin. "Excellent!" he said.

Lucius stared down at Narcissa and simpered. "Good. Be ready tomorrow—"

"What time?" she asked.

"I'll fetch you when I'm ready," Lucius said, with a wave of his hand.

"All—all right!" Narcissa nodded hastily.

"See you tomorrow," said Lucius with a little sneer, and then, tapping Severus on the shoulder a little harder than Severus thought necessary, he led the way up the stairs. Severus threw a backwards glance at Narcissa—she was staring up at them, wringing her hands and smiling.

As they walked up the stairs, Gilderoy gave an annoying "round of applause", forming a circle as he clapped his hands. "Well done, mate. Though, she is a bit young, isn't she? Third year?"

"Not too young," Lucius said, with a shrug. "Besides, she is extremely good looking."

"You do have a point there," said Gilderoy. "Don't you think so, Severus?"

"I have no opinion on that," Severus said stiffly, attempting desperately to hide the jealousy he was sure was evident on his face. There was nothing logical about it; he had absolutely no chance with Narcissa. But for Lucius to be dating yet another captivating girl—it made Severus feel quite young and laughable.

"No opinion on girls?" Lucius said contemptuously. "On the contrary, Severus is _very _interested in girls. It's all right, Severus. It's just us blokes."

Severus shot him a desperate look. Why was Lucius acting so embarrassing? It was as though he was doing it on purpose.

"You know, Snape," said Lockhart, "when I was a second year, I was knee deep in little girlfriends. Nothing serious, of course, but it was very nice. If you put a little more care into your appearance, you could—ah—well, you could try to find someone who'd take you. I'd offer my services but I daresay we have opposite taste in what is fashionable, and no offense but you have your work cut out for you."

"I don't care how I look," said Severus so strongly he believed it. "I care about school work. And dueling."

"Ah, so sensible," said Lockhart merrily. "Well, the dark and ominous vibe is certainly appealing if one pulls it off right, but it seems you skipped mysterious and brooding and went right for gloomy and disgruntled! Ha ha! Your hair could do with a bit of work, and did you know that there are potions to help cure acne? I'd have thought that with your precision for the subject, you'd have been brewing those long ago!"

Lucius stared at Severus, saying nothing—why wasn't he coming to Snape's defense? Was he enjoying this? Severus was gritting his teeth, humiliated. "I told you—I don't care! Unlike you, I have better things to do—"

"I think it's a bit appalling that you spend so much time with this er- _boy_," said Lockhart to Lucius, over Snape's head. His tone was condescending and different than usual—less stupid. "Have you thought about how it looks?

"You wanker," said Severus through clenched teeth.

"No offense, Severus, but Lucius and I are different—"

Lucius put his hand back on Severus' shoulder. His tone was lazy. "Severus is a talented student for a second year, Gilderoy. Go on, Severus—isn't he making you angry? What are you going to do? Don't wait around—"

Severus looked up at him, confused, and then suddenly, he understood. Lucius had not been actively trying to embarrass him—it was a test. He searched for what Lucius had taught him that evening, ran through several curses in his mind and then pointed his wand.

Lockhart chuckled. "Snape! I hardly meant offense—"

"Stance, Severus," reminded Lucius, pushing Severus' shoulders down. "Speak in a low, clear voice, now!"

_"Arachumanchala!" _Severus cried out, pointing his wand with a flourish.

Lockhart panicked, actually dropping his wand on the ground. "_Owww!" _he cried out, scratching his arms. Severus watched with a small grin—he could still imagine the horrible burning and it pleased him that the spell had worked, and on the first try. Lockhart pulled up one of his trouser legs to reveal dark welts and he whimpered, biting his lip. He stared at Severus and Lucius with scared eyes.

"So, I'll be seeing you tomorrow, Gilderoy?" said Lucius crisply with a smile. "I will speak to you about the details tomorrow morning at breakfast. How does that sound?"

Gilderoy looked between Severus and Lucius, and nodded. "But of course," he said, putting on a false smile. "Goodnight." He snatched up his wand and hurried down the corridor.

Severus and Lucius broke up into laughter.

"Well done, Severus," Lucius beamed, his arm around Severus' shoulder. "Though I'm sure you can do better with practice. Still, you hit him quite hard. Did you see his face?"

Severus grinned up at Lucius through his hair, feeling more valued than he ever had. "Thanks, Lucius!" he said excitedly, and when his voice came out as a squeak, he hardly noticed.

* * *

><p>"I cursed Gilderoy Lockhart last night," Severus told Lily excitedly. They were walking through the castle courtyard, hopping over mud puddles. "Lucius taught me how, but only once. And then I did it, all on my own." He'd been smiling a lot more that day, which had made several of their peers quite nervous. Lily had noticed, and hadn't gotten around to asking why, but this made sense. It was often curious sorts of things that would make Severus happy.<p>

Lily couldn't help but grin back at her friend's uncharacteristically goofy smile, lopsided due to his bad teeth, his black eyes hidden partially by his hair, which made him look slightly deranged. "Severus, you are so strange," she said. "You hate Christmas and your birthday, but cursing someone makes you so happy!"

"I just don't like people singing happy birthday or making a big deal of it, it's dumb. Same with Christmas carols," he said quickly. "But…don't you want to know how I did it? I used this spell from Malfoy, this one that makes you feel like bugs are biting you, and Lockhart just ran away!" Severus announced proudly, and then squinted at Lily's blank expression. "Don't you think that's funny? Come on! Now don't go telling me that I should leave him alone, he's a damned wanker! Lucius agrees with me, though he didn't say so."

"Severus!" Lily exclaimed, laughing a little nervously. She was still getting used to how much coarse language her friend had begun using. "Though… I suppose you're kind of right. I just don't approve of Lucius Malfoy either, really. Why does he have to teach you such nasty spells?"

"Why would I want to learn _nice _spells?" Severus asked, with woe in his voice. "It's dueling, Lily, not Charms—"

"Hey, I like Charms! But still, I just don't get how you spend so much time with Lucius—"

"He likes me," said Severus, as though she was thick for not understanding.

"What did he say after you told him I didn't like being called a Mudblood?" Lily asked.

Severus made a face like he didn't understand.

"_Severus, _I told you to tell him and you said you did, but we never spoke about it!" Lily said, giggling a bit at his apparent short-term memory.

"Oh right. He said… He said he's sorry," Severus said weakly, and he most definitely did not meet Lily's eyes.

Lily gave him an incredulous look. "You never said anything did you? Severus! You shouldn't have lied to me! I was telling Potter how you went to Lucius and told him how I felt, and you never even did it!" Lily realized as she was talking that she was not all too surprised, though a little disappointed. The last thing she needed was the Gryffindors realizing that Severus had duped her.

"Potter? What's Potter have to do with this?" snapped Severus.

"He said you wouldn't tell Lucius to stop and you didn't," Lily said, just as snappily, "so I suppose he was right about something—"

"HE WASN'T RIGHT!" shouted Severus. "He's not right about anything! He's horrible!"

"Oh honestly, Severus, I agree with you! But I wish you would have spoken to Lucius—"

"We don't speak about you. You've never come up," Severus said simply. "If he calls you that again, I'll be sure to tell him."

"That's nice," Lily said sarcastically.

"It's just—we _don't_," Severus shrugged. "No offense." He made a gesture with his wand like he was preparing for a duel.

"You should practice dueling with us Gryffindors sometime," said Lily, trying to change the subject to something more positive. She felt slightly guilty for momentarily ruining Severus' good mood. Whether it was for an odd reason or not, he was hardly ever this high in spirits.

Severus scrunched up his face. "Lucius wouldn't like that—"

"_No, _I mean just you. It could be fun!" She read Snape's bitter expression instantly: "No, Sev, I mean with me and the girls—not with Potter and Black—"

"And how do you think I'll look, teaching a bunch of girls to duel?" Severus wanted to know. "You just know I'll get picked on for it."

Lily stopped in her tracks. It was a perfect opportunity to ask him about everything she had been thinking about. "What about Evan Rosier? You seem to be keen on teaching her dueling _and _helping her on her homework, and you keep avoiding me when I want to only _see _some of your dueling spells! Do you fancy Rosier, Sev? You can tell me, you know, though I won't forgive you after what happened the other day…" She was half-kidding, but stared at him intensely. Severus had been really good about not mentioning the drawing incident, and she'd noticed that he never looked at her chest. She figured he'd never even noticed it in the first place.

"_Rosier?" _Severus scoffed. "She's got the worst voice of anyone I've ever met. And she smells like awful perfume."

"Good, I was about to die if you said you fancied her. She's such a brat!" Lily laughed. Severus certainly did have a knack for voicing the unpleasant truth. "Well, why are you teaching her and not me?"

Severus gave her a funny look. "I'm _not _teaching Rosier to duel. Not yet anyway. It's only Lucius and me. I help Rosier, Mulciber and Avery on their Defense homework. I didn't know you wanted to know so bad. I'll show you right now!" he said, sounding inspired, his black eyes big. "Our test isn't due until next week, anyway."

"Okay," nodded Lily excitedly. So it truly wasn't about Rosier. Lily was a bit relieved. She could stomach Severus helping that group with homework, but if he were only doing it to impress snobby Rosier, it would be different. They walked out a bit farther, past Hagrid's hut and toward the Forbidden Forest. They dumped their schoolbooks and Lily's bag on a rock, and Lily grabbed for her wand but Severus stopped her.

"Lucius didn't let me use mine the first couple times. You have to work on footing and stuff," he said. Lily was a bit disappointed, but complied. Severus showed her a few different ways to stand, and showed her how he could dramatically fling his wand out his sleeve. "He taught me that," Severus explained proudly. "Of course, he does it a lot better—"

"It's quite good, Severus," Lily said, and applauded, grinning. Severus looked embarrassed but pleased. He told her to try, and she mimicked his footwork and arm gestures, squatting low and then popping up and raising up her wand-arm. It was inspiring to see her usually exasperated friend so spirited and upbeat. It almost made her thankful for the time he was spending with Lucius—obviously Malfoy was doing something right and charitable by getting Severus' confidence up.

"Now you try it with a wand. Don't do any spells though," Severus said, and watched her as she ran through the exercises again. She was good at the footwork; it was almost like a dance. But when it came time to pull out her wand, it went dropping out onto the grass. Severus shook his head. "See, you can't stop caring—you have to be real focused on everything all at once, because someone could be aiming crazy curses at you while you're trying to grab your wand—"

"Who is going to be cursing us, Severus?" she wanted to know, amused.

"You never know what people are going to do. I can't be sure about Potter and Black ever," he explained. "If I drop my wand, I'm doomed."

"They're just pranks, though, Severus. They're not trying to kill you," she said.

"Pick up your wand and try it again. Here, I'll help you," Severus replied curtly, and Lily nodded, wondering if Severus really did perceive James and Sirius as a threat. They weren't. They were just arrogant and show-offy, which was bad enough. She wondered whether Severus wasn't becoming a bit too obsessed with this self-defense idea. Still, she picked up her wand and pulled back her arm, putting herself in the first position Severus had taught her. He stood behind her and directed her on what to do.

"Like this?" she asked, and snapped her wand out. She smiled, and turned her head over her shoulder. "I did it, Sev!" She did a sort of victory dance.

He gave a small smile. "Sorta," he said, and got a little closer to her. She could feel his breath on her neck, his chin lightly touching her shoulder. "Here," he said, and used his right arm to pull her arm back toward him. He put his left hand gingerly on her back. "Lucius showed me this…You should be pulling more from your elbow, and not your shoulder, it's quicker. And move your back with it when you do it," he instructed. She realized that his arm was shaking as he moved hers around, but she ignored it. She pulled back hard as he directed her arm, bumping into his torso.

She laughed, "Sorry"-

"S'okay, just keep focusing," he said quietly. His left hand moved to her waist, and he showed her how to swivel her hip to the side as she moved into second position. Lily was suddenly very aware of Severus' hands on her waist and arm, his whisper in her ear, his hot breathing on her neck. She thought about asking him to let go, and then decided she did not want him to. But she felt like if she drew attention to it, it would just make all of it way more obvious. It was stupid to feel weird about it, wasn't it? Severus was her friend, after all. Friends helped each other all the time; this just meant she was having fun, right? The feeling was hard to pinpoint. It had a lot to do with his breath on her neck when he spoke to her. It gave her a strange tingling feeling between her legs, and she realized how she'd been holding her breath. Mary's voice rang in her head: _Can you imagine snogging Severus Snape? _ She finally exhaled, and Severus moved back away from her. Strangely, Lily got a feeling of disappointment that he had stepped back. She worried maybe he'd noticed, noticed the heat radiating out from her.

"It's your first time," he said, "but you did pretty well. Next time, maybe you can try out some curses." He was looking directly at her, and his gaze, as usual, was intense. She normally figured he was just staring awkwardly because he couldn't think of what else to say. But this time it was obvious he was simply staring at her face. Lily's cheeks became flushed and she looked away.

"Something wrong?" he asked, interrupting the silence.

"No. Nothing's wrong," she smiled, but she felt a bit distracted. And, now that she thought about it, rather embarrassed for no real good reason. Severus' furrowed brow, his large black eyes, his stooped shoulders—he looked uncomfortable as always, nothing was different. "I have to go, I forgot—I forgot something," she said quickly, and pushed past him. She couldn't shake the feeling. Something _was _different.

"Fine, then," he called after her sulkily. "Bye, Lily. See you later?"

* * *

><p><em>"Proboscis vino spurtus!" <em>Severus bellowed. The spell ricocheted off the dorm room mirror and hit Ethan Middleton, who had just entered the room. Crimson blood poured out of Ethan's nose and he gasped in horror.

"What've ya done to me?" he cried.

Mulciber and Avery cracked up laughing and Severus grinned wide.

"I DID IT!" he shouted happily, and his eyes were very dark and glassy.

"Cool," said Mulciber, looking envious. "Show me next."

* * *

><p>The only sounds in the second year girl's dorm in Gryffindor were Scarlet snoring, and Muruvi's wrist watch ticking. Lily lay awake, her mind racing with thoughts of the past few weeks. Gaining Mary back as a friend had made life run much more smoothly, and Lily hated to admit it, but she was a lot more interested in Mary's conversation topics than she used to be. By no means did count herself as a boy crazy nut like Mary was, but Mary's comments about snogging had made her awfully curious. Lily had been admiring several handsome boys over the course of that year, and she had only just been able to put her feelings to words.<p>

"_What do you think of Amos Diggory?" _Mary had asked that morning at the Quidditch match against Gryffindor and Hufflepuff.

Lily shook her head. _"Too much of a show off. I hate the way he always talks himself up so big."_

Mary sighed. _"What about his LOOKS?"_

Lily shrugged. _"I suppose he's all right. I rather like dark hair, though."_

Mary looked at the back of Sirius' head, for he was sitting in the next row. _"Dark hair is dishy," _she grinned. _"Well, who do you like then?"_

Lily watched the players swoop in and out of the ring. _"I suppose Wendell Perkins is good looking—"_

"_Yes, he is," _Mary agreed. _"Yum yum!"_

Muruvi ducked her head in. _"Lucius Malfoy," _she said. _"I know he's awful, but you have to admit—"_

Lily shook her head. _"Ugh, he's the worst! He's so into himself! And so mean!"_

"_I like his hair," _Muruvi said quietly.

"_You like evil boys," _said Mary," _Muruvi likes bad boys!" _

Muruvi turned bright pink. _"No, I don't! Not really!"_

"_So what if she does? I like Parkinson… he's got nice eyes," _said Scarlet.

"_EYES!" _Mary yelled. _"How can you get past that weird little nose of his?"_

Scarlet looked at Mary with her eyebrow raised. _"This coming from Mrs. Sirius Black."_

Sirius turned around. _"What?"_

Mary and Scarlet shrieked and giggled, Muruvi turned redder, and Lily grinned.

"_Every day, they get more and more mad," _Sirius told James.

In Lily's mind, she compared the boys she and her friends had spoken about. She thought Wendell Perkins was attractive in a quiet, rugged way. He was a sixth year, and he carried himself well, with chin-length brown hair that fell in his face. She knew nothing else about him, though. She imagined him asking her out on a date, but that seemed too far-fetched. Still, she felt that strange pulsing between her legs. It felt kind of fun to imagine what it would be like to go out with a boy. She imagined snogging Perkins and blushed, rolling over on her stomach. She wondered if any boys besides Mulciber and Avery had noticed her body. Any boys that _weren't _perverts. Maybe Remus Lupin _did _like her. She considered that prospect, but it did not excite her nearly as much as it did Mary. Remus was nice and good-natured but she didn't get that weird, burning-up feeling when she thought about him.

There in the dark, she wondered what sex actually was. She'd never heard her parents, and her mother had described it as "something a husband and a wife do when they are in love" but Lily was beginning to have her doubts as to that being the main requirement. Mary had told her that week about how Sirius' wild cousin Bellatrix Black had "done it with half the boys in fifth year and up" before she'd graduated. _"Done it?" _Lily had asked. _"You know," _said Mary, _"shagged." _But Lily didn't know. Not really. Her parents always turned off the telly when programs got too raunchy. Petunia screamed when couples kissed in public and hid her eyes, and Lily's mother and father were affectionate, but not at all sexual. Her new breasts, the talk of snogging, thinking about attractive blokes—it was all very surreal and confusing. Lily had a lot of questions about what happened during sex. She knew that a boy had to put his penis inside her, but how in the world did that happen? Did he lie on top? Did they stand up? What did it feel like? Mother said not to do it. Mother said it would hurt too much. It sounded kind of scary.

Slowly, Lily rubbed the front of her waist onto the mattress, pulling the lower regions hidden beneath her light green nightgown across the bed. She wondered if sex was like that, just a boring, back and forth pattern. It felt a little nice, but she felt silly for doing it.

* * *

><p>"Sev, what do you know about having sex?" asked Lily very matter-of-factly the next week.<p>

Severus, who had been in the midst of copying out his answers to his final report on werewolf transformation and was holding a spare quill in his teeth that had a smaller point made for fine details, spat it out promptly. Ink splattered all over his parchment. "Bloody thing," he muttered and did a charm to wipe up the ink. He wiped his mouth, and a stripe of black ink smudged his face.

Lily raised her eyebrows at him. "You… er- here," she said, and gestured at her own cheek.

"Oh!" he said, and wiped it off with his robes, which only resulted in creating a longer streak of ink. Lily scooted closer and used her own cloak sleeve to dab at his face, wiping ink out of the crease between his nose and eye. "Thanks," he said, with his head bowed.

"Sorry," she replied, and laughed, a bit nervously. "I didn't mean to catch you off guard."

"Oh," he said again, and cleared his throat. "You didn't. I was just…I—I didn't know you'd—well, I wasn't expecting it. I don't know. I mean, I know… I know—" he trailed off, looking a little green.

"It's not like… it's not like I think about it," Lily explained, and now her ears were red. "It's just, well, Mary got herself a boyfriend a while back, you may have known, and she told me they snogged, well, they snogged—but with… they used their tongues, and I just—well, I didn't… I mean, I've just been… Forget I said anything." She realized that this was possibly the most uneasy she'd ever sounded in front of Severus, perhaps since learning about being a witch.

"It's okay," he mumbled, looking down at the table in front of them instead of meeting her eyes. Across the library, some seventh year Hufflepuff girls in a study session broke up laughing. Lily and Severus both stopped talking and pretended to watch the girls.

"And so Professor Raughvaught said that he'd tell her, but you know he probably wouldn't want to make her feel bad!" exclaimed one of them.

Severus kept his body angled toward the Hufflepuffs and asked quietly: "What're you bringing that up for?"

Lily looked at her book. "Just asking. I mean, I'm not trying to be annoying or anything—"

"You aren't annoying," Severus said solidly. "It's just—I mean…"

"I don't even think my _parents _have sex," Lily put in quickly, trying desperately to find a way to direct this conversation while still appearing casual. "My mum said only married people do, but I've never seen them or heard them—"

Severus snickered quietly, despite looking uncomfortable. "Your parents are so proper, though. Like you'd hear _them_."

"Well, do yours?" Lily wanted to know, flipping her book to random pages and pretending to study them.

"When Dad's around, sometimes yeah," Severus nodded. "I hear it… I saw them before too, I got in loads of trouble by my dad—" he stopped talking as though the memory were painful. In fact, he hadn't thought about it for years. He'd nearly forgotten, tried to put it out of his mind.

"You _saw _them? What was it… what was it like?" Lily's voice was becoming a whisper.

"You're barking," said Severus. "I can't tell _you."_

"Why not? We're friends!"

"Just because," said Severus.

"We used to talk about everything," said Lily.

"Not this," said Severus, so hunched over that his face was invisible behind his hair. "It's weird I saw them. I didn't mean to. Didn't know quite what they were doing at first. I thought he was hurting her." He cleared his throat. "I was pretty little, you see."

"My mother says sex always hurts for girls," Lily said. "I just don't get how it works."

"Derno," said Severus. He tried to block out the thought of his father behind his mother, the memory of getting backhanded once his father had put on a robe, _"You little fucking pervert," _striking the six year old Severus again and again, _"Liked that, did you?" , _Severus' hand in his trousers at the edge of the playground, curious, fixated, wanting touch and very afraid of touch—he had put all of this away, he had tried to forget, he didn't want this… He paled and thought instead of Lucius and Bellatrix, Bellatrix's legs around Lucius' back as he stuck his fingers inside her. "Don't think it hurts all the time," he managed to say, crossing his legs and sitting up. His mouth was very dry. "What'd the point be, otherwise?"

"You're right," said Lily, and laughed. At least, she _hoped _he was.

Severus managed a twitchy smile.

* * *

><p>"Oh ho! How wonderful! How positively brilliant!" congratulated Professor Slughorn, as Lily and Severus' healing potion glittered gold in the cauldron. "Perfect! Beautiful! Five points for Gryffindor! Five for Slytherin!"<p>

Lily and Severus beamed at each other. Mulciber glowered at them, most likely because Potter had slopped half their potion on the floor seconds before Slughorn had come round to inspect. Potter did not look very happy either. He whispered something to Sirius and Mary, and they both snickered. "Why don't they just go on and get married and have a lot of greasy know-it-all children?" James hissed loud enough for the other students to hear. Mary bit her lip and hit James with her Potions book, but the rest of the surrounding students cracked up laughing.

"We're just friends," Lily said loudly, sending him a long glare.

"And wonderful friends indeed!" Slughorn nodded proudly, popping up between them and putting his arms around their shoulders. Lily grinned but Severus grimaced, his face pressed into Slughorn's chest. The bell tolled, and all of the others gathered up their things, filing out of the classroom. "Of course, I've been biding my time, waiting, watching your development as students! And now it's positively just too hard to not have you!"

"What's that mean?" mumbled Snape, his voice muffled.

Slughorn patted his shoulder and released them. "You'll be getting invitations this summer but I'd like to officially, finally invite you to join my club—there are monthly events, socials, a formal evening… It's a place for merriment and civilized conversation!" Slughorn's eyes were greedy and wide, staring into their flawless potion. His mustache seemed to be flapping excitedly as he babbled. "Miss Evans, and Mr. Snape, you are two of the very best potioneers I have seen in my time at Hogwarts. Needless to say, I think you'll go far, and I can help you make connections. Yes, yes, I can!"

"Socials?" Severus asked, wrinkling his nose. "Like talking to people and stuff?"

"Oh, you are just too much," Slughorn boomed, letting out a laugh. "A fine sense of humor, this one! I have friends in high places," he continued," and I always like to help special students get ahead. The first event should take place upon the start of term this next year and I just cannot wait!"

As Lily and Severus walked up and out of the dungeons, Severus turned to face her. "So are you going to do it? The Slug Club, thing, I mean? It sounds a little dull—"

"Slughorn's been mentioning it for ages," Lily said. "I would feel bad not going. And besides, it could be fun. You'll come, won't you, Severus?"

"Of course," said Severus quickly. In his haste to agree with Lily he was forgetting, of course, that Lucius Malfoy was a prize member of the Slug Club and made certain to be at every event.


	6. Abnormally Attracted to Sin

AN: Thank you very much for the feedback last chapter! It was great to read. I'm hoping I can continue hearing from you as the story goes on. I tried to reply to all of you but Joe had reviewed anonymously and I just wanted to respond and give my thanks for that review, and also to say that I think in Severus' mind, he's been sticking up for Lily a great deal. He usually does not get out of his comfort zone to stick up for anyone. I had considered having him defend her even more, but I personally found it more interesting to show how torn he was between Slytherin peer pressure, and standing up for her. Of course, he will grow more attached to Lily as the story goes on and that will show. Thanks for the food for thought!

A big thanks to Silver Sailor Ganymede for their corrections. They used to correct Recall Alice, too, and it's a big help, particularly after editing sessions in the wee hours of the morning with really sore eyes.

This chapter will be a bit different—more choppy and focusing on back-stories and home life. Also, I am just so tickled to introduce my picture of Lucius Malfoy's family. I've been writing them for years but have never officially posted any of that fic. We'll get back to Hogwarts in chapter seven. At this point, you should know what you're in for. This part of the story is going to become more and more focused on sexuality as it goes on. Ugh. Researching puberty is a nightmare. Spontaneous erections, sweat, periods, and acne= major bummers.

Also, sorry it's a bit late again. I wish I could be ready with a new chapter the same day every week, but it's nearly impossible. The best I can shoot for is earlier than this one was! Also, it's more details of the one summer, but… there was a lot I wanted to say.

Thanks for reading! Please review!

* * *

><p>Chapter Six: Abnormally Attracted to Sin<p>

_"I did not design this game._

_I did not name the stakes. _

_I just happen to like apples. _

_And I am not afraid of snakes."_

_-_ANI DIFRANCO

* * *

><p>"Hello, Petunia," said Lily, as her father opened the door for her. Her sister had grown, looking less like her old schoolyard nickname "Stringbeany" and more like a girl Lily hardly recognized. Petunia was even more opposite looking than Lily than she had been when they were younger. She was fourteen now and straight-backed, with hardly any curves to her body at all and her yellow blonde hair was clipped into a poor imitation of a swing hairstyle. She stared at Lily reproachfully, and set down what appeared to be an ugly brown hat she was knitting.<p>

"Hello, Lily," she said formally. "How was…" she paused, and her nose twitched. "School?"

"School was good. How are you?" asked Lily, grabbing her suitcase from her father and making her way toward the stairs.

"Just fine, thank you," said Petunia frostily, talking as though she was regurgitating rules she'd learned from a book on etiquette rather than addressing her own little sister.

When Lily entered her room, she found it very non-reflective of who she felt she'd become as a person. At Hogwarts, she had no need for her toys or her Muggle magazines, and she was hardly up on Muggle pop culture, save for hearing the records some of her housemates played in the common room. Looking around at the posters of the Monkees, the Beatles, Howdy Doody, and the photographs of Lily hugging her sister and their Muggle friends inLondon, Lily felt a strange disconnect. At once, she gathered up piles of the things she no longer felt useful, and cleaned her room with gusto she'd usually reserved for more amusing activities. Her old stuffed animals were cleared off the shelf and replaced with her Hogwarts school books, Potions set, miniatures of owls that Muruvi had given her for her birthday, a moving photo Mary had given her that depicted Lily with her Gryffindor girlfriends, and vials of different herbs that she'd been able to take home from the Greenhouse. She tossed the photos of her primary school self and Petunia into a garbage bag, along with old schoolwork from primary education. Ruffled dresses, hair bows, heart-covered frocks and long denim school skirts went, too. Lily had made up her mind that she was not a little girl, and she decided she should ask Mother and Daddy if she could be taken to town to shop the very next day. She needed better fitting clothes, more bras, and a way to showcase her newfound individuality. The old clothes and belongings were babyish and she was wholly ready to clean her hands of them.

"What did you learn in school this past term, sweetie?" asked Father at dinner, serving up portions of roast beef and mashed potatoes. "What classes did you take? I know you mentioned it in your letter, but I can't quite recall all of it," he said. Petunia frowned at Lily from the other end of the table.

"Too much to say," replied Lily happily, "so many new and exciting things. I had Astronomy, Potions, Transfigurations, History of Magic, Herbology, Defense Against the Dark Arts, and all perfect marks—"

Petunia made a noise of disapproval. "What about maths and science? What about writing? Do you even know how to write a term paper?"

"Of course I know how!" Lily said indignantly. "There is writing in nearly every class, and we get tested really often—"

"Yes, your father and I have told you, Tuney, if Lily wasn't learning anything useful we simply wouldn't permit her to go to Hogwarts. I've kept in contact with Dumbledore this entire year about it," said Mother, taking a sip of water. "It always sounds like our little Lily is very busy, always studying. Isn't that right, Lily?"

"Oh yes," she nodded, but flinched at the word "little". "Severus and I were meeting nearly three times a week at the end of this term to get everything done."

"You still hang out with that boy?" asked Petunia, and her tone was sour. She stabbed a piece of meat on her plate but did not eat it. "Don't you have any other friends?"

"Of course I do. Don't be stupid—" began Lily, narrowing her eyes, but her father cut her off.

"Now Lily, don't have a temper! You only just got home!" He laughed nervously.

"I'm not having a temper! She's being rude. I have other friends! I've got loads, actually. I only see Severus so much because he hasn't really got anyone else…" She trailed off, and paused to eat a scoop of potatoes.

"I can believe that," said Mother delicately. "Strange boy." She turned to their father. "He had to ride back with us today—his parents seemed to have forgotten him again. He said about three words."

"They probably hoped he'd never come back," said Petunia under her breath. Lily stuck her tongue out at her sister.

"Anyway, I'm very glad you've made other friends. I have to say I was a bit worried. It's good to have a lot of other children to be able to talk to. Especially girls. And you've always been popular," Lily's mother continued. "Poor Severus is the sort of boy who will most likely have no sense of direction in his life, bless him. It's not his fault, but Lily, you're really not the type to get wrapped up in that—are you?"

"He's just not well-liked at all. It's kind of sad," Lily heard herself saying. She felt her cheeks tinge with a bit of pink. Was she telling the truth? Was that what she really thought of Severus? _He's good to see once in awhile, but it would be nice if he felt comfortable enough on his own, _she thought. _If he had other friends besides Malfoy, it would be much easier to get along with him. That way, we'd be able to hang on with a bigger group. _

Her face flushed deeper when she internally admitted she liked it better when she and Severus only hung out one-on-one. Other people complicated things—Severus weirded her other friends out, first off, and if other people were around, it just did not seem the same. Lily liked the old idea of the pair of them, practicing their childish wand-less magic in the clearing, playing Azkaban Prison, and talking endlessly about what school would be like. She enjoyed remembering how smart Severus was, how captivating, and how encouraging when he introduced her to the idea of magic and Hogwarts. At school, with other people, things had become complicated. Lily felt bad that Severus was unpopular, but besides trying to include him, she was at a loss for what to do.

They needed to rekindle their old friendship. Perhaps this summer, Severus could help her on her dueling positions? Things could get back to the way they were. No distractions. Considering practicing dueling with Severus, Lily crossed her legs and then uncrossed them. She knew that during the summer, Severus had little to do besides see her and that was a good feeling. She had a consistent friend. It had really made things different when Severus had stayed at Hogwarts last Christmas break. Even when Severus was being sarcastic, Lily found his company pleasurable. He was still a different sort of friend than any she'd ever had. Lily snapped out of her thoughts with a start. When she tuned into the conversation again, Mother was still talking.

"…There's a certain point where it is no longer appropriate to have a boy for a best friend. And so, what are your other little friends' names?"

Lily kept her eyes on her plate. "Mary, Muruvi, Scarlet,Alice—of course, there are a few boys too. Remus and Frank. They're quite nice."

"_Remus?" _squawked Petunia. "What kind of a name is that!"

"He's very quiet and kind, Petunia. You might actually like him," said Lily.

"I don't make friends with boys," said Petunia. "They're trouble."

"Our Tuney," smiled Mother.

Lily had a strong feeling that this would not be the last time this conversation topic would come up over the summer. She made a decision not to mention the fact that Remus might fancy her, or that Muruvi had made out with Lancelot, that boys at school were noticing her breasts, or that Severus had seen his parents having sex. Lily focused on her dinner quietly, while Petunia went on and on about her newest friends and a boring report for school that she had done. For the first time, Lily felt like she was less of the favorite and more of the family freak.

* * *

><p>The next day, Mother took Lily and Petunia outside Cokeworth to do some shopping for summer. Petunia seemed wholly uninterested, and spent the trip with her nose in a magazine that detailed the juiciest gossip of certain celebrities. She only interacted with Lily and Mother to try on a boring, one-piece bathing suit that in Lily's opinion made her look like she had less curves than a baton.<p>

"Oh dear," Mother said to most of the outfit combinations that Lily tried on. "You really _have _grown." To the shop clerk, she kept inquiring, "Do you have anything a bit baggier around the bust?" Petunia laughed quietly while Lily reddened in the face. In a very short amount of time, Lily had gone up a few sizes and her mother disallowed her from wearing anything "too provocative". Lily was able to fight a winning battle for a sea foam green bathing suit—a two piece. She imagined wearing it around Hogwarts, flashing smiles at passing students. She felt that it made her look very mature. That night, she wore the bathing suit with her sunglasses and pranced around her room, pulling funny faces in her vanity mirror. She pretended she was one of the women in Petunia's magazine, at her private estate in some foreign country. _"Yes," _she said flirtatiously, looking over her glasses. _"Have you met my husband, Wendell?"_

* * *

><p>"Not you," laughed Tobias from the couch as Severus walked in the front door, carrying his books, his backpack slung over his shoulder. Instantly, his stomach felt queasy. The telly was on full blast, and the parlor reeked of cigarette smoke and rotting food, as though his parents had not been cleaning up the household garbage for weeks. Flies buzzed around the kitchen, alighting on all of the surfaces. "Your mum didn't say you were coming—"<p>

"I wrote her but she never wrote back. She wasn't at the station," Severus said, slamming the door behind him. "So, I got a ride home with Lily—"

"Who's Lily?" barked his father, "and mind that door. And take off your shoes!"

Severus' whole body seethed with irritation, but he kicked off his boots and headed toward his room. "Lily's my best friend," he said quietly but with a distinct tone of defiance. "You'd know that if you cared."

"Don't, _don't _disrespect me," slurred Tobias, his eyes squinting at Severus as though hardly recognizing him. "Turn around," he said.

"Why?" Severus said, but did as his father requested.

"Fucking hell—you've outgrown your clothes again!" Tobias shouted. "How the hell tall are you? Do you ever stop bloody growing?"

"I'll try to stop then," said Severus coldly. "If it bothers you so much."

Tobias looked at him through bleary eyes, teetering slowly back and forth and then steadying himself on the arm of the couch. "Your damned hair… Christ, you're not a bleeding hippy, are you?"

"I don't think so," Severus responded.

"That would almost be worse than that bloody school you go off to! Do you know how hard it is to try and explain you to normal people? _Muggles, _I suppose you call us," he said with a derisive laugh.

"You tell people about me? Thought you pretended I don't exist," Severus asked, and his stomach sank even more. This was the biggest exchange he'd had with his father in nearly years, and he could not seem to curb his insolence. It was as though he were reading sarcastic cue cards. Although he had a bad feeling about where that would lead him, it felt strangely satisfying.

"Don't go thinking you're special," Tobias sneered, and picked up a whiskey bottle from the floor, taking a swig. "People in town, they talk… Blokes at work. They ask about my kid, ask why he's never around."

"At work? At the pub, more like," said Severus quietly, before he could resist the urge.

"What was that?" Tobias slurred.

"I derno," said Severus, and gripped his suitcase a little tighter.

"You a man now, are you?" Tobias asked, and his voice rose to its full potential, an alarmingly loud and unkind note that made Severus' shoulders slump, like a Pavlovian dog salivating at the tone of a bell. "How old are you?"

"Thirteen," Severus said, and was disgusted at how meek his voice sounded.

"Thirteen!" Tobias boomed, and Severus shrank against the wall. "Thirteen, and he's a big man! Thirteen years old, and he thinks he's better than his own dad—"

Severus shook his head, his hair swinging. "Don't think I'm better. I just… just want to be alone," he said.

Tobias' sneer widened after he took another swig of the whiskey, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Loner. Just like your goddamned mother. You know, she's the reason it's like this, she's the reason you were born with those crazy magical powers, or whatever the hell you want to call them. If I'd have known—" he paused, snickering to himself—"I'd have told her to go to hell straight away. She thought we were _in love, _she thought she'd finally found the one all because I was the first bloke to look past her face and really boff her brains out. She hasn't told you this?"

Severus shook his head and flushed. In his head was an angry buzzing sound that seemed to rise from the floor to the ceiling; he tried desperately to focus on a large hole in the wall above the couch. He'd always wanted to know why his parents were together, but not like this_. _Not from _him._

"Yeah, well, if you're all grown up now enough to talk back, you ought to know the truth. Nobody wanted you," Tobias continued, with a faraway look in his black eyes. "Met your mum while she was finishing up at that school—I was only twenty three and I was working a job in London. She saw me sitting near some of her school chums and thought I was like them… Crazy," he added, as an afterthought. "Your mum was different—snippy, a little dark—and willing to do anything I wanted her to. I guess she thought we was seeing each other, except I wasn't exactly looking at it the same way. And she told me about the bloody witchcraft bullshit and I thought, this bird is fit for a straight jacket, but they say the ugly ones can be really wild, and your Mum, she was _wild_ and so I looked past the witch talk," Tobias said. He paused and then gritted his teeth as though disgusted. "And then she comes round to tell me she's late. You know what that means, right?"

Severus slowly shook his head from side to side, keeping his eyes in that hole above the couch. He was pressed against the wall harder than he noticed, so hard that his schoolbooks in the backpack were digging into his bony back. Could that hole open and up and swallow him? Could it take him somewhere else?

"She wasn't bleeding," said Tobias loudly. "She was knocked up! Aborting it wasn't an option. Too much money. Besides, we were both stupid. She said she was in love with me. She said she could make things bloody _levitate_ and that she could read minds and futures,and she was too thick to stick a hanger up her cunt? Bloody bitch," he spat. "Anyway, we got married before anyone could tell, real _lovely, _no one was invited, not that they'd have shown up…"

The buzzing was not loud enough—the words were getting in. Severus' eyes switched over to the dirty curtains, and then the peeled flowery wallpaper in the corner of the room. He wondered if he tore at it, if the whole room would unravel. There had been a few things he hadn't understood. He did not quite know what "late" meant, and he wasn't sure about what his father meant by "aborting it", but he understood the history enough to hear the really important parts: the hatred, the lack of planning, his father's disregard for his mother. Even without the missing pieces, it all fit together. Severus found his focus settling in on his father—the angular profile, sturdy shoulders, black furrowed brows, the mouth like an angry line across the pale face.

"Stop staring at me like that, you little shit," said Tobias. "What's the matter? You didn't know you were a mistake? You going to cry?"

"No," said Severus quietly. "Where's Mum at?"

"Oh! You hear him? He wants his _mummy,"_ said Tobias, laughing darkly.

Severus' heart was pounding in his chest. If only he could use his wand—if only… He picked up his suitcase and turned out of the living room, heading toward the hallway. "I'm going," he said.

"Don't talk back to me and then turn away from me, you coward," said Tobias, jumping off of the couch and heading after Severus, who went to grab the door of his room. Tobias pulled him back by his backpack and held his shoulders in a strong grip. He smelled deeply of booze. Severus averted his gaze, staring past Tobias' head. When Tobias struck him on the face, Severus winced but said nothing. Tobias hit him again across the ear, and then released him, throwing him against the door. He flung it open, ran inside and locked it. His entire body was shaking. Tobias slammed his fist on the door a few times before giving up and walking back toward the living room.

_Dear Lucius, _Severus wrote, _why can't Hogwarts stay open year round? I want to go back and I just got home. I HATE IT HERE. _ A tear rolled off his nose and onto the last word, blurring it beyond recognition. He crumpled up the piece of parchment and chucked it in at the wall, then kicked his backpack so that all of the books poured out onto the floor.

An hour or so later, he woke up to the sound of his mum knocking on his door and calling his name out softly. He rolled over and put the pillow over his head, pretending he did not exist.

* * *

><p>"New clothes," said Severus, when Lily came to meet him that week in the woods. She was wearing a deep green top and bell bottom jeans that made her look rather like an average Muggle teenage girl, but Severus did not really mind. Unlike wizard robes, the new jeans accentuated her hips.<p>

"I tossed out a bag of old clothes. It was embarrassing, the stuff I used to wear. I needed a new look," she said.

Severus observed her more closely. "The shirt matches your eyes," he said after awhile.

Lily grinned at him in his loose black t-shirt, black trousers and long coat. "Your entire outfit matches _your _eyes," she replied.

He managed a small smile. "So, what do you wanna do?" he asked, but Lily gasped.

"What happened to your face?" she cried out, coming closer to him and staring. The skin surrounding his eye was dark purple and yellow.

He ducked away, his hair covering his eyes. "Nothing!" he said, sounding offended. "I accidentally walked into a door—"

"Sev, did someone hit you?" Lily covered her mouth with her hands and gasped. "Did you father hit you?"

"NO!" shouted Severus dangerously. "He hasn't even been at home!"

Lily pouted. "Why are you yelling at me? I only asked you a question. I wasn't trying to make you angry, I just—"

"Yeah, but I always tell you not to ask about it and you always ask about it, so now I want you to just shut it!" Severus asserted.

"He _did _hit you," Lily said, her voice brusque. She folded her arms. "I don't understand why you're being such a wally about it."

"He didn't. And I'm not," he said. "Look, can we just drop it? I want to do something else. I want to—I just want to talk about other things."

"_Don't _yell at me like that, Severus," said Lily.

Severus hung his head. "I'm… I'm sorry."

Lily gave him a scrupulous look before uncrossing her arms. "Okay," she finally said. Her face brightened. "I know what I want to do. I want you to teach me more of your dueling moves!"

Severus shook his too-long bangs out of his face. "But we can't even use our wands," he told her.

"Yes, but, you should just show me the way you did last time," Lily said quickly, and her face felt hot again, though she was not quite certain why. "I don't remember much, and we never got to keep practicing—"

"All right!" Severus said enthusiastically, nodding. "Remember what I showed you?"

Lily nodded, and posed her body with one leg out in front of the other. "Like this?" she asked, knowing full well she'd gotten it all mixed up. Why she was acting stupid like this, she had no idea.

"No, you've got it all wrong," Severus said, sounding a bit irritated which made Lily feel even more stupid. But she couldn't admit that she was acting—Severus would _really _be annoyed, then.

"I just forgot," she explained. "Can you… show me?"

Severus approached her. It became a wordless exchange, almost as though they'd both agreed not to speak. Lily pretended to stick out a wand, and Severus held her arm steady, moved her hands and elbow like he was playing a cello, his face very close to her neck. The only sound in the clearing was the sparrows chirping and their breathing. He brought his hand down to her waist, and felt the place between her middle and her hip; then he slid his palm across the small of her back. Lily could feel her heart pounding in her chest.

"Er," said Severus, breaking the silence and making her jump. "You should move to the next position—"

"Sev," said Lily quietly, her body tensing up again at the feeling of his breath on her neck. She flushed scarlet, and stared up into the treetops. The sunset was bringing in both brightness and shadows; it was stunning. But she really could not have cared any less about the way the sky looked. "I don't remember how to do that next move."

"Come on," he said, sounding a bit irritated. He took his hand off her waist and stepped back. "Just try it—it's not even that hard."

Lily stood still for a moment and then turned back to look at Severus.

"What?" Severus asked.

"Nothing," Lily said, and blushed again. "Let's do something else. I don't really feel like doing this anymore." Severus sent her a quizzical look and shrugged. She was confused by her actions. She did not like how she'd pretended she didn't know what she was doing, even if it had produced a similar situation to the last dueling practice. Severus hadn't seemed particularly convinced, either. His words echoed in her brain: _Just try it-it's not even that hard. _She _knew _it was not hard; but there was something she wanted, something she wasn't sure how to put in words. They opted instead to go to Lily's home and play a game. When her mother greeted Severus quietly and looked him over, her eyes pausing on his trousers that were too short for his long legs, Lily felt her face reddening again. She could not tell if she was embarrassed of him or of herself.

"Keep the door open," called Mother, as Severus and Lily headed upstairs.

"What's that about?"asked Severus, looking vaguely bemused.

"Apparently boys are evil now,"whispered Lily, giving him a waggle of her eyebrows.

"She's got a point there maybe," Severus said knowingly as they entered her room, Lily making sure to fling the door open so hard that it slammed against the wall.

"Quit that!" came Petunia's high-pitched voice from the next room. "I'm trying to study!"

"Study what?" Severus asked Lily disbelievingly.

"Some magazine, probably," she replied.

"Not you!" Petunia said to Severus, poking her head of her room. "Ugh, it smells like boy out here." She looked at Lily with a frown. "I thought you said you only hung out with him because—"

"GO AWAY, Petunia!" Lily shouted, shoving her sister back into her room. "Just leave us alone."

Petunia slammed her own door.

"What was she going to say?" asked Severus, as soon as they'd spread out their Scrabble game on Lily's bed.

Lily shrugged her shoulders, feeling a bit guilty. "She was just being rude. As always." They began their game, only pausing every so often to make small talk. Lily was winning as usual—Severus always accused her of cheating because he'd be stuck with every 'Q' and 'Z' in the game.

"Slughorn's in love with you, I reckon," Severus said, while waiting for Lily to make a move.

Lily made a face, flipping her hair back. "Why would you even say that? He's our teacher. Our _old _teacher. Haha, xylophone! And a triple word score!" She did a victory dance and put her letters on the board.

"Great," Severus said, sighing. "How'd you manage _that? _Anyway, it's definitely love. He's only asked me to join that club of his because we're friends and he probably just wants to make you happy. He's always on about how he wishes you were in Slytherin. I guess I can't blame him—"

"Being in love with me?"

"No," Severus said instantly. "Wishing you were a Slytherin—"

"I know, Severus. I was just kidding," Lily said, her ears red. _Great. Now he's going to think I have some sort of crush on him, _Lily thought. _That's all I need. _

"You could have been, you know," Severus shrugged. "Wish you were. I don't like that you're in Gryffindor with all those brave little prats. I hate all of them." He put a word down, _table, _and sighed. "It was all I could manage."

"Oh please," said Lily, giving Severus a shove. "They're not _all _bad. In fact, I want some of us to get together and do more group activities this year. It's third year, so we can go to Hogsmede if we get our parents' permission! Your mum will let you, right?" She couldn't believe herself, doing the very thing she'd decided she did not want—inviting Severus out with her other friends. It was as though she wasn't controlling her words.

For the third time Lily's mother walked by the room casually, as though she wasn't spying on them.

"She all ready signed," said Severus, after Mrs. Evans had gone downstairs," didn't even look at the paper. It could have been a petition to expel me and she wouldn't have cared—"

Lily ignored this and instead smiled brightly. "I can't wait to see what's in Hogsmede! Muruvi says there are a lot of shops and places to go—even a haunted house! Mary and I want to explore it!"

"I won't go with Mary MacDonald," Severus said, looking up like he was concentrating hard. "And I hate Lupin. Muruvi's all right, but I suppose I don't like her very well either. I'd go with you, though—"

"Oh… okay," said Lily, biting her lip, her stomach turning a bit. "I just thought…" She trailed off. She wasn't quite sure what she thought. It was hopeless. Severus wanted to be left alone, and Lily was feeling stranger and stranger about him. She put down another word and Severus sighed.

"I'm never going to beat you at this. We may as well stop. You're _really _smart," he said intensely. "You're the smartest person I know. Besides me, of course."

Lily stared at him. "Just because I'm good at Scrabble—" she began.

But Severus wasn't looking at her anymore. He was flinging his letters back into the little black pouch, apparently forfeiting the game.

"You're such a sore sport," said Lily teasingly.

"I like games where I win," Severus shrugged.

Mrs. Evans made the rounds again. "Do you two need anything?" she asked.

"_No, _Mother," said Lily hatefully. Severus snorted.

Once she'd gone downstairs, Severus looked at Lily. "Why do I get the feeling that she hates me more than usual?"

"She's never hated you," said Lily.

"Right, well, she doesn't like me," he grumbled.

"Be quiet, you." Lily swatted his shoulder and let her hand linger for a few seconds, mistakenly brushing the ends of his long black hair.

Severus tilted his head toward her almost instinctively. When Lily withdrew her hand, Severus recoiled and stared at her wide-eyed.

"Sorry," Lily said quickly, giving him a confused look. "I didn't mean to—"

"It's fine," Severus said breathlessly. "I just—well, I'd better go anyway." He put his hood over his head, got up, and walked out the door. "See ya later."

* * *

><p>"What has he done to you?" Severus' mum asked softly, holding his face between her hands. They were sitting next to each other at the kitchen table. Severus had never remembered her treating him so tenderly.<p>

Severus shrugged. Rather than feeling appreciative or particularly loved, Severus felt uncomfortable and annoyed. This was not how Severus and his mother operated. Mostly, Mum ignored what Dad did, and this almost was more awkward than her silence. Dad was gone again. He'd pocketed some money, kicked in the door and taken the car.

She patted the side of his face soothingly and he flinched. She sighed and got up to rummage through the cabinet above the stove, pulling out a locked box. Pulling her wand out of her long black coat she unlocked it, and withdrew a small potion bottle. "Pour a few drops out of this and put it around your eye," she advised solemnly. "The scarring will go away at once."

Severus did as he was told, and cringed. "Christ!" he swore, "That hurts!"

"Well, it's gone," said his mum crisply. "It's worth the pain, isn't it?" She paused for a moment and then shrugged with her thin shoulders, almost exactly as Severus had moments before. "I thought your father was here for good this time—"

"Why do you care?" challenged Severus, rubbing his eye. "He hates us—"

"He's faced a lot in his life," she said. "He doesn't hate—"

"He hates me," Severus retorted. "I know he does."

"I'm sorry he hit you," she said. "I really am. But you have to understand that there are some things that you forgive, even if it's for a foolish reason."

Severus stared at her for a long time, and she stared back, her black eyes locked into his. _You didn't want me, you didn't want me, what's—Dad said, aborting, you didn't want, what was it, —_

"I wanted you," his mother snapped suddenly, her black eyes flashing. "What did he tell you, Severus?"

Severus jumped. "How did you—I didn't say that—"

Her sallow cheeks pinkened slightly. "Sometimes I think I'm so out of practice that I've forgotten…"

"Forgotten what?" Severus asked, baffled.

But she shook her head, her eyes tightly shut. "I often wonder if being a witch is too much responsibility. It's difficult to let things be," she said. "And sometimes, I don't want to get inside—"

Severus did not ask her anymore questions, but he had the distinct feeling that his mum had seen what he was thinking.

* * *

><p>"This is stupid," Severus said.<p>

Lily paused in her jumping and frowned. "Well, if you're going to be like that," she said.

"How old are we, five?" he sneered.

"Severus, you're no fun sometimes, you know? You won't skip rope, you don't like losing at Scrabble—"

"Who _does _like losing?" Severus asked, cocking his eyebrows at her. "No one likes losing!"

"You know what I mean!" Lily said, and continued jumping, her red hair flapping behind her with each hop.

Severus sat down on the ground and wrapped his arms around his knees. "I think my mum can read my thoughts," he said.

Lily stopped jumping. "What? Why?"

He hesitated, drawing a line in the dirt. "I just thought a bunch of things and she asked me a question that made it obvious she knew what I was thinking," he said.

Lily instantly sat down next to him, her eyes wide. "How do you reckon—wow—what'd you think?"

Severus shook his head. "It's not important. It was about my dad, but she picked up on a bit of it."

"That's too bad," Lily giggled. "I thought my mother was good enough at reading minds and she's not even magical!"

"Leave it to me," he said glumly. "Luckily I hardly ever talk to her. I wonder if she can. I wonder if you can learn it at Hogwarts! I've never heard of it."

"I wouldn't want anyone reading my mind," said Lily solemnly. "It would be too embarrassing."

"Yeah but, if you knew what someone was thinking you wouldn't even have to talk to them. If you knew what they were thinking, you'd know just what they think about you!" Severus said.

"You would like that?" Lily wondered. "I'd hate it. People can say such mean things. Imagine what they think."

"No one's thinking anything bad about you," Severus said quietly. "Why worry?" He gave Lily a very small smile.

Lily pulled down her skirt a bit. "I'm sure someone out there hates me," she said. "Mulciber doesn't like me very well. Neither does Rosier, or Lucius Malfoy. Or James Potter, or Professor Flannigan—he always gives me good marks but I can tell by the way he looks at me."

"They don't count," said Severus. "Everyone hates me. But if I could read their thoughts, I'd have power over them."

Lily's eyes widened a bit. "What kind of power?"

"I derno. I'd just know how to act around them better," he replied. "I could get what I want, maybe."

"I think you're being kind of weird," said Lily, grinning. "But, if you want to know so bad, you should ask your mum. Though if you don't, she'll read your mind and tell you anyway!"

"I'm fucked," said Severus.

Lily grinned again but rolled her eyes. "Sev, you curse way too much!"

"What's it matter?" he asked.

"If I read your mind," she said after a few minutes," what would you be thinking about me?"

Severus smiled unevenly and settled back on his elbows. "I'd be thinking you're my friend."

Lily made a face. "That's boring."

"We're friends, though," he said. "Why wouldn't I be thinking that?"

"Don't know, I thought maybe you'd be thinking something more interesting."

"I guess I'm just boring then," Severus replied. "Is that what you'd think about me?"

Lily's hair fluttered around her face as she shook her head from side to side. "You're not boring. You're different."

"Different," he said flatly. "Different from what?"

"Other people," she said.

"That's bad," he said.

"Not really," she said. "If you learn to read minds, you have to tell me. It would be very rude if you didn't."

"I don't have to tell you anything," said Severus.

Lily's face darkened a bit. "Tell me!" she said. "You have to tell me!"

"Whoa, I can't read minds," Severus declared. "I probably never will, why are you getting all serious?"

"Because I want you to promise to me you'd tell me," Lily said. "Swear on it."

They spat in their palms and shook hands. Severus' fingers had gotten a lot bigger than Lily's since the last time they'd done that.

"If you start reading minds," said Severus, "you have to tell me."

"Never," Lily said and laughed.

* * *

><p>Two weeks into the summer, things were too boring at home for Lily. She'd perused last year's schoolbooks, trying to keep her mind fresh, which she thought was extremely mature. She'd cleaned her room, gone shopping with her mother, written letters to Muruvi and Mary, responded to a drawing Remus had sent, attempted a conversation with Petunia that had utterly failed, and she decided finally that perhaps having some company would make things a bit more interesting. She figured that Severus would be out in the neighborhood, and after making up an excuse that she was going to play at the park, she set off for the meeting point between her neighborhood and Spinner's End. The sun was blazing hot, and dozens of children were out playing with skipping ropes and bicycles.<p>

Lily crossed the path near the bridge and crossed over, keeping her eyes alert for black clothing and pale skin. She walked into the patch of woods until she reached their clearing. There was Severus, stretched out in a patch of grass. Lily was just about to greet him, but she instantly stopped moving when she realized, with fascination, that the front of Severus' black trousers were open and his penis was out. Afraid she'd be spotted, Lily tried to shrink down behind some bushes, peering out from above them. She was unable to tear her eyes away from the surprising sight.

He evidently had not heard her approaching because he kept his eyes shut, held it in his hand and began to tug at himself hastily. If Lily had walked out only five more paces, they'd be right in front of each other. Lily stared. She had never seen a boy's body before besides in the puberty book her mother had made her read. She reckoned it looked a little weird from what she could see, long and standing straight up, like some sort of apparatus with its own mind. Lily regarded him with tremendous interest as he pumped his hand back and forth over his member.

Severus let out a low moan, and Lily blushed, covering her mouth with her hand. She was almost tempted to laugh, only because of her discomfort. But she held it together out of interest. Lily kept watching as Severus switched hands and went faster, breathing in and out hard, his feet rubbing together slowly. He was making sounds she'd never heard him make in all the years she'd known him—pants, gasps, moans… He slowed down his motion, moaning again, and then kept going faster and faster until his entire body went slack and he grunted loudly, almost as though he were in immense pain. He wiped his hand on his shirt and lay back, closing his eyes, sighing.

Lily felt curiously in between crying and watching him—there was a strange feeling in her stomach like she was nervously sick. She felt guilty for watching because she knew Severus would be just as mortified as she was—probably more! As smoothly and slowly as she could, she backtracked through the woods and then ran back to her own house. She spent several mindless hours watching cartoons on television, as if to remind herself was it was like to be younger.

* * *

><p><em>Hi Lily,<em>

_How is your summer? Mine's been all right, but my parents are going away and I need someplace to stay for a few weeks. I was really hoping that I could come visit you at your house. Write me back as soon as possible, okay? I'll try to be nice to Severus if I come but no promises! Ha ha ha!_

_Love,_

_Mary_

_Dear Mary,_

_My Mother and Father think it would be good if you came to stay. They're afraid I only hang out with boys. I think they believe I've made you up. It will be fun for you to come and stay, though it's a bit dull around here. As for Severus, it's okay. We probably won't have to hang out with him much anyway. I can't wait to see you! Let me know when you'll come!_

_Lots of love,_

_Lily_

Lily re-read her response several times before sending it. She was looking forward to having Mary around, despite knowing how much she would clash with the sensible Petunia. It would create a buffer between Lily and Severus, for one. Since she'd seen him in the clearing, she'd been too embarrassed to hang out with him one on one. He'd come round for lunch the day after, and she'd barely spoken to him. He hadn't asked what was wrong; she figured he never would. But the truth was, Lily couldn't stop thinking about him holding his penis. She thought about it so often that she was worried for herself. Was there something wrong with her? She shouldn't have watched him. She shouldn't have gone looking for him! Boys _were _different—it was like Mother had said… But then again, it wasn't. It made Lily uncomfortable, but it also raised other questions. _That thing, _that thing that was attached to her friend, _that thing was supposed to go inside her during sex? _ That was bewildering. And impossible. And odd. In the puberty book she'd read, boys' parts looked like pencil drawings of water faucets with plant buds around them. The reality of it was quite strange. She absolutely could not let Mary know what she'd seen.

Except she absolutely wanted to, at the same time. Only Mary would understand the magnitude of the news, and besides, unless things had drastically changed over the summer, Mary had never seen a real live penis.

Lily made up her mind that if she had to tell, she had to tell. But the penis would not belong to Severus if she told. It would belong to a nameless boy in the neighborhood.

* * *

><p>"We don't have a coffee pot. My mum says it takes too long—she prefers a spell," Mary was saying to Lily's father conversationally. Mother and Daddy had loved Mary so far. They thought she was "lovely", a real "entertainer." Mary had grown taller over the summer and her hair was free and curly. Only Petunia seemed disturbed by her presence, sending her irate glances over whatever stupid project she was doing in the living room. Mary would make faces back as soon as she knew Petunia wasn't looking.<p>

Mary had arrived in the middle of the fifth week of summer, and since they'd received their book lists, they'd gone to Diagon Alley with Lily's parents to retrieve their books. There, they'd run into Sirius Black and his family, who all glared, except for his equally dark haired younger brother Regulus. Regulus was a Slytherin whom Lily had only heard Severus mention in passing, saying he was obnoxious and still sucked his thumb. Regulus was pulling on their mother's arm, shouting about how much he loved Quidditch, apparently as a tactic to get a new broomstick. Sirius, who usually held himself confidently, seemed a bit panicky that he'd run into the girls somewhere besides school.

_"I don't fancy him anymore,"_ Mary had whispered into Lily's ear as the Black family entered Sporting Brooms Incorporated. _"He's only my friend."_

_"What changed?"_ Lily had asked, slightly relieved.

_"I can't wait for him forever!"_ Mary had replied.

The girls had spent their couple of days together practicing with Lily's potions set, helping Lily's mother cook dinner, biking around the neighborhood, and talking endlessly about the prospects of the upcoming year. Both were entirely obsessed with Hogsmede. It seemed so adult to be able to leave Hogwarts and go into a different environment.

However, they did run into Severus eventually, on the third day of Mary's stay. He was reading one of his books on curses, sitting up in a tree by the playground.

"IS THAT SEVERUS SNAPE?" Mary shouted.

Severus looked like he might fall out of the tree, but he steadied himself. "MacDonald?" he said in annoyance. "Why are you here?"

"I'm visiting Lily," she said.

"Oh, so _that's _where you've been," said Severus, and he sounded awfully annoyed.

Lily looked down. "Yes, kind of."

"What are you doing up there, Snape?" Mary asked.

"I'm thinking up some stuff," he said, mysteriously. "Stuff I won't say."

Mary looked at Lily with amazement. "Like we wanted to know anyway. Well, see ya, Snape! Don't think too hard!"

Lily followed Mary as she walked away.

* * *

><p>"Something interesting happened this summer," Lily said that evening after the girls had returned from town with Lily's mother and Petunia. They'd gone into bookstores, gotten Petunia's school supplies, and picked up the shopping. Lily and Mary were sitting on Lily's bed, getting ready to go to sleep.<p>

"Tell me," said Mary, looking delighted. "You've been so quiet, I wondered what was going on! Is it about Remus?"

"No," Lily said. "It's kind of… well… it's hard to explain." Mary waited, smiling. "I saw—by accident, I saw—"

"Saw what?"

Lily lowered her voice to a whisper, throwing a nervous glance at her door, which was shut. "I saw a boy's… parts."

"YOU SAW A WILLY?" Mary cried out, grinning madly.

Lily clapped her hand over her friend's mouth. "SHH! My mother and dad can't know, and especially Petunia can't—"

"What was it like? Whose? Lily… you didn't shag this summer, did you? Do you have a boyfriend?" Mary demanded, her black hair bouncing around her face.

"No!" Lily said. "It was just some boy, I saw him by mistake."

"Swimming?" asked Mary.

"No," Lily said again. "He was… well, he was touching it."

Mary's jaw dropped open. "You've got to be joking! That is so funny!" She burst into hysterical laughter. "I would have made fun of him forever—"

"I didn't!" Lily exclaimed. "It wasn't so funny. It was more interesting—"

"Lily, you have no idea how good of a story this is!" Mary said gleefully. "How big was it?"

Lily's face burned up. "I don't know—"

"Come on, Lily! Tell me! Please!" Mary began to make gestures with her two hands. "This big? _This _big? _THIS BIG?"_

"Mary! I don't know!" Lily said.

"Who was he? We should go find him again!" Mary said. "I want to see. I would definitely laugh in his face, though. How pervy!"

"I knew I shouldn't have told you, Mary," snapped Lily. "You always make everything so silly."

"But Lily," Mary said, obviously hurt, "it _is _rather silly."

"Not to me," Lily said. "I thought it was… well, it wasn't silly at all." She crossed her arms across her chest.

"Honestly, Lily, I'm not trying to make you mad," said Mary, trying to pull a straight face. "It's just… you saw a boy's willy!" She broke into giggles again.

"Ugh," Lily said, irritated, and pretended to be asleep.

* * *

><p>That night in his room, Severus was awakened by a loud pecking at his window. When he went to check, he spied Lucius' pale barn owl Persephone. He opened the window up, and Persephone flew at him, dropping a letter and nipping his ear in a violent manner that strangely reminded Severus of something her owner would do were he an owl. As Persephone groomed herself, Severus ripped out the letter, which was very short, written in Lucius' usual neat block script but this time the words were quite large. <em>'DEAR SEVERUS. HELP ME. BORED OUT OF MY SKULL, EVERYONE ELSE ON <em>_HOLIDAY__ IN EXTRAVAGANT PLACES. IF YOU SHOULD LIKE TO SUBJECT YOURSELF TO A CHANGE OF SCENERY, DO WRITE TO ME ABOUT COMING FOR A VISIT. I CAN MEET YOU IN DIAGON ALLEY AND TAKE YOU TO MY HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. –LUCIUS"_

"I just… I don't see why you'd want to go to his house_," _Lily said a few days later, her arms folded across her chest.

"It's probably not as nice as he says it is. I have to go see for myself," Severus shrugged, but the real reason was that it felt good to be invited. If Lucius was asking him over, that must mean that they were actual friends, right? Either way, it was becoming quite annoying that Lily had that blasted MacDonald over. He wanted it to be like last summer, where they were together nearly every day. This was even worse that when the Evans family went on trips, because she was out of his sight then at least. "I'll probably leave with him for school since it's only a week or so away. He said I could stay as long as I want. Something about the house being so big no one will notice if I'm there."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Was he joking?"

"No idea," Severus shrugged. "He doesn't like his family. Maybe they keep to themselves there."

"Well—er, have fun, I guess," said Lily a bit uncomfortably. "You can write me if you want to. I'm sure they've got a flock of owls you can use. "

"Right. Yeah. Make fun of Mary for me," said Severus.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Ha _ha_. No."

They stared at each other awkwardly.

"Well, I have to go," said Severus.

"Bye, Severus," said Lily.

They stared at each other for a few more minutes. Where there would have usually been a hug from Lily was an awkward silence. She shifted her gaze to the ground.

"Right, okay," said Severus.

"Right, bye," said Lily.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Severus was wandering aimlessly around Diagon Alley with his trunk and backpack. He was supposed to meet Lucius in front of Madame Malkins, since Lucius was being fitted for new robes. But the blonde boy was nowhere to be seen. Nearly forty minutes later, Severus heard the loud, familiar voice behind him.<p>

"Severus—my apologies, absolutely ridiculous summer I've been having." Lucius rushed over, and to Severus' disgust, he was being accompanied by what looked like an ugly, furless emaciated teddy bear that bowed deeply.

"What is that?" Severus asked, frowning.

"I is Prally, sir," said the thing.

"Shut up," snarled Lucius in response. "Do not tell a wizard your name, as though you're introducing yourself as an equal!" He gave Prally a sharp kick on the head and it whimpered. "That's our family house elf," he explained. "Ugly beyond recognition, isn't she?" Lucius said, and then more loudly, "get my friend's bags!"

"Yes sir," squeaked the house elf-thing, bowing deeply again and struggling with Severus' trunk.

"Er… I can get that," Severus said, but Lucius waved him away.

"It makes her feel important. My parents won't let me go anywhere without her, even if I have just turned seventeen. They say I cannot be trusted. My brother got to go around elfless when he was fifteen. THIS IS SEVERUS," he annunciated to the house elf, as if she were hard of hearing. "SEVERUS WILL BE STAYING WITH US FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER." He turned back to Severus, pressing his hand to his heart dramatically. "Really glad you could make it out, though I should warn you, it's a mad house there. I really am _very _close to killing one of them this time, and I'm not exaggerating. Hagawthe and his beloved wife are visiting again, and no one's paying a speck of attention to me. Come along! We can apparate—pick up the pace," he said to the house elf, and kicked her across the behind, making her trip. Severus watched, somewhat amused at Lucius' theatrical antics. He wondered if that was the only way you trained a house elf.

A bit later, they appeared at the gates of a very massive and grey estate. Topiaries surrounded the home, which was in the middle of a dark green moor. "Nice, isn't it?" asked Lucius proudly. Severus nodded, though _enormous _was more the word he was looking for. A dark mist surrounded the home, which Lucius explained was a protection charm. "Father's an important man these days…" They walked up a set of stairs, Lucius hissing at Prally to stop making so much noise with Severus' trunk.

"WE'RE HOME!" Lucius bellowed, flinging open the door. "TAKE THOSE TO THE GUEST ROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR! I put you next to my room," he said to Severus in a normal tone of voice. Prally scurried up the stairs, there was a crack, and she and Severus' trunk disappeared. A thud sounded from above them, and then Severus heard the sound of her rolling his bag down the hallway. Several very large wolfhounds ran into the room, growling horribly and showing their fanged teeth. "Hello, monsters!" greeted Lucius. "This is Sebastian, that's Heathcliffe, and this one is Algernon. I named them." Severus' eyes widened and he stepped back, grasping his backpack in a death grip. In his limited experience with dealing with dogs, he did not like them. These dogs seemed especially frightening.

"What's the matter?" Lucius asked, patting Heathcliffe's massive head. The dog attempted to bite Lucius' whole arm off, and he laughed as though it had just done a trick. "I'll give you a tour." He hurried off down the hallway, the growling dogs baying loudly and running after him.

Overwhelmed, Severus hurried along, taking in the interior of Malfoy Manor. It had an air of Victorian gloom about it. Giant moving portraits hung on what seemed like every possible centimeter of the walls. Unlike the portraits at Hogwarts, the subjects of these paintings seemed both unfriendly and antisocial. Nearly every painting depicted someone scowling, or a group of people whispering about the subject of the next piece of art.

They moved through the front entrance into what appeared to be a sitting room, with a few tables, a black velvet couch and shelves of different artifacts. Stuffed owls, dogs, cats, and lizards lined a shelf that wrapped around the entire ceiling, all with silver plaques showing their names and dates of death. "I go through pets like mad," explained Lucius as they hurried through to the formal dining room, where a few brooms were enchanted to clean the floors on their own. A large glass tank sat above a grand mantelpiece with what appeared to be a floating green baby doll. When Lucius noticed Severus looking he lowered his voice: "Don't ask about that around my parents. That was my brother, he died shortly after birth. If you mention it, they'll tell you all the grisly details. Sometimes I wonder if he's the favorite in the family." Severus did not know whether Lucius was kidding.

They hurried down a very narrow corridor that was dimly lit. The paintings on the walls chattered loudly, asking Lucius about Severus' blood status. "Where is everyone?" he wondered aloud. "Maybe they've all gone out. I hope so. ANYONE HOME?" he yelled, making Severus jump. The three dogs started howling loudly.

They passed through another hallway and heard laughing and talking echoing off the walls. Lucius thrust open a set of large doors emblazoned with a snake's head. "Here you all are!" he announced indignantly. "I've been trying to find you! What are you doing, anyway?" All three dogs ran in and skidded across the floor.

They had walked into a large parlor that had several grey couches, a piano, a wall full of books, and had large murals of what appeared to be a seventeenth century painting of a war between wizards and hideous beasts. Sitting around the room drinking out of thin wine glasses were obviously, Lucius' family. There were two women and two men, and all of them wore the same irritated expression.

"Really, Lucius, do you haveto shout so?" droned a man who appeared to be in his fifties whom Severus knew, from seeing _The Warlock Times_, to be Lucius' father. He had a pointed face and prominent chin, and platinum white slicked back hair.

The other man snickered darkly and sneered at Lucius. He seemed to be in his late twenties and he had dark hair that contrasted deeply with his pale, pointed face and piercing gray eyes. The caramel-skinned woman with green catlike eyes to his right was holding his arm and looked pretty but very bored. "If you wear out your voice, you won't be able to talk. And then what ever would you do?" he asked. Lucius glared at the man.

"Won't you introduce your friend, Lucius? Have we taught you no manners?" asked the brunette woman to the left of Lucius' father, draining her glass and then snapping her fingers. A house elf appeared by her side and poured her another drink.

Lucius scowled at all them before pointing to Severus. "This is my friend from school, Severus Snape."

Severus felt as though he were under a spotlight. "Hullo," he said shyly.

"Hello, Severus," said the younger man, switching his sneer into a charming smile. "I am Hagawthe, Lucius' elder brother. Lucius tells me you were just chosen for the Slug Club as well? Impressive for a third year. I was one of Sluggy's favorites myself. Potions and Quidditch were my strengths. I suppose Slughorn collected Lucius because he thought we were alike, eh Lucius? Lucius is a fair Quidditch player, but he's hardly a sportsman."

"I'm one of Slughorn's favorites, too," snapped Lucius. "He says so all the time. Severus knows—he's seen it! Everyone knows I'm the best player on the Slytherin team. If there weren't so many stupid rules, I'd win games for us all the time—"

"I was the best player at Hogwarts, though. Not only in Slytherin," Hagawthe corrected. "Honestly, Lucius, it's dull how you carry on—"

Their father laughed quietly, which Severus found sort of amusing considering the fact that Lucius was looking at the two of them with a very deadly glare. "Now, now, Lucius certainly has his talents, although presently it is unclear exactly what they are. Welcome to our home, Severus. I am Abraxas Malfoy, Lucius' father. This is my wife, Diana—" he gestured to the brunette woman who gave a poor impression of a smile—"and the newest edition to the Malfoy family, my son's wife Aureila. I trust you are in Slytherin?" Severus nodded, still very aware of the fact that all the members of Lucius' family were staring at him fixedly. Abraxas had such narrow eyes that it was difficult to determine what he was thinking. "Please sit down, Severus." Reluctantly, Severus sat between Hagawthe and Abraxas, who offered Severus a beverage. When Severus agreed to pumpkin juice, Abraxus pounded the armrest of the couch and demanded one of the house elves to fetch it for him. Lucius opted to sit in a large chair across from everyone, continuing to sulk. The dogs curled up on the floor around his feet.

"How is it that you came to befriend my brother?" asked Hagawthe, smiling toothily at Snape.

"_Stop it," _hissed Lucius angrily.

"Boys… This kind of behavior is very unbecoming. I have told you this," warned Diana.

"Need I remind you I am not a _boy, _mother?" simpered Hagawthe.

A house elf approached Severus and handed him a goblet, which he took uneasily, and Diana kicked the house elf with the toe of her heeled boot. "I've told you to use the _black china_ for guests!" Everyone took a pause the conversation to watch as the house elf banged its head on the floor, howling out apologies.

Once the banging ceased, Hagawthe put his glass down on the marble table. "No, I really mean it. I was not implying anything. How did you two meet?" He stared deeply at Severus, who looked away. There was something a bit off about Hagawthe's kind smile.

"We… Lucius was the first person I met in Slytherin, being he was a Prefect," Severus said softly and slowly.

"And how old are you?" asked Hagawthe.

"_Don't," _hissed Lucius.

"Father, are you hearing this? Will you tell Lucius to stop being sensitive? I'm merely making conversation with his friend."

Abraxas smirked. "Lucius, stop being sensitive."

"He's doing it again, though, Father, you KNOW he is!" Lucius whined, crossing his arms. Severus was rather appalled by Lucius' behavior. He was talking in quite a different voice from the one he used at Hogwarts, though this one was just as loud.

"You are so paranoid," chuckled Hagawthe. "But really, Severus? How old?"

"Thirteen," said Severus, unsure of what was going on.

"Ah," said Hagawthe, and then turned to Lucius. "Just as I assumed. No one your own age will have you as a friend, will they Lucius?" He turned back to Severus. "My younger brother doesn't keep friends for long. It's only a matter of time before you surpass him in both skill and intellect, and then you'll have nothing in common—"

"Be quiet!" Lucius said loudly. The dogs awoke and began howling. Severus was surprised. Lucius Malfoy, without friends? Hagawthe was joking, wasn't he?

"Lucius, your father told you. Do not raise your voice!" declared Diana.

"Honestly, Lucius, put those damned things out of their misery," Hagawthe said with a frown as the dogs kept howling. "You're going to kill them eventually, so why not do it straight away?" Aureila smirked, her eyes glowing as she stroked her husband's arm.

"I'M NOT GOING TO KILL THEM!" Lucius bellowed. "HOW DARE YOU—"

"Lucius enjoys experimenting on his animals. He thinks it wise to use them as test subjects for new curses," explained Hagawthe to Severus, grinning.

"All accidents," Lucius explained to Severus angrily. "I really though it would work out—"

Abraxas snickered and snapped his fingers. "Refill our glasses," he told the house elf who appeared at his side.

"No one asked me if I wanted anything," Lucius said, flopping back in the chair extravagantly. "No one ever does." Severus was almost humiliated for how Lucius was acting—he wasn't acting at all as he did at school. It was curious.

Hagawthe rolled his eyes. "You have no problem voicing every other thought and feeling you have—why not ask for your own things once in a while? You're in seventh year, Lucius…Why on earth did they make you Head Boy, I wonder?"

Their mother laughed harshly, adjusting her fox fur stole. "I always did say you took after my mother, Lucius."

"I hated grandmother," said Lucius darkly, crossing his arms.

"She hated you as well. Point proven," Hagawthe replied.

"Let's leave, Severus. I can't take this anymore," said Lucius, and left the room, managing to step on all three dogs at once.

Hagawthe patted Severus' arm and smiled. "Hopefully we'll get to hear more about you as soon as her majesty cools down."

Severus did not find Hagawthe's comment particularly amusing, so he just nodded his head at the family before following Lucius upstairs. Lucius revealed a closet full of different extravagant brooms, and Severus took his pick. They spent the afternoon riding about the Malfoy property, until dinner.

* * *

><p>"So, Severus," Abraxus said loudly, as a group of house elves served them deep bowls of rich stew. "Has your family all been in Slytherin, then?"<p>

Severus, who had been trying not to shovel in his food although he was very hungry, paused in buttering a large roll. "Mostly," he nodded, "though some have been in Ravenclaw."

"That is not so bad," said Diana, "I could tolerate several of my Ravenclaw classmates. Hufflepuffs, though—"

"And Gryffindors,"Hagawthe said. "Horrible, they are. They were always out to prove something. What subjects do you enjoy, Severus?"

"Defense Against the Dark Arts, mostly," said Severus.

Lucius drained a goblet of wine and dabbed his mouth with his napkin. "Severus makes his own curses," he said, and his voice was even louder than usual.  
>"What fun," said Abraxas appreciatively. "I used to threaten people that I knew all of the Unforgiveables. Of course, I was only a fourth year, but they stayed away from me. All except for my good friend Tom Riddle. I daresay that fact endeared me to him." He sneered greatly. "Good man."<p>

"_Great _man," Hagawthe said. "Still a family friend, of course."

"Maybe you can meet him," Lucius chimed in to Severus. "You would be really impressed by his collections."

"Severus," Abraxas said, "I've never heard of another Snape. Where does your family descend from?"

"I don't… I don't know much about it," Severus replied quickly. "My mother's last name is Prince—"

"Aunt Ettione was in her year, remember?" Lucius said.

"Of course," Diana nodded. "But then I've never heard of any Snapes either—you said you were a Pureblood, Severus?"

Without thinking, Severus nodded, although he most certainly did not say.

* * *

><p>"Awful, aren't they?" Lucius asked. They were in his room, which was completely black and green, all velvet and dark wood. His enormous four poster bed was stacked high with pillows, and signed posters of Quidditch players filled one wall, while a shelf of books took up the other wall. He'd enchanted the third wall to bleed, and the fourth had a floating wardrobe that spun round and round. Severus thought it was the best room he'd ever seen. It instantly made up for Lucius' peculiar, almost infantile behavior earlier.<p>

"They're not like my family," said Severus, by way of a compliment, although he did find the Malfoys rather strange.

"Yes, how is your father?" Lucius asked.

"He wasn't around this summer," Severus began and then blanched. _Shit. _"I mean—"

But Lucius' piercing gaze was boring into Severus' face. "He isn't dead, is he?"

Severus had no idea what to do. As calmly as he could, he replied, "Yes, he's dead—I just meant—"

Luicus held up a long, white hand. "No, Severus. There's no need." From a box on his bookshelf, he produced a folded piece of parchment that he tossed at Severus.

Severus unfolded it. It was a letter he'd written last year, a letter to Lucius. In his haste to have a friend doubled with some uncharacteristic carelessness, Severus had told Lucius in this letter that he did not get along well with his father—that his father hated him! Severus bit his lip, and looked up at Lucius, his black eyes wide. This was it. They were done as friends.

Lucius, however, took back the note and said, "Don't look so frightened. I've known for months. I never said anything because I thought you would tell me eventually, but you're very secretive, Severus."

"I just don't like my father," Severus put in. He had no idea what to say beyond this. If Lucius knew Tobias was a Muggle, they'd surely stop being friends. Lying about a dead father was perhaps grim enough for the Malfoy boy that he was willing to forgive it.

"I don't like mine either," said Lucius bitterly. His cheeks were flushed, and suddenly Severus realized that Lucius had perhaps had a great amount of wine over dinner. "In fact, I wish mine were dead. He thinks he's so important, his businesses, his ideas! Just because I don't think like him! I stand out, Severus. Everything I do is a joke to them."

Severus felt uncomfortable and a bit stressed, as the intensity of the conversation just kept building. He'd half expected to be thrown out into the yard by a dozen angry house elves.

Lucius was still talking: "One day, I'm going to show my father that I can surpass Hagawthe's talents. I know I can. And then," he paused, "they'll wish they never treated me this way."

It was the first time that Severus had genuinely been able to relate to Lucius Malfoy.

Maybe sensing he'd gone a bit far, Lucius strode over to his bookshelf and selected a text. "This one shows you one hundred ways to hurt someone fatally during a duel. It shows actual pictures of peoples' limbs being taken off."

"Excellent," said Severus brightly.


	7. Made You Squirm

AN: This chapter took quite a different turn than I had intended it to. Since Lily and Severus are getting older, the story will have three or so chapters for each school year rather than two. I've been really sick this past week and a half, and I had hoped what that meant was that I'd get this chapter up by Tuesday night. Wrong. It just meant that I've spent a longer time than usual reworking how the plot is going to go for the next couple chapters. I know you probably don't care about all these details so I leave you to the reading. Let me know what you think.

Edit: My old laptop plus this site's doc manager made for some odd errors (all the italics running together and some other strange things). I tried to fix it, but I may not have caught all of them. Ugh!

* * *

><p>Chapter Seven: Made You Squirm<p>

_End of summer until November of third year_

* * *

><p>"<em>I've got a crush on a pretty pistol.<em>

_Should I tell her that I feel this way?_

_I've got love songs in my head._

_Killing us away."_

-Marilyn Manson

* * *

><p><em>Lily,<em>

_You said I could write you so I'm writing you. How's old Mary doing? This summer sure hasn't been boring so I guess I can't complain too much. Lucius' manor is even huger than I thought. I don't even think they use half the rooms. I guess his father just wanted to buy the biggest one and show off to everyone. Lucius' family is all a bit of crazy. I wasn't expecting that. His brother especially. It's like he has two personalities, one for their parents and one he only uses in front of Lucius. They have all these house elves who cook, clean, and do everything in the house. If the house elves do anything wrong they beat themselves. I guess it can be funny at first but then it's just sort of depressing. I wish we could use our wands. I've got all these ideas for spells I would like to make and no way to test it besides Lucius testing them on me and really, that gets old after the third or fourth time. Did you get all your books? Lucius' father bought me all of mine, all new copies, too. That means I had extra money, plus the money I earned tutoring, and that's how I'm sending you this message. The owl that's delivering it is my own owl! You're the first person I'm sending post to. I'm still thinking of a name for her. That's all I can think of. Write me back. _

_Your friend_

_Severus Snape_

"Who is that for, Severus?" drawled Lucius, who stifled a yawn. He was poking his head into the guest room where Severus had been staying. Severus was all ready in his pajamas and was lying across the bed, his new schoolbooks strewn out around him. Immediately, he folded up the letter and stuck it into its envelope. His small black owl hooted excitedly, snatched envelope and set off out the window. She'd been waiting all day to deliver a letter, and Severus was quite glad to be free of her for a bit as she'd been hooting nonstop and nibbling his fingers since tea time. He supposed he had to go easy on her—she was an owlet after all—but he'd never had a pet before and it was a little overwhelming.

"Mulciber," Severus lied. "He asked me to correct his last History of Magic test before the summer was out."

"Ah," said Lucius, strolling into the room. He was wearing black silk pajamas, his hair swept back from his face, looking put-together as usual. Severus had learned enough about Lucius in the short time he'd visited Malfoy Manor to write a series of character studies on his friend—not that he'd ever want to. Lucius seemed to switch effortlessly from being boastful, smooth and confident to anxious and high strung in a matter of seconds, something Severus had never experienced from him at Hogwarts. Lucius' family seemed to put him in a highly defensive state. Lucius and Hagawthe had a particularly unusual relationship, which Severus figured he did not understand because he did not have any siblings. Lucius spent copious amounts of time on both his appearance and making simple decisions, which his father and brother teased him about mercilessly. The family had gone to a fine restaurant in Knockturn Alley, and Lucius had spent almost fifteen minutes deciding on what to eat, wringing his hands the entire time.

_"__Deciding __drives_ _him_ _insane,_ _" _Hagawthe announced loudly to Severus, just as Lucius was voicing how perhaps he should have gone with the steak instead of the mushroom risotto, _"_ _you__'__d__ do __well __to_ _know __that __if __you__'__re __going __to __be __spending __all __your __time __together.__" _To Lucius, he sneered, "_You__'__re __going __to __throw __it __up __anyway.__"_

Lucius' father joined in on the verbal discourse but in Severus' opinion, he was just as loud as Lucius was, and twice as bigheaded. He seemed intent on letting everyone around himknow how much money he had. Anywhere they went, he would come out of the store with something new. Lucius' mother was almost disturbingly apathetic to everything that was going on and seemed to be very good at pretending all of them did not exist, which must have taken years of practice given how loud they all were. Hagawthe's wife had at first seemed to be uncomfortable with the ways of the Malfoy clan, until Severus had realized that she liked to join in on the heckling and snobby comments, but under her breath. She particularly seemed to dislike Lucius. Severus had never met people like this in his life. It was like reading a novel. It had not been a bad visit, but Severus was wholly ready to be back at Hogwarts.

Lucius yawned again, and perched at the end of the bed, crossing his legs primly before him. "Want to do something?" he asked. "I'm bored."

"What would we do? You've all ready broken my nose twice today and you're not very good at putting it right," Severus replied, rubbing it to prove a point. It still stung. Lucius was practicing for his new class, Magical Maladies. He told Severus that he'd only signed up so he could curse the people he hated in his year. He admitted he did not particularly care about healing injuries, only creating them.

"Sorry," Lucius said with a smirk. He gave a slight chortle at all of the books. "Are you looking forward to going back tomorrow or what?"

Severus nodded. "I can't wait to use magic again. And I've got that double period of Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Yes, but with Gryffindors," Lucius replied, wrinkling his nose. "Maybe you can find a way to kill Potter and Black and make it look like an accident. I'd help you."

Severus laughed. "Yeah, maybe," he said, but he was more excited about showing off to Lily. Ever since that first dueling lesson he'd given her, he'd been thinking endlessly about her, touching her. He was beginning to think he was going a little mad with it. He didn't just think about her while he was wanking off either; he thought in broad daylight about how much he liked positioning his hand on her back, whispering directions in her ear. He figured he just liked dueling. But this summer had confused him. Not only had Lily asked for him to show her how to duel again, she'd made a big deal of not knowing how to position herself. He'd never known Lily to forget something so easily. Not to mention the time at her house when she mistakenly touched him during playing Scrabble. His entire body had tensed up, and he'd had to get out of there before she could notice the instant erection she'd given him, his too-small jeans tenting up around it. It had been abysmal. And then, he'd tried to hang out with her but she'd avoided him. And _then,_she'd invited that idiot Mary MacDonald to come stay. Severus was afraid Mary was going to snatch Lily's brain. Lily was all ready becoming gigglier—he didn't want Mary putting ideas in Lily's head about how _dreamy_Sirius Black was. Lily was his friend, and if she ever decided she fancied a stupid, over-blown prat like Sirius, Severus was going to have to protect her from what could be a terrible fate. It was the least he could do.

"Narcissa wrote today," said Lucius, studying his fingernails. "She's looking forward to seeing us. She wants to sit together on the train."

"Are you two even going together?" Severus asked, and it was then that he realized he hadn't heard much from Lucius about her since the double date that past winter.

Lucius gave a small shrug. "It's a bit complicated. She's very shy," he said, and it was obvious he did not wish to give any more details, which did not bother Severus in the least. He'd rather talk to Lucius about other things now, and keep thoughts of girls to himself. Otherwise Lucius might pry about who he fancied and he had no idea about how to answer that. He hardly thought he fancied Lily. He just liked her a whole lot and very much wanted to touch her. He wondered if Lucius would understand. "She hardly speaks to me now. Sometimes it would be helpful to be able to read girls' minds," Lucius was saying.

"Can some wizards _actually_ read minds?" Severus asked suddenly, unable to believe he'd forgotten to ask until now. "I've looked throughout some of our schoolbooks and I've never seen anything about it."

"I don't know," said Lucius, looking interested. "Why do you ask?"

"I think my mum can read minds," Severus replied, "but she wouldn't say. I don't know why I can't find anything on it—"

"It's called the study of Legilimency," said Hagawthe from the doorway, and then he stepped into the room, wearing a wide grin that showcased his perfect teeth and seemed to make his chin jut out even further than normal. "Look at you two, getting all _cozy._"

Lucius immediately jumped off of the bed, looking red in the face, and Severus backed up against the headboard. "Get out of here! I'll tell Father you won't leave us alone—" Lucius said.

"And _I__'__ll _tell him you were snuggled up in bed with your little third year friend," Hagawthe replied. "Honestly, Lucius."

Exasperated, Severus shook his head. "That's not what we were doing at all!" he said, attempting a tone that was both polite and assertive. He was only a guest, after all, and besides, he wanted to ask Lucius' brother more about this Legilimency thing.

"Oh, I know that's not what _you _were doing," corrected Hagawthe.

Lucius looked ready to spit fire. "You get out of here! I'll tell—"

The two brothers were nose-to-nose, looking remarkably Yin and Yang with Lucius' pale face and blonde hair, and Hagawthe's dark hair and black cloak. "We both know you won't tell, Lucius," said Hagawthe so quietly and eerily that the hairs on Severus' neck stood up.

Lucius seemed to experience the same reaction. His face became very somber and he bid them goodnight, brushing past his brother and going back to his room.

"He never could take a joke," said Hagawthe, and then to Severus' annoyance he took a seat in the leather armchair across from the bed. "They don't teach you how to be a Legilimens at Hogwarts, which is why you cannot find any information on it in your current books. It's a dangerous subject, see. Hogwarts is a very safe school. You can thank Albus Dumbledore for that."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "How does anyone know it, then? Is it something you can learn once you've aged up?"

Hagawthe ran a hand through his dark wavy hair. "You can learn a great many things once you have graduated from Hogwarts. However, should you want to get started earlier, they may have text on it in the Restricted Section, but as you probably know, you'd need a note to access anything there."

Severus shook his head slowly. He hadn't known that, but now that he did he considered all of the text he could read on all sorts of subjects not fit to be taught at Hogwarts. "How do you get a note?" he found himself asking.

"You need a professor," said Hagawthe, "unless you're good at forging spells. That was how I checked out most of my books at the end of my school career. I daresay you can teach yourself—you'll find out how in any old book on simple spells—"

"Won't the librarian know?" asked Severus. "I mean, don't they check that sort of thing?"

"Say you're writing a big report. And don't look suspicious," was Hagawthe's simple answer. "There wouldn't be any reason for her to check, then, would there?" Severus wondered if it was really that easy—he could just imagine the self-important Hagawthe, prized Quidditch player and loved student, lying to get all of the answers he wanted. It irked Severus and made him a little jealous. "If your mother knows Legilimency, she must be quite a talented witch. It takes a lot of drive to be able to pull the thoughts out of other people. Of course, she could just be nosy."

"I don't know," said Severus. "All I know is that I want to know as much as I can at Hogwarts—I want to be the best in my year."

"You seem intelligent, which is more than I can say for others my brother has brought back with him. I daresay that's why he's kept you around this long—no doubt he was tired of his usual sort of companion." Hagawthe flipped his wrist with a mock-haughty expression. "No, surprisingly my brother is not totally stupid… but he's improvident."

Severus stared at Hagawthe, trying to figure out why he was prattling on so much. What did any of it mean? Part of Severus felt satisfied he'd been one of Lucius' "longest" friends, but given that they'd only really begun getting to know each other, he had no idea whether that was a good thing. He didn't want to be dropped by Lucius, particularly now that Lucius knew Snape's father was alive.

"Yes, you're certainly different," Hagawthe went on, and his eyes suddenly searched Severus' face, wandered down his torso. Instantly, the piercing gaze locked back into Severus' eyes. "It's uncommon for a Pureblood wizard to be unaccustomed to seeing house elves," he said suddenly.

"I… I've seen them before," Severus lied.

"But you don't own any," said Hagawthe skeptically.

Severus' heart was pounding. It would be bad if Lucius knew he was a halfblood but he had not even considered Hagawthe finding out first. "No… but it doesn't mean I haven't seen them before," Severus said, trying to sound normal.

"I knew it. You're not from any money at all, are you, Severus?" Hagawthe asked. "My father guessed it—it's not a _horrible_ thing, but I must admit I am going to have a chat with Lucius about the sort of company he's keeping these days. Intelligent or not, it doesn't look good for Malfoys to be parading around with just anyone these days, not with Father's recent successes."

Severus stared blankly at Hagawthe. This had not been what he was expecting.

"Your accent, your clothes… No doubt my father thinks helping you out will make him look even more charitable to the public eye, but frankly, I have no idea what you're doing, staying in my house. We may all be wizards, but you've got nothing in common with our family, Severus. I trust you'll remember that? Goodnight," said Hagawthe briskly and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Severus sat there alone, his face burning at Hagawthe's words. He really, really hated Lucius' brother and he decided that if he was lucky for anything, it was growing up as an only child. For a grown-up, Hagawthe definitely acted immature. But then again, Severus wondered who he thought he was kidding—it was pretty obvious he was not from money now that Hagawthe mentioned it. Embarrassed, he thought about how he must have looked, clutching the envelope of coins his mother had given him before he'd gone to Lucius', wearing his robes that were now higher than his ankles. He'd felt out of place with Lucius' family, watching them argue over which new clothes Lucius should get from Diagon Alley for back to school and he'd never been in a fancy restaurant before. He wondered if the way he'd stared at all the different silverware had given him away.

Again as he'd done with the thought of Lily, he asked himself if Lucius knew, or if he would care. Lily was the only person who knew about his background, and it did not seem to bother her much. Of course, she was different than other people. She was amazing.

His face burned more at that thought. _What__'__s __wrong __with __me? _he thought, _she__'__s __just __my __friend._ He sighed. _My __very __nice-l__ooking __friend._

* * *

><p>"Lily!" greeted Remus Lupin, giving her a hug outside the train compartment Lily and Mary had chosen. "How was your summer?"<p>

Lily's heart gave a nervous little leap at the interaction, and Mary laughed from behind her, which made her blush. "It was really good. _Mary_came to visit." She shot her friend a little glare. "And yours?" Lily took a seat next to Mary and put her book bag down on the floor.

"Oh, it was just fine," said Remus. "I'm really glad to be back though, honestly. Summer at my house gets a little dull. Can I sit with you both?" The train whistle sounded and the engine began to pump.

Mary giggled. "Of course you can!" She made a giant show of scooting over in the compartment so that there was a giant gap where Remus could sit between her and Lily.

"Hey you lot!" greeted James Potter, who slid in the compartment and immediately sat down in the space between Mary and Lily. Mary sighed, shaking her head. "What's with you?" James asked. "Oi, Remus, what're you standing around for?"

Remus sat across from them, his expression unreadable. "Hey James," he greeted. "How was your summer?"

"Fantastic! I never wanted to leave! I mean, who would want to come back to homework?" James groaned. "Not that I didn't want to see all my favorite people though." He grinned. "All right, Evans?"

Lily made a face. "I'm fine, thanks. But unlike you, I'm quite glad to be back—"

"How am I not surprised? SIRIUS! PETER! GET IN HERE!" James yelled.

The two boys waved and grinned, basically falling into the compartment on either side of Remus.

"Hiya!" Peter greeted, his pockets so stuffed with sweets from the trolley that they were bursting at the seams. He began distributing candy to everyone. "My mother gave me extra money," he explained, "I think she wanted me to get new robes but I found this hemming charm so I'm saving my money for Hogsmede—"

"A _hemming_charm?" James burst out. "Peter, you hang out with your mum way too much—"

"Hello, ladies," said Sirius with a mock-cheesy grin.

Lily rolled her eyes, but Mary waved. "Hi Sirius. Did your brother ever get his racing broom?"

Sirius blushed. "Let's not talk about him, he's a whiny little brat."

"He and Snivellus are probably best mates in Slytherin," chimed in James.

"Actually, Severus doesn't like him," Lily replied. "He says he's babyish—"

"Takes one to know one," said James. "Ah. Speak of the devil! HELLO SNIVELLUS! "

Severus and Lucius Malfoy were standing in front of the compartment, and Severus turned around and frowned.

Lily smiled, giving him a little wave. She'd missed Severus for the remainder of the summer, and she'd been looking forward to seeing him again even if she was still a bit mystified by what she'd seen him do in the clearing.

He gave a short nod of acknowledgement and Lucius stuck his face on the compartment window and pointed to the Head Boy badge on his robes with a big smile. Lucius and Severus walked away laughing, and Sirius made a rude gesture at the window. Lily bristled—she did not like the way Snape had regarded her. What was he trying to do, look big in front of Lucius Malfoy? That wouldn't do at all. She crossed her arms, annoyed.

"Oh bloody hell. With Malfoy as Head Boy, no one will be able to so much as fart in the hallways now," moaned James, putting his face in his hands.

* * *

><p>"Severus, can I speak to you?" Lily asked, sitting down beside him. They were in the Defense of the Dark Arts classroom, waiting for class to start. To the side of Snape, Rosier laughed and leaned in.<p>

"Sorry Evans," she said. "There isn't enough room for your boobs here."

Severus gave her an annoyed expression and turned to Lily. "What do you want?" he whispered.

"Don't ask me like that! You haven't even tried to talk to me once! Why are you acting weird?" Lily said back.

"I'm not acting weird," Severus said quietly, "I've just been busy. It's only the first day of class after all."

"Well, I think it's odd you haven't talked to me once."

"You didn't hang out with me most of the summer and I didn't come over and yell at you," Severus replied, lowering his voice.

"I'm not yelling," Lily said loudly. "Why are you acting off?"

"I'm not acting off," Severus retorted. "Can we talk about this later?"

"If you'll even talk to me," Lily snapped.

"_Another_new professor?" sighed Rosier, looking glum as a dark-skinned wizard in purple robes walked up to the front of the room. Lily folded her arms and looked away from Severus.

"Why are you sitting next to Rosier anyway?" she asked Severus out of the side of her mouth.

"Not by choice," he replied quietly. "She always tries to cheat off me."

After taking roll, the man stepped up to the podium. "As many of you know," he boomed," Professor Rughvaught was summoned back to take his full-time position at Saint Mungo's. My name is Salvander Shacklebolt. I am first and foremost a worker for Ministry of Magic in the Department of Cursed Objects. I graduated from Hogwarts almost twenty years ago. I am a Gryffindor alumnus—"

James and Sirius cheered.

Shacklebolt held up his hand. "_But_don't think that means I will favor you. Gryffindors can be a right pack of over-confident dunderheads, and yes, in my school days I would include myself in that category. Now I believe you've had the regular curriculum so far, first year focusing on the history of how dark magic was forged, and also histories of ancient beasts and monsters, second year was focused on… Well, wake up, all—someone tell me what you learned last year—"

Severus promptly raised his hand and Shacklebolt nodded. "We focused mostly on the ways to identify dangerous creatures and half-breeds, namely vampires, werewolves and giants. We also began to learn dueling strategies, we did an end of term report where we chose a half-breed to focus on, we learned several disarming spells and a few defensive strategies," he said quickly and then drew a breath. Several students in class laughed quietly.

"Five points to Slytherin. Snape, was it?" said Shacklebolt. Behind Snape, Sirius groaned.

"Good job, Sev," whispered Lily in his ear. He felt his body tingle up and he sent her a little smile. She couldn't be too mad at him, then. That was good. He absolutely couldn't stand being at the wrong end of her temper, even if she _was_acting wonky.

"He asked for what we learned last year, not every detail we ever learned in our lives," whispered Potter from the seat directly behind Severus, and poked him in the head with the end of his quill. Severus turned around and glared.

"Shut _up,__" _Lily said harshly.

James hissed at her like a cat. Sirius meowed.

* * *

><p>The second week of classes, Lily excused herself from Charms to the lavatory, feeling a bit off. Once she sat down in a stall, she was completely horrified—she even gasped out loud. Dark blood had soaked through her pants and was even all over the back of her robes. She had read about the menstrual cycle two summers ago in her puberty book, but she figured that was something that only happened to unlucky people. She was completely distraught. Obviously, she could not ever leave the loo. That was it. She was going to post up in this stall forever. She sighed loudly, feeling dangerously close to both tears and anger.<p>

"Are you all right in there?" asked a smooth, quiet voice from the next stall.

Lily turned bright red. In her horror, she hadn't realized she was not alone. But now she noticed the fancy, pointed-toe boots on the floor of the stall beside hers. "Everything's okay," she said quietly. There was a moment of silence, and Lily decided maybe she was being a bit ridiculous. She couldn't very well stay in here forever. She had Charms still, and next was Potions, and after all, she was rather hungry for dinner. "Actually," she said slowly, "I've got a sort of problem. I think I've got my… my…" She took a deep breath and took the plunge. "I've got my period. It's my first time."

"Oh dear," said the girl. "I'm sorry. Hold on a moment, will you? I haven't got anything for you, but I can take you up to the hospital wing. Nurse McIntire always stocks these pads that keep for a week without you having to change them or anything." The girl got out of her stall, washed her hands, and Lily slowly emerged, embarrassed.

The girl turned out to be the Slytherin fourth year Narcissa Black. "You'll be okay," she said gently, and though Lily had previously thought she was pretty, she'd never seen such kindness in her eyes. "I'll walk with you. I've got a free study period before Care of Magical Creatures."

"Narcissa, right? You're in my friend's house," said Lily. "Severus Snape?"

"Oh yes, Severus," said Narcissa. "He's my boyfriend's—well, he's Lucius Malfoy's best friend. And your name?"

_Lucius __Malfoy__'__s __best __friend?_Thought Lily, a bit irritated. "I'm Lily Evans," she replied. "I'm in Gryffindor—"

"That sounds familiar," said Narcissa quietly. "I've never heard the Evans name before."

"I'm the first of my family to go to Hogwarts," said Lily.

Something shifted in Narcissa's eyes but she said nothing.

When they reached the nurse's, Lily beamed. "Thanks a lot," she said, "it was really nice of you—"

"Yes, well, don't mention it," Narcissa replied, her tone a bit frosty. "Good luck."

"Don't tell Severus about this," Lily said quickly. "Please?"

"I wouldn't do that," Narcissa told her, and she seemed earnest.

* * *

><p>"What's the Slug Club?" asked Remus, staring over Lily's shoulder at the rather flashy invitation she'd just received for the first start of term gathering. They were sitting outside in the courtyard on one of the benches, waiting for James to get off Quidditch practice. The three of them had a project due for Transfigurations that they needed to work on.<p>

"Slughorn invites some people to banquets and dances," replied Lily, reading over the invite which was supposed to admit her to a formal dessert social. "I don't quite know how he picks out who he wants."

"You're brilliant at Potions, Lily," said Remus, "I'm sure that's part of it. Not to mention everything else. I just can't quite throw myself into school the way you do—"

"That's rubbish," she replied, opening her bag and putting the invitation inside. "You got the best marks in our year on that paper you did on werewolves. Severus was quite wound up about it."

Remus turned a bit pink. "That was really nothing. I sort of—well, I wasn't really proud of that. I all ready knew a lot about the subject. It was honestly kind of cheating, I only did it because I procrastinated and James told me I should, Severus probably should have gotten the best marks-"

"Don't be silly," Lily said with a giggle. "You did a great presentation!"

Behind them, there was a crash. They both turned around to find that Severus had fallen into some bushes just beyond the bench. He stood up at once, brushing himself off and looking a bit wild.

"Severus, were you spying on us?" Lily asked.

"No," he said shortly, "I was out here to find you because I got my Slug Club invite, I didn't know you'd be with _Lupin__—"_

"Hello, Snape," smiled Remus falsely.

"_Anyway,__" _Severus said, "are you going?"

"Of course, Severus. It sounds like a lot of fun—"

"Dessert, formal, social," Severus rattled off bleakly. "All things I hate."

"You hate dessert?" asked Remus, sounding a bit amused.

"He's being funny," Lily said.

"Hardly," said Severus.

"I guess dessert isn't quite dark enough for you," remarked James, striding in and standing opposite Snape, dressed in his Quidditch uniform and flexing his snitch-arm.

"Potter," Severus said angrily. "What are you doing here?"

"I go to school here, smarty!" James said.

"We're working on a project," Lily said. "You're welcome to hang out with us if you want—"

"_Evans__—" _protested James.

"Don't worry, Potter. I have better things to do," said Severus, and hustled off.

"Yes, fly away, bat!" called James.

"Don't do that," Lily snapped. "I'm going after him. You two can sort out the project. I've done a lot on it anyway." She tossed a notebook at James' face and then ran off after Severus. When she caught up with him, he was wiping his face. "Severus?"

"Ugh, go away," he said thickly. She noticed he had a twig stuck in his hair.

"Were you crying?" asked Lily, trying to ignore the twig.

"I don't cry," Severus sniffled. "I'm just a little angry, okay? Every time I want to see you, you're hanging out with Potter and Lupin or some other damn idiot—"

"I'm _not _hanging out with Potter. What does he have to do with this? We're doing a project together, a project that's going to be late because all he cares about is Quidditch," Lily said.

Severus' expression brightened. "Still," he said. "When can I see you? You said you wanted to, and I haven't seen you anywhere besides class—"

"I could say the same to you. You're always with your new best friend," said Lily.

"New best friend?"

"Lucius Malfoy," Lily replied," Narcissa Black says you two are best friends. I thought you didn't see him besides dueling—"

"Oh yeah, well, I do see him sometimes. It would be impossible not to," Severus said slowly, "but that's not why I haven't seen _you._I haven't seen you 'cause you're always busy. I haven't even gotten to talk to you about summer or anything. You kept avoiding me before I went to Lucius' house. Did Mary MacDonald tell you you'd get cooties from me or something?"

Lily avoided his eye contact, remembering instantly how she'd walked in on him touching himself, and how odd that had made her feel. There hadn't been a night over the summer that she hadn't thought about that—the sounds he made, the way he pumped his member in his hand, the feeling of guilt and fascination she had while watching him… "No, she didn't say anything," Lily said. "I just got busy, that's all."

"So you wanna go with me to Slughorn's stupid thing?" asked Severus.

Lily nodded, "Yeah, if you try not to complain the entire time. Honestly, Severus. You hate dessert now?"

"It's not my favorite," he said, but he was smiling slightly. Lily watched him. Something about him was different. It could have been the fact that his voice was no longer alternating between squeaking and going low. He was speaking in a new, solely deep register that made him sound older and more cutting, if that was possible. He'd also surpassed her in height again, despite her own growth spurt over the summer. Her eyes were about level with his nose. His face was still thin, but it had filled out, making his nose look less dramatically large. She was surprised at how different her friend had gotten in such a short amount of time. Or perhaps it was just that she hadn't studied him like this in awhile. "What're you looking at?" he asked her.

"Nothing," she said. "You have a stick in your hair—"

"Oh," he replied, and shook his head, his shoulder-length hair flipping from side to side.

"Wait—that didn't do anything, here, lemme—" She took out the twig and grinned. "I can't believe you fell in a bush."

"Shut up, you," he said.

"I'd better go help them with that project," Lily said.

"Aw," Severus protested. "Hang out with me instead?" he asked throatily.

Lily's insides did a little somersault. "I'd really better go, but I'll see you Saturday night at the party, okay?"

Severus nodded glumly. "Okay."

* * *

><p>Severus was leading a study group in the Slytherin common room on distraction spells that Shacklebolt had taught them that day.<p>

"Spell to make a windstorm," read Avery from a note card.

"_Airrealius,__" _Mulciber said. "Spell to make a snake come out of your wand?"

"No idea," replied Avery, throwing down his cards. "To hell with this test. I'm going to fail it—"

"_Serpensortia,__" _Severus snapped. "Honestly, that's the easiest one. Not to mention the best."

"Not all of us are as nerdy as you, Snape," Rosier said. "Give us a break, we've been studying three hours now."

"You asked me to help you," Severus said," and I'm just being honest. The test's on Friday, so you've still got time. If you were better at studying, you'd be getting this straight away—"

"Who is Shacklebolt kidding, anyway?" Mulciber voiced, ignoring Severus' annoyance. "This kind of memorizing work is completely ridiculous. I can't learn this way."

"If you don't memorize spells, you'll just be waving your wand around while you get cursed!" Severus said tersely. "But see if I care. Get cursed. I'm going to bed."

"Sweet dreams," Rosier said, with a tone of disdain in her voice. They handed Snape several Galleons, which he pocketed immediately. He packed up his books and headed down the stairs to the common room.

"Hello, Severus," greeted Lucius, who was coming up, followed by Regulus Black. "How are you doing?"

"Hello, Severus," echoed Regulus.

"I'm tired of knowing so many stupid people," replied Severus, sending Regulus a glare. "Other than that, I'm okay."

"That's too bad," Regulus replied sympathetically, completely missing Snape's sour expression that was directed at him.

Lucius snickered. "I know what you mean. Being Head Boy really puts this entire school in perspective. Plus, working with Andromeda again is just plain hysterical. She's so furious I got the position that she hardly speaks to me. Thank Salazar. You'll be free to duel tomorrow, won't you, Severus?"

Severus nodded eagerly. "I want to try out some new spells."

Lucius' eyes lit up. "Regulus," he said enchantingly, "would you like to start hanging out with Severus and me?"

The younger boy grinned. "That would be great!"

Severus smirked knowingly at Lucius. This was going to be great fun.

* * *

><p>"I've decided I'm never going to get married or have children," said Scarlet, whose summer had apparently been ruined by her cousin coming for a visit, bearing his newborn infant. "It seems really annoying."<p>

Scarlet, Muruvi, Alice, Lily and Mary were all spread out in front of the Gryffindor common room fire, talking and studying the newest spells they'd learned in Charms. Alice flicked her wand and turned a Galleon coin into a cockroach and back again, which took a lot of effort because the cockroach moved so fast.

"I want to have one child," she said. "Only one. And I don't care if I have a husband or boyfriend or not—"

"Well, you'd have to at some point," laughed Mary, "unless you're just going to get yourself pregnant!"

"Can that happen?" Muruvi asked, looking disturbed.

"No," Scarlet said quickly, "though I read in Witch Weekly that some woman in Yorkshire used a potion to get herself pregnant, but the potion was faulty and now she has a hundred kids…"

"I heard it was fifty," said Alice, "and anyway, all I meant was I just want a baby. I think they're nice. I would teach mine all kinds of useful things."

"Ugh, I don't want a baby," said Lily, turning her sickle into a button. She sighed, said the spell again, and it became a cockroach and scurried away before she could fix it. She'd never voiced this opinion aloud, but really, she thought pregnancy was a bit frightening. "And I don't know if I want to get married. I don't want to stay at home."

"You don't have to stay at home," said Mary. "You can do anything you want. My mum works for the Ministry and my dad stayed at home to raise me."

"Well, my mother does everything around the house and even though she seems happy, I just never want to be like that," Lily said with a shrug. "I'd rather do something exciting, like invent new potions or work in a bookstore—"

"That sounds boring!" Mary said.

"Not to me. I like books and I like potions. Imagine if I could open my own shop and just read all day?"

"I want to help people," said Alice. "I want to work for the Ministry and help out in some way, maybe fight some dark wizards—"

"That sounds good," Lily agreed, "something like that would be fun." She and Alice struck poses reminiscent of "Charlie's Angels", which Lily had told them all about, and Mary laughed. "What are dark wizards, though?"

"I always forget you're Muggle-born, Lily," said Muruvi. "Dark wizards—"

"That's right, she'd be the expert, being that her family's all in Slytherin—"

"Quiet, Mary. Dark wizards are just people who choose to perform the dark arts instead of using defensive spells _against _them. They use curses that actually hurt people, or curses to get people to tell them what they want to hear… to get information that the people wouldn't share if they weren't cursed," Muruvi said. "They use the Unforgivable Curses—"

"What does that mean?" Lily wanted to know, and a tingle went up her spine like it used to do when she'd read the scary stories she loved so much, like learning about the Dementors.

"There's three, the first one's the Imperius Curse," replied Mary. "That's the one she was pretty much just talking about. You can get someone to do whatever you want."

"A lot of crimes have to do with it," Scarlet said. "Most of the crimes in the _Daily__Prophet_ have to do with the Imperius, because you can't prove whether someone was acting on it or not—"

"Then there's the Cruciatus Curse," added Alice, "which is one where you make someone feel such horrible pain that they can't move—"

"Sometimes it makes people go crazy, and then they aren't right after that," Muruvi said.

"Why would you want to use it on someone?" Lily wanted to know, her heartbeat rising.

"You get sent to Azkaban if you get caught using any of them, but some people have used it in defense, you know, like I heard about a girl getting raped and using the Cruciatus," Mary explained. At the other girls' stares, she said importantly, "You know what that means, right? She didn't want to have sex with this boy and he made her."

Alice made a face. "That's awful."

Lily nodded, her eyes wide. Being that she could hardly imagine having sex, she had no idea what that must be like.

"It is, so she found the boy again and she put the Cruciatus Curse on him. My mum was all for her to get off trial but she ended up going to Azkaban anyway. They said she was dangerous. Other people just use it for fun, though. Or because someone made them mad," said Mary.

"Then the third one is the worst," said Muruvi. "It's the killing curse. Just one spell, and you can kill someone. Then they're just gone."

"Wait… I remember hearing about that one," Lily said. "I think Severus told me about it one time a few summers ago—"

"He _would _know about that. No offense, Lily, but Severus always seems to know quite a lot of creepy things. I saw him in the back of History of Magic making himself bleed," Scarlet said with a grimace.

"What?" Lily asked. "What do you mean?"

"Just like I said. He was muttering some curse on himself and putting his wand on his hand and blood was dripping out. And to top it all off, he was just sitting there smiling!" Scarlet said. "He's sort of insane—"

"He's not insane, he's just Severus," said Lily, but she was picturing the scene and felt a little chill. Why did Severus always have to draw attention to himself in such odd ways?

* * *

><p>"Oh, I'm not angry. I'm used to it," Regulus was saying cheerfully from the floor, despite the fact that his face was bleeding, "think about it. My cousin Bellatrix, my brother, they're always testing things out on me. I have to say though, Snape, your curse needs a bit of work. It wasn't very funny. As a matter of fact, it hurt quite a lot!"<p>

Severus gritted his teeth. "It's not supposed to be _funny_." He'd been working on a spell that made the recipient's face break out in scratches, the _Sectumsempra. _As he'd thought, the curse still needed work, but it had been pretty impressive to see Regulus' face shred into a bloody mess. Severus needed to work on his delivery, though. He wanted a _lot _of scratches and a _lot _of blood.

Lucius bent over Regulus, and muttered a healing curse. "That Magical Maladies class actually comes in handy for things like this."

"Thanks Lucius. Bellatrix never fixes me up after she curses me, so this is lots more fun. Do you two get together here all the time? I want to join. I wish I was better at dueling. I love to read about dark magic and spells—you two are so good at it. My brother tried all summer to study up on new spells, he said he needed it to fight you, Severus, but I told him you were always reading spells on dark magic and that he'd never stand a chance with his stupid pranking spells and he got mad at me—but I was telling the truth, everyone says so, even if they also say you're weird and call you Snivellus—"

"Reg," warned Lucius, looking over at Severus. "That isn't polite."

"I don't care what they say," Severus replied, "but are you telling the truth about Sirius? He actually tried to study so he could fight me?"

Regulus nodded, and began talking very fast. "Of course, he promised me not to tell but then he went and ruined my favorite dragon action figure and he cursed my pet Kreacher and so I don't really care about telling you. You can ask me anything you want about Sirius and I'll tell you. Kreacher and I don't like him. Our mother doesn't like him much either. In fact, she thinks he's a show off and a big disappointment. She's still mad he didn't make Slytherin—she says she shouldn't have been surprised though since he wasn't good enough. She says he deserves to be in Gryffindor with the Mudbloods and the attention seekers, she says he fits right in. He and my mother fight all the time. He's usually up in his room upset about it."

Severus smiled unpleasantly. Overconfident, charming Sirius Black seemed to have more problems than Severus ever would have dreamed. This was completely satisfying news. "Does he cry about it in his room?" Severus asked nastily.

"Sometimes," Regulus laughed. "He told Mother to stop hassling him about his grades last year and he cried about that. He also gets really mad when I hide his Gryffindor pride stuff. Bellatrix fixed it all this summer so it was Slytherin colors and he got really mad at her. Then she taught me how, so when I'm able to use a wand at home, I'm going to make EVERYTHING in his room Slytherin colors. Really, it's easy to make him mad even though he acts like it's not, I can help you! Let me hang out with you and I'll tell you anything I find out about Sirius. Please? _Please!_"

Lucius and Severus exchanged a glance. "And you'll let me test out my spells on you?" asked Severus. Regulus was annoying but it was almost preferable if they were going to hang out with Lucius. Severus had a guarantee that he'd still be Lucius' top friend.

"Yes," Regulus nodded, "as long as you teach me some of the stuff you know. Please? Please, Lucius?"

Lucius nodded. "I think it would be fine," he said.

Severus nodded too and Regulus beamed. "YES!" he shouted, "Sirius is gonna go crazy when he finds out!"

* * *

><p>Lily entered Slughorn's classroom, wearing a shiny purple dress. Muruvi had helped her put her hair back in a French twist. She'd never seen the Potions dungeon look so bright and festive. Slughorn had enchanted little fires along the wall so that instead of the regular chilly atmosphere, it was quite comfy.<p>

"Ah! Evans!" boomed Slughorn, and he strode forward gripping a goblet of red wine. "How lovely to see you! It is so charming to see all of my students out of their humdrum robes." He gave her a little hug and she couldn't help but think of Severus' comment that he was in love with her. She knew that was ridiculous but it didn't stop her from blushing when Slughorn gave her a peck on the cheek. "Come meet the others, now—come get some victuals!"

Lily followed behind the professor, who she noticed was walking rather wobbly. In what was usual the front of the classroom, Slughorn had placed a large wooden table filled with all kinds of sweet things—cakes, cookies, tarts and puddings. There was a chilled cauldron of pumpkin juice and a few bottles of wine. Lily smiled at the gathering of students that were all hanging about the food. Severus was nowhere to be seen.

"Everyone, this is Lily Evans. Lily is one of the most skilled Potions students I've taught in ages. I've also heard she's quite gifted in Charms," winked Slughorn. "Lily, this is—ah, well, you can all introduce yourselves!" He gave a booming laugh.

There was Andromeda Black, Rainworth Zabini and his sister Claudette, Damocles Belby, Amos Diggory, Yuko Kimura, and some Gryffindors Lily all ready knew, Sheila O'Flaurety, Sonja Bell, Trav Johnson, and William Jordan. All were in the Slug Club for various reasons, whether they were skilled Quidditch players like Kimura and Diggory, keen minds like Black, or all ready inventing elixirs like Belby apparently was working on. Lily checked her watch before helping herself to a piece of chocolate cream pie. Severus was all ready fifteen minutes late.

"Andy," she heard Slughorn say to Black, "where on earth is Lucius? I haven't seen that boy in ages! I need to catch up with him!"

"He was complaining of a head cold earlier," Andromeda said a bit bitterly, in Lily's opinion. "We were supposed to be studying all day for—"

But Slughorn cut her off merrily, "That Lucius, he's always the life of the party. It's quite a shame if he's ill. Now, Kimura, I've been meaning to chat with you. Great game last weekend, though I do of course wish my house had won. You're fairly slight for a beater, but you're no pixie! No sir!" The professor had moved on to the next group of students, leaving Andromeda looking a bit annoyed.

"You're Sirius Black's cousin, aren't you?" asked Lily, trying to be friendly. "He's in my year."

The older girl brightened considerably. "Yes, I am. Sirius and I are rather close. You have to stick together in our family. I'm sure he's told you."

"Not really," Lily replied, "he doesn't seem to like getting into any details, except I know he doesn't like his brother."

"Regulus," chuckled Andromeda. "He's spoiled rotten. He wasn't so bad when he was younger but now he's intolerable to be around. Not to mention he's been hanging around Lucius." Andromeda lowered her voice. "I don't like Lucius, but you won't hear me saying that around Slughorn—it would break his heart if he knew how cruel Lucius really was, he interprets Lucius' snide attitude as having a good sense of humor. I like Slughorn, but sometimes he can be a bit too concerned with image-"

"I don't really like Lucius, either," said Lily. "He called me a Mudblood when I was a first year—"

Andromeda shook her head. "That's awful, though it doesn't surprise me. Don't listen to him. His family is like mine—years of pushing hatred and old fashioned thinking onto the next generations. I've tried to understand Lucius. My sisters have both fancied him and so I've even tried to like him, but I can't get farther than his vanity. Most of my friends are Muggle-born and personally I've never seen a difference."

"My friend Severus, you should know him, he practices dueling with Lucius. I wish he wouldn't," Lily said honestly. "Severus says they're not really all that close but he went to Lucius' for the summer so I'm not sure—"

"You're Lily _Evans_?" Andromeda said and snapped her fingers. "Yes, I've heard your name before—you grew up near Severus, right? Severus is… Well, he's different from Lucius, but he told you they're not really close? In my opinion they're a bit attached at the hip. I don't think Severus gets on with many people, though I have no issue with him—I'm not around him enough. He and Lucius are into all of that dark stuff together, I'm sure that's why Regulus has been trying to persuade them to admit him in their little group…"

"Dark stuff?" asked Lily, recalling the conversation she'd had with the girls the other night. "I suppose Severus likes curses an awful lot—"

"Yes, it's part of that bad boy Slytherin image that he and Lucius try to keep up. Personally I think Severus will grow out of it once he realizes what a bigot Lucius is, especially if you're his friend," Andromeda said. "He seems sensible at least—where is he, anyway? I thought he got an invitation, too?"

"I have no idea. He's really late at this point, maybe he's not—" Lily trailed off, her eyes moving to the door where a boy had just entered—"coming."

Andromeda turned around, "Oh, here he is!"

"Severus!" boomed Slughorn, heading to the door and wrapping the boy in a hug.

"Severus?" Lily questioned aloud. It was Severus all right, but he was wearing different robes and his hair was pushed back out of his face and tied in a pony tail. It seemed odd to actually see his entire face, as it was usually half-covered by his hair. The only thing that was Severus-like about him was the irritated face he made when Slughorn touched him. Lily had to smile.

As he approached Lily while giving her the same nod he had on the train, she felt that weird somersault feeling again. His idea of looking "formal" wasn't particularly handsome at all; in fact he looked uncomfortable more than anything. His dark eyes were darting around the room, and with his hair back, the places where his pale face was raw with acne showed even more. But there was still, as usual, something interesting about his features, something familiar.

"All right?" he asked in that new deep voice, and then gave a nod to Andromeda.

"Hello Severus," said Andromeda. "I was just getting to know Lily. She's very sweet." She went back to the beverage table to talk to Claudette.

Severus looked embarrassed and nodded again, his ears red.

"Hey, Sev. What kept you so long? All the good desserts are nearly gone," Lily joked. "You look…different."

"Lucius helped me get ready. These are his old robes. He wasn't feeling well so I told him he should probably rest," Severus said, his eyes surveying Lily's dress. "That's new," he observed.

"Yes, it is," replied Lily and lowered her voice. "Andromeda says you and Lucius are attached at the hip, I thought you said you hardly see him—"

"Andromeda doesn't know a thing," Severus whispered back callously, "she's kind of a bitch."

"Severus!" Lily declared, a little perturbed. "Why would you say that? She seems nice!"

"She's nosy. She's always jumping down Lucius' throat and for no reason either. Don't listen to her—"

"She had nice things to say about you," Lily said, frowning.

"I don't have to like her if I don't want to," Severus replied.

"Severus!" Slughorn said, breaking the tension and putting his arm around Snape's shoulder. "Oho, I thought you'd forgotten! Come, meet the group—GROUP! This is Severus Snape… He's Lily's good friend and a wonderful potioneer as well! Say hello, Severus!"

Severus looked like he was about to kill Slughorn, who laughed and refilled his own goblet. He did not seem particularly interested in introducing Severus to the others, nor did the other students seem interested in meeting Severus. Several of them whispered to each other, and Lily felt a bit embarrassed for her friend though vaguely annoyed at Severus' attitude.

"Well, there are a lot of good things to eat," said Lily, trying to be friendly.

"I'm not really hungry." There was a long pause. "So, how are you?" he asked.

"I _was _fine," she said, irritated at how odd he was being. For him to show up late, have nothing to say _and _not even be hungry? It was aggravating.

"Well, what's that supposed to mean? I came here to see you and you sound like you're mad at me," Severus said back, scowling, his eyebrows even more prominently furrowed with his bangs out of his face.

"I'm not mad at you, Sev, I just wish you'd tell the truth. If you're friends with Lucius, then I'll try to deal with it. But I still think what he said to me was rude and Andromeda agreed—"

"You told Andromeda? Lily, why are you telling her everything?" Severus was looking a bit panicked. "Why can't you just keep your mouth shut? I told you, Lucius and I, it's not—"

"Don't you dare tell me to keep my mouth shut, Severus!" Lily said, hurt. "I can talk about what I want—"

"I know. I didn't really mean it." Severus had his head down. It was obvious to Lily that he was wishing he could hide behind his hair. Slughorn laughed loudly at something Belby was saying and Severus looked at Lily with his eyebrows raised. "How pissed is he?" he asked, looking bothered.

"Sev-er-_us,__"_ Lily said, lowering her voice. "He's not _pissed, _he's just had some wine—"

"All right, he's not," said Severus derisively.

_"__What _is your problem?" Lily asked.

Slughorn popped up in front of them with a camera. "Hello, you two—look alive!" He clicked the camera and the flash blinded them. "Oh my," Slughorn said, since the photo that had been taken was, no doubt, of Severus glaring and Lily blinking her eyes. "That won't do at all. Act like you know each other, act like you're thrilled to be here—" When they did not move, Slughorn shoved them together and placed Severus' hand on Lily's waist. "Yes, there! Now you look acquainted, we're all friends here, right?" Lily's eyes widened and the camera flashed. "Well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words," said Slughorn, "but I'm not quite sure what those words were. Better luck next round, I hope!" He took an unflattering candid photo of Yuko Kimura eating a chocolate frog.

Severus instantly took his hand off Lily's waist.

"Sorry," he said.

"It's okay," she said.

"Maybe I _will_ get something to eat," he said, and walked off toward the food.

Lily sighed, her face hot. _Why __does __everything __with __Severus __have __to __be __so __hard? __He __tries __to __be __so __mysterious. __I__'__d __be __angry __if __he __really __was __Lucius__'__ best __friend __but __he __should __at __least __tell __me! __He __says __it __all __the __time__—__we__'__re __supposed __to __talk __about __everything! __Except __lately, __we __don__'__t __talk __about __anything __anymore. __It__'__s __like __nothing__'__s __the __same._

When Severus returned, he was carrying a plate with one small pumpkin pasty on it and glowering. "Belby's over there asking everyone from Gryffindor if you're single. I told him to get stuffed."

"You didn't have to do that—"

"Why, do you like him?"

"No, I don't even know him. But you don't have to bother with that. Besides, if he fancied me enough, he'd ask me to my face, I guess," Lily shrugged, and sent a glance over to the other side of the room where Belby had his arms crossed and was frowning. Lily was slightly flattered but a little taken aback. Belby was a fifth year Ravenclaw, striking in a friendly way. Lily had never spoken to him but she'd heard he was very smart.

"I know you wouldn't like him," Severus went on a bit frantically, picking up his pumpkin pasty and then setting it back down. "He was acting all cocky about it, too. I've met him before. You wouldn't want to talk to him."

"Well, thank you, Severus. What would I ever do without you telling me what to do?" asked Lily teasingly.

"I don't know," replied Severus seriously.

"You know, next time someone asks a question like that you should let me deal with it," Lily said. She didn't have any interest in Belby in particular but he was older, and she definitely had an interest in getting asked out, even just so she could tell her friends about it. Mary had all ready French-kissed and Lily hadn't even been told she was fancied yet. The only thing she'd been told was that her breasts were too big and that was mortifying. All that gave her points was seeing Severus half-naked and she couldn't very well bring that up again because someone was bound to work it out and realize it was Severus she'd seen—and then the entire school might find out.

"Well, fine," barked Severus, "see if I ever help you again!" He picked up the pumpkin pasty like he was going to eat it. Instead, he mashed it into his plate.

Lily stared. "Severus—what's—?"

"I was just trying to help!" Severus said, more loudly than before. His new deep voice did wonders for making him sound stern. It would be a bit frightening were it not such a stupid reason for him to be mad.

"Oh dear!" exclaimed Slughorn, popping up between them. "Is there something wrong? I just knew I should have ordered more éclairs—I knew they'd be everyone's favorite!"

"ARGH!" shouted Severus and stomped out of the room. The other students stopped talking momentarily to gawk at the absurd sight, and then they all broke up laughing. Conversation resumed.

Slughorn looked amusingly horrified. "He's a bit moody, isn't he," he said sadly. He took out what appeared to be a small, leather-bound notebook and wrote something in it.

Lily did not want to admit it, but at that moment she could kind of see why James and Sirius had nicknamed him "Snivellus."

"Your friend sure didn't want me to meet you," said Belby smoothly from behind Lily. She turned around to face him, wondering how she should act. "Is that why he left?"

"Severus doesn't really like parties," Lily explained to the older boy, feeling like she should somehow act cooler than she knew how to do.

"Sounds like a lot of fun," Belby said sarcastically. "Want a drink? I could get you some wine. Slughorn wouldn't mind. He never does."

Lily blushed. "I'm not—I don't think so… I'm thirteen," she explained, and instantly felt very young.

Belby's easy grin clouded over. "Oh," he said, giving the front of her dress a look-over. "I thought—you look a lot older, I thought you were at least a fourth year."

Lily blushed a bit deeper. "Well, I'm almost fourteen," she added, but Belby had all ready gone away.

* * *

><p>"Oh no," Sirius Black said, slowing down in the hallway to stare, "You've got to be joking, Reg."<p>

"I'm not joking," said Regulus, grinning from his spot walking between Lucius and Severus. "You only wish I was."

"What's going on, Sirius?" asked James quickly, looking at the Slytherin boys disapprovingly.

"It seems my brother's got himself some friends," Sirius declared. "Nice job, Regulus. I thought you couldn't be anymore stupid than usual but here you have it."

Lucius narrowed his eyes into slits. "Want detention for loitering in the hallway, Black? How about a double detention for loitering _and _calling the Head Boy stupid?"

"I wasn't even calling _you _stupid. For you, I could do a lot worse than that," Sirius spat. Lucius bristled.

"_Sirius,__" _whispered James, nudging him. "He's not worth it."

"You're twelve years old, Reg! You're a little kid—why are you getting mixed up with those two?" Sirius went on, getting red in the face.

"I'm _not _a little kid! I can do anything I want, Sirius. Besides, there's nothing wrong with them! You're just upset that I've got way cooler mates than you'll ever have," Regulus said triumphantly.

At this, James lost it. He broke into snorts and giggles. "Sorry—er—but, you're talking about Snivellus here—"

"He's like the anti-cool, Reg," added Sirius, "in case you haven't heard. Or maybe you're running low on cool people in Slytherin—"

"I think they are," Peter put in.

Regulus seemed unsure of what to say.

Severus flashed them a glare and took out his wand. "I don't care what you think."

"Really?" Sirius asked, taking his wand out, too. "Seems like you do—"

"_Expelliarmus!__" _Severus bellowed, but he was seconds too late. Sirius used a tickling spell on him and he broke up laughing hysterically.

_"__Probiscus __vino __spurtis!__" _shouted Regulus, aiming his spell at his brother. Sirius doubled over, his face dripping with blood.

Lucius laughed. "Well done," he said.

"What the _hell, _Regulus?" Sirius boomed. Regulus looked momentarily sorry, but Lucius shook his head and patted the boy's shoulder.

Severus went to curse Sirius with the spider spell, but James was too quick.

"_Langlok!__" _he said, and Severus could not speak. His eyes were dangerous. _How __dare __he,_thought Severus insanely, _how __dare __he __use __my __own __spell __on __me! __Serves __me __right __for __showing __people, __no __one __even __knows __it__'__s __mine!_ He mentally cursed himself for being so slow today—what was his problem? Was the Lily and Belby situation weighing so heavily on his mind that he couldn't duel properly? He'd been incensed all of yesterday evening, and even most of today. That wouldn't do at all. Luckily, since Lucius had practiced dueling with him, he knew the counter-curse.

"_Serpensortia!__" _Severus shouted at once. A long, blood-red cobra sprang from his wand and landed on the floor between James and Sirius, whose eyes widened. From behind them, Peter shouted out.

Regulus and Lucius laughed and laughed.

"Let's see how you do with this," Severus said threateningly, smiling in a sinister way.

"Severus!" shouted another voice. Lily's voice. "Severus, what are you _thinking_?"

Severus blanched. Lily was behind the group of Gryffindor boys, her arms filled with books from the library. How long she'd been there—he did not know. Her face was twisted into concern and terror. Severus wondered if perhaps she thought the spell was impressive. After all, they'd just learned it that week.

"Yes, Evans, tell him to get rid of it, he'll listen to you! Come on, Snape!" said James, his voice high with fright. The snake was rising up slowly, its head bobbing from side to side, looking between James and Sirius and hissing. In the mix of everything going on, Severus found it momentarily very amusing that he was only "Snivellus" was James did not need something.

"No, he won't," Lucius said calmly. "Severus doesn't take orders from Mudbloods."

Severus felt a very bad feeling down deep in his stomach. He'd convinced Lucius to stay back from the Slug Club last night as soon as it had dawned on him that Lily would be there, too. He knew it would only be a matter of time before there was another social, but he'd decided he could work everything out by then—or in the very least convince Lily not to go. But now, despite all of his efforts, here it was, the situation he'd been most dreading and had been up until this point miraculously avoiding. Lily and Lucius were together with Severus at the same time. And Lucius had gone and called her a Mudblood. This weekend was the worst ever.

The snake hissed and made to strike, but Sirius and James kept walking backward.

"Ignore him, Evans," said James, "ignore him and make Snape to get rid of this snake!"

"Is it going to hurt them?" Regulus asked Severus quietly.

Severus was looking from Lucius to Lily, trying to weigh out his options. He didn't want the snake to strike Potter and Black—he might get expelled if it did, but he wanted to frighten them. He was not sure how to act, so he stood there, stony-faced.

Lily's facial expression quickly changed from terror to irritation. "You can't talk to me like that, Malfoy. I know what it means now—and I know that it doesn't matter if I'm Muggle-born!"

"_Evans,__" _said Sirius through his teeth, blood still caked around his face from the nosebleed curse. "A little help here—"

"You don't know anything," said Lucius coldly, staring down Lily from across the hallway.

"Severus, tell him," Lily insisted.

"Tell me what?" Lucius snapped. "There's nothing to tell me, Evans—"

The snake hissed, and struck the air.

"Severus!" Lily exclaimed, apparently snapping back to reality. "Do something about it—I know you can!"

Without really thinking, Severus said the counter-curse, and the snake popped into thin air as quickly as it had come.

The two sides stood around glaring at each other.

Lucius turned to Severus and gave him a very nasty frown. "Well, this was certainly enlightening," he said. "Come along, Regulus." He took off down the hallway, and paused to throw a look at Sirius and James. "Oh, and expect detention for dueling in the halls."

Sirius and James erupted into loud protests, and Severus, ignoring Lily, who was calling his name, ran off after the two Slytherin boys.

"Lucius!" he pleaded, "Lucius, it's not how it looked!"

Lucius whipped around. "How was it then, Severus? I saw your face back there. You _choked.__" _

"I didn't!" Severus protested loudly, his voice echoing off the drafty castle walls.

Regulus stared back and forth between them, wide-eyed. "What's the matter? What happened? I thought the snake was quite good—"

"Severus, you've been dishonest with me," Lucius said succinctly and Severus realized that he actually seemed hurt, of all things. "You lied to me—I saw your face, you _are _her friend!"

"No—" Severus said.

"Who's friend?" Regulus wanted to know, and Lucius shoved him out of the way, advancing on Severus. Regulus whimpered and took off down the hall, heading back to the common room.

"Tell me the truth," Lucius said, his voice a yowl. "Why did you listen to her when she asked you to do away with it? Why did you look at her that way?"

"Why do you care?" Severus asked boldly.

Lucius' eyes flashed; he looked entirely intimidating and Severus stepped back. "_Don__'__t_address me that way, Severus Snape. _I__'__m __making __you_… I'm making you, and I could break you just as easily."

"I didn't mean _anything_ by it," Severus said at once, shaking his head, his hair shaking in front of him. "I'm not her friend—she just thinks I am, and besides, I wasn't gonna let that snake really bite those two idiots, they would have told on me—"

"Severus, you'd better not be keeping something else from me. I'll tell everyone in Slytherin about your father, and I'll tell them all about this, too—"

"Lucius, you don't know what's going on, you don't know what happened!" Severus said, and his mind was racing. What could he possibly tell Lucius to make this all blow over? What excuse would Lucius accept?

"Then tell me, Severus," Lucius snarled. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't tell everyone what a liar you are, that you listen to Mudbloods and you lie about your father—this entire school thinks you're a joke anyway. You heard Potter back there. _Snivellus, _they all call you, _" _he said spitefully and Severus turned an unattractive shade of pink. "You know, I didn't have to invite you to my manor. I don't have to hang around you at all! Everyone asks me why I do! I like you Severus, I think you're smart, but there's something else to you. You're too secretive… You're lying to me! I don't like liars!"

"_Lucius,__"_ Severus said desperately, and looked around them. The walkway was deserted. "Look, I can't have you telling anyone this—I'm only telling you because… well, because you have to know why… You just have to understand."

"Go on," said Lucius coolly. "I'm waiting."

Severus' heart was pounding. He didn't know why he was feeling so crazy; there was too much going on. He wasn't thinking clearly. "Lily _isn__'__t _my friend," he said, and Lucius snorted.

"So what is she, then? You know, now that I think about it, I've never seen her following you around like you told me—it's always the opposite."

Severus' heart pounded faster. He tried to think about his words, but they just poured out. "I know—but it's not like how you think. I just sort of… I sort of think she's good-looking. I _don__'__t _fancy her, believe me, but I think she's—I think she's pretty, and I don't like that I do, and I'm never going to do anything about it, it's embarrassing, I don't know where it came from or why—"

Lucius narrowed his eyes again, thought for a moment, and then leaned back on the wall. "You find that little Mudblood attractive?" he voiced aloud.

"I guess so," Severus said quietly, "I act all funny when I'm around her, and sometimes… Well, it's like Bellatrix, sometimes I think about her in other ways—I _know _she's a Mudblood, I just can't stop—" He was impressed with himself. He'd been able to put some of his feelings into actual words, and it surprised him. He wasn't proud about calling Lily a Mudblood, but it was necessary. The other words though—those were pure truth. He was jealous of how popular Lily was, he hated that Mulciber and Belby had noticed her. He didn't want to share Lily. He didn't know if he wanted to go out with her, he just didn't want anyone else to. He didn't care at all that she was a Muggle-born, but that part—that part Lucius did _not_have to know.

"Ahhh," Lucius said slowly. "Well, I suppose it can happen. I've found a few Mudbloods to be good-looking. Of course, I never acted on it—that would be disgusting. Some Purebloods get up to that for sport, though. Not for marriage, but only for pleasure," Lucius smirked. "I've never had the stomach for it."

_'__Mudbloods __are __for __looking, __not __for __booking,__' _Severus remembered Mulciber saying. "Don't tell anyone," Severus said urgently, and this was something he cared about far more than people thinking his father wasn't alive.

"Yes, well, you'll get over it, I'm sure," Lucius said, as though Lily were a disease. "Thank you for telling me, Severus. Come, let's walk together. Dinner should be about finished, wouldn't you say?" asked Lucius as though nothing note-worthy had passed between them.

Severus nodded, wondering whether he should have said anything. The way he was feeling about Lily (insane, light-headed, willing to lie), she certainly seemed like a disease.

* * *

><p>"Of course you're going to tell on Lucius," Lily said huffily as the Gryffindors headed back to their common room.<p>

"You're kidding, right?" Sirius asked. "And be on the end of his wrath forever? Evans, you're smart. Think about it. Malfoy knows it—no one's going to tell on him. That's why he acts so awful."

"Here, Evans, you look funny holding all those books," James said, and pulled half the stack out of her hands.

"I can do it myself!" she said.

"Relax," James replied, grinning at her attitude. "I'm just trying to be nice. It's all I can do being you saved me from dying of a snake bite. You should really give your pal my thanks for that one."

"I don't know what Severus meant by it," Lily said with a puzzled expression, following the boys through the portrait hole. "Malfoy's a bad influence—"

"Severus is a bad influence all by himself. My brother's too stupid to learn curses like that one he used back there on me on his own," Sirius said, wiping his face on his sleeve. "I can't believe he's hanging around those two—"

"Severus acts differently when he's around me," Lily said, setting her books down on the table in front of the fire. "He's definitely a better friend for your brother than Lucius."

"Don't be so sure, Evans. Snivelly pretends to be nice around you so you'll keep sticking up for him," James said. "He knows that if we don't listen to you, you'll get those scary eyes."

"I _don__'__t _have scary eyes!" Lily snapped.

"There she goes again," James said to Sirius.

"We have to find a way to get Snivellus back," said Peter shrilly, flopping into an armchair. "I'm sure we could come up with something. We could do it while Malfoy's not around. He's never as brave-"

Remus, who had been reading on the couch by the fire, put down his book. "What's all this about? If you lot start fighting the Slytherins, you'll be sure to get in trouble."

"Lupin, you're so boring!" Sirius said, sitting next to Remus and ruffling his hair. "It would do you good to curse some people. It would make you less uptight."

"Leave him be," Lily said. "He's fine the way he is. I don't want you to curse Severus. You're mean enough to him as it is."

James laughed. "You're clearly blind, Evans. Did you or did you not just see Snivellus throw a snake at us?"

"Yes, but what did you do to him to make him want to curse you?" asked Lily, perching on the arm of the couch.

"Nothing!" Sirius burst out. "Nothing at all! Not this time. I was upset my brother was hanging round him. That was all."

"We've been leaving him alone a whole lot lately," added James, looking at Lily. "But see what good it's done? He's just gotten better at cursing. I don't care so much about our homework. We need to work out some plans. Right now."

Lily shook her head. "I can't even listen to this. It's silly. He got rid of the snake. Just leave him alone."

"You don't understand this, Evans. The battle may have begun last year, but now it's time for the war," Sirius said.

"For Gryffindor!" James shouted dramatically. A few sparks shot out of his wand.

Peter imitated him.

"Ugh," Lily said.

Remus picked his book back up and ignored all of them.


	8. Upside Down

A/N: I've been waiting to post this one! Finally... Reminder: **MATURE RATING**. So it focuses pretty-much-kinda solely on one memory, and unlike other chapters, this memory is told first from Severus' and then continues from Lily's point of view, rather than skipping to another memory and having the character summarize it from their POV. I hope you enjoy it. I am really excited for next chapters; the story is getting going after this one. I keep saying this is dark fic and I know it hasn't shown, but trust me, it's coming.

* * *

><p>Chapter Eight: Upside Down<p>

* * *

><p>"<em>I've got knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear, <em>

_and to cut out words I've got written on my chair_

_Like, _

_Do you think I'm sexy?_

_And do you think I really care?"_

_-_K'S CHOICE

* * *

><p>"Hey Severus!" greeted Lily, putting her cauldron up on the desk they shared in the front row of the Potions classroom. "I've been trying to get a hold of you all weekend. Why'd you run away on Sunday? I wasn't mad at you—I just wanted to see why you got so upset and cursed Potter and Black. They said they didn't do anything to you but I figured they were lying."<p>

Severus hunched his shoulders and looked down, his heart pounding. He'd been thinking about Lily nearly endlessly since he'd gone and spilled it to Lucius he thought she was pretty. He'd tried to convince himself he'd temporarily gone mad and had just spouted off the first thing he could think of to try and get Lucius off the trail of thinking he and Lily were good friends. But he knew better than that. Lily _was_pretty. Today was no exception. While he looked like he was wearing a shapeless sack while in his robes, the black velvet looked good on her. He'd seen her at breakfast between Mary and Muruvi, and she'd laughed at something they'd said. It was a clean, pleasant sound that sent his stomach into an acrobatics routine, causing him to slop porridge all down his front. But Lily had always been pretty! Why was he going psychotic all of a sudden? It was as though saying it aloud to Lucius had made it truer.

"Hey," he greeted, a serious expression on his face. He pretended to be very interested in putting out his Potions supplies, lining up the vials extra carefully. "I had to do something—that's why I went away. And we were only cursing each other as a laugh," he said.

"I don't think shooting snakes at people is funny," Lily told him. "It was an interesting spell. But you still shouldn't have done it."

Severus' brain skipped over the negative things she'd said and he only picked up on the second sentence. "Yeah, I think it's interesting, too. I didn't even practice it that much," he boasted, looking at her to see her reaction.

When she stared at him funny, he looked away and went back to arranging his bottles, his heart pounding faster, wondering what he could have possibly said wrong this time.

"Want to go to Hogsmede this weekend?" Lily asked. "Mary's been asked to go by Frank and Muruvi's behind on homework so I don't really want to go by mys—"

"YES," Severus said at once.

Lily laughed, slightly nervously. "All right, then. McGonagall said that all the third years can meet up with her in the Great Hall at one in the afternoon after lunch, so we can meet there."

Severus nodded. "Yes, okay. I want to go see that haunted house." He remembered how great it had been when Lily used to be scared of the Dementors: how close she'd gotten to him, and how extremely fascinated she'd always acted when she was fearful. How stupid he'd been not to take more advantage of the fact that she'd let him grab her and how idiotic he'd acted as a kid when he clearly _could _have pretended that a Dementor's Kiss was really kissing. Maybe he could think up some way to get close at the Shrieking Shack, but it seemed hopeless. _She __can__'__t __know __I __like __her,_he thought, but he felt like it was obvious. He looked away from her again.

"Me too," said Lily. "I also want to try coffee! My parents won't let me have it."

"_I__'__ve_ tried coffee before," Severus replied, trying to sound cool.

They were interrupted by Slughorn who hurried in through the back of the classroom. "Sorry to be late, sorry to be late! Professor Zabini kept me in the staffroom, she always has such interesting things to say—it's never a dull moment when your death is always being predicted. I have a few announcements. First off, we'll be switching to a unit on elixirs, so be sure to read chapters twelve through twenty three for Friday."

James Potter groaned, along with several other students.

"Yes, I know," Slughorn laughed. "But there you have it. Now, my second order of business is breaking you up into partners. You'll have the same partner for the next two months and then you will switch. I've noticed that not all of you have worked together, and that can't do! Right then, here we are—" he pulled a parchment out of his robes. "Sirius Black, you'll be working with Evan Rosier."

Everyone made catcalls, knowing full well that Evan and Sirius hated each other immensely. Slughorn went down the list, reading each name aloud. Halfway in, he announced: "Lily Evans and Remus Lupin."

Severus gritted his teeth and threw Remus an extremely hostile expression. Remus looked at the back wall and feigned interest in the supply shelf. Severus was so annoyed that he nearly missed his own name, which was next.

"Severus Snape," said Slughorn, "and James Potter."

"NOOO!" James called out loudly. The entire classroom erupted into laughter and yells of amusement.

"You got Snivellus!" someone yelled.

Severus sneered at the professor. "You're joking, right?"

Lily gave him a pitying look.

Slughorn blinked and looked away from his list. "Boys—really! It's only a few months!"

"That's like forever with Sniv—er—_Snape_," James said, leaning back in his chair. "C'mon, Slughorn! Change it! Look at him! He doesn't want to be with me, either."

"What's the issue?" Slughorn asked, clearly hurt that his arrangement was causing such a scene.

"What _isn__'__t _the issue?" said Severus darkly.

"Professor," said Lily, waving her hand around. She threw Remus a look. "I'm sure Remus would be all right with us switching—he could work with Severus and I could work with Potter."

Remus looked ill.

"YEAH!" James said, pumping the air with his fist. "No offense, Remus."

"Yeah, bad luck, Remus!" Sirius shouted. Everyone started laughing again.

"Lupin got Snivellus!" the same person from before put in.

"That's not much better," Severus said, and his tone was cold. "Why don't I work with Lily, and those two stick together?"

"He's a genius," said James, applauding. "I never noticed it 'till now."

"Although it has been a charming combination, I think you may need to learn how to get along with others, Severus," said Slughorn positively. "Particularly if you're going to excel in life! I'm going to keep my previous arrangement. All right, everyone! Get a move on! Find your partners and sit together at a station!"

Severus reluctantly got up, his entire body rigid. "I'm staying right here," he said to anyone who'd listen. "I all ready put my things out the way I like."

Across the aisle, James made a pained expression at Sirius. "He's _all __ready_ put _his __things_ out the way _he __likes_," he said disgustedly, as though it was the worst thing he'd ever heard. Everyone avoided Severus' table anyway, choosing stations further in the back of the classroom. James took the longest getting ready, packing up his cauldron and books at a snail's pace. When he finally wandered over to sit at the station, he made a big show of moving his chair several paces away from Severus.

"Here's my homework," Severus said, slapping it down on the table between them. "Let's exchange work and see if we got all the same answers. That's what Lily and I do."

"Oh, I didn't get to my homework," said James, stretching. "I all ready got excused by Slughorn—I'll be turning mine in tomorrow. Quidditch practice has been taking up all my time lately."

Severus clenched his teeth. "You didn't do your _homework?__" _

James' eyes wandered down to Severus' work. "Blimey. How small is your writing, anyway? You've got like three meters of parchment here! Why don't you just lick Slughorn's boots while you're at it?"

They spent the entire lesson this way. Severus felt awful, like he was between vomiting and screaming. James was completely stupid. He tried to make jokes that fell flat. Severus didn't think class time was a good place to act silly. He didn't follow directions and kept getting their potion wrong. Severus had to keep barking orders at him. What was even more maddening was the fact that Lily and Remus seemed to be having a grand time on the other side of the room. They kept laughing and taking notes, and their potion looked like it was going well. Severus nearly chopped off his fingers because he was watching them so intently. To top it off, James kept making faces at Sirius, as if Severus did not notice.

Finally, Severus snatched James' stirrer away from him. "I'm taking over," he snapped. "You're just fucking everything up."

"Whoa! Language!" James exclaimed. "Why are you getting all touchy?" But he didn't seem to mind because he sat down and put his feet up on the table, flipping through Snape's Potions book. "You've got all kinds of notes in here. It's good writing in books isn't illegal or you'd be thrown in jail for all eternity." He laughed at his own joke.

"PUT THAT DOWN!" Severus hollered, a little bit of saliva shooting out of his mouth.

"Riiiight," James said, dropping it and putting his hands up. "Well, that proves it. You're nuts."

At the end of class, the two of them stood together as Slughorn was surveying the potions.

"If it weren't for me, the whole thing would have been ruined," Severus complained.

"Hate to break it to you," James began, "but I think your robes are due for a washing. You really stink."

Severus considered that he might sit next to Lily later in Shacklebolt's class, so he lifted his arm up and inhaled. "I don't smell bad. I smell normal."

"AHH!" James cried out. "SNIVELLUS JUST SMELLED HIS STINKY ARMPIT!"

Severus tensed up, glaring down at him.

Once again, the class burst into hysterics. Everyone kept mentioning it all day long, and no one in their year really would ever forget about the fact that it had happened. James would make certain of that.

* * *

><p>"You're going to Hogsmede with <em>Severus?<em>_" _Mary asked loudly. Half the people in the common room turned around to look. It was Thursday evening, and Lily had been looking forward to the Hogsmede weekend. Except now Mary had to be all immature about it.

"Yes," hissed Lily into Mary's ear. "Why do you have to do that? I asked him—we're going together as friends—"

"_You _asked _him?__" _Mary clarified, and then breathed out. "Well, I suppose that's not so bad. It means you're in charge of what happens. If things get weird, you can always find Frank and I. We're going to get ice cream… Except, don't bring Snape. Frank's afraid of him."

"What do you mean, if things get weird?" Lily wanted to know.

"It's Severus," Mary said, by way of an explanation.

James sat next to them on the couch, ruffling the front of his hair so that it looked all messed-up, the point of which Lily did not comprehend. "What's this? You're going to Hogsmede with Snivelly?" he shouted, with his eyebrows raised high above his glasses. "As his Potions partner, I have to advise you against that." He pumped his snitch arm.

"Stop it," Lily said instantly, scooting away from him.

"But Lily," James said, grinning, "He _smelled _his armpit! HE STINKS! You're going to have to plug your nose the entire time! HA HA HA!"

"Would you quit saying that?" Lily squawked. "It wasn't even funny the first time! He doesn't smell." But she was blushing.

"I can't go back to Potions tomorrow," James said, sitting back and closing his eyes, grimacing. He rubbed his temples as though he were experiencing an extremely stressful situation. "If that's what he did the first day, imagine what's next! He's probably going to pick his nose and wipe it on me or something."

Mary laughed until Lily pushed her. "He won't do that," Mary said, trying to pull a serious face. "And if he does, it will just make you stronger, James." To Lily, Mary whispered, "Are you _sure _Snape doesn't like you?"

"Positive," Lily said, nodding, but a few things spun through her head: _Severus __emerging __from __the __bush __wild-eyed __and __angry __at __Remus,__his __tone __of __voice __when __he __asked __if __she__'__d __see __him __instead __of __work __on __her __project, __how __much __older __Severus __seemed, __how __ready __and __willing __he __was __to __see __her, __how __he __only __wanted __to __work __with __her __in __class__…_

"So why do you think he left Slughorn's party all upset after Belby flirted with you?" Mary went on. "From what you said, he sounded jealous." Lily had told Mary all about the mortifying party. Mary thought Belby was a loser who shouldn't have gone off after learning Lily's age, but she also thought Lily should have accepted the wine.

Lily bit her lip. "No, that wasn't it. He just hates people who show off." She realized that James was listening in and she made a face at him. "Find something to do! Stop eavesdropping!"

"I wasn't!" James said, clearly upset. He loped away, muttering under his breath.

* * *

><p>Severus hardly touched lunch that Saturday. He felt like he could not breathe. Regulus and Lucius kept arguing about ridiculous subjects, and out of nerves, Severus shouted at them to shut up. Lucius raised one silver eyebrow and sneered, and Regulus sulked, like he always did when he made Severus annoyed. Mulciber, Rosier and Avery kept looking over at Severus and then talking loudly about where they were going to go in Hogsmede, as though he cared. Severus couldn't deal with them; he was too preoccupied with how the day with Lily was going to go. His heart was palpitating—Lucius' loud, drawling voice was driving him crazy, Regulus' whining was making him want to strangle himself, and he kept trying not to look over at the Gryffindor table where Lily was grinning at Mary and talking. But he did anyway, once every other minute. She looked up, sensing his stare, and waved at him. He ducked down, dropping his fork on the floor.<p>

"What on earth is on your mind, Severus?" Lucius asked, leaning over the table to peer at Severus, who was still ducking down. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" Severus snapped, popping back up, "I've got a lot of things to think about, okay?" He put some butter in his mashed potatoes and shoved a spoonful in mouth. It tasted off.

Lucius smirked. "So, obviously you _do_have something on your mind. Let me know when you figure it out," he said, and then stared. "You're acting bizarrely. You've just put jelly in your mashed potatoes."

Severus' black eyes shifted back and forth. "So what?" he asked, but now that Lucius mentioned it, it _was_jelly and it tasted disgusting. Severus spat out the potatoes back on his plate.

"Well, _really_," Lucius trilled, looking offended.

Narcissa put her hand on Lucius' shoulder. "Let him be," she said calmly.

Lucius' head jerked and he looked at her, almost in surprise. "It is fine, Narcissa. Sometimes Severus gets too in his head and I have to make sure he's all right. He's acting positively insane."

"You're pestering him, though," Narcissa said lightly. "He's obviously feeling off. Just let him be," she repeated, and amazingly, Lucius listened to her, and they engaged in a conversation about the new dragon hide jackets they were planning to purchase. Severus was extremely grateful to Narcissa for this, but did not have the words to tell her so. Narcissa had been hanging around Lucius a great deal more lately. Lucius had not seemed to be particularly interested in sharing what had happened between them and so Severus had not asked. She was a welcome presence though, good-looking as always and she seemed to calm Lucius down considerably.

Narcissa was beautiful, but Lily was pretty in a different way, a more accessible way. Severus, at the thought of her, automatically directed his attention back to the Gryffindor table. Lily wasn't looking at him, but Mary was. She stuck her tongue out at him and laughed. Severus glared at her, looking down at his plate of food. He speared a carrot and ate it slowly, nibbling it bit by bit, looking slightly like an angry black-haired bunny rabbit. Where should he go with Lily, besides the Shrieking Shack? He did not want to run into his fellow housemates and he definitely didn't want to be anywhere near Potter and Black. Lily had said she wanted to try coffee. Was this a date? Severus' heartbeat started quickening more. No, he decided, it wasn't. But what if it was? Lily had asked him to go with her alone, after all. But he wasn't sure if girls asked boys on dates. He wished he knew more about the subject. This was a time when knowing about stupid social things would be helpful. He couldn't ask Lucius because Lucius would know he was meeting up with Lily. And there was no one else who would know except for perhaps Gilderoy, but Severus had been very glad that Gilderoy had been fully avoiding him this year. He was not about to ruin that blessed fact.

After what seemed like a million years, lunch was over and students began filing out of the Great Hall, save for other third year students who were waiting for McGonagall to show up. As soon as Lucius, Narcissa, and Regulus had walked away, Severus drew in a breath and headed over to where Lily was standing, which was unfortunately between Mary and Frank Longbottom.

"Hi Lily," Severus said breathlessly when he had approached their group.

Lily smiled, sending his stomach into a series of cartwheels. "Hey Sev."

Mary elbowed Lily in the ribs. "_Well, _Frank. Let's get out of here." She grabbed him by his arm and led him away a few paces, whispering to him loudly.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Sorry about her. She's being very annoying today."

"Er. That's all right," said Severus, who had been too busy looking at Lily to notice or care whatever it was that Mary had done. Lily was wearing a set of the Muggle clothes she'd gotten over the summer: a green shirt with a black cardigan, and those bell bottoms that accentuated her hips nicely. He had a very strong urge to touch her behind. His eyes became large with unease. Why was his mind filling with so many insane thoughts? Maybe Lucius was right. Maybe he _was _insane.

"Severus?" Lily asked worriedly. "Is something the matter?"

He shook his head rapidly from side to side, his hair swinging. _Thank __God __she __doesn__'__t __know __Legilimency, _he thought. "I'm fine," he croaked and cleared his throat. "How're you?"

Lily gave him a strange look but then smiled. "I'm doing well! Remus and I have been studying a lot—" she trailed off, watching his expression quickly become sour. "I mean, not _a__lot_but I've been helping him with his Potions homework."

"Why?" Severus asked, his voice getting loud. "How will he learn if you do his homework for him? He should fail and then he'll really learn." His fists were at his sides and his shoulders were tense.

"Severus, Remus is my friend. So stop being mean about him. Honestly. We're partners now. You and Potter will probably work on your homework together too, eventually."

"I hope not," Severus replied. "Potter doesn't even _care _abouthis homework. He's a terrible partner, I had to do basically everything—"

"You can be kind of controlling though, Severus. You know that, I've told you when we work on our projects together," Lily said, smiling.

Severus' stomach wriggled and he smiled back unevenly. "Yeah, I guess I can be. But Potter doesn't mind because he's so lazy. Yesterday, he made me cut up all of the toad hearts and the only thing he did was stand around pretending he was grabbing a snitch out of the air. It was so stupid."

Lily nodded. "He's been doing that a lot lately. Sometimes I wonder how he stays up on his broom with such a big head."

Severus laughed loudly, and had to draw a breath, coughing. "I really hate him," he said, in between fits of wheezing.

"Don't waste your energy on him, Severus. He's terrible—ah! Yes! Here's McGonagall! I'm so excited!" Lily did a little dance, and her breasts bounced. Severus tried not to stare but it was impossible. He gawked at them with his mouth hanging open. Luckily, Lily did not notice because McGonagall was launching into a lecture about appropriate behavior out in the community of Hogsmede, and how they needed to make certain that they acted right or else Hogwarts students were going to get a bad name. Severus pulled his eyes away from Lily's chest and tried to listen, but he just kept thinking about touching Lily. Finally, the students trooped after McGonagall. Severus made sure to walk behind Lily—he wanted to see how her bum looked in those tight trousers. His imagination did not fail him. Her bum looked great. He did a quick look-around and made sure no one was watching while he adjusted his trousers through his robes, trying desperately to think of something else so that his erection would go away.

Hogsmede was a quaint village that was bustling with Hogwarts students and older witches and wizards. It was teeming with shops and places of all sorts—restaurants, pubs, clothing stores, a robe store, an apothecary, an ice cream parlour, a gallery. Lily seemed interested in all of it, and was babbling happily about how glad she was to be there. The way she was acting was doing a good job of making Severus cheerful as well. It was hard not to be around her. It was one of the things he'd always appreciated. They opted to go into the apothecary, which was small and dingy and full of useful and interesting things. They oogled the expensive herbs and ingredients, wishing they had the money to spring for fancy things like dragon's blood or harpie talons to make complex potions. Lily admired a pure silver cauldron, while Severus was very keen on a set of finely made knives with carved handles that were serpent heads.

_"__Slytherin,__"_ said Lily teasingly. She ran her hand across a velvet carrying pouch that kept cold ingredients at the right temperature. "I'd like to own a place like this someday," she said thoughtfully, "with potion things in the bottom level and a bookstore on the top level. Mary thinks it would be a boring job, but I'd really like it."

"I'd like that too," said Severus at once. "I'd like a job where I could read all day if I wanted—"

"Me too," said Lily brightly. "Plus, you'd always have potions ingredients and you could experiment. My parents would think it was a weird thing for me to do but maybe they'd understand after awhile. They always wanted me to be a teacher but I wouldn't like that very much."

Severus made a disgusted face. "Neither would I. I don't like little kids."

"Do you want any?" Lily asked conversationally, touching a brass scale. "I really don't. I wouldn't want to stay at home all the time. I'd rather live alone."

"I guess I don't," Severus shrugged, picking up a mahogany stirring spoon and inspecting it. "But then maybe I do. If I did I wouldn't want to be like my Mum and Dad. I'd want to be a good parent." He reddened at the words, feeling like he'd spoken more than he'd wanted to about the subject. It was sort of a private opinion he'd always had. "Except, I kind of want to live alone, too."

Lily looked at him sympathetically and then smiled. "Hey," she said, "it would be neat if we opened a shop together. We could trade off between the book section and the potion section and we could decide how we want it to look, and where we'd want to open it—"

Severus nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! That'd be great!"

"I think it would be fun," said Lily. "We work really well together. I can't see how it would go badly. Besides, we're best friends."

"Yeah!" Severus said happily.

They chatted about the prospects of opening their own business together and strolled out of the shop, further exploring the town. The idea of working with Lily as grown-ups made Severus very happy—he was even happier that it was she who had suggested it. He imagined being able to work side by side with Lily every day in a place where he'd be surrounded by reading material and potions supplies. It sounded like heaven to him. It would be great to own a store he could live in, and escape Spinner's End. He imagined Lily living there, too. He wished they were older so they could get to it straight away.

Lucius and Narcissa strode out of the clothing boutique across the walkway, holding hands and both carrying large shopping bags. To Severus' annoyance, they seemed to be wearing matching white leather jackets.

"Ugh, I don't want to have to face Lucius," Lily said, which was perfect for Severus because he didn't want to see them either. They quickly ducked into an alley way and watched as the couple walked past. "They look like brother and sister," whispered Lily. "I don't know Narcissa hardly at all. Do they act the same, too?"

"Not at all," Severus replied. "She's quiet and he's sort of a loud mouth."

Lily laughed. "He _is_," she said. "I like her all right, though. I think she seems kind. And she's so pretty. Don't you think so, Severus?"

Severus nodded energetically and then felt embarrassed. "I guess," he put in quickly. "I mean, she's definitely not ugly." _Neither __are __you, _he thought, and then followed Lily down the alley, in pursuit of the Shrieking Shack.

"If I ever wear a matching jacket with my boyfriend, hex me, okay, Severus?" Lily asked.

"You have a boyfriend?" Severus asked quickly, staring at her, horrified.

"_No,__" _she said, raising her eyebrows. "I was kidding."

"OH!" he said, and forced a laugh. "OH, okay." _Stupid, _he told himself. _You__'__re __being __stupid. __Just __try __to __act __cool._ But he had no idea how to act cool! _Damn __it._

When they found the Shrieking Shack, Severus was a bit disappointed. Other students had the same idea. Two older Slytherin boys Severus had never spoken to at great length were leaning against the fence that surrounded the house, watching it and shoving each other. Gilderoy Lockhart and Astrid Greengrass were snogging on the opposite side. Severus pretended to be disturbed by this, even though he also very much wanted to watch to get some tips.

"What a prat!" he said, crossing his arms.

"Oh shush. Let's get closer," she said bravely.

_"__Gryffindor,__"_ he said darkly. Lily grinned. They ducked under a broken piece of fence, making certain the coast was clear. The Shrieking Shack was very old looking, but not particularly scary. It was the noises that were coming from inside that were creepy—almost like the house were sighing loudly. Severus went after Lily, who ducked down behind an old table that was sitting in the overgrown grass, weeds growing all around it and over it. As far as Severus could tell, no one had seen them and they were safely hidden away, the table acting as a bunker. The air was still and silent for a few minutes and then the house sighed again, a long and high pitched, whispery sound.

"Ooh!" Lily said, delighted. She shivered and settled back against the table, sitting crisscrossed. Severus settled back too and to his great delight, they were touching shoulders. "What do you think's in there?" Lily wanted to know, and she did not move.

Severus was trying hard not to breathe. He didn't want her to realize they were touching and scoot away. "Not sure," he said. "It could be filled with ghosts."

"Angry ghosts," said Lily happily. Severus grinned. He'd always liked that she shared his fascination in morbidity, reading her book on Azkaban convicts and telling him spooky facts and scary stories in their clearing. They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the eerie sounds coming from the Shrieking Shack. "You were right about Belby," Lily said after a few minutes.

"What do you mean?" Severus asked instantly, turning to look at her so fast he jutted her with his elbow.

"Oh, sorry," she said. She moved over a bit and he sighed, disappointed with himself. "As soon as you left Slughorn's, he came and talked to me—"

"He _what?__" _Severus demanded. "What did he say?"

He noticed that Lily looked a little flushed and she lowered her gaze to the ground, picking up a pebble and levitating it with her wand as she spoke. "He was nice at first, I mean, nothing bad happened. But then he asked me if I wanted some wine, and, well…I said I was thirteen, and he acted kind of weird and walked away—I felt like a little kid—"

"You didn't drink, did you?" Severus asked, looking at Lily pointedly, his attraction to her moving to the back of his mind. He'd thought Lily regarded alcohol the same way he did: awful. At least, he knew her parents had raised her to feel that way. He'd only seen the Evanses partake in wine once, in celebration of their anniversary. It was when Severus had first started coming over to Lily's when they were about nine years of age. It had shocked Severus that two adults drunk one glass of wine each, and then stopped. And nothing about their dispositions changed at all. It was the first time he'd realized that his home was different.

Lily shook her head, her long red hair moving gently around her face. "I didn't—I felt like I shouldn't. But then I wished I hadn't sounded like such a baby."

"I'm glad you didn't," Severus said, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back on the table. "Drinking makes people stupid. He shouldn't have tried to give you wine anyway. I don't like him. We're not old enough—"

"I know we're not, but I wanted to drink some. Mary thinks I should have taken it, she reckons it would be cool for me to have an older boyfriend," Lily went on, putting her wand down and letting the pebble drop into her lap.

"I don't think it would be cool at all," Severus burst out," I wouldn't want you getting drunk, it's not cool, Lily. Promise me you won't?"  
>Lily looked at him hard, and her voice was soft. "Sev, what's wrong? It seems like something's the matter—"<p>

Severus sighed and hunched his shoulders forward, wringing his hands in his lap. "My dad's a drunk," he croaked finally, his ears turning red. "I never said anything because I hate it so much. But he's a drunk, and when he's home, he's always drinking and he gets really mean—he's mean anyway, but… when he drinks it's worse. Until he passes out. That's the part I like." He smiled grimly to himself, and then instantly frowned again. "I didn't want to ever have to tell anyone, but I'm telling you 'cause I don't want you to start drinking, I don't ever wanna drink—" his voice cracked and he stopped talking, focusing his gaze on the Shrieking Shack.

"Severus," Lily said, "I'm so sorry! I didn't know—"

"S'okay," Severus replied, feeling humiliated he'd said anything. But there was a feeling of release throughout his body as well; it felt good to get it off his chest instead of storing it inside. "I just… I hate it." He stuffed his hands in his robe pockets.

Lily seemed to be struggling with what to say, which made Severus feel awful. He didn't like making her feel bad, and he especially did not want her feeling sorry for him. She sighed and looked at him. "You never said anything," she said. "I feel like I don't know anything about your parents—but you've never said—"

"I want to keep it that way," Severus said, kicking up dirt with his boot.

"Yes, but, Severus… you can't just keep everything a secret. I won't tell anyone. You know that, right?"

Severus nodded slowly. "Thanks," he said.

"So your dad…" Lily trailed off uncomfortably. She settled back against the table, crossing her legs. "Your dad drinks a lot? What does your mother think?"

"She doesn't like it. But she doesn't do anything to stop it. She drinks too, but it's different. When she drinks, she gets quiet. She leaves me alone," Severus said, wondering why he was going on and on like this. But Lily did not seem to mind.

She watched him, but her gaze was not prying—she simply seemed interested and concerned. "How does your dad get when he drinks?"

"He says things to me and Mum," Severus replied, without really thinking. It was easy, telling Lily this, much easier than he ever thought it would be. "He calls her names, and he calls me names too. He hates magic because he didn't know Mum was a witch when they got together, so he goes on about that quite a lot. He calls her a liar and that kind of shit. And he hits her," Severus said quietly.

Lily's eyes widened a bit but she kept listening.

"Once he strangled her," Severus went on, remembering the scene and wincing. Dad gripping Mum's neck, while Severus cried in the corner…"I thought he was gonna kill her. I was really afraid… that was when I was six years old. It makes me so mad because Mum could use magic on him but she doesn't—she's too nice to him! He deserves to get hurt back… I hate him! Sometimes he goes away and I wish he'd never come home. This summer he went off again and I dunno if he's home. I want him to stay gone."

"He hits you, too, doesn't he," said Lily. It was not a question.

Severus nodded, looking up at the sky.

"I'm really sorry I didn't act nicer about it this summer when you had a black eye," Lily said quickly, her voice wavering a bit. "I was being foul, I—"

"You didn't know," Severus said. "It's not your fault, I just didn't wanna say anything, I didn't want to talk about it, I still don't—"  
>"Well, we don't <em>have<em> to talk about it if you don't want to," Lily said, biting her lip. "But you know I'm here for you, Severus, right?"

Severus felt tears pulling behind his eyes. Talking about it so much was hurtful. It made it more real, and Lily was being so nice, and he could not cry right now, he just couldn't. He blinked and nodded, looking back to the ground.

"Right, Severus?" Lily pressed softly, and she hesitated for a moment before scooting over and taking his hand in hers, squeezing it gently.

Severus' insides twisted, but more than being aroused, he appreciated the tender gesture. It made him feel loads better—it was like they were little kids again. He nodded again, and without really thinking, he squeezed her hand back. It was smooth and small in contrast to his rough, blistered palms and long fingers.

They did not speak and they did not move; Lily's hand in Severus', both of them looking away from each other, focusing on the Shrieking Shack. A particularly loud groan came out of the Shack, sounding like a possessed demon. Lily scooted a bit closer, and gripped Severus' hand. Their legs were touching. After a few moments had passed, Severus slowly massaged her fingers with his own, feeling how smooth they were. His heart was pounding so hard it was as though it would jump out of his chest. He could hardly believe this was happening; it was almost too intense, too shocking, but he wasn't about to stop. They'd touched hands before, yes, and Lily had squeezed his hand on numerous occasions, but this was _holding __hands _with a girl. Severus felt an erection coming on again, but it didn't bother him too much because he was _holding __her __hand._

"Hey," Lily said quietly.

Severus dropped her hand instantly and stuck his back in his robes.

"Oh," said Lily, and he could not read her tone. "It's…er…," she said. "Wanna… wanna go get something to eat or some coffee or something?"

Severus nodded, his heartbeat still racing. "O-okay," he said.

* * *

><p>Lily's insides were squirming and she was afraid she had done everything wrong—she told herself off internally for asking Severus so many questions about his home life, and for grabbing his hand, and for <em>holding <em>_his __hand,_and then for ruining the hand-holding by talking! She had no idea what she was thinking about any of it. She hadn't meant to keep holding his hand; she'd only done it to be nice and show him that she cared—she hadn't thought he'd keep holding it, either, though. And then, not only had he held it, he'd run his fingers over it, which had given her such an intense feeling between her legs she'd absolutely _had_to break the silence—_but __why __had __she __broken __the __silence?_

And _why _had she felt the way she had? She'd only felt like that a few times, and for odd reasons. And this was the weirdest of all! It was Severus, her friend with the crooked teeth and odd interests and ill-fitting clothes! Severus, who she'd seen touching his willy! Oh, this was too mortifying. Lily was frustrated with herself for all of it. She liked how good it had felt to hold his hand, but she was completely irritated that it was Severus when it could have been someone else. But then again, who else would it be? _Belby? _She blushed thinking about it. Then again, poor Severus. She hadn't known just how bad his father was. She'd known a few things, but this knowledge made her angry and sad. And helpless. Lily had too many thoughts spinning around in her head. She snapped out of her wild thinking to see Severus staring at her slack-jawed. He probably thought she was just as crazy as she felt. Her cheeks reddened.

"Right. So where do you want to go?" she asked awkwardly, trying to sound cheerful. Instead, she sounded forcefully manic.

Severus averted his gaze, sticking his hands deep down in his pockets. "Uh. I dunno. I've never been here before, so I have no clue."

"Me either!" she said, and laughed.

He stared at her. "Uh…" he said, looking at the ground.

"Let's just go, then," she said, and walked off ahead of him, back out into the lane. She heard him shuffling along behind her. Now they were stuck together, and there was nowhere to go. She could go to get Mary, but that would mean ditching Severus and that seemed like an awful thing to do when he'd just confessed that his father was an abusive drunk. She had to stick with him, and they'd just held hands. It was torturous. And to top it off, she wasn't so sure she had wanted to stop holding hands! _That _was the worst part. What was she thinking!

They both started walking toward the main part of town and to Lily's dismay, Sirius, James, Remus and Peter were heading their way.

"God damn it," said Severus, and Lily could not agree more. Unlike with Lucius and Narcissa, they were in plain sight and there was nowhere to hide.

James and Sirius had spotted them, and were pointing and laughing all ready.

Lily picked up her pace, hissing behind her, "Come on, Sev, hurry!" He complied and fell in step with her, the both of them practically running past the gaggle of boys.

"Hello!" greeted Remus pleasantly. Peter broke up laughing at the sight of them.

"Hey Snivelly!" yelled out Sirius as they passed, lifting up his arm and inhaling deeply and noisily. "Mmmmm! Smells fresh today!"

"Shut up!" Severus snarled, slowing down and pulling out his wand.

"Don't," Lily said, and pulled him by his robes.

"Ooooooh!" James called after them as they continued down the path.

Lily blushed deeply, letting go of Severus' robes at once. He looked at the ground and stuffed his wand back in his pocket. "You should've let me curse him!"

"You heard McGonagall," said Lily, "we could get banned from Hogsmede if we do things like that!"

"No," Severus said absent-mindedly. "I didn't hear her say that. Still… You should've let me."

Lily's heart was pumping, and Severus' arguing with her was making matters worse. She ignored him, trying to find a place they could go that would create a diversion—any place. The first shop that caught her eye was a café` that seemed to have more adult witches and wizards in it than Hogwarts students, and that was very appealing. Lily did not want to run into anymore of their school chums. She was afraid it was written all over their faces that they'd been holding hands. Without speaking, she went in the café and Severus followed her.

She breathed out a sigh of relief. "I'm really glad we're away from everyone," she said.

"Me too!" he said eagerly, and she blushed again.

"I meant that Potter and Black are annoying,," Lily explained.

"Me too…" he said, looking at her strangely.

"Oh!" she said quickly. "Let's order something. I can treat you—"

"I could treat you," he replied. "I told you, I've been getting money from tutoring—"

_Oh __no, _Lily thought worriedly, _he __thinks __it__'__s __a __date._"I forgot," she said. "So, let's pay for ourselves." Before he could protest, she charged up to the front counter and ordered coffee.

"Are you sure you want that?" Severus asked from behind her, so close that it reminded her of when they had practiced dueling. "It's kinda strong without anything in it—"

Her insides did cartwheels. "Yes! I want to try coffee!" she said frenziedly, paying the cashier and moving away from Severus. "I'm going to go find us a seat." She found a well-lit spot that was away from windows and surrounded by other people. Moments later, Severus headed toward her balancing two coffees and a carafe of cream. Instead of sitting across from her as she had planned, he sat right next to her, putting the drinks down. Lily turned bright red.

"I brought this just in case," he said, indicating the cream. Their knees bumped together, and Lily crossed her legs, scooting back from him. She took a sip of the coffee and instantly spat it out.

"Ugh!" she exclaimed. "It's awful!"

Severus grinned and then burst out laughing. "Told you," he said wryly, smiling with his tongue between the gap between his front two teeth. Lily couldn't help but smile back, even though she was embarrassed.

"I didn't know," she said, adding most of the cream to her cup of coffee, turning it into a taupe color. She added several spoonfuls of sugar from the bowl on the table.

"I like mine black," Severus told her, a bit cockily in her opinion. He grabbed his cup and drank from it quietly.

"Much better," Lily said after taking a sip. "So when have you had coffee?"

"I drink it at home sometimes," Severus said. "Our milk usually goes rotten quick so I'm used to it strong."

"Mother won't let me have it," Lily replied. "She says it's for grown-ups—" she trailed off, realizing they were having a conversation about coffee. It was terrible. Great. Now she'd gone and ruined their entire friendship by holding Severus' hand and they'd never be able to discuss anything intelligent again. Severus was silent again, which was both good and bad. Lily wished he would say something, _anything._

He seemed to be thinking the same thing, because he started drumming his wand on the table. Small sparks kept flying out of it and bouncing across the table. "Oh hey," he said, "want to see something cool? Not as cool as the snake… but still."

"Yes," Lily nodded, relieved. _Finally, __things __are __getting __normal._

Severus pulled up his sleeve, pointed his wand at his arm and muttered a spell. Thin cuts appeared across his arm from his wrist to his elbow, like paper cuts. Crimson blood sprang up out of the cuts and Severus smiled. "I made it up—" he began, but Lily cut him off, horrified.

"Severus!" she whispered loudly. "_Why _are you doing that! You're hurting yourself—"

"It doesn't hurt," he said back casually. Blood started dripping out of the cuts and dotting the table.

"SEVERUS!" Lily murmured, "People are going to see! Stop that!" She grabbed a napkin off the table and tossed it at him.

"Don't act so crazy," Severus replied, taking the napkin begrudgingly and wrapping it around his arm. Blood soaked through it. "It doesn't even hurt, it's just cool—"

"I don't think it's cool," Lily said. "Scarlet told me you were doing that in class and I defended you, but you're really—Severus, that's serious, you could get hurt! Why would you make a spell like that?"

"I made it all on my own," Severus said sulkily. "No one helped me. Lucius was impressed."

Lily figured it would be best for her not to comment on the fact that she thought he was stupid for cutting up his arm to impress Malfoy. She could go on and on about why listening to Malfoy was an abysmal idea but she was sure that would just irritate Severus even more. "Are you trying to keep up a bad boy Slytherin image?" Lily asked him, quoting what Andromeda Black had said about Severus at Slughorn's party.

Severus wiped his bloody arm on his trousers and stared at her. "Huh?"

"Nothing," said Lily.

Again, they sat in silence. Lily found herself glancing out of the corner of her eye at Severus' hand, the one closest to her that had not been covered in cuts. It was resting on the table. She imagined him grabbing her hand again and massaging her fingers like he'd done before. She got that feeling again, the feeling she could not explain. It felt good but it also made her feel kind of woozy. Something told her that she shouldn't tell anyone else about having this feeling—especially that she was having it while thinking about Severus Snape.

Desperately, Lily searched her mind for a subject to discuss, and she remembered their idea to open a shop together from earlier. She brought it up, and Severus seemed to be engaged enough to not seem annoyed. They talked about where they would want to have it—perhaps in King's Cross, though Severus argued a bit for Knockturn Alley. Lily had never been there, and Severus said he would take her. That caused yet another awkward silence because Lily was not quite sure what Severus taking her entailed. After they'd finished their coffees, they decided they'd better go home to work on their homework. When Severus bid her goodbye in the castle and he headed off toward the dormitories, Lily felt a little annoyed. After all, she'd thought they could work on their homework _together._ Lily watched Severus walk away quickly, his hands shoved in his pockets and his head down. She'd really done it now. She'd made everything way too complicated.

Lily headed up to the dorm room, feeling like doing homework less than anything in the world. She flopped back on her bed and stared at the top of the canopy, sighing loudly.

"Lily, is that you?" came Mary's voice from across the room. She sounded a bit like she'd been crying.

_Don__'__t __say __anything, _Lily told herself, and headed to her friend's bed, opening the canopy. Mary was lying on her stomach, facing the end of the bed. Her eyes were puffy and her face was red.

"I hate boys," she said, wiping her hand on her sleeve.

Instantly, Lily's problems with Severus left her mind. "What's wrong?" she asked Mary gently, sitting at the edge of her bed.

"You can't tell anyone," Mary replied, wiping her face, "I feel like such an idiot." She sat up, running her hand through her black hair, smoothing out the curls. "Frank didn't ask me to Hogsmede because he likes me. He asked me to Hogsmede so he can get tips on how to ask girls out. He only likes me as a friend, Lil—I felt so stupid!"

Lily watched Mary in interest. She'd never seen her act this way. Usually, she had so much confidence. "Was he mean to you?" Lily asked.

"No," Mary sputtered, "Not at all. Frank's a really nice boy—he's just, he's _stupid, _you shouldn't ask someone out to talk to them about how to ask other girls out!"

"That is pretty bad," Lily said, and then paused. "But Mary… He probably didn't mean anything by it. He didn't know you liked him—"

"I _don__'__t _really like him. But it would have been nice to go on a date," Mary said, drying her eyes on her sleeve.

"Oh Mary," Lily said with a small smile. "You worry too much—"

"It's easy for you to say, Lily—you've got boys all over you—"

Lily shook her head instantly, her face hot. "No, I don't—I told you about Belby, and I don't think Remus fancies me at all, he's just kind—"

Mary didn't look particularly convinced but she sniffled and surveyed Lily. "How was your time with Severus?" she asked, not masking a tone of disdain very well.

Lily looked away. "We just talked a lot. We decided we're going to open a shop together, a potion shop and bookstore." _And __we __held __hands, _she thought. "Things didn't get bad at all besides…" _We __held __hands __and __I__'__ve __messed __everything __up, _she thought. "Er… it was fine. It was fun." She hoped that Mary wouldn't detect the uncertainty in her voice.

Mary gave Lily a little look-over. "A shop with Severus Snape? Lily, you're mad. No offense, but sometimes you can be just as weird as Severus."

* * *

><p>"Snape, you're back," Mulciber drawled, as Severus stomped into the dorm room, kicking off his boots. He flinched at the sight of his dorm mates talking in a cluster on the floor beside his bed. He'd been hoping he'd be alone. His owl, who he had finally named Poe, hooted cheerfully. He pet her and she nuzzled his fingers with her beak. He needed time to ponder. He'd held Lily's hand. He'd held her hand and then she'd acted more awkward than he'd ever seen her be in his entire life. It was difficult having her act just as awkward as him. Usually, she helped situations <em>stop <em>being awkward.

"I'm kind of busy," Severus said instantly, pulling off his robes, his tee-shirt riding up over his skinny stomach. "I have things to think about right now."

"Hi Severus!" cackled Rosier.

"Holy fuck!" Severus cursed, immediately pulling his shirt down and blushing. "What are you _doing _here? This is a boy's room!"

She grinned. "Do you ever clean your nightstand, Snape? It looks like things are growing there—"

"Well, yeah, because they _are__—_I've got my project for Herbology," Severus snapped.

Rosier gave him a pitying look and leaned back into Avery, who was holding a magazine that they were all poring over.

Mulciber whispered something to the others, and then looked up. "So, Snape, why is it that Regulus Black, a _second __year, _gets to hang around you and Lucius but every time _we _ask to duel you always pretend you don't know what we're talking about?"

Severus sat at the foot of his bed and pulled his socks off, picking some dirt out of his toenails. "Well… Regulus lets me practice my spells on him," he said lamely, "otherwise I wouldn't hang 'round him at all." The truth was, he was still worried about Lucius dropping him as a friend, and hated the idea of competing for Lucius' friendship. They'd had enough tribulations, what with the Lily scenario and Lucius finding out Severus had a father.

"Yes, but, you hang around Regulus _a __lot _now, and you seem to be friends with him," Mulciber said bravely, looking slightly disgusted as he watched Severus flicking dirt from his toenails onto his bedspread. "What's wrong with us? We not _dark _enough for you?"

Avery, Rosier and Middleton snickered.

Severus' dark eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean? That's not it at all. Why'dya want to hang out with us anyway—"

"Obviously, you're good at the dark arts," Mulciber said, and his gaze was hungry. "You helping me with my essays doesn't really teach me anything, though. We're not learning enough."

"I only know what I know because I read a lot," Severus said, but he was pleased he had something they wanted. He tried not to let it show, but he was quickly leaning toward admitting them into he and Lucius' circle, if only to show off. "Maybe you should try reading sometime—"

"Don't be annoying," Rosier said, her shrill voice piercing Severus' eardrums. "It's not just that you read. You're good at it. We want you to teach us. We want to learn dueling, we want to learn how to be better at making curses—real lessons, _not_just little stupid ones. I want to know what you know, Severus. You're _really_ good at it—"

Middleton laughed. "Ha ha, Evan, sounds like you've got yourself a little crush—"

Rosier scowled, and Severus blanched, making an awful face. "As if," Rosier said, and punched Middleton in the knee cap. He grasped it, pouting. She looked at Mulciber for encouragement and he nodded. "We've got a deal for you, Snape. Let us hang around you and Lucius and we'll give you something—"

"We _know _you want to be our friend," said Avery.

"I don't need to have friends," Severus replied, but Avery was right in a sense. Severus did not want them messing up his relationship with Lucius, but being on better terms with them would certainly make his life even easier. Lately, they'd been less and less tolerant of Severus' odd ways, and had joined in on the Gryffindors' "Snivellus" jokes.

Rosier sighed. "Look, Snape, none of us really care if you like us—we know you don't like anyone much. But we want to know what you know, and we want to practice spells with you, _and_ we'll give you _this_," she finished, and held up the magazine.

"So what?" Severus said. "What is it?"

Mulciber grinned. "We snuck into The Wand Shop—"

"What's the wand shop?" Severus snapped.

"It's a _sex _store for _grown-ups,__"_ Rosier said importantly.

Severus frowned deeply at her, though he was intrigued.

-"And we picked something up, and you can have it if you let us hang around you this week," Mulciber continued, and then snatched the magazine from Rosier, tossing it at Severus. It landed in his lap.

_Warcock __Special __Edition,_was the title of the magazine. Below it was a moving photograph of a woman wearing only lingerie and writhing on a bed. _Seven __Tightening __Spells __in __this __Issue__—__She__'__ll __be __Better __Than __Ever!_

Severus' throat closed up a bit and he looked up at his dorm mates, who all were grinning.

"Porno," said Avery. "We lifted it. You're supposed to be at least seventeen—"

Curiously, Severus flipped it open. He was instantly overwhelmed. There were moving pictures of wizards and witches having sex in what looked to be highly impossible ways—upside down, on a broom—he flipped the page and there was a full segment of a man behind a woman, his fingers inside her, putting his enormous member in her behind. Severus had never seen anything like this. He swallowed hard and stared up at his peers, who were leering.

"Great, isn't it?" Avery asked. "It's yours if you let us come to dueling practice. _Every _week."

"And teach us that sectumsempra spell," Rosier added.

Mulciber's eyes bored into Snape's. "We want to learn everything. You've been holding out on us."

Severus looked down at the magazine, up at his peers and back at the magazine. "Bad deal for you. I was gonna ask you to hang out anyway," he lied, and stuck the magazine under his pillow.

* * *

><p><em>Tik-tok, <em>_tik-tok, __tik-tok, _went Muruvi's watch. Lily tossed and turned in her bed, kicking the sheets off her and then pulling them back up. She was having a terrible time trying to sleep. She couldn't get the events of the day out of her mind. Severus had been so candid about his situation at home, and Lily wondered if that was why she'd gone and held his hand. It was so much better than his usual overly defensive way of acting. But still, she told herself, she shouldn't have held his hand. It was going to make matters very convoluted. It was all ready making her thoughts convoluted! She wondered if holding his hand meant she fancied him. _No,_she decidedly instantly, her insides writhing, _no, __Severus __is __not __a __boyfriend- type __boy._ She rolled over, thinking about it. She _did _find him appealingly smart and she knew that he thought she was smart, which she really liked. _"__You__'__re __the __smartest __person __I __know, __besides __me, __of __course,__" _he'd said last summer after their failed Scrabble game. He was such a stubborn sore sport! Lily smiled to herself, but then, remembering what him touching himself in the clearing, she instantly quit smiling. She wondered what it was that made him want to touch himself like that; she wanted to ask him what he had been thinking a bout. She wondered what _he _thought about them holding hands. There was absolutely no way of knowing.

Lily settled back against her pillows and imagined Wendell Perkins, the rugged Quidditch player, doing the same thing Severus had done. She reddened and closed her eyes, mentally dressed and undressing Perkins as though he were a paper doll. She had thought about what snogging must be like earlier today when she and Severus had seen Gilderoy Lockhart making out with Astrid. She reckoned it must feel nice, otherwise people wouldn't do it. She thought about Wendell Perkins approaching her the way Belby had done at the Slug Club party, with an all-too confident swagger and an easy smile on his handsome face. _Hello, __Lily, _he'd say and she'd cock her head to the side, smiling maturely, looking good in her clinging green dress. _How__'__d __you __know __my __name? _Lily would ask, her voice a calm purr. _I__'__ve __been __waiting __for __the __perfect __moment __to __talk __to __you, _he's say, putting his hand on her back the way Severus had done last spring, moving his palm slowly across her skin. She imagined that Wendell would slip his hands inside her shirt, slide them around so that he was touching her stomach. Lily shivered, pulling her blankets up over her. She was getting that sensation between her legs again, that good-feeling throbbing. Lily imagined that he'd run his hands up her middle and kiss the back of her neck while he was behind her, cup his hands over her breasts… She touched her chest pretending it was him doing it, her heart pounding. Wendell would pull her around and kiss her deeply on the mouth. _Lily, _he'd say to her, _you __are __perfect. __Would __you __like __to __go __out __on __a __date __with __me? _Lily would smile coolly and give a small laugh. _I__'__ll __think __about __it, _she'd say and then she'd kiss him back.

Slowly, Lily moved her hand across her leg, feeling how smooth it was. She trailed the inside of her thigh with her fingers, her heart pounding faster in her chest. Lily imagined Wendell putting his arms around her and kissing her more deeply, pressing her up against the wall. She slowly inched her fingers inward, until they were resting on the front of her underpants. Biting her lip, she slipped her hand inside her pants, touching herself on the outer parts of her privates, trying to lose herself in her thoughts about kissing Wendell. She moved her fingers inside, sucking in her breath; she'd only rubbed herself on her mattress that one time awhile back, or touched herself only slightly through her pajama bottoms, nothing that had made her feel like this. She'd figured there had been nothing left to do, but tonight, tonight was different. She felt _different. _Lily explored herself slowly with her fingers, her thoughts of Wendell continuing but in the back of her mind. She moved her fingers in circles, sucking in breath. It didn't feel _great _exactly—just better than doing it through her clothes as she had before. She touched herself, images of kissing Wendell and Belby floating through her mind as she did so.

And then it happened. She came across a spot that made her breathing quicken, a spot that felt extremely good. Slightly apprehensive of how good it felt, she ceased in touching herself for a moment. _Tik-tok,_went Muruvi's watch, and she could hear Scarlet snoring, and her owl Atticus softly breathing on his perch. Nothing was moving. No one was awake. Lily continued moving her finger over the good spot, slowly and softly, and the throbbing became more and more intense. She felt like she couldn't do it enough—she had to keep going, she stroked more and more, faster and faster, her mind both focused on making herself feel good and delivering her more good images… _Slug __Club __Party, __close __to __Belby, __drinking __wine __like __an __adult, __pressed __up __against __him, __his __mouth __on __my __mouth, __his __mouth __on __my __neck__… _She moaned slightly, pulling her pants fully off, her fingers trembling and her eyes tightly shut. She squeezed her legs together, moaning quietly. Someone in her dorm coughed and stirred in their bed.

Lily instantly pulled her fingers away and sat upright, her face feeling like it was burning. But then, there was silence. Lily, her face still pink, fell back on the mattress, smiling slightly. She felt as though she had just learned a very interesting secret, and it made her quite pleased.

* * *

><p>Severus knew it was excessively careful of him, but he'd waited until his dorm mates were completely asleep and then he'd gone out of the dormitory to the restroom that was in the hallway just past the common room, where the students took their showers. He could have gone to the restroom on the floor below, near the dormitories, but he felt like he needed to be a way's away from everyone. He had slipped the magazine into his robes, and ran all the way up to the bathroom. Thankfully, it was unoccupied, but he locked the door just in case someone wanted to use it. The shower room was large and had a floor of grey and green marble, with several toilet stalls, shower stalls and a large communal bath in the centre of the floor, which Severus absolutely abhorred. The bath was for the blokes that liked to flaunt the way they looked. Severus was not keen on it at all. He entered a toilet stall, and sat down on the seat fully clothed, pulling out the magazine.<p>

Today had been very extreme for Severus. First of all, he had gone out with Lily to Hogsmede all day, and he'd spilled one of his worst secrets to her, and he had felt good about that. _Then,_they'd decided they were going to work together as adults. And to top it off, _they __had __held __hands. _Severus hadn't expected Lily to do that at all. If it wasn't a date, he wanted to at least pretend that it was. It _seemed _like a date, though! He wondered if she'd let him hold her hand again. Soon. He wondered if he even could. He had absolutely no idea of what to say to her about it, or how to act. He just knew he wanted to see her as soon as possible. Lily was the only person worth knowing, he decided. He wondered if she fancied him, too. _Maybe, _he thought. After all, she let him hold her hand! He'd all ready been made extremely excited by hanging out with her and had been looking forward to masturbating and letting go of some of the tension he had felt. And now, he had the magazine.

Severus opened it, looking at each page in great length. He'd seen Lucius and Bellatrix engaging in heavy petting, and he'd seen his dad having sex with his mum briefly, but when he thought of himself having sex, it was still a mystery. Here, though, it seemed very exhilarating and easy. For one, the girls were all scantily clad. Severus wondered how you could get a girl to take her clothes off to have sex with you, and exactly how you even got to the point of being able to have sex with her. He wished that there were magazines for people like him: people without a clue. He wondered if other blokes knew how to have sex and if he was just too removed out of reality to know anything. But the photographs distracted him from his cynical thoughts. He studied each one, rubbing his feet together a bit and hunching his shoulders, his hair falling in front of his face, his nose inches from the pages. He particularly liked a full-body nude picture of a woman sitting with her legs splayed out. He'd never seen a girl's parts up close like that before, the curving of her thigh, the light layer of pubic hair, her breasts pert, privates unfolded, that foreign place between her legs showing. Severus swallowed hard, feeling extremely turned on. Her eyes were alluring, and her hair feathered and teased. He flipped the page after pulling off his robes, now only wearing his pajama bottoms. The next page showed a man putting his penis in her, actual real sex, and Severus was almost more captivated by that than of the woman. This, he figured, could show him how it was done. He loved the way she looked, though, when he was doing it to her. She looked euphoric.

Severus spent the longest time on this page, watching the movement play out again and again and again, the couple having sex on a huge four-poster bed. They spent time snogging, and then the bloke flipped her over and kind of threw her down and went at her wildly. Severus wondered if he would be able to carry a girl, let alone throw her on the bed. He was rather skinny, a fact he'd really not thought about too hard until now. He put that out of his mind, as his erection grew to its full potential, sticking through the button flap in the front of his pajamas. Severus thought about how he'd feel were he in that scene; he'd did not care too much about the snogging right now, and watched greedily as the bloke put it in, the woman bucking her hips like mad, her behind in the air.

He closed his mouth and let a great deal of saliva well up and then spat in his hand, working the wetness over his member, breathless at how good it felt. He turned the page, and here was a girl at work putting her mouth over the same bloke's penis. Severus quickened the motion, grunting, he'd never really even _thought _about that happening—he squeezed hard with his hand, and worked it slow and tight. "Aaarrrghhh!" he groaned, and came right then. He slumped back against the wall and sighed. He needed to study this magazine as thoroughly as all his schoolbooks, he told himself studiously. It held a _lot _of useful information. He wondered what Lily would say if she saw it...


	9. Winter

**AN:** Never in my time writing fanfiction have I updated a story weekly with 20 page-plus chapters. I am trying to stick with this goal (and of course failed last week…). I usually get really excited early on but then get discouraged when I don't get to the chapters I most want to write quick enough (the later, juicy creepy ones) so this time I've been writing it all at once, sporadically. I've got all of the later stuff planned out, and am very excited to share it. I am able to do this partly due to being an insomniac.

**BUT... **Please tell me if the long chapters are way too much. As I've said before, I can adjust. The goal is to be descriptive and thorough, but NOT to overwhelm the readers and take away from the story. There is going to be a lot more focus on individual moments now, rather than tons of little memories, since our lead characters are developing feelings for each other (yeah, that was NOT a spoiler… I hope, haha). Lyrics at the end of the chapter belong to Janis Joplin. Also, read Conqueror Worm's fic, _The Absence. _It is truly amazing and CW just ended the last chapter on a crazy cliffhanger... Ahhh!

Enjoy.

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><p>Chapter Nine: Winter<p>

_November and December of third year_

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><p>"<em>Boys get discovered as winter melts.<em>

_(Flowers competing for the sun.)"_

_..._

_He says_

_When you gonna make up your mind?  
>When you gonna love you as much as I do?<br>When you gonna make up your mind?  
>'Cause things are gonna change so fast<br>All the white horses are still in bed  
>I tell you that I'll always want you near,<br>You say that things change, my dear..._

-TORI AMOS

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><p>"Lily? Lily? Hey. Lily?" asked a quiet voice.<p>

Lily had been lost in a daydream about the Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson that day. Severus had gone to sit next to her, as usual, but then he'd made a funny face and gone off and sat next to Mulciber and Avery instead. To her annoyance, the three Slytherin boys spent the entire lesson whispering together and laughing. After class, he'd approached her at the same time James Potter had decided to engage her in a conversation about his upcoming Quidditch match that weekend. James was overly excited that he'd been told to train as a chaser, which he said meant he was well on his way to learning all the positions and becoming team captain. Severus had slunk away, looking irritated as usual. Lily had not spoken to Severus since last Saturday, though he had tried to get her attention. She'd had too much homework, and besides, she hadn't known what to say. She wondered if she should talk to him, or just let the whole thing blow over.

Lily snapped her head up, and realized that Remus Lupin was sitting next to her on the common room couch, looking worried. "Hi Remus," she greeted pleasantly, trying to refocus her attention. "I didn't see you there, I'm sorry! How long were you calling me?"

"Ages. But that's all right," he smiled shyly, brushing his shaggy brown bangs behind his ears. "What were you thinking about so hard?" he asked, looking in her lap at all of her assorted school assignments.

"Oh, just schoolwork," Lily lied, shuffling her books around. "I have no idea how I'll get that Defense Against the Dark Arts essay done for Friday! I only have two meters—"

"I haven't started, which is why I was trying to find you," Remus admitted, looking a bit discouraged. "This year's been sort of difficult for me so far. I can't seem to focus. I'm just lucky I have you as a Potions partner, I'd never get by otherwise—"

Lily blushed considerably, appreciating the compliment. She did not know if Remus was just being friendly or if this was further proof of Mary's theory, but either way, she liked it. "You don't need me," she said. "I keep telling you, you're a great student, even if you do miss class sometimes—"

"I do, though—I _do_ need you. I'm rubbish at Potions and I was so far behind—I've told you how I love school and I love studying, I just don't quite have the knack for it, what with my..." He trailed off and then looked glum. "Health issues… Not like you and Snape," he said quickly. "I look at the notes you both take and I want to tear mine apart!"

"Come off it," Lily said. "You always talk down about yourself. You shouldn't! You're quite smart—"

"You're interesting, Lily," Remus said, smiling. Lily raised her eyebrows. "In a good way," he explained. "James and Sirius always tell me I should stop acting so boring and loosen up with them and you tell me you like me as a good student—"

"Potter and Black have odd ideas," Lily said stuffily. "I for one think _they_ should start studying more—"

"Yeah, but that's just who they are. Besides, they get everything done anyway and have fair marks. I wish I was more like them," Remus said honestly, shrugging. He pulled out his essay for Shacklebolt's class, and began to make corrections, looking at Lily ever so often with questions. She helped him choose a more specific theme, and assisted him in fleshing out his ideas. He was not argumentative at all, and accepted her help willingly. They sat side by side and wrote quietly, something she and Severus did not often accomplish while studying— they often quarreled or complained together. She watched Remus as she never had before, surveying his features—the sandy brown hair, deep brown eyes and high cheekbones. He had a curious scar running from his eye to his left ear that must have happened recently; she had never noticed it until now. Remus was sort of plain, but he was nice-looking enough. Lily figured it wouldn't be so bad at all if he fancied her. "How did you like Hogsmede?" he asked, breaking the silence.

Lily put her quill down and shrugged, thinking. "It was all right," she said. "Severus was sort of having a hard day and I was worried about him." She hadn't really meant to say that aloud, but it was true. Beyond getting close with her friend, she'd been thinking a great deal about his father and his life at home. She regretted saying it aloud though, for she had a feeling Severus would not like Remus knowing he was _'__having__ a __hard __day__'__._ Severus could be so cruel to Lupin, and for no good reason either.

"That's too bad," said Remus quietly, focusing on his paper, where he was making an intricate drawing of a kappa for Care of Magical Creatures. "Is he feeling any better?"

"I don't know," Lily replied. "It's nice of you to ask, though, Remus—"

"I'd rather him be in a good mood," said Remus and then looked thoughtful. "Except, I haven't seen him happy much, so at least not _too_ bad a mood," he clarified.

"He's happy sometimes," Lily said, feeling a little protective, "he's not always in a bad mood. Anyway, it's just the way he is. He's kind of funny, but he doesn't try to be. Other people may think he's being serious—I just think he's got a different sort of sense of humor—"

"I wasn't trying to be mean. Anyway, it's good you two get on so well," Remus continued. "So, are you going together?"

Lily's mouth dropped open at the question. Quiet Remus Lupinof all people, asking if she and Snape were dating! Was _everyone _at Hogwarts obsessed with it? "Wha-?" she sputtered. "N-no, of course not. Severus and I, we're friends—"

"I didn't mean to offend you." Now it was Remus' turn to look embarrassed. "I really was just making conversation—and you know, James and Sirius talk about a lot of things, and so, I guess, I just wondered if it was true, is all—"

"Well, it's _not_," Lily said roughly, her ears pink. "And you should tell _James_ and _Sirius _to quit gossiping so much! Honestly, they're worse than my older sister—"

Remus was blinking rapidly, looking extremely nervous. Lily followed his gaze to their left. James and Sirius had apparently entered the portrait hole minutes ago, and Lily had been too wound up to notice.

"Do we gossip?" Sirius asked James in a mock-feminine voice, putting his hand on his hip and cocking his head to the side.

"Only about the juiciest details," James replied, grinning. "Evans, I didn't know you had a sister. Does she have anger problems like you do?"

"I _do __not _have anger problems!" Lily snapped, gathering her things and standing up.

"Squawking at poor Moony," James went on. "What a sad sight!"

"Who?" Lily spat.

"_James_!" Remus protested, his quiet voice suddenly sounding weak in comparison to his loud-mouthed friends.

"Never trust a redhead girl, Remus," said James, laughing. "Fiery! Fierce!" Lily's face was very quickly becoming the same shade as her hair.

"So, you're only on a just-friends basis with Snape, then?" Sirius inquired, making like he was jotting notes down on an imaginary paper, tapping his lip in thought. "Any news of budding romance on the horizon for you and Snivellus? Any plans to have a romantic walk in the graveyard or to help him wash the grease out of his hair? Don't make us wait. You know we love to gossip." He fluttered his eyelashes and James grinned.

"Are you his appointed armpit checker?" James asked.

"SHUT UP!" Lily screamed at them, and hurled her History of Magic book at them, hitting Sirius firmly in the kneecap. "WE'RE ONLY FRIENDS! AND YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, BUT YOU AREN'T! YOU AREN'T FUNNY AT ALL!"

The entire common room fell silent for a few moments until James and Sirius looked at each other and burst out laughing. Lily's entire face turned bright red, and she charged through them toward the common room stairs.

Behind her, Sirius was saying, "Hey, everyone! It's Snivel_lily_! It's Snivel_lily_!" Lily ran up the stairs and slammed the door to the third year girls' dormitory.

In the darkness of her dorm room, Lily fumed, but her anger was laced with humiliation. She wondered if somehow, James and Sirius knew that she and Severus had held hands. This seemed improbable, unless Severus had told. She couldn't think why he would, unless he was mad at her about something. Even then, she figured his own embarrassment would outweigh any spite he had toward her. And she hadn't done anything to annoy him, beyond avoiding his company. But she didn't always have time to see him. This shouldn't be any different. James and Sirius were just stupid. Lily gathered up her books in her backpack, deciding to spend time in the library to get her mind back on track. She held in her breath as she walked out through the common room again, her face still flushed. James and Sirius were imitating the way she'd stormed out as she passed, and Remus was trying to tell them to be quiet. Lily threw their group a very angry stare.

In the library, Lily poured over the section in the back for defensive spells, needing a few good ones to describe in Defense Against the Dark Arts that week. Professor Shacklebolt was the best teacher they'd had on the subject, being that he was quite interactive and had a lot of assignments for his students to help them familiarize themselves with the spells they learned. Lily was flipping through a tattered old copy of _Playing__ Keep __Away :__ 1,000 __Useful __Spells __to __End __Up __on__ the __Right __End__ of __Every __Wrong __Situation!_ when someone roughly tapped her shoulder.

"Hey," said a deep voice in her ear.

"AH!" Lily cried out, dropping the book to the floor and whipping around.

Severus was standing just centimeters away from her face, staring at her. "What an overreaction," he muttered. "I was just saying hello."

"Severus!" Lily whispered, "you grabbed me from behind, I had no idea who you were! It was kind of creepy—"

"I didn't _grab _you, and I'm not creepy," said Severus, furrowing his eyebrows and looking hurt. "Since when is saying hello creepy?" He grabbed the library book off the floor and shoved it at her. "That's not nearly as good as the newer version, except you won't find that one on the shelves. No doubt everyone will be checking it out this week," he commentated. "Of course, I've got better books that I actually own, you could just borrow one of them, some of them are rare, and—"

-"_Severus,__"_ interrupted Lily, grinning. "Shut up."

"Okay," he said. "So, how have you been? I've been trying to talk to you, and you're always hanging around Potter—"

"Only that once," Lily said quickly and scowled. "And he is the foulest git I've ever met, save for Sirius. But at least Sirius is interesting, James is just… awful—"

Severus nodded rapidly, looking excited by her outburst. "They're all horrible, the lot of them. Pettigrew needs to be killed, he's so dumb. And Potter and Black think they're _so_special. You won't believe the things Regulus says about them—and Lupin makes up for what the others lack in brains, but he's completely weird, he's got something tricky going on with him—"

"Lupin is at least decent," Lily argued, putting the book back on the shelf. "And why do you think he's tricky? He's the least tricky of anyone. _Don__'__t_ be mad, but we just got through studying again. I helped him write his paper for Defense Against the Dark Arts. I'm going to borrow it from him later, and edit it tonight, and it was nice, and you'd probably like him if you tried—he's very kind—"

"NO!" Severus burst out, and then turned a strange, off-putting shade of greenish pink. "I mean, I know you're always on about how you think Lupin's great, but I'm telling you, he IS tricky! He's VERY tricky! Don't tell me you haven't seen all those scars he gets, and he only gets them every once in awhile…"

Lily narrowed her eyes. "I only noticed him having _one_ scar, and I just saw it today!"

"Well, _I_had to work with him during History of Magic last year, YOU remember, and he had scars all over him. I never mentioned it because I've been trying to piece together all the little details and it's very interesting how many things are _weird _about him—"

"Severus," Lily sighed, "you make yourself bleed because you say it's cool. Wouldn't you say that's a bit weird?"

"NO," Severus shouted again. "THAT is research and IT IS DIFFERENT!"

Madame Pince strode into their aisle, looking enraged. "Severus Snape?" she asked, appearing shocked. "Why on earth are _you _shouting? I would have never, ever expected _this._Keep up this shouting in the library, and you'll lose your all your privileges, if you shout like that, I really don't care _who _writes you a note for the Restricted Section, even if it is for class—"

Severus' eyes widened. "Anything but that! I'm sorry… Miss. I really didn't mean to—"

"Really," Pince huffed. "I thought better of you." She hustled away.

There were a few moments of silence during which Severus looked extremely remorseful. He _did_ love the library, after all. Then he seemed to remember his anger. "Anyway," he whispered hotly, "Lupin's a big phony, he's probably not nice at all, he probably just wants to impress you—"

The combination of Severus' comical rage about someone as kind as Remus and the other boys' taunts from earlier was making Lily a bit overwhelmed. She watched Severus wordlessly for a few minutes as he droned on and on quietly, gesturing wildly, his face contorted into an expression of absolute disgust. This was one of those times when Lily wondered whether or not Severus might be a teeny bit mental.

"Can we drop this?" Lily asked suddenly, interrupting Severus' tirade. "I guess you and I will have to agree to disagree on Remus, but I'll try not to mention him when I'm around you. Deal?"

Severus nodded slowly, looking like he was sorry he had not convinced her properly. "I guess so," he said. And then he brightened up a bit. "Hey," he said, "let's leave the library and go somewhere more private? I've been wanting to show you something."

Something about Severus' tone made Lily flush, but she followed him, very hyperaware of how close he fell into step with her when he dropped back to match her stride.

They ended up in the dungeons, in an empty room that was across from Slughorn's office. It seemed like some sort of study hall, and Slytherin emblems lined the walls. When Severus locked the door behind them with a spell, Lily looked at him with uncertainty.

"What is it?" she asked, standing stationary in the middle of the room.

"Well, come here. You gotta see this," he said, sitting down at a table and rummaging through his bag.

Lily approached him tentatively, debating internally whether to sit beside him or across the table. She finally dropped into the seat next to Severus, wondering if perhaps she'd made the wrong choice. Their argument in the library had made her a little less anxious about their hand-holding of last weekend (after all, Severus seemed to be acting like himself) but now that they were alone for the first time since then, the similar feeling was filling Lily's insides.

He hesitated for a moment and then slid a book toward her. As she went to grab it, they touched hands for a moment, and Severus did not pull away. Lily instantly shifted her hand off of his, gave him a funny smile and said, "Can I see your book, please?"

Instantly, he pulled his hand off of it, looking away._What __is __he __thinking?__, _she worried, _he__ can__'__t __think __we__'__re __going __to __hold __hands __all __the __time __now, __can __he?_ Part of her still wanted to out of curiosity, but more so, she wanted to know what on earth Severus was doing. She'd never known him to be particularly touchy-feely. As a matter of fact, he grimaced when people shook his hand and he gave the coldest hugs she'd ever experienced—his skinny torso against hers with his waist pulled back, long-fingered hands patting her back as though counting the seconds he'd have to stay standing like that. So what was with him? He couldn't like her romantically. _Nope._ He was probably just testing to see if she'd hold his hand again, some sort of bizarre experiment. She tried to ignore him and stared at the book. _Great__ Minds __and __Greater __Minds _was the title, and the cover was an illustration of a brain that was made up of many, many tiny pictures. Lily opened it, interested.

"Is this about reading minds?" she guessed, after reading the first page of the foreword and flipping through the chapter titles. "Oh wow, Severus, this book seems really interesting—"

Severus seemed to snap out of his awkward coma. "Yes, it is, and it's brilliant— although, it's very basic. And a lot of it has nothing to do with magic, of course, it's only an introduction. But it's got a lot of information about Legilimency and Occlumency."

At Lily's clueless expression, Severus smiled smugly. Lily was instantly eager to hear about what Severus was about to share; whenever he smiled that way, it meant that he had some very fascinating facts to deliver. She had seen the way other people reacted to this excitement Severus had about learning—by calling him a nerd.

She barely had to ask "What's Legilimency?" before Severus launched into a long-winded description of the subject, snatching back the book and using certain pages to help explain.

"So you think your mum's a Legilmens?" Lily asked, captivated by what Severus had told her. It seemed very useful, more useful than she thought simply 'reading minds' could be (and furthermore, Severus had told her that minds couldn't really be _read,_that people only explained it that way to be short-winded). According to Severus, one who was an Occlumens could shut themselves off completely from other peoples' penetration of their thoughts by making their mind blank, a process that only happened through severe concentration and diligence. Apparently, one also had to do a lot of self-searching to determine what memories had the most impact on them, and which they would rather be seen if their mind _was_to be penetrated. On the other side, a Legilmens could get inside someone's head by piercing through their thoughts and picking apart snippets of what was in the person's mind. This could be applied for various reasons. The book listed that it was appropriate for determining when someone might be lying, or to bring about justice, but Lily could only focus on the fact that seeing someone else's thoughts would mean that she could see them being completely honest.

Severus gave a small shrug. "She could be. It sure seems like she is. I want to learn all I can through books first, but I'm sure I'll need practice eventually. I'm going to try and ask her about it over break, though I doubt she'll tell me, especially if Dad's around." He made eye contact with Lily and looked away, obviously remembering the secret he'd told her.

"You know, Sev," Lily said quietly, "if you have a hard time over break, just tell me and you can come over to my house."

"Your family doesn't really like me," Severus replied. "And anyway, I can deal with him. I have for years—"

"They like you well enough," Lily said. "And anyway, if they knew what was really going on they'd probably let you stay over all the time—"

Severus' head snapped up. "Don't," he said. "Don't tell them anything! I don't want them knowing. I don't want them thinking anything about me."

"Sev, they all ready know a little—my father used to see yours around town, he used to see him at the pub," Lily put in, before really thinking.

Severus shoved himself back from the table, grabbed his bookbag and stood up, folding his arms and then unfolding them. "I don't want to hear that! I don't want anyone knowing! No wonder they don't like me—"

"No, Severus! You don't understand, they felt really sorry for you—"

Severus' nose twitched. "That's worse than hating me! That's worse! Tell them not to feel sorry for me! I don't need them to!"

"Sometimes when people feel sorry for you, they care about you!" Lily said loudly. "So stop acting so crazy! _What_is going on with you? Are you mad at me?"

"Mad at you?" Severus' face changed dramatically. "Why would I be mad at you? I'm just… I dunno…I don't want to see my family, and break's soon. And I don't really like you hanging out with Lupin. Sorry, but I don't. And I wish you wouldn't. And, I don't know—I haven't really felt like myself lately."

_Me __either, _thought Lily. "How have you felt?"

"Like my brain's been stolen," Severus replied, frowning solemnly, and Lily laughed because it was too accurate of a description not to. "What?"

"I've felt kind of the same," Lily replied. "I don't know what it is—" she swiveled around toward the table and stared. And stared.

There was a magazine where Severus' bookbag had been. It was a magazine called _Warcock_ and there were half-naked women on the cover. Lily's eyes widened and she grabbed for it, interested. "What's this?" she asked. "I think it fell out of your bag just now—"

She'd never seen Severus move so fast. He zoomed to her side and grabbed the magazine out of her hands. "It's nothing—it's _nothing__—_shit, how did it—Mulciber must've—_argghhh,__" _he trailed off, sounding like a dying animal.

"_What__'__s_ this have to do with Mulciber? Anyway, I want to see it, Severus, what are you keeping from me? Is that… is that an _adult_magazine?" Severus' awkwardness was making her grin, and she reached for the magazine.

He held it above her head. "No, you can't see it," he said, and his voice went up an octave. "It's a mistake. I don't know—Rosier, Mulciber and Avery—bad, I don't know how, I shouldn't—anyway, you can't see it, because you're a girl."

Lily glared at Severus deeply. "Rosier's a girl," she said.

"Yes, but she's not a very _good_ one," Severus said.

"Give it to me," Lily snapped, jumping up and grabbing it out of his hands. He gave her a reproachful look as she did a victory dance. "I've heard of these, some older boys in my house were talking about it, but I thought I'd have to wait to see a real, live one in person—"

"Don't looook," Severus whined, burying his face in his arm.

Lily cracked up laughing. "You're being a prat," she said, "I can handle it." She flipped open the magazine and gasped, as she was staring at a photograph of what appeared to be a man with a very large penis having sex with a girl whose boobs wouldn't stop bouncing around. "Oh…" she trailed off, sitting back down in the chair, feeling a little odd but like she couldn't look away.

Severus waited a few moments before dropping in beside her and burying his head in his robes. "Don't keep looking," he pleaded. "You won't like it—"

"If Rosier can handle it, I can," Lily said firmly, and all ready, the strange feeling was stirring in her privates. She wasn't sure if she liked the pictures an awful lot (there were many of naked women and frankly, the too-large penises on the men sort of disgusted her) but she was interested that Severus had it, and she felt she needed to look at it. "I've never seen such big breasts," she commented, surveying a nude of a black-haired women who was smiling. "And look, she's got such a huge arse!" She laughed loudly.

Severus groaned from somewhere inside his robes.

Lily ignored him, continuing to flip through. "Some of these pages are stuck together," she said, annoyed.

"I got…water on it," Severus said, his voice muffled.

"So why do you have this anyway, Sev? Do you like it?" Lily joked, and nudged him.

"Noit'sMulciber's," Severus said, all in one sentence. "I hate it."

"You mean you don't like this?" Lily asked teasingly, hitting him with the magazine, which was open to a picture of a nude girl.

Severus popped out of his robes, looking red-faced and disheveled. "No," he said, but there was a tone of uncertainty in his voice.

"You can tell me if you do," Lily went on, "or do you like this one better?" She turned to the next page. "I mean, what's the point of having this if you don't like it—"

"What are you trying to prove?" Severus questioned her tersely. "What if I said I _did_ like it? Then what?"

"Then I wouldn't care," Lily said. "Except it _is_ kind of funny."

"What's funny about it?" Severus asked through clenched teeth.

"I just wouldn't figure you having it, that's all. I rather thought you hated girls," Lily said jokingly. "Thought you hated everyone. You say so all the time."

"Don't be stupid," he said. "You're my best friend and I like you. And…" He seemed to be thinking deeply about something. Finally he said, "And I definitely like girls."

Lily regarded him with a newfound wonder. Severus, gawky and oddball Severus, had just admitted to being interested in girls. Besides older boys and outwardly nasty boys like Mulciber, Lily really hadn't heard any of them admit they were interested in the opposite sex. Somehow, the prolonged hand-holding, his extremely ridiculous outburst about Lupin and touching himself in the clearing made a lot more sense. It wasn't that she couldn't have worked it all out on her own; it was just that it was so uncharacteristic of Severus to admit it that it floored her. And the way she'd been touching herself lately (nearly every night, after everyone had gone to bed)… was that in any way different than what she'd seen him do? Maybe they were both just going a bit wonky.

"What?" he asked despairingly, in response to her silence.

"It's just… Well… You never liked girls before—"

Severus sneered at her. "I don't tell you everything, you know."

"So you like looking at this?" Lily went on, not sure of why she was so obsessed with it. "Which one do you like the best?"

"I couldn't really tell you," said Severus. "I wasn't looking at their faces."

Lily snorted and then raised her eyebrows at him. "_Severus,__" _she said.

"What? You asked! You asked and I answered," Severus told her quickly. "See if I ever answer you again." He seemed embarrassed but not quite as horrified as earlier. For one, he'd stopped hiding his face and was looking over her shoulder at the magazine.

"What do you like? Their boobs?" Lily went on, enjoying the reaction she was bringing out in her normally studious friend.

Severus thought about it and then nodded once, his eyes darting back and forth. "I like those, yes…"

Lily wanted to ask what was so great about them, but instead she just gave him a Look.

"What?" he snapped again. "Well, _you_ haven't said anything! What do you like?"

"I've never looked at magazines like this before," Lily replied. "I'm not a pervert."

Severus' mouth dropped open. "That's rude—I'm not—"

"It was just a joke! I just… I mean, I like boys, if that's what you're asking. I might fancy having a boyfriend but not just anyone—"

"Oh? Like who?" he asked conversationally.

Lily watched him carefully but it did not seem like he was asking for his own sake. She thought about telling him the truth. Why not? Like he said, they were friends. "I don't really know… it's kind of embarrassing—"

"You just stole my porno magazine and looked at it front of me," said Severus dryly," I think you owe me _something.__"_

She laughed. "All right. I have sort of a crush on Wendell Perkins, the—" She was about to explain exactly who she meant, but Severus interrupted her.

"Perkins? _Perkins?__" _he burst out. "He's a seventh year! You'd be mad to think you have a chance!"

Lily was a bit taken aback. "I never said I thought I had a chance, I—"

"What kind of seventeen year old goes for third years, anyway? That's way worse than Belby. Way, way worse," Severus went on, snatching up his magazine from the table. "And he's a big Quidditch star, he's probably really full of himself, either that or he hasn't got any brains—"

"You asked me who I liked, Severus!"

"Well, I didn't know you had crap taste," Severus said scornfully, folding his arms across his chest.

"Who do _you _like?" Lily demanded.

Severus shrugged. "Nobody," he said.

"Come _on_," Lily said, irritated, nudging him a little with her elbow. "You must like someone."

Severus muttered something that sounded an awful lot like he was cursing.

Lily nudged him harder. "_Stop_ being a berk!" she exclaimed. "Just tell me!"

"I used to like Bellatrix Black, but she's gone now," said Severus. "And I mean, I like other people, but, uh…"

It was Lily's turn to cringe. "Bellatrix Black? You made fun of me for liking Perkins? Bellatrix is WAY older than us, and besides that, she's loony—Sirius is always talking about the kind of stuff she gets up to! Did you know she apparates in on people when they're on the toilet?"

"You shouldn't listen to Sirius Black. Thought you hated him," Severus said. "And anyway, I think she's good-looking. That's all."

"Yes, if you like that sort of thing—"

"What sort of thing is that?"

"My mother says that girls who show off their cleavage don't think they're worth anything," Lily recited without really thinking and Severus laughed at her.

"Your mum doesn't know what she's talking about," Severus said. "That's why I like Bellatrix."

Lily reddened, thinking of her own chest. "I think that's a totally stupid reason to like her. She's mean, Severus."

"I don't care. I'm mean, too," Severus replied.

"You're not _so _mean, though," Lily said.

"Whatever you say." He settled back in his chair, apparently less tense than before. "So, about last weekend—"

"_What _about it?" Lily asked loudly, snapping to attention. This was what she had been dreading. Talking about _the __thing._

Severus stared at her funny. "About what I told you… You didn't tell anyone about my dad, right?" he asked.

"Oh! No, no, of course not, Severus. I wouldn't do that," she replied.

"Good."

There was silence. Lily was relieved but also a bit disappointed. She didn't know exactly what she wanted. She was extremely torn between feeling embarrassed about holding hands and looking at porn with Severus, and wanting to do more of it. "Sev," she finally said quietly, "I want to look at that magazine some more."

"Not a pervert, are you?" he asked slyly.

"Shut up," she said, laughing, but blushing also. He flipped it open between them, and Lily looked through it again, more slowly this time, studying all of the moving pictures. She was aware of Severus at her side looking also, but he was being very quiet. Lily flipped it to the full-frontal nude of the black-haired girl and stared at it. Was this how girls were supposed to look?

Without really thinking, Lily turned the page and asked, "What about me, Severus? Do you think I'm…" She caught herself and instantly went pink. _What__'__s __wrong __with __me? __I__ almost __asked __him__ if __he __thinks __I__'__m__ pretty. __I__ must __be __insane! _she thought wildly.

"What?" Severus asked.

"I don't know," she said quickly, "Nothing. I wasn't really thinking of anything." Her eyes shifted around.

"Do I think you're what?" asked Severus loudly, seemingly catching on to her awkwardness and trying to place what she was feeling.

Lily shook her head and smiled. "It's nothing," she replied. _How __could __I__ be__ so __stupid?__ Asking __Severus? __He__'__s __just __about __the __last __boy __I__ should __ask __that __of__—__it __would __be __so __awkward. __Not __to __mention __I__ don__'__t __want __to__ know __his __answer. __Well__… __I__ do, __sort __of. __No, __no, __I__ absolutely__ do __NOT __want __to __know __his __answer! __It __would __be __embarrassing __if __he __said __no. __Imagine __that! __But __what __if __he __said __yes?__ Can __you __think __someone__'__s __pretty __and __not __fancy __them? _ Severus' voice interrupted her panicked thoughts.

"I might fancy a girlfriend," he said, picking something out of his nails, "but I don't know how that works, really. Besides, I also think it's stupid and I hate how people act when they're boyfriend and girlfriend. All sappy." He cringed.

"Yeah, like Narcissa and Lucius in their matching jackets!" Lily burst out.

"Don't even talk about that!" Severus replied, grinning crookedly. "Still," he went on, "I want to know how it feels." He pointed to the photo in his magazine of the woman and man having intercourse and Lily was, yet again, impressed with his candor. It gave her hope. He was acting like her best friend, _not_ a boy with any interest in her.

"I want to know, too. Mary has all ready tongue-kissed a boy," Lily said. "I can't believe it—"

"That's nothing. I saw Lucius sticking his fingers in Bellatrix's privates," Severus said matter-of-factly, his voice calm and slightly robotic as usual.

:Lily stared at him, fascinated. _"__What? _When?"

"Er… well, it was first year—" Severus explained, hunching his shoulders uncomfortably and looking like he greatly regretted mentioning it.

"That's crazy!" Lily said, giggling nervously. "First year, you saw that? You should've told me. What was it like? What did they do?"

Severus' eyes darted back and forth and he crossed his arms. "There was a great lot of moaning. And he touched her boobs a lot and then she bit him—"

"She _bit _him?" Lily laughed.

"It's not funny," Severus said. "It looked interesting…"

"Interesting? _Interesting?__" _Lily broke into laughter again, feeling like she was six years old instead of thirteen. "That's such a weird way to put it—"

"_What?__" _Severus asked, looking pained. "It's not weird—I'm telling the truth! It did look interesting! What d'you know, anyway?"

Lily stuck her tongue out at him. "I know more than you think," she said, but she wasn't even convinced herself. Still, she had to act confident.

"Sure," said Severus sarcastically, and he narrowed his black eyes. "Bet you don't know anything. Bet I know more than you know." His tone was curt and teasing, and Lily noticed that he inadvertently ran his tongue across the bottom row of his uneven teeth. She looked down and felt slightly peculiar (heart beat quickening, knees wobbly). Her eyes fell on the photo of the two people having sex.

She wanted to know what Severus knew, everything he knew. But she did not know how to ask, or how to talk about it. She was afraid he was telling the truth, and that both intrigued and annoyed her. After all, it was _Severus._ He was not very nice-looking by normal standards. Mary still called him the ugliest boy in their year, but Lily figured that it had more to do with personality anyway. Still, he was mocked by other students for his patchy skin and long hair that was now going way past his shoulders. He had messed-up teeth and he did not understand fashion. But there was that strange, bookish confidence that popped out of him every once in awhile, and that deep, scolding voice, and the way he'd tell her off while smiling. The way he seemed to only favor her, while he was sour about everything else… And really, his eyes weren't so bad. His eyes were actually quite pretty. They reminded Lily of big, black pools of water. The abyss. And anyway, they were friends and Lily told herself right then that when you're friends with someone, you tend to see things others don't.

When they left the study room to go up for dinner, Lily made sure to walk close to Severus. But not _too _close.

* * *

><p>"Crush them! Don't slice them!" shouted Severus, his black eyes feral, his teeth clenched in an ugly scowl. James Potter was messing up their entire Potions project, and he hadn't even seemed to care very much until Severus had started screaming at him.<p>

James' buoyant grin had evaporated, and in its place was an anxious frown. His eyes were wide behind his glasses. "Why are you yelling so much?" James asked in a petulant snap, attempting to crush the dried beetles with his blade. He dropped his knife and beetle parts went everywhere.

"You're useless," Severus said meanly. "Completely and utterly useless. Get out of my way, Potter."

"Gladly," James replied, "I was wondering when you'd take over. You always do—you're stupid, you know? You think you're such a genius but by annoying you I can make you do all my work—"

"Shut up," Severus snapped, bending over and crushing the parts with his blade in such a perfected and methodical way that James sighed heavily. "I can hear you doing that," Severus said, "and really, I don't give a damn. I just want this potion to be done right—"

"Do you care about anything else?" James asked. At Snape's silence, he sighed again loudly. "What a sad life you lead."

Severus muttered a string of curse words to himself, flinging the beetle parts into his cauldron, which bubbled agreeably. "Grab that mouse," he snarled.

"A right bossy boots you are," James grunted, but did as he was told. Severus wrenched it out of his hands and James glared. "You really should cut your nails. They're bloody sharp."

"I don't care about your opinion," Severus said, placing the stiff mouse on the cutting board and grabbing his knife.

"Well, they're disgusting, they've got dirt in them," James said. "You're using the gloves, right?"

"I'm not listening to you," Severus said, slicing the dead mouse's head and taking out its small brain carefully with his bare hands, squeezing it over the cauldron so that the juices ran out first and then he diced the whole thing up.

"You're going to wash your hands though, right?" James asked. After another moment of tense silence, he said loudly to himself, "Didn't think so!" To Severus' delight, James' voice cracked, leaving its high tone and going into a deep register.

He sniggered darkly. "Nice voice, Potter."

"What are you making fun of _me_ for?" asked James. "You sounded like my dad when we were all like, five years old! It's hilarious!"

"Five years old? I never even knew you when I was five!" Severus scoffed.

James rolled his eyes. "Can you ever take a joke?"

"_Stir__ carefully __for __ten __minutes __without__…" _muttered Severus to himself. "Potter! Stir that cauldron! Now!"

"I thought you were doing this on your own because I'm useless."

"Yes, well, I don't have four hands!"

James began stirring quickly, slopping potion over the side of the cauldron.

"YOU IDIOT!" screamed Severus, and grabbed the stirrer from James' hand. The classroom went silent, as all of the students turned to watch the drama at their station.

James looked around. "See this abuse?" he asked. "Do you all see this?" The other students laughed, besides Lily, who looked to Severus like she was just as annoyed as he was. Severus wondered how she and _Lupin__'__s_ potion was going. Probably perfectly. Severus clenched his teeth hard and ground them, feeling like he was going insane. Slughorn had given him a talking-to during which he'd told Severus that his aptitude for his studies was great but he needed an attitude adjustment. Severus had glared at him the entire time, because obviously Slughorn didn't see what a prat James Potter was. How anyone could work with him, Severus did not know. He whipped their potion around, seething with hatred.

"Is everything going all right?" asked a pleasant voice.

It was Lily. Severus dropped the stirrer into the cauldron and cursed. He had to use his wand to levitate it out. Things with Lily had been getting different since they had held hands. Severus could hardly stop thinking about touching her, but he also just wanted to be her friend. And then, she'd seen his porn by mistake. That had been mortifying, but also kind of nice. They'd looked at it together, which had later completely aroused Severus when he thought about it. He liked how interested in sex Lily was. It made him feel less mad.

"Good going," James said sarcastically. "Evans! Do you think you can stay here? Snape and I, we're sort of going through a rough patch right now… I'm afraid he's going to kill me—"

"No, he won't," Lily said, giving a little laugh but looking between them uncomfortably.

"I actually might," said Severus, turning around quickly. How could she laugh at James' joke? Or, maybe she wasn't laughing at him at all. Severus hoped not. Lily had her bangs pulled back today. He liked it. He could see her eyes better that way.

"See?" James said, raising his eyebrows. "At least he's honest with me—"

"Both of you need to shut it," Lily said. "Everyone's been watching you all period. You're both being very obnoxious."

Severus searched her face to see what she was thinking. "Me? Shut it? I didn't do anything, he's being—"

"You've been yelling at me!" James pouted. "You're going to give me low self esteem—"

Severus ignored James, and focused on Lily. "How're things over there with Lupin?" He tried to ask in a neutral way, but it came off all wrong.

Lily frowned at him, which he supposed he deserved since she'd at least agreed not to mention Remus around him. But Severus couldn't help but want to know. "Things are going just fine—"

"With how often he's ill, I'd think you'd be more behind," Severus burst out.

James' reaction was strange. He turned from Lily to Severus in an instant and asked, "What are you talking about, Snape?"

Severus crossed his arms. "What am I talking about? I'm not blind. Lupin misses class, and if I were Lily, I'd be really annoyed—"

"He gets sick, Sev, stop acting like this," Lily put in. "I'm not annoyed—"

James glowered at Severus. "Mind your own business," he snapped. "There's nothing going on with Lupin—"

"What's his sickness, then?" Severus asked, curious as to why James was reacting so strongly.

"Why do you care?" James asked. "That's none of your business," he repeated.

"So he _does_ have a sickness," said Severus, grinning a bit evilly.

James looked away and muttered to himself.

"Severus, _don__'__t,__" _Lily said.

"All right, but I think it's very suspicious," Severus said.

"_You__'__re_ very suspicious," James retorted.

"Have fun. I'm getting out of here," Lily said, giving them both a Look.

"No, Evans, stay!" James said.

"Don't tell her what to do," Severus asserted.

James and Severus turned around to find that their potion had bubbled over onto their desk, and was dripping steaming green liquid all over the floor. They spent the rest of the class screaming at each other over whose fault it had been.

Severus gathered up his things at the end of class shaking with so much rage that he dropped all of his flasks and had to fix them with a charm. He cursed himself and stuffed them into his bag. Everyone had left the classroom, besides that stupid _Lupin_who was talking privately to Slughorn on the other side of the room. Severus walked down the centre aisle, slowing down slightly when he passed Lupin and Lily's desk. Lupin's belongings were still spread out on the table, and Severus, being careful not to look obvious, skimmed over them. His annoying, well-made drawings and neat handwriting nearly drove Severus into madness. Sitting out in plain sight was Lupin's Defense Against the Dark Arts essay, the one Lily had said she'd helped him on. Severus figured she'd written the whole thing, since from glancing over it, it looked pretty decent. Slughorn and Remus were still deep in conversation.

Severus pulled out his wand and whispered a hex he'd learned from Avery that week. He watched as some of the letters on the paper floated around, mixing themselves up, and as others grew enormous ink blots, making them unrecognizable as words. The spelling was suddenly horrendous, and the paper shortened itself, making it end abruptly on only the third section.

_See__ if __you __go__ asking __Lily __for __help__ ever __again, __you __freak ,_Severus thought.

* * *

><p>"I just don't know how it happened," Lily was saying to Severus later that week. "I worked so hard on editing his paper, and the whole thing was completely wonky. It was like someone ruined it. But I don't know how they could've!"<p>

"What do you mean?" Severus asked innocently from behind _Great__ Minds __and __Greater __Minds._He had a pleasant feeling of accomplishment inside. After DADA that day, Shacklebolt had apparently kept Remus aside and had given him a telling-off for turning in such a shabby paper.

Lily went on to explain how the entire paper had been altered. She was quite upset.

Severus chose his words very carefully. "What does Remus think?" he asked.

"Well, he thinks somehow, someone got a hold of it or something, but I just don't know who would be that foul." She folded her arms angrily. "Honestly."

"Yeah, that's horrible. But… Maybe he'll stop asking you for so much help and start doing his own work?" asked Severus, trying to sound tentative. Lily looked at him strangely. "I mean, maybe," Severus said quickly and then changed the subject.

* * *

><p>It had been an invigorating dueling practice. Mulciber had given Severus lock-jaw, Severus had cut open Avery's throat, Rosier had made Mulciber's mouth dribble pus, Regulus had attempted to set Lucius' hair to fire but Lucius had set him on fire instead. Once everyone had more or less been healed, they sat around the common room, asking Lucius questions about his seventh year classes and exchanging more curses. They'd been hanging out like this for two weeks now, and it had been peculiar. Severus did not speak to Mulciber, Avery or Rosier much in class, but during these sessions, it almost felt like they were friends. Severus figured they wouldn't say anything against him in front of Lucius, and that was working in his favor. He could see the impressed looks in their eyes whenever he performed a curse they found to be intermediate. And Regulus, though annoying, praised Severus so much that it made him feel quite smug. Lucius seemed to like the lot of them, but he still only hung out with Severus one-on-one.<p>

"My father is trying to get a law passed by the Ministry to stop the acceptance of Halfbreeds into Hogwarts. And _that_includes staff," Lucius was saying, settled back in the leather chair by the fire, smirking. Narcissa had joined them, sitting on the floor in front of Lucius, leaning back and resting herself on his legs.

Severus was worried for a second that Lucius had such _Halfbloods,_until Rosier spoke.

"Good," she said, "perhaps that would make it so that oaf Hagrid could never come back again!" She did a fairly accurate impersonation of the gamekeeper's stupid, eager way of speaking. "'Ello, Sly-thar-ins! Lovely day, innit! Come by to view me cabbages?'"

The group broke out into loud laughter, while Severus listened.

"Hagrid's a halfbreed?" asked Mulciber, his eyes lighting up.

Lucius sneered. "How else can you explain his height? He's certainly not all human. The man's hiding something. And that tiresome prat is only employed here because Dumbledore's a loony. My father's good friend Tom Riddle told me that. And if _he_ works here, just imagined who they _admit.__"_

"What do you mean?" asked Severus quickly.

Narcissa smoothed her robes. "You know. Anyone who is half-monster, or half-creature, or some other repulsive thing. Vampires, giants, werewolves. It is unsafe for them to come to Hogwarts with normal witches and wizards, but Dumbledore has spoken publicly about how he accepts _everyone._ I find it disturbing. The lot of them should be imprisoned."

"Or slaughtered," Lucius added, kissing the top of Narcissa's head.

Narcissa nodded. "You know, all halfbreeds say they didn't mean to get bitten, or infected, but it's not true ninety percent of the time. Most of them practically _beg _to get bitten. It makes them feel special, like they're _different_. Of course, some of them are born into it, but they should all just do themselves in for the greater good."

"How can you tell if someone's a halfbreed?" Severus asked.

"It's obvious if you know what you're talking about," Lucius said. "Take that project you had on werewolves for example, Severus. I am certain that if you applied the knowledge you gained from doing that presentation, you'd find at least a dozen werewolves in your year alone."

"And Dumbledore has no issue pitting normal people against them," Narcissa added. "It is as though he thinks they are our equals."

"If I find out that there's a halfbreed in our year, I'll make their life a living hell _and__ then _get them expelled," said Mulciber haughtily.

"I'll help," Avery declared.

Regulus was sucking his thumb, looking horrified. "Vampires?" he whimpered. Severus nudged him hard and told him to quit it.

The conversation moved on to who they all liked and disliked in their classes. There were a lot more people that they all disliked, something Severus could relate to. All the third years abhorred Peter Pettigrew, who was Avery's Potions partner. Pettigrew asked stupid questions, and seemed to be a huge fan of every stupid thing that Potter did.

Severus went on a tirade about Potter, and rather than making fun of his intensity, Mulciber, Avery and Rosier listened and agreed. Severus explained how much he hated Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin, and told the group how he'd ruined Lupin's report (though he did not say why). They all seemed extremely amused and impressed.

"Lupin," snickered Rosier, "What a pathetic goody-goody."

"Gryffindors are so show-offy," Narcissa put in. "It's not only your year."

"And they're mean," Regulus said.

Narcissa looked sad. "I'm sorry, Regulus. You should let Lucius and I know if anyone's targeting you. Lucius can use his Head Boy power."

"Don't tempt me," Lucius grinned.

Severus tried hard not to physically recoil. Lucius and Narcissa had been acting a lot more infuriating lately since they'd officially become "a couple". They had suddenly become very in sync with all of their opinions, and liked to voice them quite often. Severus had never heard Narcissa speak so often. She was very smart, but quite as hoity as Lucius.

"I hate that big mouth Mary MacDonald," said Mulciber. "I've been trying to think of a good way to make her close her fat mouth—"

Rosier rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but you secretly _fancy_ her. I see you trying to catch a glimpse of her bum every day," she said.

"No, I don't," Mulciber said, sitting up straighter. "She's awful."

"I _hope_ you don't fancy her," Severus said. "She's the most annoying girl in school—"

"I do not think it wise for some people to judge who others fancy," Lucius said, sending Severus a long stare with his piercing eyes.

The others looked at them confusedly, but it definitely shut Severus up. It was the only time Lucius had mentioned Severus' crush on Lily since he'd slipped up and spilled it.

"Well, I don't fancy anyone," Severus said quickly, giving Lucius a pointed look that he hoped was convincing.

Lucius smiled back and nodded once.

* * *

><p>"Lily, you look beautiful. I mean, <em>really, <em>_really _good. I just can't believe you're going with Snape. You're wasting your cuteness," Mary said loudly, and pretended to choke herself.

"We're not going together," Lily said quickly. "Not as a couple. We're _walking _together to the party."

"Yes, Mary, Lily's only told you a thousand times," Muruvi said.

"Still, people will see you together and think things. You're very brave. I don't think I'd be able to put up with it if people thought Severus Snape and I were an item—"

"No one thinks we're an item," Lily responded, glancing in the mirror. She had to say, Mary was right. She did look nice. Muruvi had given her a sleek hair style this time, straight and pulled away from her face, and she was wearing the new green dress robes she had picked up in Hogsmede. It was Slughorn's Christmas ball, "the last hurrah before break", as Slughorn himself had put it. Lily was slightly surprised Severus had been invited at all, what with his insane behavior toward James Potter that quarter. Potter was annoying, but in Lily's opinion, Severus was taking it a bit too far with the way he was acting. Slughorn had insinuated to Lily that she should encourage Severus to start being nicer, which was hopeless. Severus was Severus, after all.

Muruvi continued to touch up Lily's hair while the other girls bantered.

"Lily, you spend far too much time with him, but that's just my opinion," Mary said.

"That's always been your opinion, Mary. And I don't want to talk about it right now," Lily said quickly. Mary had been pressing her to know why she'd suddenly been hanging out with Snape again so frequently and Lily had no idea where to begin.

There was a scream in the hallway. Two words were distinguishable: "SLYTHERIN! BOY!"

The girls ran to their door and Mary flung it open. Sure enough, Severus was standing awkwardly in the hallway, looking irritated as a gaggle of first year girls were pointing at him and jumping up and down frightfully.

"I gave him the password," Lily explained. "_What?__" _she snapped, as Mary raised her eyebrows. "It's okay, get out of here!" she told the first years. Lily surveyed Severus as the group of girls went back to their dorm. He looked about the same as he did at the last party, wearing Lucius' old robes with his hair pulled back. He was staring at the group of them as though he were a mole that had left its underground layer, squinting and blinking his eyes.

"Hi Lily," he said finally.

She grinned despite herself. "Hey Severus."

"Well, thanks a lot, Snape," Mary said noisily. "Hello to you too!"

Severus glared at her. "HELLO," he said rudely. There was a pause. "Your common room is very red," he said to Lily.

Mary broke up laughing. "Of course it is! Our house colors are red and gold!"

"But I mean, it's so bright!" Severus said, irritated.

Muruvi stared at him. "Why have you done your hair like that?" she asked. "I think it's better if you leave it the way it usually is."

"Yes, you can't see as much of his face that way," Mary agreed and Lily pushed her. "Kidding," she said.

Without asking, Muruvi pulled the band out of Severus' hair and let it out, and charmed it so that it looked a bit more cared for. It didn't do much, but it looked less silly which Lily was grateful for. Severus looked slightly mortified as Mary and Muruvi pushed him into the Gryffindor girls' bathroom to inspect himself in the mirror.

"I can teach you that spell if you'd like," Muruvi said nicely. Severus said nothing. Lily was in between being embarrassed and laughing at all of them.

Scarlet popped her head in. _"__Ohhh!__" _she said. "Lily, you look amazing! And Snape, you look better than usual! Which is a compliment," she added as an afterthought.

"I think you both look nice," Muruvi said.

Mary inspected them, narrowing her eyes. "Not bad," she said. "All right, have fun, LILY, tell me allllllll about it when you get back, okay? All right! Muah! Muah! Kisses!" she screamed.

As Severus and Lily went through the portrait hole, he gave her a fearful expression. But she could tell that he was hiding a smirk.

"Everyone's always on about my hair. I don't care about my hair," he said.

"I don't really care about it too much either," Lily said. "If you like it, then why care what other people say?"

Severus nodded. "See? This is why I like you."

Lily blushed deeply and changed the subject, making sure to put some more space between herself and Severus.

The party was on the second floor this time, in the music room alongside Professor Zabini's office. Lily had never been in there before, but it was beautiful, and filled with charmed instruments. The pianos were playing Christmas carols, and there was a load of good food. Lily was glad to see Severus acting less strange, and actually taking a plate this time. However, he kept scanning the room and did not seem to be listening to her when she spoke to him.

"Severus, _what_ is wrong?" Lily demanded finally, after he'd completely ignored a story she told about Xing and Alice's toads mating and leaving spawn in the Gryffindors' bath.

"I think Lucius is going to be here," Severus explained quietly, "so I'm keeping an eye out for you."

Lily gave him an odd look. "For me? Why for me?"

Severus looked down, blanching a bit. "Because I know you don't like him."

"Severus, are you lying right now? What's really wrong?"

"No, I'm not _lying,__" _Severus snapped, but he did not quite meet her eyes. He was being very odd but Lily left him alone about it. It wasn't worth getting into another embarrassing row. They'd definitely never be invited back to a Slug Club event if that happened again!

Lucius did show up later, with the gorgeous Narcissa in tow. Despite feeling pretty, Lily was envious of Narcissa's slender, straight form, her long, platinum hair that fell down her back and her petite breasts. Narcissa looked like one of the models in Petunia's magazines. Lily fingered her red straight hair, feeling like a little girl in comparison. Narcissa was only one year ahead of them, and yet she looked so extravagant. She and Lucius complimented each other so well that Lily could hardly help but stare, despite deploring Lucius with a passion. They whispered in each others' ears, held hands and smiled like they both knew a very interesting secret. Lily wondered how it must feel to have someone who made you feel that way.

"Ah, Severus," said Lucius pleasantly, coming toward them.

Severus turned away from the snack table, immediately looking stiff. "Oh, hello," he said quietly.

"Hi Narcissa," Lily said, snubbing Lucius on purpose.

Narcissa raised a pale eyebrow. "Hello," she said softly.

"You _know_ that Mudblood?" Lucius asked in a harsh whisper, making sure Slughorn could not hear. Lily glared.

"Lucius," Narcissa said, squeezing his arm, "this is not the time."

"Don't tell me—"

"I'm not telling you anything," Narcissa went on. "But there are other people around."

"You're right," Lucius replied. "Severus? Are you coming?"

Severus looked between Lucius and Lily. "I'm trying to get some food," he said loudly.

"Well, when you get some…" Lucius trailed off, raising his eyebrows and giving Severus a look-over.

Andromeda made her way through the crowd just then. "Narcissa, I thought you'd be here. I know how much you love to show off the fact that you were the only one Father let take ballroom dancing lessons."

"You had no interest, and Bellatrix was too busy… doing other things," Narcissa replied coldly, giving her sister a polite nod.

"Yes, Bellatrix was too busy doing strip-teases for your dollies at the age of thirteen," Andromeda said, laughing.

_"__Andromeda,__" _Narcissa whispered. "We have the family name to hold up, and we are in mixed company right now—" She indicated Lily.

"What? Because she's Muggle-born she can't hear our family secrets? Not that what I just said was a secret—"

"We understand you are different, Andromeda. But Narcissa and I are more careful about shaming our families," Lucius said delicately.

"Lucius, it's a Christmas ball, and not even you can put me in a foul mood today," Andromeda said. "I'm here with Ted—" She indicated a pleasant looking boy who waved awkwardly from across the room.

"Andy, _don__'__t,__" _Narcissa pleaded. "Just keep it to yourself."

Severus and Lily exchanged a glance.

"I won't keep it to myself. I'm dating a Muggle-born. Who cares? " Andromeda said loudly.

"You're kidding?" Lucius said. "For Salazar's sake, _keep__ that __to __yourself_."

"Don't tell me what to do, Lucius. I'm happy for once, and when I tell Mother and Father, they'll probably disown me and then I'll be even happier. So don't tell me to keep it to myself, you two-headed monster. Honestly, do the two of you even have separate thoughts anymore?"

Narcissa and Lucius glared and Andromeda laughed, skipping back to the so-named Ted. It was the most jubilant Lily had ever seen her.

"I'm feeling a bit ill," Narcissa said.

"I was going to say the same thing," Lucius said. "Let's leave."

Lily and Severus watched in awe as the haughty silver-haired couple snatched each others' hands and sped out of the room.

Lily laughed. "Guess their feelings got hurt."

"Andromeda could have been nicer about it," Severus said.

"You're joking. Lucius deserved it. Andromeda seems happy. I hope her family doesn't disown her. But I don't want to argue," Lily told him, grabbing a small meat pie and taking a bite.

Severus seemed to be thinking, and finally asked, "What did she mean, ballroom dancing lessons? "

"It's a winter dance, Severus," Lily said. "What did you think? It's called the winter ball."

"How am I supposed to know that's what a ball is? I don't dance," said Severus.

"What?" Lily snickered. "What do you mean, you don't dance?" He had to be joking. She couldn't believe it. The one boy she knew, her_ friend,_ and he wasn't even going to _dance. _Lily had not considered this prospect, though she didn't really know what she was expecting.

"I mean what I said. I don't dance. I hate it," Severus said.

"You can't hate it if you've never done it. Come off it. You'll dance."

"No," Severus said firmly. "I won't."

"I want to dance," Lily said. "You won't even dance with me?"

Severus shook his head. "No way. I won't dance with anyone, it's nothing personal."

"Severus!" Lily exclaimed. "_I__ want __to __dance_!"

"So dance by yourself," Severus told her.

Lily glowered, her green eyes flashing. "I got all dressed up for this thing, and you won't even dance!"

"You look nice," Severus told her, "but I don't dance. Don't look at me like that."

Lily looked around the room at the available boys. Belby wouldn't do—he'd completely avoided looking at her all evening. Besides, that would be too embarrassing. Jordan was nice-looking but he was there with Yuko Kimura. Lily wished Wendell Perkins was there. She wondered if he'd dance with her. She blushed at the thought of it. He'd scored loads of goals that day at the meet, and she'd almost made her throat raw from screaming. James had given her a telling-off for cheering too much for Ravenclaw. She snapped back to reality. There was no Wendell Perkins, there was only a desolate-looking Severus staring at her.

"Sorry that I don't dance," he said.

"It's fine," Lily said tersely. "I'm getting some trifle. Save me a spot."

She and Severus spent the beginning of the evening with their arms crossed. They hardly spoke for awhile, watching as other people mingled and danced. Lily was annoyed, but she did not say much to him about it, figuring there wasn't much to say. If he didn't dance, he didn't dance. She should have figured as much.

"Hey," Severus finally said, nudging her. "I really didn't know it was a dance."

"I know," Lily said, trying to hide the crossness in her voice. She'd decided by that point that dancing with him would be a bad, complicated idea anyway. Still... it might solve some questions in her head.

"You're mad at me," Severus said.

Lily shook her head, focused on watching Jordan and Kimura dancing. "No, I'm not mad."

"Good," he said. "I hate it when you're mad at me. What're you doing for break anyway?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't know. Probably visiting people in London, and then nothing. Why?"

"I dunno. Just wondering. I'll probably be bored as hell," Severus said. "Do you… Do you think I could get a ride with you to my house? I didn't even bother sending Poe. I know my mum either won't get the message or won't care and I'll be stranded at King's Cross either way."

Lily took her eyes off the dance floor and looked at Severus. "Of course you can get a ride, stupid," she said. "You think I'd just leave you there?"

"Maybe," he replied, smiling a little bit.

"D'you think your dad's going to be back?" Lily asked.

"Who knows? I hope not. I hope he stays wherever he's at forever. I'm fixing to ask my Mum about a bunch of stuff this break, and I don't want him messing everything up," Severus said. He sat back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling. "I want to know how to be a great wizard," he said finally. "I need to learn Legilimency and Occlumency. That I know. And I'm getting quite good at dueling."

"Severus, you _are _a great wizard," Lily said, and his face brightened up a bit. "And you still owe me dueling lessons," she added casually.

"Yeah, anytime," he said. "I miss when we used to hang out."

"We still hang out," Lily said.

"Yes, but, not as much. I think break will be good," Severus said.

Lily nodded. "I hope so. I'd like to get along with Petunia better again. I hope she's not too horrible."

"Good luck there," Severus said, snorting.

Lily punched him in the arm.

* * *

><p>"Oh, <em>no,<em>_" _Petunia groaned from the back seat of Lily's parents' car. "Not him!"

"Petunia, be kind!" said Mr. Evans cheerfully from the front seat. "Hello, dear! Hello Severus!"

Severus and Lily slid into the backseat, and Severus gave Petunia a wicked smile from beside Lily. Petunia glared at him. Severus was very aware of the fact that his leg was touching Lily's leg. He did not move, and internally prayed that she would not, either.

"Hi, Tuney," Lily said, giving her sister a small, over-the-shoulder hug.

"How was school?" asked Petunia glumly.

"Just fine," Lily replied. "And your school?"

Petunia seemed a bit surprised. "Good," she said. "I went out for girl's football again. There are pictures, if you want to see them. And I got top marks in science, and high marks in everything else, I've got a big chemistry project due at start of next term—"

"That's great, Tuney!" Lily said brightly. Severus thought she sounded sincere, but Petunia seemed uncomfortable with how conversational she was being. From what Severus could tell, Petunia looked annoyed rather than comforted by the gesture. He had no idea what Lily was trying to prove. As far as he was concerned, Petunia was a stupid, spoiled bitch who deserved ill treatment. But he'd always hated Petunia, from the very first time he'd met her. She was vindictive and judgmental, as unlike Lily as anyone could possibly be. And with her straight-as-sticks, yellow blonde hair and boyish frame, Severus hardly could believe she was related to the vivacious, curvy Lily. He figured Petunia was still jealous of Lily, and really, he could see why. Severus figured that no one at Petunia's school had a crush on her. Football, of all things. It figured. It seemed to Severus that every athlete he'd ever known was a complete arse.

"How about for you, Severus?" asked Mrs. Evans. "Have you been having a nice time at school?"

"It's fine," Severus said quietly, looking out the window. "I'm top at Defense Against the Dark Arts—"

"Oh," said Mr. Evans, glancing in the rearview mirror. "Is that good?"

"It's very good," said Lily, and Severus felt his face get hot. So she _did_ think it was impressive that he knew so much. He very much wanted to rub his leg against Lily's but he tried to stop thinking about it. He was desperately trying to learn how to control his erections, but so far, nothing was working. And to top it off, he'd been waking up nearly every morning with his sheets completely soaked. At first, he thought he'd wet the bed. But instantly, he knew something else had gone on. It was mortifying. He'd looked and looked for spells to cure spontaneous erections. He'd found a few ancient ones, but he was too afraid his penis would fall off as a result. That would not be worth it. Instead, he just enjoyed the fact that their legs were touching and tried to ignore the feeling that his heart might jump out of his chest.

Lily's parents went on and on, asking her questions that Severus tuned out of. They finally passed the park near Lily's house, where a group of teenagers were all smoking cigarettes and laughing. They were all dressed in dark colors, and Lily's parents looked annoyed.

"Every day," Mrs. Evans said, shaking her head. "They've been there every day this week, and none of the children have been able to play there anymore. It's awful. Severus, would you like to have dinner with us?"

He would have said no, because he didn't want them offering just because they felt sorry for him, but he was awfully hungry—and besides, it would give him more time with Lily. He helped Lily put her things away, but that was as much alone time as he got with her. Still, Mrs. Evans had made a delicious dinner especially for Lily's homecoming. Lily told funny stories about how annoying James and Sirius were, and Severus and her family laughed, save for Petunia. He imagined times always being like this—living above he and Lily's shop and seeing her daily, coming by with her to visit her family. He didn't like them very well, but he liked that they included him enough, even if they were Muggles, and snobby ones at that. He imagined how it would be, being grown-ups. It would have to be tons better than being thirteen. That he knew. By the time he was twenty he'd be a whole different person, he figured. By then, he'd probably be a lot better in social situations, and a lot more impressive, too.

Around eight thirty, Severus finally decided to leave. He was apprehensive to see what was going on at his home and besides, Mrs. Evans had asked him at least ten times what time he was going. He grabbed his limited amount of stuff, including Poe, who had been happily nibbling Atticus' beak, and took off toward Spinner's end. The old house looked bleaker than usual, given that the grass was completely overrun. Severus figured that no one from the local church had taken pity on the neighborhood that year. Luckily, Dad's Buick was not in the driveway, but a terrible looking, rusted old junk pile of a car was. Not that Dad's car wasn't all of those things, but this one really gave it considerable competition.

Severus opened the door to his house, and instantly was met with the aroma of cigarette smoke. His first thought was that Dad was back, and with an even shittier car. The record player was blaring with some band he'd never heard. _Since __when __does __Mum__ listen __to__ rock __records? _Severus thought, surprised, dropping his bag to the floor and walking into the kitchen, where the only light was on.

Sitting at the kitchen table was not his mother, but a girl who looked like she was at least as old as the seventh years at Hogwarts. She was wearing blue jeans that had holes all over them, and she had a very tough look about her. She had long, wiry black hair and dark, mean eyes. Out of her mouth poked a cigarette, and she put it out on the butter dish. She was not attractive but she seemed to be the type to beat you up if you said so, kind of like Rosier.

"Oh Jesus," she said painfully, clasping her hand to her heart. Her voice was hoarse and sultry, and her cleavage was visible just above her black shirt. "It's the Tobias Snape nose gene." She pointed to her own hooked nose, which, Severus realized, was identical to his own. He glared at her, wondering who the hell she was and what she was doing in his kitchen. She glared right back in the same way, and then smiled. "Well," she said. "You must be my baby brother. I figured you'd be home soon."

"_If you ever want me, come on and crrrry, crrry baby! Crrry, baby!__" _wailed the record player.

Severus stared back. "What?" he asked.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong> All right, I'm going to ask again—how do you all like the story? Speak up! I know you're reading it. I want to know what you think. I am continuing it, of course, but it makes it wayyy more fun when I have reviews and know what people are thinking. Did you enjoy it? Tell me. I write for my own pleasure, but I'd be lying if I said the reviews don't mean anything to me. They do. Because I like to hear what you're all thinking... HINT.


	10. She's Your Cocaine

A/N: So although there are important developments with Lily (and both of them together, hint hint), this is a very Severus-heavy chapter. Severus has so much development as an adult that I've been trying to lead up to in a plausible way, whereas Lily's canon development is more pliable. But Lily will be getting MUCH MORE love (from me, and probably Severus) next chapter. Things are developing fast now. Severus and Lily are maturing quickly.

Thank you for adds, reviews, etc! I love hearing from you. In this chapter, I used an excerpt of the beautiful poem _My Wicked, Wicked Ways _by Sandra Cisneros, lyrics by Led Zeppelin ("Dazed and Confused"), and referenced Edgar Allan Poe's _Telltale Heart_.

Apologies for any overlooked grammatical errors. I really hate the document manager. Why must it fail so much?

* * *

><p>Chapter Ten: She's Your Cocaine<p>

_December Break of third year, continued. _

* * *

><p>…Here is my mother.<p>

/

She is not crying.

She cannot look into the lens

because the sun is bright.

The woman,

the one my father knows,

is not here.

She does not come till later.

/

My mother will get very mad.

Her face will turn red

and she will throw one shoe.

My father will say nothing.

After a while everyone

will forget it.

Years and years will pass.

My mother will stop mentioning it.

/

This is me she is carrying.

I am a baby.

She does not know

I will turn out bad

/

_excerpt __from _My Wicked, Wicked Ways by Sandra Cisneros

* * *

><p>"Baby brother?" Severus barked. "What are you on about? Who are you, really?"<p>

The black-haired girl stared meanly at him, flicking ash onto the dining room table. She sneered. He sneered back. _Who__ is __this __bitch?_he thought. She seemed to read his mind. "I'm your half sister," she said. That voice. It seemed to be hand-woven from a million cigarettes. "Come on, sit down. Let's get acquainted." She squinted her black eyes. "Say, is that a fucking owl you've got?"

"Yeah," Severus said cautiously, "she's my pet—"

"God, what a freak house!" The girl laughed deeply, her chuckles coming out in throaty _hah__ hah __hahs_. "First your mum, now this owl—shit. Lemme see it," she said, pointing at Poe, who was hooting softly in her cage.

"No," Severus said shortly, dropping his bookbag on the floor beside him and gripping Poe's cage tightly. "I don't know who you are. When did you get here? How did you get in? Where's everyone else?"

She lit another cigarette and inhaled deeply. "You ask a lot of questions. And stop looking at me like I'm a liar. I got here this morning. Your mum let me in, _that_ was real fun, and Tobias is missing in action. At least that's what I could gather from your dear mummy. Woman of few words, she is. Though I 'spose I gave her a shock."

"I'm an only child," Severus explained to her.

"Yeah, and I didn't have a brother until this morning. My life story just gets more and more tragic, I swear." She laughed again deeply, and then broke into a fit of wheezing. "What's your name? Your mum told me, but I think she was taking the piss," she asked, pounding her chest and then clearing her throat violently. _The __Clash, _said her shirt. Her eyes were covered with a whole lot of dark eye makeup that in Severus' opinion made her look like she'd lost a fight.

"Severus," he said darkly. "What's yours, anyway?" He was hoping she was a liar, but the more he looked at her, the more he saw his father. It was in her coal-colored hair, her hooked nose, her thin face, her high cheekbones and dark eyebrows. The only different thing about her was her bright blue eyes, as wide as Severus' black ones, trailing off with the same long, black eyelashes.

"Abbigale. Call me Abby," she replied. "Severus? So your mum wasn't lying, then. _Severus_, _hah ,__hah__, hah_… Tobias definitely didn't pick the name. Not that he picked mine either. He probably split the scene the second I was born so he could go boff another whore. Come on, Severus, or whatever your name is- sit down."

Severus stared at her, trying to decide what he thought. She did not seem to have the same mother, based on her calling Eileen "your mum". Severus realized that this girl was probably a Muggle, and had absolutely no idea that she was in the house of a witch, unless Tobias had tipped her off somehow. The owl must have looked mighty peculiar to her. Severus was instantly furious. This was supposed to be his break, and as usual it was completely awful all ready. Abbigale stared right back at him, and uncrossed her legs. There was a large hole in the crotch of her jeans and Severus could not help but notice the black panties that were visible. His stomach was uneasy as he felt the front of his trousers getting tight. He'd never seen a girl who wore jeans like that. He swallowed hard, and put Poe down in the middle of the table, taking a seat across from his so-called sister.

She swung around to face the owl, leaning over to press her face to the cage bars, sticking her finger in, cooing at Poe. Poe bobbed her head and nibbled affectionately on Abbigale's finger. Abbigale laughed that phlegm-laced laugh and leaned back in the chair. "Tobias let you have an owl?" she asked.

"No. I bought her when I was at a friend's," Severus replied shortly, gawking at her, still trying to figure her out. "He doesn't know I have her."

"Hah hah hah," she laughed. "That'll really kill him. So, do _you_ know where the old bastard is?"

Severus figured she must mean his father, and so he shrugged, glaring at her. "How should I know? I've been at school since September. And he left last summer. Why are you here?"

"I ended up here," she said. "I've been running 'round London for awhile, one of my mates had a place for us to stay, blah blah blah, here I am. Nice house, by the way."

"You're kidding," Severus said, reddening. But she actually looked sincere, of all things.

Abbigale shrugged, exhaling smoke in his face. She laughed when he coughed. "I guess it's not really _nice_ but… It's all right, anyway," she said after a moment of thought. "At my mum's, we've only got one bedroom and the kitchen's a shithole. The whole thing is a shithole, actually. We've got rats, an'—" she noted Severus' expression. "Ah. You have rats here, too?"

Severus nodded. "Sometimes. And bugs."

"Perfect," she said.

"So, what are you even doing here?" Severus asked, annoyed at how nonchalant she was acting. "How'd you know this is where we live?"

"My mum tipped me off before I left. I disowned Tobias a year ago, when I turned seventeen. Figured since he wasn't in my life anyway I'd make things easier. But I've been out of the house with my mates for about six months now, and I realized I needed some money. I thought if anyone owed me something, it's him. Years of forgotten birthdays and no Christmases. Hah hah hah."

Severus raised his eyebrows. "Disowned. What's that mean?"

"It's a fancy word for sayin' like, fuck you and get out of my life forever. He's no longer in my family, y'know? I don't count him as blood. If I can get some money out of him then maybe I'll change my mind." She laughed again.

_Disowned._Severus liked the sound of that. "Can _I_ disown him?"

"Sure," she said. "There's nothing really to it. It's a personal statement. Though I don't know why you would. At least you _had_ a dad, even if he was a fucking awful one. Hah hah hah. You were the favorite family."

"What does that mean?" Severus asked.

"How old are you, Severus?" she asked, ignoring him.

"I turn fourteen in January," Severus said. "How does that answer my question?" he asked impolitely.

"Jesus, you're a little shit, aren't you?" Abbigale said, inhaling and then putting her cigarette out on her arm. Severus stared at this action intently, and she noticed, grinning. "I was tryin' to work out the math. I'm four years older than you. So I'm thinkin'… Tobias must've been…my age about? I'm just guessing—I don't know how old that fucker is. Anyway, he meets my mum and gets her knocked up but doesn't know it. There you have me. Tobias is there for a bit after finding out I exist, gets bored, sleeps around some more until he finds your mum, shags her a bit, knocks her up but feels like he should settle down. Settles down, but not really, and fucks up yet another would-be family." Severus watched her, feeling lost. He had the feeling that like Lucius, she simply liked hearing herself speak. "Does he still sleep around?"

"No idea," Severus answered, with only a basic understanding of what she meant. "I don't see much of him. He's always saying he has things to do in other places. Or just leaving," Severus said. He hated his father more and more by the second.

"Hah. HAH HAH HAH. Obviously he does," Abbigale said. "What I can't work out is why any woman would want to fuck him. I mean, sure, he's got the whole I'm-an-asshole look going for him, but he's truly a right prick. Honestly, I guess I'm lucky he picked to live with your mum. Last time I saw him was when I was eleven. He came back for awhile, said he was going to make things right. He called me a little bitch. I called him a dick head. He didn't like that too well."

Severus snickered. "You called him that? Wow… What'd he say?" He was slightly impressed with this Muggle girl. Not only was she interesting, she'd stood up to the person he hated the most in the entire world. When she was _eleven._

"Not much," she said, pulling up her right sleeve. There were faded red lines all over it. "From stitches," she explained. "Mum made me say I fell into the dishwasher onto a rack of knives."

"What really happened?" Severus asked, thinking of his array of scars and bruises.

Abbigale narrowed her eyes and looked at him. "I don't want to scare you."

"Nothing scares me much," he said.

She smiled, almost sorrowfully. "I'm sure it doesn't," she said. She sounded sincere. "Okay. I'll tell you. He threw me hard across the kitchen, but he wasn't really aiming to hurt me this bad, I know it because of his reaction. He was drunk as always—" Severus nodded—"and so he throws me, right? And he throws me so hard I fly out from the kitchen and land right smack on top of the glass coffee table. It was wild, Severus, there was glass everywhere. It would have been cool but it hurt like hell. I felt pretty special in school though. Everyone really wanted to talk to me all of a sudden. They felt sorry for me, y'know." Abbigale looked up, a triumphant expression on her face as though she'd thought of her happiest memory.

Severus felt a little uncomfortable for no real good reason, and so he was silent, watching as she gazed up at the ceiling. Her happy smile faded into a thoughtful frown. "Where's my mum?" Severus asked, breaking the silence.

"She was working all night so she's taking a nap. Is she a junky? She seems a little off," Abbigale said, getting up and opening the fridge, rummaging through the contents.

"What's a junky?" Severus wanted to know, watching her.

Abbigale threw him a little look and then went back to the fridge. "Someone who's always doing drugs. Heroin-type shit. I don't touch that stuff. I'm a soft drug user. Only cocaine, LSD, 'shrooms, pills and pot for me."

"I don't think my mum's a junky, then. I don't think she does any of that stuff," Severus said. The way she listed off all the drugs she used seemed like she was talking about her favorite sweets at Honeydukes. Severus had heard of some of them in passing, but not really. He knew they were things that weren't for kids, really. When Dad put on the telly, sometimes there would be sad movies where parents came home to their kids who had mistakenly swallowed some sort of bad medicine and there was a lesson at the end about locking the cabinets and lots of tears. Severus wondered if it was like that. He didn't want to ask too many questions because he did not want to sound ignorant. The woman with the raspy voice on the record was singing about how she hoped her lover knew he was only a one-night stand.

"She drinks though, huh? Unless these are Tobias' leftovers. I doubt it, though. You'd have to drink to be married to that asshole," Abbigale said, pausing in pawing through the freezer and holding up a half-empty bottle of vodka. She opened it, took a swig and made a face. He crossed his arms, annoyed. "Severus?" she asked, indicating the bottle.

"No way." He wrinkled his nose. "I won't drink."

"HA!" she said. "You're not some kind of square, are you? Have you even ever tried it? Might as well start now."

Severus shook his head solidly, his hair swinging around his face. "I won't like it."

"That's not the problem," she told him. "You'd probably love it. Remember that sometime when you have something you wanna forget about." She took another drink. "Well. Fuck this. Your mum obviously don't eat. Come on, I'm taking you out."

"Out where? I'm not hungry. I ate at my friend's. I can stay here," Severus said reproachfully.

"You just met me and you're trying to shake me? We have some serious bonding to make up for," she wheezed. "Come on, Severus. We're going."

Reluctantly, he let Poe out and followed Abbigale to her old car, shivering in his thin shirt in the freezing air. The car wouldn't start for a good five minutes, and Abbigale cussed loudly, slamming her fist on the dashboard. Finally, the engine purred like it had ingested gravel, and she flew out backward into the road, crashing into the neighbors' garbage cans. She laughed and peeled out into the darkness. She struggled to get a cassette tape in the player and swerved off into the road, so Severus grabbed it from her and stuck it in. Rock music blasted from her horrible speakers. A wailing, desperate man was screaming and a guitar played.

"I'D INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIENDS TONIGHT," she shouted, "BUT I'M NOT SURE IF THEY'D KNOW HOW TO ACT AROUND A KID!" She slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting a stray dog, and Severus held onto his seat, agitated.

"Are you sure you know how to drive?" he asked.

She laughed loudly. "YOU ARE SUCH A LITTLE SHIT," she yelled, and ran a red light. Cars around them honked their horns. Finally, they shot into a parking spot outside a little diner on the outskirts of town. "I'm fucking starving," she announced. He followed her inside, aware of the stares they were getting from the other customers, who happened to all be elderly people. He wondered if the looks were for the both of them or just her. He figured they both looked a right mess, though he had absolutely no holes in the crotch or bottom of his jeans to speak of. Abbigale slid into a booth and Severus sat across from her. She asked for onion rings, a strawberry shake and a cheeseburger, and winked at the waiter when she asked for extra pickles. Severus said he didn't want anything, but she ordered him a chocolate shake anyway.

"So what do you do for fun, Severus?" Abbigale asked after they'd ordered, drumming her hands on the table. It seemed to him that she was not able to sit still. Every second, she would look behind her, pick at her arm, brush her fingers through her hair, or adjust her black jacket.

"I don't really like fun," he said seriously. "I like school stuff."

Abbigale made a face. _"__School _stuff? Are you some kind of nerd? You don't look like it."

"Some people at my school call me one. But I dunno. I like inventing things, I guess," Severus said, wishing he could explain that he was into dark magic, dueling and trying to learn to interpret peoples' thoughts. He wished he knew Legilimency right now. He wanted to know what Abbigale was thinking as she peered at him from across the table. He wanted to know what he _did_ look like, if not a nerd.

"That's cool. I wish I had been better in school. Dropped out when I was fifteen." She took out her lighter, flicked it on, and waved her hand over it. "What's your mum do? She didn't tell me."

"I really don't know," said Severus honestly, watching her intently as she played with the lighter, "she's quiet."

"She looks like a witch," Abbigale said.

Severus stared at her. "What?"

Abbigale grinned, showing crooked teeth that made it appear that she had fangs. "Only joking. Take it easy. It's something about her weird ass clothes. Plus when I came in, she started putting away all these spices into the cupboard, they looked like ingredients for some kind of poison. _Bubble, __bubble, __toil __and __trouble,__" _she said and broke out laughing. A couple in the booth across the way whispered between themselves, looking at her skeptically.

"Oh," Severus said and managed a weak smile. "Right, yeah. A witch."

"You're weird," Abbigale said, after a few moments of silence. "But then again, so I am. I bet we were both dropped on our heads or some crazy shit when we were little. It would explain a lot to me!" She banged on the table again and scratched her arm. After a few more minutes, their food showed up, which Severus was thankful for. He was afraid she would ask him more about himself. He was an accomplished liar, but there was only so much he could lie about until it got ridiculous. He did not want to make details up about school, especially, as that could get sticky and simply would not be worth it. Sister or not, Severus wasn't counting on Abbigale to be a part of his life. She devoured her food, moaning and sighing over the burger and dipping the onion rings into her shake. Severus sipped his chocolate shake and watched her curiously. "Here," she said, pushing him the rest of her onion rings, "you look like you need these. Honestly, you look as anorexic as your mum does. You're a teenage boy. Eat them."

"I don't like eating too much," Severus said thoughtfully, "but I'm not whatever you said. I don't even know what that is." He took a small bite of an onion ring, studied it, considered whether or not he liked it, and then continued to eat it. It was better than he thought it was going to be.

"It's the least I can do," she said, finishing her shake and leaning back in the booth. "Are you ready to get going?" she asked suddenly, after their waiter walked into the kitchen. Severus nodded and Abbigale suddenly stood up. "Come on, then! We're getting out of here. Run!" Severus had no time to think, because she reached over and grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him out of the booth with her. She ran out of the door and, not knowing what else to do, he ran after her. Behind them, Severus heard the waiter calling angrily, but they were all ready to the car. Abbigale started it up and it made an awful sound like a dying horse. She threw open the passenger's door, Severus jumped in, and she gunned the engine. The car flew forward, and smashed into the cement barricade. "Oh fuck!" she rasped, put it in reverse, pulled out, adjusted, and sped away.

"Holy shit," Severus said. "Are you insane?"

Abbigale laughed. "Fuck yeah!" She turned on the cassette player, and the same tape blared loudly. _"__Been__ dazed __and __confused__ for __so __long __it __ain__'__t __true,__" _crooned the man mournfully, _"__I __wanted __a__ woman,__never __bargained __for __you.__"_

Severus had no idea whether to be angry or amused. Abbigale was testing his limits. He certainly disapproved of her in general but he was so taken aback by her that she was intriguing enough, like a character in a book. He was somewhat maddened about this extremely anti-academic Muggle girl. If she wasn't his sister and if he didn't want to know more about his father, he would have been much less inclined to hang around her, let alone even be cordial to her.

They shot into the driveway of the Spinner's End house, and she rummaged through her coat pockets. She dug out a cigarette and lit it, breathing in and then exhaling. They sat in silence, which Severus appreciated. She was beginning to make him quite nervous and so he appreciated the quiet. Abbigale held out the cigarette to him, and he gave her a skeptical look. She shrugged and took another long drag. Finally, they both got out and went inside. Abbigale said she was fine on the couch, and after taking another drink of the vodka, she set it on the coffee table, gave Severus a hug and immediately passed out. Severus was exhausted as well, and after looking at the clock in the kitchen, he realized it was nearly one AM.

Severus eyed the vodka, wondering what would happen to him if he tried it. He imagined that after a few sips he would be kicking things and screaming, like his father acted. Abbigale wasn't acting like that, though. Severus debated whether or not he should try some—just a little bit. After all, he'd tested awful potions before in class that were dangerous. Severus had always been very firm about what he believed in. He prided himself in being the least gullible person he knew of. However, he was also very inquisitive. It may have been something about his exhaustion, or the fact that he thought Abbigale was unique, or perhaps he wanted to prove something to himself, but Severus grabbed the bottle of vodka and took what he soon realized was a very large swallow. He had thought vodka would go down exactly like water. He was very wrong.

He gulped it and winced, wholly disgusted. It was by far one of the worst things he'd ever tasted in his entire life. It was strong, bitter, and simply revolting. It reminded him of the time James Potter had ruined an entire cauldron full of a fungus-removing liquid and the entire thing had festered and splashed all over the classroom, creating a haze of smelly, vinegary smoke. Severus swallowed several times and finally ended up getting a glass of water and drinking it to try and rid himself of the terrible taste. He went to his room and sat up in bed, patiently waiting for the transformation of normal Severus into drunk and violent Severus. It never happened. So there _was_merit to this experiment, after all. Alcohol tasted revolting, he decided, but it wasn't going to change anything. Slightly nauseous from the taste, he drifted off to sleep and dreamt of many bizarre things, including holding Lily's hand, and crashing a car into a white ocean.

* * *

><p>Lily had decided to keep up her goal of trying to regain Petunia's trust. After Severus had gone home, Lily had visited Petunia's room and listened to a synopsis of Petunia's chemistry presentation. Rather than thinking her sister was boring, as she had last summer, Lily realized how smart Petunia was. Although it was like Petunia was speaking another language, Lily would rather hear her talk about numbers and science than her gossip magazines any day. It was the side of Petunia that Lily had always admired—responsible and unyielding, so unlike Lily, who still saw herself as more of an individualistic sort of girl. Lily loved school, yes, but lacked Petunia's overly serious way of talking about her studies. Petunia seemed to be uncomfortable with how Lily was acting at first, but the next day, she smiled at Lily at the breakfast table and asked her how she'd slept. Their parents exchanged glances but said nothing. Lily could tell they were as amazed as she was.<p>

"I like your haircut, Tuney," Lily told her sister as they were cleaning up the breakfast dishes. Petunia was washing and Lily was drying and for the first time in years, Petunia did not thrust the dishes at Lily, she _handed_them to her. Petunia gave her a small smile. Lily was going out on a limb, though she did not say so. It was less that it was a good haircut and more that it was a relief to Lily she'd grown out the awful short swing-do. Her blonde hair was now approaching shoulder-length again, and Petunia had stopped putting ridiculous bows in it.

"Thank you," Petunia said quietly and Lily noticed that she blushed. Though they did not say much to each other, it was all ready a much more pleasant break than they'd had in awhile. When Petunia's friends came over that day, Lily was invited to have tea with them. They looked at her strangely, and spoke about things Lily had no interest in, but it was better than hearing Petunia refer to her as _"__the__ freak__"_. Petunia's friends were highly ordinary girls. Posh Tabitha rode horses and wore her hair in braids, loud Marcella chewed gum and wore expensive jewelry because her father traded stocks, and quiet Helen liked to read romance novels and never smiled. When they talked about boys, they all whispered as though they were being inappropriate. When Mother and Father left the room, the girls all eyed each other excitedly.

"Tabby swears that Bobby was looking at her in maths," Marcella burst out, and Tabitha turned scarlet, putting down the cookie she was nibbling.

"Marcella, _don__'__t!__" _she said.

Helen frowned. "Bobby's awful," she said. "He's got great boils all over his nose."

"I hate him!" Tabitha affirmed, nodding.

"That's not what you said to me," Petunia scoffed. "You said you thought he was nice—"

"I didn't!" Tabitha said, crossing her arms. "None of you know anything!"

"What about you, Lily?" Marcella asked. "Petunia says your best friend is a _boy.__"_

Lily looked at Petunia who shrugged meekly. "Sort of," Lily replied. "I have a girl best friend, too—"

"Is that boy your _boyfriend?__" _Marcella pressed.

"No," Lily replied quickly.

"Do you_have_ a boyfriend?"

Lily shrunk uncomfortably. "Well, no," she said, unaware of the right answer. "An older boy was going to ask me out, but he was acting really big and I wasn't interested—"

"An older boy?" snapped Marcella. "How old?"

"Fifteen, I think," Lily said and the girls gasped. Petunia did nothing but spin her teacup around on its saucer. She looked uncomfortable.

"Wow," said Tabitha. "That's so cool! And you said no?"

Lily nodded, though that wasn't exactly what had happened with Belby, not in the least. The girls were impressed by the story.

"You're so pretty," said Helen. "I like your clothes."

"I love your hair," Tabitha said. "It's such a nice color."

Marcella looked from Lily to Petunia. "You two really don't even look related," she exclaimed. The other girls babbled in agreement about how hard it was to believe that Lily and Petunia were sisters. Uneasily, Lily shot a sideways glance at Petunia. Her sister was fingering her own hair and looking down at the table, avoiding eye contact with everyone.

After the girls went home, Lily asked Petunia if she'd liked to play a game of checkers but Petunia said stuffily that she had an awful lot of work to do. Feeling that the situation was slightly unfair, Lily watched television instead. An American woman named Gloria Steinem was being interviewed. She was referring to herself as a feminist, a word Lily had never heard before, though she'd heard her mother speak on the concepts during her women's group that still met every once in awhile. Apparently, Steinem was working for "women's rights", and kept referring to "women's liberation". She went on to speak about how she felt women should get the same pay as men, and work the same jobs, and that women suffered from mental problems sometimes that could only be explained through "sexism". She was arguing that a woman's place was not in the home, and that a woman should not have to choose between marriage and a career.

"Are you interested in this?" asked Lily's mother, breaking her concentration. She had entered the room and sat on the other couch, and Lily had not even noticed.

Lily looked away momentarily from the television, nodded, and looked back at it.

"I've got a few books you may want to read," Mother said, gazing at Lily with a small smile. "It would figure you'd want to be a little activist. I believe in most of it, I just don't really have use for a lot of it." That confused Lily, but she chose not to ask what her mother meant by it. "I have one of her books, and I've got one by Betty Friedan—they may be a bit dry for you, but honestly I'm happy you're interested…"

She gave Lily the books that day, and Lily started reading them at once. The language may have been dry, but the subject matter was highly interesting to Lily, who had read a good chunk of _The __Feminine __Mystique _by supper. She understood most of the words, and those she did not, she looked up in the family's dictionary. She had an excited feeling, like she'd just found something dear that was missing.

* * *

><p>That Sunday, Severus woke up and remembered that he had spent the evening with his sister. It seemed like make believe, but after he'd changed out of his pajamas into some Muggle clothing and entered the living room, she was still there, as real as he was. She was splayed out on the couch, her hair ratty, with a cigarette sticking out of her mouth.<p>

"Morning," she said groggily. "Your mum's up. She's in the kitchen, making coffee. God bless her. Hah hah hah." She hacked and cleared her throat.

Severus crossed into the kitchen, and sure enough, there was his mother. He greeted her quietly, and she turned around and squinted like she didn't recognize him.

"Severus," she said finally, "you look so much older."

He stared back at her. "Oh," he said, unsure of what else to say and slightly humiliated. It was a curious thing that grown-ups did. In his opinion, he just looked like himself. "Mum. Did you know about…" He trailed off and nodded his head toward the living room.

Mum turned away from the coffee machine which was sputtering loudly. She shook her head. "I had no idea—"

"Baby brother and I had a bonding experience last night. It was totally groovy," Abbigale said, stepping into the kitchen and brandishing the vodka. She messed up Severus' hair. He glared at her and she laughed loudly. "Yeah, your mum and I were just discussing the fact that Tobias never mentioned my name right before you got up. I'm trying to convince her that Tobias is a dirty scumbag. Mind if I smoke, Eileen?"

Mum made a small shrugging gesture that Severus knew from experience meant she cared a bit but was not about to say so. He dropped into a chair at the kitchen table, and pet Poe, who was back in her cage nibbling her food. Abbigale lit her cigarette and grinned at Mum, who began handing out cups of coffee.

"Letting your kid have an owl, that's insanely cool," Abbigale laughed, sitting next to Severus and pouring vodka into her coffee mug. "I'll definitely lift some more booze for you, too, Eileen. I'm not a bad house guest," she said in response to Mum giving her a look-over.

Mum did not seem too phased, because she sat down across from them and stirred sugar into her coffee, looking deep in thought. After a moment, she wordlessly grabbed the vodka and added a bit of it to hers as well. Severus observed her, and wondered if this meant she was stressed about Dad having another family. He hoped that Abbigale would be able to convince her that Dad was scum. Then maybe Dad would never come back. He recalled tasting the vodka last night and wondered if he should be feeling different today somehow. In a way, he did. He felt experienced.

"He's smart," Abbigale said, indicating Severus. "Says he loves school and shit. You've raised a good kid, Eileen." Her tone made her sound like an approving grown-up, a peer of Severus' mum's, not a teenage girl. It made Severus feel young, and so he sent her another disparaging look and drank his coffee.

Mum shrugged again, the same meek gesture as before. "School was all I liked when I was his age," she said. Severus looked up at her, wondering how she'd been at Hogwarts.

"Bunch of weirdos," Abbigale said lightly, taking a gulp of coffee and then adding several spoonfuls of sugar. "Fucking strong brew, Eileen." Severus couldn't help but think of Lily. He thought about what she had done on the first day of break, and hoped that perhaps for the first time, he had more interesting news than she did. Even if it wasn't a trip to London or out to some shopping centre.

Mum did not laugh or smile, she simply took another sip of her spiked coffee. Even more, Severus wanted to know what she was feeling. He reckoned he did not even know how he felt. He despised his father even more now, the abusive sodding drunkard. Two families in different places, maybe more? Throwing Abbigale at a glass coffee table like she was nothing… all those scars. The time he'd strangled Mum… Beating Severus so many times, that evil grin on his angular face…

_I__ wonder __what __it __would __feel __like __to __kill __him, _Severus thought suddenly. He figured he would feel powerful and accomplished—like he'd really done something good. During Lily's scary story phase when they were ten years old, she'd read him a story called _The __Telltale __Heart _(the author's name was Poe, which was where he got the idea of what to name his owl). In the story, a young man killed an older man and hid his chopped up corpse underneath the floorboards. The police came round because a neighbor had heard the old man's screams, and they were doing a simple investigation on the noise complaint. The young man lied flawlessly, and even entertained the policemen for some time. But soon, he began to hear the old man's heart beating underneath the floorboards. It beat so loudly that he knew the policemen could hear it too, and he was convinced they knew he'd killed the man, and were waiting for his confession. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and burst out that the body was underneath the floor and that he'd committed the crime. That story had stuck with Severus because he often wondered whether he'd actually care very much if he killed someone. He figured that since he was good at lying, he could probably fool just about everybody. And being a wizard, he had it easy. The simple _avada __kedavra_ would do the trick, and there would be no fingerprints and no blood. Besides, who would give a shit if Tobias Snape wound up dead?

"Severus," Abbigale was saying, "Severus, get that dazed look off your face. You're coming with me."

He snapped back to attention to see both his mother and sister staring at him. "Wait… Where do I have to go?" he asked in a low voice.

"I have to get out of Cokeworth tonight after I find all my mates. You're going to come with me to the park and meet them."

Severus shook his head. "I don't think so," he said briskly. Hanging out with Abbigale alone had been vexing enough.

"It's not a choice, Severus. I mean, how often do you meet long lost sisters?" She winked at him and exhaled smoke. And really, he couldn't argue with that.

Abbigale gave Mum a hug, grabbed the vodka and her cigarettes and headed out the door, Severus on her trail. "Your mum's a freak, but she's sweet," said Abbigale loudly. "I can see the resemblance between you two, ya know? In the way you act," she clarified. "Your face, it's totally Tobias'—" she went to pat his cheek and he pushed her away, furrowing his brow.

"DON'T!" he yelled, and she narrowed her eyes at him, smirking. "I DO NOT look like him!"

"Touchy," she said, and took a swig of the vodka. "Look. I _know _I look like him, too. I don't like it, but there you have it. You don't have to go all asshole on me."

"I fucking hate him," Severus said, grinding his teeth, quickening his pace. "I do _not_ look like him. You don't know anything!" _Stupid__ fucking__ Muggle,_he thought, incensed, _what__ do__ you __know, __anyway?__ I__'__m__ not __like __him, __not __at __all!_

Abbigale raised her eyebrow at him. "Suit yourself," she said. "I didn't mean to get you all angry. Let's forget about it."

"Fine. But I don't," Severus snapped. "And I don't like you calling my mum a freak, either. What'd she ever do to you anyway? She let you sleep on our couch, didn't she? She could have slammed the door in your face."

"I'm rather used to people being right fuckheads," said Abbigale coolly. "You don't have to tell me what she could have done. I know not just any woman would be as cool toward her husband's daughter from another relationship. I _know_ that. I all ready thanked her a million times. You know, you're pretty fucking jaded for a little kid."

"I'm not a little kid," Severus said, stuffing his hands in his trouser pockets. Snow had begun to fall and it was getting very cold outside. It made white speckles in Abbigale's hair and dotted the asphalt ground like table salt.

She lit up a cigarette and gave him a wry smile. "Right," she said, as they rounded the corner and entered the park. It was fairly empty, save for a few small children playing on the swings with their parents. Abbigale leaned against the slide, puffing out smoke. "They must be off for bit. Ah, well, we can wait…"

"Maybe _you _can wait. I should go," Severus said.

Abbigale grabbed him by his shirt sleeve. "Honestly. Stop being such a dick. I'm trying to create some memories. So just be cool."

_Is__ '__cool__' __her __word __to__ describe __everything_? he wondered, scowling and trying to keep from shivering. _Be __cool, __be __cool.__For __God__'__s __sake!_ Severus wanted to tell her he didn't know how, but he didn't want to paint too pathetic a portrait of himself. She knew nothing about him, so he could let her think he was anything he wanted. "Who are your mates, anyway?" he asked, after a few moments of silence. He may as well attempt to speak to her, even if she was barking mad. She was right—she was his half sister who he'd never met, and this was therefore a very rare occasion. And besides, it sure didn't seem as if she was going to let him leave.

She re-lit her cigarette and looked pleased he'd asked her a question. "There's Roxy, Henry, Robby, David and Seth. They're all old friends I've had since high school. Henry is a mechanic. He isn't really my boyfriend, but we fuck sometimes. I used to date Seth and now he and Roxy are seeing each other, I set them up. Roxy's my best friend since primary school, David's kind of a knobhead and Robby plays music and… there you have it. Roxy won't be here today. She said she had to be off to London again for her abortion. I told her if they lead her to an alley, that she should fucking run. Hah hah hah."

Severus raised his eyebrows. There was that word: _abortion._She seemed to catch his gaze and blew out smoke.

"You know what that is, right?"

Severus shrugged. "Sort of," he said, trying to be sly. He didn't want to let on he didn't, and also wanted her to tell him exactly what it was.

"It's like, this way to get rid of a baby, or whatever a baby is before it's a baby—so you don't get pregnant. They sort of suck it out like a vacuum and throw it away. I've never had one, but I went with my mate Suzanne when we were in school. That was awhile ago, and I was super high when she did it. Otherwise, I think I would've freaked out. I remember thinking of it as a toy shop with all kinds of doll parts little girls didn't need anymore. Arms and legs and googly eyes," Abbigale said carelessly, putting out the cigarette on her arm. Severus shivered despite himself. So that's what his father wanted Mum to do. His father would have wanted him to not exist. Severus wondered if maybe not existing would be so bad.

"What about you? Who are your friends?" Abbigale asked after a few minutes of tense quiet, spitting on the ground. "Does anyone your age even live in this place? All I've seen is fucking babies and old people and poshy mums."

"Sure," Severus said, nodding, trying to shake his previous thoughts. "A fair few. But I don't like most people around here. Most of my friends are at school—" he said, and then paused, wondering who he really counted as a friend. Lily, of course. Then obviously Lucius and _maybe_ sometimes Regulus and Narcissa (at least, he counted Narcissa—he wasn't certain how she felt about _him ,_however). He might throw in Mulciber, Avery and Rosier to sound like he ran with a bigger crowd, but he was still unclear as to how much they thought of him a as a friend. He didn't quite like them, but he was beginning to want them to like him. It was an embarrassing feeling that had only begun to recently develop, and he wished he could stop it.

"Ahem! Excuse me! Young woman! Young woman," came a shrill voice from the play set that bit Severus harder than the cold. A mother he'd seen around Lily's neighborhood was making her way toward he and his sister, flecks of snow dotting her black fur coat.

"What?" Abbigale asked, instantly changing her tone to an unpleasant bark.

The woman seemed to draw back, but her yappy little voice carried over to them across the chilly air. "Young woman, you shouldn't be smoking… or _drinking__…_ in this park! It's a public place!"

"And what's your point?" Abbigale asked bluntly. Their accents sounded funny against each other.

"My point? My point?" The woman seemed in danger of toppling over. "Children play here, young lady! Not to mention, public intoxication is not—"

"I'm not intoxicated. Not yet! And children don't ever seem to mind me smoking or drinking," Abbigale said, indicating Severus. He blushed, angry at once again being referred to as a child.

But the mother bristled, staring at Severus coldly. "That _young __man_ is no different than you. Tatty, Spinner's End scum—"

"Oi! Who're you calling scum, you jumped up bitch?" yelled a man's voice. Severus, filled with fury and humiliation from the woman's comment (he'd seen her around since he was a small child, and that was what she thought of him?), turned to see who had spoken. A gang of several very hardened looking young men had stepped in next to Abbigale.

"Yeah!" Abbigale shouted. 'That's me little brother you're talking about. You want to talk shit about me, then you go right ahead. But don't you dare talk about him!"

"Little brother?" asked the bloke who had spoken up, and sent Severus a friendly wave. "How do you do?"

The woman looked at them all and shrunk back. "Fine!" she was screeching as she left. "Threaten me with your violence! I'll be phoning the police!"

"We'll be leaving anyway!" spoke up a second bloke, laughing. "Do what you want. We ain't afraid of no coppers."

As the woman made for the street, Abbigale and the blokes all broke up into loud, hacking gaffaws. "Severus, _hah__hah__hah,__" _Abbigale began, clutching her stomach, "Severus, these are the blokes I was telling you about—Henry, Seth, David and Robby. This is my new baby brother Severus—"

The one who had spoken first had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and slitted eyes. He wore a shirt with yet another Muggle band Severus had not heard of, T REX. "Severus?" he chortled, tapping a pack of cigarettes on his arm. "What kind of drugs made your mum and dad think of _that _name? I'm David."

"'lo Severus, I'm Henry," said the other who had spoken, the one Abbigale had said she "fucked" sometimes. He shook Severus' hand, and his hands were very worn and dirty. He had sad, large eyes and a shock of black curly hair, and cinnamon colored skin. His shirt didn't say anything, but he was wearing a jean vest that was covered in rips and tears. He also wasn't wearing any shoes. Severus was suddenly thankful for the fact he had no winter coat. He actually was fitting in sort of well in this group, at least as far as clothing was concerned.

"Seth" was wearing a Sid Vicious shirt and black boots, and laughed a lot and "Robby" had the most facial hair Severus had ever seen on a human being. He was slightly jealous. They took turns taking swigs from the vodka as Severus watched, and Abbigale reenacted going to meet Severus and his mum.

"No shit," said Henry quietly. "So Tobias is worse than you thought?"

"Way, way worse. I'm goin' between what to tell Mum when I visit. I don't know if she'd want to know he's got a completely different family… I mean, she knew he was playing her for a fool but I think she liked it better when she thought he was just shagging everybody," Abbigale shrugged. They'd moved underneath the slide, where the snow hadn't yet hit and the gravel on the ground was surprisingly dry.

"What do you do, Severus?" asked Robby.

"Not much," Severus said, but Abbigale interrupted him.

"He's a genius. He's brilliant at school," she said, and nudged his foot with her own.

"Not a genius," he said back instantly, but felt a little smug.

"Far out," said Seth. Abbigale and her friends talked more, about where they were going next, and music, and politics. They didn't seem exactly intelligent, but they were the best Muggles he'd ever met—or at the very least, the most fascinating. When David handed out cigarettes, Abbigale stopped him when he got to Severus. "He doesn't smoke," she said, but Severus reached out his hand. It was something about the cold, and being constantly referred to as a kid, something about impressing his sister and her friends. He took a long white cigarette, managed to light it and inhaled. Abbigale watched him, as if waiting for him to make an arse of himself. He didn't. When he breathed out, he barely coughed. He'd even impressed _himself._

David and Robby messed around a bit on the monkey bars while Abbigale and Henry snogged and Seth sat back against the slide and wrote in a small notebook. Severus watched his sister and Henry, the way Henry wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed her bottom and how they snogged with their mouths open, their tongues ensnared. He smoked his cigarette until the filter ran out and the ash burned his fingers, a shock compared to how cold it was. When David asked if he wanted another, he said yes. He wasn't sure if he liked the way the cigarette tasted, but he liked that it warmed up his mouth and his hands. It felt pleasant. He was halfway through it when Abbigale's laugh rang out.

"Pishy-poshy," she said, indicating a group of girls about Severus' age who were walking through the park on the opposite side, wearing expensive winter coats. Several of them were staring in horror at her. Inhaling, Severus realized that one of those girls was Petunia. And following close behind the girls was Lily. She noticed him just about the same second he noticed her. He exhaled smoke, his eyes widening.

"Severus!" Lily exclaimed, straining to see. "Is that you?"

"Lily… don't," Petunia called out, and the girls that were with her chattered in interest.

Abbigale turned to Severus. "You know that girl?"

Severus nodded, and without thinking, he said, "She's sort of my girlfriend."

"_That_girl?" Abbigale shot him a widened-eyed glance as her friends gave catcalls. Lily was crossing toward them, her red hair standing out like holly berries in the now quickly falling snow. Severus' stomach was doing somersaults. When Lily approached them, she was looking around smiling. Leave it to Lily to be completely unfazed.

"Hello," she said pleasantly. "Hi, Severus."

"Hey Lily," he said, even more aware of the cigarette he was smoking. He flicked some ash onto the ground and watched as Lily's eyes followed it, the little fiery crumbles disappearing into the layer of snow on the ground.

Abbigale stuck out her hand. "Lily. Good to meet you. I'm Severus' long lost sister. We only just met—"

Lily's eyes widened a bit, her smile quivering in what appeared to be disbelief. "Really?" she asked, and looked to Severus. He nodded.

"Yea'," Severus said shortly, and Lily shook Abbigale's hand and then each of her friends' hands in turn. Lily looked so different from all of them, so pretty and clean. Petunia and her mates watched from across the park. It seemed like Abbigale was about to start explaining exactly how she and Severus had met, but at that moment, a police car drove up to the curb.

"Oy," a policeman said as he stepped out, eying the group warily. "Got a complaint you lot have been loitering and smoking cigarettes—it's not allowed on this property, you need to be off.. This is a private neighborhood!"

"Everywhere's private," said Henry. "You don't want us anywhere. Just say so. We're off, anyway—"

"Move it," said the cop. "I don't need to hear your jabber. Just clear out!"

"Lily!" shouted Petunia from across the park.

Severus tossed his fag into the gravel and stepped on it, as Henry and David began to banter with the policeman, spouting off facts about cop brutality. Abbigale seized Severus and wrapped him in a hug. "We'd better be going," she said in his ear. "It was real, Severus. Maybe we'll run into each other again, okay?"

"Okay," Severus said quietly, nodding into her hair. He'd never recalled a family member hugging him like this as far as he could remember. Right when he was getting used to her, she was leaving, just like he'd guessed she would.

"Lily's precious," Abbigale whispered. "She looks like she can handle her shit. You treat her good or I'll come back and beat your ass. Hah hah hah." She reached into her pocket and took something out, then grabbed Severus in a second embrace. She reached around behind him and at first, he thought she was touching his bottom. But she was slipping something into his back trouser pocket. Abbigale threw a glance behind her, where the copper was shouting at David, who was shaking his rear. "Here, take this," she said, and shoved the vodka in the crook of Severus' arm. She gave Lily a hug too, and then ran off. Her mates followed after her, whooping and yelling, their voices strangely loud, echoing in the snow.

The policeman waved his fist at them and then jumped back in his car, speeding off down the lane, apparently deeming that Severus and Lily were not a threat.

Lily turned to Severus with a thousand questions in her eyes, but Petunia was screaming to her:

"GET BACK OVER HERE!"

"I'd better—" Lily said, indicating her sister, "she'll tell Mother and Father all kinds of things if I don't. But—tonight? The clearing?"

Severus' heart was pounding with excitement. "What time?"

"Eight," Lily said. "Be there, okay? I want to hear everything!" Her eyes glittered with curiosity, and she bid him one more look-over before running back to her sister.

Severus watched her, wondering how she'd react to all his news. He patted his back pocket, and emptied it. In his hand was a pack of Pall Malls and... He read the package… a _condom_. He had to admit to himself that while walking home only carrying a pack of cigarettes, a condom and a bottle of vodka, in Abbigale's words, it was the coolest he'd ever felt in his life.

* * *

><p>"You wally! It's freezing!" Lily grinned when she arrived in the woods, for Severus was there all ready and was only wearing the short-sleeved black T-shirt he'd had on earlier. She, on the other hand, was in her new coat (an early Christmas present from her Mother) and carrying a thick blanket.<p>

"No, it isn't," Severus said, and crossed his arms over his chest. Unlike earlier, he wasn't smoking. Lily was sort of disappointed. It had been such an interesting thing to walk in on, Severus with the supposed gang of hoodlums her mother had described the first day of break, smoking cigarettes and then getting yelled at by a policeman. And, Severus with a sister! She'd looked so much like him, too. So far, this break was much different than others in the past.

Lily approached him. He was leaning against the large Hemlock he used to climb in when they were small. In the crook of the tree was a slight indent, a curved hollow where you could sit on the roots and nestle into the bark. There were usually bugs, but Lily hoped it would be too cold for them. "Move over, you," she said, and sat beside him. "Blanket?" she asked, her cheeks a bit flushed. She wasn't certain if it was from the cold.

"No, I told you… I'm fine. I don' t need it."

"Suit yourself," Lily said, slightly disappointed. She bundled up, leaning against the tree. "You're going to catch a cold," she said playfully.

"You can't catch colds. They're not like snitches," Severus retorted, looking at the blanket. He seemed to be thinking something, and then leaned back beside her, his shoulder barely touching hers. She felt her knees do that unfortunate wobbly-thing. "Good to see you," he said.

She blushed and this time she knew it wasn't the weather. "It's only been two days or so—anyway, I want to know about your sister! How did you meet her? And how has your break been?"

Severus closed his eyes, smiling a bit. He looked calmer than usual, more composed. "A bit mad, really," he said. "Her name's Abbigale—well, you met her. I met her when I got home from break. She was just sitting in my kitchen. She's got a different Mum, but Tobias is her dad, too—"

"Tobias? Oh, is that your father? I've never heard you use his name—"

"Yeah, that's his name. And he's right asshole. I've disowned him," Severus said, crossing one long leg over the other.

"You've what?" Lily was having a hard time keeping up. Severus even _sounded_slightly more confident. He was still talking in that same quiet, snippy voice, but he was talking boldly, almost like he had while telling her about Hogwarts when they'd first met.

Severus opened one eye to look at her and then quickly closed it. "Oh—it means he's not part of my family anymore. I completely renounced him. That means—"

"I know what renouncing something is."

"Well, I did," Severus said quickly. "I don't have a dad anymore, and I don't want one. I hope I never see him again. My mum is all I need. And Mum's starting to realize that Tobias is an asshole as well. I've decided I'm going to ask her all about Legilimency and Occlumency tomorrow. I also want to know about her family; she's never told me much about them, besides them being Purebloods. And—"

"Severus," Lily giggled, nudging him out of habit. "You're talking so fast—I think it's great you're going to try speaking more to your mum, though. I know you haven't gotten along with her so well—"

"She's much better than him," Severus said instantly. "I've just realized today how much more I'm like her, and I know it's because we're both magic. I mean, I've known that forever but I guess I never thought about it too much. I've never really felt like I was related to Tobias, anyway. I used to pretend I had a different dad. I'm thinking things are going to be different, now. Now that he's gone," Severus clarified quickly. "I just really want to know about my mum's side of the family—the Princes. That's her maiden name, Prince," he added. "Abbigale got me thinking about a lot of things. She was sort of annoying, but I think I like her."

"You sound…" Lily was about to say _different ,_but she was sure Severus would become offended for one reason or another. "Like you've had a good weekend," she put in.

"I wouldn't quite say that. It was _interesting ,_definitely," Severus told her, tapping his boot against the large root of the tree. "So what'd you think, seeing me today?"

Lily raised her eyebrow. Something was definitely up with her friend. "What does that mean? I was confused as to what you were doing at first. Tuney said your sister and her friends were the group of kids who've been hanging out in the park all week and making trouble. But they seemed nice enough to me. She also told my parents she saw you smoking—"

Severus' eyes got a little bigger but then he closed them again. "That's okay. They don't like me anyway—I'll just—"

"They like you fine!" Lily said, a bit strongly. "I've told you that. They didn't seem to believe her anyway. Besides, _I_ wanted to know why you were smoking. When did that start?"

Severus gave a little shrug. "Today," he finally said.

Lily broke up laughing. "You're ridiculous!" she giggled.

"No, I'm not! I'm not ridiculous!" He looked indignant. "So, what do your parents think?"

"What do you mean, what did they think? I just told you, they thought Tuney was lying. I've been trying to get along with her, but she's got a really big mouth. Yesterday, we almost got al ong but she made me hang around her friends and it was just awful. Today was the same. I don't quite know how to be Petunia's friend again—"

-"So don't," said Severus shortly. "It's like I told you, good luck. She's too annoying."

Lily sighed. Severus was definitely in one of his rarer moods, where he was feeling positive and therefore not up to meditating very hard on anything she told him, only up to prattling on about himself. She'd wanted to tell him all about the new concepts she was learning from Steinem and Friedan, but she wanted to impress him and she could all ready tell that right now was not the time. She'd discuss it with him after she'd mastered some of the ideas, she decided. That way, she could get him interested by spouting off some facts. She knew he would like that. Lily was slightly annoyed that he had better news than she did. She was excited for him and his new sister, but it was the first time since he'd stayed back at Hogwarts that she'd realized how much she depended on him needing _her._

"So you're not addicted to smoking now are you?" Lily wanted to know. After all, that's all she'd seen of cigarettes on television and heard from her parents. They said it was a dirty, disgusting habit.

"It's not like that," Severus said confidently. "Anyway, it's not like I'm going to smoke all the time now. My sister did leave me some fags though. And this…" He stayed stationary for a moment as though debating something and then reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a little plastic package. He showed it to Lily who read the wrapper.

"A condom?" she giggled uncomfortably. Truth be told, she didn't really know what it was, just that it was somehow involved in the sexual, the inappropriate.

Severus nodded and stuck it back in his pocket. "I'm saving it," he said importantly.

Lily watched him. "How does it work?" she asked.

"It…" He furrowed his eyebrows. "It stops someone from getting pregnant."

"How?"

He seemed to be struggling to come up with an answer. "It… er…"

"You didn't even know that, Sev! You just read the package!"

"No!" he said scornfully. "I knew that! Everyone does!"

"Let me see it," Lily said.

"No."

"Let me!" she demanded, and without really thinking, she made a grab for his back pocket. "Oy!" he cried out, and fought her off with his arm. She laughed and tackled him, grabbing him around the shoulder with her own arm and trying to slip her hand into his pocket for the other. He pulled her hand off him and clasped it tightly. Lily tickled him and he squirmed, laughing. He moved forward in such a way that she was able to quickly stick her hand into his back pocket and grab the condom. She couldn't help but notice that his behind was very small and flat.

"No fair!" he protested, and tried to grab it back, but she was reading it quickly and slapping him away.

"Ninety nine percent effective against pregnancies and sexu—sexually transmitted diseases," she read. "Ha! You read it right here! And I bet you don't know how it works, either!"

"I know how it works," he said, sounding annoyed, and he snatched it away. He stuffed it back in his pocket.

"So when do you get to see your sister again?" Lily asked, trying to change the subject so that Severus wouldn't mope for too long.

He shrugged. "Maybe never. I think she has a lot of things to do. It's all right, though. She all ready helped me enough." He settled back on the tree, grazing Lily's shoulder with his elbow.

"Did you tell her about Hogwarts?" Lily wanted to know, and Severus shot her a disparaging look that instantly made her frown. "What? Don't look at me like that!"

"I couldn't tell her that!" Severus said dramatically. "She's a Muggle. She couldn't possibly get it. Imagine if she spread around about Mum and me—imagine if the neighborhood were to hear—"

"She's your sister, don't you think she would keep that a secret? And besides, it's not like anyone would believe her—"

"Doesn't matter whether she's my sister or not. It's like I said, I liked her all right, but she would probably act a lot different if she knew I was a wizard. Muggles don't know how to handle that stuff." At Lily's raised eyebrows, Severus went on. "And _don__'__t_ tell me about your parents, they're the exception, sure, but you know they don't really understand Hogwarts at all. Look at Petunia. That's usually what Muggles are like-"

"What are you afraid of, a witch hunt?" Lily joked.

"That's serious," Severus replied.

"Severus, where is this coming from? No one's going to come after your mum," Lily said firmly. "Have you been reading too many books for History of Magic?"

"_No,__"_ he shot back. "Just thinking."

Lily rolled her eyes and folded her arms. "Well, you sound a little like Lucius, and it's sort of annoying."

"I do?" Severus asked, and she couldn't interpret his tone. He almost sounded glad. "I mean… I'm just thinking, that's all. I mean, sure, I'm half Muggle but I don't really feel like that at all."

"How can you not feel like it? It's the truth. You don't have to speak about your father or ever see him, but you're half-Muggle," Lily said.

Severus shook his head. "I mean, I hardly saw him growing up. Mum basically raised me. So I feel like I'm really all-wizard."

It was possibly one of the most asinine things Lily had heard Severus say. He was half-Muggle, and so he _wasn__'__t_all-wizard! She had no idea where these ideologies were coming from, or why he was choosing now to spout them off. "Severus," she said, "your Mum married your father. And so, she obviously isn't against Muggles—"

Severus turned toward her, looking highly offended. "I have to find out exactly why she went for him," he told her hotly. "Personally, I think it was a mistake."

"But Severus," Lily pleaded, "you're half-Muggle. Whichever way you look at it, he's your father—"

"Ugh," Severus moaned angrily, crossing his arms again. "You just don't understand."

"Can we stop arguing about this?" Lily wanted to know, locking eyes with him. His gaze softened. "I don't know how it even got started, but I don't like it. I'm not trying to annoy you. I'm just _talking_ to you."

"You're not annoying me," he said instantly. "I don't want to talk about it anymore, either. I'll know more about what I mean when I talk to Mum. Then I'll explain it to you." He sighed, and shifted a bit. "God damn it," he said.

"What? Why are you cursing at me?" Lily snapped.

"I'm not," he said. "I just… Look away, all right?" Severus pushed himself up off the ground and walked around the tree. Lily instantly looked down, knowing from the experience of this happening many times over the years that he was fixing to have a pee. It was never a big deal. Lily had even tried to pee outside with him once, she remembered suddenly. They had been ten years old, and it hadn't gone very well for her. But now, it didn't seem like the old times. Lily recalled seeing Severus in this exact same spot last summer, wanking off. She'd seen his penis, more or less, but not up close. She had the sudden urge to peer around the tree, but she knew he'd react badly. At least, she figured he would.

She focused on the snowy ground, wrapping the blanket tighter around her chest as she listened to the familiar sounds of Severus unzipping his fly and urinating. Third year had been interesting so far. The Slug Club, growing closer to her fellow Gryffindor girls, standing up to Lucius, deepening her friendship with Remus, looking at porn with Severus, the talk of Occlumency, Hogsmede, these new ideas having to do with feminism… So much had changed, and Lily was voracious for even more changes. Cokeworth was boring, clearly too boring for her and Severus. She felt like it was swallowing them whole.

He was zipping up his trousers, and Lily's stomach felt like it was being dropped out of a five-story building. He headed back around the tree, pulling up his trousers a bit with one hand. "Bollocks," he said, "it's freezing!"

"Severus," she said before really thinking it all the way through, "your…er…your willy… Can I see it?"

A little crease appeared between his eyebrows. Lily felt her face get red. _What__ was __I__ thinking? __What__'__s __wrong __with __me?__ Am__ I __crazy?__ I __just__… __want __to __know, _she reasoned with herself. _And__ really ,__who __else __besides __Severus __would __I__ ask?_

"You… you really wanna?" he asked awkwardly, eying her suspiciously. "Why?"

"I don't know why!" she said, defensive, pulling the blanket around herself a bit tighter. It really _was_cold. "I just… you don't have to—I just…"

Severus looked down at the ground, shuffling his feet. Snow speckled his black hair and dotted his hooked nose. "Well… I mean… As long as you don't laugh," he said firmly, looking up to shoot her a gloomy stare.

Lily held up her hand. "I promise," she said softly, her heart racing.

"Right, so, just… I'll—" he fumbled impatiently with the front of his trousers, undoing the top button and pulling down the zipper to reveal black Y-fronts. Lily sucked in her breath. She'd seen it from afar, and she'd seen photographs, but never the real thing, close-up. Severus slowly tugged down his briefs, and readjusted himself with his hand. "It's really cold out," he told her, which she thought unnecessary since he'd said it before, but his tone was a bit urgent. He removed his hand.

Lily stared. There it was. Her best friend's member, so close she could reach out and touch it if she sat up. It was as curious as when she'd seen it last summer, like a strange apparatus that hung over his open trousers; the shaft was a sort-of pink colour and was nestled in dark hair. Severus was staring at her pleadingly, as though he'd come into this situation by mistake.

"Thank you," said Lily, and Severus zipped up his trousers and stood there, his mouth open as though he were about to speak but didn't know what to say. She half-expected him to take off running but instead, he sat back down beside her.

He was silent for a few moments, and then he cleared his throat. "Could I see your boobs?" he asked.

"What?" Lily said. It certainly wasn't what she'd been expecting, but she supposed she should have expected that she couldn't put him in a vulnerable position for nothing. And besides, she didn't feel as odd as she would have thought she would, hearing him ask that. Her face got red again but she nodded slowly.

"Really?" Severus burst out excitedly and Lily couldn't help but beam. So he found her attractive… Or at least just wanted to see her chest, which was definitely something to note. She wondered what Mary would say.

She took off the blanket and unbuttoned her coat, grabbing her jumper and pulling it over her head. "Too many layers," she said, shivering. She was slightly embarrassed but she wasn't going to stop now. She lifted up her shirt, revealing her breasts, hidden by her flowered bra, her nipples hardening instantly in the cold.

Severus watched her, unblinking, his dark eyes focused completely on her boobs. His gaze was strong and unapologetic, almost greedy. She wasn't sure whether or not she liked how she felt, but she liked the impression she was making on him. "Blimey," he said. "I've never seen real ones before." His cocky tone from earlier had been replaced with a tone of earnest enthusiasm. She thought of his porn, and wondered what she looked like to him.

"I'd never seen a penis," she said, "not really, anyway." She pulled her shirt down over her breasts again and put her clothes back on quickly. "_Brr,_" she said, her ears feeling like they were on fire, in harsh contrast to the cold air. She grabbed the blanket and wrapped it back around herself.

"Can I use that with you now?" asked Severus after a minute or so, as though he'd been working out exactly how to ask. Lily nodded, and he scooted in closer to her, wrapping the right side of the blanket around himself. They were sitting so close that their legs and hips were touching. Lily looked straight ahead, unaware of what to do next. She'd made things more complicated, but unlike last time with the hand-holding, she didn't care anymore. Severus was Severus. It was useful to have a boy for a best friend, she decided. She figured she was getting to be leaps and bounds ahead of her friends. By the time she had a boyfriend, she'd know a few things.

"You won't tell your friends about this, will you?" Severus asked, and Lily gaped at him.

"You can't read minds yet, can you?"

Severus squinted at her. "What? Why?"

"I was _just_ thinking about my friends," she said, "I thought maybe you'd went and learned how to read my mind and didn't tell me!"

He grinned. "I promised I'd tell you, remember?"

"Yeah, but people can break promises," Lily told him.

"Not to you, I wouldn't," he said. "Never."

"Come off it," Lily said, elbowing him in the side playfully.

"But really… Don't tell Mary MacDonald and don't have a laugh about me," Severus instructed her.

"Why would I laugh about you? Besides, I won't tell her anything. She gossips too much." _Besides,__ I__'__m __not __sure __I__ want __anyone __knowing,_ she thought. "And you can't tell anyone what I showed you."

He nodded, though he didn't look very focused. "Right," he said. "I wouldn't."

"LILY!"

Both Lily and Severus perked up. It sounded like someone was calling her from far off.

"Is that your dad?" Severus asked her.

Lily jumped up, feeling a bit like throwing up and like she was falling at the same time. "Oh no! Oh no! What time is it?"

"LILY!" Dad's voice rang out through the trees again. It sounded like he was near the bridge.

"I'm getting out of here," Severus said. "Will you see me tomorrow?"

Lily nodded. "Same time, all right?"

"Yes. I'll be here!" And with that, he took off through the trees. The shadows of the night enveloped him, and he was gone.


	11. Prince of Darkness

A/N: AAAAH. This is so, so late. My apologies. But… it should please you... HINT.

In this chapter, I'm presenting what I've thought to be a reasonable explanation for Snape's anti-Muggle views, as well as Eileen Prince's childhood background (specifically, why she chose to marry Tobias Snape, a Muggle). The important part of this chapter is not necessarily the way Eileen portrays these events, but the way thirteen year old Severus interprets what she says (he hears what he wants to hear—later, he'll learn what he missed).

I understand that Eileen's Advanced Potions book was from the 1940s-1950s, but I don't necessarily want her to be from that time. I believe the Prince family was very poor, and that the book was a hand-me-down or a used copy. I hope the history vibes well for everyone, even if you have different ideas. I re-wrote a lot, and re-worked it until it was what I wanted.

Stay with me. A LOT of build up for later chapters is happening. No, they won't stay in third year forever. But there's a lot I need to develop for fourth year, the plot of which is very tightly tied.

Also, warning for violence/gore/sexuality, particularly because (obviously) minors are involved. Yes, this fic is finally reaching the things that I've been warning you so far in advance for. Put your helmets on!

**FEEDBACK!****(PLEASE!) po**I see you there, adding alerts and favoriting! Let me know what you think!

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><p>Chapter Eleven: Prince of Darkness<p>

_Winter Break: Third Year_

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><p>"<em>Don't stop now what you're doing<em>

_what you're doing, my ugly one."_

-TORI AMOS

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><p>"I wasn't doing anything!" Lily protested as her father led her home. He was being silent, something that Lily detested in a tense moment. She'd rather him tell her off, but the only thing making noise was his boots in the snow. <em>Crunch.<em>_ Crunch.__ Crunch._ "I wasn't even gone very long. I just lost track of time!"

Father shot her a questioning glance, a sign she knew meant that he thought she was lying. Lily felt guilty under his gaze. She hated upsetting her father more than anyone else in her family. Her mother and Petunia let you know exactly what they were mad about, and they were easy enough to predict. But Father, with his kind and quiet way, was much more difficult to read. He opened the door to their house, and let Lily in first.

"So you found her!" Petunia said loudly from the living room. On her face was a look of odious triumph. "I told you she went out."

Lily glowered at her sister, feeling her face flush hot. "I wasn't doing anything bad! I only went out for awhile!"

Mother stood up from the couch and pointed at the clock on the wall. "Lily, it's half past ten—"

"And, you went out at a quarter to eight," Petunia interrupted her, sounding like a rather good imitation of an adult, her face glowing. "You've been out… _in __the __dark.__" _

"You mustn't do that, Lily. We were worried! What on earth were you doing?" Mother asked, her tone growing louder by the moment.

Lily shrugged, her flushed face growing hotter and hotter, spreading to her ears. "Playing," she said simply.

"Alone, or with that boy?" Petunia trilled, ecstatically scornful.

"Yes, Petunia seems to think you snuck out to meet up with your friend. Honestly, I simply can't have that—"

"I didn't sneak out to meet anyone," Lily lied, crossing her arms. She had the distinct feeling that she was probably brandishing a similar coloring as that of a lobster. "I went out by myself and I thought it was earlier—really! I just wanted to look at the snow!"

"How can you look at the snow when it's dark?" Petunia muttered under her breath.

Mother crossed the room and sat next to Petunia, patting her shoulder. "Let me handle this, all right, Tuney? Lily, I want to believe you… but if I find out otherwise, there will be severe consequences. It is fine for you to see Severus in our home, but I believe you both to be past the age where meeting up together in private is inappropriate, unless it is a reasonable time of day and you are in a public place. Severus is a smart boy, but he's had a rough upbringing—he's different from you, Lily."

"That has nothing to do with it," Lily said, shaking her head, her hair rolling back and forth like a crimson wave. "We're not—we just see each other to talk, and besides," she added quickly, "I didn't see him tonight—"

"Talking or not, if you are meeting with him in private, I think it's very inappropriate!" Mother said. "Robert?" She looked to their father for support, but he was silent.

"We're not _doing_ anything, though!" Lily argued loudly, and it was another lie. They'd just shown each other their body parts. But was that really so bad? It wasn't like anything _happened_.

"Mother, _believe_ me," Petunia said dramatically, "I saw him smoking cigarettes in the park today, and there were police. At least _my _friends don't get arrested!"

"Severus did _not_ get arrested!" Lily exclaimed.

"Well. _Almost_ arrested," said Petunia.

"I think everyone should get to bed," said Father coldly. "I've all ready lost almost three hours of work dealing with this, and I need to write up a budget plan for tomorrow yet." He headed toward his office, not even bidding them goodnight. Lily felt a great lot of shame welling up inside her, but she headed up the stairs after Petunia, who threw her a pleased expression.

While in the loo, Lily stared at herself in the mirror. Why was she lying? Was it worth it? Perhaps Mother was right. Maybe it was inappropriate to meet with Severus alone. After all, Lily had never gotten in much trouble and had always been extremely honest with her family. Until these past recent months, that was, and especially when Severus was involved. But that was sort of what made it exciting. Besides, Lily decided she was old enough to deal with whatever "inappropriate" meant. Who could blame her for being interested in seeing Severus without his trousers? How else could she learn anything? And who was Petunia to be ratting her out every moment she could? Lily was trying to be nice to her so far, and this was how her sister was repaying her! Lily spat toothpaste into the sink and, fuming, she stomped to Petunia's bedroom door and flung it open.

"You should always knock!" Petunia screeched, turning away from her vanity mirror.

Lily walked into the room and shut the door. "What's your problem?" she hissed. "We used to be best friends! I haven't done anything to you! I want to be your friend again, just let me—"

"How can we be friends when you act the way you do?" Petunia shot back, "I think you're being stupid. Why do you hang around that boy? You're lying for him, Lily! He _was__ smoking._ He gets worse and worse every time I see him—"

"His _name _is _Severus._Honestly, you've known him as long as I have!"

"I prefer not to use his name. I think it's an awful, weird name!" Petunia snapped. "You know, you used to be different, before your special powers and magic! You used to actually care about normal things!"

"I care about a lot of things!" Lily told her sister firmly.

But Petunia did not seem willing to back down. "You're so special," she mocked, "and everyone just finds you so pretty and—"

"Why are you jealous of me?" Lily asked loudly.

Petunia reddened. "I'm not jealous! I would hate to be like you!"

"Petunia, that's so mean—" Lily protested.

"It's not mean to like being normal! It's not mean to like fitting in!" Petunia warbled.

Lily felt tears welling up in her eyes. "I like who I am," she said, "and I hope that someday, you like me again, too! I don't know why you're being so mean to me! I'm trying to get to know you again—"

"How, by stealing my friends and doing better at everything? Shut up, Lily. Just shut up!" Petunia said quietly, and turned around to face the wall. She lowered her voice to a whisper, and said, "I hate you."

The tears came silently, and dripped down Lily's face as she left her sister's room, closing the door quietly behind her. She stayed up until the early hours of the morning with _The__ Feminine __Mystique_, and tried desperately to forget about her sister.

* * *

><p>"Is it still snowing?" called Mum from the kitchen as Severus shut the front door.<p>

Surprised at being spoken to, Severus rubbed his hands together and headed through the living room. "Yeah and bloody cold," he replied quietly, standing in the door jam between the parlour and dining room. He decided the house wasn't much warmer, and Mum seemed to feel the same way, as she was wearing both her robes and a winter scarf. She'd been wearing her robes at night lately, and he'd seen her concocting a potion that afternoon after Abbigale had left. He did not ask her what it was or her reasoning, he was merely happy that she was exercising her magical abilities. He dropped into the chair across from her. In front of her was a half empty glass of clear liquid, and also a small pewter cauldron that Severus had never seen her use.

At his questioning look, Mum said, "A warming draught. It's still got one minute of brewing time. A cup of this and we should be warm all night."

Severus nodded. "I've made one of those before in class, but I think mine was weaker. It only lasted two hours."

"Extra lining," Mum said, taking a sip from the glass. "It's the extra stomach lining from a bear that does it, and weight of the lining that adjusts the amount of time. For practice, your professor—" ("Slughorn," put in Severus)—" most likely did not want you to use up too many ingredients. Lining can get expensive, particularly when it's pre-pickled."

"Did you like potions?" Severus asked, blowing on his hands again.

Mum nodded. "Not as much as Divinations, but I liked it very well."

"I get to start Divinations next term," Severus said quickly. "With Professor Zabini. Why did you like it?"

"Teatra Zabini?" asked Mum, and Severus shrugged. "If so, I went to school with her. She was in Slytherin with me, but several years ahead. Smart girl. Mean girl. Very pretty." She put on a thin, sour smile. "I liked her about as much as I liked everyone else. And Divinations was my best subject. I was very proud of my readings. I had a forty five percent accuracy rate, and that is very high." Severus raised an eyebrow and his mum stared back at him. "It's not for everyone, and some think it is not a real type of magic. But those are usually the people who cannot even envision what they'll be eating for breakfast the next morning. I prefer the magic inside the mind. Those who don't possess intelligence can barely memorize any spells. If you are firm about what's inside your head, you're more confident as to what you can do. I personally have never quite had any respect for foolish wand-waving."

"I'm in a dueling club though," Severus burst out excitedly, amazed his mother was finally engaging him in a relevant conversation, "and I've learnt all kinds of useful spells. I don't think it's too foolish—"

"It isn't if you know what you are doing. And judging by your marks, I'm assuming you do," she said simply, finishing her drink. "Besides, with your affinity for Potions, I'll wager you have a good understanding of how important precision is. But I knew loads of dunderheads when I was at Hogwarts who scraped by ever so coolly by reciting charms and flicking their wands at each other with no real purpose."

Severus felt his face get hot and he lowered his gaze. So she _had_ been keeping up with his post. All this time, he'd thought his letters weren't being read. She checked her wristwatch and then used a ladle to dish up the warming draught. It tasted like fire, if fire could have a taste. Severus gulped it down and winced at the burning sensation in his throat. But that soon gave way to a very pleasant, hot feeling in his stomach. His mum drank too, and they were silent for some time.

"Did you know?" Severus finally asked quietly. "About Dad, I mean. That he was—"

"Going off behind my back? I knew," she replied, and Severus reckoned she sounded very composed. "I had no idea he had other children. Though I am not surprised. When I met him, he said he was running away from something. I was running away, too and I never asked him why. I simply assumed we were running from the same thing."

"What was that?" Severus asked, not believing his luck. At this rate, he wouldn't even have to ask her about her history. It sounded as though she was finally willing to talk to him.

She looked down, her brow furrowed. "I have not talked about it in years, though I suppose I have wanted you to know. So many things I have tried to forget…"

Severus tried not to look too eager, and he felt a great wave of disappointment. He needed the information and he needed it now! Meeting Abbigale and learning more about his Muggle father had made him desperate for another reality. He wanted to be no relation to Tobias. If he had no use for the Snape side of his heritage, he needed information about his mother's side.

"Well, all right," said Mum suddenly. "Then, I'd like to show you a few things." She disappeared for several minutes, and Severus waited, unsure of what to expect. The warming draught was almost too hot. He felt sweat pooling at the back of his neck, and his toes were so warm that his socks felt a bit like they were burning.

All of the changes taking place for him in such a short amount of time were overwhelming. After all, he'd just nearly gotten naked in front of Lily, and she'd pulled her top up for him to see her chest. He'd liked that a great deal. He figured he would like it very much if they continued to do things like that, though he wasn't sure how it would happen. He figured he could only ask her to show him her boobs so many times. He'd also like very much to ask her if she'd be his girlfriend though he didn't quite understand what that would mean, or if he even wanted her to be anything besides what she all ready was. He reckoned Abbigale had perceived him differently when he'd told her Lily was his. After all, Lily was dazzling. He'd like it a lot if everyone thought she was his girlfriend, particularly people at school like Remus Lupin and Belby. The big knobheads!

Mum returned clasping a box, and she sat next to Severus, which was the closest they had been in years. "I don't quite know where to begin," she said, and opened the lid of the box. Inside was a scattered assortment of photographs, letters, and other scraps of paper. There was a Polaroid on top of the pile that Severus realized was of his mum and dad. He'd never seen them smiling so much, together or apart. His dad had his arm around his mum's waist and he had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. His mum was wearing a black dress, and looked like she was playfully avoiding his father. He wondered how old they were. His mother looked about Abbigale's age, if that. Mum rifled through the box, and grabbed a large, black and white photograph. "This is me when I was a girl," she explained, "and your grandmother Fervia and grandfather Strattus on the Prince side. The little boy was my brother Lanxus."

Severus took it out of her hands and surveyed it. The photograph appeared to be taken outside an old house. There was long grass in the yard, and the mood was very bleak. The entire family wore the same expression: somber frowns. There was not much movement, but the grass was blowing softly and every once in awhile, Fervia would adjust her robes as if she were cold. Severus recognized his face in each one of theirs, particularly Lanxus, who looked just about Severus' own age. The entire lot was dark haired and pale, and on Severus' mum's face was an anxious look. "Where are they now?" Severus wanted to know, and his mother sighed.

"I have a lot of regrets," she said, "and sometimes I wonder if I ever should have left. But it was a very difficult house to live in, especially as I got older. Times were different. Blood purity was very important—it still is, but it is becoming more understandable to marry outside of strictly magical backgrounds. My parents, especially my father, felt that Mudbloods and Muggles were evil and ruthless, and they were convinced that Mudbloods were only in our world to steal our secrets and drive out all the pure witches and wizards. I'm not against letting Mudbloods practice magic, but I think there can be limitations… they cannot know everything there is to know, and they can't possibly understand growing up with magic. How could they? But my parents had their reasons. And it got worse when Lanxus died." She pulled out another photo, of herself and her brother. Lanxus' resemblance to Severus was a bit uncanny, and for a moment, Severus felt like he was staring at himself. Lanxus had the same long, limp hair and large, dark eyes. He looked more confident than Severus had ever felt, though, and Severus felt a bit of exhilaration well up inside of him. Lanxus wore a mischievous smile, showing a chipped front tooth. In this picture he was holding a toad by its hind leg and Mum, her hair in long braids, was posing seriously with a cauldron that appeared to be smoking. She noticed Severus' expression and said quietly, "Sometimes you remind me of him."

"What happened to him?" asked Severus, and there was a long pause.

His mum got up out of her chair and crossed to the freezer, pulling out the bottle of vodka and pouring herself a drink. It was then that Severus realized she might be a bit drunk because the bottle was considerably less full than it had been earlier that day. That would explain the excessive talking. Although this slightly frustrated Severus, he was thrilled she was finally telling him about his background, and with hardly any prodding from him, either! He was not in any mindset to complain. "My brother was fourteen when he died," Mum said finally, fingering the photo. She took a drink from her glass. "He was my best friend. He understood me when others did not. It was difficult, growing up away from other magical children. We were both in Slytherin and I suppose we should've made other friends, but we loved each other very much. Lanxus was bold when I was not, and I tried to help him be more careful. I don't know how much I succeeded there. He was very fond of showing off—he often got in trouble for performing more of the dark arts than showing how to _defend_ himself from them. But it was very useful. Still, he wound up at detention quite a bit at Hogwarts. He called himself the Dark Prince. I suppose we were both interested in the macabre." She smiled grimly, showing Severus another photo.

She and Lanxus were sitting in the shadows underneath a large tree. They were both so pale-faced and dark-haired that the whites of their eyes glowed eerily. "We used to experiment by putting spells on each other. Lanxus was particularly gifted with curses. We'd been brought up to hate Muggles so much that I lived in constant worry in our neighborhood. Lanxus and I used to hide up in trees and spit on the Muggle neighborhood children." Severus looked at his mother, amazed, mostly because she'd never spoken so much about herself as long as he'd known her. "Well, what do you expect?" she asked, misinterpreting his glance. He lowered his eyes to the table. "Our parents encouraged it. They kept to themselves. I think they were afraid of leaving the house, now that I look back on it. They used to send me and Lanxus out to gather up everything to make potions at home, everything we could find that we needed. We were very poor, see, and couldn't afford to get everything in the shops. We'd bring back plants, frogs, bird's eggs… It must have looked odd to the Muggles. We should have been more careful.

"One day," she went on, "we were far off from our house and we were collecting something… frogs, perhaps? Something living. Anyway, a few of the older Muggle children saw us and started calling us names. They were much older, much bigger. _Freaks.__ Weirdos._ I was ready to run away, but Lanxus stayed, so I stayed with him. I remember he said, _Eileen, __these __stupid __Muggles __will __pay._ I remember that. Anyway, the boys surrounded us, and kept yelling, kept laughing. One of them pulled me by my hair and called me a terrible name. Lanxus took out his wand and cursed the bloke. He fell. I remember telling my brother to stop—I didn't want him to be expelled from Hogwarts, it was where we went to get away from our parents… but he was so angry. The boys were scared at first, but it was six of them and two of us, and I didn't have my wand—" she focused on the floor, her voice getting quieter and quieter. Severus had to lean in to hear her. "They were angry—they knew what we were then, though they'd been guessing all along. They started pushing us around, and Lanxus kept trying to curse them, but they were too much and he was young—two of them grabbed me… They hurt me…" She trailed off. "I couldn't see what they were doing to my brother, but I could hear him, screaming. When they… When they finally left me alone, they told me never tell, never tell, or we'll tell the town your family's evil, that you're all working under the devil… I thought they meant what they'd done to me. But when I was able to get up, I crawled across to where I saw Lanxus' body. There was blood everywhere. They'd bashed in his skull."

Severus' eyes got big, and a chill went spiraling down his spine as he imagined how it must have looked, all that blood. "They _killed_ him?"

Mum nodded, fiddling with the stack of photographs in her hands.

"They killed him just because he was magic? Because you were magic, too?" Severus wanted to know, instantly feeling a spark of rage replacing his fear. He'd had a family member, an uncle, a _wizard,_ who he seemed to have a great lot of things in common with and he'd been murdered by a group of brainless, hateful Muggles. He'd read about similar situations in history texts he'd checked out from the Hogwarts library (Lily had been right about guessing where he'd gotten a lot of his information, but she didn't need to know). It suddenly made a great deal more sense that Lucius and the others in Severus' "friend" group (could he call them that?) had such painful reactions to Muggles and Mudbloods.

Mum nodded after a bit, running a hand nervously through her long, lank hair. "It's a dangerous world for witches and wizards." Severus' mind drifted off to his own childhood experiences: getting booted out of Muggle school, being made fun of on the playground, his lack of friendships that he decided was due to him being "different", his father's beatings that seemed to be based in wanting to slap the magic right out of his small, scrawny body… Mum went on. "I wish we were able to have a house somewhere where we could live freely, but I suppose it wasn't it the cards." She sneered. "I'm all too used to the Muggle world—too dependent on it. I can't imagine what my parents would think—they'd think me barmey for simply owning a television, let alone…" She trailed off thoughtfully. "I know you'll be wanting to know how I ended up with your Dad, after all that."

Severus nodded, rooted to his seat. The warming draught had eased into a pleasant feeling amount of heat that he still felt tingling in his stomach and limbs. "He said you thought he was magic, that's why you—"

"I _didn__'__t_ think," she interjected sharply, making Severus flinch. "I was a sixth year when Lanxus passed away. My dorm mates felt sorry for me and I didn't want their sympathy! They had all sorts of tips for me that in their opinion would make me feel better—they told me they could help me with finding new clothes and trade charms on hair styles. Ridiculous," she said bitterly, taking a sip of her drink. "Apparently they didn't find memorizing curses and playing Gobstones to be desirable pastimes. By the end of my time at Hogwarts, I felt like a ghost. My parents were completely ruined by my brother's death. No one spoke when I was at home. His death was my fault, and there will never be any way for me to make that right."

"But you couldn't do anything to stop it, right?" Severus asked tentatively.

His mother's gloomy face fell even more. "I should have tried harder," she said. "It was my fault, and there is no denying that. I'd be weak if I thought differently. Seventh year, I was up to my eyes in my studies. My dorm mates persisted with their silly ideas about how to make me feel better, and finally I agreed to go out with them on a weekend to London. At that point, my parents hardly wanted anything to do with me. Their only use for me was running to the market to do their errands and tending the house. I needed something… different." She drank again, and simpered. She was beginning to slur her speech a bit, and Severus felt his cheeks feel a bit hot with embarrassment. "While we were out, my dorm mates began to reveal their intentions for the weekend. It was a sort of… er… a prank. You don't need to know all the details, but I'll just say they put me up to things. Your father was there, in the—the restaurant. One of my roommates spoke to him and told me he was one of us, a wizard. She also said he'd had his eye on me. I didn't know how that felt. I was… Well, the state of mind I was in at that point—I was excited, really. Your father—he was not bad-looking, and I really hadn't ever… And…" She seemed incapable of finishing her thoughts. It was obvious she was attempting poorly to edit her story, perhaps to make it more palatable. Severus listened, gritting his teeth a bit. He still remembered bits of his father's own version, and this really was not sounding much better. "I became courageous—I approached him, and we struck up a conversation. My classmates watched, all the while knowing my ideas about blood status and how I'd been raised, knowing they'd set me up with a _Muggle._They were just doing it for a laugh, and when your father and I… left together, they tried to get me to stop, but I was having a good time. Soon enough, it was obvious what he was, and I had to tell him what _I_was. By that point, I was smitten. Love is sad," she said. "I learnt that fast but I loved him—he was different than anyone I'd met. I was very torn when I found he was a Muggle soon after. On one hand, I hated myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed. But it was too late because I felt I couldn't do without him, and then there was you," she told Severus, her voice suddenly strangely soft in comparison to the callous tones that she'd been using earlier. As always, it made Severus a bit uncomfortable. He averted his eyes, trying to piece together the very opaque picture she was painting for him.

The bits about Lanxus had at least been understandable, Severus decided— _our __family  
><em>

_broke __apart __because __Muggles __murdered __him, __and __Mum__ didn__'__t __know __what __to __do. __It__'__s__ almost __like__ the__ kids__ who__ wouldn__'__t __play __with__ me __but__ much, __much __worse.__ And __then __her__ friends __making__ a__ fool__ of__ her __and __tricking __her __into__ talking __to __Dad __when __they __knew__ how__ she __felt ! __I__'__d __have __cursed __the __lot __of __them! __Fuck __Tobias. __He__ should __have__ just __left __her __then,__and __then__ we__ could __have __been__ a __real __family. __None __of __this __rubbish __would __have __ever __happened._

He flexed his knuckles, recalling how Abbigale had joked that he'd been lucky to actually have a father, even if he was a bad one. _She__ was __okay, _Severus surmised quickly, _but __how __dare __she __even __say __that. __She __didn__'__t __know __what __happened. __How __could __she? __She __got __beat __by __him __too, __but __not __nearly __as __often. __Not __as __much. __I__ wonder __if __Tobias __even __beat __up__ on __her __mum__ like __he __does __mine! __Probably __not. __I__ don__'__t __really __feel__ sorry __for __her,__ after__ all.__ She__ stood__ up__ to__ him .__She __didn__'__t __have __to __go __through__ it __every__ day.__She __has__ no__ idea __how__ bad __he __really __is__—__none._

"Why don't you just curse him?" Severus asked suddenly, his knuckles white. "When he's mean?" His own boldness reminded him of Lily's, and it astonished him. All day, he'd been feeling decidedly cocky. He'd hardly ever wanted to talk back to his mother, but it was as if his tongue had a mind of its own.

His mother's softened gaze froze quickly back into a serious look of intensity, her dark brow thin and crumpled. "He'd be defenseless," she said.

Severus gave her a dark look, and folded his arms, unable to contain his bitterness at her answer. "But why?" he prodded. "After what he's done? After all the things he's done to you? Abbigale said-"

"I hardly wish to curse the man I love," said Mum back tartly, "even if he can be cruel."

"I just don't understand… Why'd you marry him? A Muggle?" Severus went on, frustrated.

His mum shook her head from side to side. "I found out he was a Muggle after I'd all ready gone too far… There are some things I cannot explain—things were decided on a whim, things were not planned for—and I wanted them… I wanted a different life than I'd had with my family, and if it took marrying a man who changed my beliefs, I was willing to take that chance. I needed a way out."

"But what about your parents?"

"They hardly noticed when I left," she said quietly. Something shifted in her eyes. "And there you have it. The momentous tale of your history." Her voice was sarcastic as she pushed the box of photos toward him. "If you need more information, feel free to look but I don't really need to answer any more of your questions. I think I've made myself clear enough."

Severus hunched over, his moment of bravery crumbling although he still had wanted very much to ask her a million things. He figured he'd best not breach the subject of Occlumency and Legilmency tonight. When his mother got up and walked unsteadily down the hallway toward the master bedroom, Severus felt seriously conflicted. He spent awhile poring over the photographs, particularly interested in Lanxus. He wondered what curses Lanxus and his mum knew, and also what Lanxus would have thought of him. _The__ Dark __Prince ,_he thought appreciatively, after recovering what appeared to be an old drawing Lanxus had done up. Severus imagined what would have happened if he'd had a different father, and if his mum would have been close with her family. He imagined them all getting along and how there would be no fighting and no yelling.

Despite the dark news he'd had that night, Severus was able to coax himself out of feeling miserable over his lost wizard family by imagining the shop he'd open with Lily, the one they'd dreamt up while in Hogsmede. It was something different, something nice to look forward to, especially with these new developments that were happening. He wondered how he could tell Lily about what he'd learned that evening without her telling him off for sounding like Lucius Malfoy, as she'd said earlier. He personally thought it was kind of _awesome_ to sound like Lucius. He'd striven for it for awhile; Lucius was so flawless and smooth both in appearance and opinion, whereas Severus felt rocky and confused, like a series of wavy lines and question marks. Still, Lily didn't like Lucius. Severus considered this with his tongue sticking out of his mouth thoughtfully.

Lily was smart though, and so Severus figured she'd have no trouble understanding why his family had a vendetta against Muggles and Mudbloods—she'd probably agree, or at least understand! All he had to do was find a way to talk to her about it that made sense. If anything, she'd most likely be impressed by what Severus had learned about his family. Severus wondered whether Lanxus and his mother had considered themselves dark. He _hoped_so. After all, that would be quite impressive. Plus, it would explain his mother's collection of books on curses.

He thought fleetingly about whether it was a bad thing that he thought Lily was pretty and wanted her to be his girlfriend despite her being a Mudblood. _No,_he decided, because Mulciber and Avery had said it was common to find Mudbloods attractive, and Lucius had even said as much. And Mum seemed to think that despite their superiority, that Mudbloods were capable of good enough magic as well. She'd certainly never objected much to Lily, or what little she'd known of her. He spent almost an hour reading old letters his mother had received from various people, and looking over her photographs, the grim faces of his Prince relatives staring out at him.

Severus finally fell asleep curled up on the couch, the box of photographs sitting on his lap. Minutes after he'd fallen asleep, an enormous black rat slowly crawled up the couch and sniffed the air, testing to see if the coast was clear. As soon as the creature had determined its presence would go unnoticed, it scurried across Severus' chest and made way for the kitchen.

* * *

><p>"So if my Mother and Father ask you," Lily was saying the next week, "you didn't see me tonight. I was at Clara's house." It was still extremely cold outside, but the snow had melted in certain places, creating big, green blotches across the clearing. It was the day before Christmas Eve, which meant absolutely nothing to Severus except that he was glad Lily had finally returned from one of her family's obnoxious excursions to visit friends in London. They'd hung out once briefly before Lily had left, and although Severus had begun to explain the information he'd learned about his family to Lily, she also had much to tell him. She'd been reading books that were apparently all about women and how there should be a choice for them to work instead of stay home which confused Severus because as far as he knew, his mother had no choice but to work<em>.<em>When he brought this up, Lily had seemed stumped as well, and the conversation had not gone very far. Severus couldn't help but feel that their chats had increasingly become stilted and difficult. Mostly, he couldn't stop thinking long enough about seeing her breasts and holding her hand that he had a lot of troubling contributing verbally.

Tonight was no exception. "Who is Clara?" he asked, from his place up on the branch of his favorite tree. Lily was sitting at the foot of the tree, staring up at him, padded up in a thick jumper that unfortunately hid her pleasant curves.

"Someone I made up," she said, grinning a bit devilishly. "I told you how bad they let me have it last week—"

"Won't they figure that out if they try and get in contact with you? You think they won't try and meet Clara? What'll you do then?" Severus asked, raising his wild eyebrows. He'd never known Lily to try and put anything past her parents.

"I'm only using her for tonight," Lily informed him, looking entirely pleased with herself. "She's a new friend, see? We met on the playground and she wanted me to come round for hot cocoa tonight—"

"Is this your way of trying to make trouble?" Severus asked dully, swinging down and dangling off the tree by his arms.

"You're going to fall and break your neck," she said, folding her arms and gazing up at him, a half-amused smile on her pretty face, "and no, I just don't want them to worry—"

"Stupid. Ask me next time before you lie. I can make up a better story for you," Severus grinned, and then lost his grip on the tree branch due to the slickness from the wet weather. He fell in a heap next to Lily who threw back her head and laughed. _So__ much __for __trying __to __show __off_. Severus glowered, wiping snow off the back of his trousers, and sat up straight. "Not funny. If you fell, I wouldn't laugh at you." He tried to hide his embarrassment, but he could feel how hot his face was, even in the cold.

"Yes, but _I_ wouldn't fall," Lily said, still laughing.

"If you did though, I wouldn't laugh," Severus repeated loudly, glaring. "Anyway, you can stop now. It isn't that funny."

Lily shrugged, giving him a dirty look. "I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings—"

"My feelings aren't hurt," Severus replied.

"Mary says hello," Lily said quickly, and Severus settled back against the trunk of the tree, happy she was changing the subject. "She's having holiday in Scotland—"

"Ugh," Severus said. "I hate her."

"Severus," Lily said warningly, "_stop_ it."

There was a thick silence. Severus fiddled with the buttons on his overcoat, figuring he probably wasn't being very helpful. But he _did_hate Mary, and he _didn__'__t_like that Lily had laughed at him when he fell. He wondered painfully if girls laughed at boys they fancied. The multitude of witches at school who claimed to be in love with Sirius Black only laughed at him when he was trying to be amusing. _Amusing._ _If __you __have__ a __shit __sense __of__ humor, __that __is, _thought Severus darkly. _Since __she__'__s __laughing __at__ me, __she __probably __thinks__ I__'__m__ just __a__ big __duffer._ When he came back to reality, Lily was staring at him questioningly.

"Hey," she said. "What are you thinking in there?" He was relieved to see a small smile claim her lips. It took all of his willpower to tear his eyes away from those lips; they were a pink blush color in the cold, contrasting deeply with her healthy ivory skin.

"Not too much," he trailed off, averting his gaze and shrugged to himself. "What are _you_ thinking?"

"That you can be kind of annoying," said Lily pointedly. "But I still like you."

"Oh, great," said Severus, rolling his eyes, but he grinned again. Lily settled back next to him and their arms grazed each other's. Severus swallowed hard, feeling his heart palpitating in his chest.

"Severus, remember when we used to play Azkaban Prison?" Lily asked suddenly, turning to face him.

He nodded and looked at her with his eyebrows raised. "You're not obsessed with Dementors again, are you?"

Lily stuck her tongue out at him. "No! I just…"

"Just what?" Severus asked, snorting. "I've told you a million times—you won't get taken to Azkaban. Even if you _are_ a bad liar."

"Sev-_er-_us!" Lily protested, punching his shoulder.

"Jesus Christ," he said, "you do that harder and harder ever time!"

Lily giggled. "Sorry," she replied, and patted the place she had hit. Severus' insides squirmed pleasantly. "I was going to say, I know it's stupid… but I miss doing things like that—"

"We're almost fourteen," said Severus matter-of-factly. "You can't be serious! You want to play make believe? Weirdo."

Lily sat up straighter. "I think it would be fun. Most of the snow's melted. It's not really dark yet. I think we should play hide-and-go-seek."

"And what does this have to do with Azkaban? Or should I even ask?" Severus inquired dryly. Hide-and-go-seek had usually been a very annoying game for him as a young child, because he was awfully good at hiding and mostly was forgotten by the neighborhood children because no one could ever find him. He figured that while playing one-on-one with Lily, that was unlikely to happen, but still… He looked up at the sky, where dark clouds were gathering. Being forgotten by her would be just his luck.

"Because..." Lily seemed to be thinking hard. "Because whoever's seeking is the Dementor—"

"You're a nutter," Severus laughed. "Besides, there's only two of us! It's going to be boring—"

"I want to _do _something! I miss how we used to play," Lily whined. Severus wanted to tell her that this was part of growing up, and that after all, he was feeling more like an adult than he ever had, but there was something about her desperation that stopped him from denying her further. Besides, he liked to make her happy and if it meant he had to play an idiotic game for an hour, he was willing. Maybe it would make up for him not dancing with her at Slughorn's party, which he knew had upset her. At least this wouldn't make him look like as much of an idiot. Slowly, he nodded.

"Good!" Lily exclaimed. "I'm hiding first! Count to one hundred!" With that, she jumped up and ran out of the clearing.

"Wait!" Severus yelled, springing up. Faint memories of how to play the game correctly suddenly popped into his mind. "Where are the boundaries? How long do I have to find you?"

"ONLY IN THE WOODS!" she yelled back, her voice echoing against the trees. "I'LL COME OUT IF YOU DON'T FIND ME FOR A LONG TIME!"

"Yes, but what's a long time?" Severus yelled, but there was no response. He was always too logical for games like this.

"I DON'T HEAR YOU COUNTING!" she shouted after several minutes.

"Shit," he muttered, "Eighty-nine, eighty-eight, eight-seven…" He paced back and forth, his boots making crunching sounds in the remaining bits of snow. Around fifty-five, he picked up a stick and brandished it like a wand, turning on his heel like he was advancing on an enemy in a dueling fight. At twenty, he started heading in the direction where Lily had last shouted from, vaguely aware that some would consider this cheating. But sometimes, in order to win, cheating was necessary. He'd heard her calling from the opposite side of the woods from the bridge, closer to Spinner's End. _Go __figure __she__'__d __make __it __hard __on __me, _he thought, scanning the trees and rocks. Everything looked the same, and all the movement he saw was either birds, or a figment of his imagination. Just as he'd expected, he was even more awful at finding people than hiding. At least when he hid, he was playing the game right!

Surprisingly for Severus, it wasn't long before he saw a trace of red hair peeking out from behind a rock. Ever so slowly, he advanced upon the large boulder, making certain to only step on grass so that his boots did not make any noise. She had leaned against the rock, her back facing him and only the very top of her head was visible. She obviously had no idea she had been spotted. Severus smiled to himself; if she wanted to fixate over Dementors and convicted murderers, he'd gladly aid in giving her a good scare. He stopped when he was one step away from the rock, holding his breath as to not give himself away. Lily was as still as the night—he had to admit she was quite good at the game, though she could have done better at ducking. Severus leaned himself over the rock and he could smell the scent of Lily's shampoo.

"Got you," he said quietly, touching the top of her head with the tips of his fingernails.

"AARRGHHH!" Lily screamed, jumping up and whipping around, her almond-shaped eyes wide and terrified. "SEVERUS!" she shouted, eyes darkening. Her mouth flickered between a smile and a frown. He went around the rock, his arms up in a shrugging gesture.

"You told me to be a Dementor," he said. "I guess it worked—you're paler than me, even, glad you didn't pee yourself—"

"That was HORRIBLE!" Lily exclaimed, shoving his shoulders.

"Oy," Severus said, shielding himself. "You like being scared—"

"ONLY when I want to be," she said hotly, and shoved him in the chest.

Severus grabbed her hands and held her, his entire body pulsing. "Stop being so violent," he smiled crookedly, "you wanted to be scared, I _know_ you did—"

"I'm not being violent! You deserve it! You berk," she said, struggling to pull out of his grasp. Her eyes flashed mischievously, and Severus was a bit apprehensive of what she had in store for him. "I don't care what I did," she said, and her voice was suddenly full of dramatic bravado, "I'm NOT going to Azkaban Prison!"

Severus gave her a look over and then sighed, loosening his grip on her hands. "You're kidding, right?"

"Kidding?" Lily said. "I killed ten people! Of course I'm not kidding. But you'll never make me go!"

"Ten people? This is so daft," Severus said, grimacing.

"You talk a lot for a Dementor," Lily said, and struggled to pull her hands out of his grasp.

"You're not even going to talk to me normally?" Severus went on, staring at her.

"Come on," said Lily quietly, "just for a little bit?"

Severus groaned. "I guess I do have to take you to Azkaban," he complied listlessly. "All those poor people that you…er_… __killed_." He sniggered, rolling his eyes. "Lily—are you kidding me? This is so stupid—" He shook her hands in his, hoping maybe he could shake some sense into her.

But then, Lily gasped spectacularly, and fell forward a bit, as though Severus had shaken her hard. "Please, _no!__" _she cried out, fake-falling into Severus' chest so that her head was pressed up against him.

_This __is __interesting,_Severus thought. He didn't recall their play ever being this intricate. Was Lily going for some sort of acting award? What was she doing? Severus' mind was taking him a thousand places, but they were all leading to the same result—Lily was closer to him than she'd been in ages, perhaps _ever ._His hands were still holding hers and she was pressed to him, her head level with his neck, rested in the crook below his left ear. Her hair felt soft on his neck. Her hands were clasped in his tightly, and she was pulling away only a bit, making it appear like she was trying to escape him. "What're you—" he began, and then stopped talking, realizing at once that this game was putting him in an extremely auspicious situation. Hadn't he been hoping for a way to get close to her? He cleared his throat. "Yes, you're going to have to come with me," he said in a low voice, still feeling self-conscious about his horrific skills at pretend play. He was even more aware of the fact that it felt like every possible drop of blood in his body was rushing down to his dick. He could feel his member swelling up quickly; this position he had Lily in—he could kiss her, he could hold her, _anything,_ they were _so _close.

"I don't want to," Lily said, shaking her head from side to side, and made to wrench out of his grasp again. Severus had no idea where she was going with this, or why she was doing it but he figured that this time, he would keep his mouth shut. Without really thinking clearly, Severus went along with her. He clenched her hands tightly, enough so that it was realistic, digging his nails into her wrists. Lily sucked in her breath, made a sound like moaning. Severus felt his erection shift, and his own breath caught in his throat.

_"__Azkaban__ Prison__ is __by__ our __tree,__"_ Lily whispered, looking up at him through her hair. It was as though they were nine years old again, except it was much more exciting. If this was playing, Severus could do it a lot more often. Every day, in fact. They used to get close back when they were little, but that was different. Now, Severus could think of hardly anything else besides touching her.

Severus took his cue, and wrapped his skinny arms around Lily's waist, hoisting her with him. He hadn't realized how much of a height difference there was between them until now. Lily dragged her feet in protest, but he could see her smiling.

"Let me go!" she said, trying to pull out of his grasp, but he held her tight.

Severus paused and winced: his fully-hard cock had slipped out through the slit in his Y-Fronts and was rubbing against the front of his jeans, the sensitive skin pushing against the harsh trouser material, creating loads of friction. He bit his lip, trying to figure out how to best approach this situation, while still holding onto Lily. He tried to ignore it, figuring a few moments worth of discomfort would be all right in the long run. Lily was picking up her feet, like a small toddler during a tantrum. Severus was amazed he was able to support her, even for the few seconds she was fully being held up by him. When they reached the tree, he pushed her lightly toward it and she faced him, her eyes narrowed.

"You can't have my soul!" she protested.

"But I want it," Severus said lamely—his dick felt a bit raw, a combination of how turned on he was getting and the unfortunate rubbing against his trouser zipper. "Time out," he said, and in haste to make the frustration go away, he didn't bother turning around. He simply stuck his hand in his trousers, pulled up his pants and re-adjusted himself quickly. His cock seemed to throb at his touch. He wanted nothing more than to wank himself off good and hard. He'd never felt so turned on due to an actual event; it was making him feel a bit vehement. He drew in a breath, hitching his trousers back up.

Lily's face softened as she broke character. "Is something wrong?" she wanted to know, watching the front of his trousers in interest. "Did you get hurt?"

He felt himself going scarlet. He shook his head. "Just fixing something," he replied and moved toward her again, hoping his pause in the game would not ruin everything. Lily seemed to be all right with the lag, because she immediately made a face of despair. He'd missed this side of her; she was turning him on, but she was also quite hilarious. Severus' face was just centimeters from hers once he advanced on her, unsure of what to do, unsure of how to go about it. He could imagine himself pressing his lips against hers, but that made sweat break out on the back of his neck. It was a terrifying thought. Instead, he held her against the tree, feeling uncomfortably awkward. Lily seemed at a loss for words as well, though she tried to twist out of his grip.

"Severus," she said suddenly. He immediately let her go, and stepped back a few paces, his sheet of long hair hiding his hot, red face.

Lily laughed nervously, which was uncharacteristic of her. "I'd better go home! But this was really fun!"

Severus stared at her, unblinkingly. _Really __fun? _he thought, and he strained to read her expression. She was smiling, looking no different than usual, and here he was, completely freaking out! _Damn__ her,__damn __her,__damn __her!_ He lowered his gaze again and nodded. "Sure," he said deeply, his ears turning bright pink. He could feel them burning as though they'd been set on fire.

"If I don't see you, happy Christmas!" she said cheerfully.

"When can I see you next, though?" Severus asked quickly without really thinking. He blushed harder, if that were possible.

"Soon, I hope," was her response. With that, she took off through the clearing. Severus watched her, running his hands through his hair and sighing. He hurried back to his own house to find it completely empty, which suited him better than fine. He slammed the door to his room, wrenched his trousers over his boner, pulled down his pants and began to quickly yank at himself. He could just imagine fucking Lily, though he still didn't quite understand how. Still, he had images—concrete now, Lily up against the tree, his fingers rubbing her through her robes like Lucius and Bellatrix, fingers completely inside her hole. He backed up onto the edge of his bed, jerking himself off with one hand and rubbing his balls with the other. He'd shove his dick in her then. A moan burst forth from his lips like a slow, deep croak.

He fingered the head of his cock, wincing at how great it felt, gritting his teeth. He couldn't stop imagining her, her mouth, her eyes—_her__ eyes, _the way she'd been watching him, those huge doe eyes stuck to him. In a moment of sudden inspiration, he grabbed his pillow, rolled to his side, and began to grind against it by holding it tightly against his privates. Severus emitted a series of low grunts and rolled up on his knees to straddle it, pushing his member down against the soft folds of the pillow.

"Lily," he found himself saying loudly, a guttural groan of contentment, "_Lily.__" _ He cursed loudly—it felt too good. A spurt of come shot out of the tip of his cock and he sighed, falling forward onto his pillow and wrapping his arms around it, hardly caring at all about the slop of wet stickiness below him that had made a sizable circle on his sheets. His heart was pounding in his chest and his breathing was fast and heavy. He sighed pleasurably, giving another satisfied grunt. Severus drifted quickly into a deep sleep, his arms wrapped around the pillow as though it was a lifesaver and he was afloat in a deep black sea.

* * *

><p>Lily was quite certain that she was becoming a different person. After all, she'd just used the phone booth on the way back to her house to phone her parents and pretend she was calling from "Clara's" house. She'd gushed over how much fun she'd been having, and said she would soon be on her way home. When she arrived home, she'd regaled her mother and father with a story of how pleasant her new friend had been. They'd done all kinds of <em>wonderful<em> things: made snowmen, baked lemon cookies… They'd even watched a Christmas special on television—a real perfect sort of family, in Lily's opinion. Mother and Father were all smiles over this. They liked when things were nice.

As soon as Lily was alone however, she'd flopped backward onto her bed and gazed up at the ceiling, her insides twisting. _I__ don__'__t __fancy __Severus, _she told herself, and she believed it. But so, why was it so much fun to do interesting things with him? Lily wasn't sure, and there was no one to ask. Absolutely no one in the world. After all, no one else liked him. They all thought she was crazy enough to want to be his friend. She thought about what they'd do if they'd seen what had gone on last week, what had gone on tonight. It was embarrassing to consider Mary seeing, or Belby, or even James Potter and Sirius Black. They thought such awful things about Severus that Lily wondered what they'd think of her if they knew she and Severus had been forging a strange bond since when they had very first met, actually. Whenever Lily thought back to early times with Severus, there was always that anomalous feeling of excitement and confusion. And no one knew. She'd told them nothing, except that they studied together and were acquainted. Were the things she'd told her family last year about Severus the truth? Did she feel sorry for him? And if she did, why did she instigate certain situations?

Lily hadn't really _meant_ to make tonight happen, but she was glad she had. She'd always liked how Severus acted when they played. He knew the type of scenarios that Lily liked. She had a sudden memory of one of their earliest games of Azkaban Prison, during which Severus knocked her backward and landed on top of her. And tonight, when he'd so carelessly moved his penis around—she liked that he was acting comfortable around her. It made her feel careless. She could imagine just how it looked now, too, larger and longer than she'd imagined it being up close, surrounded by the black pubic hair that encased it. Lily wondered what Mary would say. She'd probably scream. _Snivellus._ That stupid nickname. Lily gripped her comforter, her knuckles white, her face quickly turning a ruby red. She was mortified for him. But Lily had to hand it to Mary—Severus _was_unattractive. Even when Lily could find pleasant things about the way he looked, _likable_things, it was still a bit embarrassing that he was so unkempt, she decided. Funny. She never used to care so much about it. His acne was fading though, which was a definite plus. Still, he was no Wendell Perkins. Lily was caught between feeing bad that Snape was so physically unappealing and feeling bad that she was suddenly harshly judging her best friend. But tonight had given her enough evidence: it was more than physical when it came to Severus. And _was_it harsh, or was it just truth? Why did he have to be so difficult?

_Why __does __he __have __to __be __so __interesting?_ she thought, imagining the scene from just an hour ago: Severus basically lifting her off the ground as she pretended to struggle. She'd had to hide her face, because she'd been beaming the entire time. It had felt like a lot of fun. Where she'd wanted it to go and what she'd wanted, those were two things she did not know. It was an experiment, like asking to see his penis. So far, she'd been learning a lot this break. As he had grabbed her, pulled her to his waist, she'd felt his member against her bottom, rubbing her through her jeans. At first she'd thought he had something in his coat. She wondered what it had meant—an _erection ,_she thought she remembered hearing somewhere.

She wondered what it would be like, to make out with Severus. She sort of liked his weird teeth and big nose, despite the fact that they were not ideal characteristics for how she thought a boy should be. He'd told her over the pornographic magazine that he _knew__ things,_ but maybe he was just lying to sound big? Still, he'd seen actual sex, and his bookish confidence in the way he spoke was appealing. If she and Severus could play like they had tonight all the time, she wouldn't complain. She'd had a pleasant sort of feeling in her privates that entire evening.

And when she went to change into her pajama bottoms, she noticed that in inside of her pants was very wet. Bright red, Lily went to bed, trying not to think about his sneer, his quiet and sardonic voice, or the way he disappeared behind his long hair when he was feeling self-conscious. Lily _couldn__'__t _have a crush on Snape, because Snape would not ever know how to deal with it. That much was certain. She could just imagine him glaring at her if he found out. Still, he'd wanted to see her boobs, and he'd seemed keen on getting back together soon.

Maybe Mary was right. Maybe Severus _did_ like her.

And truth be told, Lily did not know whether that would be such a bad thing anymore.

* * *

><p>AN: Please review.<p> 


	12. Teenage Flesh

A/N: Happy holidays to all who want it, no matter what or how you celebrate. This was supposed to be out Christmas day, so I apologize. I really don't celebrate Christmas, but I usually exchange gifts. This year, I worked at one of my jobs with my teenage clients—let's just say it was the most colorful Christmas I've had in ages. Thanks for reading! This one is unapologetically long. I wrote it/ thought of it ages ago, and I've been waiting eagerly to post it. Please give me feedback! Your reviews make it all the more worthwhile. I also appreciate the edits. I will get to them, and I do care about them, I promise. I just have limited internet time, so when I get time to post, I don't necessarily have time to edit everything I want. Still- I will- soon.

Also, a little shout out to my real life buddies Rar and Sammy. They let me test my ideas out on them. I am very lucky to have friends who encourage me to read them passages aloud about Severus Snape wanking.

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><p>Chapter Twelve: Teenage Flesh<p>

_January to June of Third Year_

* * *

><p>"<em>Broken sundown, fatherless showdown <em>

_Gun hip swollen lip bottle sip. Yeah, I suck dick. _

_Lose grip on gravity falls. Sky blinding crumbling walls _

_River, sweep away my memories of children's things, a young mother's love_

_Before the yearning song of flesh on flesh _

_Young hearts burst open wounds bleed fresh_

_A young brother skinny and tall _

_My older walks oceanward and somber, slumber sleeping _

_Flowers in the water, But I'm just his daughter _

_Walking down an icy grave leading to my schizophrenic father. _

_Weeping willow won't you wallow louder ? _

_Searching for my father's power."_

-Cocorosie

* * *

><p>For the very first time in years, Severus would have enjoyed staying in Cokeworth past break. He'd been having the best time with Lily since they were little. Something had happened to rekindle their bond—he just didn't know what. Lily seemed, for the first time in awhile, to be just as keen on seeing him as he was on seeing her. He didn't very well care though, as long as it continued. They'd met up two more times that week before school term begun, and had played variations of Azkaban Prison. It wasn't much different from the first time, beginning with Severus searching for her (his heart pumping in his chest), and then his capture of her, then ending with the struggle back to their tree in the clearing. They always stopped it just as she was going to get her soul taken away, and then Severus would have to relieve himself as soon as he got home. Each time he grabbed her, he'd instantly get hard, feeling himself rub the back of her through her jeans and coat. Afterward, both times, they flopped down in the snow side by side and said nothing. He'd been wondering whether he should ask Lily if this meant they were together, but she seemed so tranquil about all of it that he did not want to look like a bumbling idiot. He also did not want the interactions to stop. Instead, he relished the time they were spending together.<p>

He had not seen much of Mum although she'd showed up for half of Christmas day with take out Chinese and, to Severus' delight, an old book on Occlumency. She did not say anything about the subject, but Severus highly appreciated that she'd accurately interpreted his needs. The church brought their usual donation, and Severus got some trousers that actually fit him decently. He and Mum smoked a cigarette each in the front yard. She constantly had a full drink in her hand. Afterward, she'd passed out and Severus had run to Lily's but after peering through the front window, he'd seen that the entire family was still awake, sitting together and chatting happily. Severus had ducked down and waited for awhile, hoping to catch Lily on her own. He'd pop up momentarily, and finally, he saw Lily passing the window. Quietly, he tapped three times. Lily turned to look, a grin forming on her face. She threw back a glance to the parlor, where the television was on. She called something out to her family, and opened the front door, ducking down onto the porch, face to face with Severus.

"Happy Christmas, Sev," she whispered brightly. "Why are you out here?"

"I wanted to see you," he replied just as quietly, "Er… you know, to say, well, Happy Christmas. How was it?" He couldn't care any less about Christmas but he was willing to pretend for her. He'd hardly remembered it was Christmas!

"Brilliant," Lily beamed. As she talked about the day she'd had, Severus eyes traveled down her body. She was wearing green silk pajamas that really brought out her eyes. "Severus!" she said. "Severus? How was your Christmas?"

He snapped to attention. "It was all right. Better now that I'm seeing you!" Lily's face turned bright red, and Severus blanched. _Why am I being so stupid? _"I got a book on Occlumency," he said quickly, hoping desperately for a smooth recovery. "I started reading it—it's great, you have to basically analyze all your memories and rank them… It's really interesting, you have to know which memories are more private, and which are more susceptible to people getting in—"

Inside Lily's house, her mother called for her. "Sorry," she said quickly. "I'd better go. I want to hear more about your book, though—Happy Christmas," she said again. She looked around and then gave Severus a tight hug, wrapping her arms around his neck. He sat there, wide-eyed, not knowing what to do. She jumped up, waved and ran inside. Severus grinned and settled back against the Evans house, in a bit of a stupor.

The rest of break was quiet. Mum was around sometimes, but not enough for them to talk. The entire house had begun to smell like refuse and flies buzzed around loudly. At one point, Severus figured he'd better take a shower, but he found that the faucets weren't working. He wore the same clothes until the end of break, with no way of washing himself or what he was wearing.

But now it was time to return to Hogwarts, and this time, Severus got a ride with Lily and Mr. Evans. Severus sat in the backseat with Atticus and Poe, who hooted pleasantly at each other through their cages. He couldn't help but notice that Lily's father kept looking at him through the rearview mirror. Severus could not interpret the expression on Mr. Evan's face—it was a curious sort of look, a searching look. Severus made sure to keep his face very unreadable as he stared straight ahead, his black eyes wide and his mouth a thin, vertical line. Mr. Evans wished them good luck at school, hugged Lily tightly and gave Severus a hesitant handshake.

"LILY!" Mary screamed excitedly once Severus and Lily had boarded the train. "Oh, hi, _Severus," _she continued scornfully, looking at him quickly before rushing out of her compartment to give Lily a huge hug, and nearly knocking Severus aside in the process. Severus sneered at Mary deeply, folding his arms over his chest. Mary was becoming more and more like exactly the sort of person Severus found to be despicable. She was so loud and grating; everything about her was flashy and overdone. Even her hair seemed too big—she'd gotten a new style over break. Behind Mary, Severus was displeased to see his other least favorite people all sitting together in the compartment: Black, Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew. Lupin immediately averted his eyes but the other three broke up laughing. "Lily," Mary was saying, "you _have _to come sit with us! I have ever so much to TELL YOU!"

Severus cringed, wanting very much to perform the _Langlok _on her and never take it off.

"Hi Snivellus!" called out Black, giving a jolly wave. Severus was irritated to hear that Black had suddenly gained a deep, mature voice seemingly out of nowhere. Severus had had to _work _for his. He was unclear how Black had developed it so quickly; they'd only been gone two weeks! Life was unfair. "Did you get a new coffin for Christmas?" Potter and Pettigrew hooted with giggles.

Severus narrowed his eyes. "Huh? What in the hell do you mean?"

"Sirius," Lupin said quietly, sounding young with his high voice in comparison to the other two boys. He looked up for a fleeting moment at Severus, "I told you not to joke about that. It's not funny." Severus glowered at him meanly and he quickly looked away.

Black stretched out on the seat, one leg over the other. He tossed his chin length hair out of his eyes. "I don't have a stake, but I'll drive my wand into your heart if I have to," he called. "Sorry, Moony," he added as an afterthought.

"What?" Severus asked, scowling. "What are you trying to say? What's a Moony?"

"Boy, you're thick," Sirius laughed. Severus patted his robes for his wand. He was ready if he had to be.

Lily was looking into the compartment. "Leave him alone," she informed Sirius.

"Aw," he groaned. "How'd you even hear me?" He looked back at Severus. "You're lucky you have Evans, you know—"

"You didn't have to tell him that," Severus informed her instantly, his ears going pink. To Sirius, he announced: "I don't need her speaking up for me—"

"Seems like you do," said Sirius lazily.

"I know you don't _need _me," Lily said, patting his shoulder. His stomach convulsed nervously. "I want to help!"

Severus didn't have much to say to this. He knew it was true, but it was slightly embarrassing to have her jumping in, particularly in front of the four Gryffindor boys. He shrugged at her awkwardly. She obviously didn't get it.

"Come _on._ I just _have _to tell you the news!" Mary linked arms with Lily.

"What could you possibly have to say that's newsworthy?" Severus asked coldly, slightly perturbed at Mary's physical closeness to Lily. After all, he was Lily's best _male _friend and he didn't get to go around linking arms with her, though he'd very much like to. He knew it was silly that he was suddenly jealous of Mary for this, but he frowned callously at her anyway.

"James and I are _dating_," Mary said loudly, ignoring Severus' glare. As if this wasn't bad enough, Mary waved into the compartment and Potter grinned, nodding at her. He ran his hand through his hair and rumpled it up, so that it looked like he'd just gotten out of bed- _idiot_. Severus made what he hoped was a very hideous face. He caught Lily's eyes, and he could tell she was trying not to laugh. It was possibly the worst couple Severus had ever heard of in his life. _Gossipy Mary MacDonald and Bighead James Potter_. Severus felt like throwing up.

To Severus horror, though, Lily grinned. "Well, I have to hear all about it!" she exclaimed, and then turned to look at him. "Severus—are you coming? You can if you want to—"

"NO!" Mary screamed. "He can't, are you mad? He's _sooo _mean to James!"

"Potter is meaner to me! But I don't want to sit in there anyway. I wouldn't if you paid me a trillion Galleons," Severus snarled, and unfortunately, it was Lily who looked hurt.

"I doubt that," yelled Black. "If you had that much money, you might be able to afford better clothes—"

"Shut up," Lily snapped, before Severus could say anything. "You have no reason to speak to him like that, so just leave him alone!"

Potter nudged Black. "You'd better listen to her. She can be rather scary!" He and Mary laughed.

"I told you, Ican defend myself!" Severus hissed in Lily's direction.

"Severus," she said pleasantly, but a bit too loudly, "I know you can! But sometimes you take too long, and get too emotional. Besides, I'm happy doing it. I'll see you later, okay?" The Gryffindor boys roared with laughter ("EMOTIONAL!" shouted James). With that, she and Mary walked into the compartment, Mary sliding it shut with a snap.

Severus stared into the compartment for a few seconds and fumed, before swooping off down the aisle, his robes flying out behind him. _Too emotional, _he thought acrimoniously. _Too emotional? It isn't like I start crying every time I have issues with Potter and Black! I do fine defending myself! I don't need Lily to help me out—she should be impressed by me, but she's not! She thinks I'm EMOTIONAL! _

"Ah, it's Snape! All right, Snape?"

Severus snapped out of his furious mental tirade and looked up to see Mulciber, Avery and Rosier. He'd never been happier in their presence; at least this gave the impression that he had people to hang out with. He gave them all a formal nod and they led him to the back of the train, where some of the Slytherins had joined up in a compartment. Lucius and Narcissa were there, and they both greeted Severus pleasantly. Regulus tried to give Severus a hug, but Severus shoved him away. Lucius bought every sweet off the trolley to share with everyone, and Severus watched as he fed Narcissa a chocolate cauldron, dotting the tip of his finger with saliva and brushing a bit of chocolate off the corner of her mouth before giving her a slow and careful kiss. As Mulciber and Avery argued over who had received the best racing broom for Christmas and Rain Zabini looked over Regulus' Charms essay, Severus stared openly at the couple, desperately trying to pick up some tips. Rather than being annoyed like usual, he liked the way that Lucius held Narcissa's head between his hands when they spoke to each other, and he watched as Lucius drew circles on Narcissa's thigh as she whispered to him.

"Way to be a pervert, Snape," said Rosier into Severus' ear. He jumped slightly and glared at her.

"I'm _not _a pervert," he told her stuffily, his eyes flicking back to Lucius and Narcissa, who were holding hands.

"Right," said Rosier, "and I'm a Mudblood Hufflepuff who loves Herbology." She clicked her tongue. "You shouldn't watch people so obviously. If you're going to do it, you should try to be a bit more sneaky—"

"I'm not watching anyone," Severus said, wrenching his eyes away from the couple, scanning Rosier's bronze face. She looked amused, which irritated him greatly.

"I'm just trying to help you," Rosier said, sniffing. "You smell sort of off. You should probably have a bath straight away at school! Otherwise I am _not _ever going to be around you!"

Severus was about to say something rude regarding the fact that this wouldn't affect him much, but Mulciber leaned in. "Snape, I haven't been able to tell you! I found out over break that I've made the Slytherin team! I start next year, and I'm going to be Parkinson's replacement!"

There was a murmur of excitement amongst the Slytherins. According to those who attended the Quidditch games (everyone but Severus, apparently), Potter's existence on the Gryffindor team had played an enormous role in Slytherin losing its last couple of games. Potter had proven himself even more skilled as a chaser than a seeker, and recently made a permanent switch in positions. Gurpreet Patil, a fifth year, had taken over as seeker, and this had made Gryffindor positively undefeatable. Being that Slytherin had won the Quidditch cup for the past three years, this was vastly annoying for those who had any house pride, let alone those who followed the sport.

"Good," Severus found himself saying, though he hardly liked stroking Vincent Mulciber's sky-high ego. "I hope you knock Potter of his broom and he breaks his neck." Narcissa raised her silver eyebrows at him.

Mulciber grinned. "I do quite look forward to beating him."

"That little show off," huffed Lucius dramatically, rolling his eyes. "Kill him, Mulciber. The Potters are all scum—blood traitors and show-offs. My mother went to school with Potter's father. She told me he had a funny habit of turning every conversation into an opportunity to be complimented by anyone and everyone around him. I suppose the dragon hasn't hatched too far from the nest."

Severus laughed along with the rest of them, delighted that his friends agreed with his opinion of James. He could just _imagine _James' father, the one James was always quoting in class who was, in James' mind, a sort of spokesman for why Gryffindor was the best house at Hogwarts. Potter's father had, of course, also been a Quidditch champion. Severus had overheard Potter once mention to Black in Potions that his father liked competition so much, it was "almost scary". And Severus suddenly recalled he had seen a glimpse of James' father twice at King's Cross Station. The memories were fuzzy, but he remembered that both times, the man was wearing a Gryffindor-themed tie, which Severus had thought decidedly unfortunate at the time. _You wouldn't see a Slytherin years out of Hogwarts wearing a bloody themed tie,_ Severus thought. _You just_ _wouldn't. _

Lucius arranged a time to practice dueling for the next week, and Narcissa commented she'd like to attend. Rosier seemed overjoyed at this, and so did Mulciber (for different reasons, Severus figured). Everyone exchanged tidbits on what they'd been up to that break. The only thing that really tore Severus' interest away from Narcissa and Lucius' cuddle session was Regulus, who told a heated account of a fight that had happened at his house over break. Up until this point, Regulus' information on Sirius was always inconsequential and tedious (_"He likes really boring cereal and sometimes he doesn't make his bed for weeks!"_). But this was gold.

"Mother got super angry at my brother," said Regulus, smiling. "She called him all sorts of names—"

"Like what?" asked Severus hungrily, instantly sitting up and focusing on the slight boy with a newfound interest. "What sorts of names?"

"She called him an outcast, and an idiot. And she said she'd be happier if he wasn't born!" announced Regulus happily. Everyone broke out laughing. Severus' eye twitched, a nasty smile twisting on his lips. _Sirius Black had a bad break, _he thought, overjoyed. _Brilliant! _"And… this is the best part… he hardly got any presents. They gave them all to me and my cousins. And Mother said if he wanted to be treated like a member of the family, he had better act like one. He spent most of the break in his room until he went and visited _Potter_." Regulus said the name "Potter" so sneeringly that Severus was tempted to applaud. Regulus was learning well.

The two weeks of hanging out with Lily had made Severus' memory of his Slytherin housemates quite poor, but he was suddenly feeling more at home than he had with them for quite awhile. _This is shaping up to be the best year yet._

* * *

><p>"We asked each other out by owl mail!" Mary yelled, waving her arms around. Lily and the boys all broke up laughing.<p>

"Obviously, she's not happy at all," Sirius quipped, slapping James on the shoulder. They all broke up giggling again, James wiping tears out of his eyes from laughing so hard. He smiled at Lily, his hazel eyes lacking their usual mischievous glint for the time being. Lily was a bit relieved by the light-hearted interactions of her Gryffindor fellows. She had enjoyed her time with Severus more than she had in years but his snippy nature and negative outlook on life could get a bit draining. Plus, there was the whole business of whether he had a crush on her or she had a crush on him, or both. That was tiring in itself. The last couple of times Lily had spent with Severus had made her so perplexed, she'd felt a little sick. She wondered if it was normal for a crush to make you ill—her heart pounded while they'd played hide-and-go-seek each time, but her stomach also felt like it was going to hop out of her mouth.

"We like the same Quidditch team," James said, "the Vultures—"

Sirius and Lily happened to make eyes. Obviously, he also recalled when Mary had claimed her favorite was the Hollyhead Harpees to appeal herself to him. Lily made a mental note to tell Mary to be more careful in the future. James and Mary babbled on about how they'd met up over the end of break, and Mary's expression was so overly enthusiastic that Lily knew she was dying to fill her in on more details than she'd reveal in mixed company. Remus admitted he'd been loaded down with late homework over the break (he'd had to write a longer essay to make up for the one that had gotten mysteriously damaged), Peter mentioned that he'd only seen his mother since his other relatives had left the country on a trip, and Sirius, who when asked what he'd done, instantly frowned thoughtfully and had little to say. Lily mentioned visiting London with her family and was certain to leave out the best parts about playing with Severus. However, Mary brought Severus up, to Lily's dismay.

"Did you smell him?" she asked loudly, and Peter, Sirius and James cracked up. "It was like he hadn't showered in ages!"

Lily reddened. The worst part was, she actually _had _smelled him, on the way to the station. It wasn't too awful a smell—it was just like a strong body odor. But still, it was quite embarrassing that Mary had noticed. Lily felt even more horrified, given the way she was started to feel about Severus; all the things they'd been doing together.

"Told you!" James said, and Lily felt like slapping him. "He doesn't wash properly. You'd think at least Malfoy would teach him how to!"

Lily slipped farther and farther down the seat, her stomach sinking. Now _no one _could find out about how she was feeling. No one.

When they arrived at Hogwarts, Lily wanted at once to slip away and find Severus to tell him how Mary had lied about her favorite Quidditch team to ensnare Potter (it was the sort of gossip that Severus subconsciously thrived upon). But when she found him in the Great Hall, he was surrounded by every possible awful person in Hogwarts. Malfoy, Mulciber, Avery, Rosier and Regulus Black were hanging around him like cursed necklace. Instantly repelled, Lily opted to go to her dorm where she caught up with Muruvi and Scarlet. As Lily had guessed, Mary had a lot more to say when it was only the girls. She filled in details about how _cute _she thought Potter's jokes were, and how utterly kind he was, what good manners, great taste in comic books, and besides, she said, "Now I can hang around Sirius more." Lily wanted to bang her head against the wall, but refrained.

Mary seemed to sense Lily's feelings and rolled her eyes. "You _would _be concerned, Lily," she said. "Don't worry. I'm not doing this to get with Sirius—I just like how those two act together. They're hilarious. But especially James. He has a more…" She thought for the right word. "…_Subtle_ sense of humor." She said it as if she were describing a type of fine wine, not a teenage boy's way of kidding around. Still, she seemed sincere in her newest crush. At dinner that night, it was almost uncanny how Mary and James had so quickly morphed into a couple. They bickered loudly, held hands under the table, and shared a piece of cake together. Mary talked loudly for everyone to hear about how many points James had earned Gryffindor at his last six matches, while he grinned proudly. Lily really had to hand it to Mary—she was talentedin the world of relationships. Lily didn't even know where to get started. Across the Great Hall, Lily caught Severus' eye. He stuck his tongue out, and she laughed.

Later that night, Lily was sitting against her bed reading while Mary was painting her toenails in the middle of the floor.

"Mary," said Lily after some thought, setting down her book. "I think I read about this awhile back but… When a bloke's penis gets all hard, isn't that called an erection?"

Mary, who had been blowing on her toes loudly, let out the air like a deflating balloon. "Cauldron bottoms, Lily!" she hooted delightedly, making Lily flush, "Yes!" Her eyes grew wide. "Did you give a boy an _erection?"_

"Mary! Keep your voice down!" Lily warned, but it was too late. Scarlet poked her head out of her canopy and Muruvi followed suit.

"_An erection?" _whispered Muruvi shyly. "Isn't that when you know they want to have sex with you? That's what my sister says—"

"I don't know," Lily replied quickly, blushing deeper.

"No, my mother says an erection is just when a boy feels happy," said Scarlet.

Mary fell backwards, cracking up with laughter and kicking her bed. "HAPPY!" she screamed. "I'LL SAY!" Once she'd calmed down (after everyone had told her loudly to shut up), she cleared her throat and crossed her legs, going into guru-mode. "An erection definitely means they want to have sex with you, or else they're just going bonkers thinking about having sex. Sometimes you can see it in their trousers if they've got an erection; it's harder with robes though. But I try looking all the time, anyway, it's hilarious. So Lily, what's this all about? What happened? Is this about that boy in your neighborhood? The one whose willy you saw?"

"You saw a real, actual penis?" burst out Scarlet. "What was it like?"

"Well, before I saw it from far away," said Lily carefully, "but this break, he showed me up close." Mary screamed with excitement. "And then we were hanging out, and he sort of… Well, he picked me up and I felt _it _on me—"

Mary screamed delightedly and clapped her hands. The others looked a bit uncomfortable, and Lily wondered what they were thinking about her. She almost wished she hadn't brought it up, but she needed this—it was useful, if not annoying and humiliating.

"You need to find that boy and give him a good shag!" Mary instructed. Apparently, she'd been getting more vulgar since the last time Lily had seen her. Lily felt the redness in her cheeks spreading to her entire body, a wave of mortified heat searing off her. "James and I haven't even _snogged _yet! He's very proper. He said he wants to do everything right because I'm his first girlfriend. I tried to hold his hand and it was very sweaty. I want to give him an erection now!" she announced. "Lily, who _is _that neighbor boy?"

"Just a Muggle," Lily said, shrinking back into her canopy.

"What did his willy look like?" asked Muruvi boldly. Lily never thought she'd hear those words come out of _her _mouth.

"It was… sort of long and pink. There was lots of hair around it. And some weird thing hanging below," said Lily.

"His balls," Mary offered quickly. "Those were his balls."

The girls all giggled. Mary eyed Lily narrowly. "Are you going to finally say how big it was? _Come _on, Lily—you've got to, now you've seen it close, you _have _to say—"

Lily grimaced, her face pink, and then held up her hands to demonstrate the length, as though she'd just come back from catching a fish. "About this," she said, with a small, embarrassed smile.

Scarlet and Mary hooted; Muruvi turned purple.

"Blimey!" Mary said. "Is he cute? What does he look like?"

"Blue eyes," Lily found herself saying quickly. "Blue eyes and light hair. Nice smile."

"Dishy," said Mary. "You _have _to shag him. He's shown you his willy. He gets erections around you. He's basically _asking _for a good frigging. Next break, you'd better well do it. Or I'm coming with you and I'm going to force him on top of you, Lily!"

Lily threw her pillow at Mary's head. "Then you'll never come back with me to my house!"

"I take it back," said Mary seriously, "but I really, _really _want you two to get together. It would make me so very happy! So, when can I meet him?"

* * *

><p>"<em>Nooo," <em>Severus moaned, sticking the tip of his wand into the teacup in front of him, swirling around the tea water slowly. "Show me _something,_" he pleaded out loud.

Peter Pettigrew laughed, along with several other people around them.

"Honestly! Quit yelling. Do you want everyone to look over here?" Mary said, looking self-conscious. It was the fifth day of Divinations, and Severus was afraid that perhaps he was one of those people his mother had described, the ones who were dependent upon "foolish wand-waving". He'd never be able to live with himself if that was the case. Not to mention that he'd been paired up with MacDonald _and _Pettigrew, of all the bad luck. The only saving grace was that Peter was way worse off than Severus was at Divinations, which mostly seemed to be because he couldn't think for himself in general. . Severus realized he hadn't spent much time with Pettigrew until now, and he was beginning to wish it had stayed that way. Pettigrew was stupider than Severus had previously guessed. He had a nervous habit of bursting into squeaky laughter at very inappropriate times, and his eyes were constantly darting around, as though he was afraid someone was keeping watch on him. He dropped teacups, sprayed saliva on his set of tarot cards, and sighed in despair when he got an answer wrong—which was every other second. Mary, despite her obnoxious nature, was far better in comparison though Severus figured she was simply _slowly _driving him mad.

"Quit laughing at me," Severus snarled at Pettigrew, which only made the chubby boy giggle harder, little tears forming in his blue eyes.

"S-sorry," he kept saying in between giggles, "I really c-can't help it—"

"He really can't," affirmed Mary, using her textbook to interpret the rose that had formed in her tea leaves. "Oh blimey! True love is on my horizon!" she shouted, pressing her hand to her heart, and tried desperately to make eyes with Potter, but he was in the middle of an intense looking argument with Rosier and Longbottom (_"Stop predicting that Frank's going to die, Rosier! It's getting annoying!" _Potter was clearly heard saying).

Professor Zabini, hearing Mary's declaration, sashayed over to give her opinion. Zabini _was_ pretty, like Snape's mum had said. She had the appearance of a gazelle, with high, plucked eyebrows, dark skin and high cheekbones, and thin legs that seemed to go on forever. She was possibly the prettiest teacher Severus had had, but she was wholly intimidating. She blinked her long eyelashes and stared over Mary's shoulder, alternating between looking at her tea leaves and her notes. "Your work is formidable, MacDonald," said Zabini in her low, icy voice, "but your execution is entirely backwards. I'm wondering… I'm wondering if you possibly are fixated on this idea of romance, yes?"

Mary frowned. Severus could not hold back a snort. All of Mary's predictions had to do with love, marriage, and having tons of children—_fixated _was an understatement.

"And you!" hissed Zabini, "Snape! Get that wand out of your cup—you're completely ruining your chances of seeing!" He bolted upright to attention. She flashed a spell at his cup, replacing the water, and leant over him to sprinkle in more tea leaves. She smelled like spicy perfume, and dozens of solid gold bangles clanged on her arms. Severus prayed he wouldn't get an erection in front of someone who specialized in 'seeing what was hidden'. Zabini pulled away, towering over him, her hands on her hips. "Look," she commanded.

Severus strained his eyes, as he heard Pettigrew giggling next to him. It still looked like a great lot of mushy brown stuff. Why couldn't he see? He wanted to be great at this class, at least to prove to his mum that he could do it. "I'm trying!" he said frantically, breathing hard.

Mary rolled her eyes.

"Trying is not doing, Snape," Professor Zabini said, a hint of empathy in her tone. "Look here." She pointed a long-nailed finger at the top of his mass of leaves. He squinted.

"Is it…" He tilted his head to the side, his curtain of hair falling in front of his face. He grabbed his book and flipped it hysterically, trying to find the answer.

Mary sighed, and leaned in, no doubt pretending to be helpful to look more favorable in the eyes of the professor. "It's a crescent moon!" she announced loudly. "That's bad, right?" Severus couldn't help but think she sounded a bit gleeful. He ran his finger across the page of tea leaf possibilities until he found the crescent moon. She was right—now that he saw what he was looking for, they looked similar.

Zabini crossed her arms. "Your obsession with bad and good is not suitable for improvement in Divinations, MacDonald." Mary turned pink. "A true seer does not these judgments. The crescent moon is much like death in a set of tarot, Snape. It does not mean _literal _death, but a change, a sort of… how do you say it? A deviation from your own normality? It could mean excitement, it could mean a small change. But something will be happening soon in your life that will be different. Keep trying," she encouraged, and walked on to Lily's table, where it looked like there was a spat going on between her and Mulciber.

Severus leaned in to listen, but it was happening too far away. He wondered if the crescent moon was simply announcing the change that had already occurred—his sister, his mother's revelations, playing with Lily and getting to touch her… _Or maybe, _Severus thought, watching Lily intently and licking his dry lips, _it means something between me and Lily is going to change—maybe it means we are going to get closer! _He felt his insides do a flip.

Lily turned away from Professor Zabini and looked straight at him, apparently sensing his stare. Severus looked at his nails.

"Aww,"said Pettigrew miserably. "I got the Grim." He leaned back in his chair and fell over. To top it off, he burst into wild, nervous laughter. Severus held his head in his hands and groaned loudly. Mary sighed.

* * *

><p>"I cannot believe that Mulciber!" Lily declared that night after supper. "Did you hear him today?" She and Severus had agreed to meet up to work on their Divinations homework, being that they were both worried they didn't quite have the knack for it they'd hoped for.<p>

Severus looked up from their books, where they had been attempting to interpret his personality based on his day and time of birth. Since he didn't know the time, he was estimating, which Lily told him was already a step in the wrong direction. "No… What's he done?" he asked, hoping it wasn't anything too horrible. He didn't need it too be anymore awkward between his house mates and Lily. It was already bad enough that he and Lily were spending so much time together and he couldn't tell anyone he lived with, no matter how much he wanted to brag to the others about getting to be so close to such a beautiful girl.

"Oh, he was just awful. He kept looking into my tea cup, saying that he couldn't see anything—the water was too muddy," Lily said hotly, her eyes flashing.

"Uh… So?" Severus asked slowly, looking back at his book. "MacDonald kept hoping that horrible things would happen to me—"

"No," Lily interrupted. "_Muddy, _Sev. He was calling me a Mudblood."

Severus snorted. _Seriously? _"You're being too sensitive," he commented. "Clearly what he was saying was—"

"Right, and then he predicted that all Muggle-born students were going to come down with a horrible illness and he said I'd be first," Lily went on, the pace of her voice quickening. "Am I being too sensitive now?"

Severus put his quill down. "No. But why didn't you just tell him to piss off? Why is it bothering you so much?"

"Because I know it's a horrible thing to say to someone! I used to not care as much because I hadn't grown up magical, you know? But calling someone Mudblood… well, I see it now, it's a bad insult—"

"Did he call you it exactly?" Severus asked. "In those words?"

"Well, no," Lily replied, "but he didn't have to—that was what he meant!"

Severus looked back at his book. "So, he didn't call you a Mudblood."

"Sev-_er-_us!" Lily exclaimed, and she actually kicked him under the table. He made a face at her.

"Damn it! That hurt!"

"Good!" Lily said loudly. "I hope it did! You're not listening—"

"I'm listening all right. I just don't think it's such a big deal," Severus replied.

"You're not Muggle-born, though," Lily snorted. "I know your mother says it, Severus, but it's not a nice word—it just isn't. I don't see why you hang around him. He's a little off, Sev. Definitely not good news."

"I don't really hang around him," Severus lied, "I room with him. That's all." If Lily was unsatisfied with that answer, she did not say.

Instead she yawned and excused herself to bed, leaving Severus with many questions and many unsaid words.

* * *

><p>"You're going to come to my Quidditch game, right, Evans? You don't have a study date with Snivelly?" Potter teased, poking Lily with his quill. She glared at him and scooted further down the red velvet couch. The common room was bustling with many students studying, joking, talking and practicing spells.<p>

Mary shoved Potter's shoulder. "Shut it, James. Lily doesn't _date _Snivellus. She's too good for that. She's got… _other _people to date." She leaned across James and waggled her dark eyebrows. James' eyes widened.

"Shut it yourself, Mary," said Lily lightly, but looked down at her book worriedly, her insides tightening. She should have known better to bring up the erection subject, because now it was all Mary wanted to talk about. _Erection this, erection that. _According to Mary, nearly every boy at Hogwarts was concealing an erection beneath his robes and she'd ask Lily loudly to estimate how big his penis was. This was bad enough, but it also brought up a whole other problem: If Lily thought her friends hated Snape before, she _really _knew they hated him now. _"Oh good, Lily," _Alice had said after Mary blabbed the news of Lily's "neighborhood boy", _"I'm glad you're hanging out with other boys besides Snape—he's so mean, I was worried for you." _And Mary made millions of jokes about "letting Snivellus down easily", to which Lily would tell her that Snape didn't even fancy her. This situation was quickly weaving a large web of confusion and lies. And all the while, Lily longed for more alone time with Severus to try and sort out all of the uncertainty in her head. But it had only added more pressure.

They'd been studying Divinations together. Severus was less miserable than she was, but he was still laughably bad. They had started out studiously, as usual, but at this point they were coming up with horrible ways for themselves to die. Severus had become rather guilty though and was back to trying with all his might to make accurate predictions. Other than this, they'd begun to have Astronomy class together on Friday nights. It had been too cold to stay out very long but Professor Lovegood had said that by spring, the weather would be great enough to be able to lie out on the Astronomy Tower roof and have extended class periods. Thankfully, Severus had started smelling the same as usual—not so rank, though there was still a sort of musky odor that hung about him.

They'd had several dueling practices, but they had been _actual _dueling practices. Severus had become quite good, and he was teaching Lily an awful lot of his spells. Disappointingly though, they'd moved past the stage where Severus was touching Lily to help her. Now they mostly just cursed each other into oblivion. Lily had made Severus promise he wouldn't go easy on her, and he'd complied. Lily figured that was partly because he wanted to show off, judging by his crooked smirk every time he "won" a duel.

"I suppose I'll come to your stupid Quidditch game," Lily told Potter, looking back at her book, "but only because I know Mary will hex me if I don't."

"Who're you dating?" James asked, and Lily blushed.

"Nobody," she said quickly.

Mary put her arm around James. "A really good-looking neighbor she has."

"Oh," said James, and Lily could see him watching her out of the corner of her eye. "Well, cheers, Evans. It's about time you gave Snivellus the slip. Especially in favor of a _good-looking _bloke—"

"Would you just shut your foul mouth, Potter?" Lily snarled, her voice getting higher. She closed her book, and left the room.

* * *

><p>Potter had all ready turned his lovebird into a locket, and McGonagall had awarded Gryffindor <em>ten sodding points. <em>_"Well done, Potter," _she'd said, giving him her rare smile. Severus was only doing better than one person, and that was Peter Pettigrew. This would absolutely not do! Severus wanted house points! Severus wanted McGonagall to praise him! But most of all, he hated that Lily had told Lupin he'd done a nice job. Not to mention, _she'd_ turned her lovebird to a locket and then right back again, like it was nothing! Severus felt absolutely on the verge on insanity.

"HURRAH!" shouted Pettigrew, hurting Severus' ear. "I DID IT!" The entire class turned around, all looking entirely bewildered. McGonagall dropped her wand. "Yay!" said Pettigrew stupidly, swinging the locket around his head.

Severus was suddenly full of seething hatred for the dumb, chattering lovebird that sat in front of him. _"Intestiplodus!" _he snarled without really thinking, pointing his wand at the bird. There was a pop as the lovebird's intestines wrenched out of its skin, and popped out like a piñata, going up several meters into the air and then landing on the floor between McGonagall's feet.

"Oh damn," he said darkly. The class erupted in screams of horror and several people burst into tears, which he thought was getting carried away. After all, it was only a _magical _lovebird. It was going to disappear by the end of class anyway. Still, he hadn't really meant to react that way. Potter and Black were staring at him from across the aisle, disgusted. _"I'm so cool," _mocked Sirius loudly, _"I know dark magic!" _

"Severus Snape," said McGonagall firmly, waving her wand so that the bird was once again connected with the rest of its body. It chattered happily in front of Severus as though nothing had happened to it. "I'd like it very much if you could see me after class."

Severus paled, and nodded.

Class seemed to drag on after that, and when the bell tolled, Severus bowed his head and waited as the other students filed out. Someone slapped something on his back. Severus groped for it—it was a piece of parchment that said simply _I AM A FREAK. _Severus ripped it up.

As soon as the classroom had cleared out, McGonagall walked over and took a seat in front of Severus, crossing one leg over the other and folding her arms. He tried to interpret her expression. She didn't look happy, but then again, when did she? "I expect you know why I kept you," she said quietly, peering at him through her thick glasses.

Severus shrugged, feeling small. He picked up his quill and brushed the feather-end slowly from side to side over the table. McGonagall snatched the quill out of his hands and held it down on the table, forcing Severus to look up at her through his hair. "I didn't mean to do that," he said softly, shaking his hair from side to side.

"It isn't really the fact that you didn't mean to, Snape. It is the fact that you _knew _

the spell in the first place, and that you went to it first in a time of desperation. Where did you learn that spell, Snape?"

"I learnt it from Lucius Malfoy," Severus said," but I'd never used it before." This was all a lie, of course. Severus had read it in one of the old curse books he'd gotten from his mum, and he'd practiced it on a few rabbits he'd found while walking around the Forbidden Forest the Christmas he'd stayed in for break. He figured this was all right because no one would miss them anyway. Plus, it was sort of neat to see them explode.

McGonagall seemed to be thinking. "Lucius Malfoy, you said?" Severus nodded. He figured that whatever trouble Lucius got into, if any, he could handle it. "You do understand what that spell implies, Snape?"

Severus replied that no, he did not.

"Although it is somewhat useful to familiar oneself with the Dark Arts, Hogwarts is not an institution where it is appropriate to go and test out dark curses—'

"I didn't know it was a dark curse," Severus lied—

"And you figured it would be appropriate to blast a bird into pieces, Snape?"

Severus shrunk down again, averting his eyes. "I didn't really think, I guess…"

McGonagall tapped her nail on the table, apparently thinking. "This er… This rivalry has got to come to an end, Snape."

"Rivalry? I don't know what you mean—"

"You, Pettigrew, Potter, Black, Lupin" said McGonagall pointedly. "I see the way you react when Potter does something right. It only makes you perform worse, Snape. Jealousy is extremely unsightly—you are a good student, very ambitious—"

"I'm not jealous," Severus put in quickly, not hearing the praise. "I'm not jealous of _him, _of all people. I just… he's always… I don't…"

In a moment of softness that Severus had not witnessed before, McGonagall patted his arm. He flinched slightly, and she stopped instantly. "Snape, I was once a student too. I am not so old that I have forgotten the sheer direness of being a teenager."

"Okay," Severus said shortly, not believing her at all. And besides, he wasn't feeling like this because he was a _teenager, _this was how he felt about Potter and it was how he would always feel!

"Take my advice, Snape. Practice harder, study, read. You are intelligent—you merely get caught up in class and don't perform as well as I know you can. And for Godric's sake—" she gave a thin smile—"Do _not _repeat spells you hear from Lucius Malfoy!"

* * *

><p>"<em>Amazing," <em>congratulated Mulciber that night. "You scared everyone to pieces with that spell! Sonya Blackhart wouldn't stop sobbing. Apparently she's a great bird lover—"

"Yeah, Snape, well done!" Avery cheered. "Even Rosier got upset!"

"No I didn't," said Rosier, and flicked Avery in the ear. "I liked it. It just caught me by surprise! Did McGonagall get you in big trouble?" she wanted to know.

Severus was grinning crookedly. This was improving his day greatly. "Yes," he lied instantly, "she said she was afraid of me learning all that dark magic. She reckons I'm trying to become a…" He lowered his voice. "A _dark _wizard."

Rosier, Mulciber and Avery all sneered at each other and then broke up laughing. Severus felt his heart drop. "A dark wizard?" Rosier shouted in her nasly voice. "YOU?" They all laughed hysterically.

"Why not? We duel together—you've seen me!" Severus shouted back, balling up his fists. They were supposed to be his _friends! _Weren't they? The portraits on the common room walls began to swing rapidly from side to side.

A few first years shrieked, but the older students just stared at Severus, annoyed (_"So dramatic," _said a prefect).

"Get back to us when you're a real dark wizard," said Rosier stuffily, and hooked arms with the two other boys. "_Snivellus." _Mulciber and Avery looked over their shoulders, shrugging, but they said nothing.

And being that Lucius Malfoy was not about, nobody corrected Rosier's usage of Snape's awful nickname. _This is turning out to be a horrible year._

* * *

><p>"Snivellus reckons he's becoming a dark wizard. Rosier told me," Muruvi whispered during study hall as Binns floated past, looking over their shoulders. Lily's ears perked up, though she still pretended to look like she was copying out notes.<p>

"After the bird incident, I'd say he's well on his way," Scarlet said out of the side of her mouth.

Lily kept her head down, and made sure to talk without her mouth moving. She and Severus had perfected the art of talking in class, after being bored out of their skulls together in first year Herbology. "That bird thing was hardly dark magic. Right?"

Mary piped in loudly: "You still talk to Rosier, Murvui! Ugh! She's disgusting!" Binns floated over and Mary instantly put her head down until he'd left. "Anyway, I know it wasn't a real bird, but you have to admit it was pretty creepy of him to react that way," Mary said out of the side of her mouth. "He's a freak, Lily. You're not supposed to use magic like that!"

"What if it had been a real bird?" Scarlet asked.

"It wasn't though," Lily remarked. "It was a magical bird, and therefore, no damage was done. He's not a dark wizard, he just likes scary things. And I like scary things, too. So am I dark?" she challenged.

"Who's a dark wizard?" asked James, leaning his head into Mary's.

"Snivellus?" piped in Sirius, popping up between Lily and Muruvi from the floor where he'd dropped his quill set. "My brother said he knows all kinds of cool spells. And cool to Regulus means creepy."

"You're _so _not a dark wizard, Lily," Mary said loudly, and James nudged her to be quiet. "You're not," she whispered.

Lily shrugged. "I think all of you are a bunch of scardies."

* * *

><p>Severus had no idea why he'd ever thought that Mulciber, Avery and Rosier were his friends. He felt incredibly stupid for it, but he'd never admit that to anyone. They still came to dueling practice, but it was obvious now that they were more enamored with the idea of spending time with Lucius, Narcissa, and (even!) Regulus than Severus. To Severus' chagrin, Regulus was sort of becoming <em>popular. <em>He'd been offered a place on the Quidditch team, and so he and Mulciber would chatter endlessly about the subject and often challenged each other on the pitch. Waves of Slytherin students came out to watch. Severus was no exception, but _he _went to make fun of them, and he always brought a book along to prove he wasn't interested.

The snow had long since melted, and Severus hadn't even considered the fact that Lucius would soon be leaving Hogwarts forever until he got a large envelope on a March morning at breakfast. It was royal blue with lots of loopy cursive. When Severus opened it up, it announced Lucius' coming graduation in June and invited Severus to attend a sort of birthday and graduation combination party at the manor. Severus set it down, and stared at Lucius, who was sitting right next to him. "Why the hell couldn't you have just handed me this in person?" Severus wanted to know.

Lucius chuckled and patted his shoulder. "You'll come, won't you?"

"I had no idea you'd be going," Severus said miserably, eying Mulciber, Avery and Rosier who were chattering excitedly over their invites. "I mean… I'm not stupid, I knew you were—but I didn't… Well, I forgot. That's all."

"We'll still be best friends though. I'll be sure to visit you," Lucius said, and Severus brightened considerably. _Best friends, _he thought hopefully. "And you're welcome at the manor whenever you please, no matter what Hagawthe thinks. My parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told them I want Hagawthe to stay where he's at. They thought I was joking, but I wasn't."

"I'll be there either way," said Severus, but he was all ready thinking forebodingly about how things would be once Lucius was graduated. Would his Slytherin dorm mates treat him the same? He didn't know what he'd do if things changed. He was feeling miserable enough as it was. It seemed every day, someone slapped something on his back or made a foul comment about him. Today, he'd gotten a parchment put on him with spellotape that said HEX ME and Sirius Black had told everyone that he did not ever shower. This was not the truth. Sometimes he forgot to shower, but he always made up for it! It was just that showering and taking baths was not at the forefront of his mind— Mum had always trusted him enough that he could take care of himself and shower whenever he needed to! He'd gotten in two dueling fights with Potter and Black, both of them ending with him looking like an idiot. When Lily asked him about them, he'd lied hugely, being that he was awfully humiliated.

Lily. The upside to life lately had been Astronomy lessons because _sometimes, _Lily would choose to sit next to him to watch the stars. She'd make little jokes and he'd poke her with his quill. Each time, he heavily considered holding her hand, weighing out his options and the pros and cons until the lesson was over. Most of the time he felt so excited, he thought he'd burst. Then some nights, she'd sit next to Alice and her Gryffindor dorm mates, and he'd watch her intently as she threw back her hair and giggled sweetly at whatever silly thing they were talking about. Severus knew she was going through the motions; she was better than those giggly girls. They'd make eye contact and she'd flash him a smile. Those were the best moments. That _smile. _

He'd given up on asking her whether or not they were going together, because he figured if he messed this up, he'd nothing to look forward to.

* * *

><p>Lily's performance this year in her studies had skyrocketed upward, if that was possible. Though she'd most always gotten Outstandings, now she was being recommended for all sorts of extra work. She'd been asked to be a professor's aide in Muggle Studies next year by Professor Cardamom Wronkers, Professor Flitwick had whispered squeakily that she'd been given "top honors" in his class that year, and Slughorn, as usual, was loudly singing her praises. Slughorn had appointed her to help him with his end of the year party, which mostly consisted of the two of them filling the dungeons with colorful decorations and chatting together before the event.<p>

"Have you considered being a Potions Master, Lily?" asked Slughorn, flicking his wand at a thousand balloons, making them float about the air. "You'd be quite keen!"

"Yes," nodded Lily cheerfully, beaming at the praise. "I actually want to open an Apothecary, along with a book shop. Severus and I both want to—"

"Oh ho! It's curious you two have wielded such a strong bond," said Slughorn, twirling his mustache, his expression darkening as though he were worried about something. "He's a lucky boy for that! He's very intelligent, but he's a bit of a recluse, is our Snape!"

"He's not a big fan of people," Lily admitted, her face turning red, as it had lately when anyone had mentioned Severus. It seemed as though people were disliking him more than ever. It really wasn't doing Lily any favors to have to constantly defend him. She was afraid people were going to begin to suspect things.

Slughorn laughed, his great stomach shaking and his mustache flapping. "You have a kind way with words, Miss Evans! A very kind way! I won't give up on our boy Snape just yet, though I must say his social skills are quite lacking. Though, we can't all be blessed with social graces… Poor boy. Still, he _is _keen. I've never had a student whose responses to my homework are so on the dot. Very precise, he is. Do you think he's bound to go far?" There was a change to Slughorn's expression. It was an expectant and curious look, as though he were a very large cat ready to pounce.

Lily gave Slughorn a funny look. "Sure," she said. "He's _very _smart. He makes his own spells. And he's very serious about school, even more than me sometimes. We both want to invent new potions. I think if we own an Apothecary, he'll be really good. After all, then I can do most of the talking."

Slughorn laughed again, making Lily flush. Adults didn't ever understand serious statements, she decided, and went to work putting out the many éclairs the professor had ordered.

* * *

><p>"Hey big nose!" called out Sirius Black, trailing Snape out of the front entrance of the castle.<p>

"Snivellus!" Peter squeaked, panting a bit, "slow down! We're talking to ya!"

"That's why I'm not stopping, stupid!" Severus threw over his shoulder.

"Word has it you've learned all kinds of new tricks!" Sirius continued. "Come on! Let's see them! Think you're special? Think you're neat? A real dark wizard now, are you?"

"Oy, he hasn't done anything, so leave him be!" Lupin said, catching up to the boys, Potter by his side.

"Hush, Remus—I wanna see this!" James said, grabbing Remus' shoulder. "Mulciber's spread it around that Snivs has all kinds of curses now. Thinks he's dark. Even the Slytherins think he's a big joke! Apparently Malfoy's been training him up—we have to know what the enemy is plotting!"

"Don't be stupid," said Lupin, though he was following all of the boys down the path toward the Greenhouses. "Snape's not the enemy, he's just sort of—"

"Just what?" snapped Severus, and he turned around, his teeth bared. "You're one to talk, Lupin. What are those dark circles under your eyes about? I saw you sleeping in class. I'd take away points from Gryffindor if I were the professor and saw you like that, and I see you going to the hospital wing all the time, what are you, sick?"

Lupin looked from side to side. "That's nothing—"

"Ha!" Snape said, eyes wide, manically picking up on Lupin's discomfort. "There's something going on with you, and I'll find out!"

"There's nothing wrong with me!" Lupin said desperately.

"Shut _up,_ you nutter,_" _said Potter, sounding extremely irritated.

But Severus looked delirious. "Don't get me started on _you, _Potter! You're lazy! You only care about Quidditch and you're only fair at that—"

"Don't care what you think," James said with a shrug. "Your opinion means nothing to me, really. _Expelliarmus!"_

Snape's wand flew out of his hand and the three boys howled with laughter. Remus folded his arms, watching passively from behind James.

Severus looked at each boy in turn, panting wildly. There was no way for him to get at his wand—Sirius had picked it up and was twirling it around. "Give it back," said Severus desperately.

"Like I would!" Sirius laughed. "Take back what you said about Remus _and _about James! Remus isn't sick, and James is the best at Quidditch. And you know it!"

"There IS something up with Lupin, though!" Severus shouted, hopping up and down in morbid exhilaration. His eye twitched slightly. "Potter even said so! Potter admitted it! I tricked him into admitting it! I watch out for Lupin—he's always coming out of the nurse's, he's sick! HE'S SICK!"

"YOU'RE SICK!" Sirius imitated in Snape's deep, excited voice, jumping up and down as well. The boys all laughed, save for Lupin, who smiled slightly.

Severus went to grab for his wand and Sirius shoved him backward. Severus fell back hard on his bottom and scowled. He felt wet mud seeping in through his trousers.

"_Sirius," _said Lupin warningly, but did nothing.

But Sirius went on. "You're pathetic, really. The only person in this entire school who can stand you is Evans, and she doesn't even like you that much, she only feels sorry for you—"

Severus scowled, his hands shaking at his sides. "You don't know ANYTHING ABOUT LILY! THAT ISN'T TRUE!"

"Sure, it is," Black grinned, and Severus searched his brain for something, anything…

"You think I'm afraid of you, Black?" Severus said, suddenly hit with inspiration. Why hadn't he thought to say all of this before? He pushed himself off the ground and grabbed for his wand again. Black backed up, holding his wand away. "Your brother talks, you know. He says all the stupid things you do at home."

"Shut up, Snivellus," Black said, and to Severus' delight, he saw something change in Black's eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you do," said Severus, grinning widely. Through his curtain of black hair, his black eyes glittered through narrow slits and his crooked teeth gleamed in the spring sun. "You know what I mean. Last Christmas." He made a move toward Black again, and grabbed for the wand, and this time, he snatched it back. Potter took waved his wand at Severus threateningly, but none of them did anything. The air was quiet. They were waiting.

"Last Christmas _what?" _Sirius snapped, standing his ground. "If you have something to say, spit it out, you crazy little snake."

Severus smiled, as though he were about to recount a fond memory. He folded his arms and lowered his voice, advancing forward on the boys, his cloak billowing behind him. He was whispering, but he could see them hanging onto his every word. "Your mum thinks you're a big failure, Black. I know about it. Everyone in Slytherin knows. She called you names—_outcast, idiot_… Reg said you got hardly any presents. She said if you started acting like part of the family, then you'd be treated that way. You think you're better than me? You're not better than me, Black. You're a joke. Maybe people like you here, but they hate you at home. I heard you cry up in your room all the time. I hear you're really, really depressed. You're not better than me at all. Your mum wishes you weren't born—"

"SHUT IT!" yelled Sirius, and he was on Severus in a flash. He shoved him backward into the mud again and then sank down to his knees, punching Severus repeatedly in the face. Severus was so taken aback that all he could do was try to cover his face. He'd been expecting a duel; physical altercations were definitely not his strong suit. He heard a large _crack! _and his nose exploded in pain. He felt warm blood dribbling out—from where, he did not know. _From everywhere? _He tried to shove Black off, but Black was strong.

"Mate!" yelled Potter, and then, _"Sirius! _Stop!" He ran over and grabbed Sirius' robes. Pettigrew was jumping up and down, delivering blows in the air to an invisible opponent while cheering. At last, Lupin slowly walked over and helped Potter tear Black away from Severus. "Oh, blimey, Sirius," said Potter quietly, and his face wore an expression that Severus had seldom seen. His eyes were wide and boyish behind his glasses, his mouth an 'o' shape. Severus' face was caked with dirt and dark blood, and he was shaking horribly in the knees. This was the first time he'd been punched since his father had left. He stared off into nothingness, his heart pounding, his mouth dry. He felt sick. His eyes wandered, and found Potter's.

Potter shook his shoulder softly. "Snivellus. Are you all right?"

Severus pulled himself away from the boys, his knees shaking hugely in rage, tears pulling at his eyes, he _would not cry, he would not cry. _Potter's eyes were wide and almost sympathetic, and he jostled Sirius' shoulder, looking worried. Lupin stared at Severus with his arms folded, looking bored. Severus hated them all. Severus' voice came out as a hateful yowl: "Fuck you, Potter, you bleeding wanker, you don't give a fucking shit about me, so don't act like it, just leave me alone, I swear to—I swear, I will get you back for this!" Potter recoiled as though Snape had hexed him.

"May I quote you on that, Severus Snape?" came a slightly amused voice from behind them.

"Headmaster!" squeaked Pettigrew, turning around first. Severus paled and averted his eyes. _Shit, could this get any worse? Now I'll probably get a telling off for cursing. _

"Yes, it is I," said Dumbledore, stooping in beside the boys. "I was on my way to pay a visit to our gamekeeper when I heard what sounded like a tussle—and unfortunately it seems that my ears did not fail me. _Epsiki," _he said quietly, pointing his wand at Severus' face. There was a small crack of bones and Severus held in his breath. "That should fix the nose. The eye will heal, given time. I recommend applying a cool cloth to it tonight, though, Severus." Dumbledore pulled a purple star-covered handkerchief out of his robes. "For your face," he explained.

Severus took it, his hands shaking, and began to wipe off the blood and dirt, all the while glaring deeply at the other boys. Black and Potter had set their jaws, and their eyes were wide.

"I'm sorry, Headmaster. I got a little out of hand, you see—Sn—Snape was insulting Remus and James," Black said quickly.

"And why, might I ask, are you apologizing to me?" the old Headmaster asked, and although he was smiling, his eyes were a bit dark.

"Er—well, I was just—" Black's face fell. "Sorry, Snape." He hung his head, and then looked up at Severus angrily. "He should apologize, too! He called Remus sick—and he called—"

"Don't bring me into this," said Lupin. "He hardly said anything to me, I mean, anything out of the ordinary."

"What does _that _mean?" moped Severus, mopping at his face.

"No offense, Snape, but you're kind of rude," said Lupin, and immediately looked sorry he said it. Pettigrew giggled, and then clapped his hand over his mouth.

Severus made a growling sound in his throat. Dumbledore looked around at each of them.

"Don't try to lie, Snape. You're rude. You're really rude," put in Black, and to Severus' surprise, he sounded quite un-cool for once. "Those things you said… Take them back!"

"Take back what you've said about me!" Severus shouted.

"No," said Black.

"Then I won't take back what I've said," Severus replied.

"But the things we say are different," said Black. "Right, James?"

"Yeah!" James said, tearing his eyes away from Severus and looking at the Headmaster. "We just like joking around. That's all."

"I've noticed your _joking around _has bought you many detentions in the short three years you have been here," commented Dumbledore, smiling.

"Uh…. Maybe, yeah," said Black, and Severus smiled through the blood. He hoped they'd get in loads of trouble and maybe even get expelled. "But still—it's just fun. But Snape is _mean—"_

"You're mean, too!" Severus said loudly.

"And he's whiny," put in Black.

"McGonagall had alerted me to a problem earlier this year," said Dumbledore smoothly. "Honestly, that woman is so keen I am sometimes tempted to give her my job. She had spoken to me about severe issues involving you five, and house rivalry—"

"Five?" Lupin burst out. "I haven't done a thing—"

"And perhaps that is not something to brag about, Mr. Lupin," said Dumbledore. The boys all looked confused. "Anyway, I should hope you all will work on your issues and stop this behavior. And if it persists, all of you should feel free to come to myself or your head of house. Greater action may need to be taken."

"What about now?" Severus asked. "Are we all getting in trouble?" He was ready to fight it—he'd only served detention once, when McGonagall had caught him dueling in the hallways but she'd she would not officially document it since he had been provoked.

Dumbledore, to Severus' surprise, shook his head. "None of you will be facing any punishment. _This _time."

Severus glowered at the Gryffindors, who were all smiling, besides Black. Black still looked a bit morose. _I got him good, _thought Severus pleasantly, despite feeling this whole ordeal was quite unfair. The others deserved the very same. Not to mention now that it was obvious there was something going on with Lupin. Severus would definitely find out what that was!

He caught Potter staring at him, and he glared meanly. Potter looked away instantly.

* * *

><p>"Well, that's not even half of what happened," Severus told Lily hotly, nearly as hot as the strange summery air that had surprised the student body of Hogwarts that day. It was close to the end of term, and instead of studying, most of the students had found it fit to jump in the lake, play games, and other such ridiculous pastimes. Severus had spent <em>his <em>day finishing up his essays and looking forward to Astronomy class. It was finally warm enough that they'd received post class would be an extra hour long, and they'd be lying out on the tower roof. They'd been instructed to bring blankets and their journals to make drawings and extensive notes. Severus had hoped all day that Lily would choose to sit by him, and he'd shown up early to secure a spot in the back. Lily always suggested they sit in the back, which suited him fine because he didn't want his classmates gossiping about him and Lily. Luckily, Lily had the same idea, and had immediately come to join him. However, it was a half hour in and they were arguing quietly about the fight between Black and Severus. Apparently, all Black had recounted was Severus' words about his family. Severus wished his nose was still broken so that he could show Lily the damage that Black had done him!

"I believe you," whispered Lily, leaning toward his ear, "but you can't react that way. People are beginning to think that you're a bit off. The bird, and now this—"

"This is way different than the bird! That stupid bird! It wasn't even real! Black's the worst. If you'd have seen the blood, you'd believe me."

"All right, but what about Remus? He didn't do anything. You have no reason to hate him so much!" Lily said.

"You have no reason to like him so much," Severus replied, just as fiercely. "He's boring, and a bad writer to boot."

"He's nice, Severus. You're just being odd about him," Lily said, staring back up at the night sky, the slight breeze rippling her hair around her shoulders. "As usual." Severus had a strong urge to touch it, but he did not. He sat stiffly by her side, their legs grazing each others'. "Anyway," Lily went on, "it's hard for me when you're so mean to all of my housemates. I wish you'd just keep it to yourself—"

"But… it's not just me!" Severus tried to explain. "Everyone's out to get me—you don't get it—"

"Not everyone," said Lily softly, and turned to face him. "I'm not."

"Not talking about you," Severus said. "You're brilliant, you are."

He could see her blush in the moonlight, and he looked away quickly. He tried to focus on Lovegood lecturing on and on, and the constellations, or the night sky in general, or anything else but Lily's warm body beside him, but it was impossible. Everything was so difficult lately. Severus was looking forward very much to fourth year, given that they'd have advanced classes, and he'd decided that having Lucius away would make hanging out with Lily loads easier. But his emotions had been haywire lately and he hated it. Maybe he _was_ emotional.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Lily from his side.

"Nothing much," he said quietly, "just about next year. I'm ready to learn more spells. I just… I hate most everyone here." He flexed and un-flexed his fingers close to her thigh. If he had any amount of courage, he'd grab her hand. _Suppose there's an upside to being a Gryffindor, _he thought bitterly.

"Hate is a strong word," clucked Lily.

"So what?" asked Severus, and poked her in the arm with his quill.

"_Don't _do that," she advised, and grabbed his wrist in her hand, lowering it to the ground between their bodies. Severus grinned at the sky. His heart pounded. They sat there for a moment in silence, and Lily removed her hand from his wrist, crossing her arms over her chest. Lovegood had stopped lecturing, telling them instead to focus on the night sky and make observations quietly. The air was very thick. Severus swallowed, and tried again to focus above them. Lily was watching the stars, her mouth slightly open, her lips full and pretty in the dark.

Something came over him then. They were so close he could smell her shampoo and feel her leg against his. He wanted to do something, _anything, _to be close to her. He wanted her to see him as Severus, and not just a Dementor in their game. She obviously liked him enough, he figured. She'd asked to see him without his pants. She had to like him a bit. Unless this was some sort of thing friends did that he was unaware of. There was only one way to find out for sure.

And so, after scanning around the roof (no one was looking back at them—everyone was focused on the night sky, even the professor), Severus stuck his hand out to find Lily's but ended up, in the process of searching in the dark, missing her folded arms completely and brushing instead, her breasts.

He heard Lily breathe in next to him, but she said nothing and did not move. He considered moving his hand away, but he felt like he was rooted to the spot. He ran his fingers across her chest, feeling the softness of the two breasts beneath his long fingers, his eyes widening, all the while looking up at the night sky. He spread out his fingers so that he could cup each breast in turn. It was difficult, not being able to see, but he kept it up. Underneath his fingers, he felt her nipples harden. He immediately did not care anymore about trying to grab her hand and, trapped completely in anticipation, he began to rub her breasts slowly through her robes. He swallowed again, completely hard there in the darkness, completely excited, and very aware of the forty or so students just meters away from them. He could hear Lily breathing softly, and out of the corner of his eye he could see her looking upward like he was.

Slowly, Severus brought his sweaty hand down her chest, down her stomach, feeling her breathing make it rise and fall—_up, down, up, down. _He felt the curve of her hip with his fingers, licking his lips, focusing on the night sky but wanting desperately to see her face, to ask what she was thinking. But he knew that talking would spoil it. He trailed his fingers down her thigh and across her leg. In his mind, he imagined the photograph from his magazine, the one with the woman sitting with her legs spread out—_her secret place, her hidden place. _His breathing grew heavy; he felt his erection shift in his pants. Was this how things were supposed to go?, he wondered but he did not care very much. He did not feel like he had the capacity to think much of anything.

He let his hand sit on her thigh for a moment, and glanced at Lily through the corner of his eye. Her eyes were closed and on her face was an unreadable expression. Her breathing made her chest and stomach fall—_up and down—_and the air was still quiet. Severus drew in a breath as he moved his hand over her privates, his fingers fanned out, nails grazing the layer of robes there. He wanted very much to get his hand inside her robes, but he simply ran his fingers over the area, pressing in with his nails. He heard Lily utter a small sound, a gasp of sorts. He did not stop, though his ears got hot at that sound. He moved his fingers lower, and felt the spread of her private area, felt where it dipped between her legs. Watching the night sky, he spread his hand out over her privates and let his fingers make indentations like soft scratches. He could feel her jeans through her robes, and he could hear both their hearts pounding. Lily moaned quietly, and he felt his breathing get stilted with excitement. He wanted nothing more than to get his hand down in there, beneath all the maddening material that separated her from his fingers, but he still kept his hand where it was. He quickened the motion, pressing her deeply with his nails, bringing them up and down through her robes and jeans. Lily put her hand over her mouth, uttering another soft sound.

"It is about ten o'clock, class! Thank you for your time tonight, are there any questions?" rang out Professor Lovegood's loud voice from the very first grouping of students in the front of the tower roof.

Instantly, Lily bolted upright and shoved Severus' hand off of her. He couldn't see her face as she picked up her book bag and scooted closer to their classmates, but he figured he did not need to. His face was scorching in the summer dark. His robes suddenly felt sweltering; sweat was pooling in his armpits and at the back of his neck. He watched as Lily asked a thorough question about Orion's Belt, and he watched her fling her hair over her shoulder as Lovegood answered. He watched her slip her bag over her shoulder and he watched her stand up and slip between MacDonald and Lupin, laughing and nodding in response to whatever they were saying. He watched her leave and when he was the last person left on the tower roof, he sat, motionless, in the dark.


	13. Ribbons Undone

AN: Hey all! I've gotten quite a few messages asking if this story will be canon. The simple answer is that it will be reasonably canon-compliant. Fortunately for me, we weren't given too many details about Snape and Lily's relationship (apart from their falling out), and we certainly didn't know much about James and Lily as a couple, either (only biased accounts from admirers and loved ones). I'm going to take matters into my own hands. Starting with this chapter, things may be a bit A/U based on how you judge canon. But I think it _could _be canon because we don't have all the necessary information. Blah blah blah.

Please note: Because this story is going to follow Severus and Lily throughout their lives, there will be a point (later) during which it will be heavily about James and Lily's relationship and the Marauders during Lily's segments. I don't really enjoy writing that pairing, but it's necessary to carry the story where I want it to go (and a worthy challenge for me). Rest assured though, this is a Snape/Lily fic through and through. I don't want to give anything away, but please believe there will be drama, scandal and lots of sex (that's why you're reading, isn't it? Don't even lie to me... wel, not everyone is like me, I suppose).

Also, I don't know whether Muggle parents can get through the platform barrier, though it seems that the Evanses and the Dursleys do in canon. For the purpose of this chapter, let's pretend that they can. Is there anything else I should go on and on about? Oh, in personal news, I co-hosted a Harry Potter party during which everyone had to come in character and stay in character. I was Snape. It was quite successful. We had a wide range of people, including Molly Weasley, Slughorn, Winky, and many others. It took a lot of showering to get all the oil out of my hair. YES I AM A BIT INSANE. ENJOY THIS CHAPTER!

* * *

><p>Chapter Thirteen: Ribbons Undone<p>

Summer before Fourth Year

* * *

><p><em>Lie down in a field if you can<em>

look at the night sky

oh, where does it end?

_Sometimes it hurts, when you care about me _

_But it's gonna hurt more, when they take you from me. _

_We have got to take cover, _

_Brother. _

_We have got to take cover,  
>Brother. <em>

-THE ORGAN

* * *

><p>It had been a week since the incident on the Astronomy Tower and Severus could not get Lily to speak with him for more than three seconds. In every single class he had with the Gryffindors, he'd try to get her to look up, but she was always sitting in between Lupin and MacDonald, with Pettigrew, Potter and Black surrounding them like some sort of protective shield. Severus tried to catch Lily's eye, but she had either forgotten about him completely or was trying to. He watched her reading, taking notes, chatting and laughing happily with her Gryffindor housemates, and not once did she care to look for him. During Divinations, she kept her head ducked behind crystal balls or tarot cards. In Transfigurations, she sat at the front corner and never looked behind her. In Potions, she sat with Frank and Alice. And in Astronomy that week, she was early and sitting with her roommates. She seemed to always be one step ahead of him. He'd tried other tactics, like asking in Transfigurations if she had a quill, but she'd shrugged lamely and given him a funny sort of smile he'd never seen before. He'd asked if she wanted to study after Potions and she'd run out the door, linking arms with Paradigm and MacDonald, calling behind her that she was busy while the other girls giggled.<p>

Unfortunately for Severus, he needed to talk to Lily more than ever. He felt like he was going to burst into a thousand pieces if he wasn't able to soon. Every night, he tossed and turned in bed rehearsing what he'd say to her the next day, and then he'd have to repeat the process when he couldn't track her down. By Thursday, he'd written a dialogue that took up too many sheets of parchment than he wished to admit. On Friday, he scrapped the dialogue and started over. On Saturday, she was nowhere to be found except at mealtimes and then, she kept her head behind a book. By Sunday, Severus was determined that he was becoming a bit deranged.

By mid-week, his Slytherin housemates who spent enough time around him to notice his blank stares and endless writing began to ask questions. Rosier snapped her fingers and clapped in front of his face, and Mulciber started spreading around that Severus had ingested too many chemicals in Potions. Lucius had a concerned conversation with him, and all Severus could do was nod and shrug, open-mouthed and staring above his friend's head. It was Regulus who gave Severus a viable excuse on Thursday: He'd offered his sympathy about the fight that had happened that past month, and had promised he'd get Sirius back over the summer _"a thousand times worse"_ (which, as far as Severus could gather, had to do with a plan involving bludgers, _"my pet Kreacher",_ and Bellatrix). Although this was slightly unfortunate, being that everyone in Slytherin (besides Lucius, Narcissa and Regulus and a few others who didn't care enough to speak to him) had started calling Severus a wimp, a wanker and in general mocked his uselessness in physical brawls, it gave him an out. He'd much rather they think he was upset he'd been shown up by Black than the truth.

The truth was that he could not stop thinking about Lily. He couldn't believe he'd been able to do that thing he'd done, and now he couldn't get it off his mind. He had thought it was all right enough—those moaning soundsshe'd made!—but then again, she hadn't really said anything, and she'd shoved him away. His face burned every time he recounted it, which was nearly every second. He wondered what she'd been thinking. She liked him enough! _Didn't she?_ They were best friends! They played Azkaban Prison! She'd shown him her boobs! Severus felt like he'd been given a teaser about a very interesting book and then been told it hadn't been written yet. He itched to see more of Lily: Lily shirtless, Lily naked, even Lily clothed, Lily smiling, Lily throwing back her hair… _Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily_. Would she let him do that thing again? Or was this it? Had he blown it? _And if so, how? _Could he ever get the bravery to do that thing again? Probably not, he figured. After all, it happened as an accident, really. But still, he imagined it. He imagined slipping his hand down into her pants and wondered what it felt like to really do it, to get his fingers inside there. When he even considered putting his penis inside there, or touching her breasts without her shirt, he could hardly stand it. He decided maybe he was mental, or else had aliens invading his brain like in the telly shows Tobias used to zone out to when intoxicated. Except, he didn't even believe in aliens. Did everyone become this way over their friends?

Severus was masturbating a lot, but his fantasies kept getting cut short due to worrying. Did she like him? Was she angry? Did she think he was stupid? _Was _he stupid? No, he knew he was smart. But it did nothing. He hated himself for being intelligent. He figured someone like Peter Pettigrew _never _analyzed life this intensely.

It was almost time for summer break, and Severus was both excited and highly nervous at the prospect of having alone time with Lily. On one hand, she would have hardly anyone else to speak to in the neighborhood and not as many places to hide. On the other hand, he had no idea what he'd do when they actually hung out again. By Sunday, he figured he probably shouldn't ever bring up what had happened. It was obviously a very bad idea.

Severus had declined Lucius' offer to go to Hogsmede on Sunday, pretending that he had a lot of homework to do. He felt partially bad that he wasn't spending quality time with his friend before he graduated, but on the other hand, he felt he was not mentally capable of hanging out with anyone. Lucius made him promise he'd be at his party, and made a big deal of announcing to anyone who would listen how great it was going to be, particularly those who were not invited.

The Slytherin common room was much louder than usual, full of students lounging about, gossiping, playing chess, practicing hexes and drinking concealed Firewhiskey (although there was a rumor Slughorn would not mind if he caught residents drinking, no one wanted to test his limits). Severus was not in the mood for anything social, particularly anything too jovial so he spent the entire day walking around and pretending he wasn't trying to find Lily. He walked around the hallways, corridors, loitered outside the portrait of the Fat Lady until she told him politely to go away, and searched the Hogwarts grounds. The sun was beaming down on him, making him positively hot in his robes. He decided he hated summer. He hated getting burned, he hated how boiling he was in his clothes, and he felt it was making him even more insane. It was repulsive.

Just about when he'd given up hope, he spotted red hair beyond Hagrid's hut. Spread out on a blanket, lying down on her stomach, was Lily. She was flicking her wand in the air studiously and recording something in her notebook. She was most likely practicing Charms, he figured after surveying her movements for a moment. Severus' mouth felt dry and his heartbeat raced. He walked to her as quickly as he could without tripping in the yellowing grass.

"Lily," he burst out from behind her, and she jumped, startled.

She rolled over and sat up, whipping around to face him. "Severus," she said, and her face went scarlet. Her eyes searched around them, and then latched onto his gaze. "I've been… busy," she said, blinking rapidly.

"Me too," he lied. "So what's new?"

"Not too much," she said, and he noticed she was gathering up her papers and notebook. "I've got… lots of work to do."

"Me too," he said, and cleared his throat. "How've you been?"

"Fine," she said, and laughed. "Just fine. I should probably…" She trailed off and shrugged, and then laughed again.

"What's funny?" asked Severus, still standing in front of her. He was vaguely aware that his heartbeat was throbbing, and his entire body felt as though it were on fire.

"Nothing," said Lily seriously.

"Oh," said Severus, and swallowed hard. "What're you studying?" He was suddenly very aware of the fact that Lily was not wearing her robes, and the angle he was viewing her from gave him a quite nice look at her cleavage through her shirt, and her skirt hung only centimeters above her knees—_no socks or tights. _Lily's eyes followed his gaze and her face became a hot shade of scarlet, but Severus could not bring himself to look away.

"Charms—"

"I thought so," he said instantly, "I was watching you—"

Lily averted her eyes and stuffed her pile of books and notes into her bag. "Enjoying the sun?" she asked distractedly, running her hands through her hair.

"No," Severus replied. "I hate it—"

"Of course not," Lily said, and gave him that same, strange smile as earlier in the week. "Well, I've got to be going! I've got to get to class." With that, she bundled up the blanket and rushed off past Hagrid's hut.

Severus stood there blinking in the sun for a full ten seconds before he yelled after her: "IT'S SUNDAY, YOU KNOW!"

At least she was talking to him! His mouth formed into an expression that could be considered by some to be a smile, and he hopped back toward the castle, humming off-key.

* * *

><p>Lily's heart was racing in her chest as she ran toward the castle, in the direction of the Gryffindor common room. She'd known she wasn't safe outside, but she'd just <em>had <em>to get out in the weather. She was annoyed at herself, but also slightly… What? _Excited? _After all, she _knew _the only place she wouldn't see Severus was the common room, but she'd gone outside anyway!

She'd gone outside wondering if she'd see him. Her heart beat faster. And she'd seen him. _Oh God. _And it had been awful! Terrible! She'd said every possible wrong thing, and he'd acted weird. _No, _she thought, _he'd been quite normal. _That was the most mortifying part. This was her crush. Her crush was a completely and utterly weird person. A big stupid weirdo who wore all black and all of his robes on what had been the hottest day of the year. She blushed at the thought of it, and hated the fact that even thinking about how ridiculous that was made her insides tingly.

Lily had been having a very stressful week since the incident on the Astronomy Tower. Every day, she planned exactly how she was going to avoid Severus, because if she spoke to him, she wouldn't know what to say (_like now_, she thought angrily), and she needed desperately to keep her cool in front of him. She'd needed time to think, particularly because summer break was only a week away, and she knew that she and Severus would be in closer proximity. And now she had no idea what that would entail. Not after _the thing. _What if he did it again? Lily jumped staircases and ran to the Fat Lady, saying the password urgently and slipping past the other residents in the common room. She'd been trying to surround herself with as many friends as possible in order to stop thinking about Severus, but nothing was working. She'd even come close to telling Mary, but refrained due to her extreme embarrassment over the entire situation. Although annoying, Potter, Black and Pettigrew were a welcome distraction that week. Potter and Black in particular were so overly invested in making people laugh and acting cool that when Lily hung around them, no one seemed to ask her questions or ask how she was doing. Not even Remus or Mary, who seemed to hang onto the two other boys' every word. Although Lily found Potter and Black to be highly arrogant, it was very helpful to have them around so that no one was noticing how little she'd been saying lately or how much she'd been avoiding Severus.

Lily had not imagined Severus doing what he'd done, not like that. She'd only just decided she _might _fancy him, and now she was utterly tangled up in what felt like a million thoughts and feelings. She was very, very humiliated. She'd liked what he'd done. She'd liked it a lot, but it had been very odd, as though it was a dream. It had been strange to just be lying there, looking at the night sky and then feel Severus' cold hand on top of her left breast. She'd set her jaw and squeezed her legs together, considered telling him it was all right he'd done it, that it was a mistake. But then, he'd continued rubbing her through her shirt. She'd felt like her heart was going beat out of her body—his thin, long fingers on her nipples, his hand searching, massaging, her nipples perking right up at his touch. She'd closed her eyes then—she couldn't look at him, she couldn't focus on his hand, and then his hand had gone down. It had gone down, slick and easy, like he was petting an animal's back and then it had ended up… There. She'd felt his hand through her robes, his fingers searching. It was soft at first and then he'd clasped the front of her like he was putting on a glove, willing those fingers through slits or cupping something in his palm. He'd started rubbing her then, and she'd felt her insides whirling. It was not Belby or Wendell Perkins, or anyone else but Severus Snape. The air had been warm and muggy, and Lily's face had been just as warm. She kept trying to think about class, about anything, about Remus' drawings, or the funny things Mary had said, and then she'd snapped back to reality. She didn't want to think about Mary, because Mary was only a few meters away and Lily knew just what Mary would say if she turned around—_"Yuck." _Lily could imagine what her housemates would think. She'd likely be a laughingstock. She'd shut her eyes tighter, and hoped no one would notice. At the same time, she didn't want Severus to stop, and that was the absolute worst part. She had butterflies in her stomach and even though the way he was touching her was getting a little frenzied, she could feel the heat circulating in her privates, and when his nails dabbled in that good place just above her lower regions, her knees buckled. Lovegood's announcement had brought her back to reality full-on and she'd completely snapped to attention. She had to get Severus out of the way because it was as though the lights had come on in a playhouse—if everyone saw, she'd really be fixed.

But the really mortifying part came after class. She'd done a good job acting cheerful with the others as they returned to Gryffindor, and she'd spouted off her favorite constellations so that they'd think she had been completely engaged. She'd bid Mary, Muruvi and Scarlet goodnight, and had changed into her pajamas and slipped into bed and had attempted to think of anything but what had happened… But there in the dark, she'd actually _smiled _to herself. Immediately, her insides had given a jolt. What was she thinking? It was Severus. Severus, who had all of Gryffindor in an uproar because he'd called the most popular third year boys awful names. "Snivellus", who everyone was making fun of for losing a fistfight to Black and making a bird explode in class. "Snivellus", with the hair everyone was always on about for being oily and—Lily sat mortified that night in the dark—the _smelly _robes that Potter talked about endlessly after every Potions lesson. But Snivellus was Severus who was her best friend who was doing… _weird… _things to her. It was all getting very difficult to keep straight. Possibly, with some help, couldn't Snape become more like a normal boy?

Without really thinking too hard about any of it, Lily had eagerly removed her pants and slipped her own finger into her privates, and in her head it was Severus' finger—moving in and out, adding a second finger, pulling all of them up and stimulating that spot she liked best, and she thought about his dark hair in his face, his eyes blazing through like two black and white saucers, the long lashes framing them. His tongue between the small gap in his teeth, his crooked eyeteeth to the side and his nose sticking through the part in his too-long bangs. She blushed deeply in the dark while spreading her legs apart wider—she was thankful no one could be inside her head, and really, it felt so good she really didn't care. And she imagined them in the woods, him grabbing onto her, and then maybe her pushing his lips onto hers, and those _fingers… _His pale skin and somber expression, and deep voice. It wasn't a very in-depth fantasy. In fact, it was the simplest one she'd ever had, and the most sexually concrete. She'd felt his fingers on the outside of her robes, and now all she could do was imagine how it would feel to have them inside. Lily stretched her bare legs across the hot mattress as she writhed upward, biting her lip as she felt every sensation becoming deeper and more intense. She moaned quietly, her fingers moving quicker, and then, it was over. She sighed, slumped against her pillows and stared up at the canopy. Half of her was stuck on being embarrassed she had just fantasized about Severus, and the other half had a big question: _Was what Severus did part of having sex?_

Since that night, she'd been masturbating a lot more frequently than usual. Every day, she was in such a crazed state of mind from avoiding Severus everywhere that masturbation was the only real release. In her fantasies, she'd be hiding, and he'd find her and do that thing again. Or sometimes, he'd simply find her, and she'd climax right then, imagining his deep voicing saying _"Caught you." _

For the first time, she actually listened hard when Mary talked about boys—maybe she could learn something, at least. It seemed everyone had sex on the brain worse than usual. A raunchy story that Mulciber had apparently written was winding its' way around to all of the third years in each house, and had ended up in Gryffindor that week. James and Sirius read it aloud, replacing the names in the story with "Mulciber" and "Rosier". Lily had listened feverishly as they'd described a scene quite like what she and Severus had done on the Astronomy Tower, crossing her legs together tightly and blushing. Mulciber had a way with words- _that_ was for certain. Mary kept them all up at night asking questions about who they fancied and who they'd shag if they had a chance. Lily stuck to her staples, Belby and Perkins, though now she was (derisorily enough) imagining what it would be like to shag Severus. Muruvi had developed an interest in a quiet Slytherin named Ethan Middleton who was one of Severus' more approachable dorm mates, but said she wasn't ready to shag anyone just yet. Scarlet fancied a Hufflepuff named Corin Winter who always shared his quills and parchment with her. Mary was still stuck on James, surprisingly. Lily had quite thought that she'd have moved on by now; after all, it had been nearly six months since winter break. Apparently, James was still very "sweet" when it came to the physical parts of their relationship. They'd only snogged a handful of times, and had not yet made out. Mary had announced loudly to the girls that she'd finally given him an erection from just hugging him. Lily wondered how James would react if he knew she was spreading that around in the girls' dormitory. She felt sort of sorry for him, but at the same time, it was amusing to hear how shy he actually was without Sirius around. In Lily's opinion, James deserved being gossiped about. He had such an over-inflated ego that she hoped he'd get taken down a few levels.

She also considered talking to the girls about what had gone on with Severus, but she figured that it would be smarter to wait until break, when she could better pretend it was the mysterious flaxen-haired neighborhood boy who had pressed his hand up against her privates.

Lily successfully avoided Severus up until summer break, which took some skill because he was popping up everywhere. This was both terrifying and exhilarating—it confirmed what Lily had been suspicious about that year. It seemed Severus liked her back, or at least liked her well enough to touch her… Alone, she felt sort of powerful about this. But when Severus was around, she felt exposed. She felt slightly bad that she'd been ignoring him, because she figured he might need a ride. Her own sanity was more important though, she figured. It turned out that Lily didn't need to worry whether he had a ride to Spinner's End. When the train arrived in Hogwarts, and she'd scanned the crowd to find her friend (thus, to better avoid talking to him) there was someone there waiting for him.

* * *

><p>Severus sort-of fell out of the train, and turned around angrily to find that he was face to face with Black, who had obviously pushed him. Lucius, who had just been vocalizing how great it was to be a "freed man", whirled around and stuck his wand in Black's face. Black immediately put his hands up and fell back into the crowd.<p>

"Little troll," Lucius scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You _have_ to stand up for yourself," he instructed, patting Severus' shoulder. "Remember the dueling club. Use it! Otherwise those goons will walk all over you. And I won't be here to defend you next year."

"Yeah, I get the point. You've only talked about how you're done at Hogwarts every day for the past two weeks," grumbled Severus as they headed over to pick up their suitcases.

"I can't help but be tremendously excited," said Lucius loudly, collecting his white Dragon hide luggage set. "I never have to set eyes on all these stupid idiots ever again. It's the real world for me—"

"And the real world is better?" asked Severus doubtfully, grabbing his suitcase and pretending he wasn't scanning the crowd for Lily. They hadn't spoken since the day near Hagrid's hut, and he felt dangerously close to the edge of insanity, even more than before.

"It has to be," Lucius shrugged. Severus certainly hoped so, but things had been looking dark lately. "I have my internship at the Ministry and hopefully I can become the youngest Minister of Magic in history and you can tell me the name of every fool at Hogwarts you want executed and I'll do it."

"How about I give it to you now so you can get to it quickly when the time comes?" Severus asked menacingly. "Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin. Make sure their deaths are slow. And painful."

"Yes, we simply _can't _forget painful," grinned Lucius, and then waved into the crowd to Abraxus and Cordeilia. "We can continue this conversation at my house. The precise methods of torture, the mechanisms, and all that. You're welcome to come anytime, and stay however long you want—"

"I'm coming to the party," Severus nodded, still looking around for Lily, "but I might want to spend some time at home—"

Lucius raised a silver eyebrow. "That sounds very unlike you. Suddenly a big fan of family gatherings, Severus?"

"No," Severus said quickly. "Just… I don't know. I figure I should. That's all."

"_Sappy_," Lucius said coolly, and gave another wave to his family, this time in a much ruder way. "Well, this is goodbye then. I'd better go before they start in on me for being slow. I bid you farewell, my friend—"

Severus sighed. "I'm going to see you in less than a week—"

"I want a dramatic exit!" Lucius declared. "See you soon, Severus. Be good—"

"Never," Severus smirked. He watched as his tall, slender friend joined his family and pushed his bags at them. They disappeared together, arguing loudly and pleasantly. Severus sighed again. He really would miss Lucius at school, even if this meant things with Lily would be considerably less difficult.

All too soon, he realized he hadn't been very keen on making plans for getting home. If his mum didn't come, and Lily was avoiding him, maybe he'd have to catch a bus in London. He had no Muggle money to speak of, and hadn't ridden the bus in ages. It had probably all changed by now. He really should have planned this better, but he'd been so on edge lately that he hadn't thought about much except spending time with Lily. Severus scanned the crowd again for Lily or any sign of his Mum. And then suddenly, a very loud angry voice bellowed his name through the crowd:

"SEVERUS! For Christ's sake, are you blind? Hurry up!"

Severus paled completely and slowly turned around. There with the other mums and dads was Tobias. Severus hadn't seen him in such a long time that he seemed like a caricature of himself. "It's you," he said.

"Well, come on!" Tobias said loudly. "Yes, it's me, stupid."

Around him, Severus' schoolmates laughed nervously. Parents were staring, and whispering. If this weren't mortifying enough, Tobias strode into the crowd and grabbed Severus by the arm, dragging him along. Severus sent a glance behind him, and to his horror, Potter and Black were watching the scene with amused faces. And to the right of them was Lily. They locked eyes for hardly a second before she looked away. Severus' face burned.

"What are you doing here?" Severus moaned in embarrassment, pulling away from his father.

"Is that all you can say to me? Haven't seen me in nearly a year and that's what you think to say?" barked Tobias, striding along quickly beside Severus as they entered through the barrier to King's Cross.

Severus couldn't stop staring at his father in shock. Seeing him anywhere remotely magic was not something Severus was used to. "How'd you know to—why are you here? I mean—how'd you know how to get through?"

"Bloody ridiculous the things you people think of, a blasted wall to get through to a train, like you're special or something. Your mum told me to get you, she said you might need a ride and she's been at work all day. My house is a damn mess. That's what I get for leaving," he said angrily, lighting a cigarette. His hair had flecks of gray in it, Severus noticed, and his face was unshaven. Strangely, they were nearly the same height. "Believe me, this is the last place I want to be—"

"Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out that cigarette?" asked a thin uniformed man with a long mustache.

Tobias sneered. "Piss off," he said, and the man bowed his head in fear. They were silent until they reached the parking lot, where Severus got in the passenger's seat of the old Buick for what seemed like the first time in centuries. "What is that?" Tobias asked, eying Poe as Severus stuck her cage in the backseat. "WHAT IS THAT?"

"She's my owl," replied Severus.

"No way in hell that thing is coming with us!"

"She's my pet. She has to come with us."

"What kind of fucking pet is an owl?"

"That's how I get mail!"

Tobias glared. "What are you doing, living in the dark ages? May as well have a bloody carrier pigeon for fuck's sake! All right, but if it shits in my car, you're cleaning it up! So what kinds of stupid things did they teach you this year?" Tobias asked loudly.

Severus' entire body went rigid. He ignored Tobias and stared out the window in embarrassment as his father cursed loudly at the car's wheezing engine. They pulled out of the station parking lot, the smoke from Tobias' cigarette filling the car. Severus gritted his teeth, trying not to cough. Finally, he rolled down his window and hacked loudly, trying to wave smoke out of the car. "Where'd you go?" he asked, between coughs. "And why are you back?"

"You can't even answer my question," Tobias said meanly. "Obviously, the same useless crap they teach you every year. You look a right mess. The first thing I'm doing when we get back is cutting your hair. Your mum may be all right with your hippy bullshit, but I'm not—"

"No!" said Severus indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest. "I won't let you! Besides, I'm _not _a hippy—"

"You look stupid like that," Tobias went on, "I can't even see your damn face. No wonder they're beating you up at school, I'd have too if I'd have known you—"

Severus stared at his father. "No one's beating me u-… how did you know?"

"Your mum got some letter about it. It said you had some issues with some other blokes—I'm guessing you didn't come out on top."

"You don't know anything about it," Severus said quietly, wishing he'd known Hogwarts had written home.

"Look at you," Tobias said, by way of explanation.

Severus hung his head so that his hair fell in front of it like a blanket. Tobias had better not cut it—it was Severus' protection, his curtain. Tobias went on talking for the entire ride, and Severus completely disassociated, thinking instead of Lily, and school, and the party at Lucius'. He hardly noticed when they pulled up at the house, but his father shook his shoulder to let him know. Severus collected his suitcase and bag, and headed inside. The house was stifling hot, and tons of flies were buzzing around as usual, alighting on every surface and crawling up the ceilings and walls. Immediately, Severus headed to his room and locked the door. He heard Tobias cursing to himself in the living room, and judging by the sound of a clanging glass, he was already drinking. Severus checked the old pocket watch he kept on his bedside table: It was one o'clock in the afternoon. He spent time reading, thinking about Lily and masturbating quietly. Around four, he felt famished but was reluctant to have to pass through the living room. Hunger won out finally around five, and when he crossed the room, Tobias was sitting with a half empty bottle of whiskey and glaring at the television.

"Fucking bastards," he said blearily at the actors in some inane comedy, and flipped the channel to the news. Severus walked quickly in front of the telly and hurried into the kitchen, opening the fridge. Disappointedly, he surveyed the fridge's contents: alcohol, butter, a slab of molding cheese and some horrifyingly old-looking Pakistani takeout. "There's no food in here!" called out Tobias from the living room. "You'll either have to find your own or starve. You can thank your mum for that." Severus ended up scraping the mold off the cheese and ate it leaning against the dirty counter.

It took all of his willpower not to go to Lily's to get away, but he was humiliated she'd seen him with Tobias. Although he'd explained the situation of his home life to her before, she'd never witnessed it first hand. Severus figured he'd better lay low for awhile. When his mum came home around nine, they regarded each other silently. He wondered if she was happy his dad was back. Or if she was ever happy in general. That night, listened to his parents arguing for several hours while tossing and turning in his bed. He couldn't make out much of what they were saying, but it didn't sound pleasant. At one point, his mum started crying. Something fell and shattered. Severus rocked himself into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

><p>Petunia was giving Lily the silent treatment again, probably as a result of their conflict over winter break. It made Lily sad, but at this point, it almost seemed childish. After all, Petunia was fifteen now. They should have been past fights like this. Still, Lily was finding little motivation to smooth over their issues. She figured Petunia would come around someday, and she'd welcome her with open arms when she did, despite thinking she was obnoxious. It was more worth it to Lily to accept her sister than to play the same games.<p>

Three days into break, and she still had not spoken to Severus. He'd looked so fearful at King's Cross that she really hadn't known how to approach the situation. Lily had told James and Sirius ardently to stop laughing at the scene. She hardly found Severus' father funny at all—he was quite menacing, actually. Even Mary had enough sense not to laugh, solid proof that she was worthy of friendship. Bored, Lily ended up that weekend at the local library, and sought out more books like the two she'd read earlier that year on feminism. She found several she figured she'd better hide from her parents, _The Dialectic of Sex _being one of them, another being a book of short stories and poems by someone named Charles Bukowski. She read books day and night, lounging in the backyard when the weather was pleasant and in front of the living room fan when it was not. The Bukowski stories were highly fascinating. There was a lot of talk of women and drinking, which made Lily feel grown up. The way Bukowski wrote about sex made her red in the cheeks and feel funny. It was very provocative. She made sure to read it with her sunglasses on, looking over them coolly and crossing her legs.

Petunia came and went, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. She'd grown into herself more, and looked more her age than usual. She lacked the look of adolescent awkwardness she'd held onto for so long, and instead looked mature and poised. She spent huge amounts of time applying makeup in her room, even when she was going out to play sports. Lily never thought she'd see the day. Petunia had always been such a tomboy.

Finally, on Tuesday, there was a knock at the door. Since Petunia had gone out, Lily figured it couldn't be one of her annoyingly stuck-up friends. Sure enough, when she looked through the peephole, it was Severus' dark eyes looking back at her. Lily's heart raced and she leaned against the door, wondering whether or not she should open it. _Don't be daft, _she told herself. _Act cool. What would Mary do? _This wasn't very helpful, given that Mary hated Severus with a passion. And if he were a boy she fancied, she'd just try to see whether he had an erection. The doorbell rang. _Oh no, _thought Lily, _that was not something I should have thought of, now if I let him in that's all I'll be able to think about! _

"Lily!" called Mother, "get that door, would you, dear?"

Blushing fervently, Lily slowly opened the door and put on a smile. "Hi Severus," she greeted, waving stiffly. _Stop being an idiot, _she informed herself.

Severus stared at her, looking her over. She felt his eyes trailing down her summer dress and she blushed deeper. They were off to an awful start. "Hey," he said. "You haven't been talking to me at all. I couldn't find you anywhere at school. What have you been up to?"

His tone was so blunt and dry that Lily giggled and he shot her a questioning look. "Like I said, I got really busy," she explained quickly. "Exams, and all—"

"Yeah," nodded Severus, and she wanted to ask him what he was thinking as he looked at her. She wondered if he was thinking about touching her again, because she was certainly thinking about him doing it. He licked his lips. "Yeah, sorry I didn't go to Slughorn's party. I know you helped him with it. Lucius had a dinner in Hogsmede, I really couldn't miss it—"

"It's all right," she replied. She'd been relieved he hadn't shown up. "It was lots of fun—"

"Was Belby there?" asked Severus bleakly.

Lily stared back at him, and decided to test the waters as she leaned on the doorframe. "I didn't really notice. I don't care about Belby. At all—"

Severus raised his eyebrow just as Lily's mother came up behind her. Lily moved backward a bit, going even redder. _Great, _she thought, knowing her very ill attempt at flirting had looked much more awkward than suggestive.

"Oh, hello, Severus," Mother greeted formally. "Why are you two standing there in the doorway like a pair of odd ducks? You should invite your friend in for lunch, Lily—"

"He might not _want _lunch," Lily said to her mother, slightly annoyed. She was trying to keep Severus apart from her enough to figure everything out, and here was her mother, meddling in her plans.

"I'll come in," Severus said, and so Lily had no choice but to open the door and let her crush inside. Her crush. It felt weird to view Severus in this light, but after what they'd done, she certainly couldn't consider him only a friend. She found herself staring at his angular profile, his long limbs and long, straight fingers on hands much larger than her own. He noticed her looking, and his abyss-like eyes bored into her, like he knew her every secret. She prayed he hadn't learned how to be a Legilmens yet.

They ate leftover stew and made turkey sandwiches with hunks of fresh tomato and rich cheese. Lily's mother claimed she had reading to do, but Lily knew she was only staying in the living room to keep an eye on them. As it was, the conversation was awkward enough. They'd run out of school-related topics and were sitting in silence. The only sound was their spoons clinging in their bowls, and when they were finished eating, Lily was tempted to make another sandwich just so she wouldn't have to speak.

"So your dad's back," she said finally, quiet enough that she was sure her mother wouldn't hear.

Severus shrugged at his empty bowl. "He's back, all right," he said. "Don't know why. He says he was on a job but I highly doubt it."

"What do you think he was doing?" Lily asked, leaning in, her hair falling in her face.

"My sister thinks he fucks a lot of women," said Severus quietly, but unfortunately not quietly enough.

"Language!" chirped Lily's mother from the living room, and Severus made a face at Lily.

"This is impossible," he said, and Lily internally agreed. "We should go to the park—"

"She won't let us, not alone," whispered Lily across the table.

"Say we won't be alone. Say we're going to my house—"

Lily blushed. "I… no offense, but my parents don't want me to go to your house, either—"

"I—well, _say _we're going to my house, but then we'll go to the park?" Severus suggested quietly.

"What are you two whispering about?" trilled Lily's mother.

Severus leaned back and folded his arms, looking angry. His hair covered his face, but she could still see the dark outline of his furrowed brow, his downward-facing mouth. Lily felt helpless. She _could _lie, but she didn't want to. She wanted to be alone with him, but she also didn't. She didn't know what to say about what had happened, and she wasn't sure where to go from it either. "All right," said Severus, "well, I'm going outside. See you." He stood up and strode out of the house, slamming the door. She had the urge to watch him through the window, but she sat idle in the dining room chair, an imprint of how bitter he looked plastered in her mind.

"He's become foul-mouthed, hasn't he?" asked her mother aloud, breaking the thick silence. "And moody."

Lily gripped the chair as she answered: "I guess so."

"I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything else, being where he's from," remarked her mother, and then it was silent once more.

Lily thought of Severus' father in the station, yelling for him and she turned pink. If her mother knew about what had happened between them, she'd be banned from seeing Severus forever.

_Dear Mary, _Lily wrote that night, _I have something to tell you, but you have to swear on your life you'll never tell. Something happened between me and my neighbor.. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know how much I like him. But I want him to do it again. Maybe I really like him. I don't know. He rubbed his fingers on the front of me. Not on the inside of my pants or anything like that, but hard on the front of my jeans. We haven't even kissed yet. I feel kind of wrong for liking it. I feel wrong because he's sort of wrong for me. But maybe that's why I like him? What do you think? _

_Lots of love, _

_Lily_

Only an hour later, Mary's reply came:

_Lily, _

_W.O.W. I wish I was there to help you. What do you mean, he's wrong for you? He sounds pretty exciting to me, but then again I'm dating the shyest person on the earth. You'd never think, would you, from the way he plays Quidditch! Anyway, this is about you! I can't believe it! You almost very nearly were fingered, Lily. You should ask him to do it underneath the pants this time, especially if you want to be shagged quick! Also, a good way to get it done is to give him a blow job. He won't be able to resist you. Just think, you could lose your virginity before fourth year, you'd be the coolest person at school. I don't know anyone in our year that's done it, although I like to tell people I have when I'm bored. Ha ha! _

_And you haven't KISSED yet? What's WRONG with you? Why don't you? I want to know! Tell me all the details, tell me how it felt!_

_XOXOXOXO Your friend, Mary _

_Dear Mary, _

_No! I don't want to shag him, not yet. Though I have to say, I am thinking about what it would be like. Fingering? Is that what you call it when it's inside the pants? What's a blow job? I can't even believe I'm writing this to you, so don't tell anyone but I would really like to try that, fingering, I mean. BUT. He's wrong because… There are a lot of reasons actually. First of all, my parents don't like him much anymore (we used to hang out when we were little). They think he's foul and he's not very well off. He does curse an awful lot can get angry easily. I'm really one of the only people here that he likes and I can stand him when other people can't. I can tell he fancies me. He looks at me all the time. Sometimes I wonder if he's thinking about shagging me, too. What have you done with James? Anything else besides kissing? What is kissing like? I sound stupid I'm sure. _

_Lots of love, Lily_

* * *

><p>Severus didn't know why being at Lily's had frustrated him so much, but he supposed it had to do a lot with wanting to touch her, and having no idea how to go about it. Then her high and mighty mum had to be there the entire time, and even though it was the first time they'd been together since the thing had happened they hadn't gotten to talk about anything real! It made him too mad for words. Not to mention, Lily was acting funny. Was she trying to get at something, saying she didn't like Belby? Or was she just making conversation? Severus wished he had a manual about how to converse normally with people. He was having a worse time than ever.<p>

Soaked in sweat from the summer heat, Severus clattered into his house and slammed the door, scowling angrily.

"Jesus!" Tobias yelled from the couch, making Severus jump. "What are you, a horse? For a skinny little fuck, you certainly know how to make a racket."

"I'm having a bad day," Severus fired back, staring hollowly at Tobias. Mum was sitting next to him. She looked tired. Severus really didn't have time for their dysfunctional bullshit. He had enough to deal with. If he could never speak to Lily one on one, they'd probably stop being friends. She probably hated him, anyway, after what he'd done. She was just being polite. _That's probably it, _he thought bitterly, kicking off his shoes at the door. He should have never acted on his feelings. He'd never be able to date her now. She hated him!

"And what sort of things make a thirteen year old have a _bad _day?" asked Tobias scornfully.  
>"I'm fourteen!" Severus declared loudly, regrettably feeling somewhere between the verge of lunacy and tears. His entire body was shaking. "And I don't want to talk about it—"<p>

Mum sat up straighter and patted Tobias' arm. "Leave him alone," she said quietly.

But Tobias threw her hand off him, and stood up. "Already, you're going to get tough with me? I'm gone for a year, and this is how you all greet me? Your mum drinking away her money and fucking up the house, and you, an ungrateful little shit with no manners?"

"Tobias," said Mum warningly, but she made no move to get up.

"Mum drinking?" Severus said, before he could help himself. "What about you? She _learned _it from you!"  
>Without warning, Tobias came forward and back-handed Severus across the face so hard that tears stung in Severus' eyes. Mum leapt up and pulled Tobias away from him.<p>

"Don't do this," she said to Tobias, who was panting furiously, his arm raised upward as if he were a cobra about to strike once more, "not again—". She quickly turned to Severus. "I didn't learn it from him—I make my own choices—"

"Did you hear that?" Tobias barked. "Know all the facts before you point fingers, you stupid piece of fucking shit!"

"You're lucky I can't curse you," Severus said, holding his cheek and staggering backward to lean on the wall. "I would, you know! I would!"

"Severus," said Mum desperately, "_don't—"_

"You're shaking," Tobias sneered, leaning over Mum so that they were almost nose to nose. "You're scared of me. You won't do shit."

"I don't want to get expelled, so I won't," said Severus loudly, trying to sound brave but it was true, he _was _shaking, from head to toe. His face throbbed.

"_I don't want to get expelled, so I won't," _mocked Tobias in a methodical and supercilious tone that Severus would never admit was actually quite accurate.

Severus shoved off the wall and hurried to his room, slamming the door behind him. His mum called after him and Tobias told her to shut up. This day couldn't possibly get any worse, could it?

_Of course it can! _thought Severus begrudgingly that night after reading the mail that Poe brought to had sent owl post to inform Severus that Mulciber and Avery had arrived at the manor, and Regulus would be there by Friday. They were apparently having a grand old time, and Severus felt himself becoming extraordinarily jealous. Here he was, spending his summer vacation obsessing ridiculously over his Mudblood best friend who hated him who he'd gotten very close to but now had ruined it all by being himself and now his family was back to how it used to be (worse than awful) and he'd have no friends because he was too busy trying to deal with all of it!

On top of everything else, was Lucius going to start calling the others his best friends too? Severus was his best friend! _Mulciber, Avery and Regulus are rich, too, though, _thought Severus enviously, thinking of his conversation with the repugnant Hagawthe all that time ago. _They can afford the same things Lucius can, AND they're REAL purebloods! _He collapsed on his bed and kicked the nightstand. The obnoxious flies flew around, buzzing loudly. _They're all rich and probably making fun of me still for the fight with Black, and saying I'm a dark wizard. Fuck them! __I don't need them!_ he thought sulkily, leaping up and stuffing clothes in the suitcase he'd just unpacked that morning. _Lucius probably doesn't even need me or like me. He's probably forgotten about me. Best friends. Yeah, right. Who needs best friends? _He snapped the suitcase shut and headed out through the hallway, not really clear on exactly what he was doing.

"_Now_, where in the bloody hell are you going?" shouted Tobias from the living room.

"Like you care," Severus replied, rolling his eyes. "Out."

"Out where?" Tobias snapped. "Eileen, is this the kind of damned household you run? Let this little arse get his way left and right?"

Severus made eye contact with his mother, who was sitting in the armchair by the window and frowning. She immediately averted her eyes. "Severus has a right to go where he wants," she said quietly.

"And that's worked out so well," said Tobias dryly. "Look at him! He's got a suitcase packed! Where is it you think you're going?"

"To a friend's," Severus said, "Lucius Malfoy. Mum knows their family—"

"They're a very well-to-do family," put in Mum, her shoulders hunched over. "But Severus, there's no real way for you to—"

"So we're not good enough for you here?" Tobias snarled, interrupting her. "Is that it? Well, maybe if you pulled your weight a bit around here and didn't lie about in your room with your bloody books all the time, it would be different!"

Severus set down his bag. "And how's that?"

"Stop it," muttered his mum. "Let's not get into this. Just let him go cool off—"

"In my family, we were punished for being rebels, Eileen," Tobias sneered, "but as we all know, yours was different." His tone was cutting.

Mum looked up through her hair, and on her face was a glare Severus had never seen. "You'll leave my family out of this," she said. "You never met them, and you know nothing about them—"

"I know about your halfway incestuous bond with your mother fucking brother, Eileen. Anyone who looked at your bloody shrines to him could work it out—"

"You don't know a thing," Mum spat, "and you had better not bring him up any longer. His name was _Lanxus, _and we weren't _incestuous, _that's a mighty big word for you—"

The glass bottle of whiskey on the table suddenly shattered with a _bang! _and glass showered over the coffee table and flooring. Severus, his eyes wide, stared at his mother. She looked angry beyond belief. And Tobias, of all things, looked terrified.

"You bitch! You'd better go straight out and buy more!" he shouted, but his voice was trembling.

"I won't," said Eileen firmly. "Severus, you should go—"

"He'll do as I say," Tobias said, but his voice was quavering. "He's my son, too—"

"I disowned you," said Severus strongly, made brave by his mother's reaction. "I'm not your son. Not anymore."

"I'll give you a ride," said Mum quickly. "We're going, Tobias. I hope you'll forgive me for overreacting but you know I have my limits."

"You'll do no such thing!"

But mousy Eileen Snape grabbed her little black handbag, her coat and the keys to the Buick, and led the way to the car.

Once inside, Severus looked at his mother in amazement. It was the first time he'd seen her do something like this, but it certainly didn't seem like it was a first between his parents.

They rode in silence for a bit until Mum spoke. "Meeting your half-sister made me think about a few things. I've felt sorry for your father for ages, but I don't like when he speaks to us like that," she said crisply, slowing down for a stop light.

Severus said nothing, but nodded while looking out the window.

"Sometimes I forget I'm proud to be a witch," Mum went on, "and you should be proud to be a wizard, Severus."

"I am," he said, and they exchanged a glance. They were equally quiet for the rest of the ride. Mum let him out at the Leaky Cauldron, and gave him a small amount of money. He got a room for the night, and sent Lucius Poe to let him know to pick him up in the morning. Lucius wrote back immediately, with news that the party was underway. That, in Severus' opinion, sounded rather ominous.

It felt wonderful to have a place by himself. Even though he was starving, he felt safe and knew he would not be bothered. Despite still worrying about Lily and his hunger pangs, Severus slept better than he had that entire week.

* * *

><p><em>Lily<em>

_To me he sounds really good, really naughty! Ha ha ha. Maybe since he's from a working family he'll be better with his hands! Funny joke, don't you think? I thought so. I think it's cute that he only likes you, and that you can stand him. It sounds just like you Lily, you can always put up with people the best. Looks like this one is worth it. I wish you would have asked me these questions in person but I'm really excited you care now. I'm so glad you're getting more into these things. It's very important. I've made out with my old boyfriend but only snogged James. James is a very good kisser, though nervous. He doesn't use tongue, but I want him to. Blow jobs are when you put a boy's willy in your mouth. I know it sounds weird but that's a key way to get them to shag you, I read it in a magazine. I've never done it, but I would. Word has it that Bellatrix Black gave blow jobs to every boy in Slytherin. Her mouth must have hurt an awful lot! Ha ha ha! Sirius told me and James he got one over Christmas break but we both know he was taking the piss. He tries to be so cool. It sounds like your bloke is into you enough so you should at least try and kiss him or try to hang out and see what happens. He obviously fancies you. Who cares if he's wrong for you? Let me know what happens as soon as possible, okay?_

_XOXOXOXXO, Mary_

Lily wrote Mary back right away to let her know first off, that the information on Bellatrix was much more than she ever wanted to know, and secondly, she wanted to find out for sure first if they really fancied each other and sent her post with Atticus, who hooted angrily. Lily figured he must be getting rather tired but this was important! Only a short time later, there was a rapping at her window. At first, Lily wondered how her owl had delivered the post so quickly, but it was Poe who flew in as soon as Lily opened her window up. At once, Lily grabbed the letter, which was addressed in Severus' unmistakable untidy, teeny scrawl. Patting Poe's head, she read the letter, feeling her heart pumping with excitement, and then quickly dropping in her chest.

_Dear Lily, _

_I may as well let you know that I got out of Spinner's End tonight because my parents were at it fighting. Things were getting really bad with my dad and I was very close to letting him have it. I held back, though. The past days have been really difficult. I couldn't stand being here, not even enough to- _(there was a great smudge of ink as though Severus had wiped something out) - _not even for a short time. I think I told you that Lucius' birthday was on the seventh, and he invited me to stay to celebrate his birthday and graduation. I wasn't going to go until this weekend, but I left. He's picking me up tomorrow. Right now I'm at the Leaky Cauldron in one of the rooms. I can look out the window and watch people in the street. I wanted to talk to you while I was home, but I was having a hard time thinking of what to say. I guess I'm mostly hoping we're still friends. I could say exactly what I mean, but I'm embarrassed to write it. You know why. I hope I didn't scare you. Or something. Apparently I scare people. But I don't want to scare you. I wish I could write it out in the way I want to, but I can't think of the words. _

_I had to leave, but I'm hoping we can talk near the end of summer, or sometime soon. Please don't be mad at me. I really had to get out of there. _

_-Severus Snape _

Lily grabbed for her quill so quickly she knocked the ink all over her bedspread. She threw the inky blanket to the floor and grabbed for another bottle as quickly as she could. Poe swiveled her head and looked at Lily with widened eyes.

_Dear Sev, _

_I'm not mad. Not at all. Sorry if I acted like it. Honestly, I've felt embarrassed too but I didn't know what to say. But I'm glad you wrote me because I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I hope maybe we can talk about it sometime. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to leave. I was really looking forward to talking. Of course we're friends. We'll always be friends! No matter what. Sorry if I acted off. I just didn't know what to do. _

_I am kind of annoyed you're going to Lucius' again. I don't like him, but you know that. I'd rather have you here. Now who am I going to hang out with? Petunia? _

_I've been reading some books I think you might like. _

_I would tell you to say hello to whoever's going to be at Lucius' but I'm sure none of us get on so you'd best leave me out of it (ha ha). _

_Write me if you're bored. _

_Lots of love,_

_Lily_

Lily watched as Poe took off into the night. She felt it was a very good exchange of words. Neither of them had said much, but they'd said enough to acknowledge what had happened and to clarify that they were both on good terms with each other. Lily was awfully disappointed that Severus had gone off for holiday, but it also gave her time to think about how she really felt. And in the meantime, they could communicate through letters. That wouldn't be so bad. Lily fell asleep peacefully, despite the fact that her covers smelled like ink.


	14. Father Figure

Summary: Lily tunes into Muggle television over the summer and develops an interest in being "groovy". She spends time with the Marauders and finds an enemy in the obnoxious James Potter. Severus parties for the first time with Lucius and his fellow Slytherins, and meets a nice man named Tom Riddle. Back at school, Lily and Severus discuss The Incident of third year over cigarettes, and Severus weirds her out by stalking the Marauders to constantly try and get them into trouble.

A/N: Last chapter was definitely a lead-up chapter. I've been looking very forward to posting this one. So... this chapter is pretty silly at points. Hope you enjoy it! Please give me feedback—it is greatly appreciated.

* * *

><p>Chapter Fourteen: Father Figure<p>

Mid-Summer of Fourth Year until Winter of Fourth Year

* * *

><p><em>There's such a sad love<em>

_Deep in your eyes._

_A kind of pale jewel_

_Open and closed_

_Within your eyes._

_._

_I'll place the sky_

_Within your eyes._

_._

_There's such a fooled heart_

_Beatin' so fast_

_._

_In search of new dreams._

_A love that will last_

_Within your heart._

_._

_I'll place the moon_

_Within your heart._

_._

_As the pain sweeps through,_

_Makes no sense for you._

_Every thrill is gone._

_Wasn't too much fun at all,_

_._

_But I'll be there for you-ou-ou_

_As the world falls down._

_._

_Falling._

_Falling down._

_Falling in love._

_._

-DAVID BOWIE

* * *

><p>"SEVERUS! Severus!" came a familiar loud voice, and Severus snapped his head up attentively, at once going pink about the ears and stuffing the piece of parchment he'd been enraptured in into his bag. He looked up to see Lucius waving from the entrance of the dining room in the Leaky Cauldron, where Severus had been drinking cups of coffee and memorizing every word of the letter he'd received from Lily. His mood had gone from horrendous to stellar in a matter of moments. She'd signed the letter <em>"lots of love", <em>which meant more to Severus than anything he'd heard in all his life. No one had ever signed a letter "lots of love" to him, nor had they said they loved him—not that this meant Lily _loved _him, but, it was a start! She'd also made it clear that they were still friends, and on good terms at that. _"We'll always be friends", _she'd written, _"No matter what." _ That was reassuring. _Always _was a very long time. It was the nicest letter Severus had ever gotten. He decided he wanted to take it with him everywhere. But now, he had to remember not to look too happy or he'd look suspicious at Lucius' house. He tried to put on his most stoic frown, but a thin smile faltered on his face.

"Hello Lucius," he greeted, picking up his bags.

Lucius strode in and gave him an over-the-shoulder hug. "Good morning. I was _ever _so pleased to hear that you came into London. Everyone's been having a very good time, but it's not the same without you—"

Severus lost control of his face and beamed, which must have looked odd because Lucius seemed offended by it. "Anyway," he went on loudly as they left the Leaky Cauldron, "you've not really missed _too _much. Evan is arriving tonight, and Regulus should be there by now. And you'll be interested to know that Bellatrix may stop by as well. My parents have agreed to leave for tonight and they're letting me be in control of the house. Of course, they want to be around today for the _initial _party, but we're going to have a better time without them. And Tom's been visiting, I can't wait for you to meet him—"

"Tom?" Severus asked, following Lucius as they crossed the street. Already, he was feeling both eager and apprehensive for this get-together. He looked forward to perhaps building up a better reputation with his Slytherin fellows to defer them from thinking of him as simply "Snivellus" again, but he wasn't fond of overly social gatherings. Still, he was going to real live party. He definitely was acting cooler than he felt. The prospect of seeing Bellatrix again made him a little excited as well, though not as much as the letter from Lily.

"Yes, Tom," clucked Lucius impatiently," my father's old Hogwarts chum. I know I've mentioned him. Tom Riddle—"

"Riddle. Yeah, I remember that name," said Severus, nodding.

"He's fascinated by the Dark Arts, a real brain on the subject. He knows all there is to know. No doubt you both will get on," Lucius said, and with Lucius' assistance, they both Apparated.

* * *

><p>"Lily!" greeted James in a shout, waving. "I had no idea you'd be here!"<p>

Lily smiled despite being annoyed at James' loudness, and waved back at the group of Gryffindors. Mary had invited her to Diagon Alley to meet up with some of their classmates, and then had offered to give Lily romantic advice after everyone else had left. Lily had just walked into Frederick's Fire-Eater, which was a restaurant between Eeylop's and Ollivander's.

Mary waved from her place beside James before taking his hand again. "I _told _you she was coming," she declared just as loudly and Lily settled in next to Remus, who grinned. Beside him, Peter and Sirius nodded their greetings. "Scarlet couldn't make it, and Muruvi caught some sort of odd sickness from her father who was around a lot of goblins from out of town, who knows what kind of diseases they had," babbled Mary. "Lily, how are you? How has your summer been? How's your boyfriend?"

The table erupted in hoots and hollers from everyone except Remus and Lily, who both looked rather embarrassed. A group of senior-aged witches shushed them icily.

"Mary!" Lily said indignantly. "He's not my—"

"What? I think it's great news," Mary went on, swinging James' hand around in her own almost violently.

"Who is this bloke?" asked Sirius. "Mary says he's a Muggle—"

"You say it like there's something wrong with that," James put in, and made eye contact with Lily. "But there isn't—"

"Don't put words in my mouth, Prongs," Sirius said, flexing his fingers. "I didn't say there was anything wrong with it. But it presents a few minor difficulties. Does he know you're a witch?"

Lily shrugged and picked up a menu from the table to hide her reddening face. "We haven't discussed it. Besides he's not my boyfriend—"

"Well, you'd better tell him before you two start anything up. Relationships only work with honesty," Sirius lectured, and James threw a napkin at his face.

"Like you'd know! You just like to get around!" He hollered, and the old witches shushed their table again.

Mary laughed louder than she should have, in Lily's opinion, matched only by Peter who was suffering from a bout of his characteristic nervous laughter.

Lily put the menu down to see Sirius flipping his bangs out of his face. "At least I get somewhere," he teased, smiling and showing his straight, white teeth. Despite his obviously large ego, Lily had to admit to herself that she could see why Mary found him so attractive.

James went bright red, but Mary smiled unworriedly. She slung her arm around his shoulder and rubbed his chest. "We get places though, don't we, James?" she purred. Lily noticed Sirius gazing at the couple, and she wondered what he was thinking.

"Ha ha ha, wow, blimey," said James in a high voice, and put his hand on her knee. Sirius looked away. Lily felt somewhere between uncomfortable and amused. How did Mary know how to act so confident?

Remus seemed to sense her discomfort and he leaned in. "Thank Godric you're here," he said quietly, with a small smile. "They're all driving me mad. Before you came in, they were all arguing about whether…er… whether blow jobs count as sex. I almost hid under the table."

Lily giggled, though she'd have to ask Mary later for a synopsis of the discussion. "Poor you," she said, and patted Remus' shoulder.

"What are you two getting so cozy for?" James asked noisily, and Remus instantly scooted back from Lily again. "Telling secrets? I want to hear."

"We're just discussing how loud and annoying you are," said Lily coolly.

The group broke anew into laughter, and James feigned sadness. "Even you, Wormtail?" he asked, and Peter immediately stopped laughing.

"No, I—I don't think you're annoying, Prongs, not at all!" Peter exclaimed.

Sirius laughed so hard he started coughing and banging on the table. "Wormtail, you're on more of a leash than I am—"

"Sorry," Lily said, "but what's with the weird things you call each other?"

"They're nicknames," said Mary, before the boys could answer. "Aren't they funny? James is Prongs, Peter is Wormtail, Remus is Moony, and Sirius is Padfoot!"

"Yes, but why?" asked Lily.

"Because it's cool," James said.

"Yeah, it's really nothing," said Remus quietly.

Lily rolled her eyes at James. "Everything you do is cool in your opinion though, isn't it? _Prongs?"_

"Yeah, it kind of is," he said haughtily. "It's nice even a bookworm nerd like you notices how cool I am—"

The group looked back and forth at them as though watching a Muggle tennis match.

"Yes, but it's easy to see how cool you think you are, James," responded Lily tersely, her cheeks pink, "it's practically written on your forehead that you've got an ego the size of a small country."

"_Ooh," _Sirius said and Mary laughed, just as a waiter came to take their order. James raised his eyebrows at Lily and grinned. She looked away, irritated. After the waiter left, there was a small gap of silence.

"Wellll, this is awkward," said Peter, and laughed.

"It wasn't until now," Sirius put in. "So, what's everyone been up to this summer? I'll start. I've been avoiding my family, avoiding my family, _and_ did I say I wasavoiding my family?—"

"He's going to stay with me starting today," James cut in excitedly, while rubbing Mary's knee in a very rigid pattern. "My parents are allowing him to be in the guest house for the entire summer! And Wormtail and Moony—er—" he shot a look at Lily—"I mean PETER and REMUS will be visiting next week. WHOOPEE!"

"Mischief will definitely be managed," Sirius said and waggled his brow. All the boys laughed and jostled each other. Mary giggled. Lily wondered how much longer she could put up with Sirius and James. They were easier to stand in small doses.

"What's wrong with your family?" asked Lily conversationally, taking a sip from her water glass.

"What isn't? Their cauldrons don't really bubble right, if you get my meaning. My mother's a banshee. Well, not literally, though I have tried to trace her ancestry just in case. My father is a slave driver. My cousins—well, say no more, save for Andy they're totally barmey. Narcissa's going with Malfoy now, as you all have probably seen. It's dreadful the way they flounce around. And my brother is a spoiled little idiot who gets worse every day and won't stop talking about his slimy friends. Oh, and now he thinks he's some big Quidditch star. He's going to start next fall and I've given Prongs my permission to beat him at every game, even if he has to knock him off his broom—"

"Which will be absolutely no problem," James put in. "Didn't you say Regulus is off at some sort of creepy party this weekend at the Malfoy Manor?"

Lily paled and focused on the tablecloth.

Sirius nodded. "Lucius Malfoy's eighteenth birthday bash. Kill me now. My brother packed most of his room into a suitcase this morning. I'm sure he's going to make at least a million outfit changes all weekend to look cool in front of—" he pinched his face into a tight sneer and drawled out a very accurate impression—" _Lucius Malfoy._ My parents are absolutely smitten with the Malfoys, they want to lick their boots. It's as if no one noticed how fast they got rich—I for one think there's something fishy going on. And apparently, _the manor_—" Sirius sneered like Lucius again—"has like a billion rooms, and a labyrinth out back, and I'm sure they're just going to spend the entire weekend acting _cool _and _creepy. _I'm so glad I'm not in Slytherin_—_"

"I heard about that from Severus, how big it is," Lily said without thinking. She instantly paled. Mary shot her a look that clearly said, '_Why are you mentioning HIM?'_

"Snivellus got invited to a party?" burst out James and cracked up laughing.

Sirius chuckled. "Yeah, I'm sure it's Snivellus' one big hurrah. I can't imagine he's wanted anywhere else. Certainly seems no one wanted him at home—"

"Did you SEE the way he acted around his dad? I mean, that had to be his dad, right? They both had the same disturbingly huge nose," said James.

"Could you all just stop talking about him? Please?" urged Lily, feeling stupid for slipping up and bringing Severus into this.

Mary waved her hand in the air. "Yes, I told you, that's Lily's friend. So just quit it."

"Yes, Mary," said James, making a face. She kissed his cheek and they proceeded to snog in front of everyone. Lily watched to see if she could see a technique, but it mostly looked like Mary was biting James' face off.

Sirius put a napkin over his head. "So, how about everyone else?"

"My aunt and uncle came for a visit with my cousins," offered up Peter, giggling to himself. "We went to the seaside and I got rather burned. My mother gave me a lot of money to water her plants. Most of them are false, so I'm not complaining! Mostly, I just sat 'round waiting for post from all of you," he finished.

"Fascinating, Wormtail," Sirius said, punching Peter in the shoulder. The napkin fluttered into his lap. "And you, Moony? Having a howling good summer?"

"Get stuffed," said Remus, rolling his eyes.

"Hope your days have been FULL of fun," James said.

"Shut it", said Remus.

"I'll imagine you've been having a good time, but be sure to owl us if things get hairy," Sirius said.

Remus put his head in his hands and shook it slowly from side to side. The waiter came with the food, and began setting plates down on the table.

"Oh good," said Mary, "I wasn't sure how much of that I could stand. You're all so weird sometimes!"

* * *

><p>"You all know Severus Snape of course," announced Lucius as he led Severus into the same large parlour they'd been in on his last visit. Regulus waved from the floor where he was petting one of Lucius' large snarling dogs, Mulciber and Avery sneered from the long couch, Narcissa raised a fluted wine glass and smiled primly, and Bellatrix smiled widely, arm-in-arm with a very muscular bloke.<p>

"Ah," Lucius went on properly. "Except for you, Macnair. Meet Severus."

"Hello, little baby Snape," greeted Bellatrix huskily, uncrossing her legs. "This is my new beau." She winked.

"First name's Walden. Or you can call me Mac," Macnair grunted in a thick Scottish accent, and extended his tremendous hand to shake. Severus walked forward and shook it, feeling as though his own hand might crumble.

"Severus, I was wondering when you'd get here!" Regulus said. "Did you know that Lucius has all sorts of different brooms and we can use them all? Mulciber and I have been practicing all afternoon! We'll be ready to smash Potter in no time! We're going to be sure to beat him at every Quidditch game."

"I'm hoping I'll knock him off his broom and give him a concussion. Maybe he'll wake up and be a less awful person," said Mulciber smirking. Everyone exploded into laughter. Severus smiled.

"You're loads taller than when I last saw you, Snapey," cackled Bellatrix, leaning over Macnair's broad chest. "You look like a big boy now!"

"It happens to people," said Severus dryly, but his insides squirmed. Bellatrix was still extremely sexy. "They get taller as they age."

"Not everyone," said Regulus solemnly, "look at Flitwick."

"We're speaking about normal people, Regulus. Not halfbreeds," Bellatrix said, and smiled, her black eyes glittering like beetles with flapping wings. "Well, sit, Snape. Get comfy. I'm _dying_ to know what _interesting_ things you've been up to."

Severus winced at her sarcastic tone, but it was Lucius who replied: "Mind your tongue, Bellatrix. I told you, he's made up tons of curses. You'd do well to learn a few."

Bellatrix snorted, and settled back on the couch, her short-cut green robes pulling up over her hips. "I'll decide that for myself. More brandy," she commanded, and a house elf instantly appeared.

"Yes, Mistress Black," it said, and bowed deeply, pouring her another glass.

"I can't imagine how you train your elves so well," said Bellatrix, taking a heavy drink of her beverage. "It's almost unnerving—"

"Only the best," replied Lucius, settling in the large chair beside Mulciber and Avery. "Of course, the way your family operates, it seems you _like _when they mess up."

"I do enjoy beheading them," said Bellatrix.

Severus looked around at everyone. "You're kidding."

"Does that scare you, baby Snape?" asked Bellatrix. The others laughed.

"Not really," Severus replied boldly. Bellatrix smiled, but her eyes flashed. She settled back again.

"Would you like something to drink, Mr. Snape?" asked the house elf in a desperate bow.

"Nothing…er, thanks," said Severus, eying the table, which had several good-looking finger foods upon it. He hoped it would be time to eat soon.

Instantly, Lucius looked at Bellatrix nervously. "He's not used to house elves," he explained quickly at her angry expression.

"Clearly," she said. "He'll have a brandy, too," she said, and it took a moment for Severus to realize she was addressing the house elf, because she was looking straight ahead. "We're celebrating. He's only being polite. Only hell knows why."

"I said I'm fine," Severus said quickly.

"Don't you drink, Snape?" asked Mulciber amusedly. He muttered something to Avery, who laughed.

"Of course I do," lied Severus instantly, "I just—don't want anything now, that's all!"

"Just take a touch, Severus," said Lucius. "I want everyone to have a good time at my party."

"Do your parents mind?" asked Severus.

"Mind what?" Lucius asked. "Get him the brandy. Or a glass of honey wine."

"Yes, try the wine," said Narcissa pleasantly.

The house elf hesitated.

"GET HIM A DRINK!" screamed Bellatrix.

Looking extremely flustered, the house elf snapped its fingers and handed Severus both a goblet of brandy and a glass of red wine. Awkwardly, Severus took the alcohol as the house elf bowed so deeply its nose touched the floor and then disappeared.

"I hardly need all this," Severus said, trying not to stumble over his words. He was very nervous. He hadn't planned on drinking at this event, but it seemed as though there was no other way. Perhaps he could pretend? But he figured Bellatrix would never let that slide, and Lucius was very observant, also. As a matter of fact, he realized that everyone present would notice, even Regulus, who was always the first to tell someone if they had food on their face or bogies in their nose. _Goddamned Slytherins, _thought Severus glumly, _you can't get anything past us, really_. He'd obviously have to drink, but perhaps he could get by with only a little.

"Save it," Bellatrix said, "it will save you needing a drink next time." She drained her glass and hollered for another.

The doors to the room opened and in strutted Malfoy's parents, arm-in-arm, followed by a very dapper looking man who appeared to be Abraxus' age. He had dark brown hair that looked as though it had been curled in front and was wearing a very expensive looking suit with shiny black shoes. He smiled with his very full lips.

"Tom!" said Lucius, hopping off his chair, which Severus felt was hardly necessary. But everyone else in the room seemed alert as well. Bellatrix uncrossed her legs and smiled. "Hello, Tom," she said, sounding mature. The rest mumbled similar greetings.

Lucius gestured across the room. "This is Severus Snape, Tom, another of my friends—"

Severus staggered to his feet clumsily, trying to balance the two drinks. "Nice to… meet you," he said quietly, and met the man's eyes. They were interesting; even from across the room, Severus could see that they had a red tinge. _Cool, _he thought.

Tom smiled and walked forward, and the room fell silent. "And a pleasure to meet you too, Severus Snape. I'm Tom Riddle. Lucius tells me you are quite prolific in inventing spells." He had a quiet, lazy sort of voice that was both sophisticated and pleasant to listen to. He stuck out his hand and then chortled, eying the drinks. "I see you've got your work cut out for you."

"It was a mistake… the house elf…" Severus put the drinks down on the table and shook Riddle's hand. It was long and smooth, with a snake's head ring. "Cool ring."

Bellatrix and several of the others twittered as though Severus had made a stupid error in speaking, but Riddle just smiled.

"Isn't it just the best piece you've ever seen?" asked Tom, raising up his hand so that the snake's jeweled eyes flickered gorgeously in the light of the chandelier that hung over their heads. "I bought it from a vendor from India. Of course, one isn't always so lucky. One must sometimes search around to find the right thing for quite some time."

"I really like it, too," Bellatrix offered, and Severus noticed that she was jutting out her cleavage rather a lot.

Tom wiggled his fingers in her direction; the ring shone. "You have excellent taste, my dear Bellatrix."

Bellatrix bowed her head. "Thank you, Tom." MacNair looked at her strangely, which Severus could understand. He'd never seen her act so kind to someone before. Feeling odder than usual, Severus backed up and sat down. To his chagrin, Tom sat next to him. He instantly felt watched, and not only because everyone in the room had swiveled around. Abraxus and Diana took seats next to Lucius, chatting quietly.

"Want one of these?" Severus asked out of the side of his mouth while gesturing to the drinks and Tom held up his hand.

"Ah, no thank you, Severus. I prefer to drink a simple vodka sour with lemon." Instantly, a house elf appeared with the drink. "Wonderful," Tom said, but in the direction of Abraxus. "So… this is the new generation. Superb," he said, and took a dignified sip of his drink. "Severus, I have been speaking to Lucius' other friends about the deterioration of Hogwarts. They've informed me of all sorts of scandal. What is your opinion on the subject?"

Bellatrix laughed. "Pardon me, Tom, but Snape _loves_ Hogwarts… Don't you, Snape?—"

Mulciber and Avery snickered.

"As well he should, Bellatrix," put in Tom icily, and Bellatrix's face fell. "It is not Hogwarts that is the problem. Hogwarts is still a remarkable institution that has all sorts of opportunities for magical students. The problem has never been Hogwarts."

"Forgive me. I misspoke," Bellatrix said.

"You're keen, Bellatrix. But sometimes a bit critical," said Tom and raised his glass. "My point is, when I was young, Hogwarts was all I really had. I do not wish to bore you all with my life story, but Hogwarts was my home. My heart aches for how it has fallen in Dumbledore's hands—"

Severus felt a jolt of empathy for Riddle. He felt the very same about Hogwarts; save for the promise of seeing Lily during the breaks, he wished he never had to leave. Remembering the run-in with Black and how Dumbledore had dealt with the situation so nonchalantly, Severus couldn't help but wonder how much better it must have been without him. He had no idea what house Dumbledore had been in, but he was willing to bet all the coins he had that it wasn't Slytherin. The old man was clearly biased.

Abraxus shook his head angrily. "I have been trying to force Albus to step down—there should be a law… A cut-off age, perhaps one hundred and thirty?" A few of the others laughed, but Tom stayed serious.

"A worthy effort, Abraxus. But perhaps your time should be spent more prudently, my friend. The public loves Dumbledore—they love foolish dreams that stay alive for far too many years. And without the public…Nothing." He smiled and shrugged to himself slightly. Then suddenly, he looked around, his strange eyes blinking quickly. "I am hoping you will all be the generation to change things for the better," Tom said, and raised his glass again. "To Hogwarts, the way it should be."

The others murmured the same toast, and Severus quickly picked up the closest glass and put it in the air. Tom took a sip and smiled down at him, and so Severus drank to the toast. He was pleasantly surprised at the taste of the wine. It was sweet and palatable, unlike the vodka he'd tried last winter in every way. He found himself taking another sip almost immediately. While the others chattered, Tom stuck up a conversation between the two of them. He had a way of making Severus feel grown-up and important. Immediately, Severus realized he did not dumb down words or leave out details. He seemed to regard Severus as an equal.

"I'm hoping," said Tom quietly, "that we will get to know each other better over the course of this year, Severus. Have you wondered about what you'd like to do post-Hogwarts?"

"I'm planning on running a shop, an Apothecary," Severus said and Tom smiled.

"Interesting indeed. But from what Lucius tells me, you might be better suited for something more ambitious. Not that owning a store wouldn't be a nice side job," he remarked conversationally, stirring his drink with a long, white finger and then dabbing the finger on the green silk handkerchief that was sticking out of his suit jacket pocket.

Severus took another drink and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "What do you mean, ambitious? I mean, I know what the word is, I just—"

Tom leaned forward. "I have ideas, Severus. Revolutionary ideas that will change the way the wizarding world operates. Did you know that before the Muggle and Wizard wars, our kind was not shut away? We were able to practice magic every day, in every situation?"

Severus nodded. "Yeah, I've read loads of books on it. Some from Lucius, and some from my mum. Magic used to be an art—"

"Your mother? Hmm. Good girl," said Tom favorably. "Not to pry, but I am supposing she is a Pureblood?"

"Yeah," Severus said. "My family, we're the Princes—I mean, my dad's a Snape, but he's… well… He's not worth mentioning. I disowned him."

"I understand. My, how I understand," said Tom quietly, sipping his drink. To Severus' surprise, Tom patted him on the arm reassuringly. Severus couldn't think back to anytime where he'd been touched like that by an adult man. He felt strongly supported. His father had only ever touched him to slap him, to strangle him, to throw him against walls. "Prince, Prince," Tom continued, looking up in thought. "Prince is a worthy name, a Pureblood name. Have you thought about changing yours? To discredit your father? It might free you, Severus."

Severus nodded slowly. "I hadn't really thought… That's a good idea!"

Tom smiled enigmatically. "I believe I may have known your grandfather, Severus. A Slytherin, I presume?"

"All of my family have been in Slytherin, save for a few in Ravenclaw," Severus said, draining his glass of wine and wiping his mouth on his sleeve again. Suddenly starving, he reached for one of the snacks on the table. "Do you remember anything about him? My grandfather?"

"I need to think more about that, but as Prefect for three years and as Head Boy, I had the great pleasure of familiarizing myself with many of the students. I recall that your grandfather was quiet, but like so many others at that time, completely consumed with the attacks associated with the Chamber of Secrets—"

"The Chamber of Secrets?" asked Severus excitedly. "I've read about it—my friend Li—well…" he corrected himself quickly, and detected a shift in Tom's face as though he was wondering why Severus had redirected himself. "One of my friends is really obsessed with scary stories and myths and stuff, and she told me all about it. They say there was a monster, Salazar Slytherin's monster, and—"

"There _was _a monster, but it was not at all Slytherin's charge. A hapless idiot who I happened to go to school with at Hogwarts had a nasty habit of raising terrible pets—one of his pets happened to kill a poor girl. I made the truth known, and the student was supposed to be locked away, but Dumbledore was much too forgiving. According to Abraxus, the student is still employed by Dumbledore these days. No doubt you know him. But I am not a gossip," he said adroitly.

_Pets, _thought Severus in interest, _who keeps strange pets at Hogwarts? _

Bellatrix leaned in again and scowled. "Snape, what are you doing in the food? No one's started eating yet—honestly, I can't believe Lucius invited you—"

Severus' ears turned red, and he went to put back the food on the table but Tom grabbed his hand to stop him.

"Bellatrix," he said frigidly, "this is the second time you've been rude to my new friend Severus. I hope you treat guests better in your own home, but I highly doubt it. Judging from the stories I've heard."

Macnair snorted, and Bellatrix looked crestfallen. "I'm sorry, my—I'm sorry, Tom. If you came to my family's house, I'd treat you with utmost hospitality. It's just—Severus really isn't like us, I'm only just becoming used to his presence—"

"You'd do well to get used to it quickly, Bellatrix. Lucius and Severus are rather close. And I trust Lucius' opinions," said Tom frankly. "Forgive us. It's rude to speak about one as if he is not there," he said, releasing Severus' arm and turning back to face him.

Bellatrix dropped Macnair's hand and rushed out of the room. Narcissa followed.

"Poor Bellatrix," Tom said. "She's a very jealous girl—"

Before Severus could ask why, they were interrupted.

"Tom," called out Abraxus, standing up. "Come, walk with my wife and I. We'd like to discuss your budget before the night is out, and I'm certain that Lucius would like to entertain his friends without his tiresome father around. Isn't that right, Lucius?"

Tom put out his hand again and Severus shook it firmly. "Good to know you, Severus," he said. "I hope to see more of you soon. I can tell that we will have some interesting discussion topics."

"Yes, er, thanks," fumbled Severus, feeling self-conscious but also proud he'd made such a good impression on Tom Riddle. After all, the man certainly seemed important.

* * *

><p>After lunch, Lily and the others strolled around Diagon Alley, arguing about where to go and what to do next. Peter was the easiest—he simply followed James around and did whatever the be-speckled boy wanted, like a trained giggling pet. Sirius wanted to pour over new clothes, as he'd decided upon a dragon hide jacket but had no idea what color he wanted. Mary wanted to survey love potions and tonics at the Apothecary, but everyone else talked her out of it (<em>"Don't be scary,"<em> James had said). James was stuck on Quidditch worse than ever, and said he'd be happy to spend his entire life in the broom supply store, which Lily was not about to put up with. She wanted to go to Flourish and Blots and Remus agreed, so the group broke apart, agreeing to meet back up later for ice cream.

"I'm glad it's just us," Remus said as they browsed a section on voodoo. "I really like being around James, Sirius and Peter but sometimes they're hard for me to keep up with."

Lily gave him a Look. "Why? Are stupid jokes not your strong suit? Sorry, but I think you're much nicer than the others. James and Sirius, at least. Peter's just unusual."

"I think they're awesome though," said Remus earnestly, his eyes wide and serious. "I wish I was more like them. They're so collected and—"

"Conceited," finished Lily. "I really don't like it. I prefer you the way you are, Remus. I think you should be happy you're not like them."

"Thanks Lily," he said, flipping open a book and half-heartedly turning the pages. "You always say the right things. But if you knew the whole truth, you'd probably prefer them to me. I'm not exactly normal."

"Look, I know you have health issues," Lily began, "but I don't think that's a setback at all. If you ever need any help—tutoring, a study partner, anything, really—just let me know. I still feel bad about that paper that got jinxed. We'll just have to be more careful next time. People can be so cruel!"

Remus smiled widely and nodded. "That would be great, Lily—I'd like that! You're such a good student—I'd be happy to study more with you. Maybe then I could get on track instead of always falling so behind."

"Just let me know when you're feeling under the weather and I can get notes to you as soon as I can. That way, you should be more on time with your assignments. Your work is always great—sometimes it's just rushed. But really, they should give you more of a break if you're sick—"

Remus shook his head. "I don't want them treating me differently. I told Dumbledore that and he agreed, he said he wanted me treated like a normal student as much as possible—"

"What's so abnormal about you?" Lily asked hotly, putting her hand on her hip. "Just who gets to judge what's normal and what's not? I think you're brilliant, Remus-"

Remus' face got a little pink and he averted his gaze. "I'm sure lucky to have you as a friend. So, who's this bloke you're seeing in your neighborhood? Mary made him out to be somewhat dark and mysterious—hope he's not too dark, ha ha—"

"Ugh, _Mary," _Lily said, embarrassed. "She can't keep a secret for more than an hour. It's really no big deal at all, it's just someone who might fancy me and I sort of like him as well. He's not exactly mysterious at all. He's just kind of different."

"Oh, well that's good," said Remus dubiously. "Is it like a serious type of relationship?"

"I don't even know what that _means,_" Lily said, ducking down to survey a book on famous healers. "It's not a relationship at all, at least, not yet. I don't even know how to have one of those, honestly. I look at Mary and James, and I don't even know how they know what to do—"

"I know," Remus agreed. "It's weird. I'm clueless about all of it. I'd want to learn, though."

"Me too!" said Lily brightly. "Do you like anyone in particular?"

Remus turned around quickly to look at a row of upper level spell books. "No, not anyone, not really. It's hard being mates with Sirius sometimes. Honestly, he's a lot to live up to-"

"Why, because he kisses people and brags about it all over the school? Sirius is just too vain for me," Lily said, making a face.

"Not _all _over the school," corrected Sirius, stepping into the aisle from behind them. "You don't see me talking about it on the toilet when I'm trying to have a—"

"Hello, you two," interrupted Mary quickly, following from behind him, holding James' hand. Lily's faced burned, and she glared at Sirius. He grinned. "We basically had to drag James away from the new Cleansweeps. Didn't we, honey?" Mary asked, ruffling James' hair.

"Glad to know someone of the female gender isn't swept away by Sirius' charming good looks," commented James, chuckling. "This proves he hasn't drugged the entire female population at Hogwarts with love potion, only most of them—"

"Shut up, Prongs. I just happen to be very lucky with the ladies," winked Sirius. "Besides, I'd never drug anyone. I'll leave that kind of behavior to someone like Snivellus—"

"Quit," said Lily harshly, whacking Sirius on the shoulder with the heavy book she'd been holding. "Severus wouldn't do that."

"Men do desperate things to get action," said James. "Don't put it past your slithery little buddy—"

"I'm telling you he wouldn't," Lily spat. "You certainly seem to know a lot about it, though."

"Lily," Mary said, giving her a funny look. "He's joking."

James ruffled his hair and smiled. "I'm just saying, Evans, be sure to thoroughly inspect your morning porridge. Unless you want to be ravished by the one and only Snivellus, which, if that's the case I can tell him personally and save him the trouble. Be sure to lay down a cover over your sheets or else he'll get grease all over your bed—"

Mary frowned and dropped his hand. "Don't talk to her like that!"

"I _don't _fancy Severus! You're the worst! The absolute worst person I know!" snapped Lily, tears springing in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Mary, I'm going…" She stomped out of the aisle, feeling the tears begin to roll down her face. She could hear Remus and Mary calling after her, and Sirius laughing. She even heard Mary loudly telling James off. That was all she cared to hear before she rushed out of the shop, slamming the door.

"Lily! Hey Lily, stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" cried Mary, rushing after Lily and turning her around. Lily's face was red and the tears were flowing fast. "Oh, Lily… I'm sorry—he was being foul. He's just a stupid berk who tries showing off in front of Sirius because it makes him feel cool, or something—I don't know. I told him no one talks to my best mate that way. Look, everyone knows you don't fancy Sni—Snape. Look at you, Lily. You're beautiful and brilliant, even when your face is the color of a crab and your nose is running." Despite herself, Lily giggled and Mary gave her a hug. "They'd all be lucky to have you, all the boys," Mary went on, "most of all Snape. You're loads better than him. No one thinks you're thinking of getting into bed with him; that would be crazy."

Tears kept running down Lily's face and she nodded, feeling both glad to have a friend like Mary and horrible that she was failing her other best friend. She didn't want to think about how Severus would feel if he'd seen that event unfold. He'd surely be hurt. Lily sobbed harder at the thought of it, and Mary squeezed her in another hug.

"Oy! It was only a joke, a stupid joke at that!" called out James. The rest of the boys hurried along behind him quietly. "I'm very sorry!" His voice was earnest and innocent, which in Lily's opinion made it worse.

"I told you, you're foul. Get out of here. We don't want to see you!" Mary said firmly. "I'll owl you when I'm not mad."

"Lily," said James desperately. "I mean it—"

"Go away, Potter," Lily croaked.

Sirius sighed. "Come on, Prongs. We really should leave." He put his arm around his friend's shoulder and wordlessly, the boys walked off down the street. Peter could be heard giggling quietly.

"Idiots," said Mary, flinging back her long hair. "Come on. I'll buy you a treat at Honeydukes and we can chat. Forget about them." They sat in the café side of Honeydukes where, true to her word, Mary bought them butterscotch fudge and a rose cupcake to split. Feeling unable to lie any further about her mounting attraction to Severus, Lily feigned shyness and instead let Mary go on and on about how James had finally made out with her but that it had been quite uncomfortable and wet. Lily hoped that this so-called relationship with Potter wouldn't last too much longer. She had no idea how she was going to put up with seeing so much more of him.

* * *

><p>"Happy birthday, Lucius!" Regulus exclaimed after they'd all finished singing a very odd rendition of <em>Happy Birthday. <em>Macnair had a very strong and practiced baritone voice, Bellatrix (whose mood had improved drastically after her fourth brandy) improvised with dirty words, Narcissa was an airy soprano, Rosier (who had only just arrived) clapped her hands vigorously and tapped her feet, and Severus spoke the words, since he'd never been able to carry a tune. "What did you wish for?"

Lucius looked up from a large raspberry tart, the candles of which he'd just extinguished, and smirked at Regulus. "If I tell you, there is absolutely no way it will come true."

"I had no idea you were so knowledgeable about birthdays," Bellatrix crooned. "I'll bet you wished for my sister to give you a private show!" Narcissa whispered something in her ear and the sisters began to quarrel quietly. Tom Riddle and Lucius' parents had left the party, and it was shaping up to be a very good time. They'd eaten a delicious supper of baked pumpkins stuffed with cheese, vegetables and sausage, and Lucius, Bellatrix and Macnair had told stories from when they'd just started at Hogwarts. Macnair had told a particularly funny story about the pranks he'd played on a Muggle-loving dolt named Weasley. Several more of Lucius' friends had stopped by, including two called Crabbe and Goyle, Rita Skeeter (who sneered dangerously at Narcissa—it was clear she wasn't interested in Lucius for friendship), and Gilderoy Lockhart had even stopped in for a quick drink. Fortunately for Severus, he was more concerned with talking to Lucius about how fabulous his summer had been to bother him. Severus had never been around people his own age drinking, but his schoolmates did so effortlessly it was as though they'd done it every day of their lives. Severus had felt funny enough after he'd drank half the brandy, and had stopped, vowing to continue his wish to never become drunk.

Rosier slipped in between Severus and Mulciber. "Hi there, boys. Good summer?" She'd cut her hair shorter and was wearing a very small skirt. Severus wondered if she was trying to be cute. It made him a little sick.

"So far, so good," said Avery, joining them. "I'll have you all know I've been studying the Unforgivable Curses—"

"What's the use in that?" asked Severus jealously. He wished he was studying them. Now Avery was probably going to think he was better at the Dark Arts. "We can't even test them out on people without getting in trouble—"

"Wally," said Mulciber. "Only if we get _caught."_

"I'm not a wally and you're stupid," Severus said. "What are you going to do, kill someone? Please." He rolled his eyes.

"Would you all stop bickering?" Rosier asked loudly. "Honestly. I think we need to start planning how to keep the dueling club going. We are, aren't we?"

Severus' heart sank. "You're keeping me in it, right?"

"Of course we are, Snape. You have all those books, and too many good ideas," Rosier said. Avery and Mulciber nodded, but looked a bit put out. Severus didn't care, as long as they weren't casting him out of his own club.

"Who's Tom Riddle, anyway?" Rosier went on quietly.

"A friend of Lucius' family. The Blacks vacationed with him last summer, and he's trying to become acquainted with all of us," answered Mulciber. "Smart man, really. I quite liked him."

"Because I heard Bellatrix and Narcissa arguing about him as I came in," Rosier whispered. "It sounded like Bellatrix was eager to be betrothed to him, but Narcissa didn't think it was going to happen. Was he a good-looking man, Riddle?"

Mulciber sighed. "We're not homosexuals, Evan. We didn't notice."

Severus and Avery nodded quickly, although Severus wasn't quite certain what that meant.

The evening was very relaxed, especially after Bellatrix had passed out in one of the guest rooms. Narcissa played a bit of piano, and they drank and chatted until late into the night, when Lucius put on some records. At first, Severus wondered how his friend knew of Muggle music, but Lucius explained to them that David Bowie was as much of a Muggle as he was; he was just secretive about being magic. Lucius and Narcissa danced, Lucius spinning her smoothly across the floor. _"Ground control to major Tom," _crooned the record player. _"Commencing countdown engines on."_

Severus felt very grown-up, and was still feeling pleasantly warm from his prior serving of alcohol. Everyone argued over who was more of a Slytherin. Mulciber was convinced he'd been sorted quickest, but Severus argued that he had been. Narcissa put in that the hat had told her she would not fit in any of the other houses—that she was a perfect fit for Slytherin. Lucius had trouble believing anyone was more of a Slytherin than him, but strangely, Regulus kept silent. Around two in the morning, Severus and the other boys were shown to their rooms and Evan bid them goodnight, disappointedly walking to her room on the third floor. Mulciber invited them to hang out in his room until they were tired.

"I'm drunk," he said triumphantly, stretching. "I had three glasses full of wine—"

"I had two cups of mead," said Regulus brightly, and promptly fell asleep in an armchair.

"I tried gin," said Avery. "I think I'm drunker than you." They looked to Severus.

"I'm drunk enough," he said.

Mulciber rolled his eyes. "Don't lie, Snape. You're not drunk at all—"

"Well, what's wrong with that?" Severus asked. "I had enough—"

"Who cares? I feel great," Avery grinned. "Rosier was looking good, don't you both think? I wanted to put my hand up that little skirt."

Severus tried not to make a face. In his opinion, Rosier looked and acted like a boy and her new haircut made that even more obvious. "Not my style," he said proudly.

"Yeah, she's all yours," Mulciber said. "I'm sure she'd go for you, too. You should try. Though I'd be afraid she'd try to beat you if you got too saucy—"

"I could take her," said Avery loudly. "Well, who do you two fancy, if Rosier's not good enough for you?"

"Narcissa," Mulciber said instantly. "She's got great legs. I was hard all night looking at her. If Lucius weren't so important, I'd fuck her instantly."

Severus was awed at Mulciber's self-assurance. But then again, he had the sort of chiseled features and attitude that girls seemed to like. Gritting his teeth, Severus felt a bit resentful. He hardly thought he could even pretend to be so self-assured about women. Lily was different, of course. She appreciated him. _Lots of love, _he thought, and pleasant chills went up his spine. He was afraid they'd ask who he fancied, but they'd all ready moved on.

"What have you done with a girl?" Avery was asking Mulciber. "I've snogged—"

"Who?" asked Mulciber.

"Muruvi Paradigm."

"The Gryffindor?" Severus asked, in shock. He wondered if Lily knew, being that Lily hated Avery tremendously. In Severus' opinion, this made the quiet Muruvi much more interesting.

"_Yes, _the Gryffindor. Don't look so horrified, Snape. She's very good-looking. Our parents are close friends. Besides, she _should _have been a Slytherin. Who knows why she's not. We kissed at her Christmas party last year—"

"Where?" Mulciber wanted to know, laughing. "Under the mistletoe?" Avery looked down, obviously discomfited. Severus grinned. "Ha! That doesn't count, everyone kisses under the mistletoe. I actually kissed Zabini, on the lips, mouth open, at school. Outside. No mistletoe."

"Which Zabini?" asked Avery. "Rainworth?"

Mulciber shoved him. "Don't be disgusting. I'm not a bloody wanker. No, of course not. His sister, you ass. She's the best looking girl in our year, don't you think?"

Severus nodded instantly although the real answer was that Lily was, hands down, the best looking girl at Hogwarts. And probably all of England, and maybe the world. "Don't you want to know what I've done?" he asked suddenly, surprising himself.

Mulciber and Avery exchanged looks. "You're terrified of girls, Snape. I doubt you've ever even hugged one," said Mulciber, sniggering.

"Don't be so sure," Severus said, and he crossed his arms defiantly. "There's this girl… she lives near me back at home. She's way better looking than anyone at Hogwarts, better than Zabini and Narcissa put together. She showed me her tits once and I showed her my dick." The boys stopped laughing and fell silent, taking in his every word. "She's got really big ones, too. Really nice ones. And only just a short time ago, I felt her up—her boobs and her…" He gestured down below.

"Her _pussy?" _burst out Avery.

"Yeah, through the front of her jeans," Severus said, swallowing.

"How did it feel?" quizzed Avery.

"Well, it felt like the front of her jeans," Severus said awkwardly. "And her tits felt soft. Besides that, she fancies me."

"Who is she?"

"Is she a Muggle?" snapped Mulciber. "Or does she go to Hogwarts?"

"Neither," said Severus, shaking slightly. "She goes to another school, a faraway one."

Mulciber and Avery exchanged looks again and burst out laughing. "That was a good story, Snape. I almost believed you, until you got to the bit where you said she fancies you," said Mulciber.

"A faraway school," Avery mused. "That was the funniest part. Girls don't like you, Snape. They think you're gross. But I mean… it's all right by me. That's why you can be cool sometimes."

Severus scowled, the vein in his temple pulsing.

"Yeah, they're afraid you'll curse them or set their owls on fire," Mulciber grinned, stretching out on his bed. "You really freaked them out with that bird."

"Not every girl thinks I'm gross!"

"Own it, Snape," Avery instructed.

Irritated, Severus bid them goodnight and went to bed, mentally swearing at himself. He'd done more than the rest of them, and he couldn't even talk about it. Besides, he thought, pulling off his underpants and scratching his nether regions vigorously, he wasn't _that_ gross.

_Dear Lily, _

_ Lucius' party was actually a great lot of fun. I got to meet several of his friends I had never met before. There was a man named Tom Riddle who it seems I have a lot in common with and he said he may have some ideas about what I should do after school. I still want to open our shop though, of course. Lucius says that I can stay with him for the next couple weeks, until school starts. I just can't go back home, I'm not ready to see my dad again. _

_ Hope your summer is going well. I will look forward to seeing you at the beginning of the year. _

_ -Severus Snape_

He lay awake, thinking about what Riddle had said about changing his name. Using a fresh piece of parchment, Severus practiced writing out the name 'Prince' and then _Severus Prince. _ It sounded great—almost too good. His chest welled with excitement. He could be someone totally different.

* * *

><p>Lily spent a quiet summer corresponding with Mary, Severus and Remus, reading, and trying desperately to get along with Petunia. But Petunia had become fairly busy with a part-time job and her obnoxious friends, which left Lily with Bukowski, Steinem and Betty Friedan. She also spent time watching television and felt up on Muggle current events which she figured would be useful to her somehow. At least she had some new music to listen to (Queen and the BeeGees were her top favorites), and she spent time learning how to curl and tease her hair. When the new school year approached, she felt readier than ever to go back.<p>

At once, she and James continued their adversarial relationship. She'd forgiven him for the comments over the summer, but he'd instantly put himself on her bad side in the first week of school. She didn't understand why he wouldn't leave her alone. It seemed for everything she did, he had rude comment or a joke. He constantly poked her with his quills and his wand. Mary had begged him to quit, but he wouldn't listen. Even Sirius had started telling him to shut up. Lily tried hard to put up with him for Mary's sake but she mostly ended up ignoring him in favor of talking to Remus or Peter. Sirius was going with a Ravenclaw girl for a bit, and then started seeing her friend at the same time, which cast him out of favor for awhile. Lily couldn't help but laugh at him.

She and Severus only had Potions and Divinations together. They were otherwise on opposite schedules and were instantly saddled with loads of homework, which made them both very busy. The first few times they hung out, it was as though nothing (no letters, no touching) had gone on between them. They exchanged details of summer break and helped each other on essays and spells. She was slightly worried for Severus, who seemed to be hanging around his Slytherin housemates more than ever but she supposed that was to be expected—with her busy, he really had no one else. Still, it annoyed her to see him with Mulciber, who made faces and crude gestures whenever Severus wasn't looking.

Finally, in late September, they agreed to a walk in the bright fall weather. Lily explained to Mary that they were only discussing their answers for the History of Magic test. But Mary was irritated. "Tell Snape to make his friend Mulciber leave me be," Mary told her angrily before she left.

"What's Mulciber doing now?" Lily wanted to know, throwing one last glance at herself in the mirror before putting her cloak on.

"Being his usual vile self," Mary said, "he asked me to meet him in the bathroom after class to…" She trailed off, rolled her eyes and made like she was holding onto something and putting it in her mouth. Lily stared at her, confused. "He said somehow it got around that I gave James a blow job, and he wanted one, too. Right. James won't even touch my boobs when he snogs me."

Lily made a face. "He's horrible. Don't listen to him, Mary. I'll try talking to Severus—maybe he can stop him. If not, you should probably go to Slughorn. I don't think he likes him much either, really-"

"Blimey, Lily," Mary said, surveying her. "You've really done yourself up. Where are you going after you meet with Snape?"

"Study session with a few boys in Ravenclaw," Lily lied, blushing. She'd made her hair really wavy and outlined her eyes in purple, since she'd read over the summer that it accentuated green eyes. She figured since this was the first time she and Severus were really hanging out, she should make some sort of effort to look pretty. Before Mary could ask any questions, Lily ran out the door, heading to the lake.

When she arrived, Severus was nowhere in sight, and he didn't show until nearly fifteen minutes later. In comparison to how she looked, he looked rather shoddy, which she supposed she should have expected. This wasn't a date—it was only a walk, and besides, Severus was never very stylish. Still, Lily felt rather self conscious about how much effort she'd put into her appearance. "Sorry," he said, breathless, "dueling club went over. I was trying to teach Rosier a stunning spell, she was rubbish—"

Lily stiffened, feeling a little envious. She had a clear image of Severus with his hands on Rosier's hips, showing her the right way to swivel them to cast her curse. She tried to look unaffected. "It's fine," she said, casting a look around them. "Let's get going. I'd like us to have a good amount of walking before dinner." They started off around the border of the lake, which was rippling pleasantly.

"Did you just get back from somewhere fancy?" he asked, staring at her outfit, and Lily blushed.

"Er—yes," she fibbed. "I had tea with some people."

"What people?" asked Severus, and he sounded angry. "Potter and them?"

"No," Lily said, matching his tone. "Not them. Why do you ask?"

"Because it seems like you're always with them—"

"Am not. I can't stand Potter. I only hang around them because of Mary."

Severus made a face. "How's that going? I hear they've gone pretty far."

"I was going to mention that," Lily said, surveying his face. "You need to tell Mulciber to stop spreading around rumors. He was being awful to her. She hasn't done anything with Potter past kissing, not that you need to know that—"

"It's not like I wanted to know, either," Severus retorted. "I can't believe you still hang around Mary, she's a huge blabbermouth."

"And Mulciber's bloody disgusting," Lily said, narrowing her eyes. "Either you tell him to quit or I'm going to Slughorn."

"Don't do that. You'll lose us house points. Mulciber's just playing around," whined Severus. "Tell Mary to stop taking things so seriously."

"But Sev, Mulciber makes sexual gestures around me, too," said Lily urgently.

Severus' face immediately clouded over with seriousness. "He ought to not do that," he said firmly, "I'll say something. Stupid bastard."

"You're so weird," laughed Lily, glad they were no longer arguing. It had been too long since they'd really hung out, and she had no intention of wasting their time fighting over something so silly. "Severus."

"Hm?," he said, looking at her funny.

"Look," she said, trying to hide the waver in her voice. It was now or never. "We never talked about… what happened."

Severus halted in his tracks. "Mmhm," he said quietly, averting his gaze.

"Please don't make this hard," she begged, "I'm trying to talk about it so we can… so we can keep things the way they are. I just… If we don't ever talk about it, it's just going to be this thing that we don't say, and then, I'm just worried it's going to be hard to hang out…"

"You're right," he replied, still quiet, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I've tried to think of how to bring it up and I can't—"

"Yes, that's why I'm doing it now," Lily said, searching his face for information. He mostly just looked uncomfortable.

"Well, what do we do?" he asked, still looking at the ground. The wind swept a few orange leaves around them.

Lily shrugged. "Do we have to do anything?"

"No," he said quickly, "I just—er—I… We don't have to do anything. I just… Well…" He looked up through his hair. "Did you—you know—did you like it?"

It was Lily's turn to bow down her head. She pretended to be interested in Severus' shoelaces. They were falling to pieces, and the toes of his shoes had great holes in them. Through the holes, she could see he had on mismatched socks, and she smiled.

"What?" he asked, and he sounded nervous. She noticed he'd balled his fists at his sides, which she knew was what he did when he was feeling upset.

"Sev," she said, and sent him a reassuring look. "I—yes… I liked it. It kind of… Well, I didn't expect it, but I did like it—I just… I didn't think you'd—"

"I hadn't really—" he cleared his throat—"I hadn't really meant to do it, I just… I guess I got… I guess I just didn't really think."

"In front of everyone, too," Lily muttered, and reddened.

"I know," he said, and his voice went high. "I wasn't—like I said, I wasn't thinking, I just, well, I wanted to—fuck. I sound so stupid!" He turned around and crossed his arms, slumping his shoulders.

"Don't," said Lily softly, and walked around him to face him again.

He dug in his pocket and took out a cigarette, lighting it and sticking it in his mouth. "I don't know what to say," he mumbled through the cigarette, and then turned around to exhale.

"Do you do that all the time now?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Only sometimes. Want one?" he asked casually, and she nodded, figuring she'd better try it. She struggled to light it, and he snickered at her. "Idiot," he said.

"Shut up," she said, and lit up. She took a drag. "Ugh. It tastes awful."

He laughed again and coughed, then went silent.

Lily had to admit she thought it was sort of glamorous, standing by the lake and smoking with Severus. She wondered what their classmates would say if they saw them. Of course, Severus was anything _but _glamorous, but she imagined she must look quite good with her teased hair and her cigarette, despite how horrible it was. She imagined she looked like Farrah Fawcett.

"So what do we do now?" he asked, shifting his weight between each foot.

She burst out coughing and covered her mouth with her arm, embarrassed. _Really classic, _she thought to herself. "I don't know," she said honestly. "I was wondering about it all summer. But I… I just… I guess we can say we both… liked that… And we're friends—"

-"Best friends," Severus put in. He tossed his cigarette to the ground and stomped on it.

"Yes, _best _friends, and I guess… what happens happens?" asked Lily, feeling dim. She had no idea what she wanted. She'd like to be touched again, but asking was out of the question. They could barely stand to talk to each other normally. And besides, if she and Severus did anything physical or romantic, there was the whole business of having to keep it a secret. There was no other way. Lily couldn't bear it if people found out. It would be humiliating. _If only Severus were different, _she found herself thinking for the thousandth time. But he wasn't, which was why this was so difficult. As much as Lily wanted to know how it would feel to be touched by him for real, she couldn't get past the shame. He was her sole fantasy lately while getting off, and she hated it. She'd bring herself to what Mary had informed her was an orgasm, and she'd feel horrified that she'd just come after imagining Severus' hands in her pants. She tried imagining Wendell Perkins, but these days, he just didn't quite do the job. Besides, he'd graduated and she didn't really think of him at all anymore. She bit her lip.

"You're right," said Severus, breaking her concentration. She took another drag and exhaled, putting out the cigarette. "You're really right. So uh… what else is new?"

Simultaneously glad for a subject change and disappointed they hadn't really talked bluntly about anything in particular, Lily tried to think of something interesting to say. She figured she'd fill him in on the summer reading she'd done as he was her most bookish friend, another thing she liked about him. While he listened, he made a nasty sound as he cleared his throat and spat on the ground.

Lily grimaced. It was moments like this that made her strange crush on Severus feel so damned unfortunate.

* * *

><p>"Last night was so great!" said Potter excitedly in a low voice. "Did you see Padfoot chasing that rabbit?"<p>

"I very nearly caught it, too," Sirius said, "if only it hadn't jumped down that blasted hole—"

Irritated, Severus turned around to glare at the Gryffindor boys. He'd been trying to study in the library, and the so-named "_fabulous four" _(an affectionatenickname started up by some adoring Gryffindors) had disturbed his session by sitting directly behind him and chattering for the past hour.

"Shh, shut up, you two," Lupin said quietly, making eye contact with Severus and then focusing on his History of Magic book.

"And what, may I ask, were you doing chasing rabbits around last night?" Severus asked stuffily. "You know I'll have to report you if you were—"

"Who would listen to you, Snivelly Wivelly?" asked Black. "Everyone says you're deranged. They think you sniff too many potions and that your brain is all soggy. No one was chasing rabbits—"

Black, Pettigrew, and Potter laughed quietly, and Lupin smiled.

"You just said you were!" spat Severus, trying desperately to keep his voice down.

"No one was chasing rabbits," said Sirius firmly. "You're a nutter."

Severus gripped his quill hard and turned around, trying to re-focus on his homework.

"You're going to get us caught, and I'm the one who'll be in trouble," whispered Lupin, "you _know _he'll tell—"

Severus whipped around and squinted at them, pointing his quill at Lupin. "Get you caught doing what, Lupin? Why would you get in trouble? Does it have to do something with you being sick?"

Lupin looked away. Pettigrew took a deep breath and looked at Severus. "Leave him be!" he squeaked. "We're not doing anything! So stop eavesdropping!"

Severus bared his teeth, looking dangerous. "Don't tell me what to do, Pettigrew! I could bleed you out with a single curse—"

Peter paled but laughed.

"Right, in your fantasy land," Potter said. "Look, Snivellus, go back to sniffing your potions and leave us be—"

"LEAVE YOU BE? LEAVE YOU BE?" Severus said loudly, waving his quill. "I WAS HERE FIRST, ACTUALLY DOING WORK!"

"Snape, out!" called Pince from the front desk.

"Wh-what?" Severus asked, his eyes widening.

"Get out! You are banned from the library for today! I've had enough of your dramatic ejaculating!"

Severus turned a ghastly shade of green as the entire front row of the library seating, including the Gryffindor boys, screamed with laughter.

"Yeah, Snape, stop ejaculating so dramatically! You're going to hurt your willy!" said Black loudly, but not loud enough to be heard by Pince over the roar of the crowd.

Breathing heavily, Severus packed his things and ran away, the laughter still ringing in his ears. He was highly upset but he knew that he'd found something out about Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew. They _were _up to no good, just as he'd always assumed. He was definitely going to need to solve the mystery of Lupin this year.

For the next month, Severus tried to sit by the Fab Four whenever possible. So far, he had not been able to catch them doing anything, but he knew he had to keep trying. He listened to all their conversations, wrote extensive notes on their dialogue, and wrote out many hypotheses he believed were probable. The simplest was that they thought they were above the law, and wanted to prove something by sneaking around. He had a few others, the main being that they were spying on the Slytherin Quidditch team to try and win tournaments. He ran that by Mulciber and Regulus, and they said they wouldn't put it past Potter. But none of this explained why Lupin got sick. It was to the point where his Slytherin friends had banned him from mentioning the Fab Four. But Severus knew he was onto something. There was one person who might be able to help him: Lily.

He and Lily hadn't spoken much since their walk around the lake in October. They'd both been dreadfully busy, and besides, he'd been sort of afraid to. She'd sort of made him self-conscious with her self-confidence and really good looking hair. She'd also smelled quite good that day, better than normal, even. He was afraid he'd slip up around her and do something really moronic, like admit he didn't want to let things just "happen"—he wanted to date her, and kiss her, and touch her. He felt like a lunatic. The situation with Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin was actually a welcome distraction from how utterly perfect Lily was.

* * *

><p>"I'm glad you asked me here," said Lily, smiling. Severus couldn't take his eyes off her face. She was wearing makeup again and her emerald eyes stood out more than ever. He'd told her he wanted to have a discussion over coffee, and they had just arrived at the coffee shop they'd visited all that time ago, when they'd held hands. How far they'd come, and also how much they'd backtracked. Severus almost felt like he was braver then. At least then, they had been more lighthearted in their interactions. Lately, everything had felt so heavy. He watched her hands as she added cream and sugar to her coffee, and he tried to focus.<p>

"I had something to talk to you about, something I've wanted to know," Severus began, and Lily met his eyes.

"Oh? What is it?" she said, and she sounded interested.

Severus leaned in. "I've been doing some research. Do you have any idea what Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin get up to? I have a feeling they run around at night—"

Lily frowned, and leaned back, crossing her arms. Severus stared at her, confused. _What the hell did I just say? _he thought. "I have no idea," she said, and she was obviously annoyed. "Why do you care?"

"I—I just want to know," he said. "They might be stealing Quidditch secrets—"

"Quidditch secrets?" Lily burst out. "Since when do you give a shit about Quidditch?"

Severus stared at her, his mouth open. "You just said 'shit'," he said.

"Yes, yes, I did," Lily fired back. "Is this what you wanted to talk about?"

"Well, yes," said Severus, very confusedly. "Is something wrong?"

"No!" Lily nearly shouted.

"What's wrong?" whispered Severus, and he could not mask the terror in his voice. _Have I done something? God… I've cocked everything up. But how?_

"Did you even talk to Mulciber? Mary says he keeps bothering her," said Lily snappily.

"I—" Severus looked at the wall. The truth was, he had not. He knew it wouldn't do any good, and besides, if MacDonald didn't want people spreading rumors around, she shouldn't have been acting like such a raving slag. She snogged Potter in the corridor every day (a regrettable part of spying was seeing disturbing things like this), and she was rather animalistic about it. In Severus' opinion, she shouldn't act like that if she wanted to keep a good reputation. "He won't listen," he lied lamely.

"You know, I'm really not surprised," said Lily. "Severus, you should talk to me when you're not being so crazy!" she burst out, and with that, she got up and left!

Severus stared after her, completely mystified. He took out a cigarette and rolled it between his fingers. _What did I do? _he wondered.

* * *

><p><em>Day twenty three of observation, <em>wrote Severus, peering from behind a tree. The four boys were chatting animatedly on the benches outside of the Greenhouses.

"You don't stand a chance—so don't even try," Black was saying loudly. "And don't try to pull what I did, because you'll fail, and you'll fail way harder than I did."

"Like I would be that stupid," said Potter. "I don't want them both. MacDonald and I, we're almost done anyway. I'm not doing anything behind her back, nothing—"

_Potter messing around on MacDonald? _wrote Severus quickly. _Black tried to do something, and failed at it—what was that? Find out. _

Black laughed. "Yeah, because your obvious annoying flirting is nothing," he said sarcastically.

"Look, Mary _knows," _Potter exclaimed, and Lupin shook his head.

"You're being daft," he said, somewhat bitterly. "You'd better sort out what you're doing."

"Moony's right. What's Mary say?" Black asked.

Potter shrugged. "She says she thinks it's funny. She says it's perfectly natural to fancy more than one person at the same time, besides she agrees she's brilliant, too— Mary's a great person, I just… I don't know!"

"Prongs, face it. You're scared to even tongue-kiss Mary."

It was all Severus could do to keep from laughing. Whatever Prongs was, he figured it had something to do with Potter, who looked enraged. _Potter shabby kisser, Potter scared to kiss, _he wrote.

"Just because I'm into being slow about it and taking my time doesn't mean I'm _scared_! Girls like that. They think it's respectful—"

Black shook his head. "They think it's boring, mate."

"Anyway, I'm not scared—"

"I believe you, James," said Pettigrew.

Lupin shook his head. "Padfoot's right. You have no chance with her—you've been so mean to her—"

"It's not my fault she can't take a joke!"

"What a great way to try and woo her, James! _It's not my fault you can't take a joke. Now will you go out with me?" _Lupin scoffed. "Honestly, you've been awful to her."

"Moony's absolutely right. First of all, break it off with MacDonald. Then, you can try and sort out your incredibly delusional thoughts."

"But Moony!" Potter insisted. "You're closer to her than any of us. Put in a good word for me?"

"NO!" Lupin said. "Leave her alone! She tells you to every day!"

Potter rumpled the front of his hair. "She's the delusional one. We have a chance!"

"Look, James, _I_ would try and get with her, but she's not like that. She's an angry person. She doesn't think you're funny. She's very hot, but even _I_ can see past that—she's not for you, man. I'm sorry," Black explained slowly, as though Potter were impaired in some way.

"I _will _get with her," said Potter pompously. "Mark my words. I'll break up with Mary, and it'll be _hellooo _Evans!"

Severus very nearly fell out from behind the tree, but he steadied himself. _No, _he thought. _It's not possible. _

"Lily won't stand for it," said Lupin crisply. "But go ahead. Look like a berk."

_No, _Severus thought, heart pounding.

"I can't wait to see Evans shoot him down," said Black, "for about the millionth time, that is."

Potter grinned. "You're all jealous. Watch me. All right, I'm off to practice. Laters." He strutted off down the paved walkway in the direction of the Quidditch pitch.

With sweaty hands, Severus crumpled the piece of parchment he'd been writing on and slid down the tree, slumping over in complete and utter anguish. _They can't fancy her, _he thought and slammed his quill into the ground, snapping it in half. Spying was forgotten. His hands were shivering with rage. He grimaced, drumming both hands in the dirt. _I fancy her. I FANCY HER. Potter, you will regret this. I will murder you. _He shredded his notes into tiny pieces as a tear pulled out of his eye. Life was very unjust.

* * *

><p>AN: I hope the angst wasn't too silly. I just remember how being fourteen sucked. Please review!


	15. Pretty Good Year

A/N: Thanks for your patience on this building relationship! If you're still reading, this chapter will reward you. There are quite a few lurkers on this fic—I'd like to know what you're thinking.

Also, in one of the timelines I've been using to make this correct, I think I misread when the Marauders started becoming Animagi. It's fifth year (but I thought it was fourth). SO, this story is a bit A/U regarding the Marauders' timeline; they've all ready started running about with Remus by mid-fourth year (whoops!). Forgive me! I can't believe I let that detail slip. I may fix it when I go back and edit the entire thing, which will hopefully be soon. (Or I could just say Moony has a poor memory, ha ha.) But, now that I've set it up, I really can't take it back at this point. Hm.

One of the sections ends abruptly, and should be continued by reading DH canon to fill in the rest of the conversation. I didn't want to take up room quoting a conversation you all probably know by heart. (Credit for the quote I used goes to J.)

I also wrote Snape having a very Hermione moment. Maybe you can find it. ; )

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

><p><span>Chapter Fifteen: Pretty Good Year<span>

"_You won't fool the children of the revolution."_

-T REX

Winter Break of Fourth Year Until the End of the Year

* * *

><p><em>Day twenty five. <em>

_Potter big idiot, as usual. Lots of "Everyone should support me at my Quidditch game!". Says Regulus is crap player. Must report to Regulus. May make him more urgent to slap Potter upside head with broom. Several mentions of a "her/she"—could either be Lily or MacDonald. Either way, ominous. Mentions of date with MacDonald but refers to it as "the last stand". Lots of poses and messing up of hair. Calls Black 'Padfoot', seems to call Pettigrew 'Wormtail'. What do these things mean? Are they secret code? Lupin nowhere to be found today—check hospital wing at lunch, pretend you're bringing homework to someone sick._

_Potter: Weekend plans to sneak out to 'check up on Moony'. What's a moony? I know they've mentioned a moony before. Main point being, must intercept. If done correctly, may get all expelled plus win award for school and perhaps be in running for Prefect, a title which will likely be mine all ready but this would help. _

_PLAN: Saturday- hide outside Gryffindor tower entrance, and follow them._

* * *

><p>"Hi Lily. I think that you and I should become study partners. I'm still a bit foggy with Potions, you see," suggested James Potter cheerfully, popping up behind Lily, who was studying in one of the common room armchairs.<p>

Without turning around, she pursed her lips and sighed. "Potter, I've told you. I don't think it's a good idea. Besides, you're going with Mary and she's quite good with Potions. It makes more sense you'd ask her. Also, you're talking way too loudly. You should really be more considerate of other people." She buried herself in her book and sank down the chair.

Across from Lily, Sirius burst into laughter and flopped backwards on the couch. "This is really fantastic entertainment, Prongs. Keep on going. I want to see what happens next."

Seemingly unaffected by his friend's amusement, James leaned over the couch and poked the top of Lily's head gently with the feather-end of a quill. "Lily. Come on. I'm completely stuck on Sluggy's homework—"

"I told you, _no._" She swatted his hand away.

"Right, so, not tonight, but maybe tomorrow? I'll keep an hour free for us to study together then," said James.

Lily turned around, slamming her book shut. "No. Potter, NO. N-O. I don't want to study with you so that you can steal my answers—"

"That's not what—" James began, but Lily had all ready turned around again. He sighed loudly as Sirius continued to laugh, rolling around on the couch. "Look, Gryffindor's playing Slytherin this Saturday, as I'm sure you know, and it's going to be a great game. Would you at least go to that?"

"I was planning to anyway," said Lily curtly from behind her book.

"Yes, yes, yes!" James hooted and pumped his arm.

"I think you wet your trousers a bit, Prongs. Stand still a minute, and I can get it for you," said Sirius, leaning forward, his hand stretched toward James' groin.

"Get off, you!" James said, grabbing his wand out. "_Chucklelaughia!"_

Sirius burst out into heavy guffaws. "HA HA HA HA! _Tappio—"_

James began to do a sort of tap dance, his feet moving around quickly. _"Budgie beak!"_

Not surprisingly, Sirius' nose morphed into that of a bird's.

Lily rolled her eyes as the other Gryffindors in the common room cheered and picked sides. James had been difficult to shake lately. Not only was he acting just as rude as usual, now he seemed to think they were best mates. Mary had announced that week that they were inevitably going to be broken up by winter break. She said that they both agreed they made better friends, but was slightly disappointed because she admitted he was finally getting quite good at snogging. Lily still had qualms that Mary would even consider James Potter a friend, but she was impressed to some extent when James completely squashed the nasty rumors about he and Mary's supposed sexual escapades. Beyond that, Lily found him to be possibly the most annoying person in her life. He'd started training for Quidditch in the common room, which meant he would do sit-ups and push-ups in the morning and evening, taking up the floor space and making loud grunting noises. Mary seemed to think this was attractive and unfortunately, so did several other girls. By mid-November, he had a small fan club of squealing, swooning girls. Even worse was when Sirius joined in the showy work-outs, decked out in a sleeveless top, bent over James to spot him. On those days, the common room inevitably became a jungle of raging hormones.

_"How can you put up with this? Doesn't it make you jealous?"_ Lily had barked that past week at Mary as they walked by James doing crunches with five adoring third year girls cheering for him.

_"Not at all,"_ Mary had said, waving to James with the tips of her fingers, _"I like that he's popular. It puts me in the public eye. Besides, it means I'm top pick."_

Lily felt quite oppositely from Mary. One of the reasons she liked Severus was because what they had (whatever that was) was a secret. Lately though, Lily was doubting that they had anything at all. Severus had invited her to coffee for what she thought might perhaps be a divulgence of his feelings. But instead, he'd asked whether James and his friends "ran around" at night. Lily had wanted to scream. Who cared what those boys got up to? And why did Severus think it was so important? She'd been completely nervous to meet Severus that entire day and then he'd gone and ruined it. She considered how pathetic it would be if he'd lost interest in her. She'd never be able to live it down. Since that awkward coffee meeting, Lily had been purposefully avoiding Severus, which was actually not very difficult this time. It seemed that he'd become a bit distant. She was half-disappointed and half-glad. _If he can't tell me how he feels, then I can't waste my time with him, _she thought but she knew this was not truly what she felt.

Remus served as a healthy diversion from Lily's issues with Severus, as the two were becoming closer as friends. They'd begun to study every evening, and Lily was learning just how kind and interesting a person Remus actually was. They were able to debate about the subjects they were learning in school without bickering the way she and Severus usually did, and Lily was coming to savor the quiet study sessions with him. However, she was mortified when Remus surprised her with some very strange information.

"Do you know what Snape wants with us?" Remus asked casually that day. They were side by side in the library, writing brief essays on the medieval witch trials. Despite Lily saying she'd be at the Quidditch game the next morning, James had come into the library several more times to 'remind' her. He'd only left when Remus had threatened to contaminate his hairspray with potions from the store cupboard.

Lily looked at him oddly. "With who?" she asked, trying to ignore her racing heart.

"James, Sirius, Peter and me," Remus said. Lily stared at him. "So you don't know he's been watching us?"

"Watching you?" Lily asked, instantly remembering the conversation in the café. "Why on earth would he be watching you?"

"Well, no idea—that's precisely why I'm asking. We were walking back from supper on Monday, and we saw Snape in back of us. He was following rather close. So, James asked him what he was doing—"

-"I hardly believe that!" put in Lily hotly. "I'm sure he was obnoxious about it—"

"Well," Remus said mildly, "I suppose you're right. But anyway, he asked Snape what he was up to, and Snape makes like he's going to run, and that's when we noticed he had this notebook. So, Sirius sort of asked to borrow it—" he paused at Lily's doubtful expression—"er, I guess it was sort of more like he took it out of Snape's hands, and before Snape could get it back, Sirius read a little bit of what he'd written. And it was all sorts of notes about us. James, in particular. Snape was writing out everywhere he'd seen James that day and what he was up to, things he said, like he was decoding it, and really- the kinds of things James says don't need to be interpreted, he's a very blunt person—"

-"Maybe it's an assignment for class," said Lily lamely, her cheeks hot with embarrassment for her strange friend. _What on earth is Severus thinking?_

"I don't think so, but maybe," said Remus in a polite tone. "Do you have any idea of why he'd be stalking us?"

"Stalking you? I hardly think he's stalking you. He asked me if I had any idea what you do at night, and I told him he was acting crazy," said Lily, curling her legs up underneath her and reclining against the arm of the couch.

Remus' eyes widened for an instant. "He asked you that? Did he say why?"

"He just seemed interested, or—I don't know. Why?" Lily put on a smile. "_Do _you wander 'round at night?"

"No," said Remus hurriedly, "nothing like that. I'm just wondering why he would think that."

"I don't know," Lily replied shortly. "I don't have any idea what he meant or why he wanted to know. He's not quite normal sometimes," she said, a little darkly.

Remus shrugged. "I can relate to that. Anyway, you should tell him straight from the source that all we do at night is sleep. Maybe then he'll stop."

Lily couldn't help but notice that Remus didn't really meet her eyes. He became fully engrossed in his book and they ended their discussion.

The next morning, Lily woke up to a loud scream.

"GRYFFINDOR PRIDE!"

Grumbling, she bolted upright and peeked out of her canopy. Mary was standing in front of her vanity, decked out in red and gold with gold ribbon threaded throughout her long, black curls. "You're coming today, right? James said you were. It's about time, Lily. Get a move on! I'm going to braid your hair—"

"Ugh," Lily moaned and flopped back against her pillow. "Just another half hour—"

"No, we're getting down to breakfast so we can eat and then be early and get _great _seats. It's going to be a great game today! They've only played Slytherin two other times—Crosspipe's been out with a bad leg, I'm going to boo every time Mulciber does a thing! Get up!" Mary yelled.

"You know, you and Potter are sort of made for each other," Lily said, yawning and stretching her arms, pulling up her pajama shirt over her cleavage.

Mary made a noise that could only be described as a squeal. Muruvi and Scarlet could be heard grumbling from their own beds. "I didn't tell you! Oh my! It happened so late, and when I got back, I tried to wake you but you were out cold, I can't believe I forgot I didn't tell you!"

"Good lord, Mary! WHAT?" Lily snapped, sitting up.

Mary pranced over and sat next to her. "James and I broke up last night—"

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Lily, hoping she was doing a good job masking her enthusiasm. _No more seeing Potter every second! _she thought happily.

"Don't be," Mary declared. "It was rather funny, how it happened. Well, I told you we'd been discussing it. We just don't think we're right for each other, but you _are _right in that we're sort of like, kindred spirits or what have you. We stole food from the kitchen and went out to the lake and made a sort of fancy picnic and then on the count of three we both broke up with each other at the same time. It was fantastic! That way, neither of us has a damaged ego! Isn't that great?"

Lily had to laugh. "It's sort of ridiculous, Mary but I suppose I see why you did it like that."

"Yes," said Mary, tugging Lily's arm and pulling her out of bed, "and now you and I are going to look positively sexy at the game because, let's face it, you need a little bit of excitement. I can't believe you're still waiting to be back in Cokeworth for that neighbor of yours. I'm telling you, he must be perfect. I'd have had six new boyfriends by now!"

Lily refused to wear red and gold, but she let Mary braid a few ribbons through her hair. They ate a quick breakfast and headed off to the bleachers, where they slipped in next to Sirius, Remus and Peter who were all ready in the front row.

"Hello ladies," grinned Sirius. "Would either of you like to place a few bets on the game today?"

"What kind of bets?" asked Mary, and Lily picked up on a bit of a flirtatious tone in her voice. _Not again, _she thought.

"Well," said Sirius scooting closer to them, "I've only got one better so far. That's James, and he's bet one hundred Galleons on himself that he will be the best player in the game—"

Lily wrinkled her nose. "He can't do that—how can he even judge that while he's playing?"

"That's the point. He can't. So, all of you should be my eye witnesses and pick someone else you think was better and then he owes me one hundred," said Sirius merrily.

Remus laughed from behind his novel. "Split it with me, okay?"

"No way," said Sirius. "You'll have to find your own way of taking Prongs' money. Which should be easy. Just tell him you'll bet fifty Galleons he's not amazing—I've tried it before—"

"And he actually gives up the money?" Lily asked snappishly.

Sirius gave her a dark grin. "If I can convince him well. We do it for a laugh. He has enough to spare."

"I think it sounds stupid," Lily said. "Obviously, you all need to find hobbies." Mary jabbed her hard in the side.

"It's called humor. Have you heard of it?" asked Sirius, but their argument was interrupted by the roar of the crowd.

Xing Chang was announcing, and it was odd to hear his normally quiet voice magnified over the crowd. "Here comes the Gryffindor Team, undefeated so far this year—GO GRYFFINDOR! Er, not that I'm biased or anything! Bestwell, Goofshood, Dormy, Patil, Pelvin, Smorts and POTTER!" The crowd screamed as the Gryffindors flew onto the pitch, Potter drawing attention to himself by doing a sort-of acrobatics routine on his broomstick. Mary screamed and Lily crossed her arms, sighing.

Sirius scratched his chin. "I might not get my Galleons today…"

"And emerging from the opposite side we have the SLYTHERINS! Pretty good, but not quite tops—sorry McGonagall, what I meant was _rather _good and second place in this year's lineup! Rookwood, Craven, Marks, Crosspipe, Higgins, Black and Mulciber!"

Across the pitch, the Slytherins screamed and rattled their bleachers, stomping and pounding. _"Ssss,"_ a large group of them hissed in unison. "Vipers, pythons, boas—unite! Snakes have fangs! Serpents… BITE!"

"Prats," muttered Sirius. "Oy! Eat dragon shit!"

"Yeah!" put in Peter, who until this point had been silently staring at Mary and Lily. "What Padfoot said!"

"And right off, Potter scores a goal! Gryffindor's ahead—oh! Mulciber is taking a nose dive—has he seen the snitch or is he just taking the piss, looks like he was kidding, but Patil fell for it! Patil's lost control of his broom—he's righted himself but—Slytherin beater Craven has just gotten past Potter! Ten points for Slytherin—"

"Perhaps Craven is more amazing than Prongs today," mused Remus. Sirius grinned and punched him in the shoulder.

"Look at James! Look at James!" squealed Peter. They all looked up to see Potter doing graceful circles around the goal post and then dipping in quickly to play again.

Sirius sighed. "I don't know… That was pretty good."

"What's he doing?" asked Lily in irritation, as Potter swooped down to the Gryffindor bleachers and pumped his fist in the air. The crowd cheered loudly. Several second year girls screamed so loud Lily jumped in her seat. He grinned most audaciously and one of the girls burst into tears.

"Being a twat," answered Sirius simply.

"Hello," said a desolate voice.

Lily jumped even more than before and turned to her right, where Severus was standing awkwardly, his hair falling in his eyes.

"Severus! What are you _doing _here?" Lily whispered, her heart pounding.

"Thought I'd see the game, see how Mulciber and Black play," he muttered, and of all things, he sat down beside her. "Here to cheer on Potter?"

"No way," she said, making a face. "It's awful, isn't it?"

Severus grinned. "The worst display I've seen. You're not impressed, right?"

Mary nudged her. "What on earth is he here for?" she whispered loudly. So loudly, in fact, that the three boys turned to look.

"Ah, look! It's Snape the Snoop!" Sirius cried out in mock-delight.

"Snoopy Snapey!" Peter added, giggling.

Remus closed his book delicately. "Act right for once?" he suggested, but Sirius pushed them all aside to sit closer to Lily and Severus.

"Hiya Snivellus," he said, "Moony says that you think we get up to shenanigans at night. Why don't you mind your own drippy, snotty business?"

"Who is Moony?" asked Severus. His tone was as sharp as knives.

"Er—" Sirius paused.

"I know you know what a Moony is!" Severus said frantically. "Tell me what it is!"

Lily stared at him indignantly. "Calm down, Severus! Moony is Remus!"

"Moony is REMUS?" Severus burst out, his eyes widening in sort of a scary way.

Remus ducked in. "Yes-Moony's a stupid nickname they call me, Snape, sort of like the one James unfortunately made for you, I can sort of relate—"

"Yeah, it's entirely James' doing. It's just a dumb name," put in Sirius.

But Severus did not seem to want to relate to Lupin. "Why do you need to be hung out with at nighttime?" he went on excitedly.

"Severus," Lily pleaded, "What are you talking about?"

"I don't need to be hung out with at nighttime," said Lupin. "I think you've been misinformed. Maybe some of these blokes have been screwing around with you." His voice was kind but his eyes were narrowed.

Severus leaned across Lily even farther, his shoulder pressed against hers. Despite herself, Lily went scarlet. He sneered. "Your face looks awful. Why are you all covered in scars?" Remus' face fell.

Her mouth dropped out. "_Severus!"_

"Your face is covered in ugly," said Sirius. "You really should do something about it." Peter laughed and clapped his hands together.

Lily pushed Severus off of her and glared at Sirius. "Would you all shut up? No one runs around at night, Severus. And Sirius, don't call him ugly—"

"You _know _he's ugly," Sirius said. "You're just too polite to say so."

Lily saw Severus out of the corner of her eye staring at her intently. She bit her lip, quickly trying to debate what to say. "Severus is not ugly," she finally said firmly.

Sirius clapped loudly. "You're positively the best liar I've met! Congratulations!"

"Right, well, I'm going," said Severus dully. "You better believe I _will _find out what you do, and there _will _be trouble." He hurried off, his too-large robes billowing out behind his skinny body.

"Severus!" cried out Lily.

"Wallies, assholes, losers unite! In the head, you're not quite right!" yelled Sirius after him and hissed loudly.

Remus glowered at Sirius. "Well played," he whispered sarcastically. "You completely blew my cover—"

"He's too thick to work it out," Sirius replied. "And if by some miracle he does, he definitely won't talk. I'll make sure of that, Moony."

"Work what out?" Lily asked.

"Stop talking," Mary urged. "Gryffindor's winning!"

* * *

><p>"You were supposed to kill him," Severus told Mulciber and Regulus stuffily when they returned to the common room. "You were supposed to put him in a coma and he was supposed to die, but instead, you didn't even win the game."<p>

"Shut up, Snape," Mulciber said strongly. He was covered in sweat and looked aggravated. "You get out there and try playing against him. He's fucking brilliant."

Severus glared. "Don't say that. Have you no house pride?"

"Kill him yourself, Snape," barked Mulciber, and pushed past Regulus, running toward the staircase that led to the dorms.

Regulus shrugged at Severus. "He is rather hard to beat," he said quietly, and then his tone brightened. "How'd you think I played, Snape? Wasn't I good?"

"Didn't notice. Now go away, you're bothering me," Severus growled, looking back at his notes on James Potter.

Regulus slunk off toward the staircase and then turned back. "Guess what? I'm going to be in the Slug Club like you! Now we can hang out more often! My brother didn't make the Slug Club. He says it's not cool enough for him but I know he's actually very upset—"

"Don't you understand basic English? Get out of here! I have important work to do," Severus said, waving a quill half-heartedly in Regulus' direction.

"Okay! Bye, Snape!"

Severus spent the day stewing over the events that had transpired. On one hand, Lily had said he wasn't ugly but she had also not seemed particularly happy to see him. And why was she at the Quidditch game? She never went to games! He'd overheard Mary blabbering about how the two of them were going, and he'd been flabbergasted. Potter had to have something to do with this. Despite being an egotistical bastard, Potter was a very persuasive type of person. Throughout the years of knowing him, Severus had seen him charm professors and students alike, getting out of homework assignments and study groups every week. All day, Potter yapped about his Quidditch games, and Severus knew that was why Lily had gone. Why else? Lily hated Quidditch. She hated stupid things, just like Severus did! Potter needed to be brought down. Also, he'd discovered that Moony was Lupin. This made Severus connect a few things together. First off, 'Moony' supposedly needed company at night, so Severus figured there must be a connection there (Moony, moon?). However, what Black and Lupin had said seemed correct. Potter _had _made ridiculous nicknames for everyone else and none of them seemed to mean anything much.

The only upside was that Lily had said she wasn't there at the game for Potter in particular, but Severus was worried all the same. Whatever was going on, Severus would find out. Tonight was the night.

Around eight-thirty, Severus was unable to wait any longer. He crept to Gryffindor Tower as quietly as he could, but the portrait of the Fat Lady greeted him loudly.

"Aren't you in Slytherin? Don't you come around a lot for that Evans girl?" she asked. She was holding a glass of sherry and looked mildly drunk.

"Shh!" Severus said.

"Don't hush me, boy. It's my job to know who's lurking around! Have you got the password tonight or not?"

"Not," Severus replied. "I'm waiting for some people… Er… You know Potter, right? He's supposed to meet me out here. I'm—I'm Moony. We're going to run 'round."

"Damned if I know what you children talk about these days," the Fat Lady stated noisily, sloshing her drink. "If you don't have the password, you need to push along and wait for your friend somewhere else."

Severus rolled his eyes and slunk off to the opposite end of the corridor where he was out of sight of the Fat Lady's portrait. He was at least a bit more inconspicuous here, but still, he attracted weird stares from passing Gryffindors. A prefect asked if he was lost. He had to duck and roll underneath an old suit of armor to avoid being seen by Lily and Muruvi, who were walking by talking about how obnoxious the new DADA professor was. Soon, no one was in the halls, and Severus was beginning to consider himself a bit of a fool. He'd come too early, and now this plan seemed outlandish. Just as Severus was losing hope, around nine-thirty, there was the sound of the portrait swinging open. This was not special aside from the fact that the Fat Lady shouted out: "Who's there?"

There was dead silence. Severus slowly peered around the corner, and sure enough, there was nothing, just air. The portrait snapped shut, and the Fat Lady fell back into her drunken slumber. Severus stared, trying to decipher what had gone on. Perhaps a gust of wind had blown the portrait open? _Except there's no wind up here. It would just be like the Gryffindors to have a shoddy entrance to their common room. _

But then, Severus detected what sounded like a human laugh, only it was very, very quiet. He slumped back against the wall. _Am I hearing things? _

"Snaaaape," said a voice in a ghastly wail.

"Severus Snaaaaape," said a second voice in a very creepy, dry whisper.

"Who's there?" Severus called out, and his voice echoed against the empty hallway's walls.

The quiet giggling echoed off the walls as well. It was as if the room was filled with ghosts. And then, Severus' coat was being tugged at by an unseen force! He let out a yelp and moved backwards, slamming against the wall.

The laughter was louder now.

"_Oooh," _said the first voice in a high shriek. It did not sound human! "Severus Snape, this is your conscience speaking. Leave this hallway before it's too late! Too late… too late… too late…"

"Show yourself!" Severus commanded, scrambling off the floor and reaching out in the direction of the voices. And that was the last thing he remembered. He woke up several hours later staring into the raw-boned, gray face of Argus Filch, Hogwarts gamekeeper. Mrs. Norris, Filch's faithful cat, was licking his hand.

"'ello, laddie," grinned Filch darkly through his rotting teeth. "'ad a bit o' a spill, did we now? 'nd, looksie, Missus Norris, it's a Slytherin tie on this lad, too, in the _Gryffindor's _hallway of all places!" He clucked his tongue while shaking his head slowly from side to side. "Tell me, laddie. What's doin' out so late at night?"

"People up to no good!" Severus said instantly, feeling woozy. Had he been hexed? Had he fainted after surveying some horrific sight he could no longer recall? He shook Mrs. Norris off his hand because she had begun biting it violently. "I came to check it out—sneaking out at night, not right! Ghosts showed up—maybe? Fell down, head hurts…"

Filch's expression changed drastically. "You say students was plottin' to sneak out?"

Severus nodded slowly. "Potterblackpettigrewlupin," he said, in one word, and closed his eyes.

"POTTER?" Filch snarled. "Did you say POTTER? And BLACK?"

Severus opened one eye. A bit of drool was glistening on Filch's lip. He nodded.

"Every day, pranks!" Filch shouted. "Duels! Laughs! Ice mice! Belch powder! Slime! Hallway fightin' and 'orseplay! Public displays of affection everywhere! Engorging other students' ears! Lighting socks aflame! Then Dumbledore and McGonagall gives 'em detentions, and 'oo do they usually get detention with? ME! And they joke the entire time! Make fun of me! Call Missus Norris nasty names! No rest for me!" The man looked close to tears. Severus stared at him, unblinkingly. "You say they sneak out at night?"

"I think so," Severus nodded, sitting up. "I keep hearing them say they go outside and chase rabbits, or run around the forest—"

"THE FORBIDDEN FOREST?" screamed Filch, looking excited and furious all at once.

"Is there any other?" asked Severus quietly, but Filch did not seem to hear him. Mrs. Norris had begun nuzzling around in Severus' hair, nibbling it like she was grooming him.

Filch was nodding to himself. "Yes, I've wanted to catch them doing something awful for quite awhile. I'll speak to Dumbledore about it but he likes them—imagine it—likes those foul, spoiled brats! If he does nothing, I'll find them! Mark my words!"

"Whoa," said Severus appreciatively.

"What's your name, boy?"

"Snape," he said, hoisting himself off the ground. Mrs. Norris rubbed herself on his legs and purred. He resisted the urge to nudge her away because he figured the gamekeeper wouldn't like it much.

Filch grinned. "Well, my dear lad, you've made my night pleasant. Let's get you to the 'ospital wing to rest your 'ead. Perhaps we can find out who wronged you."

* * *

><p>"It's not funny, Padfoot! He was really close to ruining everything, doing that voice!" Remus was saying quietly.<p>

James grinned and ruffled his bangs. "Nooo, I wasn't close to ruining _anything. _ He thought I was a bloody phantom! Honestly, he's way dimmer than I thought. He's one of those people who's so smart, they're stupid—"

"Did you just call him smart, Prongs?" asked Peter, cocking an eyebrow.

"No, I called him stupid," James laughed.

Remus shook his head, clearly not amused. "James, you're fine with messing up everything around you as long as you come out on top."

"Do I detect a hint of actual disdain in your voice, my dear Moony? Or is it merely the time of the month?" James chided.

"Enough with those _time of the month _jokes!" Remus said tersely. "I mean it, James! You really could have blown it last night. Obviously, he's not dim and he's not stupid. He was there, wasn't he? What if he'd have pulled it off of you? Then what? Did you have a back-up plan? I'm guessing not."

"I knocked him out," Sirius exclaimed. "You're forgetting the brawn of the operation." He gave a bow. "Besides, you'd understand James' brilliance if you'd have been there. It really was quite a good voice."

"Mmm… Why, thank you, Padfoot," said James in a mock-posh accent, also giving a bow. _"Watch out, Moony," _he said in a whispering-shriek. _"Some night while you're sleeping, I'll get you. I'll get yooooou."_

"Oh bugger," said Remus. "You really can't take anything seriously, can you?"

Mary and Lily entered the common room. "Ew," said Mary. "Why were you talking like that, James? If you'd have done that while we were going out I'd have slapped you."

_"It's this new thing I'm trying," _James whispered creepily. _"Girls in Slytherin seem to really go for it."_

"Yes, keep it up! It will certainly get you laid!" Sirius exclaimed. They gave each other a high-five. Peter burst out laughing.

Lily sighed and rolled her eyes. Remus caught her eye and shrugged, giving her a tired smile. He really _was _all covered in scars, though it was still rude of Severus for pointing it out in front of everyone.

* * *

><p>"Lily! I need to speak to you for a moment. Will you please talk to me?" Severus asked desperately at the end of Potions class. She'd been ignoring him again, and it was two days before winter break. If they didn't solve this spat, Severus would have to spend time alone, or worse, with his family.<p>

To his horror, it was Potter who answered. "Keep your pants on, Snivellus," he grinned. "Evans is going to Hogsmede with me tonight and she can't talk to you because she's got to go get ready—"

Lily turned around, frowning at Potter. "I am _not _only going with you." Her eyes met Severus' but he could not read her expression. "It's Alice's birthday," Lily explained quickly, "and she's invited some of us along to have dinner with her parents—we got permission to go tonight—"

"How special," simpered Severus, a wave of jealousy sweeping over him. More than ever, he wished they were in the same house. Potter and Black had every opportunity to spend time with Lily and what did Severus get? Regulus trailing him like a lost puppy! Not to mention, his worries about Lucius graduating had been confirmed. Without someone popular to defend him, Severus had fallen again into the ranks of the super unpopular. It did not help that Potter and Black lost no opportunities to make fun of him. It was as though they knew his every move. They'd taunted him about falling and hurting his head outside the portrait of the Fat Lady. Severus would guess it was them if there was any way it could have been.

Lily glared at him and his stomach turned. "Yes," she said angrily, "it _will _be special. Thanks for your support." With that, she brushed past all of them and slammed the classroom door.

"Good going," grinned Potter. "You've once again proven what an unlikable person you are!"

Severus lost no time in grabbing his wand, holding it in the air above Potter's head. "Don't. Mess. With. Me," he spat through gritted teeth. "I know that despite everything you say, you're up to something."

Potter threw a glance behind him, where Slughorn was busy in his office. He turned back to Severus. "Look. Snivellus, I'm sorry to break it to you, but you're not really an important part of my life. But if this is what you want, I can play too." He drew his own wand, pointing it at Severus' middle.

"You really need to find better ways to entertain yourself, Snape the Snoop," said Black quietly, leaning over Potter's shoulder. "Let's take this someplace a bit less conspicuous and settle things—"

"Nope, not today," said Lupin calmly. He put his arms around Potter and Black and steered them out of the classroom.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" shouted Severus after them. "BUGGER OFF!"

"Buggering off!" was Potter's buoyant reply. The classroom door snapped shut.

Severus kicked a desk, and a set of vials shattered. He spent the next few minutes cussing and putting them right.

_Day twenty six of observation. Small break due to head trauma and finals for all classes. Seems they don't plan to sneak out all the time—have not heard any word of it lately. But still, other ridiculous things have been discovered. Lots of Potter bragging to all who will listen about how Lily went out to dinner with him. Black and Lupin very quick to point out that the dinner involved fifteen people. Still hate Black and Lupin but grateful to them for this, although Potter seemed quite un-phased. It would seem his ego is even larger than I previously thought. Potter spent afternoon doing squats and stretches in the corridor below Transfigurations room, excuse being there is snow outside. However, I have a theory he only did so to attract attention, and that he did. Spent great length of time asking girls in our year to feel his arm muscles. Want to kill him. Must resist urge. If I find Potter doing something bad, then greater chance of Lily disliking him more AND of me getting recognition! A win-win plan._

* * *

><p>Lily tugged the hood of her cloak over her face as she and her friends passed a compartment on the train full of Slytherins. She hadn't seen Severus board yet, and she was set on avoiding him. Apparently, he had better things to do than hang around her. Things like obsessing over James and Sirius, and making rude comments at her whenever possibly. <em>Well… <em>That wasn't exactly the truth. He only made those comments when he felt threatened, but he didn't do much to appeal himself to any of the others. Lily knew James and Sirius were obnoxious, but really, Remus didn't deserve to be treated poorly. Severus was quite rude to everyone, and it was getting a bit old.

"Hello, Evans!" called out James. "Hi, you lot! Come sit with us!" He waved from a compartment he was sharing with Peter, Sirius, Remus, Xing Chang and Frank Longbottom. Alice, Muruvi and Scarlet instantly entered the compartment, giggling at the boys and arranging themselves around them. Lily made a face of protest, but Mary gripped her arm.

"Why have you been acting so off?" Mary whispered into Lily's ear.

"No offense, Mary, but I don't like Potter. You know I don't! Sirius is only a bit better but they're both annoying and smug," Lily hissed.

"You're friends with Remus, though!" Mary whined. "Please! I need to talk to Sirius—we're going to correspond over break about our project—"

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Correspond, eh? Don't tell me you're going after him again. Mary!"

Mary gripped her arm harder. "Sh! I'm doing nothing of the sort. He's been flirting with me lately. You should go in there with me and watch, tell me if it's really happening."

"I think you're smart enough to judge that for yourself, Mary. Besides, I think Sirius would get with anyone, the way he talks," Lily scoffed.

"Oh, hush it. Besides…" Mary's expression became a cheeky grin and she loosened her grip. "I know someone who likes you!" she said in sing-song.

"Who?" demanded Lily.

"I can't tell you. And if I did, you'd be weird about it like you always are. So, I'm just going to watch it happen!" Mary smiled and waggled her eyebrows.

"Mary, stop. I want to know. Is it someone in that compartment?" Lily asked, glaring at her friend deeply. "If you tell me it's Potter, I'll be upset. Actually, if you tell me it's anyone beside Remus, Xing or Frank-"

"Lily. Stop it," Mary said, rolling her eyes. "For getting very-nearly-fingered, you're so hoity about boys. Let's go in." She grabbed Lily's hand and pulled her into the compartment, where the two of them collided. The boys (except for Frank and Remus) broke up laughing loudly. Mary ended up falling in Peter's lap, which Lily figured she sort of deserved.

Once that got all sorted out, Potter and Black wasted no time bragging about some prank they'd pulled that morning on a fourth year Hufflepuff during which they'd made bogies the size of Galleons come out of his nose. Luckily, Lily had opted for a seat beside Remus, and they spent the ride to London doodling back and forth on pieces of parchment.

At the Evans household, things were as normal as usual. Lily's parents were delighted with her stories about Hogwarts, Petunia seemed sour, and it was rather boring. Lily wanted to call on Severus, but she was still irritated. She'd heard he'd hit his head that week, and she honestly wanted to know how he was doing but she felt he should be better at reaching out to her.

The fourth day of winter break, Lily ran into him by accident. She'd been taking a walk by the river to get out of the house and saw him smoking against a tree by the water. Despite wanting to resist speaking to him, Lily knew she could do nothing of the sort.

"Sev!" she cried out, her voice sounding strangely loud against the light blanket of snow that had fallen.

He turned around, flicking ash. "All right?" he greeted in a low voice.

"Look," she said while walking toward him, "I'm very sorry I haven't been speaking to you. But really, you haven't been speaking to me, either. And I wish you wouldn't watch people in my house the way you are. They said you're keeping a journal on everything Potter says! And really, that's sort of lunatic behavior, Severus!"

"Great," he said dryly. "So, I'm a lunatic now on top of everything else. I'm not _watching _them! I think they're up to no good, and I don't like it!"

Lily folded her arms. "Yes, you've mentioned that. It looks peculiar though, Severus—keeping a journal on—"

"There isn't a journal!" Severus exclaimed, suddenly looking very red in the face. "Of course, pompous Potter probably wishes everyone kept a journal on him!"

"Remus said he saw you with a journal, and I trust him—"

"Yeah, I'll bet," Severus said sharply. "_Remus Lupin. _I saw you two getting all close on the train!"

Lily's eyes widened. "Close? We were drawing, trying to shut out the stupid stuff that Sirius and James were saying! If you have something to say to me, you should come out with it!"

Severus' eyes flashed. "Is there ANYONE in Gryffindor who doesn't like you?" he shouted. The echoing boom of his voice ricocheted off the trees and nearby houses.

Lily stepped back a few paces. "What are you on about?"

He was breathing rather rapidly. "Nothing," he said, putting out his cigarette. "Nothing at all. I've been having a terrible time at home. I don't want to argue with you—"

"I'm sorry you've been having a bad time of it," Lily said strongly, "but I think you're acting strange and I'm tired of the way things have been going! I don't want to talk about whatever Potter and them are up to, which for the record is nothing."

"All right," said Severus, and it was hard for Lily to determine how he was feeling, but it was evident from his body language that he wasn't pleased. "All right," he said again, and slowly walked off. And for the first time, Lily did not feel much like chasing him.

_Dear Mary, _

_ Don't be too excited. Yes, I finally saw him but it didn't go as I would have wanted. I'm tired of making everything happen. He's being a little bit hard to deal with, and I don't want to put up with it! He hasn't even told me he fancies me yet, and we've been hanging around each other for years! I'm very frustrated. I'd tell him I like him, but I've all ready said enough, I think. He's AGGRAVATING!_

_ Lots of love,_

_ Lily_

_ Dear Lily,_

_ In my opinion, you should go after him. Some boys have no idea how to ask people out. They are very shy and need some help. Do what you'd like, but I think you need to take matters into your own hands. Still, there's someone at Hogwarts (not saying who) who is brushing up to ask you out, so if this falls through, there's always him. You may not think much of him (again, not saying who) but I could see you two being cute together. So be open-minded! _

_XOXO,_

_Mary_

Lily sighed at Mary's response. She was rather convinced it _was _Potter who fancied her, though she'd been trying to ignore it for the past while. Now, if Mary was trying to set her up with him, the two of them together would be relentless.

* * *

><p>Severus spent most of his Christmas break outside. It was cold, but it was better than the alternative of being cooped up in the house with his once again unemployed father and gloomy mother. They seemed to be so low in spirits that they didn't even have the strength to fight with each other, let alone speak to Severus. Of course, they were both still drinking, and when Mum wasn't at home, Tobias had struck Severus several times. So it seemed like a better idea to keep to himself. He wondered if Mum's retaliation last summer had anything to do with the quiet ambiance of the house, but he didn't really want to talk to them to find out.<p>

As far as Severus was concerned, life was fucking awful. He had utterly cocked up with Lily (they were still fighting, and he couldn't bring himself to tell her his true feelings), and beyond reading books he'd taken out from the library, there was absolutely nothing worth doing. He poured over his notes on the Fabulous Four, looking for any possible clues he could find. If Potter got expelled, he'd be sent away and then he wouldn't be able to pursue Lily. As for Lupin, it seemed he was at the heart of the problem, and would probably get a worse break than Potter, which was perfect because Lily actually seemed to like him.

Severus had been thinking a lot about killing himself, and different ways to do it if he decided to. There were quite a few good curses. He hoped that his luck would change with Lily soon, or else he very well might do it. There wasn't much else to be excited about beyond her, save for dueling club and class sometimes. He tried writing to Mulciber and Avery, but their responses annoyed him. They seemed so excited about break. Even writing to Lucius proved obnoxious. All he wrote to Severus about was how fond he was of Narcissa, and how great it was to see her over Christmas. _Gag me, _thought Severus miserably and enviously, and ripped the letter up at once. More than anything, he wanted a relationship like Narcissa and Lucius had. He was fairly certain that Lily did not think he was as gross as Avery and Mulciber seemed to think the rest of the girls did. It was all so infuriating that Severus tried to put all of his focus into working on the spells he'd been trying to invent that past year. He'd perfected _Langlok _so that the person's mouth stayed completely shut, and he'd gotten much better at what he called the _Sectumsempra, _where dozens of scratches pulled up all over the opponent's body and face and bled. There were several others he'd been thinking about, all detailed in the same little journal he'd been writing about Potter in.

"Happy birthday, Sev."

Severus about jumped out of his skin. It was the first week back at Hogwarts, and Lily was standing behind him before the start of Charms. "Guh—er—thanks? How'd you remember?"

"Don't be an ass," she said, but she was smiling slightly. "You've had the same birthday since I've known you, right? Of course I remember."

"Er, thanks," said Severus quietly, trying not to smile too much.

"You're fifteen," Lily said. "You're quite old now."

"You're not much younger," he retorted. "So, what's been happening?"

Lily's smile faded. "Oh, not much. You know. Same."

"Everyone, take your seat!" squeaked Professor Flitwick from the front of the room.

"See you. I guess," said Lily quietly, and joined Mary in the far back corner.

Severus' heart kept beating quickly and he turned around, hunching over. _Maybe she doesn't completely hate me then! _he thought excitedly.

Mulciber elbowed his side so hard he winced. "What was that about? I've never gotten a Mudblood birthday gram—"

"Fuck you," Severus said out of the side of his mouth. "That was nothing."

"Didn't look like nothing," cackled Rosier from his right. "_Happy birthday, Sev! _Sev? Really? I half expected you to hex her face off. Or maybe you like being called _Sev._ Can I call you Sev, Sev?" Avery laughed from behind them, apparently thinking Rosier's dumb sense of humor was charming.

"We had a study group last term," said Severus. "She perhaps thinks we're friends, or something."

"It's too bad she's got rotten blood," said Mulciber. "That's the most I've ever witnessed a girl talk to you!"

"Besides me," Rosier said.

"Yes, but we all know you don't count," Severus put in and then focused straight ahead at Flitwick.

It proved to be rather busy in all of Severus' classes, and he only saw Lily two or three times a week. He couldn't even focus too much on following Potter and Black, though he still listened to them in class whenever he could. They said nothing of interest until halfway into the month, just as Divinations was ending. Lily had waved goodbye to him, saying she was off to a study group with Scarlet (at least they were being cordial to each other!), and the only students left were the so-named "Fabulous Four".

"Tonight, then?" whispered Pettigrew excitedly. "It's got to be—Remus, you look awful! No offense—"

Severus quickly ducked under one of the tables as the boys packed up their belongings.

"I'm used to it," sighed Lupin.

"Yeah, I'm surprised you came in today. You all right, mate?" asked Potter.

"I wasn't about to miss that test," Lupin replied, "but now I think I'm off. I need to rest. I feel it coming, you know. I'm due to meet Pomphrey, but I'll see you lot later."

They walked behind the last row of desks, dangerously close to where Severus was hiding. There was a pause.

"Shhhh," one of them said. Severus tried desperately not to breathe.

The trapdoor opened, there was a sound of scuffling for a moment, and then it shut.

Severus feigned sickness, instructing Mulciber to take notes in Charms in his absence, and then snuck out of the Great Hall at lunch to wait outside the nurse's quarters. He'd peeked in and seen Lupin napping in one of the hospital beds, so he knew he was closer than he'd ever been. Around four in the afternoon, just was Severus was feeling as though his bottom might merge with the cement floor, he heard voices in the infirmary. Quickly, he jumped up and hid around the corner by a statue of a mermaid.

There were footsteps in the hallway, and Severus peered around the corner to see Madame Pomphrey walking with her arm around Lupin's shoulder. They were walking rather fast, but Lupin seemed to be having a hard time of it. At once, Severus sprang to action and began to follow them. He had to be still ever so often in order to keep cover, and spent time dodging under tapestries and skirting around statues. Finally, Pomphrey and Lupin went out the front entrance. The sky was all ready dark, and no one was about on the grounds. _Where are they going? _Severus thought. _And why in the blazes is Pomphrey escorting him this entire time? _

He followed them across the grounds, past the greenhouses and the gardens, past Filch's shed and the pen for Care of Magical Creatures. Finally, they reached the western part of the grounds, and Lupin and Pomphrey began to walk toward the Whomping Willow, a strange tree that Severus had witnessed take out several students with its bewitched branches.

Severus started forward, and tripped on the soggy ground. He instantly tensed up.

"What on earth?" Pomphrey whipped around. "Severus Snape, is that you? Get back to the school! Off with you!"

"Yes… yes, m'um," Severus nodded. Lupin turned to face him and Severus stared. His face was horrifically pale. In fact, it was just as pale as the faint moon that was forming in the sky above all of them. An evil sort of smile claimed Severus' face, and he ran back to the castle.

* * *

><p>"Every month!" Severus burst out excitedly, waving around his Defense Against the Dark Arts report from second year. "Don't you get it?"<p>

"I don't see what you mean," Lily said, shrugging. She yawned loudly. "I was sort of in the middle of eating. Could we discuss this later?"

"No! Now!" Severus shouted.

"People are watching," Lily winced.

He looked around them. Sure enough, every fourth year from Gryffindor was staring, including Black, Pettigrew and Potter. _Of course, Lupin's not there! _ "Sorry," whispered Severus. "Maybe we should go somewhere more private—"

"Private? Severus, it's seven in the morning! It's the middle of breakfast! You should go back to your table and eat! Why are you being like this?"

"You obviously don't understand. Lupin is… well, I'm fairly certain he's…" Severus pointed wildly to the title on his report.

But Lily hardly seemed interested. "Don't tell me what I don't understand," she said. "Get that paper out of my face!"

"Lupin is Moony!" Severus said quietly, while popping up and down on the balls of his feet. "Moony is Moon! Lupin's a—"

"Don't," Lily said, her eyes blinking quickly. "Just leave him alone!"

"Just let me say what I wanna say!" Severus erupted.

Lily tossed her hair behind her shoulder. "I'm tired of this! You never want to talk about anything normal!"

"But, Lily!" Severus said frantically.

"See you in Potions," she said bitterly. "Oh, and maybe you forgot, but today is _my _birthday. Some friend you are!"

"Lily—" Severus choked out. "Happy birthday!"

But she was all ready stomping back to the Gryffindor table.

* * *

><p>"I don't see why you're surprised. He's quite mental, Lily. Besides, you don't need him to have a good birthday. I told you, we're going for ice cream and it will be loads of fun. I think James and Sirius are planning on serenading you—"<p>

"Mary!" Lily snapped. "You didn't invite them!" At Mary's guilty expression, Lily shook her head. "I'm not going. This day is all ready awful, and I don't need it to get any worse."

Mary opened her mouth to speak, but instead made a strange sort of expression. Her eyes widened, and she looked scared.

"Mary?"

Mary's face had gone rather pink, and she seemed to be unable to speak. Lily realized that she was desperately tugging down the front of her skirt, which seemed to be pulling itself upward.

Lily's own eyes got large and she put a hand around Mary's shoulder. "What's happening? Are you all right? What's going on? HELP!"

Her shriek interrupted the Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson, and Professor Mullingsberg halted one of his infamously boring lectures. "What seems to be the issue, girls?"

Mary's mouth un-pried itself, and she burst out coughing. "Nothing, sir," she said breathlessly, and cleared her throat. There were tears glistening in her eyes. She leaned into Lily and spoke quieter than she ever had before: "It was like someone… or something… had its hand… _up there." _

The lesson was resumed.

Lily gazed at her, terrified, and did a quick scan around the classroom. Severus was in the front row, bent over his notes and writing feverishly. James and Sirius were busy pinning a note on the back of Ethan Middleton's shirt. Peter was picking his nose. Rosier and Avery were whispering together. But Mulciber was staring right at Lily, his dark blue eyes glistening. He sneered, and then looked away.

"It was Mulciber," Lily whispered. "I know it was—he was looking at us!"

Mary bent her head to wipe the tears out of her eyes. "I'm sure it was. He bothers me every day, he does… But he's never done _this _before—"

"We're reporting him," Lily said hotly.

"No!" Mary said. "No, Lily, I don't want anyone to know, besides I don't know for sure it was—"

"You said it yourself! He's terrible—he's the one who'd do it!"

"Girls!" squawked the professor, drumming his hand upon their table. "Ten points from Gryffindor for being gossipy little gremlins!"

Mulciber cracked up, along with several other Slytherins.

Lily held Mary's hand under the table. "We won't let him do those things anymore," she said firmly.

Mary nodded into her shoulder.

* * *

><p>"I meant to tell you, I used that spell I was talking about, Snape," Mulciber leered as they filed out of Transfigurations. "The one I found in the book in Hogsmede where you can manipulate someone to make them feel like they're being touched—"<p>

"Oh yeah?" Severus asked. "How'd you do it?"

"I did it right in the middle of Defense Against the Dark Arts," he whispered silkily. "On Mary MacDonald. I directed it up her skirt."

Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "You did what?" he grinned. "What the hell?"

"Not only that, but I did the Langlok on her so she couldn't shout. I'm getting really good with non-verbal spells, thanks to you, Snape," Mulciber replied.

"Wish I could have seen her face," Severus laughed shortly.

"Well, I'm on to meet Avery," Mulciber said.

"Oh yeah? Later," replied Severus.

"Snape!" called Black in the hallway, patting Potter on the shoulder and walking away from the cluster of popular Gryffindors who were all talking and laughing.

Severus gripped his book bag. "Not now, Black," he snarled. "I'm late for a Runes study group. And if you try and hex me, I'll tell. McGonagall's right over there!"

Black chuckled but continued trailing him. "It's nothing like that, Snape! I just wanted to talk to you!"

"Oy! What're you doing, Sirius?" called Potter from behind them, but Black ignored him and continued following Severus.

"Come on," he begged. "I need to talk to you—I promise I won't try anything!"

Severus whipped around, one hand on his hip. "What's so important?"

"Snape, I know you think something weird's going on with us, especially with Remus. I just wanted to even things out between all of us, okay?" he asked sincerely. "There's nothing going on, and I can prove it to you if you'll listen!"

"Oy! Sirius!" called James.

"Shut it, mate!" Sirius yelled behind them playfully, waving James away.

"And _how, _pray tell, will you do that? I've got evidence, Black. Evidence!" Severus made a fist and hit his open palm with it. "Ev-i-dence!"

"You think you saw what you saw, but you didn't quite see what you saw—"

"Fuck, Black, out with it!" Severus said.

Sirius shook his smooth black bangs out of his eyes. "Now, listen carefully, Snape. Tonight, you should go to the Whomping Willow around eleven. Go there, and run under it before it can smack you with its branches. Get to the trunk fast as you can, and press the knot on it. You may need to use a long stick, but just get the job done. A passageway is going to open—are you memorizing this?"

Heart beating, Severus nodded, his dirty hair flipping around. "Eleven, run under tree, use stick, open knot, passageway," he recited.

"Right. You're going to go through the passageway, and you'll see where Lupin goes every month, all right? And let me tell you, it's hardly as exciting as you think it is," Black said.

Severus' black eyes narrowed into miniscule slits and he clenched his teeth. "And why would you tell me this?" he murmured.

"Because I'm bloody well fed up with you bothering me and my mates!" Sirius declared. "I want you to see it for yourself, and then keep to yourself, snoopy!"

Severus watched him depart. It seemed to be that Black was telling the truth, and besides, at this point Severus was hardly able to resist quelling his curiosity.

* * *

><p>That night, at approximately ten-thirty, Severus snuck out onto the school grounds and waited until the school clock tower tolled eleven. He then crept toward the Whomping Willow until he was close enough to make a run for it. Using all of his strength, Severus booked it to the base of the tree. It was as though the thing had woken up from a slumber. Its branches writhed and twisted, snapped and shook and it let out what could only be described as a guttural moan which was an odd way to consider a tree.<p>

"Shit!" Severus yelped, his heart racing as the branches started swinging. He was far enough under the tree that he wasn't getting clobbered but he had the distinct impression that he was confusing it and making it angry. He reached up to press the knot, but he was too short! He hopped higher, but was only successful in touching it very gingerly with the tips of his fingertips. "Long stick, long stick, long stick! I don't have a long stick!" he shouted to himself, "aaaargh!" He paused for a moment and then slapped his own forehead. "OH, RIGHT!"

He withdrew his wand, pressed it into the knot, and true to Black's word, the trunk of the tree opened up, like a door. A staircase lay just below. It was narrow and twisted down into darkness. Severus grinned hungrily and lighting his wand up like a flashlight, he proceeded down the passageway. He wondered exactly what it was the Lupin was down there doing, because, as his recent theory had gone, it was the full moon. He'd been completely certain that Lupin was either a werewolf, or had been partially infected by a werewolf bite. And, the strange sounds that were coming from the bottom of the passageway certainly sounded inhuman. But, Sirius had said it was nothing. _Maybe he just told me that to shut me up! Maybe he didn't think I'd be brave enough to go see! _thought Severus triumphantly. _Yes, that's it! _

It was getting to be quite a long walk, but the strange creaking noises and yowls were getting louder. At long last, there was dim light seeping into the stairway from under a door. There was a clattering sound from some way up behind Severus on the staircase, but he didn't care about that—not right now. Not when the answer was so entirely close.

Severus stepped down and slowly opened the door. He stared into the dim room and after his eyes had adjusted, he found himself looking at a beast he had only seen in his school textbooks. With gray patchy fur, long legs and enormous claws, the thing was at the opposite end of the plank wood floor, chewing savagely on its own arm. It threw back its head and gave a long, piercing howl that made Severus' blood run cold. Even from his place by the stairs far across the room, Severus could see the glint of its extensive teeth. The sound from the staircase got louder just as the werewolf raised its head and sniffed the air. A growl issued from deep within its throat as it turned its huge head to face Severus. Its' eyes were bright yellow. It let out another howl, and just as Severus was wondering exactly how he was going to get out of this, a person tackled him from behind. "DON'T!" they screamed.

Severus let out a shout, and the werewolf loped toward them, drool dripping out of its jaws.

"Stay back, Snape!" yelled the voice, and the figure from behind him shoved him back onto the stairs. The person ran to the door and slammed it. Hideous scratching sounds came from the other side of the door. "Come on, it won't hold up long! Come on, get up, Snape— quickly, get up!" The person grabbed Severus up by his cloak, and Severus looked into his face.

"POTTER?" he boomed.

"No time for that, come on, we've got to run!" Potter commanded, and for once, Severus did not wish to argue. The two boys ran up the stairs. Severus was panting and breathing heavily, and Potter had to keep grabbing him and pushing him along. Severus begrudgingly supposed all of that Quidditch training came to good use after all. Finally, they emerged into the moonlight. Severus flopped against the Whomping Willow's trunk, sighing and wheezing.

"Snape! Next the tree will get you, come on!" Potter yelled. Severus shook his head, out of breath. "Oh, honestly, Snape." Potter seized him by the shoulder, and charged them forward, dodging one of the Willow's savage branches. Holding onto Severus' middle, he launched them by making a diving jump and they landed in a pile just meters outside of the Willow's reach.

Still panting, Severus shoved Potter off of him and glared. "That was hardly necessary," he said evenly, as though nothing out of the ordinary had occured.

"Are you crazy?" Potter yelled. "I just saved your life!"

Severus shook his head back and forth as though lifting himself out of a daze. "Lupin's a werewolf," he said firmly. "I KNEW IT! What were you thinking, I was an idiot? I knew it!"

"You _are_ kind of an idiot," said Potter bitterly, dusting himself off. "I can't believe you actually trusted Sirius! I can't believe you were stupid enough to come here! You could have been killed!"

"You wanted to murder me!" Severus hollered, pointing at Potter.

"No," snapped Potter. "I didn't. I'd rather like it if you just disappeared, but I don't want you dead. Now, Sirius on the other hand—he could have… well…"

"I'm going to Dumbledore," said Severus. "I'm going to report all of you. Black for attempting to murder me, Lupin for being a werewolf, and you and Pettigrew for aiding him!" Severus jumped up and ran toward the castle.

"Snape! Stop! Dumbledore knows! He knows, all right? He lets Lupin go down there so he won't hurt anyone. Get it through your head! You're not going to get special recognition, or whatever it is you've been writing in your diary about, okay?"

Severus blinked. "He _knows? _ You're lying! YOU'RE LYING! I'm going—"

"Do whatever you want. It's obvious you're psychotic. I'm not going to try arguing with a psycho, honestly, I feel like that's all my life has amounted to lately. GOODNIGHT, Snape," Potter snapped, and shoved past him.

* * *

><p>"It is true, Severus," said Dumbledore calmly. "Lupin is here because he is an excellent student. The fact that he is also a werewolf has nothing to do with that. And I trust you are an empathetic enough soul to keep what occurred tonight a secret."<p>

Severus grumbled under his breath. The entire conversation with Dumbledore had been absolute rubbish. The old man was insane—that much was clear.

"Hm. Well, I must ask you to _promise_ to keep Lupin's identity a secret, or else you will be facing something far worse than detention. I don't like the idea of any of my students interrupting one another's privacy—"

"But Headmaster," urged Severus, "Lupin could have killed me tonight! He could kill everyone!"

"Not if people aren't prying around at night, Severus, which as you and I both know is against school rules," said Dumbledore serenely. "Lemon drop?"

Severus balled his fists and tried not to scream with rage.

* * *

><p>"We need to talk!" Severus called after Lily. He'd followed her out of the greenhouses where she'd emerged with her class, and she'd been trying to ignore him. She was searing with anger. According to rumors that were circulating around Gryffindor tower, Severus had not only been trying to spy on the boys, but he'd gone as far as to try and see if there was something awful hidden beneath the Whomping Willow! And not only was the tree dangerous, but according to Black, Severus was trying to use whatever was down there against them and Potter had saved him from getting hurt! Not only was it evident that Severus had been thinking insanely, it was also embarrassing that he'd had to have been saved by Potter. She was even more irate that they still hadn't discussed fancying each other yet, and that Severus had made little effort to touch her or be close in ages—not since the Astronomy Tower months ago.<p>

"Stop it, Severus," Lily called behind her, the wind whipping her hair around. The week had been awful. Mulciber hadn't tried that spell again, but he'd been merciless toward Mary, and classes had been excruciating. "I don't have time!"

"Lily, please talk to me!"

"It seems to me you say that a lot lately," she said furiously, and twisted around to face him. Her heart dropped at his desperate expression. "What do you want?"

"Look, I know we haven't seen much of each other, and I know you're mad. But I want to say that I need to explain what's been happening—"

Lily shifted her pile of books, readjusting her stance. "And what exactly has been happening?" she asked him.

He walked after her, and she strode a pace ahead of him, heading through the castle courtyard.

"Come on, hear me out. I… _thought we were supposed to be friends? Best friends?"_

**[p. 673- 674. Deathly Hallows.] **

"So how've you been otherwise?" Severus asked breathlessly, after it seemed they had ceased arguing. Lily had made it very clear that she was not going to be interested in Potter any time soon, and despite her complaints about his Slytherin friends, Severus felt lighter than he had in weeks. _If only I could tell her the truth about Lupin. But that sodding Dumbledore'll get me into trouble if I do. _

"I've been busy, as it seems you have," she replied. There was still an edge to her voice that Severus did not understand. "If you promise you're finished following around those boys, we should really try to at least study together soon—"

Severus nodded. "I agree. How was your birthday, anyway?"

Lily's face broke into a smile. "It was all right. It would have been better if you'd have been there."

Severus grinned, and they headed to class side-by-side for the first time in months.

* * *

><p>Time had practically flown by, and it was suddenly mid-March. Lily had spent time studying with Severus, and avoiding Potter, whose intentions had become more and more clear by the day. She and Severus had spent Valentine's Day mocking Sirius and James, who kept getting tearful confessions of love from first years. Classes had been strenuous as ever, with little leisure.<p>

Lily snapped out of her daydreams to find Slughorn at the front of the Potions classroom, beaming widely and twirling his mustache. She'd been preoccupied with thoughts of Severus, and had been trying to ignore it. He had either lost interest or was too bashful to make any more moves on her. They sat next to each other in Defense Against the Dark Arts now, and she'd pray internally he'd brush her with his hand, rub his leg against hers, anything.

"Announcement!" cried Slughorn merrily. "It's finally come! Spring has sprung, my dear students, and Dumbledore has given me permission to throw a formal dance."

At the word 'dance', the room erupted in shouts of elation, booing, gasps, and above all of it, Mary could be heard shrieking from the back of the room.

"Silence!" he cried, and amplified his voice over the noise. It seemed he was just as excited as his fourteen and fifteen year old students. "I've been begging your fine Headmaster to let me plan one of them again, and he's entrusted the task to me once more despite the unfortunate happenings of 1968." Slughorn twirled his mustache most worriedly as though recalling a nightmare, and then went on happily. "But I digress. The dance will occur two Saturdays from now! Partners are encouraged but optional. Food and drink shall be served—"

"THAT'S HARDLY ENOUGH TIME TO BE READY!" screamed Mary.

"Yes, so, I am now deaf," said James. Mary patted the top of his hair in apology.

"What are colors? What's the theme?" burst out Muruvi.

"Do we _have _to dance?" asked Avery, and Rosier punched him in the knee.

Nervously, Lily looked over to the opposite end of the room, hoping to catch eyes with Severus. But, not surprisingly, he was bent over his stupid notebook and still copying out notes off the board as though nothing out of the ordinary was happening around him. Lily crossed her arms and sighed.

* * *

><p>"I don't want a date," Mary was saying loudly that next Friday in the Gryffindor common room. "I don't want to be held down." She made eyes at Sirius, who winked at her.<p>

"I understand that," he said. "Here. Get on my dance card." He handed her a piece of parchment that had at least a dozen names of girls on it. To Lily's annoyance, Mary wrote her name out hugely with stars around it.

"And you, Evans? Are you also a fan of not being held down?" asked James, flopping next to Lily on the couch.

She scooted away from him. "I'm fixing for someone else to ask me," she said. It was partially a lie—she wanted Severus to ask, but she didn't really want to go with him and be seen by everyone at school. She hadn't spoken to Severus in days. But she wanted to keep James at bay.

"Who?" he asked. "I'll bet you one hundred Galleons I'm a better dancer than him—"

"Take him up on that," Sirius said. "You'll make money easily!"

"I don't want to bet," Lily said, turning away from them.

Remus settled in an armchair across from Lily and James. "I'm not a very good dancer," he said quietly, "in fact, I don't really dance at all, but I can try."

"Inspiring words, Moony," James said, grinning and rumpling his hair. "Now, Evans, I'm not kidding. I want to take you to this dance, and I can promise you we will be the most fetching couple there—"

"How could a couple be fetching with you in it, Potter?" Lily retorted. The rest of them burst into guffaws.

James smiled and shook his head at her. "C'mon!" he urged.

"I'd try to dance," went on Remus, "and I also have dress robes I specifically bought for occasions like this. So I guess what I'm wondering is if you and I could possibly go to the dance together, Lily? Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to."

"Funny joke, Moony. Now, Evans—"

But Lily held up her hand to silence James. "I'd like to go with you, Remus," she said cheerfully. "It's a plan."

There was a beat of silence.

"This obviously belongs to you," said Sirius, and dumped his week's winnings from James into Remus' lap.

* * *

><p>"Did you hear about that ridiculous dance that Slughorn's throwing?" whispered Severus dryly to Lily during Potions. "Rosier's going with Avery. I want to choke myself every time I look at them."<p>

"That's mature," Lily muttered.

"What?" Severus asked, and she shook her head. "Anyway," he continued, "I was wanting to know if you'd like to study with me this Saturday night and then go and make fun of all the idiots that are going to be there."

"Can't," Lily said. "I'm going to be one those idiots, Severus." She glared at him.

"Wha—you're joking," he said. "All right, well… You know I don't dance, but I'll go with you—"

Lily drew in a breath and shook her head. "I'm going with Lupin."

Severus' entire body went rigid. "Lupin? LUPIN?"

"Don't shout," she snapped. "He asked me, and I said yes. I'd have thought that, with all your spying, you'd know that—"

"You can't go with Lupin! He's not safe!" Severus cried, feeling on the verge of tears.

"Yes," Lily said sarcastically, "but he's agreed to dance _and _he asked me. On time!" She turned away from him and focused on their bubbling cauldron.

Severus punched the table, and then turned around to send his most hateful glare at Lupin.

* * *

><p>Unable to concentrate on his History of Magic essay, Severus found himself yet again thinking about the Winter Ball that was, by this point, most likely in full procession. Naturally, Severus had opted to stay back and study but he couldn't help but keep worrying about how Lily's time with that blasted halfbreed <em>Remus Lupin <em>was going. Unable to stand it anymore, he slammed shut his textbook and bolted to the Great Hall.

"Doing well, Severus?" nodded Headmaster Dumbledore, coming out of the hall juggling two cups of punch and a large slice of what appeared to be a rather lumpy piece of cake in his hands. Dumbledore noticed Severus eying him, and he cast an amused look to the drinks. "Oh, these aren't _both_ for me. I'm trying to call a truce with Professor Zabini. She still hasn't forgiven me for an ill-timed joke I made about Salazar Slytherin. It was rather tasteless I'm sorry to admit, but it usually makes people laugh, and in all actuality, a Slytherin student told it to me first. Ah, but you have other things on your mind. I can't blame you." Dumbledore gave a merry wink. "Have fun!"

Severus nodded in response, trying to imagine Dumbledore telling a dirty joke. He wondered fleetingly if he'd heard it first from Bellatrix, who seemed to enjoy that kind of thing. He rounded a corner and peered into the Great Hall. It looked significantly different than usual. The tables had been removed, for one. Students were everywhere, dancing, talking, and laughing. There was a large table of refreshments with ice sculptures shaped like mermaids, and large cakes, and an enormous cauldron of punch. A large oak tree stood in the centre of the room, and makeshift wind blew green leaves around them. The stars on the ceiling twinkled above.

Severus spotted Narcissa first, looking exquisite in white dress robes and dancing with Evan Rosier who was wearing dark blue wizard's robes, her hair slicked back. Mulciber and Avery were standing with a large group of Slytherin girls and all of the girls were giggling. Xing Chang was making eyes at Yuko Kimura, a pretty Ravenclaw chaser who stood a head taller than him. Across the room, next to a table set up with what looked to be party favors, were James and Sirius, both in matching powder blue dress robes. Peter seemed to have ripped his own power blue robes on something because he was walking about clasping his backside.

Severus scanned the room, and finally he saw her. Beside Lupin was Lily, her long red hair free and glossy in the candlelight, flowing over her shoulders. She was wearing royal green dress robes that were form-fitting and so long that gold sandals were only just visible underneath the hem of her robes. Throwing back her head and laughing delightedly, she took one Remus' hands and he twirled her stiffly. Severus' chest seized up with loathing as he watched them both laugh. When they broke apart, Lily continued to dance, spinning by herself, her dress robes flowing with her every movement, her eyes joyful.

Severus felt intensely jealous and aware of his want for Lily. He longed to be like Lucius, acting suave and uninterested in public, but here he was, nearly having a heart attack in front of most of the school. He was suddenly very aware of the heat rising out of the Great Hall, that there were too many people, that his robes were much too tight. It felt like such a heavy epiphany that Severus felt the whole room being sucked clear of oxygen. He was ready to get the hell out of there, when…

"Severus!" shouted out Mulciber, knocking Severus out of his realization with such force that he actually felt his knees buckle. Severus gave a half-hearted nod, and only when several other people turned, he headed toward his dorm mates, not wanting to make a scene. He was so busy trying to _not _look like he was watching Lily that he tripped over Chang's foot and made him spill his drink on Kimura. Luckily, Mulciber and Avery seemed to think that this was planned and they each slapped him on the back when he joined the group.

"Where've you been, then?" Avery questioned. "Not working on homework, I hope?"

"History of Magic," Severus blurted out. A few of the girls sneered at him, while others looked away. "Well, I just think dances are rubbish," he explained but none of the girls were listening anymore.

"Hardly,"Mulciber said in his ear. "Cleo's half in love with me. I spiked her punch with a controlling potion I learnt from one of the books you leant me. We've been snogging all night." Now that he mentioned it, Cleopatra Sparks, a very pretty black girl in fifth year, was shooting Mulciber rather saucy looks.

"That's probably against at least ten rules," Severus said, but he had to hand it to his friend—he always had a knack for getting what he wanted.

"Oh, don't go being all Snivellus on us tonight, Severus, you've come so far," Avery hissed, putting his arm around Jasmeet Patil. Across the room, her older brother was looking at them, beside himself with fury. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "You're brilliant at whipping up potions—you could get any girl in this room." He said it as though it was something Severus had never even been crazy enough to dream about, getting any girl in the room. Honestly though, it was true. Severus hadn't dreamt about that, up until now he'd reassured himself that he had better things to think about but now he wasn't so sure. Severus considered it for a second, but that only made him think about how strongly he'd just felt about Lily, and _that _made him feel quite nauseous. He didn't want Lily to like him because he'd _whipped up a potion. _He'd had butterflies in his stomach before about girls, even butterflies for Lily, but these were gigantic worms, writhing around… It was one thing to fancy her, but it was another entirely to fancy her and see her on the arm of Remus Lupin.

Mulciber let out a low whistle. "Check out that rack on MacDonald. And your little Mudblood birthday gram doesn't look half bad, either."

Severus drew a deep breath, the worms wriggling tighter, and then turned to the floor, where Lily and Mary were dancing together. Mary was in deep purple robes, her dark curls scooped back into a French braid, and her robes cut just low enough that her cleavage peeked through. Severus' stomach gave another jolt when he realized that James and Sirius were trying desperately to cut in; they kept dancing around the girls, who would promptly turn their backs, laughing. Lupin watched calmly, smiling slightly.

Evan sidled up, her eyes alight with mischief as usual. "Hello boys. How's the witch hunt?" She gazed around at the half dozen slack-jawed, smiling girls.

"Thought you two were fixing to go out," whispered Severus at Avery who shrugged.

"I'm not really on about her," he said, but Severus had the distinct feeling he was lying.

Severus turned back to the dance floor where Mary Macdonald was now dancing with Sirius Black, her face pressed so deep into his chest that Severus wondered whether she could breathe, but that didn't matter, because Potter and Lily were bantering and laughing. She swatted him away and he continued to dance around her, Sirius jeering him above Mary's head.

"What's that stupid Potter trying to do over there?" Severus grunted, despite telling himself not to draw any attention to Lily. The words were jumping out of his mouth like people abandoning a sinking ship. "He's crazy to think he has any chance, she hates him—"

"Yes, but, Severus," Avery said darkly," Mudbloods _are _easily impressed. _Oh, Potter, show me some of your Quidditch moves?" _he said in a high, hopeful voice. He and Mulciber burst out laughing, and so the girls around them did too.

"They'll probably do it tonight on Potter's broom," Rosier put in, always willing to go the extra mile for a laugh. She made a very grotesque gesture. "He'd better watch out that he doesn't get mud all over his dick!"

Severus' face burned. "That's disgusting—stop—"

"_Oh Jaaames," _said Mulciber deeply, grabbing Severus' shoulder, popping up his foot as though in a romantic embrace from an old film.

_ "Lick my Quaffles!" _Rosier cried out orgasmically, clutching Severus from the opposite side. _"Find my snitch! Ohhh!" _

Severus frowned and pushed both of them away. "That's repulsive. Right, so I think I've had enough. Not to mention I'm getting in the way of your little harem."

"What's the matter with you, Sni—Severus?" Evan asked loudly, putting her hands on her hips. "Just because you couldn't find anyone who'd go with you to this ball doesn't mean you should take it out on us."

"I. Don't. Care. About. Balls." Severus spat, turned on his heel, and charged past the refreshment table. His Slytherin group cracked up laughing behind him.

"Well, at least we know he's not _gay," _Rosier called out.

Severus sighed hugely, sticking his hands in his pockets. He turned angrily toward the dance floor, and stared. Lupin and Lily were dancing close now, and his hand was on her waist. Without thinking, Severus grabbed the first thing he saw, (a spoon), and chucked it as hard as he could at Lupin's head. Given his terrible athletic ability, the utensil instead hit Lily square in the chest. Instantly, they dropped hands, and Lily whipped around. Mulciber, Avery and Rosier cracked up. "NICE ONE, SNAPE!" shrieked Rosier.

Severus met Lily's eyes, blanched whiter than Narcissa's dress robes, and ran out of the Great Hall. He turned left, into an empty hallway that led up to Professor Binn's classroom. "AAARGH!" he shouted, and hit the wall. "Fuck, ow, ow, ow!"

"Hey! Stop it right now—stop hurting yourself! Are you completely crazy?"

Flexing his fingers, Severus hunched over so that his hair covered his face. "Get out of here, Lily," he said quietly. "Go back to Lupin, I'm sure he'll miss you—"

"Oh, please," she said shortly. "You really need to grow up. Throwing a spoon at me? What on earth was that for?"

"It was meant for him!" Severus said. "And… I didn't mean to do it, I just did it!" He peered through his hair at Lily. She looked concerned. That was worse than her being angry. Severus felt the wriggling in his stomach getting worse and worse. He shook his hair out of his eyes and backed up against the wall. "You should go," he said, biting his lip.

"I won't go until we sort this out and you quit being such a prize idiot," she said. "You're mad at me for dancing with Remus? You didn't even know there was a dance!"

"Look, I hate dances!" Severus said, gesticulating wildly. "I hate them so much! They make me anxious. I don't like wearing clothes that are fancy. I like my own clothes. I hate talking to people, and I cannot dance! Not to mention, I had no idea there was a dance until Rosier mentioned it—"

"I may have gone with you if you'd have asked earlier," said Lily softly.

"I wish I'd have known," Severus stated pedantically. "I wish you didn't fancy Lupin of all people."

Lily reached out and grabbed Severus by the wrists. "We were there as friends. Not as a couple. Just as I've been telling you."

"He fancies you, though. So does Potter. Everyone probably does." Severus' tone was getting frantic.

"Everyone _does not _fancy me," Lily said, dropping his wrists and folding her arms. She paused. "_You_ don't," she said sharply.

Severus ran his hands over the front of his shirt, trying to wipe off the sweat. Everything was perfect about the way she looked in her striking green robes. He felt his mouth going dry and he swallowed a few times before he spoke. "Well, you're a prize idiot too, if you really believe that," he said rudely, and then put his head in his hands and sighed loudly. "All right. Yes. Okay. I do, all right? You look—well—you—and Lupin—and I was _angry, _all right, and I was only watching Potter because he said he fancied you and I thought you might go out with him if he asked enough."

It was as though a bomb had dropped. They'd been friends six years now, and Severus was fairly certain he'd been interested in her forever. He felt it was possibly the defining moment of his existence and he waited, breathless, for Lily's response.

"You really must find me stupid if you think I'd go out with that foul show-off," said Lily. Her cheeks were red and her voice was quiet. She turned around, as though checking to make sure they were alone. "Severus…"

They were silent, and the music from the Great Hall seemed very overwhelming. A slow song had begun. Lily's eyes brightened. "It's _Emotion,_" she said, and Severus gave her a quizzical look. "The name of the song," she explained. "We're on our own. I'd really quite like it if you'd dance with me."

Severus stared at her, his heart pounding. "Okay," he said uncertainly, "but I don't know what I'm—"

"All you have to do is act like we did when you first taught me dueling," Lily informed him. "Put your hands on my waist," she instructed, pulling his hands down and placing them there, "and I'll put mine around your neck."

Severus was beside himself. He nodded, and tried to think of a response, but he choked on his words. Instead, he just focused on the fact that they were touching, and they were quite close. He could feel her hips brushing his waist, and she squeezed his neck tenderly, all the while staring into his face with her almond-shaped doe eyes. He was so overwhelmed he had to close his own eyes to collect himself. It was as though he'd been doused in ice water and then set on fire—it was that extreme of a change. They had not been close for what seemed like forever, with months of quarreling and stupid fights, and now, now… This. He knew faintly that they were swaying slightly, but this dancing thing, this was more like embracing. If he'd had known this, he'd have wanted to do it ages ago. Severus felt the pull of an erection starting up but he was too happy to even be self-conscious about that. He opened his eyes, and Lily was still staring up at him, an intense sort of expression on her face.

"Do you… er… want to stop?" he asked uncomfortably.

Lily was quiet, and then brought her arms down so that she was holding him around his chest. They stopped swaying and just stood there like that, holding each other. He could rest his chin on the top of her head; he hadn't known they'd gotten that much of a height difference. It felt so good to feel her pressed up against him while he was hard. And then Lily looked back up at him again, and tentatively ran her hands up his chest as though she was trying not to mess something up. He shivered slightly out of excitement, and lightly squeezed her hips with his hands.

She tossed her hair out of her face and they both stared at each other for some time, touching and embracing. And then, Lily stood up slightly on tiptoes and raised her head toward his. He had no idea what she was doing at first, and then his heart began to pound faster.

Lily closed her eyes then, and so he figured he'd better, too. Slowly, they brought their lips together and both kissed for the very first time. It was nothing more than a peck, really, but then they broke their lips apart and made eye contact, and instantly kissed again, this time for longer. Together, they staggered back toward the wall, so that Severus was pressed up against it. They continued kissing, Severus pulling on her bottom lip with his own lips and Lily searching his face with one hand, stroking his features as though she was trying to memorize him. They rearranged themselves so that Lily was up against the wall now, and Severus held her hands up against the tapestry, kissed her harder, his heartbeat pounding against her chest. He could feel her heartbeat, too.

"Well, I never!" exclaimed a portrait of an old, stuffy aristocrat in irritation. "Young people these days!"

Severus and Lily both sort-of laughed, a kind of embarrassed sound, and Lily opened her mouth a bit more, kissing him harder and wrapping her arms around his neck again. He kissed her cheek, and her forehead, and stroked her back. They kissed again, this time Lily slipping her tongue in between his lips so that it lightly touched his bottom row of teeth. Severus brought his hand down to re-adjust his groin in his trousers, and touched his tongue to hers. They kissed like that for awhile, not letting go of each other.

And then all too soon, there was the roar of the crowd of students filing out into the corridor. The dance was over. Instantly, they broke apart. Lily was smiling, but Severus had a stoic look on his face.

"I'll see you again, right?" he asked hurriedly.

"Of course, stupid," she said, laughing, her face reddening again.

"So…er… you fancy me, too, then?" he clarified.

Lily grinned and shoved his chest lightly. "Don't be daft. I made that clear enough ages ago. I've got to… well, I'd better go—so… I'll see you soon. Okay?"

"Yeah," he nodded hurriedly. "Okay!"

He watched her head off down the hallway, and he sighed happily, leaning back against the wall and smiling more than he felt he had in his entire life.

* * *

><p>AN: You made it this far. What do you think? I don't need lengthy reviews—just a simple one would suffice! Hope you enjoyed it!


	16. Devils and Gods

A/N: Thanks very much for the feedback. If you're only just jumping on board with this fic, I first urge you to start from the beginning (and view the warnings). If you've been reading, congratulations—you're still here and are awesome and deserve all sorts of things I can't give you through the internet, so have this story! I edited this one a lot, and wanted to make sure the loose ends are tied tight, so that the upcoming tragedies can play out, er, "nicely".

* * *

><p>Chapter Sixteen: Devils and Gods<p>

_Summer before fifth year_

* * *

><p>"<em>Beauty's only skin deep."<em>

-THE TEMPTATIONS

* * *

><p>Her cheeks still rosy, Lily ran off down the hallway to join her classmates, trying to think of a viable excuse for being gone so long. She couldn't wipe the silly smile off her face no matter how hard she tried. She'd finally kissed Severus, and not only that but they'd snogged for a very long time. It had been somewhat uncomfortable at first, but Lily had ultimately enjoyed it quite a lot. She especially liked when he'd held her arms over her head and snogged her deeply against the wall. Lily's heart was still fluttering, and she felt a happy sensation in her privates.<p>

Students were hanging out throughout the main hallways and corridors, laughing and hugging. Several others were snogging, and Lily felt decidedly grown-up, knowing she'd been one of those couples. _Couples. _Were they a couple? Lily had no idea what she'd do if they were, or what she'd tell her housemates but she very much wanted to be. Professor Slughorn was grinning while holding a glass of wine and chatting to passerby, and Dumbledore and Professor Zabini had their arms around each other's shoulders, deep in conversation. Lily searched around for her Gryffindor friends, but heard their very loud voices before she saw them.

"Oh, honestly, shut up, James. You were NOT 'so close'!" echoed Sirius' voice. "You have my permission to hex him, Moony. Or even better, beat him up. I'd love to see that fight—"

"You're blind," replied James, sounding arrogantly upbeat as usual. "Anyway, LA LA LA, it was fun. You're right, Mary. Muggle music isn't half bad. Slughorn was smart to include it. _Dancing queen, only seventeen!" _he screamed. Surrounding people burst out laughing.

"Good grief, Potter, I can hear you miles away," said Lily, still unable to hide her smile as she fell into step with a big group of her housemates. She noticed right away that Mary and Sirius were walking rather close to each other.

Mary beamed and hugged her. "Lily! I thought we lost you! I hope you found something bigger than a spoon to chuck back at Snivellus. How awful of him—er—Lily, your makeup's awfully messed up and your hair's fallen all over! What have you been _doing?"_

Lily grinned and laughed, turning crimson again. "Is it? Oh, I don't know. Nothing, really—"

Mary opened her mouth to say more, but her attention was drawn away by Sirius, who was doing a handstand.

"_Did _you sort it out with Snape?" asked Remus, falling back to walk at her side.

She nodded, laughing again. "Oh yes, it was fine. We talked it out. Sorry I had to leave."

"You missed me and Sirius tangoing," announced Potter. "I had a rose in my teeth and everything!" As if to demonstrate, he fell into Sirius' arms and Sirius dipped him backward. "Hello, darling," said Potter, blinking his long eyelashes and Sirius promptly dropped him to the floor.

"You're a very lovely couple," said Lily, and everyone laughed, continuing to talk animatedly. Potter grinned at her, got up off the ground, and kicked Sirius in the behind. She turned to Remus and patted his arm. "Thanks so much," she said in a low voice. "It was a nice favor you did for me."

He smiled at her. "Favor?"

"It was really nice of you to ask me—if you hadn't have jumped in, Potter would have kept bugging me for ages. Besides, I enjoyed your company tonight, Remus. I think you're a really good friend," she said.

Remus looked puzzled. "A friend?" he asked.

_Was Severus right? Does Remus actually fancy me, too? _Lily wondered, flushing a bit. She searched his face for clues. "Uhm—yes, I really have fun with you," she said quickly. Remus was a fairly good-looking boy, and probably one of the nicest people Lily had ever met. But when she hung out with him, she hardly felt the same feverish way she did with Severus. She'd thought that Remus was in the same mindset as she was. "We _are _friends, right?" she prodded, trying to sound neutral but knowing there was a nervous edge to her voice. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt his feelings, especially when she had no way to explain she might be close to having a boyfriend. A boyfriend who hated Remus and went out of his way to be mean to him. Remus was kind, but he probably wouldn't understand—just like all the others.

Remus was silent for a moment but then smiled and nodded. "Of course we're friends. Why wouldn't we be? Excuse me, Lily." With that, he walked ahead of her and re-joined the other boys. Lily watched him fretfully, but he seemed fine. Sirius lifted him up, slung him over his shoulder and ran off with him down the hallway while Peter and Potter followed, whooping loudly.

"Mary," Lily said, "how was your night? I saw you and Sirius getting close—"

"Lily, thank goodness we're alone," Mary said, linking arms with her. "Sirius! Ahh! My heart!" She pressed her hand to her chest. "He's _such _a good dancer. I think he's had lessons or something—and you know, that's all we did but it's something, right? Plus, James is putting in a good word for me. It's sort of our little plot. He says he'll whisper good things about me in Sirius' ear while he's sleeping…"

"Hopefully he doesn't use that creepy voice," Lily said, and Mary laughed.

"Hey," she said, "whatever happened with you and Remus? He was disappointed you went off at the end, I think—he said you looked very pretty—"

Lily sighed and made a pained face.

"I knew it!" Mary said eagerly. "He's _so_ not your type." She wrung her hands. "Oh, poor Remus! James and Sirius both told him he didn't have a chance, honestly we were all surprised that he even asked you to go—he's dreadfully shy—"

"How dare they say that!" Lily said and glowered. "He's great, he's just not—"

"Exciting," finished Mary, shrugging. Lily sighed again and nodded. "I know. We all know. They're trying to get him out of his shell, but they all sort of knew you wouldn't go for him. Of course, James also just wants you for himse—" she widened her eyes and slapped her hands over her mouth. "I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING!"

"How thick do you think I am?" Lily asked, giving her friend a Look. "He's so obvious even I noticed, and I'm rather bad at that—"

"Yes, that's why I thought you still didn't know," Mary chided her. "So, what do you think?"

Lily stopped walking. "What do you mean, what do I think? About _Potter_?"

"Well… Yes?" asked Mary, looking sheepish.

"You're kidding me, right? I've told you. I detest him. Those things he said to Remus? And the way he treats Severus!" Even mentioning Severus' name made Lily's heartbeat quicken. She ignored it. "Besides his loud voice, his hallway workouts, his constant posturing and his _extremely _arrogant Quidditch moves, I hardly notice him at all."

"But don't you at least think he's good looking?" asked Mary. "He gets better looking every day, I'm almost sorry we're over—"

"Why are you pushing him on me, then? As for his looks, he's not bad but the way he acts makes him ugly to me!" she exclaimed.

"I'm not pushing him anywhere," Mary said. "Halfway into dating, we both talked about other people we've fancied. We're really honest with each other. He's my second best friend. After you, of course," she explained. "He said he thought you were good-looking and I told him I liked Sirius. We both had a good laugh about the fact that we fancied each others' best mates, and then our breakup sort of went from there, though we did have a good time practicing snogging together. I won't lie; he is _very_ good at using his hands during make-out sessions. But I suppose I see why you don't like him. You two are pretty opposite. I've told him he needs to stop being so obnoxious but he seems to think it's hilarious."

"Well, it isn't," said Lily stiffly. "The only things I've ever liked that he's done were when he stuck up for you, and also that thing that Sirius mentioned about him saving Severus from whatever's under the Whomping Willow. Severus was in the wrong, going there, and Potter could have been mean about it—but he wasn't. I can see he has some good qualities, but they're buried by his ego. And I definitely don't think we'd be a good couple. I can't stand him. No offense."

Mary shrugged, grinning. "I'll try to tell him, but he won't give up. Just ignore him and he'll eventually stop, I'm sure." She giggled. "I just think it's sort of funny that I'm friends with James and you're friends with Snape. It's kind of bizarre."

"It's definitely bizarre," said Lily, smiling back at her. "So, you're not jealous Potter likes me?"

"No way. I told him that, too. I told him that if I was a boy, I'd frisk you in a heartbeat. Come on, sexy. Let's go!" Mary said saucily.

Lily blushed but laughed as her friend took her by the hand, and they ran all the way back to the dormitories.

* * *

><p>"I see you pulled the wand out of your ass," Avery greeted, as Severus walked into their dorm room smiling faintly. "Bravo, mate. I suppose throwing cutlery at a Mudblood could cure anything."<p>

"Mmhm. Guess so," Severus said, not really listening. He wandered over to his bed and pulled off his raggedy black overcoat, hanging it on one of his bedposts.

"You know, Snape, it doesn't automatically make you cool to come to a formal dance in the most holey clothes you own," Mulciber drawled from his bed, where he was stretched out with the curtains drawn open. "You sort of have to have a more rebellious attitude to pull it off."

"Sure, I know just what you mean," Severus replied, still smiling to himself.

Mulciber and Avery exchanged looks. "Say, Snape, what are you so giddy about anyway? It wasn't that funny," Avery declared.

"You two make fun of Snivellus for being whiny and now you're annoyed he's happy? You're all equally stupid," complained Ethan Middleton from his bed.

"Be quiet, egghead. No one cares what you think," Mulciber said, and turned back to Severus. "If you'd have stayed with us you could have gotten a snog. Those girls were so drugged they may have actually let you."

"I should report you!" Ethan announced, and Avery hexed him with the _Langlok. _

Severus snapped out of his contented daze and glared. "I don't need them. Keep them for yourself."

"Right. You wouldn't be saying that if you got to feel up Jasmeet Patil's bum," said Avery.

"Thought you and Rosier were an item. You asked her to the dance, didn't you? She didn't seem too put out that you were feeling some other girl's arse," said Severus pointedly, pulling off his black wooly socks and tossing them in the small laundry pile beside his bed. "Seemed like she doesn't fancy you too much, or am I wrong, Avery?"

Avery scrunched up his face, looking like he was trying not to explode. He was becoming as red as his hair. "I told you, I'm not on about her. That's all."

"You didn't seem to feel this way until tonight. What changed, I wonder?" Severus asked coolly, wholly enjoying the torture he was obviously putting Avery through. It wasn't often he had the evident upper hand with his dorm mates. Being happy about Lily was all ready doing wonders for keeping his head clear.

"She just wants to be my friend," said Avery through gritted teeth. Severus laughed at him. "Damn it, Snape! Like you know anything about girls! Oh yeah… I forgot. Your gorgeous fake girlfriend from the faraway school. Right."

"Right," said Severus agreeably, and still smiling, he hopped into bed and flicked his wand at his canopy, drawing it shut. _Tomboy Rosier won't give Avery the time of day, and as for me? I snogged Lily, the best looking girl ever. _He stretched out, re-imagining the entire scene, starting with their discourse in the hallway. Not only had he gotten the courage to tell her he fancied her, she'd said she liked him back! Severus figured no one else's first kiss was as good as his. He couldn't stop thinking about the way Lily had slipped her tongue into his mouth, and pressed herself against him. _Fuck. _He was quickly getting hard again, and he fought the urge to wank himself. He wasn't sure where he and Lily were going, but it seemed like things were looking good.

The only difficult thing would be keeping it a secret from his bloodist friends. He was fairly certain that if Rosier found out they'd snogged, let alone said they fancied each other, she'd get the word out to Lucius and the Blacks in a heartbeat. Rosier wasn't the only one, either. Mulciber and Avery wouldn't be far behind her, and Severus was sure the whole thing would make Narcissa turn her nose up instantly at him. Bellatrix would be intolerable. Not that he cared much for Bellatrix besides looking at her nice body, but still… He definitely couldn't lose his friends, however rigid they all were. Particularly Lucius, of course. Other than the Mudblood-hating, they were a fair group. Severus had never had friends that weren't Lily, after all.

Thinking of how both Narcissa and Astrid loved being flaunted around the school by Lucius and Lockhart respectively, Severus realized that Lily might not like being kept a secret from Severus' friends. Severus vowed to himself he'd try to never bring it up. If she asked why he didn't want to tell his friends they were together, maybe he could come up with some corny reason. That would take work to come up with, but it might be worth it. Getting on Lily's bad side was Severus' least favorite pastime.

* * *

><p>"Hi, Severus," greeted Lily the next Monday morning as they passed each other in the second floor hallway. She hadn't seen him all of Sunday, but she'd looked for him. In the Great Hall during mealtimes, they'd made eye contact and smile, but that was the extent of their interactions. Lily was happy that none of her friends were with her. She'd rather been looking forward to talking to him, and didn't want to make things awkward by having to pretend they hadn't snogged on Saturday. She figured Severus would be offended if he knew she was afraid to tell people she liked him. She was even ashamed of it, but she needed to wait until she felt comfortable telling people. If they ended up together, she'd have to, but for now she didn't want people talking.<p>

He slowed down to a stop, and smiled back at her. His arms were full of books and he had an ink stain on his cheek. In the past, she probably wouldn't have thought anything of it, but now the ink blot and load of reading material made her smile to herself. "Hey," he said, giving her a nod. He looked around them, and then walked closer to her. "How's it going?"

"It's going well," she said. "Quite well."

"Me, too. Though I'm stacked with work. The stuff we're doing in Transfigurations and Potions is at least useful but I'm disappointed with Defense Against the Dark Arts this year. It's usually my favorite subject. That bloody Professor Mullingsberg is the worst teacher I've ever had," Severus complained, though Lily noticed his tone was a lot less bitter than usual. "All the assignments he gives out are just—"

"Busy work," Lily filled in, and Severus nodded rapidly. "I know!" she said, her heart thumping. "He's terrible. I think I'd learn much more if I took a class from you on the subject. You'd be a brilliant Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher—"

Severus' wan face went a bit pink. "Really?" he sputtered, averting his gaze. "I think I'd be a shit teacher, actually. I wouldn't like teaching most of the people here, they're all dunderheads—"

"If you got over it, you'd be good, though," said Lily, purposefully flipping her hair backward. "You've taught me a lot. You're smart—"

"You're smart, too," he said, swallowing, "and much nicer than me, so you could probably put up with them better. Anyway. Thanks." He cleared his throat. "You're wearing your skirt differently."

Lily's ears reddened, and she tugged on the hem slightly. "Oh. Yeah," she said, trying to be casual. It was true. Whereas it used to sit at the knee, it was now pulled up past her thighs. She'd seen Mary doing it that morning (for what she was certain was a tactic to woo Sirius), and she figured it wouldn't hurt. She'd also spent considerable more time on her hair and makeup, at Mary's prodding. The truth was, she hadn't been able to think of much of anything besides kissing Severus. It was sort of overwhelming. She flipped her hair back again. "Do you like it?" she asked, testing out a slightly flirtatious tone.

"Yes," Severus nodded several times. "Yes, very much."

She liked the effect this was having on him. "You've got something—here—I'll get it." Reaching forward she wiped the side of his face where the bit of ink had smeared.

"I'm always doing that," he mumbled, looking embarrassed and wiping his face more with his sleeve. "I've er… I've got to get to this stupid study group, otherwise I'd… you know… stay here, or whatever—"

"I have to get to Herbology," she said. "Maybe we could take a walk at the end of the week? I'll be free Friday night."

"Okay, yeah, I want to do that," he said, his voice quivering slightly. "I'll see you in Potions later. But… er…" He paused. "I'm thinking maybe we should keep what happened between just us."

Lily stared at him, surprised. It was precisely what she was going to bring up, but she wondered why he had addressed it first. "Why?" she asked.

"Oh, you know. People here gossip a lot. Rosier's got a big mouth, and let's not even talk about MacDonald, and… I er—I just want to be more private than that, I guess," he said, looking uncomfortable.

"Me, too," she said quickly, still surprised. "In fact, you really don't have to tell anyone. It's okay with me."

"It is?" he asked. "Okay," he repeated. "Cool. It's not that I didn't like it—"

"Severus, I know you did. Don't worry. I did, too. I really did," Lily said, feeling upbeat. This made it easier for her. He was eying the bit of her leg that was showing again. A bit teasingly, she tugged up on the hem of her skirt as though she was adjusting it, watching his eyes widen as she showed more skin.

"All right…" he muttered, as though transfixed. He finally looked up into her eyes and nodded again. "Right, well, see you in class."

"See you," she said, waving. They took off in opposite directions.

"Evans!" greeted Amos Diggory, the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain and that year's Head Boy. "All right?" He smiled at her as he walked past, surrounded by other seventh year boys.

"Yes, you?" Lily said, smiling back. She had no idea he'd even known her name.

"Who _is _that girl, Amos?" she heard one of the boys ask. "Introduce me next time, or I'll hex you."

* * *

><p>Severus hurried out onto the school grounds, utterly excited to meet Lily. When he got to the clock tower, his expression instantly morphed into a frown. Lily was not alone. She was with Potter, and they were arguing loudly.<p>

"I told you, I'm awful in Potions!" Potter said. "So, why won't you let me join this study group you're off to?"

"Because… Because it's sort of exclusive," Lily said. "You can't join it."

"Members only? Exclusive access? Important indeed, aren't you, Evans?" Potter joked loudly, and then turned on his heel. "Why, lookie who's snaking about! Good afternoon, Snivellus!"

Lily shoved him lightly and Severus' stomach turned, seeing her touch him like that. "Stop it!" she said.

"Yes, good afternoon, Potter," sneered Severus in monotone. "What are you doing with Lily?"

"Severus!" Lily warned.

"None of your business," said Potter. "I'm surprised to see you of all people out in the sunlight. I thought you slept in your coffin all day—"

Severus walked nearer to them and narrowed his eyes. "No, I'm not a monster. Unlike some people _you _hang around—"

"Oy, you shouldn't talk about things you obviously know nothing about!" Potter said sharply, his usual goofy grin gone.

"_Oh_, I think I know plenty about what I'm saying," Severus smiled grimly, folding his arms and wriggling his fingers like long, thin worms.

"I don't think you do," Potter snapped.

At this point, they were nose to nose, Potter's long, thin proboscis nearly touching Severus' large, hooked one.

"Yes, I do. You know I do," said Severus through gritted teeth.

"You scum! You swore you wouldn't talk about it," Potter said angrily.

"What are you two babbling about?" Lily demanded, her hands on her hips. "Severus, if you're on about Remus again, you need to stop—it's a rumor!"

"I'm not scum! Shut up! You're scum!" Severus yelled, hardly hearing Lily.

"You want to fight me? Try! I dare you! You little weirdo!" Potter shot a look at Lily that Severus didn't appreciate, and puffed up his chest.

"LITTLE? I'M TALLER THAN YOU ARE!" screamed Severus, also shooting Lily a look. "Forget fighting. I'd win any duel, fair and square—what are you anyway, a wizard or a Muggle?—"

"Yeah, because you're a wimp who can't brawl—" Potter interrupted.

"Never seen you _brawl_, Potter. Is that what they're calling it these days? Do you and Black practice _brawling _while you're doing your morning stretches in the hallway for the entire fucking school to see?"

"And anyway," went on Potter, ignoring Severus, "what's wrong with being a Muggle? You've just insulted Lily's family. You should be more sensitive, Snivellus—"

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY AND YOU KNOW IT!" snarled Severus, withdrawing his wand.

Lily jumped between them. "Stop it!" she shouted, pulling Severus back from James gently. "Potter, get out of here. Go away. You probably have a Quidditch game to train for—"

Severus grinned. "You heard her," he said.

Potter's eyes widened behind his spectacles. "You're kidding, Evans. You're siding with Snivellus? He's being a right bastard!"

"And what are you being?" Lily asked snappishly. "A kind, innocent person as usual? I told you to leave, Potter. You'd do best to listen to me."

"Once again, Snivellus is rescued by Evans—"

-"She's _not _rescuing me!"

"GO, POTTER!" Lily affirmed loudly, pointing toward the castle.

Potter glared at the both of them and shoved his glasses up his pointed nose. "Well, that's rich. That's really rich!" With that, he stomped off across the grounds.

Severus grinned at her. "Brilliant, you. Making him leave like that. That was great—"

But his grin faded when he noticed Lily was giving him one of her trademark, slit-eyed frowns that meant she was very unhappy. "Severus," she said slowly, in a tone he did not much care for. "I don't like when you talk to people like that—"

"But, it's Potter!" Severus' voice, on the other hand, suddenly sounded very small and high in comparison.

She held up her hand to silence him, and he bit his lip. "_Severus. _I. Don't. Like. It. It's rude, and it's very unfriendly—"

"What do you take me for, a Hufflepuff? I hate Potter, and I'll never be nice to him. Why was he with you, anyway?" Severus could not contain his jealousy anymore. He abhorred the stupid way James Potter looked at her, and the cocky way he spoke about her as though she was an object he could simply have if only he tried hard enough.

"I couldn't shake him after Herbology," she said. "He kept asking who I was meeting—"

-"I _hate _him talking to you," put in Severus quickly, and stomped the ground. "I fucking hate it. You shouldn't let him talk to you—"

"That's impossible," Lily said, rolling her eyes. Severus could feel his blood pressure rising. "We live together. How am I going to stop him from speaking to me?"

"Tell him to shut up every time he opens up his stupid fucking mouth!" Severus growled, narrowing his own eyes at her. "It's easy."

"And what should I do every time _you _open _your _stupid, fucking mouth?" asked Lily harshly.

Severus' eyes widened and he stared at her blankly.

"That's how you sound!" Lily burst out. "What do you think you are, tough?"

"Of course I'm tough," Severus said back, a little hurt.

"All right, all right. Of course you are," said Lily, and her tone sounded much lighter. "I don't want to row with you over something as dumb as Potter talking to me. Normally I ignore him or walk away—"

"'s'all you had to say," mumbled Severus. "I just hate that he fancies you. I wish he didn't. I wish only I did."

"But I don' care if he does. I only fancy you," said Lily shyly.

"Yeah?" he said, a crooked smile forming on his face. "That's good." Above them, the sun went behind a cluster of clouds and the sky darkened considerably. Lily stared at him, her green eyes intense as ever. "What's wrong? Do I have ink on my face again?"

"No," said Lily quietly, and then smiled. "I was just hoping you would snog me."

Severus felt his knees get a little wobbly. He'd been thinking about it since Saturday, but was determined not to act too rashly. If he acted completely on what his fantasies had been telling him lately, he'd have been on Lily in a heartbeat. "Oh," he said. "Okay…" One of the things he liked about Lily was how forward she was; it was very helpful since sometimes he felt awkward. But it was somewhat overwhelming when she was so frank in times such as this. "So… I'll just…" He trailed off, and then took the plunge, leaning into her and kissing her firmly on the lips.

Lily kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck again. The way she felt in his arms was different. They'd hugged as friends, but this was a new sort of hug. Usually, those embraces were quick and comfortable. This new way of hugging that had begun on Saturday put them excitingly close to each other, pressed so near that Severus could feel their hearts beating, could feel Lily's breathing rise and fall in her chest, could feel her large, soft breasts pushed up against him. It was almost overwhelming how good this was.

Above them, clouds kept rolling in and a light rumble of thunder sounded in the sky.

"Let's get walking. I want to go somewhere more private," Lily said, and she walked ahead of him. He followed dutifully, finding it a bit questionable that she kept a good few paces in front of him until they'd passed into the cluster of trees by the lake. At that point, she fell back in stride with him and stood closer to him. He wondered what she was acting so secretive for—maybe it had to do with him suggesting they keep it between them? This was going easier than he'd expected. At this rate, they could do whatever they wanted _and _he could keep his friends in the dark. It was too good to be true, Severus thought happily. To top it off, Lily slipped her hand into his. Severus' heart jumped in his chest. The grounds were completely deserted, and they stood together for a few moments, quietly watching the water ripple in the spring breeze.

Severus turned his head to look at her. Before she noticed him looking, he watched her gazing at the lake. Her bright eyes were radiant, and a sort of calm smile was on her face. Her dark red hair fluttered around her shoulders. He wanted to remember how she looked at that moment forever. When she noticed him watching her, she looked up at him; her eyes were wide and expectant. He leant down and kissed her, slowly pushing his hand through her silky hair. Lily moved closer to him, kissed him back and put her hands on his chest.

"I like your eyes," she said suddenly, brushing his too-long bangs away from his face.

Severus snorted. "They're plain. Not like yours. Yours are the prettiest I've ever seen. They're like really nice-looking grass, like at the houses in your parents' neighborhood. Or like… I don't know. Like a color that hasn't even been invented."

Lily laughed pleasantly. "Well, thank you, but yours are hardly plain." She stared at him so intently he averted his eyes—he certainly wasn't used to being at the end of someone else's approving gaze. "Yours are like deep down in the ocean. The abyss. I read about it in a book. I've always thought so."

"Isn't that where the fish are ugly, like with sharp teeth and no one can go all the way down there because they'll die and all that?" he asked.

"Leave it to you to turn my compliment around," Lily teased, and on tiptoe, she pushed her lips onto his as though his tendency to be overly analytical and pessimistic was endearing. Pleased, he smiled while kissing her back. "Summer's soon," she said, pulling away. "Only another month. I'm so ready to be finished with school. Slughorn's throwing an end of the year party—are you coming?"

Severus gave a morbid smile. "I didn't get an invite. I have a feeling he's hoping I'll have forgotten all about his Slug Club—"

"Don't be silly. I mention you to him often. He's really proud of your work in Potions. I just think he likes when people think he's really cool." Lily flopped down to the grass and Severus followed suit. "Worship him, and all that."

"I don't. I think he's a bother. I probably won't come to that party—it'll just annoy me. Regulus is all excited that he's been invited to join. I told him not to be too thrilled. But Slughorn's always going on and on about what a great Quidditch player he is, it's so stupid, they're like best friends—"

Lily made a face. "I don't know Regulus well, but from what Sirius says, he's a complete brat."

"Yeah, well, _Sirius _is one to talk. I don't know how you can put up with him so much," Severus said.

"Apparently his life at home isn't good," put in Lily, shrugging. "You should at least consider that—"

-"Oh, I've considered it," Severus said, rolling his eyes and leaning back, the cool grass feeling good on his hands. "I've considered it and I think it's a bad excuse for being an asshole. You know what he did, right? He pranked me. He wanted me to die below the Whomping Willow—he wanted me to see…" He trailed off, wishing he could tell Lily the full truth, but he didn't want Dumbledore breathing down his neck. "Anyway, he wanted me to get killed, or seriously injured. All for a laugh."

"We talked about this before, but I'll say it again. I don't think that's completely right," said Lily loftily. "He told Mary and me about it—_he _said you overheard him telling Potter. That you eavesdropped and made your own conclusion, and that Potter got you out of there just in time."

"Well, that's complete bullshit," Severus said. "Of course he'd tell you two that—he'd tell you anything to make himself look better. He told me to go down there, knowing full well what he was doing. And Potter… Like I said before, he just wanted to save Black from getting expelled. Even Potter admitted as much that Black wanted me to die—but Potter didn't care, he just didn't want Black in trouble. Not that Dumbledore would've cared if I'd have died. He hates me."

Lily snickered. "Dumbledore doesn't hate anyone."

"He hates me," Severus said firmly. "So is your friend loudmouth MacDonald going to date Sirius now?" he asked in a disparaging tone. "They were getting pretty close at the ball."

"No," Lily replied slowly. "I don't know if Sirius wants to date anyone—"

"Of course not," scoffed Severus. "He's way too cool for that, I'm sure."

"Can we stop? All it does is get you in a foul mood," Lily said.

"I'm just telling you the truth," Severus said gravely. "But I don't want to talk about them anyway."

"Good," said Lily. "What are your summer plans?"

"You're joking, right? What do I ever do?" Severus asked dryly.

"Shut up," Lily told him flippantly, and tossed a handful of grass at him.

"What are you, four years old?" he asked, smirking and brushing off his lap. "Where are you going this summer?"

"Nowhere," Lily replied. "I'll be home. I'm hoping we can see each other a lot."

Severus' heartbeat quickened. "I want to," he nodded, and then paused. "You're not going to tell your parents I kissed you, right?"

"No way," Lily replied, shuddering. "Besides," she said slyly, "it was me who kissed you."

"I kissed you first today," Severus said.

"Only because I told you to," said Lily a bit devilishly.

He leaned over and snogged her on the lips. "There," he said.

"You only did that to prove a point so it doesn't count," Lily told him.

"Fine," Severus said, an edge to his voice. Kissing her was still so new that he was feeling sort of sensitive about it. He wasn't sure how to ask if she liked it—it seemed she did. But he had no technique to speak of, and he had no idea what he was supposed to do. He knew she was only teasing, but he felt very much on the defensive. "See if I kiss you again."

"Don't be like that," Lily urged, and to his delight, she leaned into him, putting her head against his shoulder. The thunder above them rumbled again, and fat raindrops began to fall like bullets from the sky. Shouting and laughing, they ran back to the castle and bid each other goodbyes.

It was as though a gap had been filled in their friendship, as though they should have always been kissing and sitting close, and hugging the new way. It was as though they were doing something they'd been meant to do all along. Severus had a new sort of skip in his step, albeit a slightly off kilter one.

* * *

><p>"Enjoy your summer, Snape," said Mulciber as they exited the train, giving a wave. "You should visit me sometime." Mulciber and Avery had been particularly nice to Severus since the night he'd insulted Avery's bad luck with Rosier. It seemed this made him a much more favorable person in their eyes, and the shift in the group dynamic had been dramatic. The last few dueling club meetings had been a great lot of fun. Everyone still insulted each other mercilessly, but it was good all the same. Since the dance, Rosier had become considerably more tolerable. Severus had no idea why she'd changed, but she was quieter, more morose, and thus a lot easier to put up with. Regulus was suddenly the same height as Severus and was talking in a deeper voice. This must have been a gradual change, but since Severus didn't pay too much attention to him, he was quite disturbed by it. He, of course, was still irritated beyond belief with him, but he helped him study Defense Against the Dark Arts anyway (yelling at him anytime he got an answer wrong, of course). These things had kept Severus busy, which was good because he and Lily had hardly seen each other due to finals and papers. Time away from her was difficult but his friends made it almost bearable.<p>

"Come visit me, too," said Regulus, waving. "We can come up with ways to torture Sirius."

"Get stuffed," Black said from behind Regulus in a rude tone of voice. "Besides, if you invite Snivellus over to our house, I will make certain you die a horrible death, Reg—"

"I'd like to see you try. What would you do? Make my pillow explode or put a jumpy legs jinx on me? I know all the kind of cute shit you and Potter get up to, Sirius. If I wanted to, I could kill youway faster than you could kill me," Regulus said smartly. "Besides, you know full well that Mother will let me have whoever I want over. Unlike you. She thinks your friends are obnoxious."

"There's no way in hell I'm bringing any of _my _friends back into the insanity of our house. I honor my friends more than that," Sirius retorted. "Come on, slowpoke. We don't want dearest Mothergetting her titties all twisted—"

"I'm telling her you said that—"

-"What difference does it make? I'm all ready grounded and we haven't gotten home yet," Sirius said nonchalantly.

"Serves you right," Regulus said, and they walked off arguing loudly.

"Fuck Black," said Severus, rolling his eyes. "I hope Regulus does kill him. It'd be worth Azkaban. Later, all." Out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of dark red hair, and his stomach turned pleasantly.

"Bye Snape," said Rosier. "I'll be reading those books you leant me." The others said their goodbyes as well. Narcissa smiled at Severus as he tried discreetly to walk toward Lily, who had promised he could ride with her home. Unfortunately, Lily was also saying her goodbyes. Lupin, Black, Potter, MacDonald and Pettigrew were all hanging around her with a portly blonde woman who Severus instantly knew was Pettigrew's mother.

"I'm telling you, Evans. You'll never see anything like it—you should go with me," Potter was saying loudly.

"No thanks," Lily said. "I'd rather not. Have a good summer, everyone."

Pettigrew and Lupin walked off with Pettigrew's mother, and Potter shrugged, walking off to join a nicely dressed couple that had to be his parents who immediately showered him in hugs. Mary and Lily chattered loudly, laughing about something. As if sensing his stare, Lily turned around. "Oh—hello Severus," she said, a bit formally. "Here to get a ride?" Mary turned her nose up at him.

"Er… yes," Severus nodded, giving her a strange look.

"Bye Mary!" Lily said instantly, and walked off into the crowd. Severus followed her as she looked around for her parents. He hurried to catch up.

"Are you afraid of being seen with me?" Severus asked her wryly.

Lily turned around, her eyes wide. "Why would you ever say that?" she asked.

"Kidding," he said.

"Oh," she said, smiling weakly. "Right. There's my dad! Let's go, Sev."

The car ride was as awkward as usual. Mr. Evans kept glancing at Severus and asking tons of the sorts of questions grown-ups wanted to know when they didn't care about you, such as asking how the train was and whether Severus had enjoyed the last term. Instead of going to the Evans' home as usual, Lily's father swung around to Spinner's End to drop him off right away. Lily and Severus exchanged glances in the rearview mirror. Despite what Lily said, Severus got the distinct impression that her father was beginning to dislike him.

At Severus' own home, things were as dismal as usual. One of the front windows had been smashed in, leaving a sizable gap that looked unsightly and the entire house smelled rank, like a combination of garbage and ancient standing water. Tobias was not home at all too often which was pleasing, but his mum was so utterly quiet that Severus worried for how things might be this summer. Severus spent time the first few days playing with Poe and reading, and wondering if it was too soon to pay Lily a visit.

* * *

><p>"So Lily, how have you been?" asked Petunia cordially as the sisters washed and dried the dishes after supper.<p>

Lily stared at her in shock for a moment, and then smiled. "I've been really great! I aced my test on elixirs and I got top marks on my report on Britain's most haunted places for History of Ma—"

"I'm not interested in your school achievements, if you can call them that," said Petunia crisply. "I only wondered if you were personally doing well."

Lily blinked at her. "Oh. Yes. I am personally doing well," she said, humorously trying to sound overly stuffy. "Are you personally doing well?"

"Go ahead," said Petunia, throwing down the dish rag she'd been using to dry. "Mock me. You're flawless, as ever. By the way," she added in a harsh whisper before Lily could respond to her other comments, "Mother isn't going to like the way you're dressed. How much leg do you have to show, anyway? I think it's highly inappropriate that you go to a co-ed school. Who knows what you're _really _learning." She flounced away.

"Tuney!" Lily said urgently. "I wasn't mocking you, I was joking—Tuney!" She sighed heavily and tugged down her skirt.

It was obvious that Petunia had little interest in being close, but Lily's parents seemed to have other ideas. They had all sorts of activities in mind for the sisters to bond over.

"Tuney, you could take Lily shopping for some new shorts," suggested Mother over breakfast the next morning. "Perhaps shorts that go past the knees?"

Petunia gave Lily a look that clearly said _Told you so. _"Mother, I told you—today I'm going to Tabby's. We're going to curl our hair."

"Why not bring your sister along?" suggested Father cheerfully, looking over his work papers at the dining room table. "She could curl her hair, too, couldn't she?"

Lily opened her mouth to protest but Petunia beat her to it. "No, Daddy," she said scornfully. "Lily can find enough to do without coming with me to _my _friend's house—"

"Petunia Evans, you know your sister is gone from the neighborhood for most of the year! Come summers, she has no one to play with! Save for Severus, and lord knows Lily needs other girlfriends! He's suitable for certain things, but Lily seems to have grown past him," Mother said.

Lily gritted her teeth, wondering if she should feel guiltier than she did. She also took great offense to the word _play. _No one _played _anymore. "Mother, I'm fine—I have enough to do—"

"That boy gets stranger and stranger," muttered Father. "I have issues with people that can't hold eye contact. And I could've sworn I smelt cigarette smoke—"

"I knew he was smoking," Petunia spat, crossing her arms and shoving her nearly full plate of food out of the way.

"He doesn't smoke," Lily lied, "he just wears hand-me-down clothes—"

"That's even worse. Why would you hang around him when he wears someone else's smelly old clothes?"

"Why are we still arguing about this, girls?" asked Father absent-mindedly, flipping through the pages of his work. "Clearly, Petunia, Lily could come with you to Tabby's—"

"She has enough to do!" Petunia reiterated, cutting across their father, who hardly noticed. "Answering more fan mail from boys, no doubt—"

"What's that?" asked their father, suddenly listening with undivided attention.

Lily shot Petunia a very nasty look. "What is it you're on about?"

"I know you write letters to boys," Petunia said, but less boldly than before. "I saw you writing to that Remus you've mentioned, and a Frank, and you wrote Severus all last break—"

"How dare you!" Lily burst out. "Those are letters to my friends! Did you _read _them?"

"No way," said Petunia, crinkling her nose. "Anyway, it's not like _you _care about _my_ privacy—"

"That was years ago!" Lily squawked. "You're being unfair!"

"Mother, I don't like that Lily has so many male friends," said Petunia primly. "What's she learning at that school, anyway?"

"You sound like an old lady," Lily told her sister bitterly.

"I won't say what you _look_ like," said Petunia, "because it would be rude."

"Girls!" Mother said loudly. "Stop treating each other this way! It's entirely impolite. Lord knows I won't force you two to be close but I'm quite sick of the bickering year after year. You used to be such dear little friends."

The girls both glared at each other across the table. "That was a long time ago," Petunia said stiffly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get ready." She shoved off the table and headed upstairs.

"_Do _you have a lot of boyfriends?" asked Father, taking off his spectacles and focusing on her, a serious look on his face. Mother looked at her, too.

"I don't have any!" Lily said loudly. "Petunia's making something into a big deal that doesn't even exist. I've never had a boyfriend—"

-"Because if we need to talk about boys and sex again, you can always talk to me," said Mother.

"I was a young boy once, you know," joked Father. "I know I could throw in a few stories."

"No," Lily said, humiliated, shaking her head from side to side in a very rigid manner. "I have friends that are boys, but nothing like a boyfriend." She said it so strongly, it almost seemed real. After all, Severus wasn't her boyfriend. Not yet.

* * *

><p>"And so <em>then <em>my mother said, _If you need to talk about boys and sex again, just let me know,_" Lily recited in what Severus thought was a very accurate impression of her uptight mother.

"You've actually discussed sex with your parents?" Severus asked, grimacing. He jumped down from their tree in the clearing and landed beside Lily, who was stretched out in the grass.

"Yes, but that was quite a long time ago. I told you when it happened—"

"Yeah, but you didn't say what they said."

Lily rolled her eyes, grinning. "I don't _want _to say what my mother said. It was so embarrassing. All this kind of mysterious information that didn't quite make sense. When we looked at that magazine you had, it was the first time I actually got what sex was about. Before I saw that, I thought people just sort of lay on top of each other."

Severus snickered. "I guess I could see why you thought that. I just always thought it was something dirty people did."

"Yes, but you saw your parents doing it when you were way too young," Lily said firmly, looking at him.

"Suppose so," he muttered, a bit self-conscious that she remembered that detail.

"_And _Malfoy and Bellatrix," said Lily teasingly.

Severus snorted. "I didn't see them fully doing it," he clarified. "Only a few things—"

"That's enough to scar you for life," Lily joked. "Sirius says Dumbledore used to teach a course on sexual urges, but Malfoy's father protested it so much that now it's an optional weekend class that happens every so often. I guess Dumbledore gives a lecture and then you can go eat ice cream. It's supposed to prove that sex isn't bad for you, or something."

"Thank God that's optional," Severus said, shuddering. "I'd sooner pluck my eyelashes out." Lily snickered.

They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment, and then snogged quickly. When they broke apart, Lily stood up. To Severus' disappointment, she had to go to a family dinner for some of her father's work achievements. They bid each other goodbye and when Severus returned home, there was a letter waiting for him. It was in a very smart envelope and a serpent seal was pressed onto it. He opened it carefully, planning to save the snake seal. The letter was written in very neat silver cursive.

_Dear Severus, _it began, _I do hope it was not too improper of me to obtain your address from Lucius. I could have gone through him but I felt it would be better manners to contact you myself. How was your fourth year at Hogwarts? Your passion for your studies definitely brought me back to the times I spent at that school. I am hoping you ended the year pleasantly. I write to inform you of an event that will be happening this July. I wish to gather yourself and some of your fellow students who congregated at Lucius' birthday party last summer for a gathering I will be hosting at the Malfoy Manor. It will be a social affair, but has to do with an idea that I have been working on for some time. Abraxus has been kind and charitable enough to help the funding and supply the location. I'd like you to attend, as I believe you could be an asset to me. We did not speak for long, but I've heard quite good things about you. As I said, opening an apothecary is a fine side occupation, but I have an opportunity for you that may gain you great prestige. It will be a sort of networking event. All will be explained. Please RSVP with your response. I look forward to hearing from you. _

_All the best, _

_T. M. Riddle _

Printed under Riddle's loopy signature was a tiny design. Severus looked closely at the paper. It seemed to be a skull with a snake emerging from its mouth. It was one of the coolest things Severus felt he had ever seen. He was happy to be included, and besides, the gathering sounded like something perfect for him. Since he'd started at Hogwarts, he'd been hoping for someone to notice his talents. Whatever Tom Riddle was planning, he seemed keen on Severus being involved. Perhaps this would be Severus' lucky year.

When Lily returned home from dinner with her family, she had a letter as well. She ripped it open hastily and then sighed.

_Dear Evans, _

_Hope your summer is full of sunshine and that you don't have to put up with Snivellus too much. Mary says you're his neighbor—you should get a special award for putting up with him twelve months out of the year. I'd be pulling my hair out, and that's saying something because I find my hair quite fetching. She also says you're Snivellus' best friend but I know she was only saying that to put me off you. It didn't work because I really think you're tops, despite having horrible taste in friends. _

_I think you should re-consider coming with me and my family to the Quidditch World Cup. You've probably never gotten to do something as fun, and a huge portion of the wizarding community goes. It would be a new experience for you, and I know my Mum and Dad would love meeting you. I've told them about everyone in our year. Sirius is here right now, and he says hello, plus some other things I won't write because he's being annoying— _

There was a distinct change in handwriting. Replacing Potter's large, messy writing were neat, stylized letters that were all capitalized:

-_HI EVANS. JAMES WON'T LET ME WRITE TO YOU BUT HE JUST WENT TO THE LOO SO NOW I'M WRITING TO YOU. HOW ARE YOU, EVANS? HOPE YOU ARE ABLE TO ENJOY THE SUN AND THAT YOU ARE WEARING SWIMSUITS OFTEN. PLEASE SAY YOU WON'T COME TO THE CUP, BECAUSE THEN I GET TO GO—_

_Good Godric. I suppose it's my own fault for making bad choices as to who I hang around. Perhaps you and I have that in common? Anyway, please don't listen to Sirius. I think it would be really fun if you came with me to the Cup, or if you came up to Manchester just for a visit. My house is quite big and my parents are nice, and my Dad's a good cook (if you count spells as cooking—he does). Anyway, wipe Snivellus' nose for us and check his armpits and give your bossy big sister kisses and all that. I'll pummel Sirius and I'm still reserving that ticket for you. _

_Later!_

_James (Prongs) _

_PS: Oh, and Sirius wants me to tell you to try and tell Snape all kinds of bad things about his brother—you should tell him that Regulus is saying Snape stinks and make them fight. That would be funny, don't you think so? _

Lily was about to write a short response instructing James not to contact her again and for him to give Sirius the ticket when another owl tapped at her window. It was Mary's Eagle owl Muffin, and as soon as Lily opened the window he crashed into her bed and chattered excitedly, dropping the letter and then preening himself.

_Dear Lily!_

_I'm sorry—James has just told me he wrote you a letter. I gave him your address but I didn't think he was going to write you a letter! He said it was really funny, which means it will probably annoy you and so I'm sorry. I'm sorry! sorry! sorry! Please don't be mad at me. Hope your summer's really good so far. I'm hanging out with the boys this coming week. You're invited, though I know you probably won't want to. Just so you know, Remus wasn't too offended by you not fancying him. He is sort of a weird boy. I think he was just happy you went with him, honestly. No developments between Sirius and me. He mentioned some girl named Fiona—what kind of name is that? I've decided to develop an interest in someone else. Possibly someone older. I need experience. If you know any older, hot boys with big pricks, let me know. Does your neighbor have a brother? Tell him hi for me. Hope you aren't mad at me for giving James your address. _

_XOXOXO, love love!_

_Mary_

Lily shook her head. And what on earth _did _Mary suppose James was going to do with her address? At least he hadn't paid her a visit. Horrified at the thought, Lily made a silent prayer that Potter had lost her address.

* * *

><p>"You're not going, are you?" asked Severus sulkily, tossing the letter from Potter down. "And my armpits don't need checking. That happened so long ago! Honestly, he's the biggest fucking dipshit I've ever known, why does he have to mention how big his house is, what a berk—"<p>

Lily knew she should have never mentioned the letter. After she'd complained about James writing he'd pressed her to see it, saying if he couldn't he'd never know what she and James were corresponding about privately. They'd taken a walk past Spinner's End and were hanging around the dilapidated mill. It was a change of scenery but it was rather depressing. "Of course I'm not going. Are you mad at me? I wouldn't go if Potter begged me and paid me!" she exclaimed, grabbing back the letter.

"You aren't keeping that, right?" Severus asked. "What are you going to do, read it every night—"

"Severus, shut it! I don't fancy Potter! What can I say to make you understand that?" Lily asserted.

Severus shrugged, a smile forming on his lips that he quickly covered with a frown. "I just don't want him to like you."

"Honestly, I don't think he really does. It's almost as if he's doing it as a joke because he knows it annoys me."

Severus stared at her hard. "Don't be stupid. I _know _he likes you. Either way, I don't want you writing him."

Lily chuckled. "I wrote him to tell him not to write me, and I let him know Sirius can definitely have the ticket—"

"Good," said Severus in a forceful voice. "But I wish you hadn't said anything."

"Fine," Lily said back. She ripped up the letter and tossed it on the ground. "I'm not going to write anything else to him. Believe me, Severus."

"I believe you," he said. He wasn't sure why it upset him so much; after all, it was obvious that Lily disliked Potter. He just didn't like that Potter was so insistent on asking Lily to hang out, particularly since he couldn't even tell Potter to back off. He would very much like to, but then word might get out that he and Lily had snogged and then what would he say to his Slytherin friends? They kept walking, Severus wishing desperately he could pluck up the courage to kiss her, but he wanted very much to act indifferent. "I may be going to a party at Lucius'," he began, but Lily cut him off with a derisive snort.

"Great," she said sarcastically. "You're mad at me because Potter wrote me, and you're going to a party at Lucius'. How many times do I have to tell you how foul he was to me?"

"I know," Severus shrugged lamely, "but he's my friend. You hate my friends, I hate yours. It's even. And really, you can't take what he says to heart. He's extremely dramatic. Anyway, he's got this family friend—rather, it's his father's friend—and his name is Riddle. Tom Riddle. I got invited to a sort of event at Lucius' that's supposed to be about careers after school or something. Riddle says he's trying to reform Hogwarts. Least, that's what I got out of it. He's not very happy about Dumbledore's way of running it."

"You mentioned that Riddle person," Lily said, picking up a stone and tossing it down the lane. "Why doesn't he like Dumbledore? I think Dumbledore's insanely brilliant."

"Insane being the operative word," Severus said, and Lily punched him in the arm. "Yikes!" he exclaimed, rubbing it. "I may have to start calling you Rosier. _Anyway, _I think I might have to agree with Riddle. Look, I know you like Dumbledore, but you haven't had much interaction with him. I know he's smart and all that, but I don't like the way he chooses favorites. I'll bet you he was a Gryffindor."

"I'm so sick of bets," Lily complained.

Severus gave her a questioning look, but she did not explain. "So, my point is that I think Dumbledore's got good ideas but he's rather old. And honestly, what does he do? He's not very often out and about, except when he creeps up on you and calls you out for something. When Black beat me—" he paused, blushing slightly—" I mean, when Black and I beat each other up, Black hardly got a slap on the wrist. I've been spoken to twice by McGonagall, when does the Fabulous Four ever get a talking to? Besides, the Fabulous Four is such a stupid nickname—it's a direct rip off of the Beatles anyway."

"They didn't come up with it, some other people did. They're just popular in Gryffindor—people like them, they think they're funny. And I'm not arguing with you, Sev… but they've gotten in trouble loads of times. Practically every day, in fact. McGonagall's constantly giving them detentions. We lose points all the time because of the stuff they do, but then they earn back points for doing well on spells and work in class. The last week of school, Sirius and Potter both got a telling off for engorging this boy's head. Sirius got grounded by his mother before even going home. Which is probably why he's staying at Potter's place."

Severus kicked an old rusty tin can, and it spiraled around in front of them. "No one gets it, though. It's like you said. Everyone thinks they're funny. They don't see the truth. Everyone thinks they're just so cool."

"I don't," Lily responded immediately. "And honestly, I don't understand why you care so much. It's not even like you have to see them very often. Besides, it seems like things have gotten better between all of you." She turned to Severus, who was making a very skeptical face. "Oh come on, now! Beyond the Whomping Willow and you trying to make Remus out to be some sort of freak, I've hardly heard you speak about them. I haven't seen you all duel in ages. I think if you simply keep ignoring them, there won't be a problem."

"As long as they ignore me," Severus said simply. Potter was getting under his skin worse and worse every day, though. Ever since he'd overheard Potter talking about Lily, Severus couldn't stop thinking about how much he hated everything about him. Potter was like an itch he could never seem to scratch.

"I want to know more about this Riddle person," Lily said, obviously trying to change the subject. "I hope it works out for you. Though it seems rather foggy. Is that all he told you about what he's doing?"

"He said I could be an asset to him. Lucius told him I make my own spells, and Riddle was impressed with my marks. He seemed like he was interested in me. I don't meet many adults like that," Severus replied.

Lily smiled. "I think you deserve it, if it's something good. You certainly work hard enough."

Severus nodded, and then smiled back at her crookedly.

* * *

><p>The summer was going pretty good, but Severus could have done with a lot more physical intimacy with Lily. It was all he thought about when he was on his own. It felt even worse than before they'd kissed because now he knew what he was missing. They snogged a few times when they hung out, but that began to be few and far between because Lily's family always took her on small holidays and day trips. On those days, Severus spent his time outside. He only spoke to his parents when he had to—otherwise, it had been a very silent time at home. Early July, his father addressed him directly for the first time.<p>

"You. Get over here. What's this?" Tobias snapped, pointing to the bathroom counter.

Severus looked in the room, and instantly, a wave of panic pulsed through his body. On the counter was the condom he'd been given by Abbigale two winters ago. He'd kept it for good measure, and sometimes kept it in the pocket of his trousers. That day, he'd taken it out before his shower for a stupid, silly reason. He'd inspected it thoroughly and imagined putting it on to have sex with Lily, and then ended up turning on the shower water while he masturbated. He'd then forgotten to hide it again. Mortified, Severus shrugged. "It's nothing," he managed to say in a low voice, his hair hiding his face.

"Oh, I know it's nothing," Tobias went on, sneering sharply. "Like you're going to use it. Please. A little runt like you. You'd be lucky to have a girl sneeze on you."

Severus' shoulders hunched over more, if possible. Tobias could mock him for being a wizard and he could berate his mother and Severus would instantly argue back, but this, given the recent circumstances, was a tender subject. Not only was Severus terrified he wouldn't be able to have sex with Lily right, he was concerned he'd never get to. He figured he had to at least kiss her a bit more to get to that point, but he ached for it now. Tobias' words cut through him like the curse he'd been working on, the _Sectumsempra. _"A girl likes me," Severus muttered, but his voice was very small.

"Don't lie to yourself," Tobias said. "It's pathetic. When I was your age, I'd all ready fucked two girls. It's obvious you take after your mum's side. Freaks and recluses, the lot of them."

Severus wanted to protest, but he couldn't find the words.

Tobias snatched up the rubber and thrust it at him. "Honestly though, you'd be better off giving it to me. I can promise you I'll use it far before you ever will." Laughing sadistically, Severus' father sidled back to the living room. Severus' face was hot with humiliation. He figured it was pretty stupid he'd held onto that condom this entire time, especially since his first kiss had only happened a few weeks ago. What was he thinking? Lily was the most attractive girl at Hogwarts, and he shouldn't be acting like such a fool around her. Tears stinging in his black eyes, Severus tossed the condom into the toilet and flushed, watching it whir round and round until it disappeared.

* * *

><p>"You're sure everything's all right?" asked Lily. It was obvious that Severus had been in a desolate mood for the past few days, and she wasn't quite certain what was wrong. To top it off, he was leaving for Malfoy's to attend that Riddle person's party, and they'd barely snogged the whole summer, save for a few quick pecks here and there.<p>

Severus nodded slowly. "I just need some time to think about things."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No. Not at all," he replied quickly, but she wondered if he was being truthful. Sometimes, she could read his exaggerated expressions like a book, but in times like this he was unreadable. He was definitely talented at shutting others out. Lily had known him enough to see when he was in his head or having a hard time. His large black eyes would be unfocused, and he'd be quicker to protest or snap.

She nodded, mirroring him. She'd even worn her new sundress today, and he'd barely looked at her, instead hanging his head down and speaking in barely audible tones. Lily wished she could confide in Mary, who certainly would do her best to help if it was anyone but Severus. Fancying Severus was difficult, Lily was realizing. It was even more difficult than being his mate. She didn't wish he was different exactly, but he was beginning to bother her with his guarded behavior. She longed for him to kiss her, or try to be close. She found it strange he'd been so physically close to her last year, and now when he knew absolutely sure the feeling was mutual, he seemed to have little interest in doing so again.

"Well, well, well. Thought you hardly saw each other anymore. So, is this where you sneak off to when you say you're going to the library? I knew you'd be here," came Petunia's cold voice from behind them.

Lily turned around quickly. Petunia never came to the clearing. She'd stopped once a tree branch had hit her shoulder when they were all kids. She made to answer, but Severus did first.

"Look who it is. The Muggle spy," he said quietly, through clenched teeth.

"Severus," Lily pleaded. She faced her sister. "Look, Petunia, I _do _go to the library—Severus and I are just discussing school things—"

"Stop calling me a Muggle!" Petunia snapped, ignoring Lily. She was pointing at Severus, her nails covered in garish pink polish that clashed horribly with her yellow blonde hair.

"What else would I call you?" asked Severus deeply, glaring daggers. "You are one."

Petunia laughed. "And I suppose you still think you're special? Look at you. Not much has really changed over the years. You're still dirty and poorly dressed. Lily says you wash your hair, but I'm not certain."

"I—I do too wash my hair!" Severus stammered. He sent Lily a fleeting glance. It was obvious he'd lost his cool. "Of course I do! I just showered yesterday."

"I can see how oily it is from here. You're disgusting," said Petunia, a simper on her face. She almost looked impressive in her pressed white dress with matching white Mary Janes, one hand placed coolly upon her hip. "Do your parents even care about you, I wonder?"

"PETUNIA!" Lily shouted, jumping up.

"You're a bitch," Severus snarled. A nasty feeling filled Lily's stomach.

"Nice company you keep, Lily. He's a real class act." Petunia shook her head. "Honestly. With everything Mother and Daddy have done for you, I'd think you'd be more grateful."

"Petunia," Lily hissed, "leave him alone."

"I was finished here anyway," Petunia said. "Have fun together. Interesting how you're always telling our parents that you never see him anymore. See you." She headed off through the woods.

"I should curse her!" Severus shouted, flexing his fingers.

Lily pulled him back. "And what? Get expelled? She's just being difficult—I have to head her off, she can't go there and get the upper hand."

Severus growled and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Well," he said gruffly. "See you later." With not as much as a hug, he stomped off in the opposite direction.

Lily internally debated who she should follow. She figured that following Petunia would do her the best in the long run. "Hey! Stop it!" she cried. "Slow down! It's not what you think. We get together to talk about classes and things—"

"That boy has been following you around like a dog since the day we met him, Lily. I'm not an idiot. I suppose I'm just a little worried that my little sister is possibly romantically interested in the biggest dirtbag I've ever met in my life." Petunia's voice was surprisingly even as she turned around and stared into Lily's green eyes with her pale blue ones.

_How does she know? She can't have seen anything! She's just a little gossip! _Lily tried desperately to pull a straight face, but her heart was pounding unpleasantly in her chest. "Severus and I, we're just friends—"

"Maybe _you're_ friends with him, but it's obvious in the way that little creep hangs around you," said Petunia, pursing her lips. "For your own good, I should probably tell Daddy and Mother my suspicions—"

"Don't do this, Petunia," said Lily loudly, grabbing her sister by the shoulder and gripping her hard. Petunia's keen eye was a bit scary sometimes. "You don't have any evidence—"

"Stay away from him, Lily. He's foul!" Petunia yelled.

"He's my friend!" Lily snarled.

"And I just don't understand that. You've always been too nice to people, but this is ridiculous," Petunia shot back. They looked so opposite—Petunia slight and straight-backed, formal and serious and Lily with her bright hair and curves, her round features and striking eyes. Lily's teal summer dress evoked images of cheery hummingbirds, while Petunia's white outfit brought to mind gulls.

Petunia wrenched herself out of Lily's grasp and looked at her disapprovingly. "I'm very worried for what you're going to become," she said.

"What will I become? I don't like Severus! I've told you the truth!" Lily felt desperate. She needed to cling to the way her family saw her—it was important.

"Well, I warned you. And if I need to, I _will _tell our parents. That boy is bad, Lily," Petunia sniffed. With that, she flounced off, and Lily was left alone. She took the long way home, looping around the park. She was frustrated at Severus' lack of communication but even more annoyed at Petunia. Severus was not bad, he was different—Petunia was just trying to find ways to hurt Lily. To top it off, Lily arrived in her room to find yet another letter on her windowsill.

_Hi Evans, _

_It's a shame you didn't come to the Quidditch Cup, because it was brilliant. Sirius was alright company but he's not half as good looking as you are. Ouch, he's just singed my eyebrows because I told him I said that. He said if I admit he's prettier than you, he'll put them right. But I can't tell a lie that large. Oh dear, he's just blown up my chess set. I think you should come with me to the Chudley Canons match in August. They always lose, but they're great to watch. My parents will get you a ticket, and we can probably pick you up, too, if you don't mind Apparating. Mum and Dad haven't really met too many Muggles, though I've got one for an uncle. He's it, though, and all his kids have been to Hogwarts. Are you the only witch in your family? I have to say, I couldn't believe you were a Muggle-born, just because you're great in every class. Mary says I shouldn't write you anymore, but I'm just saying hi. So hi. _

_-James (Prongs)_

_PS: Really, let me know if you can come to the game._

_PPS: SAY YOU'LL COME SO THEY GET A TICKET AND THEN CANCEL SO I CAN HAVE IT. –SIRIUS_

Frowning, Lily took out a quill and parchment and quickly scratched out a response:

_To Potter,_

_Stop writing to me. I have absolutely no interest in how physically attractive you do or do not find me. I think you are obnoxious and stuck up. I don't want to see you this summer. I want you to leave me alone. I know this may come off as rude, but honestly—get a clue. _

_Sincerely, _

_Lily Evans _

* * *

><p>"You again," said Hagawthe Malfoy quietly, opening the front door to Malfoy Manor and staring at Severus dubiously. His dark hair was cut so that a curl hung down his forehead, and he was wearing a very smart set of dress robes. It had been quite awhile since Severus had first met Lucius' brother and he hadn't missed him at all. "I'd have thought Lucius would have gotten bored of you by now."<p>

"Can I come in?" asked Severus, curling his lip.

"What is it, Hagawthe? A party crasher?" came a tinny voice from inside. "Do be sure to check my guest list."

Instantly Hagawthe budged away from the door. "No, Tom. It's Snape, one of my brother's friends—"

"Snape!" exclaimed Riddle, coming into view and opening the door wide, nearly pushing Hagawthe out of the way. "How good to see you. My, Hagawthe, I shouldn't entrust you with the duty of door, it seems. You'll scare all my guests away—"

"You're here for the party?" Hagawathe asked in disbelief.

"I hardly see why that tone is necessary," said Tom, smiling thinly. "Come, Snape, come in. The event is happening in the main drawing room. I'm sure the elves will find a space for your belongings." He let Severus in, and put his arm around his shoulder, leading him into the house. Hagawthe stared after them.

Severus at once felt at home, despite being put off by the large amount of guests and the dogs (there were only two at this point—Heathcliffe had become a stuffed ornament, his face twisted into a forever snarl). Things with his family had made him so depressed that this was a welcome change. His budding romance with Lily was exciting, but his father's comments had made him self-conscious, not to mention the things Lily's idiotic Muggle sister had said. Severus felt confident in the company of Lucius and the others.

Hagawthe's pretty, caramel-skinned wife was there with their toddler who kept trying to push over Lucius' parents' expensive vases, and everyone had to continuously reconstruct them with spells. The others from last time were present, including Rosier, Avery, Mulciber, MacNair, Bellatrix, and Narcissa. Lucius was in grand spirits, and gave Severus a fond hug. Others were also there: a brother and sister who had graduated from Slytherin a few years ago, two large friends named Crabbe and Goyle who seemed to like to argue about politics without knowing much of what they were speaking about, and a handful of older socialites who seemed to be friends of both Abraxus and Riddle. To Severus' dismay, Slughorn showed up, bearing expensive wine and gifts for Riddle. He and Riddle embraced, and Slughorn went on for about an hour about what a wonderful student Riddle had been when he'd gone to Hogwarts. Severus noticed how Slughorn's behavior toward him changed after learning that Riddle had invited him to the party.

"A brilliant student is this one!" Slughorn boomed, clapping Severus on the back. "He's going to go far—I snapped him up for my club when he was merely a boy. I knew he'd be great—such talent—"

Riddle smiled. "You do know how to pick the best. I'd like to think I learned that quality from you, in a way." Slughorn grinned pleasantly. Riddle winked playfully at Severus. People wove in and out through the halls, socializing and eating, drinking wine and other spirits. When the clock struck six, Riddle wrangled everyone into the drawing room, a drink in his hand—a simple vodka sour, of course.

The effect he had on them was marvelous. Everyone was quiet, and gathered around him, on couches and chairs, some standing around the mantelpiece and pianos, leaning on the walls in front of tapestries depicting gruesome wars. Severus chose the couch, and sat next to Lucius and Bellatrix, who was staring at Riddle as though he was a god. Severus supposed with his strong chin and wavy hair, straight teeth and fitted robes, he did look very important. It was so silent that the clock could be heard ticking from the hallway.

"Good evening," said Riddle, his voice as sharp and clear as glass. Hagawthe's child began to cry, and Abraxus instantly hexed his mouth shut. "I was hoping for a large turnout, and my, my. _What _a turnout."

Slughorn smiled and waved his half-empty wine glass in the air. Riddle raised his own glass, smiling back. "I have looked far and wide for people who give me a feeling—a feeling that I can trust them, a feeling that they can do well for my cause. This is only the beginning, though it had been progressing in my mind for some time what I'd like to do. I don't like the way things are going in our world."

Abraxus clapped, and MacNair nodded. Severus wondered what he'd been missing, for he had no idea what Riddle meant. Still, he mirrored MacNair and nodded solemnly.

"Wizards are hidden all over the world," went on Riddle. "Some don't even know that they possess great talent. They are punished for their powers. Persecuted. Abused. Killed, in some cases."

Severus instantly thought of Lanxus, his mother's brother, his head bashed in, blood pouring out of his skull like a red river. He tuned back into Riddle's speech to see that Riddle was becoming rather emotional. His pale face was angry, and he had balled his left fist as though ready to fight.

"Muggles hold the power," he was saying. Several people scoffed. "You don't think they do?" asked Riddle, his tone a bit condescending. "Your children can't perform magic outside of Hogwarts. Why? _Muggles _might be scared. Unless you live in a wizard community, or a specific village, you must hide your magical talents. Why? _Muggles _might find out, might be outraged about our world. Sure, wizards come out to Muggles daily. Particularly kind wizards promise their Muggle _friends—" _Riddle sneered—"that they can do favors for them, useful spells to make their lives easier. It starts out simply enough. But then the Muggles become greedy." Riddle whipped out his wand, and flicked a jet of white light at a tapestry behind him. As though playing a movie, the tapestry came to life.

Magical beasts were screaming, falling bloody and dead to the ground while Muggle warriors shot arrows and canons at them. Witches were tied above fires, wizards being gutted by ferocious looking Muggles. The magical folk had children running amok, trying to defend themselves in the fray, but their spells weren't strong enough. The children in the background of the tapestry were tied to stakes, beaten.

Rendered speechless, Severus looked around the room. Bellatrix had tears shining in her eyes, Narcissa was covering Regulus' face, and everyone else looked disgusted, murmuring angrily to each other.

"All because they wanted what we had and found themselves incapable," said Riddle crisply, and shot another jet of light at the brutal scene. The tapestry went still and again, the room was silent. "Muggles are gluttonous, jealous beings, ruining what they have and coveting what they do not." He sipped his drink gingerly, and began to walk slowly throughout the room, making eye contact with his audience. "And now a new problem has arisen—a problem which was dealt with much differently when I was a boy. Now I have dated myself," he smiled. "I have watched the acceptance of Muggle-borns rise, and I have been shocked. No longer does anyone raise an eyebrow when a Muggle-born comes to Hogwarts. They are everywhere—in the Ministry holding high profile positions, privy to important information at Gringotts, writing news stories… I have a fear that I know many of you share. I fear that very soon, our world will no longer be a secret. There are certain public figures who spout idealizations they have for a wizard and Muggle relationship that simply does not, and will not, exist." Riddle's voice was rising. "Wizards have become lazy. Wizards are getting stupid about this Mudblood problem. Very soon, our world will be an open book and we will go right back to this, right back to where we came from—" Riddle pointed to the back wall tapestry. "Our world will be destroyed and I fear that this time, we will not have the means to build it back up. Our current leaders, _Dumbledore _being one of the worst, are leading us blindly into the third battle between Muggles and wizard kind. I'm proposing a change—a revolutionary movement to alter the depressing future of our great society. I want to close the Ministry. Purebloods should hold the esteemed positions and Halfbloods can be interviewed harshly to determine whether they are worthy enough. No more Muggle-borns holding power. No more Muggle-borns working behind the scenes at Gringotts. Hogwarts should go back to the way it was intended to be— high blood _wizards only." _

The room erupted in cheers and clapping, though Severus noticed that Professor Slughorn was swirling the bit of wine left in his drink a bit nervously.

"NO Muggle-borns. NO more special house visits to accept Mudblood students into our ranks. Who knows when we might mistakenly happen upon an anti-magic Muggle household? Have we prepared ourselves for angry Muggles? For armed Muggles? Have we become so obsessed with harmony that we have become incoherent? Muggles are NOT our allies! Muggles are NOT our equals! Muggles have tried to ruin us before, and by Salazar, I will _NOT _let them do so again. There was a special sect of wizards in the dark ages. These wizards persisted against the evil Muggles and saved our societies, our traditions. These wizards used their skills in spells to overthrow the Muggles, and used their weaknesses against them. These wizards were known as Death Eaters. Pureblood and purebred, they were strong, and smart, and fought hard. They were successful, ambitious... So-named for the hunger they had for the deaths of their Muggle enemies. I am looking for a group of young wizards who also have that hunger. I am looking for my Death Eaters."

Impressed, Severus clapped with the rest of them. Riddle certainly knew how to deliver a speech. He'd be a much better History of Magic professor than Binns, in Severus' opinion.


	17. We've Only Just Begun

A/N: Corrections are beginning to be made, including proper British terms and word usage. Again, thanks so very much for the feedback. Things start to get sexy and awful simultaneously. And I have to admit, I LOVE sexy/awful things. I also got to use a nickname for Snape that a friend and I created years ago but never got to put in a fanfic- poor Severus. I was going to speed things along- but I wanted to appease you all by putting in some romance. Please review.

* * *

><p>Chapter Seventeen: We've Only Just Begun<p>

_Year Five: Late August until October_

* * *

><p>"<em>You act like you're fourteen years old- everything you say is so<em>

_obnoxious, funny, true and mean. I want to be your blowjob queen._

_You're probably shy and introspective. That's not part of my objective._

_I just want your fresh young jimmy jamming, slamming, ramming in me."_

-LIZ PHAIR, "Flower", Exile in Guyville

* * *

><p>"It was very nice to see you, Tom," Professor Slughorn was saying, shaking Riddle's hand vigorously but not quite looking at him in the eye anymore. Riddle had just stepped down from his place in the front of the room and everyone was mingling again, speaking in excited tones. "I am afraid I forgot about my massage appointment—er—she gets irritated if I arrive even ten minutes late, so… you understand, of course…"<p>

Severus looked past Mulciber and Rosier, watching their professor in great interest. He'd never seen Slughorn so uncomfortable, so out of his element. Since the speech, he'd been sitting on his own and twisting his mustache worriedly. Severus wondered why his mood had changed so drastically. With a smirk, Severus supposed it was perhaps because he was not being treated like a celebrity. On the other hand, most everyone had flocked around Riddle, all of them vying for one moment of his time. Riddle had a cool expression on as Slughorn shook his head. He bent in and whispered something in Slughorn's ear. Slughorn shrugged, and averted his gaze even more drastically.

"Of course, of course," he nodded rapidly, "it's just, I keep private about these matters is all. Of course, you understand, of course? Goodnight." With that, he was gone.

Riddle stared, his eyes flashing, and then turned to his left to accept praise from Bellatrix, who was clutching her heart.

"My father would love him," Rosier went on, "he's been saying for ages that Hogwarts needs to stop admitting Mudbloods. I mean, just look at Pettigrew. He's a bloody disaster, can't even do simple spells—"

"Pettigrew's a Pureblood. My mother was in school with his mother," Mulciber put in, and at Rosier's raised eyebrow he chuckled quietly. "I know. Pathetic, isn't it? Anyway, my parents feel the same as yours, Rosier. What about your mother, Snape?"

"I've never cared much for Muggles, and my mum's that way as well. Of course, I think a lot of them are stupid but some of them are actually dangerous, like Riddle was saying—"

"That's the part I don't get," said Mulciber. "Muggles have absolutely no control over us. They have no magic powers—they think they're well-equipped, what with their weapon and all but they don't understand that wizards and witches are a billion times more powerful than they are. That's what _my_ mother says—"

"They have the upper hand because we have to hide," argued Severus. "My mum knows about it firsthand. She saw something really bad happen when she was a kid—"

Rosier and Mulciber looked invigorated. "What did she see?" Rosier pressed.

"She and her brother were looking for potions ingredients outside near their house, and some neighborhood Muggles were making fun of them. Well, her brother took out his wand, which of course made the Muggles realize they were right about what my mum and uncle were. They beat my uncle's head in and he died. My mum saw it all," Severus explained. Rosier and Mulciber were staring at him with their mouths hanging open.

"It happens more than the Daily Prophet reports it occurring, I can assure you of that," said Riddle from behind Severus. He patted Severus' shoulder. "Excuse me for eavesdropping, but I just couldn't help but hear your story." He stepped into their circle, pressing his long hands together as though in a prayer. "These are the kinds of things we are supposed to forgive and forget. I'll assume your mother has not forgotten."

"Absolutely not," Severus responded. "She's got no one left, really. We're… we're on our own now, practically. She's really careful about who knows us. When I was little, I couldn't really play with anybody because my mum didn't want anyone knowing she was a witch." He had no idea why he was sharing all of this, but Riddle was such a good listener.

"I'm sorry," said Riddle simply. "I hope you know now that you were not the problem, and that your mother was only acting on your defense." Severus nodded.

Mulciber and Rosier were silent, regarding Riddle as though he were prime minister. But Severus spoke. "You're a really good speaker," he said, looking Riddle in the eyes. "I didn't know things like what happened to my mum go on so often—"

"Oh, since the beginning, Muggles have been shoving wizards into the dark," explained Riddle calmly. "When Abraxus and I went to school at Hogwarts, it was already changing. I recall seeing a Pureblood student harassed because the Muggle-born students argued that their magic wasn't learned, it was simply talent. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone knows that even the purest families can produce squibs. Magic is not hereditary—"

"Are there exceptions to all this?" Severus asked logically, enjoying the academic way that Riddle was speaking to him. "I mean, can there be some Mudbloods who aren't bad, who wizards can trust?" He was, of course, considering Lily. She was no threat—if anything, she was more understanding than many Purebloods of Severus.

"Oh, obviously," said Riddle, and his eyes glittered. Severus felt relieved. "There are always exceptions. But they sometimes are very few and far between. However, I've seen a few remarkable Mudbloods in my day. As long as they know their place, they can be wonderful assets to the cause. Most of them would die to be Pureblood. They'd crawl on their hands and knees and grovel to make up for the acts of their ancestors. Those Mudbloods know their place."

Severus nodded slowly. It made a lot of sense, but there was something bothering him. He figured it was something he needed to take up with Riddle one on one.

"Is everyone enjoying themselves?" asked Lucius pleasantly, joining their group.

Riddle put an arm over his shoulder. "Lucius, my young friend… You have invited some choice guests. I hope to get to know everyone in time, but I've been enjoying myself learning more about Regulus and Severus. You know, you all remind me of when I was in school. I've always found that Slytherins have the strongest bonds. Though I'm not going to discriminate." He smiled softly and looked back at Lucius. "Didn't you say you also had a few Ravenclaw friends?"

"Gilderoy is being a flake," Lucius said, rolling his eyes. "He's on holiday somewhere in France—"

"He's the one who is gifted in memory charms, Lucius?"

"Yes, he was the best at Hogwarts—"

Riddle nodded to himself slowly. "Yes, I _would _like to meet him. But no matter. And Evan, we've hardly gotten to speak, but Lucius says you're quite good at defensive spells—"

"Sure," said Rosier, looking nervous. "Most curses bounce right off me—"

Severus snorted. "Because _I _taught you how to block them so well. Really, you'd be nothing without me."

Rosier reddened and looked appalled.

"Oh, I like Severus!" said Riddle delightedly to Lucius, chucking delicately. "I like Severus a great deal."

Feeling just as appalled as Rosier looked, Severus felt a strange sensation seeping through him. He actually felt somewhat respected by Riddle. Usually, people hated him at first and only slightly liked him later, especially adults. This was a welcome change.

* * *

><p>"He'll get over you, Lily. He's just completely horny and sort of insane about you," Mary chattered to Lily as they walked around Flourish and Blots for their school books. "Yuck, I can't believe you actually <em>want <em>to be in Advanced Potions. I'd sooner drink poison—"

"But you're _good_ at Potions, Mary," Lily replied, "and please, don't ever talk about Potter being horny again, that's an image I don't need in my brain—"

"Don't be a prude, Lily. All boys are horny. I would take him out of his misery, but our friendship would get too complicated. He agrees. We're trying to find each other _someone, _it's just not working out too well which is weird because I know for a fact we're both really good-looking," said Mary, shrugging and picking up a copy of _From Apoozles to Zuskees: An Alphabetical Guide to Demented Magical Beasts._ Lily couldn't resist smiling at her friend's overblown ego. "And Slughorn didn't give me a high enough mark. Though I suppose I could have worked harder. I put all my effort into making my relationship with James work, and look where that got me—"

"Not all boys are horny," Lily replied, thinking of how she and Severus had barely kissed at all. Their snogging at the ball had almost been too good—what if that was it? He'd never returned to Spinner's End, no doubt still hanging out with that pompous Lucius Malfoy. He hadn't even sent post. Not that Lily had either. Still, she felt she'd been communicative enough. Every day, she thought about him, and wished he'd come back. "Honestly, I think sometimes that's all you care about—"

"Boys are my life," Mary said firmly. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I will have a proper man by mid year, I promise you." Apparently she'd had a very exciting summer. Her family had gone to France and she'd ended up meeting and snogging a Hogwarts graduate named Lockhart who she said was very good-looking. They'd spent vacation frolicking on the beach and applying suntan lotion to each other's backs. "Gildy would be perfect, but he has a girlfriend. And Astrid Greengrass is cute enough, but I think because Gilderoy and I both have curls, we'd look better together," Mary explained for the thousandth time. "I wonder if she knows we fooled around." She sighed. "Things might be odd back at school, but I'm going to be sure to look really fantastic everyday in order to scare her away. Then Lockhart might pick me."

Lily stuffed a copy of _Advanced Potion Making _into her basket. "Sounds like a fool-proof plan."

"Or James' friend from the Quidditch team, Patil," Mary went on. "He's gorgeous. I've never seen such big, brown eyes—"

"Is there anyone you don't fancy?" asked Lily quietly.

"And he's a great player as well," Mary said.

"It's a serious question. Is there?" asked Lily.

"At least we could snog in his room," Mary went on, fingering a book on love potions.

"His room?" Lily inquired, confused. "Wouldn't you get in trouble?"

"If we were caught. Sirius told me girls can go to boys' dorms, just not the opposite," Mary replied. "Besides, no one would dare tell. I'd curse them." Mary gave Lily an evil look, which Lily figured was because she'd announced to her friend only minutes ago that she'd been made a Prefect.

"How _are _things with Sirius, anyway?" asked Lily, mentally damning him for telling Mary she could go to boys' dorms.

"Sirius-smearius," said Mary reproachfully. "I've forgotten about him." Lily somehow doubted it. "James tried to set me up with Remus, but Remus said he wasn't really ready for a serious relationship. I think he's scared to lose his virginity. Either that, or he's self conscious about all his scars—"

"_Mary," _Lily chided. "That's rude. Did you ever stop and think that perhaps he just doesn't find you attractive?"

Her friend made a face. "Don't be daft," she said, flinging back her black curls. "Of course he does. He's just shy. I think he'd be better suited for Muruvi anyway."

Lily was about to tell Mary to stop trying to set everyone up when she saw a black-haired, pale teenage boy walk toward the back of the bookstore. "Hold this, I have to pee," she said to Mary quickly, shoved her basket in her friend's hands, and ran off.

"Oy! Where should I meet you?" called Mary, but Lily didn't answer. She ducked past a cluster of chattering young children, went the long way around the _Cauldron Keep-Up_ section to make herself more hidden from Mary's viewpoint, and peered over _Dark and Defensive Spells_.

_"Psst, Sev," _she whispered. Severus was bent over, looking at a book on the opposite wall. Fortunately, it looked like he was alone, and the entire back was deserted. "Severus—Severus Snape!" He stood up and looked back and forth, everywhere but behind him. Grinning, Lily ran around the section. "Severus!" she greeted.

He turned around instantly. His expression of confusion quickly became a small smile. "Hey you," he replied, raising his eyebrows. "Good summer?"

"Is that all you have to say?" Lily declared. "I _missed_ you!" Unable to contain herself, Lily rushed at him and wrapped her arms around his neck. She pressed herself into him, and drank in the familiar smell of Severus—metallic ink, old books, and musk, with a faint hint of cigarette smoke. Lily ran her hands down his chest and over his back and she kissed him right on the lips.

Breathing in shallowly as though surprised, he kissed her back hard. She felt her knees wobbling and her entire body tingling up. It was perfect timing; she'd just been about to think he didn't fancy her as much as she'd thought he did. She'd thought their few times kissing was going to be it, and now she didn't have to worry. "I missed you, too," he said finally, a sort of happiness in his black eyes. He paused as though he was about to say something else, and then instead planted another kiss on her cheek. She beamed. Whereas it was easy to trivialize her feelings for him, when he was right in front of her, she could barely contain her excitement. "What have you been doing?" he asked, smirking a bit triumphantly.

Lily snickered. "Nothing much at all. I'm with Mary now- I told her I had to use the loo so I could come see you. I noticed you right away," she said, running her hand up his arm.

To her great delight, he shuddered slightly. "Mary's here?" he asked, looking around. "So, she doesn't know about us?"

Lily looked at him strangely. "Well, no, I just… I thought I was supposed to keep it a secret from her," she replied, wondering why he was asking. After all, he'd wanted to keep their kissing a secret, too. Right?

"Yeah, you're right, I just thought you told her everything." Severus' eyes shifted focus, and Lily wondered if she should ask what he'd meant. But that might make it obvious that she hadn't told Mary because she didn't want _anyone _to know. Lily figured she should keep her mouth shut, and feign ignorance. Luckily, Severus had changed topics. "So how _is _Blabbermouth MacDonald?"

"Very blabbery," Lily replied, grinning. It didn't even strike her that in the past, she would have corrected Severus' name-calling. Now, she even thought it was kind of funny. "You would have _died. _She was just talking about how horny Potter is, and that she could take him out of his misery and take his virginity but it would _complicate _things."

Severus cringed, and then looked interested. "So, Potter's a virgin? That's rich. From the way he talks himself up, you'd think he—"

"I know," Lily said, nodding, "I know… You'd be surprised what he and Black talk about, how big they think they are. But listen, I don't _want _to talk about Potter—how has your summer been? Are you here by yourself?"

"Yeah, there have been too many people around lately at Lucius'. It was making me kind of crazy so I lied and said I was going back home to get a change of clothes. If I had said I was going here, some fucking person would have wanted to trail along. Though I really get along with Tom—"

"Who is Tom?"

"Tom Riddle, Lucius' friend. He's really cool. He's told me all about his collections, he really appreciates the Dark Arts and he's going to host another party at his loft this coming December. Apparently he's got all sorts of memorabilia from Hogwarts—like, I'm not even doing it justice, like, Salazar Slytherin's old things—Helga Hufflepuff's jewelry, and things like that. Tom is really smart. He's got the best stories, and he's a very classy person, I mean, he has all the best stuff," Severus said, and Lily noted his excited tone. She'd never heard Severus so excited about another human being. After all, she'd always found it interesting that the only people he seemed to fully like were her and Lucius Malfoy, and even Malfoy he couldn't stand a lot of the time. Lily found herself intrigued by this Riddle person, and even a bit jealous that he'd captured Severus' attention so drastically.

"It sounds interesting," she said. "Maybe if it didn't offend Lucius too much, I could come meet Tom Riddle at that party. I want to see Helga Hufflepuff's old knickers," she said jokingly. After all, she hardly cared if the Malfoys saw her with Severus. It was her Gryffindor friends she wanted to keep it a secret from. But Severus suddenly looked serious.

"Not sure if he's got her knickers," he said solemnly. "And anyway, you and Lucius don't get along very much at all, and I know you don't like Bellatrix, so… Probably not the best idea."

Lily shrugged, but felt a spark of jealousy that Severus had been seeing Bellatrix. She hadn't thought about that, though it made sense she'd be around. She hadn't known much about Bellatrix during school, but she didn't like that Severus had fancied her. She was opposite Lily in every way: petite, dark, mean, and worst of all, _experienced. _ "I'm just interested in what Riddle has going on—"

"Oh, he's brilliant. I think you'd appreciate him, at least. He's very strong in his views, but they make a lot of sense. What he's asked me to do is even better than I previously thought," said Severus importantly. "He's looking for Death Eaters, that's what he calls his followers. He's basically going to start a revolution against the way things are in our world. In five years from now, he's hoping to fully transform Hogwarts, not to mention make things much more orderly in the Ministry of Magic. He's brilliant, he's just brilliant," Severus repeated.

"Death Eaters?" asked Lily curiously. "Sounds sort of freaky."

"Not at all, though you _would _like that," grinned Severus. "No, it's just a name he got from history—it's what wizards and witches called themselves who fought hard to overthrow Muggle warriors in the Dark Ages—"

"Are you going to spend your time after graduation overthrowing Muggle warriors?" asked Lily slyly, weaving her hands back around Severus' neck.

Severus swallowed hard. "Not exactly, though if you want to think that, you can," he informed her pedantically. "More like trying to fight for changes in laws and things like that—"

"I think I need to hear more about this Death Eater thing, but if it makes you happy, then I think it'll be great."

"Yeah?" Severus asked. "Well, thanks. Wish you weren't here with MacDonald. Because I've got all the time I want. I'm tired of talking to people I don't want to talk to. It infuriates me."

"Infuriates you?" Lily said, laughing lightly. "That's a bit strong, isn't it?"

"No, it's not," Severus replied instantly. "This morning, not only was this bloke MacNair singing in the shower, I saw Rosier only wearing a bath towel. Honestly, if she didn't have that obnoxious voice, I would swear she was a boy, she's got like nothing on top—"

Lily smacked his chest playfully. "Severus, that's rude—"

"It's true, though, isn't it? Not like you," he said, and then instantly turned a strange shade of cream. "Urgh—sorry—"

"Nonsense," Lily said, smiling. Her heart was beating fast. "You like what I've got on top, then?" she asked, and was surprised at her confidence.

Severus seemed a bit surprised as well. "Well… yes, of course," he said.

"If I got out of hanging out with Mary, what would we do?" asked Lily. She managed to press up on him just a bit more firmly, and suddenly became very aware of the fact that he was hard through his trousers. She tried to ignore it, though she wanted to see what it looked like. She wondered what exactly had done that to him. It excited her.

"I bet we could think of something," he said dryly. He was very hard to read sometimes.

"Well," she said, pondering quickly. "I couldcome down with a terrible sickness. Mary was leaving me in an hour anyway to meet up with Potter and see a movie. They wanted me to join but I said no way… I'm sure if I send her an owl later, she'll understand." This was shaping up to be perfect. Her mother thought she and Mary were together, and that she'd be coming home in the evening anyway.

"A terrible sickness sounds appropriate," Severus said. "I think I also have been known to come down with a terrible sickness anytime Potter is near. Uh oh: Lily, I just spotted a glimpse of MacDonald's very big hairdo—looks like she's walking toward the loo, no doubt looking for you—"

"Bollucks," Lily cursed. "Come on—we've got to sneak upstairs!" With that, she grabbed Severus' hand and they hurried up the staircase to the second floor. "Hopefully she's not too mad," she said, as they watched through the top window as Mary walked out of Flourish and Blots, still looking back and forth. "Or that she doesn't worry about me—"

From behind her, Severus said, "Do you really care that much?" He placed his hand lightly on her hip. Lily could feel his nails grazing her skin slightly. Her insides turned pleasurably.

She turned to look at him, "Well, I—". She trailed off. He was right. Surprisingly, she didn't care much at all.

* * *

><p>A man named Cornelius Fudge had begun to give a boring lecture on some new book he'd apparently written, so Lily and Severus decided it was high time to ditch the bookstore. Severus didn't care much about where they went—he just wanted time to perhaps snog Lily, as it was all he'd thought about lately. He'd been having a better time than usual with his Slytherin friends, but being with Lily was different—simpler. With Lily, he had a better time being himself, though in all honesty he was beginning to feel more at home with the others at Lucius' manor. They'd been spending their days debating endlessly over magical history, and discussing Muggle and wizard relations. Severus felt he'd never learned as much from Hogwarts as he had in those past few weeks. He felt like he never wanted to go back to Spinner's End— if Lucius asked him to move in, he'd do so right away.<p>

"So, where to now?" Lily asked, and Severus' eyes traveled down her body. She looked better every time he saw her, and today was no exception. Her hair was free and wavy, cascading over her shoulders and hanging just above her breasts. She was wearing a short dress that showed off her long, smooth legs.

Severus tried to pry his eyes off her, but she didn't seem to mind. She grabbed for his hand as they left. "I don't know," he admitted. "I haven't been here much for anything else besides schoolbooks since I was a kid—"

"What about Knockturn Alley?" asked Lily, indicating a rickety sign on the opposite side of the street.

"What about it?" he asked, caressing her fingers. He definitely hadn't been _there _for ages, not since his mum had stopped taking him.

Lily shrugged. "You've mentioned it. I just think it could be interesting—I've been to all of the Diagon Alley shop so many times, I'm sort of tired of them. Come on, let's go!"

Before Severus could protest, she was dragging him across the street and through the dim alleyway that led into the lower shopping centre. She led the way into Borgin and Burkes, a novelty shop that Severus had only been to a few times with his mother. He recalled really wanting a shrunken head when he was younger; it seemed so long ago, nearly five years before he'd even gone to Hogwarts. Lily seemed interested enough in the wares (she generally liked creepy things, Severus mused), but he wasn't really in the mood to browse. He was beginning to feel a bit furious that he couldn't just take the plunge and kiss her. He'd become brave, and then he'd just give up afterward. A few kisses just didn't seem to be enough, especially now that they were finally alone for the first time in ages. But still, he dutifully followed Lily around as she admired various objects. She "oohed" over a withered hand in a jar, and she "aahed" at a three-headed stuffed crocodile.

"That's beautiful," she said, fingering a silver and blood-red jeweled heart locket. "But do you suppose it's really cursed?" she asked, reading the sign next to it.

"Who cares?" Severus asked, beginning to feel a bit edgy.

Lily ignored his tone, wandering over to small pedestal that was displaying a statuette of a large hand, stretched open so that its palm faced upward. _"Touch my hand," _Lily read from the sign, _"and I will call out your blood status." _ She laughed. "Let's try it," she said.

"No," Severus replied quickly, scanning the room. "I don't want to."

"Come on," Lily urged, "I want to see if it works. If only one of us does it, I'll just figure it's a fluke—"

"NO!" Severus said more firmly. From the front of the store, the shopkeeper looked over at them inquisitively. Severus lowered his voice, trying to sound calm. "I just don't want you to, okay? And I don't want you to, either—"

"Are you blushing?" Lily asked, a little louder than he would have liked. "Come on, Sev, what's the harm in it?"

"It's my own private business," he whispered. "I'm done here. I'm leaving." With that, he walked briskly out of the store. _There's no way I want everyone knowing I'm just a halfblood. It's not for anyone to know but me. It doesn't even matter much, anyway! _

Lily followed after him. "Severus!" She grabbed him by the shoulder. "What's your problem? What happened back there?"

"It was stupid!" he replied. "I didn't want to touch that thing—"

"You're not still being weird about being part Muggle, are you? Because you—"

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" he shouted, his lip curled, the color draining from his face.

Lily closed her mouth and set her jaw. She nodded, and walked off further down the lane.

"Oy!" he said, trailing her. "Don't go, don't be like that—I didn't mean to yell—"

"I know you don't want to be associated with your father," she said, turning around. "But…It's okay to be yourself, even if you don't like your father, so you're a Halfblood—so what?—"

"I told you, he's not really even my dad anymore. I disowned him—"

"I know, I know," Lily nodded. "But it's…" She trailed off and then looked at him in the eye. "Severus, you're not embarrassed by me for being a Muggle-born, are you?"

His eyes widened. "No," he said instantly, though the really answer was _I'm not sure. _ He forced a laugh. "What gives you that idea?"

"Just… I know you've been hanging around Malfoy an awful lot. I wondered if maybe he put you off me," she said, smiling slightly.

Relieved she wasn't being serious, he smiled back. "Nobody could ah… Nobody could put me off you."

"Why, Severus," she said, "I believe that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard you say." And before he could protest, she fell back in step with him, picked up his arm and put it around her shoulder.

"Don't get too used to it," he said derisively, though he enjoyed feeling her next to him. From this angle he had a better view of her cleavage.

Lily grinned up at him, causing him to avert his gaze. "If you were any more corny, I don't know if we'd really work."

_What does that mean? _he thought as they walked. _We'd work? We'd work? I wonder if she thinks of me as a boyfriend? _ He was brought out of his thoughts as soon as he realized where Lily had steered him. They were standing in a deserted alley just beyond the old bookstore he'd frequented as a young boy. "So uh… what's here?" he asked stupidly, looking around. The alley was dim and dirty, and a slight chill hung in the air. Wanted posters for various suspicious-looking witches were posted up across from them.

Lily laughed, and then without saying anything, she pressed herself against him and snogged him, pushing them both back against the wall. Reminded of their first kiss at school, Severus was a bit taken aback. He liked that Lily was kissing him (_what idiot wouldn't_?) but it irked him momentarily that he hadn't gotten the gumption to make a move on her first. That thought faded as soon as she pushed her waist against his. He'd had an uncomfortable erection for the first part of the afternoon, and now he felt himself stiffening again as he felt her hips slightly rubbing against him. He about lost it when she applied pressure, pressing her hips against his hard cock firmly while still kissing him on the mouth.

He broke out of the kiss and clenched his teeth. "What are you _doing?" _he said quietly.

"Is it okay?" she asked, alert. She pulled away slightly. The look in her wide eyes made him feel even more aroused. Grabbing her hands, he nodded.

"It's more than okay," he said, "it's just… it's a bit embarrassing. Ah…" He looked down, indicating the front of his trousers, where Lily's lower waist was still pressed.

Lily shrugged. "Not to me," she said. "Anyway, I know what it is. You have an erection," she announced, blunt as ever.

"What—" Severus' ears turned pink, and he scanned the alley nervously. "How do you know that?"

"I'm not stupid," Lily said, smiling. _Is she trying to drive me crazy! _he thought, his heart palpitating in his chest. He settled against the wall, trying to figure out what to say. But it was Lily who continued to talk. "You look nervous," she said worriedly. "We can stop if you want."

"I'm not… _nervous," _Severus managed to say with an embarrassed shrug, "I'm just… it's not something I've really discussed with people. It's… Something I usually want to hide." He furrowed his brows. "Though it seems that without my robes, it is rather out there."

Lily giggled, and he raised his eyebrows. They dropped each others' hands. "I'm just laughing at your wording," she explained. "Anyway, I don't know why you're so nervous—"

"I said I _wasn't _nervous," he argued instantly.

"All right, so not nervous but… Uncomfortable?" Begrudgingly, he nodded. She certainly knew him well. "Well, I just wish you weren't. After all, I've seen your thing before—"

He cringed. "My thing?" He gave a slight laugh. "I forgot about that—well, I didn't necessarily forget, but it seems like a long time ago. And I didn't have a hard-on then—"

"A hard-on?" she repeated, nodding, as though she was learning something very important. "I guess back then I wouldn't have really known to notice a difference—"

"Yes. But it was much different. And don't call it my _thing_—"

"Your willy, then?"

"No!" Severus protested. He averted his eyes, smirking slightly. "It's my cock."

"Ohhh," said Lily, laughing but nodding. "Okay. Noted." There was a moment of slightly awkward silence, and they both laughed lightly as though unable to think of what to say. Finally, Severus decided it was high time to kiss her. He brought his hands to her waist and pressed his lips to hers, pulling on her bottom lip slightly with his teeth. Lily's body instantly pressed to his again and she held him around the shoulders.

She slipped her tongue between his teeth and they touched tongues while kissing; it felt so good that Severus was having a hard time remembering to breathe. He did a quick look around of the area. It was still deserted, so he tentatively trailed a finger down her front, over her right breast.

Lily shivered a bit and moaned slightly into his mouth. He adjusted his hard dick and continued kissing her, moving his mouth to her neck. He stroked her left breast with his pointer finger nail, and felt as her nipple hardened. He smirked against her neck and kissed her there, his heart pounding against hers. He started at the base of her neck near her chest, and then rapidly moved his mouth around, enjoying the way he could feel her squirming in his grasp.

"That feels good," she muttered quietly, "that feels _really _good—"

"Okay…Good," he said into her neck, and continued kissing it, grazing her with his teeth, eliciting another moan from her. He breathed hot on her neck, using his teeth more and more. Lily moaned again, a sharper sound, and held one of his hands, entangling her fingers between his. She bent her head inward and made light imprints of her lips on his neck. He sighed outwardly at how pleasant it felt, and ran his hands through her thick, soft hair. Working her hand along his back, she pressed deeper onto him and to both his delight and surprise, she brought her hand down to his groin and cupped the bulge of his cock through his black jeans.

"Jesus, Lily," he grunted softly, looking over the top of her head again and into the alleyway. No one was to be seen, which he figured was good. Not that he really would have wanted her to stop anyway.

She pulled her head from the crook of his neck and looked up at him, her eyes locked into his. "Does this feel all right?" she asked softly, and began to slowly stroke his cock. He ceased to be able to think straight and simply nodded rapidly, licking his lips, drinking in the scent of her peppermint shampoo. He gave a small moan, and leaned back on the wall, closing his eyes. He wanted to touch Lily, too, but this felt too good—he could only focus on this.

"A bit faster," he muttered and she complied. The friction was almost unbearable. He bit his lip and moaned again, gripping her shoulders and then running one hand through her hair.

"Oh no," Lily said suddenly. "That can't be the time!" She held out Severus' arm, where his father's old watch was ticking away. "It's five! Five o'clock! We've been out for hours—"

"What's the problem? You're watching the clock?" he asked, his eyes fluttering open. "Keep going—"

"Severus, I have to leave! Mary and I got to Diagon Alley at eleven in the morning! That means I've been out for nearly six hours, I can't let them know I wasn't with Mary! I have to get home and make sure I send her an owl!" Lily adjusted her purse.

He grabbed her hand. "Come on… Just a few more minutes?"

Lily shook her head and pulled away. "No. I can't. Write to me, okay?"

"I'll come with you," he said darkly, unable to hide his disappointment. He hadn't expected her to fully wank him off their in the alley, but now he wished she would have. They headed back toward Diagon Alley. "I have to get my schoolbooks yet. Mr. Malfoy's getting me the ones my mum didn't already have for me. You're taking Advanced Potions, right?"

"Of course—"

"Who else in Gryffindor is going to be in it? Not Potter or Black, I expect," Severus commented bitterly, trying to ignore his painful erection.

Lily shook her head. "Nope, not them. Remus, Xing, Muruvi, Alice and Frank, though. They're the ones I remember, anyway. Who'll be in it from Slytherin?"

"Rosier, Mulciber, Middleton and Moffit," said Severus. Lily made a face (he supposed it had to do with Mulciber), but he ignored it. "Don't know who else from the other dorms. I'm quite looking forward to it."

"I can't believe I didn't ask you!" Lily said loudly and playfully slapped her forehead. "You got your letter, right? I got mine this morning!"

Severus looked at her quizzically. "What letter? You mean, with our school supplies? I got that awhile ago—"

"No, our Prefect letter!" Lily said excitedly. "McGonagall sent me post about it, I'm to be one of Gryffindor's Prefects! It's going to be a lot of responsibility, but I'm really excited. She told me I was her best Gryffindor student by far! Who knows who the other Prefect is! I hope it's someone all right. She said—"

"Wait… You got an invitation to become a Prefect today?" he asked, perking up. "What time?"

"Just before I left for Diagon Alley," she replied.

"Oh, okay," he said, relieved. He'd been waiting to become a prefect for ages. "I probably just missed it. I'll look for it when I go back—"

"There's no way you didn't get," Lily said, "you're the best in Slytherin after all."

He nodded, puffing out his chest slightly. "You're right. It's probably at Lucius' right now." Severus looked around and then awkwardly bent over her and made to kiss her, but he missed and hit her chin. Just as he was hurrying back toward Flourish and Blots, Lily called after him. He turned around.

"Hey Sev," she began, looking up at him from across the paved walkway. "Does this mean we're…" She trailed off, and looked slightly embarrassed.

"We're what?" he asked, trying to tug his overcoat over his erection.

"Going steady?" she inquired, shuffling her feet.

Severus nodded eagerly, excited. "Yeah, all right," he said, trying to sound casual.

"Okay," she replied, "good. Well, tell me when you get your letter. See you!" He wanted to say more to her, but she was off already. _Going steady, _he thought, trying out the words in his mind. _I have a girlfriend! LILY EVANS IS MY GIRLFRIEND! _He still wasn't sure what it meant, but he liked the sound of it, anyway. Then a strange sort of thought struck him: Did this mean that, as boyfriend and girlfriend he and Lily would be, _ just maybe, _having sex sometime? Wasn't that the sort of thing boyfriends and girlfriends got up to? Not to mention, unlimited amounts of snogging and all kinds of other stuff that went along with sex? Spending more time together, in general? Suddenly, something that had seemed improbable was now a foreseeable reality. There was nothing that could break Severus' bad mood now. These thoughts, on top of his erection, were overwhelming. He immediately went into Flourish and Blots and jerked off in the restroom. The relief that followed was awe-inspiring.

* * *

><p>But, of course, it wasn't for forever. When Severus returned to Lucius' that night, there was no mail for him—not a single postcard, let alone a letter from Hogwarts. Abraxus and Diana were dining out and the house seemed deserted until Severus located Lucius, draped over one of the sitting room couches going over notes from his internship.<p>

"And where have you been?" asked Lucius lazily, sitting up and patting the couch cushion next to him. "Everyone's gone back home for good. I thought you'd at least be here today to talk to me—"

Severus waved him away. "I've been out," he said hurriedly. "Did you see any owls here today with post for me? I'm looking for a letter—"

"No," Lucius replied. "Only this morning. But it wasn't for you. Before Rosier took off, she got her Prefect letter from Professor Slughorn—"

"WHAT?" Severus burst out, unable to control his rage. "_Rosier _got a Prefect letter?"

Lucius blinked. "Severus, why are you carrying on so?"

"I haven't gotten my letter," Severus snapped, and began to pace. "I _know _I was supposed to get one! If Rosier got hers, I should have mine! Why hasn't mine come? WHY HASN'T—"

"How do you know you got picked?" interrupted Lucius, crossing one leg over the other and putting down his book.

Severus gritted his teeth and did not cease in pacing. "You're joking, right? How do I _know _I got picked?" he said mockingly. The volume of his voice reached a crescendo. "I'M THE BEST! I'M THE BEST STUDENT IN SLYTHERIN!"

"Well, don't blame me," pouted Lucius, rolling his eyes. "For Salazar's sake, take a deep breath and stop acting insane. Now, come over here and discuss this with me like a normal person-"

"I can't discuss!" Severus snarled, stomping his foot. "I want to know why my letter hasn't come—"

"Obviously, you weren't made a Prefect," said Lucius, and then shrugged at Severus' furious expression. "Come on. Be reasonable. Nothing else could have happened."

Severus kicked at the carpet. "I've been waiting for this moment forever!"

Lucius' expression softened considerably. "Look, when I was a Prefect, it was awfully difficult to keep track of my time and I am hardly as obsessive about school as you. I had a million things to do. I could hardly socialize! You are better off not being one. You make good marks, and now you'll have more time to study—"

"I want to be a Prefect! I'm supposed to be one!" Severus exclaimed.

"Not if you aren't one," responded Lucius, smirking.

"You aren't any help," Severus said, glaring. "Just because you probably got your letter right away and everything—"

"Oh, _calm down,_ Severus," Lucius said. "I'll indulge you. Perhaps there's been a mistake. So all you need to do is write a letter to Slughorn and ask him why you haven't gotten your letter. I can give you his address if you stop shouting."

* * *

><p><em>Professor Slughorn,<em>

_I am writing in regards to my Prefect letter. _

_Where is it? _

_Signed,_

_Severus Snape_

* * *

><p><em>Dear Severus Snape, <em>

_Greetings! I hope you are having a good rest of the summer, and that you are readying yourself for Advanced Potions. I regret to inform you that, although you are an excellent student and were most definitely in the running for Prefect, I have chosen two people who I think are better suited for the task. I hope this does not discourage you from putting your best foot forward and accomplishing all you wish for this school year. _

_Enjoy the remainder of break, Severus!_

_Sincerely, _

_Horace Slughorn, Head of Slytherin House_

* * *

><p>"What a load of bullshit," Severus said, crumpling the letter and throwing it in the fireplace. "All that I wished for the school year was to be a Prefect. I wonder who else got it, if not Mulciber or Avery—"<p>

"If you murdered them, maybe you'd be the next up for Prefect," said Lucius, yawning. Lucius' solutions always seemed to fall in the category of violence, which Severus did not mind. Sometimes it was not very helpful, though. "Of course, you'd have to hide that you did it, but I have faith that you could—"

Severus punched the couch. "I just CAN'T believe it. It's such a fucking joke. No one else in my year is as good as me. _Rosier? _ I tutored her! I brought her up to where she is—"

"Usually they pick a male and a female student, though, Severus. And let's face it—Rosier's about the only girl in your year with any brains. Slughorn was really scraping the bottom of the cauldron with that choice," Lucius replied crisply. "Who else is there? Name off the rest of the male students—"

"Well, Middleton's in my dorm—"

"Who is Middleton?" Lucius asked. "I don't remember him—"

"That's just it. He's a complete bore. He's not at all memorable. He's constantly complaining about our dueling club, as he thinks we're breaking some sort of unwritten rule. He's told on Rosier for hanging out in our dorm with me, but because we were only studying, nothing came of it. Like anything else would happen with her. _Yuck. _ He tried to convince Slughorn that Mulciber had illegal fireworks from Hogsmede, and he's just a complete arse." Severus slumped back against the couch. "And then in the other dorm, there's—" He stopped speaking as soon as he realized that Lucius was staring at him. "_What?" _he snapped.

"I think we've found who the other Prefect is," Lucius replied.

They stayed up until one in the morning planning out ways Severus could sabotage Middleton as a Prefect, which made him feel slightly better. He woke up curled up on the couch, sore and still upset. He couldn't admit he hadn't been chosen to Lily. He'd look like a complete loser. He would have to think of a good excuse.

* * *

><p>Lily was more ready to go back to Hogwarts then ever. More than anything, she was excited to see Severus. She hadn't spoken to him since their meeting in Diagon Alley, which she supposed could be considered their first actual date. <em>At last. <em> Lily had been wondering what it would be like to have Severus as a boyfriend for a long time, and now it had finally happened. It was obnoxious that she couldn't tell anyone, though she still felt a bit self-conscious about it. While Mary wrote extensive letters about the love poems Gilderoy Lockhart had written for her (which Lily had a suspicion were plagiarized), Lily couldn't even talk about how she had a proper boyfriend! _Not that Severus is exactly a proper boyfriend, _she thought as she headed through King's Cross toward the platform and instantly felt guilty. She was beyond thrilled that he was her boyfriend now, but she still had so many worries about what her friends would think.

Her family had been the same as usual for the remainder of the summer. Mary had been a good alibi for the day in Diagon Alley, once Lily had decided to lie and say she'd run into Belby in the back of the bookstore and that they'd spent the afternoon together. Lily figured she should begin to write all these lies down; it was getting tiring. Mother and Father were very proud of her being of a prefect, though Petunia had found a way to make it into a negative thing, as usual. "_And what on earth does it mean to be a prefect at a school like yours?"_ Petunia had asked so rudely that Lily couldn't help but take her otherwise innocent question as an insult. Lily had mostly ignored her sister, and had kept up her habit of reading books she'd gotten from the library.

She made certain to bring her copy of the Charles Bukowski short stories and poems that she'd enjoyed so much the summer before. She thought it might be sort of exciting to share it with Severus, as many of the stories were slightly sultry. She imagined them doing all kinds of things: going for walks, on dates in Hogsmede, snogging around the Hogwarts grounds…

But the thought that had been on her mind since the day in Diagon Alley was that she would very much like to get past snogging with Severus. She liked kissing him very much, and they'd kissed quite a bit—there was nothing _wrong _with the kissing. But Lily's mind had been wandering, and she wanted to know how _other _things would feel with Severus. She'd very much liked feeling his erection the other day—the way he'd leaned against the wall and moaned as though he was losing control of his own body. She hadn't been able to get it out of her mind. It didn't help that every time they'd snogged, they'd been outside. Lily would very much like to do it on a bed. She'd been imagining having Severus up to her room at school, and closing the curtains of her canopy bed around them as they snogged. She then would imagine him pulling up her shirt and touching her breasts the way he had in Knockturn Alley. Next, she thought about him moving his fingers to her privates, slipping a finger inside her pants. She often tried imagining them having sex, but she couldn't get as far with that fantasy. She still wasn't quite sure what it would be like, but she was very willing to find out. She figured that as a Prefect, she should be thinking about far more responsible things. A familiar, obnoxious yell broke her out of her pleasant daydreams.

"EVANS!" shouted Potter, waving and heading toward her. Not surprisingly, Remus, Sirius and Peter were at his side.

Lily looked up, somewhat shocked to find herself surrounded by her schoolmates on Nine and Three Quarters. She'd been extremely lost in her thoughts. "Hello," she greeted them, and on Remus' shirt, she noticed a gold glinting Prefect badge. "Brilliant, Remus! I've been made one, too."

He nodded and blushed slightly. "I figured as much. Honestly, I don't know how I was chosen—"

"He's being modest," Potter said, "just a moment ago, he was going on and on about how hard working he's been, how much studying he does and all other sorts of boring things a prefect should say. Badge looks good on you, Evans," he continued, unapologetically looking at her chest and grinning. Sirius shoved him.

"Well, thank you, Potter," Lily said, pursing her lips. "So glad I once again have met your approval."

Potter grinned. "Come off it," he said lightly. "Congratulations, nerd. You deserved it." He stuck out his hand. Lily found it amazing how she'd turned him down twice over the summer and he was still carrying on as if nothing had happened. It was impressive in an obnoxious way.

Lily walked past them. "See you on the train, Remus," she called behind her.

"_Ouch," _she heard Sirius say loudly. Trying to put Potter's comments out of her mind, she scanned the crowd for Severus. Her letter had told her to meet early in the second compartment with the other prefects, and then to begin assisting younger children on the train. Once in the compartment, Lily was confused to see Rosier and Middleton already there, both wearing their silver Slytherin prefect badges. She'd thought for certain Severus was going to be picked. He was always the top of Slytherin in their joint classes! Remus joined her, smiling shyly. Wynona Mayne and Delvin Michaels joined them, wearing their bronze badges, and Carmine Frank rushed in with her yellow-gold badge, explaining that her fellow Hufflepuff Sylvester Wroggins was ill and would be arriving at school later that week. Astrid Greengrass, brandishing her Head Girl badge, gave the prefects a brief explanation of their duties. But Lily's attention was drawn instead to the compartment window, where she searched the hoards of students for Severus. Once Astrid had concluded her lecture, the prefects began to drift out into the train hallway.

Lily grabbed Rosier lightly by the sleeve. "Have you seen Severus? I thought he'd be a Prefect, too—"

Rosier looked down at her sleeve as though Lily's hand was covered in hairy spiders. She pulled away and grimaced. "I spent an hour pressing my robes, Evans. You shouldn't just tug on my arm like that," she said icily. "I haven't heard from Severus in a week."

Ethan Middleton stared at Lily blankly. "Severus Snape? A prefect? Like that would ever happen. Snape has the worst moods of anyone I've ever met—"

"He's top in Slytherin," Lily snapped. "He's always got the best marks on his papers—"

"Please," declared Middleton, snorting. "_Top _in Slytherin? Snape isn't prefect material. He's too mean. None of the professors like him much-"

"He's not mean," argued Lily, "he's—"

"Why do _you _care?" asked Rosier, staring at her in great interest. Lily felt her face get hot. Rosier's eyes seemed to bore into her.

She shrugged, and averted her eyes. "I don't care—I was just wondering, is all." The other prefects pushed past them, eager to jump on their duties. Remus hung by Lily's side.

"I heard you calling him "Sev" once, too," Rosier went on, and Lily's insides did a spin. "On his birthday. You friends with him, or something? Because I've never heard him speak about being friends with you."

"It was… nothing," Lily sputtered out, and Remus stared at her questioningly. "You must have heard me wrong. We live near each other—we don't know each other well at all—"

Rosier smirked at her. "That much is clear. I wouldn't think Severus would spend any time with a shit blood like you."

Lily's mouth fell open, and Middleton gawked. Remus opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped. "Evan, you ought not talk like that," Middleton said quietly. "It's not appropriate—"

"What are you, a Mudblood Lover?" challenged Rosier dangerously. "_Not appropriate. _You little wimp. I wish Severus _was _a prefect. He'd never be such a prat. Let's go." She flounced out of the compartment, and then stared behind her. "I said _come on, _Ethan!"

Middleton looked at Lily apologetically, shrugged, and followed Rosier.

"Can you believe that?" Lily exclaimed angrily, looking to Remus. "I have no idea how she became a prefect! Do you think I should report her?"

"Who to?" he asked, shrugging. "I'd just ignore her if I were you. It's not worth it—"

"Not worth it?" Lily repeated. "I've never even heard the term shit blood before! How foul!"

"She's a foul girl," Remus replied. "If she says anything again, tell her you'll go to Dumbledore. But I wouldn't say anything now. We should really start helping out the first years—" he paused, and then looked at Lily seriously. "One thing, though. Do you actually call Severus _Sev?" _

Lily's face turned pink and she shook her head. This situation was already becoming disastrous. _And where IS Severus, anyway? I'll be sure to tell him I don't appreciate his rude friend Rosier. _ "Maybe when we were little kids growing up—I don't know—I haven't called him that in forever—"

"It just doesn't really suit him," said Remus quietly, and on that awkward note, they headed out to patrol the train. Lily did not recall being so small as a first year. All around her, little boys and girls were shouting, crying, asking endless questions, pulling her robes, requesting help for missing parcels and pets and shooting all kinds of spells out of their wands. To top it off, Rosier was nowhere to be seen. After dealing with a first year who was crying because he'd misplaced his cauldron, Lily happened to glance into one of the last compartments.

There was Rosier, sitting between Mulciber and Avery and looking quite relaxed. Severus and Regulus were sitting across from them, and they were all laughing. Feeling particularly irritated, Lily stood in the compartment window until Regulus turned to look, and then said something to the group. They all turned. The rest of them continued to laugh, but Severus stopped, looking serious. He made a motion to Lily with his head that Lily irately realized meant he wanted her to go away. She gave him her trademark slit-eyed glare.

"Miss! Miss! I don't have a quill!" sobbed a small girl, tugging on Lily's robes. "How will I write notes?"

Lily sighed and turned away from the compartment. She could deal with him later.

* * *

><p>"What's your problem?" whispered Lily into Severus' ear as the students descended into the Great Hall. To Lily's great annoyance, Rosier was now bossing around the other prefects and shouting at crying students as though she'd been involved the entire time.<p>

"Problem?" Severus turned to look at her. "Hello, by the way," he said in a rude tone Lily didn't like. "I don't have a problem. It was _you _who came to my compartment like some sort of weirdo—"

Lily looked around to make sure no one was looking and smacked him on the shoulder. "I wasn't being a weirdo! I was looking all over for you! You haven't talked to me since Diagon Alley—"

"You either," Severus said sharply.

"I was waiting for _you _to write me!" Lily replied. "I told you to write me as soon as you got your letter, and you're not even a prefect! When were you even going to say anything?"

Severus stopped walking, and other students hurried around them, talking loudly. "I was in the running to be a prefect," he said defensively, "but I didn't want to—"

"That's ridiculous," Lily replied. "I _know _you wanted to be one. You either got asked, or you didn't—"

"What do you know about it?" Severus snapped. "You don't know what happened!"

"Middleton said you had no chance," Lily said, not sure why she was fighting with him about this. Obviously, it was a sore subject. "That you're too mean to be one. And judging by who you were hanging around with on the train today, I'd say he's correct."

"What's wrong with them?" Severus challenged, gripping his book bag as though he was going to toss it down the hall. "They're my friends. And if you have a problem with them, then I'd advise you to take a good look at who you hang out with. Besides, I told you. I could have been a prefect. I just didn't want to—"

"You're lying," Lily said back, glaring. "You weren't asked to be one, and you weren't in the running for it. Why can't you just admit that?"

"I expect you think you're something special," Severus replied, "you and bloody _Remus Lupin_—"

"What does Lupin have to do with this?"

"I bet you're just _thrilled _that Lupin's your prefect buddy. Maybe now you want to start snogging him as well as me?" Severus asked bitterly.

Lily's eyes widened. "You're acting crazy. How many times do I have to tell you I don't fancy Lupin, you're jealous—"

"Jealous of a boring, scar-covered goody-goody?" Severus yowled. "You're not being fair!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!"

Severus and Lily turned around to see Potter and Black walking toward them. Potter was shaking his head. "Snivellus, _please," _he went on. "Don't make me hex you—it's the first day of school, mate, really…"

"Was I talking to you?" snarled Severus, looking positively feral.

"No, but you were talking to Evans in a very un-gentlemanly way. You should apologize, Snivellus," instructed Potter.

"Please go away," Lily said quickly. She hoped no one had heard the conversation, but judging from the looks on the two boys' faces, they hadn't heard anything out of the ordinary. "We're handling it on our own—"

"Evans. Heh heh. Leave the handling to me," Potter said, and strutted up to Severus, withdrawing his wand. "Leave her alone."

"Potter!" Lily yelled, pointing frantically at her prefect badge. "You can't do that!"

"You're not serious," Black said. "You'd tell?"

"Most definitely," Lily replied, crossing her arms. "I don't want you cursing him. I don't want you _talking _about cursing him! Now GET OUT!"

Black grabbed Potter and led him away, both of them throwing angry facial expressions back at her. She couldn't care less about what they thought. Lily turned back to Severus, who still looked furious. "We're going to miss the sorting," she said, trying to speak a bit softer. "I just wanted to know what was going on with you for the rest of the summer. That's all."

"You didn't have to do that, you know," Severus responded. "Just because you're a prefect now, it's not like I can't defend myself—"

Lily looked around them quickly. The hallway had become empty. "I'm not defending you because I'm a prefect. I'm defending you because I like you—"

"Still," he said. "It makes me look ridiculous, because I'm a…"

"You're a what?" she asked.

"Nothing," Severus responded quickly. "We'd better go."

"Wait," Lily said, tugging on his robes gently. "There's one more thing. Rosier called me a really awful name on the train. A shit blood—"

Severus made a face. "Why'd she call you that?" he asked.

"That's not really the point, but it was because I was asking about you. She said you'd never spend time with a shit blood like me, or something," Lily replied. "I don't like her, Severus—"

"Why were you asking about me?" he wanted to know. "I'm not saying she was right to call you that, but I'd rather you not mention me to Rosier—"

"So you're taking her side?" Lily asked, and her tone was once again angry. "Is that how you think about me, too?"

"Don't be an idiot," Severus said, lowering his voice and looking around. "You know how I feel about you. Or…uhm…Leastways, you should know."

Slightly relieved, Lily smiled at him and ran her hand up his arm. "I think I have some idea." From within the Great Hall, they heard the Sorting Hat beginning to sing loudly.

"Don't do this again," Severus whispered harshly, but he was smirking a little. "Not when we can't do anything—"

"What would you want to do, if we could do anything?" Lily asked him quietly, running her hand across his chest slowly.

"I can't say that," Severus replied, looking embarrassed. "You'd think I was a pervert."

"I already sort of think that about you," she said playfully, "so, don't worry about it—"

"Oy!" he said, grinning slightly. "I'm not a pervert, I just… I'd like to spend some alone time with you."

"Alone time? Hmm," she said, feigning ignorance and smiling back at him. "I don't know what that means."

Severus' black eyes darted back and forth. "You shouldn't do this to me," he replied solemnly. "You don't know how bad it would feel if I had to sit throughout the whole fucking feast with a huge hard-on."

"You're right," Lily said. "We'd better go." Before he could pull away, she kissed him on the deeply on the lips and ran her hand over the front of his trousers. "Bye, Severus!"

"Fuck! LILY!" he declared from behind her.

* * *

><p>"What <em>is <em>it with you and that Mudblood?" asked Rosier, making an ugly scrunched-up face that gave Severus the deep urge to punch her. It was a week into the new school year, and classes had been much more difficult than usual. The new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Devillose, was assigning piles of homework and even Slughorn's class was challenging Severus this time around. Lily had been busy with prefect duties, which still made him a little jealous. He wished he was going around with her, enforcing rules, instead of Lupin.

He kept his focus on the old copy of Advanced Potion Making that his mum had sent him. He'd been trying to copy in notes he'd taken over the past year as to remember all the shortcuts he'd come up with. "What Mudblood?" he asked, trying to sound very neutral.

To his annoyance, Rosier sat down next him. "That jumped up Evans bitch," she said. "She seems keen on you, oddly enough."

"What's odd about it?" he asked, flipping through the book and scooting over farther on the common room couch.

Not getting the hint, Rosier scooted closer, and snorted derisively. "No offense, Severus, but you're not very popular with the girls. And that Evans, she was looking for you on the train. _Where's Sevy-wev?, _she asked." She laughed at her own joke. "She said you used to be friends when you were kids. Why were you friends with her?"

Severus looked over the top of his book. "There was no one else around. Honestly, this is old news and I'm tired of going over it. We didn't live by any other magical kids. Satisfied?"

"Seems like she still likes you," Rosier went on. "What kind of friends were you, anyway? Did you play hide-the-wand with her, or something?"

Being raised mostly Muggle, Severus had no idea what in the world _hide-the-wand _was, but he could certainly guess. "Don't be disgusting," he said tersely, but he raised up his book to hide his embarrassed expression. "Why do you care so much?"

"I've just never in my time here heard a girl mention your name who wasn't talking about how disgusting you are," Rosier said innocently, shrugging.

"It's not like I hear any blokes talking about you," Severus said, lowering his book and glowering at her. "You and Avery certainly didn't last long. And since him, you haven't had anyone else. Why not, I wonder?"

"I'm too busy to date anyone," she said, shrugging again, but he was delighted to see she looked a bit uncomfortable. "Look at yourself, Snape. Always alone, reading your stupid books—"

"You're not exactly pretty though, are you?" Severus went on, not caring about her insults.

"Like I care what you think," Rosier replied. "Unpopular, ugly Snivellus telling _me _I'm not pretty. Like I care," she repeated.

"I don't care how I look," Severus told her, staring her down. "I'm smart and that's what matters to me. But you spend time on pressing your robes, and getting your hair cut and you still manage to look like a bloke."

Rosier jumped off the couch, and her face was bright red. "I can't help if I'm not curvy! I'm just built tiny!" she replied loudly. He hadn't even meant it that way, but he'd obviously struck a nerve. "I don't like girly stuff! I'd rather hang around boys. I'm just not a stupid type of girl!" she said, and broke out into tears.

"You're hideous," Severus told her pointedly, and watched as she ran from the common room, sobbing. Satisfied, he settled back on the couch with his book, glad he once again had more room to stretch out.

* * *

><p>"You didn't have to call her names," Lily said, raising her eyebrows at the story Severus had just told her.<p>

"I thought you wanted me to get her back. Besides, she was snooping around. I needed to throw her off," Severus responded. They were sitting side by side at one of the back tables in the library, facing outward so they could keep an eye on anyone who walked past. Underneath the table they were holding hands, and Lily had placed her leg close to Severus' and was rubbing against him slowly. There was a pause in the conversation, and Severus sighed quietly, leaning against Lily's shoulder. "Keep doing that," he said.

Lily continued to rub her leg against his, massaging his fingertips with her own. "You could have just told her to mind her own business," she said. "So, what did she say after that?"

"Nothing," he replied. "I made that cunt cry like a little baby."

Lily nudged him with her leg. "Severus! Don't call her that! And, you made her _cry?" _

"What else was I supposed to do?" he asked austerely. "She called you a shit blood."

"I can't believe you made her cry," Lily said, sounding slightly impressed, and she let out a short laugh.

Severus chuckled darkly. "Do your Gryffindor friends know what a sick sense of humor you have?" he wanted to know, running his fingertips over the bit of bare leg between Lily's skirt and sock.

She shivered, probably at the feeling of his nails on her skin. "No," she whispered, shaking her head. "They don't."

"I like it," he said in a low voice. "I like that you pretend you're nice when you're with them, and then when you're with me you don't give a flying fuck about anything." He felt her smooth leg, squeezing her slightly there with his nails.

"Severus," she said softly, "keep touching me—"

"I wasn't about to stop," he said back, his heart pounding. He was getting hard now just by touching her skin, feeling the expanse of her long leg. He had an urge to stick his hand up her skirt, but he worried that would be much too bold. Besides, he was only brave enough to be stroking her leg by some sort of miracle. All throughout their study session, he'd been fantasizing about touching her breasts, sliding his tongue around in her mouth, pushing her facedown onto his four poster bed…

They'd only officially been together a bit more than a month, but it felt like they'd been together for much too long and with no release. Every time they snogged, she'd have to hurry off to do prefect duties, or he'd have to go hang out with his friends for dueling club, or some other damn thing. She hadn't even wanked him off yet. Every night, he'd masturbate and think of fucking her. It was getting obnoxious. He wanted _her_, not the fantasy of her.

He continued feeling her leg, and she held his other hand strongly, gripping him hard. She leant into him and kissed him on the jaw line, then moved her lips down to his neck and kissed him there. Turned on, he squirmed in his chair, grabbing her leg harder and pulling his palm down it.

"Ouch!" she said in a high voice.

Quickly, he took his hand off her, and withdrew his other hand from hers. "Er—sorry?" he said, slightly irritated.

"Your nails," she said by way of explanation. "They're pretty sharp—"

"All right," he said, slightly humiliated, adjusting his hard dick in his trousers. "I didn't mean to hurt you—"

"It's fine," she said, looking at him curiously. "Well…"

"I'd better go," he said. His good mood had been broken. He knew it was stupid, but it was embarrassing having her cry out like that in the library, and besides, he didn't want to hurt her—he'd meant to make her feel good. Without another word, he got up and left, holding his copy of Advanced Potion Making in front of his groin as a barrier.

"Where are you going so fast, Snivellus?" called out Potter. Black and Pettigrew were with him. Lupin was probably off saving the world.

_Why are they everywhere I am, all the time? _Severus thought angrily, and tried to look casual despite his erection. "I'm doing to the dorms," he said. "I mean, _going _to the dorms."

"Doing to the dorms," mocked Potter. "Sounds fun. What's that book you've so curiously placed over your nether regions?"

"Advanced Potions," Black announced.

"Advanced Potion _Making," _Severus corrected instantly. "Now I've got to leave—"

"Why are you doing that?" pressed Potter. "Are you reading to your willy?"

Severus did not remove the book, but tried desperately to move past the boys. Nimbly, Black snatched the book from his hands. "GIVE IT BACK," Severus shouted, not sure how he should handle the situation. He could cover his dick with his hands, and risk everyone really noticing. He could run away, and no one would notice. But he _needed _his book.

"What's so special about this, other than all these bloody notes?" Black asked loudly, opening Severus' book and looking through it. He flipped from the front. "Eileen Prince? Who is Eileen Prince?"

"You couldn't afford a new one?" Potter asked, laughing.

"Give it back," Severus said desperately.

"Does it have some sort of powers?" Black asked, and mockingly put it in front of his own groin. "Does it engorge your dick, Snivellus? Why are you putting it there?"

Potter burst out laughing.

"What?" Black asked, grinning in anticipation. "What is it, Prongs?"

Surprisingly, Potter snatched the book back and handed it to Severus. "There you go, Snivellus," he said. Then, to Severus' horror, he added, "He needs that to shield his boner."

Pettigrew, Black and Potter cracked up laughing. "You're right, Prongs!" Black said loudly, pointing. A group of Hufflepuff girls slowed down to listen. "I'm worried that you noticed, however—"

"Why? It's so obvious it's practically its' own person!"

His ears red, Severus took off running down the hallway. He could hear them all laughing and shouting behind him. The next day, he had a new nickname: Severection Chafe.

It only lasted until Transfigurations, during which McGonagall banned it from ever being used at Hogwarts again.

* * *

><p>AN: What did you think?


	18. Fat S lt

A/N: One of the big reasons for writing this fic is for me to try and understand how Severus became the cruel man he is in the books. One of the standout moments in canon for me was when he wanted to poison Neville's toad Trevor to make sure the potion was completed correctly. Snape fan or not, he is a sadistic bastard with many issues. You'll see that sparking up more and more, both to Lily's disappointment and his other friends' admiration. Also: In my old fic _1969 Tonic Affair _there's a slightly similar dorm room scene, but I don't like how that one went—the way I wrote Lily back then was sexist and annoying. I'm not just trying to recycle old fanfic parts, btw—just revisiting and re-working some ideas from that one that I don't think went very well.

Also, you all rock- thanks for the reviews, favorites and alerts. More please. This was going to be longer but then it started getting WAY too long and I realized putting everything in it was not doable. The upside to this is that the next chapter is already partly written, so that should be out much sooner than usual.

* * *

><p>Chapter Eighteen: Fat Slut<p>

_Year Five: October to December_

"_He's chasing tornados, _

_I'm just waiting calmly."_

-Tori Amos, "Talula", Boys for Pele

* * *

><p>"You're coming to the game this weekend, right?" asked Potter, who to Lily's chagrin had joined her in study hall and had begun to flex his arm muscles in front of her face. Lately he'd been so set on teasing her that he was becoming difficult to avoid. In the common room, he'd chat to her endlessly about his nightly plans. He tried to get her attention by doing spells and making loud noises. So much, in fact, that she'd had to give him several detentions already. In class, she shot him down as much as possible so that Severus would not be angry with her, although they still fought about Potter anyway. Severus seemed to think Lily would suddenly give into James the moment she left his sight, and annoyingly she'd spent more time convincing Severus she fancied him than actually doing anything physical with him. True, they had both been busy but Lily found herself wondering if dating was all it was cracked up to be. It was aggravating to have to pretend she wasn't with Severus, and though she was still worried what her friends would think, it would be nice to be able to talk about him to them. The only person she could talk about Severus with was <em>Severus. <em>

Lily lowered her face close to her Potions essay. "I'll probably be busy—"

"Busy doing what?" Potter wanted to know, grinning and bending over so he was leaning right next to her. Lily scooted over, ignoring him. "Blimey. At the rate you're going with that, you'll be done with one hundred pages in the next five minutes. You should teach me to write faster."

"I should, hm?" mused Lily aloud and continued to write. "You know I'm not really speaking to you right now. Not since that awful name you made up about Severus." She'd been mortified by it, since she'd known that Severus had been intercepted in the hallway after getting close with her in the library. Lily had spent all of last week praying that no one would put two and two together and realize she'd been the one to give him the erection. She'd tried to offer her empathy, but he pretended he didn't know what she was talking about. She knew it wasn't Severus' fault, but he always did manage to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Pfft. Not my fault he can't control himself. Besides, I didn't make it up. Sirius did," pouted Potter. "He's always inventing nicknames—"

"I thought you were," said Lily, glaring at him for a short moment before going back to her essay.

"Depends who asks," he said, grinning mischievously. "Anyway. You're speaking to me now, so why not agree to go to the game?" He did a sort of stretch, letting his bicep dangle in front of her. "Mary will be there—"

Lily snapped her binder shut. "Potter, if you don't get that arm out of my face I will blow it up."

"Prefects can't blow people up," Potter reminded her, imitating Professor McGonagall's nasally Scottish brogue. "Now when I entrusted you with those duties, Miss Evans, I thought I could count on you! Don't you dare touch Potter! He's my favorite student—"

"Like hell you're her favorite," Lily said.

Potter pretended to be alarmed. "Now Evans," he said, waggling a finger at her, "who taught you naughty words like that? Such a proper girl shouldn't use profanity."

Lily gathered up her belongings. "I'm not who you think I am, James Potter," she said crisply, and flounced out of the room. She heard him making a loud catcall as she left.

* * *

><p>"He's terrible. For the hundredth time, will you tell him to stop?" Lily urged Mary that night in the dorm room.<p>

"I told you, he's relentless," Mary shrugged.

Scarlet poked her head out of the canopy. "Do you think he'd go for me if I tried? I think he's quite sexy, actually—"

"No offense, but no. He's beyond helping right now," Mary told her flatly. "He wants Lily and that's that. I'm sure I could set you up with someone else, though—just give me time."

"What about Sirius?" Scarlet pressed. "He's also very good-looking—"

Mary shook her head violently. "No, Sirius is presently unavailable—"

"I thought he didn't date anyone seriously," Scarlet went on. "That's what I heard."

"NO!" Mary said loudly. "He's not interested!"

"Mary's saving him for later," said Lily seriously.

* * *

><p>"So what's it like working side by side with Middleton?" asked Mulciber with a sneer as he shot an engorgement charm at Rosier's nose.<p>

She blocked it by ducking and then singed his eyebrows off. "Don't make me think about him if I don't have to," she moaned, making a face. "Damn you, Mulciber. I was just starting to have fun. You have no idea how much he whines—"

"No idea?" chimed in Avery. "You forget we've been living in the same dorm with him for years—"

"Yes, well, mostly I just tell him I'm going to patrol the halls and then I hide in the trophy room," Rosier said. Severus glared at her. If _he _was a prefect, he'd never hide from his duties! He'd take them seriously. She seemed to feel his stare and she looked at the ground uncomfortably while Mulciber and Regulus practiced a spell that made blood come out of their ears. Rosier hadn't said one foul word against Severus since he'd made her cry, seemingly because she didn't want him to insult her again. He'd also noticed she'd been wearing a fair bit of makeup lately, which he supposed was a desperate attempt on her part to look better. Instead, she'd only succeeded in making herself look older, like someone's mother. _Or father, _thought Severus unkindly.

Severus was working in his Advanced Potion Making book, elaborating on some curses he was inventing. He wanted to find some hexes to really get Potter and Black back for humiliating him yet again, but he was still having a hard time working out the kinks. He'd thought up one (_Levi corpus _) that would make the recipient dangle upside down, which he figured would be both useful for duels, and teach a lesson to idiots like Potter. He'd practiced it on Mulciber and all he could manage doing was knocking the boy off his feet, where he'd jerk up choppily as though being shaken by a large animal. He'd perfected _Sectumsepra _and he'd made up a few other small curses, in addition to learning more by checking out books from the library. Professor Devillose was extremely lazy and gave Severus a note for the Restricted Section whenever he pleased without asking any questions.

"Severus!" urged Regulus, "Come on! I want you to practice with me—"

"Only if you promise to actually try," responded Severus meanly, but as always, Regulus seemed to think he was funny rather than impolite. It seemed his sense of what was rude or not was tainted by having Sirius Black for an older brother. Severus supposed that the fact he'd never pulled a cruel prank on Regulus made it look like they were the best of mates.

Regulus pulled out his wand and shouted, _"Immobilize!" _but Severus blocked the curse and called out a spell that made Regulus begin to choke. Through coughing, Regulus covered Severus' arm in black scales, and Severus made an invisible hand slap Regulus in the face. Regulus ducked down behind a desk and shot a spell out that burned Severus' toes through his boots. The boys went on like this for several moments, the others cheering them on. Although he was an annoying pretty boy, Regulus had taken to dueling better than any of the others and was actually beginning to prove to be a worthy opponent. Severus wouldn't admit it, but he enjoyed spending time with Regulus despite his obnoxious habits.

"_Sectum—"_

Severus ducked down and shot a blast of white light at Regulus that knocked him off his feet. "Are you seriously trying to use my own spell against me?" Severus asked loudly, rolling his black eyes to the ceiling. "All right. Who's next?"

* * *

><p>"Why is there a bruise on your cheek?" asked Lily in a whisper before the start of Potions.<p>

Severus smirked. "Dueling," he said. "I ducked Mulciber's hex, but he still got me a bit."

Lily shook her head. "I don't like that he hurt you—"

"You don't understand," Severus said quickly. "I hurt him much, much worse!"

She gave him an indignant look and then opened up her textbook.

"I _did," _Severus whispered, thinking she didn't buy his story. "Besides, what he did to me didn't really even affect me. I didn't even notice it until Rosier pointed it out."

Lily clucked her tongue and turned back to her textbook, shaking her head again, as though he were a small child.

"Well, fine," said Severus, once again misinterpreting her reaction. "_Don't _believe me."

* * *

><p>"What's with you and Sniv-er-Snape?" asked Mary, catching herself as Lily gave her a deathly expression. "Sorry. It's just—the nickname suits him so well—"<p>

"I'm tired of nicknames!" Lily declared, though she cleared her throat nervously. "Besides, what do you mean what's with us? Same as usual. We study together."

Mary stared at her, half-heartedly playing with her curls. "Just asking. I don't notice you too talking too much, besides whispering to each other between classes. It looks kind of curious. Did you have a row?"

"No," said Lily instantly, pushing around her mushy peas on her plate and combining them with her helping of mashers. "Nothing of the sort. We're getting along fine. I mean. Not better than usual. Just fine."

"_Ookay," _said Mary slowly, cocking a perfectly tweezed black brow. "Just wondering. You just never talk about him anymore. Honestly, it's been nice not to have to fight you about him. I wondered if maybe you two weren't friends."

Lily forced a laugh. "We're friends… just… Not as much as we used to be. We're both rather busy." She pushed her plate of food away from her, trying to act relaxed.

"He writes in that stupid Advanced Potion Making book so much, it's annoying," Mary said scornfully. "He sits by me in Divinations and I want to kick him. He writes like this—" Mary bent over, imitating Severus' bad posture, "and it's like he's going to die, he writes so bloody fast! And then when he's written a sentence out, he strokes his chin-" Mary once again did an impression of Severus, furrowing her brow formidably and scowling—" and when he's done he slams it shut. Then he'll think of something else to add and he'll sigh and open it. Then he'll slam it shut. Over, and over, and over, and over again!"

Lily faked a laugh. "Interesting," she said absently, trying with all of her might not to look over at the Slytherin table, where Severus was surely reading from the very book Mary had just been referencing. "So, how are you doing with your boy drama? I haven't caught up with you in ages!"

"Oh, Lily," said Mary dramatically, grabbing Lily's arm. "It's outrageous how much you've missed! Gilderoy wrote me a poem that had another _name _in it! Isn't that awful? And when I called him out on it, he told me this lie about how he thought I'd make a better Georgette anyway. Can you believe it? Astrid can have him—that's what I thought at first, but then I found out through Muruvi who found out through Rosier that Astrid broke up with him last week. Apparently he's been cheating on her with lots of girls. I wasn't the only one. How foul is that? And all in the same summer! He's a lying arse, but he's terribly good looking. I told him to get lost. So, lately I've been hanging around the Quidditch pitch, trying to get closer to Patil. He's _ever _so beautiful. Have you seen how he flies? Oh, he's graceful! So graceful! Anyway, James says he fancies me, but you never know with James—he tends to put a positive spin on everything. And of course you know that Sirius is seeing Cleo Sparks. Ugh, I can't believe he's dating a Slytherin. But she's really just beautiful!"

Lily _hadn't _known that Sirius was seeing Cleo Sparks, but she hadn't noticed much of anything lately. Now that Mary mentioned it, she had definitelyseen Sirius snogging a very tall, elegant looking black girl last week as she'd made her rounds throughout the corridors but she'd been thinking about Severus so much it really hadn't registered. "So you aren't jealous?" Lily wanted to know, carefully testing out whether Mary was presently admitting to fancying Sirius or not.

"Of course I'm not," Mary replied quickly. "He's my friend. That's all. And besides, they look good together."

Lily had to hand it to Mary—she was an accomplished actress.

Mary smiled a bit too widely. "How about James?" she asked, as though inquiring about Lily's opinion on the weather.

"Don't," said Lily warningly. "Do me a favor, Mary, and tell him to quit laying it on so thick. Honestly, it's making things really difficult with S—" she stopped herself just in time, going crimson.

"With what?" asked Mary in an inquisitive fashion. "Making things difficult how?"

"Making… making things difficult with my schoolwork," Lily put in quickly. "He's always interrupting me, asking me for help, grabbing my quill, trying to mess me up. He's just a big bother."

Mary sighed theatrically and put her hand on her head. "He _is _being stupid. But you two would look _gorgeous _together. Even despite the height difference, which I know he's secretly self conscious about but I tell him not to be. Your red hair would look amazing contrasted with his black hair, and you both have nice noses, and you both have good fashion sense even if-"

"Mary!" Lily said loudly. "Shut up!"

"Oh my goodness," Mary said, not hearing Lily's request and directing her attention to the Slytherin table in front of them. "Now that is just outright awkward. Doesn't he have a proper bag?"

At once fearful of what Mary was looking at, Lily looked in the direction her friend was indicating. Sure enough, she was referring to Severus, who was leaving the table, carrying at least seven books in his arms. As usual, he was hunched over and looked ornery.

"James says he's seen him smoking fags," Mary babbled on. "I _thought _he smelled worse than usual and there you have it. I suppose he thinks it makes him cool."

Lily played with her blouse buttons uncomfortably, but her tone was bold. "Why would you say that? I've smoked before. Haven't you?"

"Well," Mary looked surprised and took a moment to answer. "Not really, but I'm not against it, I guess—"

"So exactly why does it matter if Severus smells like it or not?"

"Well, it's sort of a combination of body odor and smoke," Mary said evenly. "Not the best sort of scent—"

"Honestly, Mary," Lily said, her voice growing louder. "You and James should really re-consider dating again. You're practically the same person sometimes!" She wasn't sure why she was letting her friend's comments get to her, but it was sort of embarrassing. Lily didn't think Severus smelled _that _bad, but he definitely had an odor about him that was not soap or cologne.

Mary made a face. "Lily! Come on! Have a sense of humor. You have to admit that Snape is strange, if nothing else—"

"Can we just stop talking about him?" Lily burst out. "Honestly, everyone is always talking about him! You, Potter, Sirius, Remus—everyone!"

"He's amusing, though!" Mary said. "Have you seen the bruise on his face? James reckons he tried to put the moves on some poor girl and she defended herself. How funny is that?"

"You know, Mary, I love you. But the Snape stuff is getting so old. I'm tired of hearing about him," Lily replied curtly and stormed off. She was in such a bad mood that she yelled at three first years for skipping down the halls, and couldn't concentrate on her schoolwork at all.

* * *

><p>"Where'd you get them?" Severus inquired, peering into Avery's backpack. Inside were two small owlets, dead and contained in a large jar.<p>

"I found them in the owlery. They got kicked out of their nest by their brother. Then, I nicked the container from Slughorn," replied the red-haired boy, raising the jar up so that Severus could better look at the birds. The stiff chicks' beaks looked a bit twisted, and their bodies were mangled from the fall.

"Cool," said Severus enthusiastically. "I want to see them up close."

"You are," said Avery, chuckling as though he was a bit uncomfortable. He looked to Mulciber and Regulus, who were watching in interest.

"Why do you have those?" asked Regulus.

"We're going to practice a few things," said Mulciber off-handedly, looking at Avery and Snape. Rosier said nothing, her arms crossed tightly around her chest.

Snape leaned over Avery, grabbing for the container but Avery moved back. "What's your problem? Let me have the jar," Severus scoffed, and snatched it out of Avery's bag. "How are we supposed to do anything with them if you didn't give them to me?" commented Severus, staring through the jar's glass.

"I was going to give them up in a second, grabby," said Avery weakly.

"What exactly are we practicing?" asked Regulus, falling to Severus' side and tapping the glass of the jar, as though expecting the birds to move. Not surprisingly, they sat there, frozen and dead as ever.

"Snape said if one of us ever found something dead, we could use it," Mulciber replied.

"Use it for what?" asked Regulus.

"Shh," Rosier replied, finally coming forth to look at the owlets. "You ask too many questions—"

Severus looked at Regulus piercingly. "Think about it," he said. "We aren't able to practice a lot of really good spells because we can't seriously hurt each other without the chance of getting caught. It's obvious that animals are a good choice for practice. I read that cadavers are an appropriate way to start. For one, we can just say we found them around, and that they're going to good use."

"But you've practiced on live animals before, haven't you?" asked Rosier, surveying Severus with a sort of curiosity in her dark brown eyes. "You told us that when you made that bird explode—"

"Well, yes," Severus said. "I started out with spiders, and I've taken apart dead animals before. I've killed rabbits—that was easy," he added importantly. "I figured we could start simple. I wouldn't want to see you cry, Rosier." He sneered.

"Don't worry about me," she said calmly. "Worry about Avery—"

"Shut it," Avery said, flushing. Severus watched him and realized that he looked highly distressed.

"What the hell is the matter?" Severus asked, curling his lip.

"N-nothing," said Avery quickly. Regulus chuckled, and Mulciber slapped him on the back. "It's just—you know—I felt sort of bad for them. Look at them! They're crushed, practically. They can't be more than a few days old."

Severus stared at him hard. "You have got to be joking me. You _felt sort of bad for them_," he mocked smoothly. "They're dead, Avery. Dead. Not to mention, they're dead because they were too weak to survive." With that, he popped open the jar, and took one out with his bare hand. "Imagine if we practiced on one that was alive. I'd be afraid you'd break into tears. Take it," he urged.

Avery had set his jaw, and slowly moved his head from side to side. "I'll watch. Have Mulciber do it," he said, clearing his throat. "And I wouldn't break into tears—"

"Are you seriously afraid of touching this?" Severus taunted, enjoying himself. The baby owl felt feathery and stale in his palm. Its' beady eyes were open in a dull expression, and its gnarled feet were curled up. "What's the issue?"

"I have an owl as a pet!" Avery said. "I just felt like I shouldn't have taken them, but you said—"

"I'm fairly certain we all have owls," Snape replied coldly. "Take it."

"Take it," snorted Rosier, shoving Avery's shoulder. "Just because your favorite course is stupid Care of Magical Creatures—"

Severus snorted. "Only ignoramuses like that best—she's kidding, right?"

"Not—my—favorite!" Avery burst out, and grabbed the baby owl from Severus' outstretched hand. Avery's haste and Severus' grip combined was too much for the unfortunate remains. The little dead owl wrenched in half like a Christmas cracker. Avery stood open-mouthed while clutching the head and beak.

Still holding onto the body and legs, Severus took one look at Avery's horrified face and burst into panting laughter. Rosier cackled, Regulus hooted loudly and Mulciber grabbed out the other baby owl and pretended he was going to chase Avery around with it.

"I can't believe you're actually _upset," _drawled Mulciber at Avery, and Severus realized it was the first time that the two had publicly disagreed—not to mention, in Severus' favor. Avery very quickly snapped out of his babyish mood but it was clear that Severus had won the respect of the group.

* * *

><p>"She never snogged me like that," Potter was saying to Sirius as Mary kissed Patil on the common room couch. Lily had been trying to study in the chair behind them, but they'd been narrating Mary's snog session for the past ten minutes. "I mean, just look—her tongue's shoved so far down his throat that it's almost out his ear!"<p>

According to Mary, Patil was her sort-of boyfriend. She liked him enough and she felt like he fancied her, but what they were most interested in was the physical part of a relationship.

"Jealous, Prongsie?" Sirius asked playfully.

"Nope, I'm just impressed," Potter replied. "They haven't come up for air in ages!"

"Is that why you don't snog that way?" asked Sirius. "Are you a big fan of air?"

Potter nodded rapidly. "Huge fan. I'm very breathing-conscious. I don't like to get into any situation where I know I might not breathe. I completely avoid it—"

"So you're saying you never made out with her? I thought you bragged about snogging her all the time—"

"Oh, I wasn't lying," Potter said seriously, "but this here is not simply snogging. See, when I snog, I breathe. But this? This is like eating a very messy sandwich while underwater."

Patil paused in kissing Mary, his thick arm around her back. He turned toward the other boys. "D'ya think perhaps you might be able to shut up?"

"Yes, of course, mate. Not a worry. And I hope you aren't under the impression that I want to be in your position," Potter said quickly, as others in the common room giggled. "It's merely that I am happy for you—"

"Yes, but, could you stop commentating?" grinned Patil. "It's not a Quidditch game—"

"I imagine it's a fair bit soggier than a Quidditch game, even a Quidditch game on a rainy spring day," said Potter. The others laughed.

Mary leaned over Patil's chest. "James. _Shut it,_" she said warningly, but she was smiling. Potter made kissing noises, and then he and Sirius ran out of the common room, hooting and laughing. Lily flipped her book shut, incensed. It seemed that no one else ever got as irritated with them as she did! She supposed their witty banter was often slightly humorous but they just didn't know when to shut up.

Lily paused, slightly horrified at herself for considering them humorous, even for a fleeting second. They were far from amusing. They were immature, insensitive bastards. Slightly unnerved, she directed her attention back to her book.

* * *

><p>"Snivellus! How's the book?" called out Potter, passing Severus in the courtyard. The surrounding Gryffindors laughed, pausing to watch the interaction. "Not reading to your trousers today, I see!"<p>

"Leave me alone," Severus snapped shortly and moved his book from his face, instantly standing to attention, his eyes calculating the scene around him. Black, Pettigrew, Lupin and Patil were with Potter. If he cursed Potter, he'd probably be doomed. Five to one did not sound promising. But then again, Lupin wouldn't do anything—he never did. Prefect or not, he hardly ever reported his friends for acting out. So he was neutral. Pettigrew was nothing more than a wet blanket—he didn't count either, except for the fact that he'd jeer Severus royally which was obnoxious. Black would act on Potter's defense, and Patil was popular enough that Severus figured he didn't care what he did. The odds were looking better: three to one was better than five to one. With his other hand, Severus withdrew his wand.

Lupin stepped back, no doubt wishing he couldn't see what was happening around him because it meant he had to act official. "Er—Snape, if you could put that back, it would be nice—"

"Shut up, Lupin," Severus snarled and advanced on Potter, waving his wand threateningly. "I'll curse the lot of you!"

"What's he going to do, I wonder? Get snot on us?" Potter asked lightly, and the boys burst anew into laughter, save for Lupin, who bit his lip.

"I MEAN IT!" shouted Severus desperately.

Patil laughed generously, showing straight, white teeth. "Snivellus, you're too funny—look, I _know _Black beat you up before—"

"I could kill all of you right now!" Severus affirmed, but his voice was shaking. Still, he was internally going through every spell he knew. He could get them—he could do it! If only—

_"Levi corpus!" _said a firm voice from behind them, and at once, Potter was dangling upside down, his glasses falling to the ground. Severus whipped around to see Regulus holding up his wand, an expression of intense loathing on his face.

"REG!" shouted Black. "You crazy fuck! What are you doing? Where'd you learn that?"

"Let him down! Please," Lupin said weakly, looking worried. "I'll have to write you up, Black—"

"Like you would," said Regulus slickly. "You're a spineless idiot, Lupin." He shot a spell at Potter, and immediately headed to Severus' side, looking dangerous. Severus stared at him in awe.

Potter fell to the ground in a heap, and sat up, looking amazed. "What _was _that?" he asked loudly, sounding more chipper than Severus would have liked. "Tell me, Regulus! That was brilliant!"

"It's nothing I've seen," Patil said. "Couple of freaks! No offense, Sirius—"

"None taken. I can't help being related to that monster," said Black icily.

"The only monsters I see around here will be sleeping in Gryffindor tower tonight. Let's get out of here," Regulus said after shooting his brother a dark look, and Severus followed him toward the castle.

"You used my spell," hissed Severus as soon as they were out of earshot.

"I know! I should have asked, but it was the first thing I thought of!" Regulus said fearfully.

"Not to mention, you were perfect at the execution," Severus went on, and Regulus' facial expression turned into one of triumph. "How'd you figure it out?"

"I've been practicing a lot!" Regulus said back in an excited whisper. "I wanted to show you, and then I saw those pricks surrounding you, and I thought—you know—what a good opportunity. Of course, Potter's too much of a prat to care much, but think of all the people we'll be able to curse with that spell! You're brilliant, Severus! You're really brilliant!"

Severus grinned crookedly despite himself. The boys slowed down and paused to talk outside of the greenhouses. "I just can't believe you got it down, and on Potter, too! Did you see your brother's face?" He lowered his voice again. "Now—no one can know it's mine. No way do I want to get in trouble for it, and besides, then someone might find out about my other ones. If a professor found out about the _Sectumsempra_—say, McGonagall for instance, I'd be in so much trouble—"

"Oh, of course," nodded Regulus seriously. "If anyone asks me, I'll just say I read it in some book. Or that whoever made it wants to remain anonymous, and goes to some other school. Maybe I met him on summer holiday, or something." They decided that was a good enough story.

During dueling club, the boys eagerly went into detail about what had occurred with the Gryffindors.

"I would have paid a lot of money to see Potter dangling upside down," said Rosier, leaning back in her chair with her dragon hide boots resting on the desk in front of her. "How far up in the air was he?"

"Far," said Severus excitedly. "When I made the spell, I really didn't even think about how to use it, but Regulus just ran in there and went right to it—"

"Well, I saw them around you, and I wasn't about to let them act like usual," said Regulus firmly, smoothing his glossy hair into a ponytail.

"I can't wait to test it out," said Mulciber.

"Think of all the people we'll be able to curse!" Regulus said again excitedly. "And not only that, but if we do it on girls with skirts, we'll be able to see their pants!"

Severus, Avery, Mulciber, and Regulus all beamed at each other, and burst into raucous laughter. Rosier made a slightly disapproving noise but laughed, too. For the second time in the past few days, Severus felt a strong sense of camaraderie with his Slytherin cohorts.

Mulciber had been approaching him a lot more lately, and for more than just homework help or spell advice. While Avery sat studying, Mulciber had begun to go to Severus for socialization which was odd, but welcome. Mulciber and Regulus would exchange which girls they found attractive, while Severus gave his opinion on them which was always negative. Although there were some good looking girls around, Severus was happy with Lily—though _they _didn't need to know that.

Regulus complained that his brother had landed a relationship with Cleopatra, and the next day he had set out to get himself an even "better looking" girl. In a move that could have resulted in a fight in any other social circle, he asked out Claudette Zabini, whom Severus recalled had been slightly involved with Mulciber the previous year. When Severus taunted him about it, Mulciber stuffily said he didn't care—he was too invested in a busty fourth year named Jade Spun. Avery tried to convince everyone he was too busy to care about girls, but Severus saw how much he still hung on Rosier. She told him several times a day to get out of her face. It was pathetic. She may have been an ugly girl, but it was almost worse that Avery liked her so much. Didn't he realize how pathetic it made him look?

Observing his two best mates get involved with girls was interesting for Severus. Although he couldn't divulge much about his own experience, he was able to compare. Regulus seemed to like Zabini. They held hands under the table in the Great Hall, and she came to his Quidditch games to root for Slytherin. It was only the first week of them being together, and Regulus gave her a silver pendant that she wore daily. It hung between her two dark coffee breasts and winked. Severus wondered if he was supposed to get Lily jewelry. He hoped not, because he certainly had no money to afford it. He could definitely do with more hand-holding though. He'd been having several fantasies during which Potter and Lupin walked in on him and Lily snogging.

Mulciber had other intentions. He bragged that Jade had let him snog her in the lavatory after classes had let out that Thursday. From the way he told it, she'd asked him if they could go out and he'd refused to answer, instead asking if he could feel her up. When she'd said she wasn't sure, he'd done it anyway. He said she had a great body, which Severus secretly agreed with but he wasn't about to say so. He wondered how Mulciber could be so confident, so sure about himself. Severus was slightly jealous. He hadn't felt Lily up since the Astronomy Tower, which felt so long ago and probably hadn't even been proper. Severus felt like his friends were way ahead of him, and it irritated him greatly.

* * *

><p>"That stupid <em>Levi corpus <em>spell!" Lily said sulkily to Remus, after she'd had to help yet another student down out of the air. "Where did it come from? I swear, if I see one more person hanging upside down, I am going to scream!"

"It started yesterday," Remus replied, and tiredly pointed out a third year Hufflepuff who was dangling in the air. They performed the counter curse and moved on through the hallway. "Regulus did it on James, and then James wanted to learn it, so he spent all day practicing—I was trying to study and he kept propelling me up in the air. Let me tell you, it took him a great while to get it right. I kept sloshing ink all over my bed!" Remus' tone was light, but Lily had a hard time seeing the humor in it.

"Who started it?" Lily wondered. "I really, really don't see the point of it."

"Everyone thinks someone made it up, but they're keeping themselves anonymous to not get in trouble. Sirius reckons the point is to see girls' pants," Remus said with a smile, and then at Lily's annoyed expression, he gave a meek shrug. "I mean… that was just Sirius' opinion."

"If I get my hands on whoever made up that idiotic spell, I don't know what I'd do with him!" Lily said resentfully.

"…And so my entire week has basically revolved around helping people get out the air," Lily complained, gesticulating wildly.

Severus nodded slowly, trying to form an expression on his face of great concern. "Yes, it's terrible, isn't it?" he said conversationally. They had met up that morning with the excuse of working on their homework but it was almost noon and they hadn't done much of anything. The school was fairly deserted, as the third Quidditch game of the year was happening. It was Ravenclaw verses Slytherin, and although Severus had been asked to support his friends, he'd jumped on the opportunity to spend time with Lily.

It was hard to pretend he knew nothing about the _Levi corpus _spell. All week, he'd been tempted to admit he was responsible, as most of the student body was of the opinion that whoever had invented it was a genius. Even Lily had just admitted she was impressed with it only moments ago. However, Severus exercised control and did not take the credit. His friends knew the truth, which had been awesome enough. The past couple days, they'd gave him so much praise for the spell.

It had definitely taken Hogwarts by storm. The only problem was that several times, Potter and Black had tried to use it on Severus, but he'd been able to maneuver out of it. People had truly gone crazy with their love for it. Mulciber had asked Mary MacDonald whether she wore skimpy pants, and had tried to use it on her, but she'd reported him and he'd gotten detention. As a joke, Avery had done it to Rosier. Despite the fact that Rosier wore boxers under her skirt and thus had nothing to show, she had still kicked Avery in the groin. Everywhere you went, you could never be certain if someone was lurking around the corner, ready to curse you.

"I've drawn a blank," Lily admitted, tossing her quill down. "So, are all your roommates at the game?"

"Yes, they're quite obsessed," Severus responded, carefully crossing out a spelling error he'd found in his rough draft. "They've already planned a party for tonight based around Slytherin winning."

"Cocky," Lily said absentmindedly. "So no one's up in your room, then?"

"I don't think so," Severus said, continuing to correct his paper. "Why?"

"We haven't spent hardly any time together in weeks," she responded quietly. "All we've done is quarrel about Potter—"

"We haven't exactly quarreled," Severus said. "I just don't like how blatantly he flirts with you. And sometimes, you don't respond, which I guess is sort of a tactic to ignore him. But I wish you'd really just lash out at him sometimes. He bloody deserves it, and—"

"Severus!" Lily exclaimed, with a slight smile. She patted his leg, and he felt a pleasurable shiver go through his body. "See? All I want to do is have a nice conversation with you, and it always turns into one about Potter. And I hate talking about him."

"You do, do you?" asked Severus in a low voice, slowly taking her hand in his under the table.

"I hate it more than anything," Lily said. "Except maybe actually talking _to _Potter."

Severus laughed a little bit, and threaded his fingers through hers. "Understandable," he muttered silkily.

"I've been given pertinent information regarding the boys' dorm rooms," Lily went on, and let go of his hand. "According to a secret source, girls can go with boys into their rooms, just not the opposite."

"Well, sure," Severus nodded. "Rosier's been in my room to study before—"

"Rosier is another person I'd like to refrain from discussing," said Lily simply. "I'm wondering whether you'd like to bring this study session to your dorm."

"Why?" Severus asked. "All our stuff's here."

Lily gave him an impatient look and shook his shoulder. _"Severus!" _she declared. "I want to spend some time with you, alone, in your dorm!"

"Oh," Severus said stupidly. "Right. That sounds that something I'd be up for, though I wish I'd have thought to suggest it."

"Really, Sev, who cares? Let's go," Lily said cheerfully, but the truth was that Severus _did _care. As he gathered up his books and led the way to the Slytherin common room, he damned himself for not thinking of asking her to go down there with him. He supposed part of it was that it would be uncharted territory, and truthfully it made him nervous to think about having Lily in his dorm. He also was a bit worried that people would see them in there together. Still, his thoughts of kissing Lily trumped his fears and analyzation, and side by side they walked down the spiral staircase together.

Luckily, along with there being a Quidditch game, it was also a Hogsmede weekend and so the common room was wholly abandoned. Lily admired the way the skylights let in the rippling view from the lake, making the waves seem as though they were dancing on the black wooden floor.

"I didn't know Slytherin's common room was so far beneath the school," she commented, gazing up at the dark green water that rolled across the ceiling's windows.

"Lucius told me that it's one of the only parts of the school that's been updated. You can imagine how dark it would be otherwise," Severus put in. He worried that his idle chitchat probably meant nothing to Lily, but she seemed truly interested which was always one of the things he really liked about her. He led the way down the other set of stairs toward the dormitories, musing on how strange it was to have her in his environment. It seemed like so long ago when he'd wished she had been a Slytherin with him and now the feeling struck him again, seeing how striking her red hair looked against the green walls. When they reached his dorm room and he opened the door (first making certain it truly _was _emptied of all residents), he realized how messy his bed and living area was. Strangely, it was the first time he'd ever cared about that sort of thing, particularly around Lily who he used to be certain didn't mind things like that. But now from across the room, he could see his dirty clothing in a pile on the floor, his schoolbooks thrown every which-way, and his rumpled bed sheets.

Severus uncomfortably followed behind her, and sat down on the edge of his bed as she surveyed the room. She half-smiled as she looked at all of the junk on his floor but said nothing, instead sitting next to him on the bed.

"Nice room," she said, and he looked at her suspiciously.

"Right," he said sarcastically. "You can tell the truth."

"Your pants on the floor is a nice touch," she commented, and Severus sprang up, his face hot. He kicked his laundry under the bed, muttering curse words.

"Oh, calm down," Lily grinned, rolling her eyes and pulling him by the arm back onto the bed. "I'm just being stupid—"

"It makes me feel stupid," he said roughly, "I don't want you seeing them!"

Lily crossed her arms and shrugged. "All right. Be angry. It's all you seem to be good at lately."

"Don't," Severus urged, "I'm not angry—just, honestly, I didn't want you seeing my underpants. Can we leave it at that? Please?" She continued to frown and he cautiously put an arm around her. "Please?"

"Sure. But only because you asked so nicely," said Lily teasingly. "So what do we do if your horrid roommates burst in on us?"

"They're not horrid," Severus replied. "But that's a good point. We should probably pull the canopy over. And if we hear anybody, we'll just shut up." Half of him was worried someone _would _come in, but surprisingly, the other half was interested in what the other boys would think. Certainly, his fears about people knowing he was interested in a Mudblood would be realized—but wouldn't the boys be jealous? After all, they thought she was attractive either way. Rosier even commented that Lily had nice eyes (though she had followed that observance up with a comment about how Lily's thighs were enormous). Severus figured his back-up plan would be to just say he was interested in Lily for the physical aspects of her. How could they blame him?

"What are you thinking about?" she asked, snapping him out of his thoughts.

_Shit, _he thought, quickly trying to decide what to say. Looking at her full lips and her expectant, wide eyes, he stopped thinking about words and decided he very much wanted to kiss her instead. If he didn't do it now, she'd end up making the move eventually, and then he'd feel like a right idiot for always moving so slowly. They'd snogged enough times that he was starting to feel a bit more comfortable with the idea of beginning first, although it still made him slightly tense. Severus tightened his grip on her shoulder, rubbing her there with the palm of his hand. He leaned into her, kissing her lightly on the mouth, first fully on the lips, and then tugging at her bottom lip with his teeth.

Lily moaned into his mouth, and at once wrapped her arm around his waist, pulling her legs up onto his bed and sitting in a kneeling position. She leaned against him, pressing her other hand to his chest and kissing him more deeply. He threaded his fingers through her thick, soft hair and grunted pleasurably. When he brought his hands down slowly, he felt his fingers running over her smooth neck, her arms, her waist and the curve of her hips.

"Oh!" Lily said aloud, and kept kissing him. He felt her body tremble and he grinned triumphantly at this reaction to his touch. Trying to gauge what had made her react that way, he ran his fingers back over her, starting with her thighs. Lily nodded against him, and, with his heart pounding like a drum, he slowly brought both his hands to either side of her hips. He touched her hips lightly with his fingertips, trailing his touch to her behind where he cupped it with both hands through her skirt. "We should… close… the curtain…" Lily muttered into his neck, and immediately he complied, drawing the canopy shut. They were enveloped in dim darkness but, adjusting to the change in lighting, he focused on her eyes. Severus swung his legs onto the bed, mimicking her position. From stance, she had to look up at him to kiss him and he stared down into her bright green eyes, feeling a shiver run up his spine. He wasn't quite sure exactly what he was doing, but he figured he'd best do something since she was looking at him so eagerly.

As he snogged her, his mind went off to other places. He had been so envious of his friends' carelessness around their female crushes. By this week, Mulciber had bragged that Jade had wanked him off, and they hadn't even become a couple! Regulus was always cool around girls. Plus, Severus had to endure watching Sirius Black snog the gorgeous Cleo in nearly every hallway at school. It seemed that everywhere, every bloke was getting farther than he was and he'd been with Lily longer. _Much _longer if you counted all the years leading up to this. It was helpful that no one knew he had a girlfriend—they'd probably find him pathetic, what with how slow he was moving and with how bitter he'd been about Lily's interactions with Potter. A smoother person like Sirius Black probably wouldn't give a care whether his girlfriend had an admirer.

Desperate to prove his internal thoughts wrong, Severus brought his lips to her neck as that was what he had gathered she liked, cupping her bottom with his hands again. His black hair hung over his face like a hood, eyes dark and watching intently as Lily bit her lip and raised her chin up involuntarily. "Yes, that," she muttered, nodding again, her hair shaking gently with the movement of her head. She closed her eyes as he began to use his teeth. He was gentle at first, and then began to bite her a bit harder, sucking on her neck deeply. Lily moaned sharply, then quickly grabbed his face in between her hands. She kissed him hard on the lips, causing him to get a bit breathless. Lily let her tongue in between his lips and she teased his own tongue, touching it lightly with hers and then removing it from his mouth. She planted a kiss on the side of his face, and breathed in his ear. Severus gritted his teeth pleasurably, liking this set-up much better than leaning against a wall outside in Knockturn Alley. Here, it was his territory and it was comfortable. It didn't make him much less nervous though—his heart was pounding and his body was shaking slightly.

"Christ," he said, breathing shallowly. He spread his legs out in front of him and Lily followed his lead, inclining back onto the bed. Severus adjusted himself through his trousers. "What do you—" he paused, trying to think of how to put it. "What do you want to do?" he asked.

Lily had moved to an upward angle, reclining against his pillows. "I like kissing you," she said simply. "But I thought maybe you might… you know?"

"You'll have to be more instructive," he advised gravely.

She giggled lightly, and shrugged her shoulders. He wondered if she was nervous, too or whether she was laughing at him. She was usually so self-assured that it would surprise him if she was anxious. "I liked when you were putting your hands on me," she said. "You remember, on the Astronomy Tower?" She stopped talking again, and it may have been a trick of the dim lighting but he could have sworn he saw her blushing.

"Oh. Yes, I do," he said, trying to sound casual but the truth was, excitement and terror plagued him at once. He'd very much wanted to explore that experience again, particularly alone and with less clothing. But now that she'd suggested it, he wondered if he'd be able to do it. However, his want for her outweighed logic, a rare occurrence for him. On his hands and knees, he moved toward her on the bed, examining her body in front of him. Her red hair was splayed out on his pillow and her legs were pressed together, skirt tugged up just a bit higher than her knee. She was watching him in great interest. Severus wished she'd look away—it certainly put a lot of pressure on him. He sat on the side of her, stretching out so they were lying next to each other, his left leg against her right. Lily turned to face him and he touched his fingers to her lip, her neck, lower, lower, grazing her chest and letting his hand fall upon her right breast.

Lily pursed her lips and breathed out slowly, closing her eyes and scooting closer to him. Slowly, Severus began to massage her breast, staring into her face. Soon, he began to touch her breasts with both hands. At first he moved carefully but as he felt her through her thin sweater with his fingers he began to move more quickly, rubbing and pressing down on her bosoms with his fingers and palms. Lily kept her eyes closed and bit her lip, breathing in and out softly. He massaged her boobs in a quickened rhythm, feeling how her nipples hardened under his touch and moaning throatily in pleasure. Her breasts were soft and so large that he couldn't cup all of the flesh in his hands. Licking his dry lips, he scooped her breast in his hands and stroked her nipples through her shirt.

Lily's almond-shaped eyes fluttered open, and she leaned into him even more. She pushed her waist against his and wrapped her arm around his back, planting a firm kiss on his thin mouth. He kissed her back, tweaking her nipples and she pressed her hips against him, so hard he could feel that place between her legs against his fully grown member.

"_Blimey_," he said aloud appreciatively and though Lily's face reddened in the dark, she grinned at him in a mischievous fashion. There was nowhere else he'd rather be then right there with her.

* * *

><p>"You're hard down there," Lily said pointedly, excited both by his touch and her own forwardness. It had taken her a moment to feel comfortable in Severus' bed. The sheets and pillows were in complete disarray, not to mention the way his dresser looked. Horrifying looking plants, several tea cups, and books were scattered everywhere. Ink had spilled on his bedside table and he had not cared to clean it up. His clothes were tossed on the floor, including socks that were dirtier than Lily cared to dwell on. She supposed she'd seen his room when they were much younger, but it had been more sparse than sloppy. Then again, he wasn't known around school for his clean scent and good sense of style. She hated herself for thinking about these things but it was so unlike her personal way of being, and thus she wasn't used to it. Still, as soon as they'd begun their heavy petting, Lily had all but forgotten Severus' severely dirty living space.<p>

"Yes," he said, and she had the distinct feeling he was embarrassed. "What of it?"

"Don't be so sour," she said in a low voice. "I think it's interesting that you are—"

"Well, what's so interesting about it?" he asked, falling to her side and staring up at the top of his canopy. Lily sighed, a bit frustrated. Severus was so moody lately that everything seemed to set him off. She was merely eager that she'd given him an erection and was wondering whether that meant he wanted to have sex with her. She didn't know exactly what she would do if he wanted to, and she wasn't quite sure whether _she _wanted to—but she figured she did, if it was anything like snogging. It was getting a little irritating that he was so sensitive about these things, though.

After all, Mary and Patil had only been seeing each other a few weeks and they'd already touched each other without their clothes on. Lily, Muruvi, Scarlet and Alice (who had been hanging around them a lot more, given that her dorm mates were "completely silly") had asked Mary to report to them in great detail and that she had. Mary had described how Patil had swatted her behind with his essay for Potions and had whispered in her ear if she wanted to go up with him to his room. Once they were up there he'd pulled her against his dresser and snogged her all over her mouth and neck. _"Obviously he's had a lot more practice than James," _Mary had said wisely. After that, they'd kissed for a long amount of time and he'd pulled off her skirt and kissed her around her belly button and all the way down her legs. _"I almost orgasmed right there! He was so good," _Mary had said, as Lily and the other girls listened with baited breath. According to Mary, she'd stuck her hands down his y-fronts and felt his erection. Then they'd both taken off all their clothes and snogged for even longer. _"He's got a great body. All that working out, I reckon," _she'd said smugly.

Right now, Lily couldn't help but wish that Severus was a bit more like Patil. It wasn't that Lily minded making moves on him—it was the awkward way he seemed somewhere between really liking her and being humiliated by their physical interactions. She wanted to be able to ask him sexual questions, to trust him with her most private secrets… He was so closed-off sometimes, and now even more than usual.

"What?" Severus urged from her side, snapping her out of her wishful thoughts. "What are you thinking about?" He nudged her slightly with his bony elbow and she sighed again.

"It's nothing," she replied, trying to sound positive while feeling disappointed. She sat up, flinging her hair back and smoothing it with her hands. "Maybe I'd better leave. I wouldn't want Vincent Mulciber walking in on us—"

"What does he have to do with any of it?" asked Severus grouchily, mimicking her and sitting up on the bed. She couldn't help but stare at his now obvious erection, a stiff bulge poking hard against the front of his too-small black trousers.

She quickly looked away, pulling her thin sweater down over her back and stomach. "Nothing," she repeated. "I'm just thinking we'd better end this since everyone will no doubt be back soon." She scooted across the bed, but Severus grabbed her by the arm.

"Don't go," he said urgently. "I didn't mean to ruin things—"

"You didn't _ruin _things," she replied crisply. "I just wish you weren't so serious about things all the time. I'm not trying to humiliate you—"

"Just so you know, it's still weird to have you notice I'm hard," Severus replied, closing his eyes as though he didn't want to have to look at her while talking. "I don't want to be humiliated—but there you have it…"

"I wish you'd be more comfortable with me," Lily said softly, and he released her arm.

"I'm more comfortable with you than anyone else," Severus said solemnly.

The weightiness of his tone combined with his intense black gazing eyes made Lily's face go red. "Well," she said cheerfully, "I'm off." With that, she pecked a kiss on his cheek, put her shoes on and left the Slytherin dungeon. She kept her hood over her face the entire time and successfully dodged Rosier and Middleton who were heading back to the common area.

* * *

><p>"I gagged. I can't believe I gagged!" Mary said mournfully the next morning at breakfast.<p>

Lily, who had been smiling at Severus across the Great Hall, broke his eye contact and looked at her friend dubiously. "Er… what are you on about? We've only just started breakfast and I haven't heard you gag once—"

"No, _Lily._ I _gagged," _said Mary a bit louder and then made a gesture that caused Lily to raise her eyebrows in alarm.

"What are you doing?" Lily asked just as loudly, and Mary shook her shoulder.

"Not so loud!" she said, but didn't adjust her own volume. "Just look at them—they probably all know! _Sirius _probably knows! And you know what a big mouth James has, he can't keep any secrets even if he really tries!"

Lily looked at the boys, who were sitting a bit further down the table. James appeared to be making a tower out of toast and Patil was jostling Sirius. "Whatever it is you're talking about, I don't think any of them care."

"Lily, I gagged on his dick last night."

Both alarmed and intrigued, Lily scooted closer to her friend. "You mean you gave him—"

"A blow job, yes," Mary nodded.

"And you—"

"Gagged, yes," Mary nodded again.

"Is that… er… is that a serious problem?" Lily wanted to know.

Mary frowned. "I don't know if it's a serious problem exactly, but I don't think it looks very cool. I couldn't help it. You know, surprisingly, it wasn't too long but it was really thick—"

"How was it otherwise?" asked Lily, interested. Across the room, Severus was talking to Regulus and spooning porridge on his toast. As Mary went on into Lily's ear, Lily felt her eyes wondering over again and again to the Slytherin table. She'd been feeling awfully unsatisfied after the make-out session with Severus the day before. She wished they'd have gone farther. This just made her even more depressed.

"It was pretty good," Mary replied quietly, "though really unexpected. He just pulled down his trousers and there it was! And I figured, I'd better give it a go, right? It would have been all right if hadn't have jammed it in my throat the way he did—"

"Oh my," Alice said merrily, slipping in beside Mary. "What did I just walk into?'

"Mary gave Patil a blow job," Lily said, grinning at Mary devilishly.

"And to think I didn't even finish my Charms homework last night," said Alice thoughtfully.

Scarlet and Muruvi leaned in from across the table. "How was it?" Scarlet asked, winking.

"Hot," Mary replied. "He's got a gorgeous body."

"How did you even know what to do?" asked Muruvi quietly, her large eyes completely locked into Mary.

Mary shrugged. "Easy. Muggle magazines and books," she replied. "It pays to be a halfblood, you know!" The girls laughed. Lily begged to differ—being raised Muggle hadn't gotten her or Severus very far.

"The women are certainly all abuzz this morning," Potter said loudly as he, Sirius, Peter and Remus filed past. "Could it be that they noticed how good my biceps are looking?" He waggled his eyebrows and flexed. Lily groaned.

"Get lost, James," Mary laughed, "We're all tired of your muscles—"

"I suppose Patil's muscles are looking pretty good to you these days, though. Right, Mary?" asked Sirius with a wry grin.

Mary leaned over her plate of toast in what Lily figured was her idea of a sexy manner. "No better than usual," she answered coolly. "I can see you've been working out, too."

"Not exactly. I'm just naturally like this," joked Sirius, winked, and then hurried off to join the others.

"What are you doing?" Lily asked. "I thought you liked Patil—"

"He's not my real boyfriend. He's my sort-of boyfriend. Besides, Sirius looks extra good today, don't you think?" Mary said, gazing off at Sirius' backside shamelessly.

The fact that Mary was getting more attention from her sort-of boyfriend and her not-even boyfriend had Lily wondering what exactly she and Severus were even doing.

* * *

><p>"You're getting a little chop-happy there," said Lily in Potions, where she and Severus had been set up as partners. It was the most they'd interacted in class for quite awhile, being that neither of them wanted to be found out by their classmates. Severus felt like his friends were constantly watching him with Lily, but he knew he was being paranoid.<p>

He paused in cutting up the pieces of bat body parts that were to be bottled and used in potions for the storeroom. "I'm just doing what I was told," he responded, and continued dicing up the body, peeling away the skin and discarding it.

Lily laughed a little bit, though she didn't seem amused. "You're butchering it, though," she said.

"I don't get your point," Severus replied. "It's dead, isn't it?"

Lily gave him a look he didn't quite understand, and then said nothing else for the rest of the lesson.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Severus, <em>

_I hope the school year is going well. Lucius mentioned to me that you were quite upset at not being named Prefect. It is not any of my business, but if I were you I'd be meeting with Dumbledore over it. He has some odd ideas about who to reward and who to punish. I hope it has not gotten you down. _

_ I write to you to invite you to my gathering, which will happen in late December. There will be refreshments and more information about the plans I have for the future of the Death Eaters Association. I would also like to make sure everyone is ready and wholly willing to participate. I have seen no issues with you, but some of the others may not quite make the cut. _

_ Hoping this letter finds you well, _

_ T. M. Riddle_

* * *

><p>"You're doomed," Mary said with a casual air about her tone.<p>

Severus stared at her darkly from across their table in Divinations. "What do you mean, _doomed_?"

"It's all here," Mary replied, and spread out her Tarot cards. "You've faced serious pain, it says. There's not much happiness here. At all. You're going to have to make a difficult decision. You'll have a task that will end up leading to your death—"

Severus scowled at her and slapped his own Tarot deck to the desk. "You're only saying this because you hate me. You wouldn't shut up about having to be my partner. If this is your way of protesting that, then I suggest you attempt to find a better tactic. This is stupid."

"Snape, I'm not thrilled about us working together on this. And it's obvious you feel the same. But I'm great at Tarot cards. My mother taught me," she explained in a strained voice.

"I don't care about your mother," he said rudely. "Just tell me what it really says and let's be done with it—"

"It's exactly as I said!" Mary pressed, and pointed at each card in turn. "I mean, you could interpret them differently, but I think I've got it. I feel it, you know? I'm good at this."

"You're not good at shit," grumbled Severus under his breath. "So, what does this one mean, then?" he responded, pointing to The Lovers.

"From my reading, you're going to have a romance at some point. Surprisingly enough," she said.

Severus sneered at her.

"And," she went on, "it's going to end with one of you making a choice. Possibly she chooses someone else? Or there's some sort of dramatic situation. Something horrible—I'm getting a feeling that it's going to be very sad. And then, it's all going to end in a most terrible and depressing tragedy."

"Fuck you, MacDonald. You are _such_ an idiot," said Severus bitterly.

"Don't blame me! The cards said it all. Anyway, what do mine say about me?" Mary asked.

Severus threw the cards he had selected at Mary's face. Professor Zabini took five points away from Slytherin for his "immaturity", but it was worth it.

* * *

><p>"Gotten a bit pudgy since last year, haven't you?"<p>

"Stop it, Mulciber."

"What are they feeding you at home, I wonder? Oink oink!" There was a great burst of laughter from both male and female voices.

Lily rounded the corner, her cheeks already flushed with anger. She found herself standing in front of Mulciber, Avery, Rosier who were surrounding Alice. To her irritation, Severus was standing behind the group of Slytherins, laughing right along with them. "What's going on here?" she barked, pointing at her Prefect badge and glowering.

"Ooh, fun's over. Evans is here," Rosier said snarkily. Severus stopped laughing and stared at the ground, looking uncomfortable. _Good, _thought Lily fleetingly, _I hope he is. I'll have to talk to him later. There's no way I'm going to be stupid and make it obvious we're seeing each other. _Instead, she focused her resentment on Rosier.

"You should know better, Evan. You're a Prefect, too! What would you say if I went to Dumbledore about you bullying other students?" Lily snapped.

"Since when did we get on a first name basis?" Rosier asked, stepping toward Lily and flipping her long dark bangs out of her face. "I don't associate with Mudbloods—"

"Oy!" Alice said walking toward Rosier, shaking her head. "That's not necessary—that's bad manners, that is—"

"Says the cow," said Rosier. Mulciber and Avery burst anew into laughter. Severus stared at the floor.

"That's it. I'm speaking to Dumbledore. I'm not going to put up with your bullying any longer. And Alice is no cow. She's better than you, Rosier—"

"You're not all that small yourself, Evans. How big are your legs anyway? They're like tree trunks," replied Rosier. "Go ahead. Report me to Dumbledore. My mother and father will set him straight, though. My father was head boy—"

"Go eat some sweets," Alice responded lightly. "You need it. Not only because you look malnourished but it would stop you from talking."

Setting her eyes on Severus and glaring at him dangerously, Lily followed Alice down the hallway and away from the Slytherins.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe you tattled to Dumbledore!" Severus burst out as soon as he found Lily on the train. The incident with Alice and Rosier had happened earlier that week, and Lily hadn't spoken to him for days. It was finally time for Christmas break and he'd tracked her down, amazingly alone, in a compartment in the back of the Hogwarts Express.<p>

But Lily did not seem willing to converse with him. "Someone's going to see you," she said icily, turning away to look out the window. "You should get out of here."

Instead, Severus went inside and closed the compartment door. "_Muffliato," _he said, waving his wand. He pulled the screen over the window.

"What are you doing?" snapped Lily, sounding irritated. She turned around to glance at him and then turned back to the wall.

"I made it up," Severus offered. "No one will be able to hear what we're saying. It fills the air with buzzing so they can't—"

"Great," said Lily tersely. "A real smarty-pants, are you?"

"Yeah," he replied with an edge to his voice. "That's not all I've—"

"Look," she interrupted, swinging around to face him once more. "I don't like what you're doing. Don't try to make small talk to distract me!"

"Don't like what I'm doing? What exactly am I doing?"

"You know!" she said, sounding exasperated. "Accusing me of tattling? I'm a Prefect! Or maybe you forgot!"

"How could I forget? You're on about how great and important you are all the time," he shot back. "Always running around on your duties. I'm surprised I've even seen you once this year! In fact, this is quite a treat," he said rudely.

"Oh please," Lily said indignantly. "You heard your little friends! They're mean, Severus!"

He stared at her, trying to think of how to respond. It was true that he'd felt bad Rosier called her a Mudblood. But he didn't care but for Alice, and she _did _have quite a round face and a chubby waist. She wasn't _bad _looking, necessarily, but she definitely wasn't thin. He supposed he shouldn't have been laughing along with the others, but then again, why not? Alice had never done much to impress him, and the way Rosier and Mulciber were insulting her was funny.

"What?" snapped Lily. "What are you thinking about?"

"Just… I think you're overreacting. I mean, I don't like how Rosier talked to you, but you should just ignore her, Lily."

"Ignore Potter, then. Ignore Sirius," said Lily, her eyes becoming slits.

"That is _not _the same," argued Severus. "I'm not any of the things they say. At least my friends were telling the truth—"

"So you think I'm a Mudblood," Lily said.

"Well… You're Muggle-born, but I wouldn't call you a Mudblood," he replied quickly.

"You _do _say it, then!" she said loudly. "Right there. You said it—"

"That's a trick," he argued. "You said it, too—"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Like I'd try and trick you. Don't be stupid—"

"So you can call me stupid, but I can't call you a Mudblood? Oh, that's nice," he said unkindly.

Lily's mouth dropped open. "If you want to call me one, go ahead."

He shook his head, frowning. "That isn't what I meant. And you know it—"

"Severus, whatever you think you're doing… it's _not _funny and I _don't _like it!" Lily said, standing up.

"I'm not doinganything," he said. "You're the one who won't listen to me when I try to explain myself—"

"Try to explain how you were laughing at my friend and calling her fat?" Lily squawked. She looked almost angrier than he'd ever seen, but he couldn't fully compare.

_"I _wasn't calling her fat. Even though she sort of is—"

"Severus. Get out of here. I don't want to speak to you right now." Lily put her hands on her hips and glared at him.

Severus looked at her in shock. "Don't speak to me like that! I'm trying to—I'm trying to apologize—"

"It doesn't sound like it," she said. "It sounds like you're arguing your case—"

"Won't you listen to me?" he yowled, gritting his teeth. "You haven't spoken to me forever! You're punishing me! Your housemates curse me, and tell me I'm going to have a premature death, and you don't even know because you don't even care!"

"You sound like a baby," Lily snarled. "And anyway, what are you even blabbering about? Your premature death?"

Severus' face became discolored, due to both frustration and mortification. "Your slag of a friend MacDonald predicted all sorts of unpleasant things for me during Divinations, and—"

"She's not a slag!" shouted Lily, her face bright red. She was directly in front of Severus now, and though she was level with his chin, she was still a force to be reckoned with. "How dare you… how dare you talk about my friends that way!"

"Right, and it's okay for you to call my friends disgusting, and horrid, and cruel?"

"BECAUSE THEY ARE!" Lily screeched. "When are you going to realize that? Do you think they're cool because they're from rich Pureblood families? Does it help you with your delusional fantasy that you're a Pureblood, too? You're not rich! And you're not a Pureblood! I have news for you, Severus—you're a Halfblood. You. Are. A. Halfblood, and you're not like them!"

Although Severus knew what he was, the words still stung as though she had slapped him across the face. "I know who I am," he said quietly. "And I don't hang around them because of that!"

"You don't know who you are. You haven't seen your parents in ages! Heading to Lucius Malfoy's every chance you get—it's not doing you any good!" Lily asserted, not backing down. "When you come back, you're not you!"

"That's none of your business, Lily. What do you know about Lucius? He's brilliant, he's done a lot for me—"

"More like his father's given you gifts," she said loftily.

"You don't know about it!" Severus shouted in her face. "You don't know anything about it!"

Lily stepped back a pace, her dark red hair hanging in front of her face as she stared at the floor. "You're right. I don't. But I don't like how you're acting. Calling people names, acting weird in class—"

"Nothing's different," Severus said roughly. "And I was going to say sorry for the other day, but now I'm not."

"Fine," she retorted. "Get out of here, Severus. Don't try talking to me when we get back to Cokeworth. When I want to speak to you, I'll get in touch—"

"What?" he asked desperately, throwing up his hands. "You have to talk to me! We have to work this out!"

"I'm mad at you," she said simply. "I want you out of here so I can think. And just for the record, I don't _have _to do anything."

Severus breathed in and out, fuming. He felt crushed. Not only was Lily mad at him (which was a horrifying occurrence that he dreaded deeply), but she had insulted him. "All right. Fine!" he declared, and slid open the compartment door so hard that it slammed against the other side of the door jam. In the hallway of the train stood Mary MacDonald, Potter, Black, Pettigrew, Patil and Lupin. They were all staring at him.

"Uhm… Not to pry but what were you doing in there, Snivellus?" Potter nearly hollered, rumpling his hair.

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Severus screamed at him, balling his fists. Patil, Potter and Black laughed loudly.

"Lily…" Remus said quietly, looking from Severus to her with an inquisitive expression. "Is everything okay?"

"Of course it is, you stupid ass," said Severus testily. "I was just—"

"He was just leaving is what he was doing," Lily said rapidly. "He was trying to pester me about how I got Rosier in trouble last week and I told him off."

Potter applauded in Severus' face. "Bravo, Evans. Give him what he deserves!"

Severus looked at Lily with a wounded expression. She met his eyes, and for an instant, he saw a sad look there. Then she resumed glaring. He swooped past the boys and stormed down the aisle to find his Slytherin friends. Black tripped him on his way out, and he fell to the floor, cursing out loud. Students around them laughed heartily.

* * *

><p>Everyone piled into the compartment. Mary sat on Patil's lap, Peter took out his gobstones set and tried to toss the pieces down Potter's robes, Sirius drooped himself over an entire seat and stared at Mary, and Remus and Potter sat on either side of Lily.<p>

"Old Snivellus has a crush on you," Potter said, cracking his knuckles. "But don't worry. I can act as a buffer between you two. If he won't get lost, I'll just curse him every time he's near you and psychologically force him to experience pain whenever he sees you, Evans." He grinned cheekily.

"Could you give me some space?" Lily urged, scooting nearer to Remus. "And he _doesn't _have a crush on me."

"Like he was actually mad at you for tattling. Snape doesn't have any emotions, not even for his friends. I've seen him scream at them as much as anyone else. I'll bet if you opened up his chest, there'd be a big black charred hole where a heart's supposed to go," James went on, putting his feet up on the window sill.

Lily felt her insides drop. "Don't be mean—"

"_Don't be mean," _imitated James in a high voice. "Me? Mean? Right. You were just face to face with the worst person in school, and you think _I'm _mean. You're deranged—"

"Prongs. Shove it," Sirius said casually. Surprisingly, James complied. Lily mouthed a silent _thank you _to Sirius, who nodded at her, his smooth hair moving to and fro with his head.

Remus bent into Lily, and patted her shoulder. "Are you all right?" he asked softly.

His kindness made Lily feel worse. "Of course," she said falsely. "Why wouldn't I be?"

* * *

><p>AN: Thanks for waiting on this chapter. What did you think? Let me know. Oh, and be sure to look out for the next one.<p> 


	19. Under the Pink

A/N: I wrote most of this chapter before I started the actual story. It was going to be a one-shot to show my "theory" (or idea, really) about Lily and Severus. Then, I realized that without the back story and future plans I had for the two of them, it wasn't really as heartbreaking as I wished it to be. Thus, this fic was born. My point being, I've been waiting to post this one for… uh… a long time. Also, sorry it took so long—at first I thought it would be up super fast but then life happened. R/R, please! Thanks for all your support. This is where it all gets complicated.

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><p>Chapter Nineteen: Under the Pink<p>

_Winter: 5th Year_

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><p><em>"Mother, the car is here<br>Somebody leave the light on  
>Black chariot for the redhead dancing, dancing girl<br>He's gonna change my name  
>Maybe you'll leave the light on<br>Just in just in case I like the dancing_

_I can't remember where I come from."_

TORI AMOS, "MOTHER", LITTLE EARTHQUAKES

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><p>"How is school, Lily?" trilled Mother, spooning out helpings of lamb chops and peas on everyone's plates.<p>

"School is school," said Lily miserably, focusing on her book on feminist studies rather than her family. "I don't want to talk about it." She was utterly distraught about her fight with Severus. She felt terrible about judging his friendships and lying to her house mates. However, she still believed that he was acting unjustifiably uncouth. Those friends of his were really rubbing off on him. Hardly hungry, Lily half-heartedly pushed the meat around on her plate.

Petunia seemed happy about this turn of events, and spent the entire dinner yakking to Mother and Father about some recent drama involving her friend from school who was wrongly accused of plagiarizing a report on Homer.

"Now Lily, pay attention. Put that book away," said Daddy, smiling eagerly. "Your mother and I some news. We're taking a holiday this week, and we won't return until the day after Christmas. We're going to be vacationing to Greece—"

"What?" Petunia squealed so loudly that Lily finally looked up. "You're leaving? _For Christmas?"_

"Yes, Petunia," nodded Mother. "Your father and I haven't gotten away for quite some time, and we figured that both of you girls are mature now. We're hoping you will take care of each other. Of course, you're in charge, Tuney—" Petunia gloated and Lily grumbled under her breath—" and we have faith that you two will act accordingly."

"And not set the house on fire," said Daddy merrily. Lily was irritated that both he and Petunia looked in her direction with that statement.

"Oh, you have nothing to worry about," Petunia babbled haughtily. "The house will be in even better shape than how you'll leave it. Won't it, Lily? Though I just can't imagine how you're leaving for Christmas!"

Lily made a face and leaned against her chair. _If only Petunia was going as well. Then, there would actually be an upside to all this. _

Mother nodded somewhat sadly. "It was the only time we could do so for Daddy's schedule—and you two can have some fun together!"

Petunia and Lily gave each other a Look. Lily's head was teeming with all kinds of unpleasant thoughts about their parents and how they'd be in the sun, on sandy beaches, leaving her with the dourest girl on the planet. It was hardly fair.

As the next few days went on, their parents prepared for the trip to Greece. They stocked the fridge, left a fat envelope of money for emergencies, and wrote the girls house rules in red ink (_no boys _was the big one, though Lily hotly informed them that she was fighting with Severus and that they were presently not friends). In no time at all, Mother and Daddy were gone, leaving their two silent daughters to a huge, quiet house.

Lily spent her time writing letters and reading, trying not to think too much about the fight with Severus. She felt awful about how it had ended but she reasoned that he deserved it since he had been so mean to Alice. Still, the look on his face had been unforgettable; he'd looked so hurt. She hated when he looked like that. He resembled a wounded animal. The worst part was that she had no one she could talk to about it. Instead, felt terrible while she rooted herself to the couch, where she watched sappy dramas on television and worked her way through the plate of Christmas fudge her mother had left for them. The days went by slowly, like torture.

Petunia came and went, sometimes with her snobby friends and sometimes alone. She hardly engaged Lily in conversation, though curiously enough she did invite her to a holiday party that was to occur that following week. Some friend of hers from school was throwing it. Lily figured there would be no way to get out of it unless she hid. Any other time, she would appreciate her sister trying to include her something, but at this point it just annoyed her. Petunia trying to make nice just made Lily feel worse because being nice was the last thing she wanted to do at the moment. Everything was annoying, actually. Mary sent long letters gushing about how Patil had met her in Diagon Alley and taken her to coffee, showing up with a bouquet of white roses. Muruvi wrote about her parents' holiday party, with gossip that Rosier was there and made a fool out of herself when her dress robes had slipped over her chest for an instant. Remus kept reminding Lily that if she needed to talk, he was available. That was kind, but it made her feel bad. Potter sent her a Christmas card with an invitation to a party. She ripped that letter up and tossed it in the fire.

As the week came to a close, she found better things to do with her time. She read_, _watched the Muggle news, sketched pictures, and painted her toenails. She wrote letters to Alice, Mary, Muruvi and Scarlet, suggesting an all-girls dueling group. All of the girls responded, excited by the idea. She played Scrabble with Petunia, even though they argued endlessly. Lily cleaned her room and wrote Christmas cards. Certainly, the fight with Severus had made her upset but she knew she had better things to do. She didn't need to sit around being miserable.

* * *

><p>Severus arrived home by Muggle bus and did not get to Spinner's End until nearly nine at night. The reason was his ignorance about directions and Muggle money. He'd had to scrounge up what he could find from the station ground, and asked several Muggles on the bus for change. They gave him foul looks which he supposed had to do with his hair, since they called him the same name Tobias favored: a "hippy". Once he got in the house, he was immediately reminded of why he never wanted to go back. The house stunk of garbage and spilled booze, and his parents were quarreling loudly in the kitchen. When he came inside, his mother greeted him quietly. She did not ask where he'd been all last summer. She did not inquire about his time at school, but he couldn't care any less because he felt terrible about the fight he'd had with Lily. Immediately, he headed to his room and buried himself in his books. If he slept, he didn't remember because his waking hours blended in with his sleep. Everything was a blur, a washed-out haze.<p>

On a day that could have been any day, Tobias woke him up by shouting over him. Severus groggily rolled over and sat up. "Jesus," he cursed under his breath. "What's wrong?"

"You've been in here for a day and a half, you lazy fuck! First you leave for nearly a year and now you're not talking to us. After spending time with those _Malcoys_, you must think we're dirt. Is that it?" Tobias leered from above him, brandishing a bottle.

_Is everyone going to get on me about being friend with Lucius? First Lily, then my dad,_ Severus thought. "Go away," he croaked. "You're not making sense."

His dad laughed dryly. "Like _you _make any sense," he said loudly, and left.

Severus had to admit that in this case, his father was right. Without Lily, nothing made sense. He obsessed over their fight, playing it over and over in his mind as he watched idiotic television, slept in as late as possible and avoided his father's cruel questions about his life and school. But on an afternoon that week that could have been any afternoon, Tobias became impossible to ignore.

"Pick this shit up," he commanded, knocking several of Severus' school books off the kitchen table. "I don't want to look at it in my house."

His eyes unfocused due to lack of good sleep, Severus stared at his father irately. "Don't touch my things!" he snapped, gathering up the books and glowering reproachfully.

Tobias moved forward and knocked the books down with his fist. "That's for talking to me like I'm an idiot!"

"But you _are _an idiot," Severus affirmed loudly, unable to control himself. "You're drunk—again!"

His father's black eyes flashed furiously, and he grabbed Severus by the shoulders and slammed him hard against the kitchen counter. Several glasses fell and shattered. Severus tried to wrestle Tobias off of him, but his father was much less scrawny than he was. "You piece of shit!" Tobias screamed, slamming Severus in the face with his fist. Severus hollered in pain, grasping his jaw and fell to the floor on his knees. Unfortunately, he had knelt directly in the glass shards.

"MOTHER FUCKER!" he yelled, as his legs stung with pain.

"You're stupid," Tobias said, and kneed him in the chest. "Stupid and worthless—"

Struggling to get up, Severus pulled himself up by the kitchen counter but Tobias grabbed him by the shirt collar and slammed him to the floor again, Severus' face just meters away from the glass. "Why do you hate me so much?" Severus found himself saying aloud, tears of discomfort springing in his eyes. His words surprised him.

"What's there to like?" slurred Tobias. He grabbed Severus by the neck and smashed his face onto the tiled kitchen floor. Wailing in pain, Severus felt minuscule glass shards being rubbed into his cheek. Severus dug his nails into his father's leg and heard the man emit a pained grunt. Tobias kicked him again in the stomach.

Using his father's leg as a means to sit up, Severus grabbed him and leapt to his feet. Fueled by sheer rage, he punched his father in the mouth. Tobias fell against the counter, cursing loudly. It was not the impact that caught Tobias off guard; it was the pure surprise that Severus had physically fought back.

"I will not put up with this," Severus said as he tasted blood in his mouth. "I'm going to make sure you're never drunk again!" Before Tobias could stop him, he grabbed the new bottle of whiskey off the counter. "Now you'll have to deal with yourself. Let's see how you do—"

"Give me that! I just bought it-"

"Not a chance," Severus protested, shaking his head. With that, he took off running out the door.

"I'll strangle you!" Tobias yelled, heading after him. "I'll kill you!" Severus could hear his father's footsteps behind him. The front door of the house slammed, but he did not look. There was the sound of the old Buick starting as Severus ran down the lane toward the woods, and then the sound of the car smashing into something. The neighbors were shouting. Severus ran and ran and ran, the whiskey in his arms.

He wasn't sure where he was going but he was not at all surprised when he ended up in the clearing by the river. _Just what I need, _he thought callously, _to think of Lily even more. _But he knew he was safe here. His father would never find him. Severus rubbed his hands together and paced; it was quite cold out, a factor he had not taken into consideration. The quart of whiskey suddenly felt heavy in his hands and shivering, he leaned against the large tree. _Their _tree.

"FUCK!" Severus shouted and slammed his fist into the bark. His voice echoed impressively out over the dirty river but all the punch did was make his throbbing hand hurt worse. The only positive side was it took away the pain from his face. Severus hadn't expected to have such a terrible run-in with his father and he wondered what Mum would think. _Probably nothing. What does she care? She probably thinks you're just as worthless as he does. And Lily obviously feels the same about you._ Severus slid down the tree, not noticing or caring that the ground was extremely wet. He sat with his long legs splayed out in front of him and set the whiskey bottle on the ground. His first thought was to pour out the contents into the river, but something stopped him.

Thoughts of Lily engulfed his brain: Lily's disapproving face in the train, Lily watching wordlessly as he tripped, Lily calling him a Halfblood—these were negative images. But in between were pleasant thoughts, intense as ever, of Lily on his bed, kissing her, holding hands at the Shrieking Shack, her dark red hair in that past summer's sunlight. Severus decided that if this was it between them that he really didn't think there was much to live for. His life at home was horrific, he was becoming more of a target for the popular students at Hogwarts, and he didn't feel like he was especially liked by anyone. _Of course, _he thought, _there's Tom Riddle. He believes in me! At least he says so. And Reg, and Mulciber and the others—they seem to like me all right. _Severus sighed glumly. At least there was some hope.

But without Lily, he felt like not much mattered. After all, Lily had been the first person to like him—she always encouraged him, and believed in him. She saw him differently than anyone. Beyond being his girlfriend, she was his best friend in the entire world. Regulus was quickly becoming close to Severus, and Lucius Malfoy was his best male friend but Lily knew almost everything about him. And for Severus, that was truly a big deal.

He wondered what suicide would feel like. He liked the sharp tinge when he practiced the Sectumsempra curse on his arm but he hadn't ever tried to cut himself too deep. That week on the news, a drowned man had been discovered in a local river. Severus didn't much like water, but he figured that wouldn't be like swimming at all.

Perhaps it was because he was feeling such a chill, or maybe it was due to his feeling of helplessness, but Severus unscrewed the cap of the whiskey and took a quick drink. He groaned and made a face, disgusted. It was like the vodka he'd first tasted as a thirteen year old. There was a distinct difference between his parents' liquor and that of Lucius' family's. The alcohol he had with the Malfoys was distinctly smooth, not like this. He'd never had enough to really feel the effect, beside feeling sort of warm inside. But he'd watched Lucius' pallid face become pinker, and Hagawthe become noisier. His mum was chattier when drunk, and if it wasn't for alcohol, he would have never learned his family history. It seemed the only person who had issues with drinking was his father, and Severus was desperate to prove himself as different from his dad as possible. He took another drink of the whiskey, and then another. The taste did not improve, but he cared less.

Severus leaned against the tree, recounting everything he could have said differently to Lily. If he'd acted better, he wouldn't even be here. Or at least, or he would not be here alone. He drank a longer swallow and wiped his mouth on his sleeve, still cringing at the taste.

An hour later, Severus' thoughts about Lily had passed from the depressing to the nostalgic. He hardly cared they'd had a fight; now, he simply wanted to see her and make it right! He decided he'd better find her straight away. It was boring out in the woods alone. More than he had ever before, he had a strong urge to be around people. Being out here by himself wasn't satisfactory at all. Severus had another drink of the whiskey (which was actually tasting less dreadful at this point) and went to stand up, suddenly finding himself unsteady. It was such a strange feeling that he actually snickered out loud. Then, he laughed because he was snickering. Moments later he was still chuckling to himself and gripping onto the tree for support, the bottle in his other hand.

Amazed, he realized he must be drunk. And contrary to his fears as a child, he wasn't feeling particularly violent or angry at all. He felt completely out of his body—the cold was unimportant, he cared little about his problems at home, and all he wanted was to be with Lily. He grinned at the thought of her and plodded toward her neighborhood, swinging the bottle in his hand as he went.

* * *

><p>"Who on earth is banging at the door? Who would come 'round at such a late hour? I'm trying to sleep," came Petunia's shrill voice from upstairs.<p>

"I'm about to see," Lily responded loudly, a spark of irritation running through her body. The sisters had been having an awful time together that day, bickering whenever possible. They'd gone shopping in town and Petunia had harped on Lily about everything under the sun.

"Well, don't get murdered!" Petunia called back. "Check the peephole—don't open the door!"

_"Yes, Mother,"_ muttered Lily under her breath. She stamped to the front door as it rattled on its' hinges from being pounded so hard. "Hold on!" she said loudly. She checked the peephole and was stunned to see Severus' wan face staring back at her. "I won't be murdered! It's Severus. And don't worry. He's _not _coming in," she called up to Petunia, and flung the door open. "What are you doing here? I _said_ I'd get in touch with you when I wanted to!" she said snippily and then noticed that he was grinning stupidly at her. Incensed, she folded her arms. "What? What's so funny?"

"Nothing's funny!" he smiled, and she watched him teeter back and forth a bit. "I'm just happy you opened the door. I thought maybe your mad—I mean, your dad might—but it's you! Your mad—I mean—"he paused and snorted—"your _Dad _hates me, he really does! But you're here! Do you hate me? Do you?"

"Ssh!" Lily said, vastly irritated at Severus' uncanny jubilant attitude about the whole situation. She put her hands on her hips. "It's nearly eleven at night! And my parents are out of town, they're in—"

"You're alone?" he asked excitedly, and she suddenly realized he had a bottle of liquor in his hand that he was waving to and fro. It was half gone.

"No-Petunia's here." She looked back to the inside of the house nervously and then lowered her voice. "Sev—are you drinking? Are you… are you _drunk?_" Severus, the boy who had sworn off alcohol for the rest of his life as a pre-teen? What in the world was going on? Lily wasn't sure if she should be concerned or something else.

He laughed uncharacteristically, looking wholly amused by her question. "A bit," he said, "a bit." Lily noticed that a great lot of blood had dried down his face, and that there was a gash on his cheek.

"Sev!" she cried out, all anger momentarily forgotten. "Are you okay? What happened to you?" She reached out her hand and held his thin face, examining the scar there. "Did you cut yourself?"

"My dad," he sputtered, nodding. "We had a big row—I actually hithim, but he smashed my face in all this glass. He's a prize asshole—"

Lily raised her eyebrows, disgusted. "I'm so sorry," she said, shaking her head. "Do you want me to call someone? He's not just an asshole, Severus, he _hurt _you—"

"No, no, who would you call?" Severus babbled, acting very nonchalant about the fact that his face was cut up and bloody. "Muggle police? They don't do shit—"

"How do you know?" Lily said softly. "They could help you—"

"No Muggles can help me!" Severus said, laughing as though she'd cracked a hilarious joke. He went to take a drink from the bottle and slipped, falling face down on the porch. "Shit, ha ha!" he said loudly.

"Oh my God," Lily said, hiding a smile. She stepped out onto the porch, taking Severus by the waist and helping him up. He kept tottering back and forth, and then put his arm around the small of her back to steady himself. Lily shivered. "You're freezing. Your hands are like ice," she said. "You shouldn't be outside—"

"Let me in, then," he said into her neck. "I want to see you. I came here because I miss you… I want you to like me again."

Lily felt her face get hot despite the cold winter air. "'course I _like _you," she said, "but you're hurt, Sev. Your face looks a right mess. At least let me—"

"What on earth is going on down there?" shrieked Petunia from the stairs. Her hair was set in curlers, reminding Lily of Medusa. Instantly, Lily pulled away from Severus. "What is _he _doing here?" Petunia charged down the stairs, a force to be reckoned with. She really was taking these house sitting duties to heart. "And what are you two doing out there?"

Lily quickly figured her sister couldn't spot a drunk person when she saw one—Lily hardly had, after all. Still, she stood so that she was in front of the bottle. Petunia had a keen eye when it came to drama. "Look at Severus' face," she said, acting as though she'd only been touching him to explore his wound. "He's hurt. He needs to come inside and clean up, Petunia—you understand, right?"

Petunia made a disparaging clucking noise, but she seemed to appreciate being clued in to the situation. She observed Severus from the doorway, her blue eyes slits. "I suppose you should give him a warm cloth. And there's peroxide in the bathroom." She looked hard at Severus. "You'd better leave as soon as you take care of yourself. And Lily, remember the rules!" She headed back upstairs and slammed the door to her room.

"Horse-faced cunt," laughed Severus, snaking his hand down onto Lily's bottom.

She swatted him away. "She was being _nice_, Severus. Don't talk about her that way! She could have dialed Mother and Daddy in an instant, and she still can. I know you're drunk, but don't be stupid."

He nodded, and mimed locking his mouth with a key. On the way inside, he smacked into the door jam. Lily sighed.

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><p>Lily went to work at once fixing up a warm rag for Severus' face, and they stood in the upstairs bathroom together as he wiped away the caked-on blood. There was a long, thin cut on his left cheek, and several small cuts surrounding it. A bluish bruise was forming under his right eye. The way he looked made Lily want to cry, but he seemed not to care too much. He half-heartedly scrubbed off the blood and admired the gashes as though they were something to be proud of. The bottle of whiskey sat on the bathroom counter; he'd insisted in taking it upstairs which worried Lily. But she figured they'd be safe from Petunia's prying eyes as she could hear her sister's snores from the adjacent room.<p>

"Are you still angry?" asked Severus, turning away from his reflection to face Lily, who was sitting on the counter with her legs crossed.

She shrugged and put her hands in her lap. "I _was… _I was really mad, Severus. But this is more important. I care about you too much to still be mad—"

"BRILLIANT!" he exclaimed and she nudged him in the chest with her foot.

"Shush!" she said, but she was smiling. "You must really think I'm awful if you expected I'd still be upset after seeing you covered in all those bruises—"

"Let's not talk about that," he said, and moved in front of Lily so that he was standing directly before her. He put his hands on her waist. "I think you should have some whiskey," he said, that strange, non-Severus grin plastered on his face.

"Petunia would slaughter me if she found out. My life would be over. You know that," Lily tsked, but she was curious about it. "Besides, when did you start drinking? I thought you were totally against it—"

"I drink at Lucius'," he said, slightly importantly in her opinion.

"Since when?" she challenged.

"Dunno. A few years ago—"

"And you judged me for wanting to try wine?" Lily pressed, rolling her eyes and chuckling. "I can't believe you never told me…"

Severus threw up his hands. "That was when I was a lot younger. And I didn't want you hanging around Belby—that was the main problem. I liked you and I didn't know enough to tell you. At Lucius, they gave me two drinks. That was when I met Tom Riddle! I had two drinks at the same time. It's funny now. I never drank much until tonight and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I feel great!"

Lily blinked. She'd never heard Severus be so chatty and direct, nor had she ever heard him utter the words "_I feel great_". It was truly a positive change. If drinking made Severus happier _and _more honest, what would it do to her? "I think you're as cleaned up as you can be. We should go to my room and shut the door so Petunia doesn't wake up—I do want to try that whiskey—"

"You're going to feel so good," said Severus and ran his hands over her legs. Lily shivered and hopped off the counter, unsure of how this would play out.

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><p>Lily made sure to sit at the far end of her bed, propping herself against the headboard. She wanted to test out where Severus would sit. Generally, he took some coaxing to get close to her but tonight he came right over and sat with his legs touching hers.<p>

"Go on," he said, passing her the bottle of alcohol. She unscrewed the cap and recoiled at the smell.

"It's a bit strong, isn't it? All right…" Lily paused to gather herself, then took a sip and cringed. "Ugh! It's awful—"

"Trust me—it gets much better. Drink more," he urged, and to her slight horror, he took out a cigarette and made to light it.

Lily knocked it out of his hand, frowning. "You wally—you're going to _smoke _in my house? Do you know how much trouble I could get in?"

"I could lean out the window, come on—" Severus said. At her expression he snorted. "Fine, fine. I won't. Go on… Drink some more of it. I want to see you get drunk."

"Who says I'm going to get drunk?" she said lightly, but took a longer drink, sticking out her tongue when she was through. "Yikes, it's foul—"

Severus snatched it away and took a sizable drink. "I told you, you notice less and less. Here!" He shoved it back at her.

"What is this, a race?" Lily asked, but complied. She wanted to know how it felt to be drunk just as much as Severus apparently wanted to see her drunk. The whiskey still left a burning feeling in her throat.

"Have I ever told you…" Severus began, and then put his arm nonchalantly around her shoulder. "Have I ever… told you how much I like your eyes?" he asked, and as if proving his point he stared deeply at her as though looking for something he'd lost.

Lily giggled and took another drink. "Yes, sort-of. And I've told you I like yours, as well."

Severus continued to gawk at her until she playfully hit him in the chest. He took the bottle out of her hands and pressed it to her mouth. Lily squealed, laughing. "Get that out of my face—"

"Drink more," he said.

"It's terrible, though!" she said, though she took another, longer, drink and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She wasn't feeling different yet, which was surprising. She'd expected the effect to be immediate. So, she took two more drinks from the bottle, hoping she'd soon see a difference in herself.

"So you really didn't want me hanging around Belby?" asked Lily teasingly. "You should have just said something instead of acting like you did. Remember how you stormed out of Slughorn's party?" She laughed aloud, taking what would be her sixth shot from the bottle.

"Oh, be quiet. At least I didn't cry, like you did that one time—"

Lily dropped her mouth open in mock-shock. "I can't believe you'd make fun of me for crying! You're horrible!"

"Well, yes. That's the point, isn't it?" he said with a small sneer.

"_You_ cried when you thought I was hanging around Potter—"

Severus kicked her softly. "Fuck you. I never cry."

"Everyone cries, Sev," Lily said.

"Not me," he affirmed. "Anyway, I've got to take a piss. Be right back." He walked out of the room unsteadily.

Lily slumped back on her bed and grabbed the whiskey bottle, taking a big swig. She ran her hands through her hair, tossing it back and staring at herself in the mirror across from her bed. Her long hair was attractively unkempt, wavy and rolling over her shoulders. In her opinion, she looked quite good. She wondered if Severus thought so. He had to—didn't he? Annoyed at her roving thoughts, Lily took another drink of the whiskey. She ran her hands over her chest, and pulled her blouse down so that her cleavage was much more visible. Being drunk felt better than she'd expected. It felt good not to care, to simply chat and get along with Severus. This was the best time they'd had since they'd officially gotten together. Everything felt so honest.

* * *

><p>"And so it's really no doubt I hate her, you see," Severus said unevenly, leaning against Lily's pillows on her bed, his black hair dangling in his face as he told her all about being Mary's partner in Divinations. "Every day, she predicts that my life will be one big nightmare. Not that it isn't already. Hey, maybe she's actually really <em>good <em>at Divinations. I never thought of it that way. Of course, I have you in my life." He looked at Lily pointedly.

Lily giggled, spreading herself out and accidentally-on-purpose touching his leg with her foot. "She's my friend, but she _can _be obnoxious," Lily agreed, nodding. "Did you hear she gave Patil a blow job?"

Severus widened his eyes, and shifted backward, resting on his elbows. Lily watched his thin chest rise and fall, memorized his sharp jawline and dark, thick eyebrows. "Told you she was a slag," he said finally.

"Shush," Lily laughed, pushing his chest playfully. "This coming from a bloke with Rosier as a friend. What's her problem, anyway? You said it yourself. She's an ugly girl—"

"I wish I had a camera," Severus said, grinning. "I'd take a photograph of this momentous occasion upon which Lily Evans spoke a bad word about someone for absolutely no reason—"

"You do it all the time about my Gryffindor housemates," Lily retorted, though she was smiling slightly. "I get to say the truth every once in a while, then, don't I?"

"Be my guest," he said darkly, a twisted smile on his lips.

"I think you're rubbing off on me," Lily said playfully.

Severus caught her eyes. "I _wish_ I was rubbing off on you," he said.

Lily giggled again, taken aback. "Oh," she said, pushing back her bangs. "That's funny, Severus."

"Go on," he said unevenly. "Tell me what you think of Rosier. Don't be afraid—"

"I'm not afraid. She's awful, Sev. You know she is! Aside from being ugly, she's a terrible Prefect. Most of the time she's just lounging about in the baths or in study hall, and she passes off all the hard duties to Middleton. She's sneaky, and thinks she's ever so cool because she's got a Pureblood family. You know, from the back and the side, she really does look like a boy. And not a cute boy, either," she said, feeling good about her tirade.

Severus smirked almost approvingly.

"And don't even get me started on Mulciber—ugh—you must know the things he gets up to. He's such a gross pervert. Anyone who says he's good looking is insane. His personality is rotten," Lily went on. "And Regulus Black is evil—I can't believe the things he does to Sirius. Not that Sirius doesn't deserve it, but still—"

"Too far," Severus said, holding out his hand. "Don't go making fun of _all _my friends. I don't really want to talk about them—"

"Me either. But you asked," Lily replied shortly, flinging her hair back. She smiled at him and lay down so that they were side by side. "I drank quite a bit, but I don't feel different, really…"

"Your face is pink," Severus said laughingly. "And you're talking a lot."

Lily frowned. "So?"

"So, I like it," Severus shrugged at her. "I like to see you being mean. It's funny."

"Funny?" Lily rolled her eyes. "You're supposed to fear me."

"Ha. Right. Nothing scares me," Severus said, and squeezed her shoulder. They locked eyes, and he leaned in and kissed her on the lips.

Lily giggled and shoved him in the chest. "You're so weird," she said plainly, sitting up again to lean on the headboard.

* * *

><p>"What do you think? Have I caught up to you, you think?" She waved the bottle of whiskey, which was considerably emptier than when Severus had arrived.<p>

"You hardly drank as much as me, but then again you're loads shorter—"

"_Not _loads," she said, feigning annoyance, a small smirk on her lips. "I'm bored," she went on. "I think we should…" She was paused and burped loudly. Normally, this would mortify her but now it just seemed funny. She laughed. "Sorry," she said.

"You're worse than me," Severus said, shaking his head. "And you go on and on about _Rosier _being like a bloke—"

"Quiet, you. Anyway," she babbled, "I can't believe I had so much. I'm a Prefect, I really shouldn't be acting this way—"

"We're not even at school and you're still going on about being a prefect?" Severus said jokingly. "Do you ever think about anything else?"

"You're just jealous because you weren't made a prefect," Lily said, sticking out her tongue.

"You know, you're right," he said dryly, waggling his eyebrows. "I'm so pathetic, I'm still thinking about that. Trust me, I'm _glad _I'm not one. It gives me more time to do important things."

"Like what?" pressed Lily, laughing again. "Making up spells?"

He paused and shrugged. "Sure," he said. "Like any of your _Gryffindor _friends are smart enough to do that."

Lily tossed her pillow at his head. "Hey!" she said, "We're smart in Gryffindor. We're brave, too—"

"Yes, so I've heard," said Severus mockingly, laughing.

Lily rolled her eyes but she couldn't help but grin. She flopped back against the wall, smirking. "Honestly, you're such a pain sometimes."

Severus sat up and smiled at her. "You know, I thought drinking would make me act bad, but I like how I feel—I feel good. Not like myself. Better than myself."

"Sev, _I _like the way you are," Lily said, spreading out on the bed again. She stifled a hiccup. "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Honestly. I wouldn't like you if you weren't you—"

"You like everybody," he said, his black eyes glossy. "That's why people like you back. You're the nicest person in school. So, how'd you get stuck hanging around a fucking joke like me?" It was hard to tell if he was being serious or not.

She smiled at him, her face suddenly feeling quite flushed. "I'm not as nice as people think I am," she said, shaking her hair out of her face and staring at him. "Honestly, I try to stand up for what I think is right, but it gets tiring. And most of the people at school don't deserve half the things I do. Sometimes I'd rather act like a bitch."

"I fancy you, big bitch or not," Severus said, grinning.

Lily felt a shudder through her body as he looked her over. "I fancy you back even if you're a right cruel bastard sometimes. You're still my best mate—"

"Is that all?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed, a slightly amused smile on his thin lips. "Just your mate, then? What about when we…" He trailed off and ran his long fingers up her thigh. Her breath caught in her throat, though she tried to play it cool. _But how could she play it cool now? _Her head was swimming and she felt the impact of his touch rippling through her. "You like that, do you?" he asked deeply. His voice was like a silk scarf rubbing against her inner thigh. He sounded confident. Daring, even.

"Not just mates, silly," she managed to say, unable to contain a smile. "You know that… But you? You're always so cold. Who knows what you're thinking?" She caught a glimpse of them in the mirror in front of the bed. They were striking, the pair of them: he with his sharp features and thin, angled body and her with her soft curves and bright eyes.

Whatever reservations she had regarding his appearance were melting away quickly. Generally, she was sorry to admit she sometimes found him physically unappealing. His attractiveness lay in his personality and their history together. However, about now, his slightly oily black hair made him look more rebellious than unclean, and his faded clothes gave him a sort of rugged appeal she'd never considered before. She found herself watching him in the mirror, watching those long white hands she knew were almost triple the size of her own, and his sockless feet, lengthy toes fanned out. She watched for the front of his jeans, wondering if his dick was hard yet. As she continued to watch their reflections Severus leaned into her neck, his hot breath making her heartbeat quicken. She watched him in the mirror nibbling her neck, his teeth sharp and powerful against her skin. Lily moaned quietly, feeling her inner core warming up. She rubbed her legs together.

"If I'm cold, you're hot," he responded. And then, suddenly, she felt his fingers exploring her stomach, touching the curves of her breasts. She breathed in and leaned back toward him, kissing him deeply on the mouth. Their tongues intertwined. He tasted like whiskey, cigarettes and ink. Hurriedly, he stuck his left hand down the front of her pajama bottoms, the elastic snapping over his fingers. Lily let out a low moan, surprised but eager and excited when she felt the long fingers she'd just been studying in the mirror probing the folds of her privates. Severus grunted into her ear, kissing her shoulders as he uncertainly explored the center of her with his fingertips. She bit her lip at the way his long nails felt harsh on the sensitive skin there, but she was too energized by the fact that he was there to correct him—she didn't even have the words to do so. It was different than when she did it, and when she felt his long fingers pressing deep inside the tight hole, she winced and moaned aloud.

"Blimey, I like this," he said. His voice was urgent and rough as sandpaper. Lily's mouth opened involuntarily and her eyes shut as he pushed his pointer finger into her more firmly and quickly, in and out. She whimpered, barely able to breathe, and Severus pulled his finger out. She let out a breath as he situated himself in front of her, kneeling in between her spread-out legs. He tugged down her pajama bottoms and felt her privates with his whole hand. She moaned aloud when he happened to pull his fingers across her clitoris, and she felt him trying to recreate that reaction, rubbing his hand across her. He wasn't exactly hitting the right spot, but his touch still made her writhe in front of him. He stuck his finger inside her again, and then he added a second and a third finger. Her legs shook slightly. "You're wet," he muttered. "Damn, you're really wet." His rhythm quickened; she had the sudden fleeting thought that he was going to rub her raw. She could feel his nails against the walls of her, and yet she didn't want him to stop. He stopped and pulled off his shirt, pulled down his trousers. Lily felt like they were in a movie but she had not memorized her lines. Everything was a fast blur. She felt like she wasn't fully present, but she watched him struggling to pull his trousers over his erection all the same.

Smiling unevenly, she leant forward and reached out for his member, feeling the front of him through his y-fronts. Severus clenched his teeth and nodded, and she kept stroking him there. Scooting forward on the bed, Lily tugged his underpants over his hard dick and stared at it in the dim lamplight. Wordlessly, she ran her hand over the smooth skin, and cupped his large balls with her other hand.

"Oh… my… fucking…" Severus trailed off and bit his lip.

Lily observed his penis. It was bright pink and big, and her head whirling with careless thoughts of Mary and Patil, and Sirius Black, and all of the summers in the forest near Spinner's End, Lily bent down and licked the tip of his engorged penis.

Severus groaned pleasurably, one hand in her hair and the other cupping her breast, tweaking her nipple. Lily took the end of his dick in her mouth, rolling it around under her tongue. It didn't taste very good, it was like sweaty laundry, but in her present state of mind she really did not notice or care. She wondered if she was doing it right, but that also did not matter in this moment. What mattered was the feeling that she was rendering him speechless. She liked that quite a bit. She sucked on his penis for a few more minutes as he panted and moaned above her.

"Let me have a go," he said urgently, once she'd slowly released his dick from her mouth. "I'm so hard, just let me—"

"You want to have sex with me?" she asked, in what she thought was a flirty tone. She felt a bit unsteady, and there was a bad taste in her mouth. She let out a sharp whimper when he once again stuck his fingers all the way inside her.

"Don't be stupid," he said. He kissed her mouth, and then licked her neck, breathing hot against her. She moaned, putting her arms around his neck. Severus pulled his fingers out, and tugged her shirt up over her face. "Of course I do." He threw it behind them on the carpet. He felt her breasts, cupping them in his hands and grunting deeply. When he breathed in her ear, she felt like she was on fire. He wanted to have sex with her. She figured she wanted to have sex with him, too, and they were both intoxicated. Petunia was sound asleep. When else would they get to do this? After all, hadn't they waited long enough?

Lily tried to reason with herself, but it just wasn't happening. When she felt his fingers back in the folds of her, she lay back on the bed, waiting and wondering how this would play out. Severus stopped fingering her, spat in his hand, and began to vigorously pull on his dick. Lily watched him in great interest, leaning on her side to dim the lamp, her hair spilling over her naked shoulders.

There were things she knew she should remember, but she couldn't quite recall what they were. She felt like she should say something important, and then suddenly she felt a sharp, deep pain. She bit down on her lip and squirmed on the bed. _"Ouch," _she said in a squeal. "What _was _that?"

"You're really small down there," he said unapologetically. "Wait… hold on…" He spat in his hand again and rubbed the saliva over his member. She watched this time, blearily, as he leaned over her and with one hand and tried to force his thick member into her. It was like trying to stick a tube of lipstick through a keyhole. She made a sound of protest again—it hurt worse than anything she'd ever felt. "I know," he said, sounding irritated, "I'm trying—"

Expectantly, Lily clenched her teeth and waited for whatever sex was. So far, this didn't seem to be all that worthwhile. They did the same thing a few times, and then once there was a _really _terrible pain (he admitted he'd put it in the "wrong place" by accident). Severus didn't say much, other than an annoyed comment here and there and Lily wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. He kept spitting on himself and trying, again and again, looking all the more frustrated every second. Finally, Lily felt a stabbing pain in her core.

"Oh my god," Severus whispered loudly. "This is _so _good."

She supposed he was finally fully inside her, due to the amount of pain she was in. Lily gritted her teeth as he thrust into her slowly. He moaned, and then repeated the same motion, thrusting into her a second time. Above her, he was staring down, watching her with an intense look on his face. Lily had the distinct urge to laugh, but she held it in. She tried to re-position herself to make it feel better. She even arched her back, but it was the same throbbing feeling. "Sev, is it supposed to hurt?" she whispered.

"I don't know," he said offhandedly. He was no help at this point, she decided. She stared up at him widely as he looked down at her, grunting and thrusting into her once in a while. "Too good," he said in a low voice as he quickened the pace of his thrusting. He breathed shallowly, sounding like he was drowning. She was getting used to it. Either that or it wasn't hurting as much anymore. She bucked her hips toward him, and he stopped. "Don't—do—anything," he instructed her throatily, and then the upper half of his body convulsed. "_Fuck_," he spat, and there was a great feeling of release as he pulled out of her.

"What are you—" Lily began, but then Severus made a pained face, moaned loudly, and jolted forward a bit. Lily felt something hot and wet on her leg. She blinked a few times and gazed up at him, confused. "What—just?"

"It's not usually… it's not usually that short, I can go much longer—damn… Er..." He used the edge of her blanket to wipe off her leg, and then gawkily he slid off the bed, bending over to find his clothes. In the dim dark, he looked overwhelmingly lean and very white. She blearily noticed that his entire back was covered in bruises of various sizes.

"Was that it?" Lily wondered aloud, closing her eyes. It was as though she had vertigo.

"I told you, it's not usually like that!" he snapped unpleasantly, pulling his underpants over his now flaccid penis. He stumbled into her nightstand, making the lamp rattle.

"I guess I thought there was more to it," she said candidly, a surge of uncertainty and excitement pulsing through her. She had just lost her virginity to Severus. It was over. _What would Mary and the others think?_

Unfortunately, Severus seemed personally offended by her comment. He shot her a dirty look, and pulled the rest of his clothes on. "You know, you weren't very much help," he said. "Anyway, I'm off. I'm going home."

"Are you sure you should go back to your house?" she called out quietly. "Are you sure it's a good idea?"

He turned back to look at her, his angular features accentuated in the dark. "Where else would I go?" he asked quietly, and left.

Lily sat back in the dark, and looked at her digital clock. It was four in the morning. She still felt dizzy, and slightly parched. She headed to the bathroom and drank a cup of water, and then stared at her reflection. It _was _her after all. She had thought it would be a girl she didn't recognize.

* * *

><p>Severus stumbled all the way to Spinner's End, falling down several times and painstakingly dragging himself up. In his head was a dull spinning feeling, and although it had registered that he had just had sex with Lily, he wasn't really quite sure how it had happened. He felt a pleasant sense of relief due to climaxing, but it was mixed up with something else—a shadow of doubt, of foreboding. His dick had not quite worked the way he meant it to. Anytime he masturbated by himself, he was able to control precisely when he wanted to ejaculate. Tonight, he'd taken longer to become hard than usual and he'd come within minutes despite a huge amount of effort to make it last longer. He wasn't quite humiliated, just annoyed. He had no reason to be embarrassed because he hardly cared about anything at all.<p>

Severus tripped on the driveway in front of his house and cursed loudly. He felt extremely out of control when it came to his body, as though he were a puppet on strings. Unsteadily, he fell through the front door and instantly sat on the couch in the parlor. Stretching out, he was aware of how loose he felt. Loose, and a bit peaked. Severus' stomach turned, and his head panged dully with the start of headache. He tried to measure how much alcohol he'd consumed. Way, way more than he ever had before. More than half that bottle. It was a mystery to him how he'd even gotten to Lily's house. He didn't remember anything except for being inside her, how good it had felt. But even the memory of thrusting on top of her gave him a wretched feeling of dizziness. He closed his eyes and moaned weakly.

He curled up on the couch and dozed off for about an hour, until he awoke to a searing headache. Gripping the couch cushion, Severus struggled to pull himself up, feeling physically worse than he had in his entire life. He had no will to move, and no recollection of how he'd gotten home. And then, he vomited right there on the couch. He spat the bad taste out and instantly fell back asleep, side-by-side with the pile of puke.

Only a few hours later, he woke up to the sound of loud laughing. Hazily, he opened his eyes to see Tobias standing over him cracking up hysterically. Severus stared up at his father, his head throbbing, feeling extremely perplexed. The smell of the puke next to him was so unbearable, he nearly felt the urge to throw up again but he held it in. He slowly sat up, rubbing a hand across his sore forehead and brushing strings of puke out of the sweaty strands of hair that hung in front of his thin face.

"What?" he croaked. The sound of his own voice made his head pound even harder.

Tobias snorted. "I'm just not surprised," he said, and left the room.

Unable to hold it back any longer, Severus hurled bile onto the floor.

* * *

><p>Across the bridge, Lily was not feeling much better. She woke up dehydrated and feeling strained in every part of her body, and to top it off, her sheets were stained in blood. Her privates throbbed every time she walked. She had the worst headache ever, and she was absolutely starving. It was a very hard morning. Around noon, she slowly got out of bed and wandered down to the kitchen, where Petunia was reading a magazine.<p>

"It's about time you got up," Petunia said curtly, instantly looking up.

Lily waved a morning greeting and groggily shuffled to the fridge. This was a time when magic would definitely come in handy; she'd much rather use a spell then have to cook in this state of mind. She leaned against the counter, her head spinning, as she toasted two slices of bread. Lily closed her eyes and instantly she recalled the pivotal moment of last night's visit with Severus: _I lost my virginity. _

"Something wrong?" asked Petunia sharply, and Lily felt her sister's eyes boring into her.

"Nothing," Lily managed to get out. "Nothing's wrong at all—"

"What on earth did that boy get himself into, Lily? You know, Mother and Daddy wouldn't have approved of him coming over so late but I trust you now to know right from wrong. Still, I think it's awful that he acts the way he does. Do you suppose he got into a fight with someone? I think that would be dreadful. It's not the way people should act," she babbled.

Lily shrugged, grabbing marmalade and butter from the fridge and spreading heaving layers all over her toast. "Don't know," she said shortly. "He wouldn't say. His parents weren't around and he needed help. That's all I know." With Petunia, Lily had found that being blunt and to the point made lying much easier. If a story was explained enough that Petunia wasn't hankering for details, it meant she'd leave the issue alone.

True to form, Petunia looked back at her magazine, wetting her finger to flip the pages. "You're coming with me tomorrow, right? Tabby invited you specifically, though I do believe she was just trying to be polite—"

While Petunia's eyes were on her magazine, Lily rolled her own eyes. "Yes, I'm going—"

"We'll be leaving tomorrow at one in the afternoon. I'd like it if you looked a bit less… risqué than usual," suggested Petunia.

Lily sat down in a stool in front of the kitchen counter. "What do you mean by that?"

"Take now, for instance. Your… _bosom _is showing," Petunia informed her.

Lily looked down to see a modest amount of cleavage showing. "Tuney—I have big boobs—they won't just go away—"

"Yes, but you don't have to flaunt them," said Petunia. "Honestly, people are going to get the wrong idea about you."

Lily focused on her toast and tried desperately to drown out her sister's words. Instead her thoughts dwelled on last night's happenings. She was regretting how much alcohol she'd had because she was certainly paying for it now, and she was not certain whether or not she was happy she'd had sex. She'd wanted to, but it had been different than she'd expected. It had been very awkward and it hadn't felt good. Severus' fingers had been too harsh, his penis was too large, and he'd gone from scarily happy to a big arse in a matter of minutes. It seemed alcohol didn't fully change people, as they'd presumed. He was the same moody person as before, she decided darkly. She couldn't remember their conversations very clearly, but she knew she'd had a good time for awhile. She tried to retrace the night, to fully remember how she'd lost it. Lily pretended to listen to Petunia babble on about the neighbors across the street, and how they were all in a big fight. She mostly wanted to chuck her toast at her sister's head. Again and again, she wondered how Severus was doing. She worried about his home life, but she also wanted to know what he thought about last night.

Once she'd had several glasses of water, she felt much better but still on the verge of throwing up. She was able to get out of hanging out with Petunia and went back to bed for several hours. Around five, she woke up to tapping at her window and she tiredly opened it. Poe flew in, hooting loudly and dropping a piece of folded up paper.

"Haven't seen you in awhile," Lily said, petting her head. Her stomach turned, now from nerves rather than nausea. She unfolded the note and read what Severus had sent. In his small untidy scrawl was one word:

_Hi. _

Lily sighed and took out a quill. _Waste of parchment, don't you think? _she wrote. _So how are you doing? I was considering talking to you but I figured you should talk to me first. How are you? I feel like a bludger hit me in the head. And everywhere else, really. I'm not sure what I think about last night. Want to meet me at our tree? Petunia's out of the house. _Lily folded the parchment back up and sent Poe on her way. Fifteen minutes later she got a response, although Poe looked at her as if she was wondering why they could not just deliver the messages themselves.

_You're snappy today, _he'd written. _I'll meet you in five minutes if you don't talk too loudly. You think you feel like a bludger hit you? Well, I feel like I was shot multiple times and I've thrown up all my vital organs. My father laughed in my face and seems to be proud of me for once which I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around—though that could be because I may have potentially puked out my brain. I hope you are not mad at me because from what I remember of last night I had a very nice time. Meet me by the tree, all right? -Severus _

Lily made a face at his mentioning of vomit; he really could be disgusting sometimes, although she felt bad for him. At once, she changed her clothes, fixed her hair in the mirror and set off out the door with Poe flying overhead.

* * *

><p>"Hi," Severus croaked, exhaling smoke from his cigarette and staring at Lily as she approached. How she looked so flawless after their late night he'd never understand. She was only wearing a plain jumper and jeans and her long black coat, but she looked stunning to him. He could hardly believe he'd been inside her last night, partly due to the fact that he hardly remembered it. From the reproachful look on her face she did not feel the same way about him.<p>

"You're a mess," she said, sliding down the tree to sit by his side. Last night, he'd had absolutely no issue getting close to her. Now, the fact that their knees were almost touching drove him a little crazy. He wasn't sure whether he should act like last night had happened or not. Since he'd woken up, he'd considered writing to Mulciber and Lucius, two people whose opinions on women he trusted. But he was fearful they'd work out that it was Lily and he'd be exiled from the group. He couldn't risk it, not with the first official Death Eaters meeting drawing near. He still needed to speak to Tom Riddle about his predicament—he wanted Tom to like him, so he was making certain to wait until he felt it was safe to do so. With no one to talk to, he'd walked around the entire afternoon replaying having sex with Lily in his mind. He very much wanted to try it again, because he couldn't remember too much about it. He had even considered drinking more today to strike up the courage to ask Lily if they could again, but the thought of drinking had literally made him sick.

"What are you thinking about?" Lily asked, pulling him out of his mind.

"A lot," he said seriously and shrugged. He sighed and then drew a breath. "Look. About last night. I just… It was…"

"Bizarre," Lily filled in, smiling slightly. Afraid she was mocking him, he looked away.

"Suppose so," he shrugged again. "I don't remember much, is all."

"Oh, that's nice," she remarked sarcastically. "Though I suppose my memory of it is a bit foggy." She paused. "I'm rather sore though, you know. You ought to cut your fingernails."

Severus made a face. "What—_oh," _he said, and then cringed. "Right. I didn't even think about that. Sorry—"

"It was _not_ at all what I imagined," she said, folding her arms. "And it wasn't just you. I was acting like an idiot."

"You wish you hadn't done it," he said in a low voice.

"_Sev," _she said softly and to his relief she made the first move and took his hand. "I don't mean that at all. It wasn't pleasant but I like you—of course I like you, you _know _that. And there's no one else I would have rather done it with."

He raised his eyebrow, his chest bursting with pride. "Really?" he questioned, surprised.

She nodded and smiled as he massaged her fingertips. "You're the best of all the awful dunderheads I know—"

"Shut up," Severus muttered, a thin smile appearing on his face. It was then that she studied him, her face taking on a worried expression. She touched his cheek. "_Don't," _he said. "I don't want you mentioning it—"

"It almost looks worse," she commented.

"I said _don't," _Severus said, and recoiled. He released her hand and inhaled his cigarette, breathing out deeply. "I don't want you to talk about it. It's done."

Lily stared hard at him but changed the subject. "I'd like to try it again sometime. Parts of it were quite good."

He figured he'd never stop being surprised at her straight-forwardness though he heavily appreciated it. "When?" he asked. "When does _Tuney _get home?"

"Not sure," Lily said.

"We could…" he trailed off and looked around then.

"You're mad if you think I'm going to do it on the soggy ground—"

"I suppose you're right." They both laughed uncomfortably. "I'd offer up my house but… you know."

Lily nodded. "Petunia will no doubt be asleep by ten. If you promise to be quiet and not be drunk, I'd consider letting you in again."

"It was fun last night, though, wasn't it?" Severus asked, that panging worry striking up again. _What if I can't do it again? _he wondered.

"It was fun until the end. You acted sort of rude," she shrugged.

"You'd give me another chance?" he asked.

"Yes, of course," Lily nodded and her voice sounded as urgent as he felt. "Though I'd like it if you could cut your nails, please."

He nodded and put his cigarette out on the grass. "All right," he said quietly. "I'll come by, then." He'd brave anything to see Lily naked again.

* * *

><p>At ten o'clock on the dot, Severus knocked on the Evans' door as softly as he could manage while still being able to hear the knock. Lily must have been waiting for him because at once, she slowly opened the door. They stared at each other awkwardly and smiled. Severus raised his hand up. "See?" he said, displaying his newly cut nails, all of them slightly uneven.<p>

Lily grinned, blushing. "I suppose that means I have to let you in."

"Not if you don't want to," he said solemnly.

"Get in here," Lily said playfully and grabbed him by the sleeve. "But keep whispering. Petunia's been asleep since around nine, but I don't want to risk her finding us. Let's go."

Severus hurried after her, walking carefully up the stairs as to not make a sound. Being that he was completely sober, his heart was racing and his palms were sweaty. He wished he was generally put together and confident, but that simply wasn't so. He followed Lily into her bedroom and watched her shut the door behind them, still surprised he was even there. Lily sat at the edge of her bed and kept smiling at him.

"So…" he said slowly, averting his gaze from her expectant face.

"You can sit down, you know," Lily said, sounding slightly irritated.

"A-all right," Severus said, and sat tentatively on the edge of her bed. Lily turned to face him, putting her feet underneath her.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "I hope you aren't still feeling weird about everything last night. You know… If you don't want to do this again, we don't—"

Severus shook his head forcefully. "I _really _want to. I just don't…" he looked at his hands, embarrassed. "Last night I didn't care about what happened and it made me way better at making decisions and saying what I wanted. But now, I don't know how to even start doing the same things again!" He was surprised at how humiliated he sounded.

Lily said nothing, but leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. Severus' body felt less tense but he wished he had kissed her first. Still, it felt great. He bent over her and ran his hands through her hair. They kissed for several minutes, and then miming Lily, Severus scooted further onto the bed. They continued snogging, lying side by side on Lily's pillows, Severus staring at her as she kissed his mouth with her eyes closed. He felt his heart pounding in his chest and he was already becoming erect. With one hand he cupped the front of his trousers and moaned into her mouth. Lily sat with her hair dangling over her face and lowered her mouth to his neck where she kissed him softly. Severus leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. They continued kissing until Lily reached for her lamp. Severus grabbed her hand and lowered it.

"I'd prefer to keep the lights on," he instructed her. "I want to remember it this time, and I want to see you."

Lily smiled slightly, and kissed him on the lips, pulling gently on his bottom lip with her teeth. Embracing, they fell back onto the bed entangled. Severus' nervousness subsided as his dick hardened and his heartbeat quickened with Lily's every touch. He felt her breasts through her top and she pulled her jumper over her head. He gazed deeply at the dark pink nipples and the pale, soft flesh. Running his fingertips in circles around her nipples, he listened to Lily's breathing grow more hurried.

Severus pulled his own shirt over his head and unzipped his trousers, pulling them off and tossing them aside. His hard penis stuck out in his form-fitting black briefs, and Lily pressed her palm to the bulge. Severus shivered.

They heard the sound of Petunia coughing, and they both paused, frozen in the lamplight. The floorboards creaked, and they heard Petunia going into the loo. Severus stared at Lily, wide-eyed. Lily raised a finger to her lips, wearing the same panicked expression. Only minutes later, they heard Lily's sister's footsteps heading back into her room.

"Holy shit," whispered Severus, and Lily covered his mouth with her hand.

_"We have to wait 'til she's back asleep," _she said so quietly Severus could barely hear her. They sat there, the wait seeming excruciatingly long for him. Finally, Lily placed her hand back on his groin and rubbed him through his pants.

He sighed pleasurably and moaned, writhing a bit. He trailed his hand down her chest and toward her pajama shorts, feeling the front of her.

"Careful," Lily warned, and unpeeled the shorts from her body. She kicked them off the bed. Severus stared at her, as though for the first time. There were freckles here and there but for the most part she was a smooth, peach color. Her dark red hair hung over her large breasts and her stomach was curved and soft-looking. Down below was a triangle of light red pubic hair and her legs were long and milky white, light blue veins showing in places. He wanted to remember how she looked; he wanted a photograph in his mind. Unable to watch any longer, Severus slid his hand over the front of her privates and ran his fingers lightly over her. She moaned softly, and he repeated the motion, kissing her on the lips as he did so. He slowly pushed his pointer finger inside her vagina and continued kissing her, moving his hand forward and backward. He kissed her neck, rubbing his nose along her cheek. Lily moaned again, and he kissed her neck harder, using his teeth slightly. She breathed harder, and he quickened the motion of his finger, rubbing her thigh with his other hand. He could feel as she began to get wetter and wetter, and he his hand to his cock and stroked it quickly, tugging on the shaft as he fingered her. Moaning, Lily spread out in front of him and he bent over her, adding a second finger and kissing her stomach. His heart pounded as he kissed her closer and closer to her vagina. He had the urge to taste her there, but he wasn't sure how to go about it. His horniness got the better of his uncertainty. He scooted down on the bed, spreading her lips and pressing his face into her. He licked her inner core, and Lily's legs shook slightly. She exhaled quietly, and Severus continued, lapping at the top of her privates just under her pubic hair.

_"Yes… _Sev… Yes," Lily said softly, and since that was the first she'd said the entire time, he figured he was doing something correctly and continued to lick her there. Unlike what Mulciber had recently told he and Regulus, Lily's twat tasted pleasant. It was like the cold metal taste of a spoon, slightly metallic but with a note of sweetness. Perhaps Lily was simply better than other girls. Severus wouldn't be surprised. He ran his tongue down the length of her privates, tasting her vagina. She was extremely wet. His erection was rock-hard by this point; being down there had turned him on considerably. He stuck his finger back inside and she whimpered.

"Wow," he said, feeling her inside in interest.

"That felt really good," Lily said breathlessly.

"Lily…" Severus said, pulling his finger out and looking at her. "I really want to have sex with you right now."

She giggled a little and he flushed. "I'm not laughing at you," she responded quickly, "it's just that you're so much more formal when you aren't drunk—"

"I do, though… I want to," he said, running a hand down the expanse of his cock. Watching him, she leaned forward and cupped his balls, rolling them around softly in her palm. "Shiiit," he said, biting his lip. "I _really _want to—"

"I want you to," she said, nodding. "I really do—"

Severus scrambled to position himself on top of her and Lily spread her legs, staring at him wide-eyed. She was so beautiful; she was his best friend and his girlfriend. In this moment, he cared about nothing except being inside her. He winced at how sensitive it felt to prod her hole with his thick member, and Lily breathed in deeply, raising up her legs. Severus held onto his dick and directed it squarely inside of her. Slowly, he stuck it deep inside her and she breathed out.

"How is that?" he muttered.

Lily nodded, looking him in the eye. "Much better," she said. "Different—"

"Good. It feels _really _good," he said throatily, and pulled back slightly. He drove it inside her again, slowly and meticulously. He grunted, closing his eyes. It felt _amazing. _Like all of his nerve-endings were going to explode. He watched her as he thrust, adoring the way she stared up at him and the way her breast bounced with his movements. He thrust into her faster, pressing his head against her shoulder. She squeezed him around his back. It was as though they were one. "Lily," he panted. "I really, really like you. So much—"

"Me too," she said breathlessly, "oh, Sev—"

"Lily—you mean a lot to me," he said quickly, moving his member in and out of her shallowly, breathing in at how good it felt to feel himself sliding in and out of her.

She nodded, "You mean a lot to me," she said. "_Oh—"_

"Yes," he said, "Lily… Yes… Oh… I don't _want to come," _he said hoarsely, slowing down the movement and stopping momentarily. "Usually I can control it, but it feels really _really _good—"

"I don't mind," she said gently. "Don't worry about it—"

At her words, he pressed inside her deeply and held the back her head, his face in her hair. He kept thrusting until he felt all of the tension mounting up inside him and he couldn't take it any longer. Quickly, he pulled out of her, breathing fast. He sat up, rubbing the tip of his cock with his hand. "I'm going to," he panted, "I'm going to… right. Now... Oh…" He exhaled and came all over his hand and onto his outstretched leg. "Blimey," he said, sighing and pushing his hair out of his eyes with his other hand. "I came _really _hard."

"Thanks for sharing," said Lily casually, but she also sat up. "That was much better, Severus. I enjoyed it. That thing you did… Down there to me? I didn't expect it. I think that—" she paused, realizing he wasn't focused on her.

"Just… ah… give me a minute," he said, wiping his hand off with a tissue from the box on her dresser. He stretched out beside her and closed his eyes. "That was so good. I'm really glad we're doing this, Lily."

"Me too," she said, "At first I was sort of worried I wouldn't know what to do… But…"

That was the last Severus heard. He fell into the best sleep he'd had in weeks.

* * *

><p>In contrast to the night before, Lily felt more satisfied and much happier with herself and Severus as a couple. They'd had fairly good sex, and she gave him credit for trying a lot harder though what he did with his fingers still left something to be desired. The way he used his mouth on her had felt pleasant and had been interesting, though she hadn't orgasmed the way Mary had described sex was supposed to make you. Severus had certainly seemed to enjoy it though, and had fallen asleep immediately afterward. Lily had covered them both in her blanket and lay beside him, thinking about how much had changed over the years. She decided she'd let him sleep for a bit and then tell him he'd better go home.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Knock. Knock. Knock. <em>"Lily! Lily!" came a shrill voice from the other side of the door.

Groggily, Severus opened his eyes. At first he wasn't sure where he was, but the familiar walls and decorations gave it away. Lily's room. He instantly remembered the good time they'd spent together last night. His body still felt relaxed and pleasant but the voice brought him out of the deep sleep he'd been having. At his side, Lily was curled up, snuggled to his chest. He wished he could lie like this forever and he grumpily yearned for the loud talking to stop.

_Knock. Knock. _"LILY!" the voice shrieked.

Severus bolted upright, finally realizing who it was. "Oh fuck," he mumbled softly. "Lily. LILY!" he whispered urgently, lightly shaking her awake.

"Hm?" she asked confusedly, rubbing her eyes and looking up at him. "What's going on? What's the noise?" She yawned.

"Lily… it's… it's Petunia," Severus whispered, trying to keep his voice down. "What are we supposed to do?" He threw the blanket off them.

"Lily! Honestly, it's noon again! I told you, it's past time to be ready for Tabby's party! Are you still sleeping? Lily—are you awake?"

Lily sat up instantly, her waving hair standing up. "Ohhh…," she said, wide-eyed. She looked to Severus. "You're still here!" she whispered. "Why? You need to hide! Now!"

"I fell asleep! I didn't know I did!" Severus replied, his eyes just as wide as hers. He looked to the floor for his clothes but he didn't see any of them. This had to be a nightmare.

"Lily, are you talking to me? I can't hear you!" Petunia said.

"Be right there!" Lily cried out sharply, but it was too late.

Her sister flung open the door. "I reminded you twice, and we're going to be… late," she said, and then her eyes became just as wide at theirs. "What on EARTH?" she shrieked. "Lily—Lily, _what _is he doing here? OH MY GOD!"

Severus, terrified, jumped up to find his clothes, forgetting he was not wearing underpants. His penis was sticking out like a flagpole, and as soon as he noticed it, Petunia did as well. Their eyes met from across the room and Petunia screamed.

"LILY! LILY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

* * *

><p>Review please. :)<p> 


	20. Sister Janet

A/N: Thank you for waiting. I wrote this quite awhile back and have been editing it a lot. I appreciate anyone who has waited and who has private messaged me regarding this story. I know it is not quite as long as some chapters but it felt like a good space to cover. Since the stuff to follow is going to be heavy as hell. Please review to let me know your thoughts.

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><p>Chapter Twenty: Sister Janet<p>

_Winter of Fifth Year_

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><p>"<em>You see the problem was: she had a little black book. And my name was written on every page."<em>

-Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, "Jubilee Street"

* * *

><p>"OH…MY…GOODNESS…NOOOO!" Petunia screamed, and then she proceeded to let out a high-pitched wail as Severus stood naked in front of her. It would have been hysterically funny if the situation weren't so very frightening. Lily stared at the scene in terror, unable to decide what action to take. Trying to think fast, she rolled over and searched the side of the bed for his clothing. Desperately, she shook the sheets and his underpants and trousers rolled out.<p>

Wordlessly, Severus dressed quicker than she'd ever seen in her life. Unfortunately but naturally, his penis shook as he did so and Petunia continued to scream, pointing at the flaccid, long thing dangling between Severus' legs. He pulled his shirt and coat on, sent Lily a wild-eyed look, and then made to run past Petunia. She ceased in screaming, but stood firm in the doorway, shock engraved on her thin face. They did a sort of mad dance. Finally, Severus shoved past her, clattered down the stairs and the front door opened and slammed shut. His feet pounded on the gravel path. From outside, Lily heard a car honk, and the sound of Severus' footsteps going fast down the street until it was silent.

Lily covered herself with her blankets. She looked back at Petunia, biting her lip. Her face grew hotter and hotter as her sister continued to stare.

"Lily," Petunia finally said, her voice high and breathy, "Lily, you weren't… You didn't do what I think you did, did you? Why was he here? Why was he naked?"

There was a long silence during which Lily's eyes wandered around the room. Even Petunia couldn't be enough of a prude for her to lie and get away with it. Her heart was pounded in her chest and she nearly felt sicker than yesterday. She was surely going to be tossed out from the house when their parents arrived home. Either that, or Petunia was going to hang her. Finally, she met her sister's eyes again. "Tuney," she begged, surprised that she was using her sister's old nickname, "please—_please _don't tell Mother and Dad—_please—"_

Petunia's eyebrows rose so far up her forehead that they looked in danger of shooting off the top of her head. "No," she moaned and covered her face in her hands. "You _can't _be serious? With _him? _You didn't—"

"Tuney, please—calm down!" Lily urged, but she sounded just as distressed as her sister. "Don't look like that! It's not so bad—I didn't really even think about it. But he's not what you think! And it was sort of an accident!" The last part was a lie obviously, but she figured it didn't really matter. Petunia had seen Severus in her bed, and she'd also seen him naked. Petunia began to pace back and forth in Lily's room, wringing her hands. Lily had never seen her proper sister look so damaged.

"Lily…" Petunia tapped her foot, clearly struggling with what to say. Finally she decided on: "YUCK!"

Lily went beet red, her hair hanging in front of her face. Really, it was no good arguing. The embarrassment she'd been hiding at school deepened under her sister's piercing gaze.

"I should have paid extra attention—I _knew _he was up to no good! I should have told him to go away the other night! Oh, Lily—how could you?" she asked, looking like she was on the verge of tears. "Why would you do something like that? Lily, he's just awful! He's not nice! He's from _Spinner's End!"_

Her reaction befuddled Lily. Rather than spiteful or upset about Lily breaking the rules, she seemed genuinely concerned. Lily figured since her sister didrather abhor Severus, that was most likely the reason why. "It's not so bad," Lily tried to say, but Petunia cut her off:

"I should have been watching you," she continued fretfully. "I don't believe myself. I knew he was after you. I knew it from the beginning. From the first day! When you were little. The way he's always watched you! That time I walked in on him wrestling you! Lily, how could you be so stupid? You'll never be rid of him now!"

"You remember all that?" Lily asked, her own eyebrows matching Petunia's in position.

Petunia shot her a strange look and nodded vigorously. Her voice was strangely composed and quiet. "Of course I do. It was _so_ obvious he fancied you. Now you've gone and given him exactly what he wants." Her tone was not harsh. On the contrary, she sounded crestfallen. She collapsed on Lily's bed and buried her face in her hands. Suddenly, she sat upright and stared at Lily unblinkingly. "Were you careful?"

"What do you mean, was I careful?"

Petunia scrunched her eyebrows. "Were you… Did you… Did you make sure you couldn't be…" She paused dramatically. "Pregnant?"

Lily's heart momentarily started racing again. She hadn't even considered that, or thought much about it. How could she be so stupid as to not even think about that? She tried to retrace what she'd learned so many years ago from that damned health book their mother had forced her to read. Ejaculation caused pregnancy, and once he'd gone on her leg and last night, he'd gone in his hand. "Not possible," she said. "He didn't… You know…"

"Things happen, Lily! You're completely sure?"

"I think so," Lily nodded. At Petunia's stare, she nodded more vigorously. "Absolutely." She swallowed nervously.

"Why weren't you more careful? Why did you do it?" Petunia asked, throwing up her hands dramatically. "I can't believe this…I'd tell him off but I know he wouldn't care. He's the absolute worst person, Lily. If you were going to do it, you could have at least picked someone better! He's like a shabby sort of dog that you've tossed a biscuit at."

"That's not nice!" Lily said, but her face reddened as though Petunia had insulted her instead of Severus. It was just like she'd feared: Severus was an enormous embarrassment to most everyone she knew. And what did that make her?

"Lily! Snap out of it!" Petunia continued, slapping the bed and making Lily jump. "I would have thought you more concerned with your looks than this. He's from a horrible family, he's ugly, he's poor, he's mean _and _he got you into that magical mess!"

Lily felt herself turning even redder. "He's not so bad!" she said, but her tone was weak. It was difficult fighting with everyone all the time about how Severus was actually a decent person. "And besides, he didn't get me into anything. I'm a witch—" Petunia set her jaw at this utterance—"he didn't do anything besides help me. He's smart, and I fancy him back—"

"I just can't believe you… you… _slept _with him," Petunia whispered.

Lily shrugged. "It was weird, but it wasn't so bad, actually."

Petunia stared at her like she was from another planet. "But Lily. _Why?"_

"Don't you ever think about it?" Lily asked seriously, sitting up and pulling her blanket over her shoulders. Come to think of it, she didn't know much about Petunia anymore at all. For all she knew, Petunia could have been frisking loads of boys by now, though Lily highly doubted it judging by this reaction. Her sister was a stranger to her.

It was Petunia's turn to blush. She shrugged her shoulders. "I suppose so. Sometimes. But I go to a girl's school," she replied solemnly. "Unfortunately, he's one of the only boys I've ever met since our move."

Lily had never really thought about that. Boys were commonplace at Hogwarts and not only that, but with Mary as a best friend sex had always been a topic of conversation.

"In fact," Petunia went on, lowering her voice, "that's the first time I've ever seen one naked. I can't say I'm very thrilled about it. I'd like to take it back, actually."

Despite the situation, Lily giggled, covering her hand with her mouth. "Sorry, but that's a funny way to put it. I think you scared him to pieces—"

"I really don't care," Petunia responded. "He shouldn't have been here—"

"Are you going to tell?" Lily pressed, staring at her sister with wide, innocent eyes.

Petunia looked away. "I _should _tell," she said.

Lily's back went rigid, and she continued to stare at her sister. "Tuney—"

"It'd stop you from getting into any more trouble with him," Petunia said. "And I certainly don't approve of you seeing him. In any fashion, but especially… this. And you _know _Daddy doesn't like him and Mother feels the same way."

"Please Petunia!" Lily exclaimed, suddenly realizing the severity of the situation in full. "If you told, you have no idea what would happen!"

"I think I have some idea," said Petunia crisply. "And it might do you good."

Lily crawled closer to her sister, her hair spilling over her shoulders. "Please!" she exclaimed, hugging Petunia tightly. "I'll clean the entire house! I'll even clean your room! I've got wizard money, but I can change it and give you—"

"Pay me off? How cold do you think I am?" Petunia asked, pushing Lily away gently. "Anyway, I can't stand to hear you beg, and I _hate _it when you make those big eyes. It's rather sad."

Lily's lips puffed out. "You won't tell?"

"Don't pout," Petunia instructed seriously. "I'm not going to tell—"

"THANK YOU!" Lily cried out, clapping, and went to hug her sister but Petunia held her back, staring her in the face.

"_But," _Petunia snapped, making it clear she was not quite finished, "I want you to know I think you're far better than him. Look at you, Lily. Everyone says it. You're perfect. What on earth do you want with _him_?"

"I'm not perfect. And besides, I see the real him," Lily said quickly. After all, it had always been that way.

Petunia sighed. "I suppose I knew that, but I still don't get it. I think you're being too generous myself. If he does anything to hurt you—"

"He won't," Lily said firmly. "He always sticks up for me—he's been my best friend since...forever."

"You don't _love _him, do you?" asked Petunia disdainfully.

Lily paused. It was not her tone that caught Lily off guard. It was actually the question. Lily bit her lip again, and flipped her hair back. _Do I? _she thought, and suddenly felt a pang of guilt for not knowing the answer. She certainly cared deeply for him as a friend, but she had no idea what she felt otherwise. Despite all the awkwardness, she enjoyed being close to him and she very much enjoyed his mind. Romantic love was not something Lily had thought much about. And so she shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. "I don't think so," she replied honestly.

"Well, at least you're not completely insane," Petunia said, but her tone was pleasant. She called her friend and cancelled. The sisters spent the day watching holiday movies on television. Lily didn't hear from Severus that day, and she didn't write to him. It had been too intense, this week. She figured he was recovering from embarrassment, and in all actuality, she was happy to have her sister back instead.

* * *

><p>Severus hadn't spent much time at all in Cokeworth after the humiliating incident with Lily's sister Petunia. He'd gone home to find his father passed out on the couch, and as had been the trend for this holiday, his mother out. In this situation, Lily certainly could not help. He felt he'd told her too much, that she'd seen enough, and now she was probably laughing at the thought of him. Either that or she was just as mortified as he was. He couldn't tell which was worse. Severus had only just gotten Lily to see him in a sexual way. And now he'd gone and ruined everything by being part of an utterly ridiculous display. He had Petunia to thank for that. <em>The bitch<em>. In desperation, Severus had sent an owl to the only person he could think of that might be able to rescue him from his own embarrassment. But even that was a generous stretch. In more realistic terms, he'd contacted the only friend he had who was mature (or vain?) enough not to ask him too many questions.

"What in Merlin's beard happened to you?" Lucius Malfoy asked, striding toward Severus, who was standing in front of the Leaky Cauldron. "Are you well? Honestly, I didn't know what to think when you wrote me!"

"If this was inconvenient, you could have said so," Severus replied, his teeth rattling from the cold. Who was he fooling? He probably looked like an idiot. "I can go home—"

"Don't be foolish," said Lucius loudly and hugged Severus over the shoulder. Even this usually awkward gesture seemed normal by the comparison to what had transpired earlier. "I was worried about you."

Severus rolled his eyes and pushed Lucius off of him, but grinned. "Don't be. That's unnecessary." He quickly realized that he and Lucius were now the same height. In fact, Severus may have surpassed him, given that Lucius consistently wore very high, shiny boots.

"Unnecessary?" Lucius clucked, and his icy eyes became slits. "I haven't heard from you in ages. I thought you'd dropped off the earth—"

"Oh? I've been busy with class," Severus said at once as they walked together through the lightly falling snow. "I'm in fifth year, you know." The truth was, he hadn't spoken to Lucius because he was guilty about officially seeing Lily. Lately, his first actual conversation with the boy had come to his memory, when Lucius had advised him to steer clear of being seen with Mudbloods. He'd likely be booted out of the circle, and he couldn't afford that. Not to mention, Lucius was one of the only people who he felt actually respected him.

"Not too busy wishing you were Prefect, still?" Lucius chided, but his smirk faded at Severus' glare. "Well, anyway, we've loads of catching up to do. And Tom will be glad to know you will not be bowing out of his party invitation. We'd all wondered if you were having second thoughts." His grey narrowed eyes shined.

"The party," Severus voiced, and couldn't believe he'd forgotten. "Of course I'll be coming. I've been looking forward to it—"

"Oh good. It's taking place Christmas eve," Lucius said, and before they took off he gave a sinister smile. "You'll be staying here for the last of the holidays then, I presume? Christmas with my family is always a sight to behold."

He was right. When the boys arrived at Malfoy Manor, Severus was overwhelmed by how full of Christmas cheer it was. At least in a very _Malfoy _way, that is. Gaudy black decorations were strung up wherever possible, and plates of sweeties lined every tabletop. It was unclear who was indulging in those sweets because as far as Severus could see the only things in the hands of the Malfoys were wine glasses. Abraxus was busy with work papers and had shut himself in his office for the day, occasionally yelling at house elves that brought him his tea. Diana was out shopping, so Lucius and Severus had the entirety of the manor to themselves. They spent the day throwing daggers at a tree in Lucius' garden to scare the wood nymphs, and demanded the house elves deliver them decadent foods. They spent most of their time on their specialty: making fun of everyone they knew. They definitely had a lot to catch up on. Severus talked about the spells on the owls, and how Avery had acted like a squeamish first year girl. He explained how he'd spied on James and company, omitting the detail about Lupin being a werewolf. He very much wanted to tell, but he wouldn't be surprised if Headmaster Dumbledore were to pop up in the fireplace to tell him off, the daft old codger. Instead, he told Lucius that Remus was deathly ill which seemed to delight his friend a great deal. "I wonder when he'll die. I'd love to crash that funeral," said Lucius with a big grin.

In exchange, Lucius told Severus about his brothers' awful son who had developed into an angry toddler and also his deepening connection to Narcissa and the Black family. Sneering, he told Severus how their families were getting closer and how Narcissa's parents had really warmed up to Abraxus and Diana. "They were skeptical at first. We're not quite as old fashioned as some of the Blacks can be," he explained, stretching out on the chaise. "But being that Father's become such an important public figure, their opinion of us is entirely positive. Especially with the way things are going in their family." At Severus' expression, Lucius straightened up. "You do not know? Bellatrix has not been married off yet. She does not seem to be bothered, but her parents are nearly giving up hope. I always knew she was psychotic. And I saw that little ignoramus Sirius Black just last week—"

Severus cringed. "Please," he urged, rolling his eyes. "I just escaped them, I don't want to hear about their lives—"

Lucius waved his hand. "Severus, you're going to _love _this. I promise. So, apparently, Black has been booted out of the Black family home."

"Booted out?" Severus repeated, cocking an eyebrow. "You mean he was—"

"Kicked out. Abolished. Written off!" Lucius said dramatically, nodding as though his life depended on it.

"I know what it means," Severus scowled, "but why?"

Lucius lay back, getting comfortable again. "Because his parents are displeased with him. They do not want him ruining the Black family name. His mother was enraged when she received a report from school that he's been up to all those stupid pranks, not to mention that he's apparently seeing some Mudblood girl currently."

"I thought he was seeing Cleo Sparks," Severus said, envisioning the good looking Slytherin girl. He'd heard nasty rumors about the two from Rosier, but Cleo was cool enough to still do well enough popularity-wise.

"Ancient history," said Lucius, rolling his eyes. It was pathetic to Severus that his mate was out of school and still more hip to the gossip than him, though Severus supposed this had much to do with dating the socially affluent Narcissa. "Now he's with a Hufflepuff. Banks? Some tired Muggle name like that—"

"Christine Banks," said Severus instantly, and reddened slightly at Lucius' raised brow. She was a full-figured girl in his year with whom he usually ended up working with in Potions if Lily was occupied with someone else. She was quiet enough that he hadn't cared much about her (and in all actuality, his opinion had been somewhat positive), but now he was thinking differently. If Lucius thought poorly of someone or something, it was difficult for Severus to feel the opposite. Severus instantly tried to tell himself that if he'd have known she was a dirty blood, he'd have hated her since he met her. Yet he just was not certain, and that scared him a little.

Lucius kept his brow raised. "Yes, that was it. Anyway, Sirirus' mother was enraged. Not to mention she absolutely despises the Potters, being the ridiculous blood traitors that they are, not to mention James' father being the happy nutter that he is, and she forbade him from seeing the Potter boy. According to Reg, Sirius snapped. He went more than a bit mad, and told everyone in the family off. Made a big, bad show of himself. Nearly physically assaulted his very own father. Imagine. And his mother told him she never wanted to see him again." Lucius covered his mouth and yawned as though it was the most boring story ever, but Severus was fascinated.

"So was he _completely_ kicked out?" he pressed. "Where did he go?"

"Potter's, of course," said Lucius lazily, obviously proud he'd gotten Severus' attention so quickly. "Isn't that precious? Now they can all love Mudbloods together in harmony."

Severus swallowed hard and frowned intensely, thinking momentarily of Lily. Lucius raised his eyebrow. Again. Panic shot through Severus' veins as he recalled having sex with her. Severus wished he could tell Lucius what had been going on, but that would never do. Still, Lucius was someone who would be able to give advice—good, solid advice on girls and sexual escapades. And not only that, Lucius seemed to also be a professional at that elusive thing called "romance". Though it still made Severus a bit sick, he'd like to learn exactly how to be charming when the right sort of situation arose. But the fact that Lily was a Mudblood ruined everything. Lucius and Severus would never be able to relate on the subject of Lily, and Severus was not willing to lose his friend over this matter.

Lucius blinked at the awkward silence. "What on earth is wrong with you lately? You appear to be ill."

"I'm always ill," Severus said quickly and hung his head, completely humiliated.

"I shall make you a tonic tomorrow," Lucius said. "But for now, I think we should write your good friend Sirius a nice Christmas letter. Send him our best wishes for the season—"

"You're joking," Severus sneered.

"Clearly," Lucius smiled wickedly. "But don't you think he'd appreciate hearing how his mother and father are ever so sorry they kicked him out, and that they'd love to meet him in Diagon Alley tomorrow to work their issues back and take him home?"

"Oh, right. Yes, of course he'd like that," Severus grinned. The two boys spent nearly an hour writing a hilariously sappy letter, and then sent it off to the Potters' estate.

With visions of hopeful Sirius Black waiting ages for his family in chilly Diagon Alley, Severus fell into a deep sleep in one of the manor's guest rooms. It was a very nice diversion from the embarrassment earlier with Lily.

In the morning, he discovered Christmas Eve was one day away. Severus had no idea that time had passed so quickly this break and although being separate from Lily was difficult he was overjoyed that he was very far away from his parents. He hadn't seen his mum enough to miss her for the holiday and it seems she didn't miss him much either, or else she might care to be around a bit more often. He'd gotten no post from Lily (though he supposed she had no idea where he'd gone) and his family hadn't cared to look for him either.

Severus really didn't care much about Mum and Dad, for spending the holiday with the Malfoy family was a pleasant and intriguing change of pace. He always got enough to eat, he was included (as much as he wanted to be) in family affairs, and he got to hang around Lucius while getting to use all of the fancy brooms and items he wanted. Whereas his own family made him half sick with their drunk and obnoxious ways, he found the Malfoys posh, quirky and endearing, even while intoxicated.

Diana had the house elves wrapping mountains of gifts under her watch (screaming all the time for them not to break or steal anything) and Abraxus had an infuriating habit of recounting all of the progress he'd had working on Mr. Riddle's project. Because Severus had a fresh pair of ears, Abraxus spent the better part of two hours following him and Lucius from room to room, updating Severus on all of the connections he'd made for Tom. Severus had no idea who or what he was talking about half the time but because he had to stick to the lie of being Pureblood he nodded at every name mentioned as though he'd known the people for his entire life. Luckily, the names were familiar enough he could picture who the family was, given who he knew at school. Severus was beginning to discover how excellent he was at subterfuge.

Surprisingly, Lucius was getting along with his family swimmingly. He talked loudly about his Ministry internship and seemed to adore discussing Tom Riddle with his father. Whereas in the past Lucius had stood apart from his family, it was now fairly simple to see how like his parents he was. Had Lucius changed in the months since moving back home, or was Severus simply viewing him differently? He could not tell. Diana and Lucius got along best, but Abraxus seemed to respect Lucius more than in the earlier days.

And then Hagawthe came along, once again making Lucius the black sheep of the family, although in a very inconspicuous way. The dark-haired, chiseled man greeted Severus rudely upon arriving at the manor (a well-timed _"Not you," _under his breath, but a grin to mask his animosity). He still seemed to be hanging on to his original opinion of Severus despite all the time that had passed. His wife was a bit plumper which Lucius pointed out loudly as soon as possible, causing all of the other family members to laugh.

The family now shouted, bickered, and Hagawthe's son howled endlessly. _"ME! MINE! NOW!"_ seemed to be Mephstoph Malfoy's favorite phrase. Lucius kept encouraging him to play in the fire, and no one really seemed to pay attention or care about what Mephstoph got up to. He rode the dogs, grabbed abandoned wands, and knocked art off the walls. Severus wanted to give him a hard kick. It was so disorderly in the manor, making Severus wonder if anyone knew the truth behind the Malfoy family's socialite public demeanor. Still, it was better than home and far more interesting.

Fed up with Hagawthe's antics, Severus began to analyze him. Hagawthe often feigned interest in what Severus was saying, asking open-ended questions about his opinions on wizard politics or Quidditch and then cutting over Severus with his own opinions. He clicked his tongue and cleared his throat annoyingly while waiting for someone else to speak, and he smiled no matter what—his glittering white teeth reminding Severus begrudgingly of that blasted idiot Gilderoy Lockhart. Based on the way Hagawthe ignored his own son and any gibes against Aurelia, it was clear that the only person he cared for in the manor was himself. Still, there was something strange about Hagawthe in regard to Lucius. He was especially cruel, but his eyes followed Lucius' every move, as though waiting for him to slip up in some way.

Diana badgered Hagawthe and Aurelia about when they were having more children, because she "wanted the bloodline to be extended as much as possible". This went into a very strange story about Lucius' brother who'd died as a baby, and how he probably would be hard at work having tons of pureblood children by now. Lucius caught Severus' eyes as if to say _I told you so._ Hagawthe assured her that they'd be having more, and then pointedly asked Lucius when he was planning to get married.

"Mind your own business," Lucius said icily, and poured himself a second cup of eggnog. Severus followed suit because the eggnog was cut with brandy and rum, which would surely help him deal with Hagawthe's annoying questions. Besides, ever since the first night with Lily he'd been itching to drink more alcohol. It helped him act so much more gracefully in social situations.

"I mean it," drawled Hagawthe dully, propping one hand under his chiseled chin and stroking it in a mock-concerned way. "You _have_ been seeing that Narcissa for quite a long time now—do you not think it is just about time to wed, Lucius? Not pulling a Bellatrix _Cracked_, now are we?"

Aurelia simpered, obviously not forgetting the joke Lucius had made about her appearance earlier. "Yes, Lucius, you _are _still seeing Narcissa. Aren't you?"

Severus hadn't ever heard her speak much but he decided right then and there that she was an ice cold bitch. _And fat, too._

Lucius began folding and re-folding a cloth napkin on the table. Abraxus stared at him. "I cannot stand when people leave questions unanswered. Lucius?"

"Yes," Lucius said angrily, "yes, I'm seeing her. I'm seeing her, all right?"

"You do not have to argue with me," Hagawthe said. "Just answer the question like a normal person."

"Who says I'm not a normal person?" Lucius asked testily. _Maybe he hasn't changed, _Severus thought to himself, watching the exchange in interest. _Or perhaps it is fully correlated to Hagawthe being home_. "Anyway, you were two years older than I am now when YOU got married, so maybe you should just leave me be—"

"I wasn't seeing someone for as long," Hagawthe retorted calmly.

"So what are you implying?" said Lucius through gritted teeth.

"Lucius, stop overreacting," said Diana, motioning one of the house elves to fill her glass of brandy. "Anyway, we will see Narcissa at Tom's function. Perhaps by then, you will figure out your life's work."

The family roared with laughter apparently at the thought of Lucius' "life's work". Severus waited for a blow-out, avoiding Lucius' eyes and wincing.

Lucius opened his mouth to speak but then surprisingly seemed to think better of it. He knocked back his glass of eggnog and smiled thinly. "You'll see, won't you?" His eyes glittered.

_Oh blazes, _thought Severus. Whether or not he'd changed, there was something strange going on with Lucius.

"Are you quite all right?" Severus asked later. Lucius was accompanying him outside while he smoked, although he'd given his opinion that it was a vile pastime.

Lucius' eyes flickered again, which was yet another dangerous sign. "Of course I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Come off it," said Severus strongly. "You can say you're annoyed with your family if you want to—"

"They're right, though," Lucius said, which was yet another surprise. "It _is _odd that Narcissa and I are not yet engaged—"

"What's _wrong _with you?" Severus scoffed, thoroughly annoyed and confused.

"What do you mean, _what's wrong with me_?" Lucius repeated, his tone snappish and sharp. "You know what I think is odd? You _never _talk about your parents pressuring you. Don't they care who you marry? Don't they care about keeping blood pure?"

Severus looked down at the snowy ground and shrugged his shoulders, trying to lie as quickly as possible. "I just don't like to talk about it… besides, I don't like the idea of marriage, no matter what they say."

Lucius looked impressed. Severus had to hand it to himself—he was the best liar he knew. Perhaps it was the books on Legilimency.

"I wish I didn't care like I do," was all Lucius said, and then he changed the subject to Tom Riddle's party: what he'd be wearing, who'd be there. Severus couldn't help but notice that Lucius did not exactly meet his eyes while they spoke.

On Christmas Eve, Severus and the entire Malfoy clan traveled to Riddle's abode by way of a glove near the labyrinth behind the manor that was moonlighting as a portkey. Tom Riddle lived in a rather swanky flat several miles out of London, above an antique store. As soon as they arrived, their coats were taken by a house elf and Tom Riddle greeted them with a grin. His apartment was positively filled with bookshelves that were packed with books, trinkets and awards. Paintings shimmered and moved on the walls. It was a modest turn out. Severus did not see Professor Slughorn, but instead several familiar faces (students he'd never spoken to from school, and professors of subjects he hadn't yet enrolled in perhaps). Bellatrix stuck her tongue out at him, and Narcissa ran across the room to wrap Lucius in a hug. Lucius patted her shoulder.

"Hello, Severus," she greeted politely.

Severus winced at her. "'lo," he said, wandering toward one of the large displays in Riddle's parlor. Sure enough, there were important collectibles, just as he'd heard. Several Quidditch cups from the 1930s were placed in a row, as with elaborate jewelry and cufflinks, all serpent-themed. Severus wondered if they were Salazar Slytherin's but he hardly thought it wise to have them out in the open.

"Belonged to a member of my family," Riddle's voice came from behind him. Despite himself, Severus jumped a bit. "Just in case you were wondering."

"Cool," said Severus, nodding. It was funny. It was as though the strange man could read his mind sometimes.

Professionally, Riddle shook his hand with a smile. "How are you? Enjoying your winter?" His eyes flashed.

Severus coughed slightly and released his hand. "Definitely. I like the cold," he replied lamely. He wasn't certain why his having sex with Lily was springing to mind now, but he felt weird all the same. Changed. It wasn't like Tom was asking whether he'd finally gotten laid or anything.

Riddle smirked. "As do I," he said with a merry wink. "Anyhow, I am glad you could make it. It's a carefree evening for my new friends to get to know each other. I'm hoping this will not be the last time I'll see you at one of my events?"

"I plan to go to all of them!" said Severus quickly, and then flushed. "I mean… if I'm invited."

"Nothing would please me more. As long as you continue to hone in on your skills, I'm absolutely certain you will be a most valuable asset to me," Riddle replied. "Ah, Bellatrix."

"Good evening," said the dark-haired girl in a deep voice, her eyes excited. "Tell me, how is it that you came to own this photo album? Isn't this from the Dippet family personal collection?" She held up a very old leather-bound photo book.

Delicately, Riddle snatched it out of her hands. "If you would, my dear Bellatrix, please do not touch anything in my collection," he said coolly but it was apparent he was bothered. Severus watched her smirk somewhat flirtatiously. "But do touch as much of my brandy collection as you would like," he said, grinning tightly as though all was forgiven but Severus noticed the careful way he gripped the album as he placed it back on one of the many shelves.

"Bellatrix! Such unpleasant manners in the company of Master Riddle," exclaimed a very dangerous looking woman with large, angry eyes. Regulus stood by her side, waving at Severus over a cup of eggnog.

"Oh, keep your knickers on, aunty!" Bellatrix said good-naturedly.

"Severus! Happy Christmas!" greeted Rosier, giving him a boxy hug. She seemed to have grown slightly bigger breasts, which made her appear like a small boy with pillows in his shirt.

He nodded his head at her and lightly pushed her away. "Happy… Christmas," he said unconvincingly. "What's new?"

Tom Riddle smiled and moved onto a group of adults nearby as Rosier described in great detail all of the expensive outfits her mother had bought for her over the holiday. Luckily, this conversation died away when the two began to discuss their Defense Against the Dark Arts homework. Avery and Mulciber joined them not too long after that. It was nice to be among peers again, but Severus looked around longingly for Lucius who had been out of sight for some time. Things were changing, and not slowly either. It seemed like only yesterday when Lucius was his only friend in Slytherin, and now it seemed Lucius had aged by leaps and bounds. Avery, Rosier and Mulciber were actually true friends—not just people Severus got money from sometimes for homework answers. And whereas Lily was his best friend… Well… Now she was something entirely different. He no longer felt like he could risk telling her his deepest secrets. Mostly because she was now his deepest secret.

A rush of cold air entered the flat, and Lucius and Narcissa rushed in. Both of their long, pale faces were flushed and Narcissa was laughing in her soft way. Severus' gaze fell upon their intertwined hands.

"Ahem!" Lucius called out, a large sneer of great accomplishment on his lips. "I have an announcement so please listen in! Since we are among friends and allies, I find it suitable to let all of you be the first to know that Miss Narcissa Black and myself are engaged to be married!"

Abraxus and Diana applauded loudly. A couple who appeared to be the Black sisters' parents joined in the applause and kissed Lucius on both his cheeks. Bellatrix kissed Lucius on the lips and was pulled away by the large bloke named McNair. In the past, Severus would have been sick with jealousy and moodiness, but this just flustered him. _Lucius? Getting married? Is it only because he was pressured by his parents? Either way, it makes me feel like a little baby… _Severus really could not believe how everyone was evolving…

* * *

><p>"The house looks quite superb," marveled Mother, running a finger along the wooden banister. "Did you girls dust?"<p>

Lily and Petunia looked at each other and grinned. "That was Lily," Petunia said. "We both cleaned earlier, though. We wanted it to look nice for your return."

Mother put her hand to her heart, and Daddy grinned. "This is the best Christmas gift ever," Mother laughed, "I don't even have to clean after my trip!" She grabbed the girls and squeezed them.

"We're glad to have you back," said Lily with a smile.

Their parents stared at them, before putting several gift bags down around the tree. "It looks like you gave the tree fresh water," said Daddy. "And threw in a few gifts of your own."

"Nothing special," said Petunia, "just a few things we made."

Their parents exchanged glances. "You're getting along, _and _cleaning? _And _you made us gifts?" Daddy clarified.

"Yes," Lily nodded, and slung an arm around Petunia. "We had a good time here, too, you're not the only ones—"

"And you're not hiding anything?" he continued.

The girls looked at each other and then burst into manic giggles.

"Us?" Petunia asked.

"What would we possibly hide?" Lily asked in a high voice.

Their parents laughed richly along with them before relaxing on the couches to tell their daughters more about the trip. Lily and Petunia made eye contact, both of them showing off plastered-on smiles. They'd hidden Lily's secret, but as soon as Severus wanted to come round, Lily would be completely without a plan again. Still, Lily was wholly grateful for Petunia actually acting like a cool older sister for once.

The Evans family had the best Christmas Lily had remembered in years. She and Petunia exchanged presents, baked cookies, and got along so well that it was difficult to believe it was actually happening. Lily had absolutely no idea that this would be the last Christmas holiday she would actually enjoy with her sister. After all, how could she? Even those with crystal balls and talents in Divinations could not predict the horrors to come.


End file.
